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As you might've guessed, I am MEGA pissed that my money-grubbing husband Michael yanked my tube and let me shrivel up. So GUESS WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING SINCE I CROAKED!

I have been haunting the vagina of Michael's homewrecking girlfriend! HAHA, oh man, she has just been scratching non-stop, and last night, he went down on her, and there was my face ( Read more... )

Good news, folks! I'm doing okay! Some nurse hooked me back up to my Slushee machine and gave me some Twizzlers! I'm SO not really dead!

APRIL FOOLS! Ok, so it's not April YET, but still!

HAHAHAHA!! Oh shit, I got you a good one, livejournal! I really am dead, and UH OH, I think I'm in H-E-L-L.. Don't worry, though. I'll be back in three ( Read more... )

When the priest came in to give me last rites, I was all like, “WTF, mate? I’m still alive behind this fleshy cage!” It came out something like “uhhhh fffphffa chmmkp.” To which the priest responded by forcing the body of Christ in mint-like wafer form into my mouth. Look, I’m sure at least some of you have seen the photos, my mouth doesn’t close, ( Read more... )

I remember back in high school where I went into the bathroom at prom and made myself pretty. Man, if only I could go back in time and get you peeps to give me a swirly, hepatitis aside, that’d be a nutritious meal. If we threw a ham in there it’d taste just like a Hot Pocket, except, you know, cold ( Read more... )

buh muhhhhh...

uhnnnn...

ahhhhh wahhhn...

ahh wannnn...

ahhhh wahnnnh...

ahhhhhh wannnnnnuh Snickers Bah........

Wow, Today is Easter! This is my favorite holiday, and I just LOVE watching The Passion of the Christ over and over. Jesus is so damn hot LOL! Forgive them Lord, they know not what they do ( Read more... )

Can someone PLEASE blend me up some Fritos? Seriously. I promise not to purge, LOL!

OMG, wouldn't it be gross if I vommed out of my throathole? At least the stomach acid wouldn't mess up my teeth.

Wow, did you see Tom DeLay stick up for me on the TV yesterday? What a mensch that guy is! He knows I'm not just a vegetable. He knows there's a soul in here!

Man, what I wouldn't give for a moonpie and an Orange Fanta right about now. LOL!

Once upon a time, I was bulimic. Don't you find it ironic that I look like kind of a fattie now? LOLOLZ!!!

Man, I'm really hungry.