Player One
player one
dbsk/boa, past!jyj/boa, past!super junior/boa - yunho/boa, past!jaejoong/boa, past!siwon/boa, past!yoochun/boa - pg
7956w~
the company is trying out a new publicity stunt. a dating game, if you will.
written and dedicated to raeyoo with this prompt. hope this is what you had in mind bb, enjoy!! ♥
((
he tells her he saw it coming.
it's the first of many.
))
PART ONE
Jaejoong was the first.
She doesn't remember all that much, their relationship. That's what she tells people, at least. No one talks about him anymore, except for maybe Heechul, and even he thinks to keep quiet about their obvious existing friendship, about how someone other than him knew, and it's become somewhat of an acceptance more than a request to avoid saying his name, the mere mention of a supposed forgotten.
Boa thinks maybe she should've held on to him. Maybe he would've stayed if she had been more stubborn, had shown him true love against the advice of their managers.
Maybe it was her fault. If Yoochun hadn't have happened, she might know, and Jaejoong might still be there, in front of her, the same first one she had pretended to be so in love with all those years ago. Kim Jaejoong, the lock on her heart. That's what they'd been.
Boa turns over on her back, flashing back to memory after memory of sitting in the backseat of Jaejoong's Porsche, hiding behind the shade of tinted windows and quiet whispers, and maybe she does remember him, the little things that she had hoped were keeping him held together instead of coming apart piece by piece.
Their hands did fit together. Boa gives herself at least that much.
It's a rushed story, one she relives in seconds and minutes and if the hours are dwindling away at night and her eyes refuse to fall shut, then there too.
He tells her about it before she is officially informed. The spot under the staircase her and Yunho discovered two weeks into his company entrance and she had befriended someone maybe she shouldn't have, and then it becomes their secret spot, her and the five of them.
Jaejoong pulls her there, eyes red and bangs swept away from his forehead and he looks increasingly worried as the seconds tick past.
"I think - just." The words seem to have trouble leaving his throat, and Boa stays put, stays put just like she always has. "Don't argue with him when he tells you."
It's funny how Boa knows exactly who he is talking about.
"My manager told me this morning, I'm sure yours will tell you soon enough. We're next."
She doesn't ask what next means.
"Play along, act as if you like it. And don't let it change us."
It couldn't have done anything but.
The company is trying out a new publicity stunt. A dating game, if you will. You'll be partnered off with someone, you'll stay together like this for a certain amount of time, play along as if it exists, as realistic as you can. All within the company, of course. And then when we decide, it ends. Just like that.
This is where she comes in.
Jaejoong was the first, but he is definitely not the last, and for some reason that makes her feel a little better when she looks back on it. The distinct relationship that was Kim Jaejoong and Kwon Boa. She probably misses him the most.
They are also the longest.
Sixteen months. Boa remembers each one clearly, the awkwardness that had never come and the love that never followed. It was the same relationship, except holding hands and occasional touches and sneaky glances that aren't really meant to be so sneaky (and the kisses they share behind literal closed doors, an experiment she doesn't think she should have tried, but it wasn't like they were in love, not really anyways).
Around month three, he grabs her hand in public for the first time. Boa resists the urge to laugh and Jaejoong gives her this look from the side, just play along, and she smiles at him and tightens her grip on him.
The company rolls their eyes but the fans eat it up and Boa kind of likes being used as a toy, when she thinks about it. It's strange and horrible and she doesn't catch that until it's much too late.
"We're pretty good at this, don't you think?" he tells her during month seven, when they have their feet interlocked under the table at a restaurant, hands toying with each other on the table. He's picking at her newly done nails, mostly because he knows it annoys her. "Everyone seems to love us."
"Can't get used to it though, can we?" Boa winks and Jaejoong reaches out, wiping away a smudge of her lipstick or a rice grain stuck to the corner of her mouth, she doesn't quite know, but the feeling is unfamiliar and she doesn't move, his hand freezing midway on its destination back.
"Yeah." He smiles first, bangs falling into his eyes. "We can't."
He kisses her after she is officially told by her manager, pulling her back under the same staircase and pressing dry lips against dry lips, and it tastes like skin and nothing else.
Neither one of them says anything when they pull apart and it's as if nothing has changed. "Nothing has changed," he answers her unspoken thoughts and maybe that's why it was the best first choice.
"Okay."
"Okay." He kisses her again and she tries not to let it get to her.
They are about to step on to the red carpet together, and Jaejoong pulls her into his lap just before the limousine is set to make its stop. "Let's give them something to look forward to," and then he presses his dry lips against her heavily glossed ones, and she leaves the car with her hair ruffled and her face flushed, but the rest of her is just as flawless as the whole of him.
The crowds cheer and she finds high-definition pictures of her red cheeks and swollen lips as soon as she gets home.
She kisses Jaejoong in celebration and it becomes a sort of greeting.
They announce the break up at month fifteen, and at month sixteen Jaejoong and Boa reveal it to the world.
"It was nice while it lasted," he says, a last dinner just before the week of the official statement. Their hands are still playing on the table and it will be weird when they go out for staff dinners and she isn't supposed to be touching him anymore. Boa wonders if she will miss it, and then she wonders if he will miss it, and then she realizes that neither of those things matter and she has to stop wondering at all.
"Yeah. I suppose. At least it didn't make us weird or anything."
"What, did you think it would?"
Boa shrugs. They've been best friends ever since he started, she thinks. "I don't know what I was expecting, to be honest."
He laughs and if anyone were to see this they wouldn't think the two were just about to break up, so Boa pulls her hand away and gives him a small smile, before standing up abruptly. Jaejoong seems to know what she's doing, and leans back against his chair, the same smile toying at the ends of his lips. "I think we should break up," she finally says.
"Yeah. Me too."
"It was nice while it lasted," she repeats, and Jaejoong's bangs fall into his eyes again, like they always do, and it takes all of her efforts to not brush them back (and pretend) as if she were in love.
"Yeah. I suppose. At least it didn't make us weird or anything."
Boa raises an eyebrow. "What, did you think it would?"
Jaejoong stands up, and then they are only inches apart, and he steps back to give her room, letting her step in front as he follows her out the restaurant doors. On a normal day, he would walk her home, but today is not normal. Today is the finale.
"I don't know what I was expecting."
They stand outside in the cold for what feels like hours, and then she kicks him lightly and whispers, just loud enough for him to hear. "At least we got to try it."
"Farthest we'll ever get, right?"
She smiles. "I'm going home."
They are the longest, and maybe that's why it was so difficult.
It only gets easier after that.
The love doesn't exist after that.
((
yunho asks her about it, asks what it had been like. he's up next, is rumored, and boa doesn't think there is enough of them to spread out evenly. it's strange that no one questions the announcement of yunho and lina, but maybe because lina was just about long forgotten and the publicity stunt revives all those that are just about passed.
she tells him to hold lina's hand and to not let go until the very last day, but it falls apart too quickly.
the attention lasts for all of seconds and then boa realizes you can't revive the dead and sometimes it is time to move on.
boa holds lina's hand instead and maybe yunho never got the chance, maybe that's why it becomes so difficult later on.
yunho takes lina out on dates anyways and it's funny how no one pays them even a glance. boa doesn't know she is jealous until it is too late.
))
PART TWO
Siwon is short, quick, a brief experiment that all but failed. They laugh about it sometimes, but mostly it's an avoided conversation that she tries not to play with.
It's announced in between schedules and Siwon is next is the only true warning she gets before they are thrust into the flashing lights of the cameras and holding hands, and neither of them are quite prepared because skin keeps sliding nervously, sweat and disjointed.
"I didn't see this coming," he tells her during lunch one day, and she nods and tries to ignore the fans crowded around inside.
It's her most vivid memory out of all seventh months they last. Not even half of Jaejoong, not that she would ever mention it.
"Why is that? You guys are the biggest group in the world, you're the face of those beautiful thirteen, why wouldn't it be you?"
Siwon laughs, and it exudes charm, just as the rest of him. It makes her laugh too and yet she feels uncomfortable all at the same time.
"I'm not really surprised I'm next, but more the fact that we have to do this, is all."
"You know the directors, they come up with the strangest ideas to bring in money. I'm just surprised that fans actually buy into this shit."
Siwon smiles, but it falters a little bit because he believes, he believes in this thing they are doing and it's what made them such a horrible pair. Realists can't be optimists, and Boa thinks that was the breaking point, when Siwon finally realized. It coincides quite nicely with the announced breakup and sometimes Boa wonders if that had anything to do with it at all.
They announce their break up when they are together at an interview, when the host asks about their relationship and Siwon doesn't even spare a glance before he introduces perfect timing and friends are much better than lovers, anyways.
Boa smiles the whole way through and there wasn't even a dent in the heart she had long ago chipped away.
((
"well, that was horrible."
