This Time Around: Chapter 3
Title: This Time Around
Author: Tempest
Fandom: Guiding Light/Otalia
Pairing: Olivia/Natalia
Rating: PG-13(At present)
Summary: Starts with the return of Olivia from San Francisco after the spa trip. How will Natalia and Olivia move foward with so many obstacles in their path?
Disclaimers: The characters of Natalia Rivera and Olivia Spencer and other characters of ‘Guiding Light’ are owned by P&G and controlled by Telenext/CBS and no copyright infringement is intended by this modest writing exercise.
Previous Chapters:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
III
Natalia had a feeling that the warmth she was feeling had little to do with the newly lit fire and everything to do with the woman holding her. It was in moments like this that everything made sense; everything was as it should be. In this moment it was hard to imagine why she denied her feelings for so long. This was where she belonged and this was where she needed to be. All the questions about right and wrong faded away as she realized that those concepts have no place in such a moment. All that existed was the bond, the connection that brought and kept them together. Entwined and interlaced, no beginning, no end. In this moment she understood the weight of the word ‘together’ and welcomed all that came with it.
And so in this moment the farmhouse became a magical place and as the clock struck twelve it became their sanctuary. No one else could enter, no one could disturb them. This hour was theirs alone and a part of Natalia wished it would never end.
But of course nothing is that simple. A world existed outside the farmhouse walls and it would demand an explanation for their actions and it would make them suffer consequences for the choices they made. Those consequences danced in a ritualistic circle around the house, casting shadow puppets through the windows onto the walls, threatening to invade their sanctuary at any minute.
Natalia was driven out of her maudlin reflections by the gentle caress of Olivia’s fingers combing through her hair.
Olivia nuzzled the top of Natalia’s head placing a gentle kiss there before questioning, “So, are you ready to tell me about your run in with the Cooper patriarch?”
Natalia squeezed her eyes shut as if to freeze time and avoid reliving that uncomfortable moment. She sighed, nodded her head and pulled away from their embrace to sit upright. She brushed her bangs to the side and replied, “I shouldn’t have made such a big deal out of it. It was bound to happen and it just caught me by surprise.”
“Well, did he say anything…” Olivia paused trying to find the right word. “…inappropriate?”
Natalia scrunched her head in confusion and then her eyes widened in understanding.
“Oh gosh, no. No. He just, he just said what he needed to say…I deserved it, considering.”
“Natalia, why don’t you leave the self-flogging for later and start with how it happened.”
Natalia smirked at the ‘self-flogging’ comment and swatted Olivia’s knee for her cavalier comment.
“I ran into him at the market. I was picking up baking supplies and he was there and I told him how sorry I was about everything.”
“And he didn’t want to hear it?”
“Well, I guess he felt that ‘I’m sorry’ wasn’t really going to cover it.”
Olivia hung her head in understanding. “Okay. I get that.”
Natalia drew back with confusion. “You do?”
Olivia looked at the furrowed brow and eyes filled with consternation staring back at her and took a breath before continuing. “Yeah, I mean, the woman he thought was about to be his daughter-in-law tells him that she’s sorry she left his son at the altar, but she’s in love with her maid of honor…” She stopped mid-sentence as she noticed Natalia’s face transform from a stern to solemn. Natalia averted her eyes and started to pull on a piece of fabric from the couch cushion.
Olivia smirked once she discerned the reason for the change. “You didn’t tell him about us.” She pushed off the couch and walked over to the mantle, resting her forearm on its edge and pinched the bridge of her nose. She felt it, the weight shifting to her again.
Natalia’s gaze followed Olivia as she walked away. She could see Olivia start to shut down and she immediately replied before she lost her completely.
“Wait. Don’t do that, okay? ”
“Don’t do what, Natalia.”
“Don’t mentally check out on me because you think this means something more than it does.”
Olivia laughed at her response. “Check out? Natalia, I’m not checking out. I’m just trying to figure out how big of a bull dozer I’m going to need to plow through this same damn wall that keeps popping up on us.”
“Please don’t make jokes.”
“Well, I’m sorry, but I have to because if I don’t I’ll start to cry and frankly I’m too damn tired to start up the waterworks.”
Natalia walked over to Olivia and waited for her to make eye contact before she replied.
