Go to the child, face her/him, and tell her/him which behavior is not okay (hitting, spitting, refusing to pick up toys or get dressed, etc.) and that s/he needs a time-out. Speak to the child in a serious tone but do not yell, grab, or jerk the child. Move the child away from other children and adults. Tell the child that he needs to stay in the time-out for "x" number of minutes. (Keep it short, one recommendation is one minute per one year of the child’s age, example: if the child is 5 years old, the child would receive a 5 minute time-out.) I'm not sure advise like this is always usable. Even if I was convinced that children should be controlled and forced to pick up their toys or get dressed, the whole thing assumes the child who previously wouldn't do what they were told would willingly "obey" the parent and go to time-out. Moving the child "might" work or it might result in a child fighting back. If it's a strong boy child, the mother could be injured or risks hurting the child to pull this off
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*nod* I know not every link I posted has information or tools that will work in every single instance...that's why I posted so many of them.
What I've done (and I've worked with strong boy children with anger management issues who were likely to hit or strike adults) is remove myself from the situation for a few minutes, if possible...the issue of physical safety/toning down the violent response, to me supercedes the need to get the child to "obey" at that moment. The child is then not getting positive or negative attention, but none at all...you refuse to participate in the interaction.
Yes, I know there are circumstances where that wouldn't work either. My singular point here is, "there are options, and lots of them."
I know not every link I posted has information or tools that will work in every single instance...that's why I posted so many of them.
Exactly. Not violent parenting taking creativity. Each situation may call for a slightly different response. It takes time too...
The other piece that I have found is this: When parents try to switch parenting technques, it takes time to do so successfully. The child may act out in the meanwhile. The child may test the parents limits. The biggest thing is that parents MUST stay CONSISTENT. You can't give up the second the child tests your limits and say "See- I told you these techniques won't work!"
Consistency is important in discipline. So is rationality, so is explaining what was done wrong to the child. But as someone who was spanked as a child, I don't see a problem with it, so long as the parents -do not do it when they're angry-. In fact, being an ADD boy and generally totally self-contained, I'm not sure timeouts would work well. Grounding certainly would not
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I guess it mostly boils down to, I don't agree with the logic of 'spanking says it is OK to hit'. It's faulty logic. If parents are supposed to be an example of what is 'right and good' and therefore can't punish a child by spanking, what does it say of any sort of punishment? If you are punished by being put in a timeout, does that mean it's OK to force someone away from everyone? Does it lead to kidnapping?
If you are punished by a grounding or taking away a favored toy, does that mean it's OK to steal from your enemies or deprive them of their contact?
If there is no punishment, doesn't it mean it's OK to do anything? I think the core argument isn't about the type of punishment, it's about the rationale. Punishment must be punishment, not lashing out, and it must be just.
I wouldn't argue with them; I'm not one of those "SHE still thinks SHE had a happy childhood!" people. I know that some people were spanked once or twice, or gently as a matter of discipline. I just feel that we as a society have more and I will say better tools for communicating with children and teaching them discipline and if those are there, why on earth not use them?
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What I've done (and I've worked with strong boy children with anger management issues who were likely to hit or strike adults) is remove myself from the situation for a few minutes, if possible...the issue of physical safety/toning down the violent response, to me supercedes the need to get the child to "obey" at that moment. The child is then not getting positive or negative attention, but none at all...you refuse to participate in the interaction.
Yes, I know there are circumstances where that wouldn't work either. My singular point here is, "there are options, and lots of them."
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Exactly. Not violent parenting taking creativity. Each situation may call for a slightly different response. It takes time too...
The other piece that I have found is this: When parents try to switch parenting technques, it takes time to do so successfully. The child may act out in the meanwhile. The child may test the parents limits. The biggest thing is that parents MUST stay CONSISTENT. You can't give up the second the child tests your limits and say "See- I told you these techniques won't work!"
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If you are punished by a grounding or taking away a favored toy, does that mean it's OK to steal from your enemies or deprive them of their contact?
If there is no punishment, doesn't it mean it's OK to do anything? I think the core argument isn't about the type of punishment, it's about the rationale. Punishment must be punishment, not lashing out, and it must be just.
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