"you don't have to tell me." she's at his apartment, legs propped up on the coffee table and they are so small and insignificant that yunho doesn't even complain. he joins her at her left side and hands her an unopened can of beer and boa puts it to the side, doesn't mention that she quit drinking a long while back, during a special sixteen months she has yet to put aside.
the breaking news should have been expected.
she just didn't expect it to be so soon.
super junior's siwon and tiffany, member of rookie group, girl's generation, reveal relationship of one month! yunho laughs and it's not as broken as she would like, but she laughs along with him because it's not like it matters to her anyways.
it wasn't as if she ever liked him. seven ugly months of hands that didn't fit and lips that never met and eyes that bore acidic holes into one another because one believes and the other doesn't and boa likes it here, with yunho, and back then, with jaejoong, because she wasn't forced to live a lie in attempted truth.
"don't look so down, it's not as if you liked him anyways."
boa's laugh is a little more genuine this time. that's what she tells herself, at least. "i'm not down, it's just a little hurtful that they replaced me so quickly."
"as if you like this stuff."
boa doesn't respond, and yunho catches on quicker than she does when he laces his fingers through hers and gives her the love she thought she was getting. it's not as if she likes this stuff, boa thinks. it's not as if.
))
PART THREE
Yoochun is the first one to make her cry.
She sits on the floor of his room and holds his hand from his seat on the bed and prays that maybe it will go away, maybe he won't hurt, maybe if she was a little happier and held her head a little higher, that he would try too, that this game could becoming something real if he would just let it.
Yoochun's grip on her hand tightens and then it goes slack and falls loose, and the cold runs through her so quickly it makes her scared.
Two and a half months.
He signs the lawsuit and the company calls her schedule quits for another thirty-one days before she is released to the public again, and the rage that fills her is almost evident in the way she answers their questions.
"I can only hope for the best," Boa says, and inside her heart burns and her insides melt and she wonders why he even tried.
Yoochun kisses her and it tastes like ashes and although Boa had never loved, she had felt, and the betrayal is worse than all of the other faults.
It's a relationship of broken patches and withering trust and Yoochun lets go before she even has the chance to grab on.
They leave her alone for two years and she has no one to thank but him.
Boa wonders about Jaejoong, mostly, and occasionally Junsu, and she tries not to dwell on Yoochun but he makes that difficult and they pass each other once before she is never to see him again.
His eyes are dead and hers are filled with hatred.
She hates him.
Hates.
She hates him.
The way he uses her, the way he doesn't tell her, the way he drops her, the way he leaves it for her to clean up alone, the way she might have tried for him and the way he refuses her efforts, the way he wasn't enough and she was so much more and the way she has to do this in the first place, this stupid game that brings her nothing but heartbreak and loss when neither of those things were supposed to have existed in the first place.
He texts her when he lands in Japan, as if words make a difference.
I'm sorry.
She doesn't respond, because apologies change nothing, and Boa regrets having tried to fall in love.
((
she tries not to act as if she is worse off and holds yunho's hand because it is weird the way both of them suffer, the way one has lost a team member and the other has lost a lover but in reality both of them have just lost a friend, multiple friends, and she doesn't cry when he does because boa doesn't think she is quite deserving.
boa nudges him in the shoulder in the late hours of the night, when they are rocking back and forth on the floor of his living room, the entertainment channel on mute playing some report on tvxq's split.
"hey, look at it on the bright side. at least we get a break from this stupid publicity stunt."
he smiles and throws his arm around her, and the weight is oddly comforting. "yeah. i guess we do need some time out of the spotlight."
it's a lie, and they both know it, because she's become too accustomed to the spotlight to let it go and it's all that pushes her now, all that keeps her going her forward, and it's the exact same for him at this point.
it's all they have left to hold on to. it's unnerving and unhealthy and disgusting.
it's her life.
boa tucks her head in the space between his head and his shoulder, breathing heavily against the skin of his neck, and when he shivers it becomes something different.
))
INTERMISSION
No one talks about it, after that. She doesn't hear his name and so her heart doesn't break, because while Jaejoong is a constant reminder, Yoochun is left as it is.
Two years, and she is left alone.
Singing, dancing, socializing, playing the part she normally isn't allowed, and there is no fake relationship to keep up with. Boa figures it was only a matter of time before they picked up again, but it's a nice pause.
A week before their single is to drop, the new hottest duo because JYJ is getting nowhere, Yunho comes to her apartment for a messy lunch in an even messier kitchen.
She figures it was only a matter of time before he would ask, too.
"Jaejoong?"
"He was the easiest." Boa scoops up a spoonful of rice and stares at the tiny grains until they become blurs of white in her vision. "He understood. Me, us, this thing, everything, he understood. I don't know why he left."
Yunho runs a hand through his hair, and it's been cut short at the sides, but she can't remember when. She can't remember a lot of things, now that she thinks about it.
"And Yoochun?"
Boa shakes her head, and lets the coarse strands of her own hair cover her vision because she doesn't want to see his face, Yunho, who had known something was wrong, Yunho, who held her through even though it was harder for him, Yunho, who saved her before himself. "I guess I saw that one coming."
"Boa…"
"I don't think I can forgive him for that. Leaving, like it wouldn't affect me. Just because it was an act doesn't mean it was all fake."
He sighs and maybe it is selfish of her to think that way, but Boa likes that out of all of them he was the one to stay. Because she needs him, and because Jaejoong understood and he still couldn't survive, and because Siwon knew nothing from the get go, and because Yoochun tore her apart without a moment's hesitation. Because Yunho understood and he had the strength to hold on anyways.
She reaches for his hand and in a sudden moment of clarity realizes what it means when he reaches for hers right back.
PART FOUR
SM reps confirm BoA and TVXQ's Jung Yunho's relationship!
The article headlines with a picture of Yunho leaving her apartment from three months back, from when he'd dropped off a mix tape of her upcoming album in preparation on orders from her manager. Paparazzi by the company, that's how fake this thing is becoming, and he texts her the same time her manager does, like there was something they could do about it now.
did you know about this?
I'll come and pick you up.
Boa deletes one and responds to the other with single words and angry fingers flying over keys that she can barely see through teary eyes.
Her mind traces back to Siwon. He's the last person she would have expected, but Yunho can tell her what she's supposed to be listening to later, because all she can think of is how Siwon had warned her.
"It'll come eventually, when you're least expecting it. The wrong choice."
Boa sighs and Yunho's grip on her hand tightens, like he knows, but he doesn't know. He doesn't know anything. He's only done this once, with Lina, of all people, like he would know the hurt and the stress and the reason for the wrinkles etched at the corners of her lips, swollen eyes and a bloated face and a breaking heart that's worse than all of those hurts combined, like he would know any of it at all-
"Come on, let's go."
Yunho pulls her up out of her chair and tears well in her eyes as soon as they leave the conference room, unexpected and threatening to spill at any second. "Boa-"
"Don't touch me." Boa shrugs his hand off of her shoulder and stumbles to their spot under the staircase, ignoring her blurred vision and dropping to the cold floor. "I don't want to hear any of it."
"Just listen-"
"Shut up, I said I don't want to hear it."
"It's not your fault, okay, they don't care whether you're ready or not-"
"I know!" Boa looks at him and she probably looks like a monster, she feels like a monster, none of this was supposed to happen and she wishes she could share her feelings because then she would throw all of her emotions at Yunho, let him deal with all of this because isn't that what friends are for? Friends? Best friends?
She doesn't know what any of those things mean anymore.
"I know they don't care, Yunho, and I know it's not my fault, but I can't… I can't do this again. Not with… not with you."
Yunho bends down in front of her and she looks at him through watery eyes and wonders when it changed, when they became so different. Two years is a long time, she thinks. "Boa."
"I loved him," she whispers, and she curls her legs up into her chest, wrapping her arms tightly around them. "I loved Jaejoong, and I didn't understand Siwon, and I hated Yoochun enough to let him go. And now I feel like all of what I'm supposed to have left is gone too."
He wipes the tears underneath her eyes and her heart constricts and maybe his does too, and they sit like that, in the darkness for eternity, crouched and uncomfortable and sweaty, because Boa wants nothing more than for Yunho to be there and only there.
She lets him hold her and doesn't let herself believe that it will stay the same.
Yunho doesn't really know what he's doing. His hands are stiff and his hugs are brief and his eyes are confused, and Boa lets her heat simmer into him, melting him until he knows that they are still them and this is just more.
"You don't - don't kick me!" Boa laughs, pretending like her leg isn't throbbing as she moves her chair closer to him. "Just be natural. We're playing footsies is all."
"This is weird," Yunho says, but the smile on his face tells her otherwise and she almost kind of forgets then, that this is a game. "Footsies? With my best friend?"
"You're making it weird, that's your problem." She leans over against the table so her hand is closer to him, one eyebrow raised. "I'm not some kind of disease, you know. You can touch me. How else are people going to believe that we're actually dating?"
Yunho sighs, letting his hand rest on top of hers, and Boa ignores the warmth and the sudden punch in her gut, like somehow this is wrong, completely wrong.
"Does this mean no more dissing you in interviews?"