“Look, I know that it seems like I’m avoiding the inevitable, but honestly, Olivia, it’s not that. I was just caught off-guard. One minute I’m walking down the grocery aisle, thinking about making cookies and then I’m remembering how you said you would be out there thinking about me and Emma making cookies, wishing you were with us and that made me realize about how much I missed you already…suddenly I had this big grin on my face because I realized how nice it was to just be able to admit to myself how much I missed you and not be scared by what that means. It felt so good that I practically had to stop myself from skipping down the aisle.”
Olivia laughed at that image and smiled in return. She knew the feeling. If there was one word she never thought would aptly describe her it was ‘giddy.’ And yet, these days that adjective was popping up more and more in her internal monologues. But really there was no other word for it. The short time that she was away she found herself getting lost in her thoughts: ‘Natalia would love this…Natalia would love that…If Natalia were here she would say this.’ No, she was no stranger to the feeling. It was absurd really. Just over a year ago she was pulling out every manipulative trick in the book to steal Natalia’s husband and now she was day dreaming about baking cookies with her. Cookies for Pete’s sake!
Olivia looked into Natalia’s expectant eyes and replied, “Skipping, huh.”
Natalia’s cheeks flushed. “Yeah. Until-”
Olivia interjected, “Until you hit a big ol’ Greek stone wall named Buzz Cooper.”
“Pretty much. He wasn’t mean or anything. He was just hurt and disappointed and I couldn’t do anything to make it better.” Natalia felt a tear form and she tried to swipe it with her index finger before she fell.
Olivia picked up on the action and cupped Natalia’s cheek, rubbing the soft skin with her thumb. Natalia’s eyes brightened at the comforting touch and she smiled with dimples bursting on both cheeks. Olivia gave half a grin in return, taking a moment to realize that those dimples may just be the death of her.
She moved her hand away from Natalia’s face, reached down to take her hand to lead them back to the couch and sat down.
“I’m sorry, Olivia. I really wasn’t trying to avoid anything. I just-”
Olivia finished for her. “You weren’t prepared. I get it.”
Natalia eyed her suspiciously, trying to determine if Olivia was being honest or just placating her.
Olivia noticed the questioning stare and continued, “Honestly! I probably wouldn’t have been ready for a showdown in the baking aisle either. The timing wasn’t right. Besides, he should probably hear it from Frank first.”
Natalia nodded in agreement. “And as if that wasn’t enough for one day, I got a visit from Doris Wolf as a cherry on top.”
Olivia’s eyes widened in surprise. “Doris?”
“Yup, our friendly neighborhood mayor.”
“Was she conducting a poll or something? Question one, ‘How many visits from your mayor does it take before you officially consider it a public nuisance?”
Natalia laughed, “I don’t know. Maybe she smelled me baking cookies?”
Olivia’s jaw dropped and she feigned a look of panic. She grabbed the lapel of Natalia’s blazer and pulled her close. “You didn’t give her any of my cookies did you?”
Natalia chuckled and swatted away Olivia’s hands. “Of course not. I am a ‘one person only’ kind of cookie maker, missy.”
Olivia smiled and straightened out the lapels she ruffled. “Well good, because that is a deal breaker.”
“Oh, really?
“Yes, ma’am. I can take a lot of things, but cookie swapping? There’s just no coming back from that.”
“Well, not to worry, I defended the honor of your cookies. But that didn’t stop her from prepping me on the finer points of ‘coming out.’”
Olivia sniggered at that concept. “Coming out? Oh, please. Look, I know she means well, but that woman is projecting so much she is going to need an IMAX screen just to capture all of it.”
Natalia laughed and then cleared her throat before she continued.
“Besides her friendly tips, Doris actually brought me some really good news.”
Olivia raised her eyebrow at statement. “Really? Do tell.”
“She said that she is petitioning for a new hearing for Rafe.”
“What?” Olivia exclaimed.
“Yeah, I know. Can you believe it?”
“Wow, this is amazing!”
“I know! I know...”
Olivia noticed the change in the tone of Natalia’s voice. She nudged Natalia and questioned.
“Okay you just told me Rafe may be coming home soon so what’s with the pools of woe swirling in your eyes?”
“Nothing. It’s just the ‘may’ part that I’m struggling with.”
“You have a problem with him coming home in May? Do you have trip planned or something that I don’t know about?”
