This Time Around: Chapter 1
Title: This Time Around
Author: Tempest
Fandom: Guiding Light/Otalia
Pairing: Olivia/Natalia
Rating: PG (At present)
Summary: Starts with the return of Olivia from San Francisco after the spa trip. How will Natalia and Olivia move foward with so many obstacles in their path?
Disclaimers: The characters of Natalia Rivera and Olivia Spencer and other characters of ‘Guiding Light’ are owned by P&G and controlled by Telenext/CBS and no copyright infringement is intended by this modest writing exercise.
********************************************************************************
"Hi Olivia, it's me. Please call me back. It's not an emergency or anything. Everything’s fine, Emma’s doing great. Umm…I just… I know what we said at the spa and everything...but it's really kind of hard here without you. So I guess I just…I really want you to come home."
Those words had been bobbing up and down in marshes of Olivia’s mind for the entire trip back from San Francisco. She was concerned by the tone of Natalia’s voice. It was evident in the tremor and the rush of those last words that something had shaken her.
“It’s really kind of hard here…”
The fear in her voice, it sounded like it had a grasp around her throat and it was slowly tightening its grip. Or maybe she was just projecting that because she knew the feeling all too well herself. But if she was being honest it was Natalia’s fear that worried her the most. Throughout the evolution of their relationship the one thing that Olivia became fascinated with was the innate reciprocity of it, the give and take, yin and yang,. It was such a wonderful balance and it made her feel whole and complete in a way she never knew before.
Of course she fought it at first. But throw in a weak heart and even the most stalwart of people will cry ‘uncle’ when they feel that rapid constriction and expansion in their chest. Natalia, for reasons Olivia would never understand, became her keystone, the one person she let in to help her remove her armor and let her wounds breathe. And she was there, every time. Even when Olivia’s persistent pride wouldn’t allow her to be gracious about it, Natalia was still there. Then something changed and Olivia found herself asking more of her not because she needed Natalia, but because she believed she was capable of something more. Somehow it stopped just being about Olivia’s heart and it became a partnership in the truest sense of the word. And so they pushed each other to be more, to be better and stronger. Together they kicked and fought against the daily deluge of tribulations, so much so that it felt as though they had created a tide of their own that lifted them both to a higher place where nothing could touch them as long as they stood together. That’s how it was.
But ever since they made their admissions, ever since they decided to cross over the line from friendship to something more their balance was off. Suddenly the burden of bearing the weight of their situation started to shift more and more to Olivia and she feared that she was not strong enough to carry the weight of it all on her own. She was the one who had to ask the tough questions, she was the one who had to usher them along before they got stuck in state of platonic purgatory. But most of all she was the one who had to see Natalia’s look of discomfort when started those tough conversations and she was the one who had feel like a drug pusher in a school yard when all she wanted was to tell the woman she loved how beautiful she is without getting a look of panic in return.
This was different, so very different than any experience with a man. With men everything was so easy. Their needs were simple and Olivia knew she had what they needed in spades. There was a very simple cause and effect relationship between her and the male species. She caused their knees to go weak and that effectively gave her all the power and control to say and do whatever she wanted with them. But that wasn’t the case now. Every trick, every game plan, every instinct was useless, because it meant nothing to one person who meant everything to her.
Olivia didn’t see this coming and she was scared. Because what could be more scary than finding the one thing you wanted most in this world only to realize that you might not be good enough for it.
And so a question remains. Who is Olivia Spencer?
Shaking her head out of her revelry she directed the driver to stop the car in front of Towers. Hesitantly she opened the car door and stepped out into the cool spring night air. Maybe she doesn’t know who she is now, but she knew who she was then and her old self would have strutted into Towers right about now and numbed herself with a few cocktails instead of being plagued with introspective thoughts that accomplished nothing.
She was drawn out of her thoughts by the sound of the driver’s door opening.
“Shall I get your bags Ms. Spencer?”
Olivia paused.