The pain disappears and Boa is narrowing her eyes, trying without success in hiding the grin on her face. "For you, at least, but I can still say whatever I want. I'm much more experienced than you, after all," she adds, and Yunho's shocked face makes her laugh harder than she normally would.
A healing process, she tells him later. The wounds are too big but it's better to bandage them over and over again instead of letting them bleed.
"When did you fall in love with him?"
It's as his apartment, this time, and she makes sure to be extra conspicuous when she walks up to the apartment complex, half-heartedly waving away paparazzi because this is what they are now, this is their life, together.
Boa toys with the head of her beer can, sighing and watching as the bubbles fizz away because Jaejoong is long gone and it's not like he loved her back.
"When he kissed me, I guess. And I realized he didn't give a shit, just as much as I did, and that we were gonna make this our own if it meant not giving in to it."
It's silent, for a while, and she wonders what Yunho is thinking, how much he remembers and how much he chose to forget, which memories he relives over and over in his head, questioning if they were ever even true in the first place. That used to be her. The traumatizing questions, the nights in bed lying awake, wondering, wondering, wondering. Wondering does shit for answers, she wants to stay, but Yunho looks so pitiful silent that she zips her mouth shut and throws away the key, open for his love and only that.
"Hey."
"Hm?"
Boa lets her hand fall over his, squeezing tightly, the greenish colored veins in the back of her hands a stark contrast against her pale skin. She smiles. "Even if this isn't a break, at least we're together, right?"
He smiles and she sees traces of Jaejoong in the way he flips his hair back, soft lips and tan skin and piercing gaze. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right."
"Love is useless anyways. I mean, look at what we're doing now."
Yunho laughs and pulls his hand away and she doesn't notice the sudden cold, stinging and unpleasant, and he runs his hand through his hair and pays no attention to the way Boa's heart breaks because this isn't the way it is supposed to be.
Once he gets the hang of it, he can't be put to rest. Boa watches the way Yunho praises her during interviews, mentions annoying habits of hers that she didn't even notice herself on variety programs, calling out to her during album promotions and bringing her up on his own over radio shows.
He takes her out on dates and makes a show of it, even when no one is around to watch, pulling her chair out for her and giving her his jacket when it's windy outside, whispering sweet nothings into her ear and holding their hands together in the pocket of his coat when it is too cold, and once at a restaurant he locks their feet together under the table even though the tablecloth falls all the way to the floor.
Yunho walks her home and makes sure she gets inside safely and occasionally he will follow her in and entertain her for hours, hours on end, and Boa forgets that this is her job and they are an act and all of it is a stunt, a major, disastrous, publicity stunt.
Boa's heart catches at the way his bangs fall into this eyes and she falls in love.
She falls in love with him somewhere between the eighth and the ninth date, between fishing at the lake and movies at an outdoor theater, between interlocked fingers and chapped lips brushing against the shell of her ear.
She falls in love with him when he becomes Prince Charming and Boa realizes that she is ready to become Cinderella once again.
It's Jaejoong all over again. The repeat button that broke on the way, she supposes.
Yunho is holding her hand on the way back home and Boa wonders if he can hear her heart threatening to beat right out of her chest, pounding loudly against her ribcage, a declaration she is all too ready to keep silent.
"You've gotten really good at this, you know."
He laughs, his fingers tightening between hers. "Yeah, never knew I had it in me."
"I like this new side of you though, I have to say. It has all the girls swooning."
"Including you?" Yunho looks over at her, his eyebrows raised and a smirk playing at the end of his lips, and she's fighting and failing to hide the smile ready to spill.
"Yeah. Including me."
Boa can feel herself turning red and she lets go of his hand to cover her face, tips of her ears burning and Yunho's laugh is loud and charming, seeping into her in warmth as he wraps his arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer. "That's cute."
"Stop, this is weird," and she hits him playfully, trying to get away but not really, not when the warmth is so inviting and comforting and so necessary. "Jesus."
"You stop, you're the one that started this!"
They go bickering the rest of the walk home, and Boa is the least to say disappointed, not ready to let go of him because he looks so beautiful under the yellow streetlight, shadowing his features and making him stand out nonetheless, and her hand finds his again at the door of her apartment and right now they are all alone and it is Jaejoong all over again, a repeated disaster, but she wants it and it's as if nothing mattered, like her heart could break million times over and it's exactly what she had signed up for.
Yunho is about to let go when Boa tugs him back, and maybe then he knows. He drops her hand and she presses back against the door, waiting for it and still shivering when he whispers into her ear, a promise that both of them know isn't going to last.
"Are you sure you want this?" he says, and Boa nods, reaching up to fist her hand into the thin material of his t-shirt. "I'm not Jaejoong."
She shudders. "I know. I know, I'm sorry, I promise, I know."
"Don't - don't apologize," he breathes, and now his lips are ghosting the skin of her jawline, teasing, teasing, not quite there yet. "I don't want you to apologize."
"I'm sorry," and she bites on her lip when he presses flush against her, hot breaths making the skin around her neck itch. "I'm sorry. I love you."
Yunho kisses her, he finally kisses her, then, and she can hear the snapshot of a camera somewhere in the background but she doesn't care, she just wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him closer and tells herself this is for the better, they are for the better, she loves him and so this is okay.
He pulls back and Boa wishes she didn't love him, right then. "I'm sorry."
Yunho kisses her again and buries his face into the crook of her neck, dropping kisses from her neck to the skin stretching over her collarbones.
"I'm sorry," she repeats, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," and she ignores the first tear that hits her flesh, and the second, and the third, and the tens, the hundreds that fall afterwards.
"I'm sorry too," Yunho says, and maybe what Jaejoong was wasn't love because this is, the burning of her heart is, and she watches him walk away until he dissipates into the staircase of her apartment complex, blurred lines and black and white and brown coloring her vision.
Because once you've fallen in love, it's different.
On the outside, it is still all the same. He holds her hand, pulls her chair out, pecks her cheek and offers her his coat when she is cold, but they both know it is different and it scares her, him, them.
But she feels love in her heart and sees love in his eyes and maybe it was expected.
A girl and a guy can never be best friends. Boa tightens her grip on Yunho's hand and she sees the danger in reciprocated love, in secretly holding on to Jaejoong and trying to hold on to Yoochun and getting neither.
It was satisfying, somewhat, expecting nothing. No need for unnecessary breaking and tearing.
A year passes and the public still enjoys, so she lets herself indulge. A bite of the cake and you're left wanting more, but Boa doesn't see why she can't finish it.
So she will.
Yunho doesn't call her at their sixteenth month and she doesn't tell him she didn't think they would last this long.
Boa finds a picture of them hidden somewhere in her box of dusty memories, pulling it out to finger the worn card stock material, tracing his smiling eyes and the curve of his lips. He smiles on television, but Boa wonders if that's how it looks like in person too. Kim Jaejoong, the heartthrob, the dangerous bad boy with his runaway eyeliner and red hair and pale, ghostlike skin.
Kim Jaejoong, her first not so true love.
"This is weird," she whispers over the phone much later that night, and he's got a schedule the next day and no proper girlfriend would keep her boyfriend up that late, but Boa can't help herself. "We're weird."
"You just realized that?" Yunho chuckles, his voice laced with sleep and something deeper that makes her shiver.
"Yeah. Weird, isn't it?"
Yunho laughs again, and Boa finds herself smiling with him. "We were weird before, we're weird now, and we'll be weird after."
After. That's a scary thought. "Yeah. After. We'll be weird then too."
"Boa…"
"We'll be weird, and we'll be the same, okay? This doesn't have to change."
"Whatever you say. Nothing will change if you don't want it to."
"And how about what you want?"
"I want what you want."
Sixteen months. Boa is so in love it hurts.
Five months later and the marriage rumors begin. She doesn't notice them at first, letting herself fall deeper and deeper into this, and the company drops her first single in a year's worth, and the success is unimaginable.
Then comes the articles, little reports on late night outings, questions during interviews and that one breaking news when she'd been spotted a wedding dress boutique.
(boa dismisses that with a wave of her hand, i was helping yoona for her drama filming, and scoffs at her company's expertise in creating scandals on their own.)
Yunho takes her to the park and he's all pretty smiles and open hands and Boa doesn't know when it changed, when he started believing it too.
"Weird," she says, when he asks her how she's feeling, and she doesn't know why he laughs. "Really weird. Why are you so happy, anyways?"
"I don't know, things are going well."
"As in…?"
Boa brings the glass of wine to her lips, admires Yunho's detail in these little things, and watches as his eyes sparkle like he's retelling the story of a lifetime. "I've taken you've seen all the articles and stuff?"
"Is that what this is about?"
His smile falters a little bit but it doesn't leave and she wonders if she's at that stage to completely wipe it away. This is not right.
"Yeah, it's good news, don't you think?"
"Getting married?"
"I mean I never said it was gonna happen, but it means our relationship is on a good track, so…" He trails off when he notices she hasn't said anything, staring down at her untouched plate of food, eyes in a trance. "Boa?"