Natalia shook her head in confusion. “What? No, Olivia, ‘may’ as in he ‘may’ or ‘may not’ come home. I just don’t want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed.”
“Oh. Well, I think this time you should just let yourself be excited. I mean, he has the mayor on his side, and Frank, and I can talk to Jeffrey to see if he’ll testify on his behalf.”
“Really?”
“Of course. I know Jeffrey doesn’t hold any animosity towards him. He knows Rafe was just a kid who lost his father and was looking for someone to blame. Things just went bad.”
“Thank you so much.”
“Please, that’s nothing. So what’s the real reason for Doris’s random act of kindness?” Olivia reached for her cup of coffee and took a sip.
Natalia hesitated, then answered. “Frank.”
Olivia almost choked on her coffee upon hearing his name. She put the coffee back on the table and wiped her mouth of any leaked remnants. Shifting her weight from side to side, trying to mask her discomfort, she questioned, “Frank?”
“Yeah. Apparently she owed him a favor since he kept quiet and didn’t press charges for the whole bodyguard debacle.”
“Wow, so he cashed in a ‘get out of jail free’ card for Rafe, for you.”
“I know. Even after everything…”
Both Olivia and Natalia thought about the implication of that, of what it meant about Frank. But Olivia broke the silence before they could allow themselves to relive the guilt. “He did it because Frank knows Rafe deserves another chance and you deserve to have your son back.”
Natalia smiled and replied, “I get my baby back…” Her voice trailed off as she contemplated another implication of his homecoming. “I know he’s going to have a hard time with this, with us.”
“Well, that’s to be expected, right? I mean, we didn’t exactly have an easy time with it either as I recall.” Olivia smiled and nudged her. Natalia answered with a nudge of her own, but then nodded her head in agreement.
Olivia continued, “But we have to tell him and Emma, too. We can’t really be a family together until we do.”
“So, Rafe first?”
Olivia agreed, “I think it makes the most sense. Don’t you?”
“Yeah. It does.”
With that being agreed upon, Natalia started thinking about all the variables at work, all the things to consider from just going to the market to buy cookie supplies, and it exhausted her. She forcefully blew out her breath and threw herself back against the couch and crossed her arms over her chest. Olivia looked over in amusement. Natalia looked like a frustrated kid who was just told she couldn’t have any dessert without finishing her vegetables.
She questioned, “Do you want to elaborate on that dramatic sigh?”
Natalia smirked and uncrossed her arms, “I just didn’t expect this.”
“Didn’t expect this? Natalia we knew going into this what the consequences-”
Natalia cut her off before she could finish. “No, that’s not what I meant. It’s just that…” Trying to gather her words she looked over at Olivia and noticed the anxiety building in her eyes. She needed to give her an answer before she started to shut down completely. “I never expected to feel this much, Olivia. I never knew I could. Even before…” She left that sentence hanging in the ether out of respect. “I’ve never felt like this before. Now that I’m not denying my feelings or trying to push them down, I can feel this for what it really is. And it’s good, Olivia. It’s so good and I have no doubts about that now. These feelings…especially since we came back from the trip…it’s like a well has sprung inside me and it’s overflowing. I’ll be in the middle of doing something and then you’ll pop in my head and I’ll feel my heart skip and after that I become completely useless because I can’t stop thinking about when I get to see you next. It’s just so crazy and silly and wonderful and I’m so grateful to have this with you. So, so grateful.”
Olivia was overwhelmed. She had braced herself for a hit from Natalia’s insecurity and instead she was just undone by the most honest declaration of love she had ever heard. And Natalia had said that to her; she meant it for her. She closed her eyes trying to fight back the tears but they couldn’t be helped. When she felt the tender touch of Natalia’s hand wipe away her tears she opened them again.
Natalia continued, “I feel so much and I don’t want to hold it in. But then I run into someone like a Buzz or a Blake and I just get so torn up inside because I’m reminded of the people I’ve hurt and the others who will be hurt…because of me. It’s so hard trying to keep these different feelings inside at the same time. This amazing love and happiness I feel with you and the disappointment and shame I feel with everyone else.”
Olivia shook her head in understanding. “I’m right there with you. But I guess I just have it a little different because anyone who knows me wouldn’t exactly use the word ‘disappointed’ to describe how they feel about my part in this.”