No, she may be confused about so many things, but she knew enough to know she wasn’t that woman anymore. And so she turned to respond to the driver’s query, but before she could another voice jumped into the mix.
“Already back to jet-setting and life in the fast lane, Olivia? That didn’t take too long did it?”
A familiar figure came out of the shadows and into the light of the street lamps. His face was still marred from his previous bout, his eyes still filled with anger and regret.
“Frank?” The tone of her voice made evident her apprehension. She looked to the driver, who was eyeing Frank suspiciously, and turned to him to say,
“I’ll just be moment and then we can go.”
He nodded his head in understanding and stepped back into the driver’s seat and closed the door.
“So what happened? Did you get bored? Did playing house with Natalia lose its charm once all the competition was out of the way?”
“Frank, please I’m so sorry, but I think it would be best if we did this some other time.” She turned to get back into the car, but was halted by Frank’s harsh tone.
“Well, good thing for me I don’t really give a damn about what you think anymore.”
He started to move closer, close enough for her to smell the liquor on his breath and even though this was ‘Frankie Cooper’ her instincts kicked in and she started to look for easy exits.
He stopped about a foot in front of her and trapped her in his stare.
“You may have fooled Natalia because she’s too good and innocent to see through your games, but you don’t fool me Olivia. I know who are, I’ve got the scars to prove it.”
He place both his hands on the roof of the car on each side of Olivia, leaned into her right ear, and spoke in a deep tone that was both pained and righteous.
“But I promise you the day will come when the wolf in sheep’s clothing will be revealed and Natalia will run as far from you as she can.”
Olivia closed her eyes at those words as if by doing so it would steel her mind from their truth. She felt him slowly pull back from her and she opened her eyes only to feel the warmth of her fresh tears on her cheeks.
“You’re a predator Olivia, through and through, and nothing is safe once you set your sights on it.” And with those words Frank Cooper walked off into the night.
Moments passed and she did not move. Stunned, like a drugged animal, her feet remained planted firmly to the ground. This was the second time it happened. The second time she was on the receiving end of a verbal lashing from Frank Cooper and she just stood there like a whipping post. She didn’t even put up a fight.
‘Who are you, Olivia Spencer?’
********************************************************************************
Pulling up to the farm house Olivia felt an odd mixture of both elation and trepidation and the cognitive dissonance caused by those conflicting feelings was starting to set in. She exited the car and the driver took out her luggage and set it on the porch. She extended her hand to offer a tip and watched as the car’s taillights faded as he drove away.
Olivia stood on the porch in silence, waiting for an impulse to initiate her motor functions. But then the sudden burst of light from the porch light brought her out of her stupor and made visible the sight of a petite brunette making her way through the doorway with a happy but hesitant look on her face. The woman opened the screen door and held it open with her right hand while she leaned her body against the side making room for Olivia to enter on her left. Natalia broke of the silence.
“Hey you.”
Olivia stayed motionless, taking the time to let the feeling of the moment set in, the feeling of coming home. The feeling of coming home to someone who was waiting patiently in her living room, looking out for the light from a car’s headlights as it pulled into the driveway to signal to her that Olivia had come home. The thought put a smile on her face and it didn’t go unnoticed as Natalia quickly reciprocated.
Olivia replied, “Hey yourself.”
Natalia broke her gaze and started to focus on the suddenly fascinating contraption on her fleece called a zipper. That seemed to be happening a lot lately whenever she was alone with Olivia; a sudden fascination with innocuous things like the little pieces of plastic at the ends of shoelaces and fringes on a sweater. Then she turned her attention back to Olivia and after getting a good look at her in the porch light Natalia commented, “You look tired.”
Olivia smiled, “Isn’t ‘you look tired’ just a euphemism for ‘you look terrible’?”
“Only if you don’t care enough about the person to realize that generally if someone looks terrible it’s usually because they’re tired…for one reason or another”
“So that’s a yes to the ‘terrible’ then?