"I don't - I don't know, Yunho. I wouldn't get so caught up in it."
"Caught up? Who said anything about getting caught up?"
"You, you're getting caught up. It's like you believe this stuff."
"I never said I believed any of this shit, I'm just saying it's not bad for us-"
"It doesn't mean anything for us, Yunho. The more we start to appreciate the little things the more it'll hurt later on."
Yunho scoffs, and the soft look he had earlier is replaced with something of defiance. "There's nothing wrong with being happy about this situation, Boa."
"I never said that, I'm just saying we shouldn't go involved into the details-"
"Of course we should, it's our relationship, why shouldn't we be involved?"
"Because the more we get involved, the more it hurts in the end."
"And who taught you that?"
Boa closes her eyes, leans forward and pretends the pounding in her chest is because she's in love and not because she's in pain. "Jaejoong. Jaejoong taught me that."
Yunho doesn't say anything and it's the silence that hurts more. They pack up in the same quiet and he drops her off without saying anything, and maybe it's an understood agreement that one hurts for the other and the other hurts for the one, that Boa knows more and maybe she is write but Yunho loves more and so maybe he is right.
It's their first fight and Boa wonders if that was supposed to be a sign.
((
she lies in bed, counting the faded marks on the wall and the number of times yunho's slept over, curled up on his side, sometimes on his own and other times with his arm tossed over her waist, a heavy weight she was always so ready to bear.
boa runs her hand over the empty spot on her bed and smiles.
it was nice that they lasted this long without a bump.
but it was only about time until they were going to hit a stop.
))
When they meet up again, Yunho is all smiles and Boa takes his hand just as if nothing happened.
It's the premier of Changmin's new movie, and she arrives donned in a long black gown that matches his suit, red lips a shade darker than the tie around his neck, hair whisked to one side just as his other.
He presses his lips against her cheek when they meet and Boa shivers. Yunho raises an eyebrow but says nothing, so she links her arm in his and says nothing either.
It's when they are finally off of the red carpet and settled inside the hall that she lets her hand loose, but his arm falls to her waist and he pulls her close anyways, not ready to let go even if she is.
Boa keeps her mouth shut and lets him be in love, for once.
It's always been her, after all.
When the lights have dimmed and they are seated somewhere towards the front, an action scene intro and Boa's hand tight in Yunho's, he leans over, hot puffs of air ghosting her ear. "It's nice how dictated all of this is because then we don't have to ignore each other, even if we want to."
Boa swallows when he pulls away, only to pull him back to place a soft kiss against the stubble of his jaw. It's been weeks since he's last shaved.
"I love you," she whispers, and he smiles.
"I love you too," and even if they know it isn't enough, she'll believe for the night it is.
Month twenty two and the break up rumors begin circulating. The outlets catch on quickly, to tight-lipped smiles and half-hearted hugs and all that she has become.
Boa ignores him and falls into the gossips of the people.
Deliver what's expected. No need to skirt around it, when there is no guarantee of it ever working.
She bites back tears at missed phone calls and tells herself it's all for the better. Everything she's done, it's all for the better. For him, for her, for them, it's all always been for the better.
Boa doesn't even know what better is anymore.
"Are you mad?"
This is the third time he's asked and Boa holds in her breath, grips on to this hand tighter and looks up at him with a smile neither of them believe. "No. I'm wonderful, I'm fine. I'm happy, Yunho." She leans in and kisses the corner of his lips and tastes skin and sweat and ashes. "I'm happy."
Yunho sighs. "Whatever you say." He's taken to not caring, but she's taken to not delivering, so Boa supposes it works either way.
They walk the rest of the way home in silence, another date cut short by murmurs by surrounding people, looks of distaste and shaking heads by strangers that have no idea. Boa had pulled him up out of his seat and lead the way away. Far, far away, but it's never far enough.
Once they're inside, Boa drops his hand and rummages for a beer in the refrigerator, melting away bitterness with more bitterness. "You're mad," and this time it's a statement, not a question.
"I'm not mad, I'm preparing."
"Preparing?" He sounds angry. "Preparing for what?"
Boa blinks, once, twice, three times, and the wetness disappears each time she wills it away. "Us. The end, whatever you want to call it."
"And what makes you so sure we're ending?"
"What, you think we're going to last forever?!" Boa yells. "Who do you think started all these breakup rumors in the first place? You know the drill, it's not like you haven't done it before!"
"I don't know why you need to make this whole thing so painful, Boa! Maybe if you enjoyed it while it lasted this wouldn't have to hurt so bad."
Yunho is right in front of her now, his eyes filled with hurt, but she can't bring herself to understand him, because he's wrong, they are wrong, all of it is wrong wrong wrong.
"We're not supposed to enjoy this, Yunho. We're raking in money, not feelings. This isn't a match-making company, this is entertainment, it's all fake, stop acting as if we're forever and always, because we're not."
"Why? Because they don't want it, or because you don't want it?"
She stops, watches as he steps away from her, and the wall crashes down in bits and pieces, angry shards that pierce her as she tries to walk over them. "Yunho, you know that's not what I meant."
"Oh, really? Because that's sure what it sounded like."
Boa takes a step towards him, grabbing on to his hand, relishing in his warmth and falling a little more in love when he doesn't pull away. "I can't… I never said I wanted to end this."
"Then why have you already given up?"
He's looking at her with those broken eyes again, like something could change if they believed enough. "Because there's no point in trying."
The expression on his face falls and then it's gone, all the emotion wiped away by a stoic hardness, and Yunho lets his hand lay limp so Boa no longer has anything to hold on to. "Fine, if that's what you think. I'm leaving. Sulk by yourself, I don't want to be part of your sadistic tragedy."
He steps away and Boa doesn't know who it hurts more, her who can't bring herself to follow or him who can't bring himself stay.
Siwon comes to apartment at the start of month twenty three and she lets him in without question. It's strange, how exes work.
"This is the longest you've been… Set up." Boa doesn't quite like his word choice, but she sets a glass of orange juice in front of him anyways and pretends like it doesn't matter. "How are you holding up?"
"Well, according to the news outlets, we're on the verge of breaking up."
He smiles and he is just as charming as all those years ago. "I have to say I think so too."
Boa furrows her eyebrows and takes a seat next to him on the sofa, curling her legs up towards her and she feels so small and helpless without Yunho on her other side. "I've been thinking about what you said," she finally says.
"What did I say?"
"That this isn't all… A stunt. Not all of it is fake."
Siwon is smiling and she hates how he knows, how he's seen it coming, but she admittedly loves him all the same. "And?"
"I don't think it's all fake, but I'm." Inhale. "Scared." Exhale. "I'm scared, because this isn't going to turn out right, and I don't know when they plan on ending it but I'm afraid it's soon, and," she's tripping over her words now, but she can't stop, not now, "and I want to prepare myself but I don't want to waste these last months, and I'm so scared and confused. It's real, Siwon. I believe you, it's real."
"Let it be real, then. Stop trying to control what you can't and take it as it is."
"But I can't, not when I know the end is coming-"
"But you don't know that, do you?"
Boa opens her mouth again, but the words fail to leave and he's looking at her with a smile so wide it's as if he's going to burst. "I - what?"
"You don't know if the end is coming. We aren't just toys, you know." Siwon stands up, then, juice untouched and smile unfaltering. "I should leave. Enjoy your time, Boa."
He leans over, running a hand through her hair, pushing her bangs away from her face, but she doesn't register anything until he is long gone out the door, out to the demanding public and the expensive cameras for himself to deal with.
It might cause a frenzy, but Boa ignores the consequences because the public never cared much about them anyways. She finally let's herself loose and it's the first time she believes it will stay that way.
She wakes up in the morning to a flurry of texts, congratulations and sentiments that have no meaning until she goes online.
Boa doesn't register the words until her phone rings.
SM announces engagement of TVXQ's leader Yunho and soloist BoA Kwon!
She scrolls down, scanning over words that blur in her vision, stopping only when she reaches the picture at the bottom. Boa recognizes it from a little over two weeks ago, when she had dropped her earring, her hands covering her mouth as he had bent down to search for it. She laughs, tears welling up in her eyes, but her heart is so full and this has to be a dream.
Her phone rings again, and she leans over to see Yunho's face filling the screen, smiling and beautiful and all hers.
All hers.
"So, I hear we're getting married?"
Boa is smiling so wide that she thinks her face might split it into two, but she jumps into his arms anyways, kissing him soundly on the lips and claiming her one and only.
It's been too long.
"I heard, too," she whispers against his lips, running her hands through his hair. Yunho's smiling just as widely as she is and Boa can't think of anything she wanted more, how much this game is no longer a game but real life, her life, all laid out in front of her in the most perfect set up ever.
She's won. She's won, and her prize is right in front of her.
Boa kisses him again, again and again, wraps her arms around his neck and buries her face into her hair, and indulges.
((
he tells her he saw it coming.
it's the end of many.