“What word would they use?”
“Typical.” Natalia looked at her in confusion. “Come on. You heard Frank that day in the hospital. It’s what I do, mess with peoples’ minds. I take what I need and toss the rest aside. So yeah, they would probably just say ‘typical.’ Typical Olivia going after something she doesn’t deserve and not caring who gets hurt because of it.” Olivia looked away from Natalia, not able to hold her gaze after that admission.
Natalia immediately reached out to Olivia and guided her gaze to meet her own. “Hey, don’t look away. You don’t have to hide. Not here, not with me. You forget that I saw that side of you too. I’ve seen you at your worst and you’ve seen me at my weakest. There is isn’t a part of you I don’t know and there isn’t a part of you I don’t love. That same part of you that pushes yourself to get what you want, no matter what the cost, the part that some people might point to as a reason to turn away…it’s that same part of you that pushed me to be better than I was. I think that’s what makes this so special. By seeing each other at our lowest, and facing each other head on instead of turning away, it gave us the strength let go of those parts of ourselves that were holding us back to become something better; something gentler and yet stronger, if that makes any sense.
Olivia smiled through her tears and shook her head to assure her it most certainly made sense.
Natalia continued, “I’m not glossing over anything for the sake of convenience. I know what you’re capable of. I know you can be harsh when you want to, but I also know that the truth of you is kind and generous. When I say I love you, I don’t say it in spite of those things, I say it because of them, all them.”
Olivia, certain that any words she tried to offer in gratitude for Natalia’s declaration would fall flat in comparison, threw her arms around the smaller woman in hope that the intensity of her embrace would suffice. Natalia melted into the hold. She didn’t need Olivia say anything in return, she knew it already. She felt it.
Natalia pulled back from the embrace and asked, “Sooooo, do I need to get chastised by someone every day so I have an excuse to cuddle with you or do I have an open invitation?"
Olivia smiled and replied, "Anytime, anyplace princess."
Natalia took her up on her offer and wrapped herself around Olivia as before, her head resting between her shoulder and chin, her arm draped around her waist. She closed her eyes and breathed in Olivia’s scent, allowing herself to sink into the moment completely. Olivia stroked her hair and it produced a hypnotic effect causing her inhibition to weaken. Her hand began move against the shirt fabric covering Olivia’s waist and her thumb started to trace circles. Natalia felt herself falling deeper into the trance and she began nuzzle against the soft skin of Olivia’s neck. But she was pulled out of her stupor by the sensation of Olivia’s rapid pulse against her cheek.
Natalia jerked her body away from Olivia’s and exclaimed, “Your pulse!”
Immediately the images of Olivia passed out on the ground in front of Company flashed before her eyes. Her questions came out at a frantic pace. “Olivia? Is there something wrong with your heart? Did something happen while you were away?”
Olivia got up and moved to the other side of the room. She hoped that the space between them would enable her to compose herself. But she felt naked and exposed and considering she was fully clothed she didn’t like what the occurrence of those feelings portended.
“No. Nothing’s wrong and nothing happened”
“But I felt…oh my God!”
“Stop, that’s not it”
Olivia could feel it. Her layers being pulled away with each of Natalia’s words.
“Then why was your-”
“Because it's what you do to me!” Olivia exclaimed. And there it was. The final veil was lifted and there was nowhere left to hide.
“What?” Natalia questioned. Then her eyes widened with understanding and she started to blush as the implication of Olivia’s words set in.
“Oh!”
“Sometimes Natalia…” Olivia shook her head in amazement at the innocence of the woman she loved.
Natalia’s face changed from one of confusion to concern once the gravity of the moment set in. “I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize what I was doing.”
Olivia put her hand in the air to rebuff Natalia’s words. “Trust me, an apology is not necessary.”
“Then why do you still look panicked?”
Olivia felt a chill run through her at the word ‘panicked.’ Was it that obvious? She hung her head, swallowed what was left of her pride and confessed.
“This used to be me at my most confident, Natalia. This part. I knew what to say, how to say it and what to do at just the right moment. That was me.”
“And?”
“I don’t know. I never felt…this. It’s different.”
“You mean because I’m a woman?”