“It’s a no and it’s me asking you to get inside so I can make you some coffee so you can relax.”
Olivia sighed in defeat but still she didn’t move.
“Why don’t you bring it out here? We can finally enjoy the porch without having to wrap ourselves in fifty layers of down.” Olivia made her way over the porch bench and sat down and sighed. If Natalia were a betting woman she would have said that it sounded more like a sigh of frustration than of exhaustion, but she wasn’t going to push the issue. Instead she was going to make the coffee that she promised. But as she turned to go inside she noticed out of the corner of her eye Olivia drop her head into hands and cover her face. Something wasn’t right.
Natalia made her way over to her side and she kneeled down so that she was looking up at Olivia who was now sitting upright with her hands at her sides. She placed her hand on Olivia’s upper arm, rubbing it up and down in an effort to offer some comfort.
“Hey, what’s wrong?
Olivia immediately raised her head and subtly shrugged off Natalia’s hand as she got up from the bench to put some space between them. She walked to the other side of the porch and ran her fingers through her hair.
“Nothing. It’s nothing.”
Natalia huffed at her attempted to convince her otherwise, “It’s not nothing…it’s definitely something.”
Olivia put her hands in her pockets and balled them into fists. This wasn’t what she wanted, but she was tired and didn’t have the energy for pretense. “Okay it’s something. Something I don’t feel like talking about so why don’t we just change the subject and talk about something else.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know Natalia, how about the abnormally high pollen count this spring or this swine flu outbreak…those are nice sterile topics that won’t topple this house of cards we’ve built for ourselves.” And with those words she winced, knowing now full well why she had originally planned to wait to see Natalia until the morning.
“House of cards?” Natalia’s voice was childlike and her doe eyes took on the look of a wounded animal. She looked at Olivia, wondering how this home they created was now a ‘house of cards.’
Olivia felt her stare and did her best to deflect. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Are you drunk?”
Olivia laughed at the incredulousness of that question. “Am I drunk? Um, are you high? Where did that question come from?”
“From the way you’re speaking to me? I’m hoping that there’s some explanation for it other than you wanting to hurt me.”
“I’m not trying to hurt you. All I asked was if we could change the subject and to be honest I didn’t really think you would have a problem with it since ‘duck and parry’ is one of your signature moves.’
Natalia hung her head in disappointment. “Okay, well that answers one question. Now I know you’re trying to hurt me.”
Olivia turned away to look out on to the front yard. Images flooded her mind of a snowman being built and a snowball fight with Emma and Natalia who and pummeled her with packed snow. The memories were every where she looked.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry…I’m just, I’m just tired and don’t want to talk right now.”
“Well that’s not good enough.”
Olivia turned on her heels upon hearing those words. Natalia stood in front of her with arms crossed in front of her chest and her right leg leading out in front of her left. Olivia laughed on the inside. She envisioned herself two years ago and what she would have said then. But she pulled back just enough to get out a more generic response.
“Excuse me?”
Natalia stood her ground, even though she could see the old Olivia start to take shape in the green eyes she stared into. “That’s not good enough. What affects you affects me, it affects our family. You can’t run and hide when you feel like it. We have to be honest wi-“
Olivia cut her off before she could finish, “Run and hide?”
“Yes.”
And she felt it, the blood surging in her veins and the words came out without consideration “Run and Hide! Now you’re telling me that I can’t ‘run and hide’. All I do now is hide, Natalia, and trust me, I don’t do it for me. And….” She cut herself off before she went too far.
“And what? Olivia, we said we weren’t going to do this anymore, we weren’t going to fight just because it’s safer.”
Olivia squatted to the ground and pinched the bridge of her nose while trying to maintain a sense of calm that was against all her instincts at the moment. “I’m not fighting with you.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, Natalia, I’m not.”
Natalia made her way over to Olivia and stood right in front of her. “Then what is this?”