))
request of the day
sekai
chanyeol/seohyun (plsssss)
seohyun in general
hyunhyun!
um
me
dbsk/boa, past!jyj/boa, past!super junior/boa - yunho/boa, past!jaejoong/boa, past!siwon/boa, past!yoochun/boa - pg
7956w~
the company is trying out a new publicity stunt. a dating game, if you will.
written and dedicated to raeyoo with this prompt. hope this is what you had in mind bb, enjoy!! ♥
((
he tells her he saw it coming.
it's the first of many.
))
PART ONE
Jaejoong was the first.
She doesn't remember all that much, their relationship. That's what she tells people, at least. No one talks about him anymore, except for maybe Heechul, and even he thinks to keep quiet about their obvious existing friendship, about how someone other than him knew, and it's become somewhat of an acceptance more than a request to avoid saying his name, the mere mention of a supposed forgotten.
Boa thinks maybe she should've held on to him. Maybe he would've stayed if she had been more stubborn, had shown him true love against the advice of their managers.
Maybe it was her fault. If Yoochun hadn't have happened, she might know, and Jaejoong might still be there, in front of her, the same first one she had pretended to be so in love with all those years ago. Kim Jaejoong, the lock on her heart. That's what they'd been.
Boa turns over on her back, flashing back to memory after memory of sitting in the backseat of Jaejoong's Porsche, hiding behind the shade of tinted windows and quiet whispers, and maybe she does remember him, the little things that she had hoped were keeping him held together instead of coming apart piece by piece.
Their hands did fit together. Boa gives herself at least that much.
It's a rushed story, one she relives in seconds and minutes and if the hours are dwindling away at night and her eyes refuse to fall shut, then there too.
He tells her about it before she is officially informed. The spot under the staircase her and Yunho discovered two weeks into his company entrance and she had befriended someone maybe she shouldn't have, and then it becomes their secret spot, her and the five of them.
Jaejoong pulls her there, eyes red and bangs swept away from his forehead and he looks increasingly worried as the seconds tick past.
"I think - just." The words seem to have trouble leaving his throat, and Boa stays put, stays put just like she always has. "Don't argue with him when he tells you."
It's funny how Boa knows exactly who he is talking about.
"My manager told me this morning, I'm sure yours will tell you soon enough. We're next."
She doesn't ask what next means.
"Play along, act as if you like it. And don't let it change us."
It couldn't have done anything but.
The company is trying out a new publicity stunt. A dating game, if you will. You'll be partnered off with someone, you'll stay together like this for a certain amount of time, play along as if it exists, as realistic as you can. All within the company, of course. And then when we decide, it ends. Just like that.
This is where she comes in.
Jaejoong was the first, but he is definitely not the last, and for some reason that makes her feel a little better when she looks back on it. The distinct relationship that was Kim Jaejoong and Kwon Boa. She probably misses him the most.
They are also the longest.
Sixteen months. Boa remembers each one clearly, the awkwardness that had never come and the love that never followed. It was the same relationship, except holding hands and occasional touches and sneaky glances that aren't really meant to be so sneaky (and the kisses they share behind literal closed doors, an experiment she doesn't think she should have tried, but it wasn't like they were in love, not really anyways).
Around month three, he grabs her hand in public for the first time. Boa resists the urge to laugh and Jaejoong gives her this look from the side, just play along, and she smiles at him and tightens her grip on him.
The company rolls their eyes but the fans eat it up and Boa kind of likes being used as a toy, when she thinks about it. It's strange and horrible and she doesn't catch that until it's much too late.
"We're pretty good at this, don't you think?" he tells her during month seven, when they have their feet interlocked under the table at a restaurant, hands toying with each other on the table. He's picking at her newly done nails, mostly because he knows it annoys her. "Everyone seems to love us."
"Can't get used to it though, can we?" Boa winks and Jaejoong reaches out, wiping away a smudge of her lipstick or a rice grain stuck to the corner of her mouth, she doesn't quite know, but the feeling is unfamiliar and she doesn't move, his hand freezing midway on its destination back.
"Yeah." He smiles first, bangs falling into his eyes. "We can't."
He kisses her after she is officially told by her manager, pulling her back under the same staircase and pressing dry lips against dry lips, and it tastes like skin and nothing else.
Neither one of them says anything when they pull apart and it's as if nothing has changed. "Nothing has changed," he answers her unspoken thoughts and maybe that's why it was the best first choice.
"Okay."
"Okay." He kisses her again and she tries not to let it get to her.
They are about to step on to the red carpet together, and Jaejoong pulls her into his lap just before the limousine is set to make its stop. "Let's give them something to look forward to," and then he presses his dry lips against her heavily glossed ones, and she leaves the car with her hair ruffled and her face flushed, but the rest of her is just as flawless as the whole of him.
The crowds cheer and she finds high-definition pictures of her red cheeks and swollen lips as soon as she gets home.
She kisses Jaejoong in celebration and it becomes a sort of greeting.
They announce the break up at month fifteen, and at month sixteen Jaejoong and Boa reveal it to the world.
"It was nice while it lasted," he says, a last dinner just before the week of the official statement. Their hands are still playing on the table and it will be weird when they go out for staff dinners and she isn't supposed to be touching him anymore. Boa wonders if she will miss it, and then she wonders if he will miss it, and then she realizes that neither of those things matter and she has to stop wondering at all.
"Yeah. I suppose. At least it didn't make us weird or anything."
"What, did you think it would?"
Boa shrugs. They've been best friends ever since he started, she thinks. "I don't know what I was expecting, to be honest."
He laughs and if anyone were to see this they wouldn't think the two were just about to break up, so Boa pulls her hand away and gives him a small smile, before standing up abruptly. Jaejoong seems to know what she's doing, and leans back against his chair, the same smile toying at the ends of his lips. "I think we should break up," she finally says.
"Yeah. Me too."
"It was nice while it lasted," she repeats, and Jaejoong's bangs fall into his eyes again, like they always do, and it takes all of her efforts to not brush them back (and pretend) as if she were in love.
"Yeah. I suppose. At least it didn't make us weird or anything."
Boa raises an eyebrow. "What, did you think it would?"
Jaejoong stands up, and then they are only inches apart, and he steps back to give her room, letting her step in front as he follows her out the restaurant doors. On a normal day, he would walk her home, but today is not normal. Today is the finale.
"I don't know what I was expecting."
They stand outside in the cold for what feels like hours, and then she kicks him lightly and whispers, just loud enough for him to hear. "At least we got to try it."
"Farthest we'll ever get, right?"
She smiles. "I'm going home."
They are the longest, and maybe that's why it was so difficult.
It only gets easier after that.
The love doesn't exist after that.
((
yunho asks her about it, asks what it had been like. he's up next, is rumored, and boa doesn't think there is enough of them to spread out evenly. it's strange that no one questions the announcement of yunho and lina, but maybe because lina was just about long forgotten and the publicity stunt revives all those that are just about passed.
she tells him to hold lina's hand and to not let go until the very last day, but it falls apart too quickly.
the attention lasts for all of seconds and then boa realizes you can't revive the dead and sometimes it is time to move on.
boa holds lina's hand instead and maybe yunho never got the chance, maybe that's why it becomes so difficult later on.
yunho takes lina out on dates anyways and it's funny how no one pays them even a glance. boa doesn't know she is jealous until it is too late.
))
PART TWO
Siwon is short, quick, a brief experiment that all but failed. They laugh about it sometimes, but mostly it's an avoided conversation that she tries not to play with.
It's announced in between schedules and Siwon is next is the only true warning she gets before they are thrust into the flashing lights of the cameras and holding hands, and neither of them are quite prepared because skin keeps sliding nervously, sweat and disjointed.
"I didn't see this coming," he tells her during lunch one day, and she nods and tries to ignore the fans crowded around inside.
It's her most vivid memory out of all seventh months they last. Not even half of Jaejoong, not that she would ever mention it.
"Why is that? You guys are the biggest group in the world, you're the face of those beautiful thirteen, why wouldn't it be you?"
Siwon laughs, and it exudes charm, just as the rest of him. It makes her laugh too and yet she feels uncomfortable all at the same time.
"I'm not really surprised I'm next, but more the fact that we have to do this, is all."
"You know the directors, they come up with the strangest ideas to bring in money. I'm just surprised that fans actually buy into this shit."
Siwon smiles, but it falters a little bit because he believes, he believes in this thing they are doing and it's what made them such a horrible pair. Realists can't be optimists, and Boa thinks that was the breaking point, when Siwon finally realized. It coincides quite nicely with the announced breakup and sometimes Boa wonders if that had anything to do with it at all.
They announce their break up when they are together at an interview, when the host asks about their relationship and Siwon doesn't even spare a glance before he introduces perfect timing and friends are much better than lovers, anyways.
Boa smiles the whole way through and there wasn't even a dent in the heart she had long ago chipped away.
((
"well, that was horrible."