“No. I mean, yeah, that’s new and different, but that’s not it, not really. You didn’t really know me before Gus, but I’m sure you were told by plenty of people in this town all about the real Olivia Spencer. And it’s all true. I used men like tissues and then wadded them up and threw them in the trash when I was done. And I liked it, Natalia. I liked it a lot. I don’t know what I liked more, the actual sex or the power it gave me over them.”
“And now?” Natalia questioned, hoping to usher Olivia past any unnecessary details about her sex life with the men of Springfield. Not that she was uncomfortable with Olivia’s sexuality, but more that she was uncomfortable imagining that there were these men who were physically intimate with her, but never really bothered to touch beyond what was skin deep. It bothered her to know that.
Olivia laughed through her tears and continued. “Now? Now, my heart is jumping through my chest because being remotely close to you turns me into a bumbling awkward teenager who can’t handle the slightest touch from you without her nerves going haywire.”
“Welcome to my world.” Natalia smiled and shrugged her shoulders.
“I swear to God, I don’t know who I am anymore.” Olivia covered her face with her hands and shook her head.
Natalia took a moment to really look at Olivia and that’s when she saw it. Olivia was scared. Although the other woman was trying to play it off, Natalia could see it in her posture and her labored breathing. Despite everything they had been through together and everything she witnessed after the heart transplant, Natalia was certain she had never seen Olivia this raw and vulnerable. With Olivia stripped of all her armor, Natalia looked at her as if she was seeing Olivia for the first time and she was overcome.
Suddenly, a sensation of warmth washed over Natalia and she was invigorated by a feeling of power and strength building within her. Her feet moved of their own will and she made her way over to the woman who looked as if she was trying to steel herself from this new feeling of insecurity.
Standing in front of her, Natalia reached out, uncrossed Olivia’s arms and replied, “I told you, you’re the woman I love.” Then she guided Olivia’s left hand to her neck so that her fingers were pressing against her pulse.
“Do you feel this?”
Olivia felt the wild pulse beneath fingertips and looked into Natalia’s eyes, becoming undone by the certainty she saw there. A flicker of light from the dying fire caused a shadow to pass over Natalia’s face, interrupting their mutual gaze. When the light returned to highlight Natalia’s features, Olivia was completely overwhelmed and stunned by the look of desire staring back at her.
With her voice barely a whisper, Natalia questioned Olivia again.
“Do you?”
Olivia nodded, unable to find her voice to speak.
Natalia continued, “It’s what you…do to me.”
Natalia cupped Olivia's cheek and urged her body upward, her eyes focused on the lips before her. When their lips were a hair’s breadth apart, she quickly looked up into Olivia’s eyes and then closed her own as she leaned forward and pressed her lips to Olivia’s. Immediately, her senses were unraveled by the softness she felt and she moved closer.
Olivia felt her body awaken from the bolts of lightning shooting from her heart as her mind finally registered the feeling of Natalia’s lips on her own. Her instincts screamed with a thunderous roar and her desire burned through her veins like wildfire. Her right hand instantly pulled Natalia close while her left hand cupped the back of Natalia’s head and guided their mouths together again with urgency.
Losing all sense of voluntary action, Natalia’s body began to act of its own volition. Her hands tangled themselves in Olivia’s hair, alternating between pulling and caressing the silky strands. Her jaw dropped and she gasped a quick breath only to be overcome again by the crashing of Olivia’s mouth against her own. The feeling of the softest lips she’d ever known sent a jolt from her heart straight to her center. Of its own accord, her tongue slipped past her lips and grazed against Olivia’s bottom lip, silently requesting permission to pass through.
The feel of Natalia’s tongue dancing at the gates of her mouth caused Olivia to automatically drop her jaw and inhale. The questing tongue entered without resistance and collided with her own. Their lips devoured one another, pushing and pulling, alternating between fierce and gentle caresses. They became lost in the moment, in the fulfillment of a silent desire that had existed within each of them for far too long.
As they felt the passion begin to overwhelm their senses, both women slowly pulled back from one another. Their breathing was labored and heavy as they tried to regain control of their impulses. They rested their foreheads together, neither of them willing to allow for much distance to separate them.
Finally , they opened their eyes and met each other’s gaze. Natalia smiled and felt her eyes well with tears. She cupped Olivia’s cheek and ran her thumb over her bottom lip.
Natalia inhaled deeply and said, “I knew they’d be soft.”
TBC…