Olivia looked up at Natalia and stood up to match her stare. “This,” and she motioned with her hands to herself, “is a very tired person who just wants to-”
“Who wants to hide instead of talk!” Natalia interjected.
“You don’t get it Natalia, I’m not hiding. I’m fading away!” Olivia’s voice cracked and she felt all composure slip from her grasp. The emotion welled up in her chest and her chin began to quiver as she tried hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.
Natalia moved closer and reached out, “Olivia?”
But Olivia avoided her embrace. “Don’t.”
Natalia drew back her arms and covered her mouth with her hand. She shook her head in confusion trying to understand what had happened since the last time they saw each other to make Olivia act this way. “You’re scaring me.”
Olivia avoided eye contact with Natalia, kicking her feet against the porch fence post as she mumbled under her breath. “Join the club.”
Then she turned around and saw the hurt in Natalia’s eyes. The brunette was rubbing the back of her neck with hand, a nervous tick that Olivia had picked up on a while ago. She saw her eyes start well with tears and the sight pulled on her battered heart too much for her to hold on to her reticence.
“I saw Frank, on my way back tonight”
Natalia’s eyes immediately connected with hers. “You saw Frank? That’s where this is coming from? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry if he hurt you?”
“That’s not your fault.”
“Yes it is. If I had been honest with myself, with you, with him…but I wasn’t and now so many people are hurting. Especially the one I care about most.” Natalia raised her hand and wiped away the tears freely flowing down Olivia’s face.
Olivia closed her eyes tight trying not to take comfort in her gesture and shrugged her head away from the small, gentle hand cupping her check.
“Please, stop.”
She moved to edge of the porch and stared out into the darkness. She shook her head and berated herself for coming to the farmhouse. She felt Natalia move behind her.
“Olivia, please…What did he say?”
“Nothing I didn’t deserve.”
“Please don’t say things like that.”
“Like what?”
“Things that sound like you’re giving up. He doesn’t know you. He doesn’t know us.”
Olivia turned and stared down at the smaller woman. “And you do? Who are we, Natalia? Hmm? Who are we, what are we?”
“We’re together, we’re real.”
“You know what? I’m gonna need a magnifying glass for that statement because it’s a bit too vague and fuzzy for me to make it out on my own.”
“So is this who you are then? Someone who mocks the person who-“
"The ‘person’ who what, Natalia?"
Natalia raised her arms in frustration and smacked them down on the sides of her thighs “Why are you pushing this? We said we were going to figure it out, that we would work it out.”
“God! You won’t even say the words…Not that I can blame you really. I don’t think there is even a word for what we are. Partner, girlfriend, lover? No, definitely not that last one.”
“Is that what this is really about? This is about…about se-”
Natalia stumbled over the word and Olivia finished it for her. “Sex? You can say it; it won’t rot your teeth. And no, actually, that’s not what this is about.”
Natalia stepped back and took a moment to really look at the woman in front of her. She saw Olivia’s craven, unsteady stance and it told her everything. She was hurting, her best friend was hurting. So she moved in slowly and lowered her head to catch the eye of the woman who was burning a hole in the porch with her stare. Softly she placed her hand under Olivia’s chin gently lifting it to her line of sight. Looking her in the eye she pleaded. “Tell me please, what is this about? Olivia, we made a promise. We promised we’d always be friends and friends don’t do this to each other. Talk to me. Please.”
Olivia whimpered “I don’t know how.”
Natalia smiled through her own tears and said “The beginning is always a good place to start.”
Olivia smiled and felt her body start to relax and phase out of its ‘fight or flight’ mode. Natalia noticed the change and took her by the hand back to the porch bench. Holding on to her hand she sat down, guiding the other woman down with her.
Olivia looked down at their hands intertwined and started. “When I told you I loved you do you remember what I said about why I didn’t want to tell you?”
Natalia nodded her head in confirmation. “Because you were afraid of what your love might do to me, how it would ask me to change.”