"you don't have to tell me." she's at his apartment, legs propped up on the coffee table and they are so small and insignificant that yunho doesn't even complain. he joins her at her left side and hands her an unopened can of beer and boa puts it to the side, doesn't mention that she quit drinking a long while back, during a special sixteen months she has yet to put aside.
the breaking news should have been expected.
she just didn't expect it to be so soon.
super junior's siwon and tiffany, member of rookie group, girl's generation, reveal relationship of one month! yunho laughs and it's not as broken as she would like, but she laughs along with him because it's not like it matters to her anyways.
it wasn't as if she ever liked him. seven ugly months of hands that didn't fit and lips that never met and eyes that bore acidic holes into one another because one believes and the other doesn't and boa likes it here, with yunho, and back then, with jaejoong, because she wasn't forced to live a lie in attempted truth.
"don't look so down, it's not as if you liked him anyways."
boa's laugh is a little more genuine this time. that's what she tells herself, at least. "i'm not down, it's just a little hurtful that they replaced me so quickly."
"as if you like this stuff."
boa doesn't respond, and yunho catches on quicker than she does when he laces his fingers through hers and gives her the love she thought she was getting. it's not as if she likes this stuff, boa thinks. it's not as if.
))
PART THREE
Yoochun is the first one to make her cry.
She sits on the floor of his room and holds his hand from his seat on the bed and prays that maybe it will go away, maybe he won't hurt, maybe if she was a little happier and held her head a little higher, that he would try too, that this game could becoming something real if he would just let it.
Yoochun's grip on her hand tightens and then it goes slack and falls loose, and the cold runs through her so quickly it makes her scared.
Two and a half months.
He signs the lawsuit and the company calls her schedule quits for another thirty-one days before she is released to the public again, and the rage that fills her is almost evident in the way she answers their questions.
"I can only hope for the best," Boa says, and inside her heart burns and her insides melt and she wonders why he even tried.
Yoochun kisses her and it tastes like ashes and although Boa had never loved, she had felt, and the betrayal is worse than all of the other faults.
It's a relationship of broken patches and withering trust and Yoochun lets go before she even has the chance to grab on.
They leave her alone for two years and she has no one to thank but him.
Boa wonders about Jaejoong, mostly, and occasionally Junsu, and she tries not to dwell on Yoochun but he makes that difficult and they pass each other once before she is never to see him again.
His eyes are dead and hers are filled with hatred.
She hates him.
Hates.
She hates him.
The way he uses her, the way he doesn't tell her, the way he drops her, the way he leaves it for her to clean up alone, the way she might have tried for him and the way he refuses her efforts, the way he wasn't enough and she was so much more and the way she has to do this in the first place, this stupid game that brings her nothing but heartbreak and loss when neither of those things were supposed to have existed in the first place.
He texts her when he lands in Japan, as if words make a difference.
I'm sorry.
She doesn't respond, because apologies change nothing, and Boa regrets having tried to fall in love.
((
she tries not to act as if she is worse off and holds yunho's hand because it is weird the way both of them suffer, the way one has lost a team member and the other has lost a lover but in reality both of them have just lost a friend, multiple friends, and she doesn't cry when he does because boa doesn't think she is quite deserving.
boa nudges him in the shoulder in the late hours of the night, when they are rocking back and forth on the floor of his living room, the entertainment channel on mute playing some report on tvxq's split.
"hey, look at it on the bright side. at least we get a break from this stupid publicity stunt."
he smiles and throws his arm around her, and the weight is oddly comforting. "yeah. i guess we do need some time out of the spotlight."
it's a lie, and they both know it, because she's become too accustomed to the spotlight to let it go and it's all that pushes her now, all that keeps her going her forward, and it's the exact same for him at this point.
it's all they have left to hold on to. it's unnerving and unhealthy and disgusting.
it's her life.
boa tucks her head in the space between his head and his shoulder, breathing heavily against the skin of his neck, and when he shivers it becomes something different.
))
INTERMISSION
No one talks about it, after that. She doesn't hear his name and so her heart doesn't break, because while Jaejoong is a constant reminder, Yoochun is left as it is.
Two years, and she is left alone.
Singing, dancing, socializing, playing the part she normally isn't allowed, and there is no fake relationship to keep up with. Boa figures it was only a matter of time before they picked up again, but it's a nice pause.
A week before their single is to drop, the new hottest duo because JYJ is getting nowhere, Yunho comes to her apartment for a messy lunch in an even messier kitchen.
She figures it was only a matter of time before he would ask, too.
"Jaejoong?"
"He was the easiest." Boa scoops up a spoonful of rice and stares at the tiny grains until they become blurs of white in her vision. "He understood. Me, us, this thing, everything, he understood. I don't know why he left."
Yunho runs a hand through his hair, and it's been cut short at the sides, but she can't remember when. She can't remember a lot of things, now that she thinks about it.
"And Yoochun?"
Boa shakes her head, and lets the coarse strands of her own hair cover her vision because she doesn't want to see his face, Yunho, who had known something was wrong, Yunho, who held her through even though it was harder for him, Yunho, who saved her before himself. "I guess I saw that one coming."
"Boa…"
"I don't think I can forgive him for that. Leaving, like it wouldn't affect me. Just because it was an act doesn't mean it was all fake."
He sighs and maybe it is selfish of her to think that way, but Boa likes that out of all of them he was the one to stay. Because she needs him, and because Jaejoong understood and he still couldn't survive, and because Siwon knew nothing from the get go, and because Yoochun tore her apart without a moment's hesitation. Because Yunho understood and he had the strength to hold on anyways.
She reaches for his hand and in a sudden moment of clarity realizes what it means when he reaches for hers right back.
PART FOUR
SM reps confirm BoA and TVXQ's Jung Yunho's relationship!
The article headlines with a picture of Yunho leaving her apartment from three months back, from when he'd dropped off a mix tape of her upcoming album in preparation on orders from her manager. Paparazzi by the company, that's how fake this thing is becoming, and he texts her the same time her manager does, like there was something they could do about it now.
did you know about this?
I'll come and pick you up.
Boa deletes one and responds to the other with single words and angry fingers flying over keys that she can barely see through teary eyes.
Her mind traces back to Siwon. He's the last person she would have expected, but Yunho can tell her what she's supposed to be listening to later, because all she can think of is how Siwon had warned her.
"It'll come eventually, when you're least expecting it. The wrong choice."
Boa sighs and Yunho's grip on her hand tightens, like he knows, but he doesn't know. He doesn't know anything. He's only done this once, with Lina, of all people, like he would know the hurt and the stress and the reason for the wrinkles etched at the corners of her lips, swollen eyes and a bloated face and a breaking heart that's worse than all of those hurts combined, like he would know any of it at all-
"Come on, let's go."
Yunho pulls her up out of her chair and tears well in her eyes as soon as they leave the conference room, unexpected and threatening to spill at any second. "Boa-"
"Don't touch me." Boa shrugs his hand off of her shoulder and stumbles to their spot under the staircase, ignoring her blurred vision and dropping to the cold floor. "I don't want to hear any of it."
"Just listen-"
"Shut up, I said I don't want to hear it."
"It's not your fault, okay, they don't care whether you're ready or not-"
"I know!" Boa looks at him and she probably looks like a monster, she feels like a monster, none of this was supposed to happen and she wishes she could share her feelings because then she would throw all of her emotions at Yunho, let him deal with all of this because isn't that what friends are for? Friends? Best friends?
She doesn't know what any of those things mean anymore.
"I know they don't care, Yunho, and I know it's not my fault, but I can't… I can't do this again. Not with… not with you."
Yunho bends down in front of her and she looks at him through watery eyes and wonders when it changed, when they became so different. Two years is a long time, she thinks. "Boa."
"I loved him," she whispers, and she curls her legs up into her chest, wrapping her arms tightly around them. "I loved Jaejoong, and I didn't understand Siwon, and I hated Yoochun enough to let him go. And now I feel like all of what I'm supposed to have left is gone too."
He wipes the tears underneath her eyes and her heart constricts and maybe his does too, and they sit like that, in the darkness for eternity, crouched and uncomfortable and sweaty, because Boa wants nothing more than for Yunho to be there and only there.
She lets him hold her and doesn't let herself believe that it will stay the same.
Yunho doesn't really know what he's doing. His hands are stiff and his hugs are brief and his eyes are confused, and Boa lets her heat simmer into him, melting him until he knows that they are still them and this is just more.
"You don't - don't kick me!" Boa laughs, pretending like her leg isn't throbbing as she moves her chair closer to him. "Just be natural. We're playing footsies is all."
"This is weird," Yunho says, but the smile on his face tells her otherwise and she almost kind of forgets then, that this is a game. "Footsies? With my best friend?"
"You're making it weird, that's your problem." She leans over against the table so her hand is closer to him, one eyebrow raised. "I'm not some kind of disease, you know. You can touch me. How else are people going to believe that we're actually dating?"
Yunho sighs, letting his hand rest on top of hers, and Boa ignores the warmth and the sudden punch in her gut, like somehow this is wrong, completely wrong.
"Does this mean no more dissing you in interviews?"
The pain disappears and Boa is narrowing her eyes, trying without success in hiding the grin on her face. "For you, at least, but I can still say whatever I want. I'm much more experienced than you, after all," she adds, and Yunho's shocked face makes her laugh harder than she normally would.
A healing process, she tells him later. The wounds are too big but it's better to bandage them over and over again instead of letting them bleed.
"When did you fall in love with him?"
It's as his apartment, this time, and she makes sure to be extra conspicuous when she walks up to the apartment complex, half-heartedly waving away paparazzi because this is what they are now, this is their life, together.
Boa toys with the head of her beer can, sighing and watching as the bubbles fizz away because Jaejoong is long gone and it's not like he loved her back.
"When he kissed me, I guess. And I realized he didn't give a shit, just as much as I did, and that we were gonna make this our own if it meant not giving in to it."
It's silent, for a while, and she wonders what Yunho is thinking, how much he remembers and how much he chose to forget, which memories he relives over and over in his head, questioning if they were ever even true in the first place. That used to be her. The traumatizing questions, the nights in bed lying awake, wondering, wondering, wondering. Wondering does shit for answers, she wants to stay, but Yunho looks so pitiful silent that she zips her mouth shut and throws away the key, open for his love and only that.
"Hey."
"Hm?"
Boa lets her hand fall over his, squeezing tightly, the greenish colored veins in the back of her hands a stark contrast against her pale skin. She smiles. "Even if this isn't a break, at least we're together, right?"
He smiles and she sees traces of Jaejoong in the way he flips his hair back, soft lips and tan skin and piercing gaze. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right."
"Love is useless anyways. I mean, look at what we're doing now."
Yunho laughs and pulls his hand away and she doesn't notice the sudden cold, stinging and unpleasant, and he runs his hand through his hair and pays no attention to the way Boa's heart breaks because this isn't the way it is supposed to be.
Once he gets the hang of it, he can't be put to rest. Boa watches the way Yunho praises her during interviews, mentions annoying habits of hers that she didn't even notice herself on variety programs, calling out to her during album promotions and bringing her up on his own over radio shows.
He takes her out on dates and makes a show of it, even when no one is around to watch, pulling her chair out for her and giving her his jacket when it's windy outside, whispering sweet nothings into her ear and holding their hands together in the pocket of his coat when it is too cold, and once at a restaurant he locks their feet together under the table even though the tablecloth falls all the way to the floor.
Yunho walks her home and makes sure she gets inside safely and occasionally he will follow her in and entertain her for hours, hours on end, and Boa forgets that this is her job and they are an act and all of it is a stunt, a major, disastrous, publicity stunt.
Boa's heart catches at the way his bangs fall into this eyes and she falls in love.
She falls in love with him somewhere between the eighth and the ninth date, between fishing at the lake and movies at an outdoor theater, between interlocked fingers and chapped lips brushing against the shell of her ear.
She falls in love with him when he becomes Prince Charming and Boa realizes that she is ready to become Cinderella once again.
It's Jaejoong all over again. The repeat button that broke on the way, she supposes.
Yunho is holding her hand on the way back home and Boa wonders if he can hear her heart threatening to beat right out of her chest, pounding loudly against her ribcage, a declaration she is all too ready to keep silent.
"You've gotten really good at this, you know."
He laughs, his fingers tightening between hers. "Yeah, never knew I had it in me."
"I like this new side of you though, I have to say. It has all the girls swooning."
"Including you?" Yunho looks over at her, his eyebrows raised and a smirk playing at the end of his lips, and she's fighting and failing to hide the smile ready to spill.
"Yeah. Including me."
Boa can feel herself turning red and she lets go of his hand to cover her face, tips of her ears burning and Yunho's laugh is loud and charming, seeping into her in warmth as he wraps his arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer. "That's cute."
"Stop, this is weird," and she hits him playfully, trying to get away but not really, not when the warmth is so inviting and comforting and so necessary. "Jesus."
"You stop, you're the one that started this!"
They go bickering the rest of the walk home, and Boa is the least to say disappointed, not ready to let go of him because he looks so beautiful under the yellow streetlight, shadowing his features and making him stand out nonetheless, and her hand finds his again at the door of her apartment and right now they are all alone and it is Jaejoong all over again, a repeated disaster, but she wants it and it's as if nothing mattered, like her heart could break million times over and it's exactly what she had signed up for.
Yunho is about to let go when Boa tugs him back, and maybe then he knows. He drops her hand and she presses back against the door, waiting for it and still shivering when he whispers into her ear, a promise that both of them know isn't going to last.
"Are you sure you want this?" he says, and Boa nods, reaching up to fist her hand into the thin material of his t-shirt. "I'm not Jaejoong."
She shudders. "I know. I know, I'm sorry, I promise, I know."
"Don't - don't apologize," he breathes, and now his lips are ghosting the skin of her jawline, teasing, teasing, not quite there yet. "I don't want you to apologize."
"I'm sorry," and she bites on her lip when he presses flush against her, hot breaths making the skin around her neck itch. "I'm sorry. I love you."
Yunho kisses her, he finally kisses her, then, and she can hear the snapshot of a camera somewhere in the background but she doesn't care, she just wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him closer and tells herself this is for the better, they are for the better, she loves him and so this is okay.
He pulls back and Boa wishes she didn't love him, right then. "I'm sorry."
Yunho kisses her again and buries his face into the crook of her neck, dropping kisses from her neck to the skin stretching over her collarbones.
"I'm sorry," she repeats, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," and she ignores the first tear that hits her flesh, and the second, and the third, and the tens, the hundreds that fall afterwards.
"I'm sorry too," Yunho says, and maybe what Jaejoong was wasn't love because this is, the burning of her heart is, and she watches him walk away until he dissipates into the staircase of her apartment complex, blurred lines and black and white and brown coloring her vision.
Because once you've fallen in love, it's different.
On the outside, it is still all the same. He holds her hand, pulls her chair out, pecks her cheek and offers her his coat when she is cold, but they both know it is different and it scares her, him, them.
But she feels love in her heart and sees love in his eyes and maybe it was expected.
A girl and a guy can never be best friends. Boa tightens her grip on Yunho's hand and she sees the danger in reciprocated love, in secretly holding on to Jaejoong and trying to hold on to Yoochun and getting neither.
It was satisfying, somewhat, expecting nothing. No need for unnecessary breaking and tearing.
A year passes and the public still enjoys, so she lets herself indulge. A bite of the cake and you're left wanting more, but Boa doesn't see why she can't finish it.
So she will.
Yunho doesn't call her at their sixteenth month and she doesn't tell him she didn't think they would last this long.
Boa finds a picture of them hidden somewhere in her box of dusty memories, pulling it out to finger the worn card stock material, tracing his smiling eyes and the curve of his lips. He smiles on television, but Boa wonders if that's how it looks like in person too. Kim Jaejoong, the heartthrob, the dangerous bad boy with his runaway eyeliner and red hair and pale, ghostlike skin.
Kim Jaejoong, her first not so true love.
"This is weird," she whispers over the phone much later that night, and he's got a schedule the next day and no proper girlfriend would keep her boyfriend up that late, but Boa can't help herself. "We're weird."
"You just realized that?" Yunho chuckles, his voice laced with sleep and something deeper that makes her shiver.
"Yeah. Weird, isn't it?"
Yunho laughs again, and Boa finds herself smiling with him. "We were weird before, we're weird now, and we'll be weird after."
After. That's a scary thought. "Yeah. After. We'll be weird then too."
"Boa…"
"We'll be weird, and we'll be the same, okay? This doesn't have to change."
"Whatever you say. Nothing will change if you don't want it to."
"And how about what you want?"
"I want what you want."
Sixteen months. Boa is so in love it hurts.
Five months later and the marriage rumors begin. She doesn't notice them at first, letting herself fall deeper and deeper into this, and the company drops her first single in a year's worth, and the success is unimaginable.
Then comes the articles, little reports on late night outings, questions during interviews and that one breaking news when she'd been spotted a wedding dress boutique.
(boa dismisses that with a wave of her hand, i was helping yoona for her drama filming, and scoffs at her company's expertise in creating scandals on their own.)
Yunho takes her to the park and he's all pretty smiles and open hands and Boa doesn't know when it changed, when he started believing it too.
"Weird," she says, when he asks her how she's feeling, and she doesn't know why he laughs. "Really weird. Why are you so happy, anyways?"
"I don't know, things are going well."
"As in…?"
Boa brings the glass of wine to her lips, admires Yunho's detail in these little things, and watches as his eyes sparkle like he's retelling the story of a lifetime. "I've taken you've seen all the articles and stuff?"
"Is that what this is about?"
His smile falters a little bit but it doesn't leave and she wonders if she's at that stage to completely wipe it away. This is not right.
"Yeah, it's good news, don't you think?"
"Getting married?"
"I mean I never said it was gonna happen, but it means our relationship is on a good track, so…" He trails off when he notices she hasn't said anything, staring down at her untouched plate of food, eyes in a trance. "Boa?"