“And that’s what made me push you to Frank. But I never really got to thinking past that, I never really thought about how your love would change me, not like this” Olivia took a deep and a moment to call up the memory that had started this all. She continued, “When we were away together I woke up in the middle of the night. I got up to get some water and when I looked over at you I felt my heart stop. The moonlight was coming in through the window and there you were bathed in it and Emma was sleeping like a little angel right next to you and I realized something in that moment.”
“What?”
“That if some harbinger of fate or fairy godmother tapped me on the shoulder and told me she could guarantee that I could spend the rest of my life with you, but it would never be more than what we are now, I’d sign on the dotted line in a minute. I wouldn’t give it a second thought. I’d live a life of half truths and hidden moments if it meant I could be with you. And that scares the hell out of me Natalia, because that’s not who I am. I don’t live in the shadows.”
Natalia cupped Olivia’s face with her right hand forcing the other woman to look her at as she spoke. “Is that what you think I want for us?
Olivia shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. “I don’t know…I don’t know. How can I when every time I bring up the subject you look like a deer caught in headlights. And so I do a little side shuffle to disengage because I’m so afraid of making you feel uncomfortable. So much so that I feel like all I do these days is dodge land mines. It’s taking all the strength I have to not to make a wrong move and I don’t know how long I can keep this up.
I worked my whole life to become a person who wouldn’t let anyone else control me with fear. That’s what I know. When someone thinks they can put me under their thumb out of fear or shame, I show them what the phrase ‘fuck you’ really means.”
“And now?”
“And now…I don’t know. When Frank started in on me…I didn’t even put up a fight, I just let him tear me to shreds and I felt so small. I’m so scared that I’m losing myself, so scared that all these parts of me that defined me are starting to fade away and I don’t know how to hold on because if I do then I’m going to lose you instead and the idea of losing you scares me more than anything.”
“I’m so sorry, Olivia. I never wanted to-”
“Don’t. You don’t owe me an apology.”
“I do. I do, because I’ve taken advantage of you, of who you are.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I am scared too. I’m scared of what I feel when I’m with you. Before, everything was so simple. I just loved being with you and with Emma. I loved this family we created. And that was as much as I could admit and for a while it was enough. And then one day, the day that the beeper for your pacemaker went wonky something happened. Things stopped being simple and became very complicated.”
“Because?”
“Because you were lying there and you were so peaceful, so vulnerable…so beautiful and suddenly it wasn’t just about us being a family and having a home and a routine that felt safe and familiar…It was about a woman who is so beautiful in all the ways that matter and all the ways that don’t and how if I could just kiss her…kiss you…” Natalia paused and let the moment wash over her. “…and I almost did. I never felt that before, a need like that. To need something, to want it so much that everything else just melts away. When I’m near you, when we’re alone, and everything else is quiet that feeling comes back so strong and I know in those moments that I would give up all that I am just to be with you…but I’m so scared because what if that means giving up parts of myself that have been the source of all my strength., what if it means that this ‘need’ will be the end of everything I’ve ever known and needed before.”
Olivia squeezed their clasped hands seeing for the first time that their fears were same. They were both mourning for the parts they had to let go so they could move ahead, together.
Natalia continued, “So I tried to keep us where it’s safe, less complicated. And in doing so I took advantage of you because I know how much you love me and I know that your love is patient and kind and I used it to avoid that unsafe feeling and I’m so sorry because it almost robbed you of who you are.”
“And who am I, Natalia?”
Natalia looked at their hands. She ran her thumb over the soft skin covering the top of Olivia’s hand, appreciating the contrast between the softness of its exterior and the strength that resided within it.
“You’re the woman I love and she doesn’t live in the shadows.” Natalia stood up and extended her hand to Olivia. “Please come inside.”
Olivia acquiesced, still knowing that more needed to be said, but content that for now it was enough. She bent down to pick up her bag only to have it snatched from her grasp by the smaller woman’s hand. Their eyes met and Natalia smiled and said,
“It’s okay. Let me take it from here.”
To be continued.