"I don't - I don't know, Yunho. I wouldn't get so caught up in it."
"Caught up? Who said anything about getting caught up?"
"You, you're getting caught up. It's like you believe this stuff."
"I never said I believed any of this shit, I'm just saying it's not bad for us-"
"It doesn't mean anything for us, Yunho. The more we start to appreciate the little things the more it'll hurt later on."
Yunho scoffs, and the soft look he had earlier is replaced with something of defiance. "There's nothing wrong with being happy about this situation, Boa."
"I never said that, I'm just saying we shouldn't go involved into the details-"
"Of course we should, it's our relationship, why shouldn't we be involved?"
"Because the more we get involved, the more it hurts in the end."
"And who taught you that?"
Boa closes her eyes, leans forward and pretends the pounding in her chest is because she's in love and not because she's in pain. "Jaejoong. Jaejoong taught me that."
Yunho doesn't say anything and it's the silence that hurts more. They pack up in the same quiet and he drops her off without saying anything, and maybe it's an understood agreement that one hurts for the other and the other hurts for the one, that Boa knows more and maybe she is write but Yunho loves more and so maybe he is right.
It's their first fight and Boa wonders if that was supposed to be a sign.
((
she lies in bed, counting the faded marks on the wall and the number of times yunho's slept over, curled up on his side, sometimes on his own and other times with his arm tossed over her waist, a heavy weight she was always so ready to bear.
boa runs her hand over the empty spot on her bed and smiles.
it was nice that they lasted this long without a bump.
but it was only about time until they were going to hit a stop.
))
When they meet up again, Yunho is all smiles and Boa takes his hand just as if nothing happened.
It's the premier of Changmin's new movie, and she arrives donned in a long black gown that matches his suit, red lips a shade darker than the tie around his neck, hair whisked to one side just as his other.
He presses his lips against her cheek when they meet and Boa shivers. Yunho raises an eyebrow but says nothing, so she links her arm in his and says nothing either.
It's when they are finally off of the red carpet and settled inside the hall that she lets her hand loose, but his arm falls to her waist and he pulls her close anyways, not ready to let go even if she is.
Boa keeps her mouth shut and lets him be in love, for once.
It's always been her, after all.
When the lights have dimmed and they are seated somewhere towards the front, an action scene intro and Boa's hand tight in Yunho's, he leans over, hot puffs of air ghosting her ear. "It's nice how dictated all of this is because then we don't have to ignore each other, even if we want to."
Boa swallows when he pulls away, only to pull him back to place a soft kiss against the stubble of his jaw. It's been weeks since he's last shaved.
"I love you," she whispers, and he smiles.
"I love you too," and even if they know it isn't enough, she'll believe for the night it is.
Month twenty two and the break up rumors begin circulating. The outlets catch on quickly, to tight-lipped smiles and half-hearted hugs and all that she has become.
Boa ignores him and falls into the gossips of the people.
Deliver what's expected. No need to skirt around it, when there is no guarantee of it ever working.
She bites back tears at missed phone calls and tells herself it's all for the better. Everything she's done, it's all for the better. For him, for her, for them, it's all always been for the better.
Boa doesn't even know what better is anymore.
"Are you mad?"
This is the third time he's asked and Boa holds in her breath, grips on to this hand tighter and looks up at him with a smile neither of them believe. "No. I'm wonderful, I'm fine. I'm happy, Yunho." She leans in and kisses the corner of his lips and tastes skin and sweat and ashes. "I'm happy."
Yunho sighs. "Whatever you say." He's taken to not caring, but she's taken to not delivering, so Boa supposes it works either way.
They walk the rest of the way home in silence, another date cut short by murmurs by surrounding people, looks of distaste and shaking heads by strangers that have no idea. Boa had pulled him up out of his seat and lead the way away. Far, far away, but it's never far enough.
Once they're inside, Boa drops his hand and rummages for a beer in the refrigerator, melting away bitterness with more bitterness. "You're mad," and this time it's a statement, not a question.
"I'm not mad, I'm preparing."
"Preparing?" He sounds angry. "Preparing for what?"
Boa blinks, once, twice, three times, and the wetness disappears each time she wills it away. "Us. The end, whatever you want to call it."
"And what makes you so sure we're ending?"
"What, you think we're going to last forever?!" Boa yells. "Who do you think started all these breakup rumors in the first place? You know the drill, it's not like you haven't done it before!"
"I don't know why you need to make this whole thing so painful, Boa! Maybe if you enjoyed it while it lasted this wouldn't have to hurt so bad."
Yunho is right in front of her now, his eyes filled with hurt, but she can't bring herself to understand him, because he's wrong, they are wrong, all of it is wrong wrong wrong.
"We're not supposed to enjoy this, Yunho. We're raking in money, not feelings. This isn't a match-making company, this is entertainment, it's all fake, stop acting as if we're forever and always, because we're not."
"Why? Because they don't want it, or because you don't want it?"
She stops, watches as he steps away from her, and the wall crashes down in bits and pieces, angry shards that pierce her as she tries to walk over them. "Yunho, you know that's not what I meant."
"Oh, really? Because that's sure what it sounded like."
Boa takes a step towards him, grabbing on to his hand, relishing in his warmth and falling a little more in love when he doesn't pull away. "I can't… I never said I wanted to end this."
"Then why have you already given up?"
He's looking at her with those broken eyes again, like something could change if they believed enough. "Because there's no point in trying."
The expression on his face falls and then it's gone, all the emotion wiped away by a stoic hardness, and Yunho lets his hand lay limp so Boa no longer has anything to hold on to. "Fine, if that's what you think. I'm leaving. Sulk by yourself, I don't want to be part of your sadistic tragedy."
He steps away and Boa doesn't know who it hurts more, her who can't bring herself to follow or him who can't bring himself stay.
Siwon comes to apartment at the start of month twenty three and she lets him in without question. It's strange, how exes work.
"This is the longest you've been… Set up." Boa doesn't quite like his word choice, but she sets a glass of orange juice in front of him anyways and pretends like it doesn't matter. "How are you holding up?"
"Well, according to the news outlets, we're on the verge of breaking up."
He smiles and he is just as charming as all those years ago. "I have to say I think so too."
Boa furrows her eyebrows and takes a seat next to him on the sofa, curling her legs up towards her and she feels so small and helpless without Yunho on her other side. "I've been thinking about what you said," she finally says.
"What did I say?"
"That this isn't all… A stunt. Not all of it is fake."
Siwon is smiling and she hates how he knows, how he's seen it coming, but she admittedly loves him all the same. "And?"
"I don't think it's all fake, but I'm." Inhale. "Scared." Exhale. "I'm scared, because this isn't going to turn out right, and I don't know when they plan on ending it but I'm afraid it's soon, and," she's tripping over her words now, but she can't stop, not now, "and I want to prepare myself but I don't want to waste these last months, and I'm so scared and confused. It's real, Siwon. I believe you, it's real."
"Let it be real, then. Stop trying to control what you can't and take it as it is."
"But I can't, not when I know the end is coming-"
"But you don't know that, do you?"
Boa opens her mouth again, but the words fail to leave and he's looking at her with a smile so wide it's as if he's going to burst. "I - what?"
"You don't know if the end is coming. We aren't just toys, you know." Siwon stands up, then, juice untouched and smile unfaltering. "I should leave. Enjoy your time, Boa."
He leans over, running a hand through her hair, pushing her bangs away from her face, but she doesn't register anything until he is long gone out the door, out to the demanding public and the expensive cameras for himself to deal with.
It might cause a frenzy, but Boa ignores the consequences because the public never cared much about them anyways. She finally let's herself loose and it's the first time she believes it will stay that way.
She wakes up in the morning to a flurry of texts, congratulations and sentiments that have no meaning until she goes online.
Boa doesn't register the words until her phone rings.
SM announces engagement of TVXQ's leader Yunho and soloist BoA Kwon!
She scrolls down, scanning over words that blur in her vision, stopping only when she reaches the picture at the bottom. Boa recognizes it from a little over two weeks ago, when she had dropped her earring, her hands covering her mouth as he had bent down to search for it. She laughs, tears welling up in her eyes, but her heart is so full and this has to be a dream.
Her phone rings again, and she leans over to see Yunho's face filling the screen, smiling and beautiful and all hers.
All hers.
"So, I hear we're getting married?"
Boa is smiling so wide that she thinks her face might split it into two, but she jumps into his arms anyways, kissing him soundly on the lips and claiming her one and only.
It's been too long.
"I heard, too," she whispers against his lips, running her hands through his hair. Yunho's smiling just as widely as she is and Boa can't think of anything she wanted more, how much this game is no longer a game but real life, her life, all laid out in front of her in the most perfect set up ever.
She's won. She's won, and her prize is right in front of her.
Boa kisses him again, again and again, wraps her arms around his neck and buries her face into her hair, and indulges.
((
he tells her he saw it coming.
it's the end of many.
))
request of the day
sekai
chanyeol/seohyun (plsssss)
seohyun in general
hyunhyun!
um
me