Comments | teethlikedog: keep on whispering their mantras

teethlikedog

keep on whispering their mantras

Jan 25, 2007 22:15

I need help. I wrote this thing and there's something I really don't like about it. I don't know if it's the layout, or the pacing, or the ending, or a combination of all these things plus more, but something is really bugging me about this. Suggestions plz? And remember, I like it rough. ;)

untitled omg(slashy gen containing gratuitously wangsty ( Read more... )

tsubasa, fic

Comments 12

overstreets January 25 2007, 23:05:36 UTC

Dew! Can't you see what's missing? The pr0n scene - duhhh!

Here comes my entirely useless comment. I loved it! The way you have Fye characterized (he's fine, he's always fine ;___; *weeps for him*) is just so spot-on. I love man pain. Of course Fye isn't very manly so man pain is probably not the best word to use here. But anyway. Kuro-tan can have man pain, too.

I fail at con crit. D:

teethlikedog January 26 2007, 21:08:56 UTC

Hah, don't worry about it, I don't expect everyone to go around beta-reading my stuff for me! Just fishing for any suggestions that spring to anyone's mind. ;)

I'm glad you thought the characterisation and stuff worked, though, I always worry about that when I write Fye (I don't even bother to mention it anymore because everything I write I'm like "OMG THIS IS TTLY OOC U GUYZ!" and I'm sure it's just rather annoying!) because he's wangsty and all but I know really pour it on thick, so to speak.

I really need to write some proper porn sometime. I have this great idea for uke!Kuro porn in my head at the moment, but I know I'd end up writing about 5000 words of angsty exposition before I got to the smut, and then at the last second I'd chicken out and write it all vague and stuff. But I'll give it a go sometime soon, BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW.

redex January 25 2007, 23:17:46 UTC

Hey, I read it and liked it. Maybe you just want to convert to my way of spelling Fai's name? :P

From an editorial point of view, I think you could put a better conclusion on the "fine" bit, because it kind of transitions from this introspective thing into the real plot that isn't connected again until the last line. Perhaps you could disperse some more introspective stuff within the rest of the plot, so it doesn't seem so odd? Other than that, the pacing and form seems ideal. Your characterization, as ever, is lovely.

teethlikedog January 26 2007, 21:14:01 UTC

But "Fai" is so last season, dahhling! By which I mean, I'll probably revert to spelling it that way in a couple of months when I get tired of spelling it "Fye". Fickle? Me?

Also: YES! Nail, head, you, hitting it on the? You've just pinpointed EXACTLY what the problem is - the second I read this comment I was like "Of course! How did I not see that?!" And now I can fix it maybe! Thank you so much! :D

redex January 27 2007, 16:00:49 UTC

I had to think about it for a very long time, but good thing I did. ^^ BTW, where is your icon from? It looks strangely familiar...

teethlikedog January 27 2007, 18:05:29 UTC

A good thing indeed! ♥ Icon is from Pan's Labyrinth (which confused me because I watched the entire thing wondering when Pan was going to turn up, before realising that it was actually "The Faun's Labyrinth").

Thread 5

evercool January 26 2007, 20:47:12 UTC

Ooooh, that was nice. Totally adding it to my memories *_*

teethlikedog January 26 2007, 21:16:53 UTC

Thank you, glad you liked! It's in need of serious editing yet before I unleash it properly upon the unsuspecting world, but I'm pleased it's reading well. :)

How did you come across this, by the way?

evercool January 26 2007, 21:50:39 UTC

Oh, sorry XD I probably seemed like a secret stalker! XD Actually, ontogenesis just recc'd it in her latest post ^^ So then I just *had* to check it out, and.... well, you know the rest XD *loves it*

teethlikedog January 27 2007, 00:35:02 UTC

Oh gosh, no worries - I probably sounded rather suspicious there, demanding to know where you'd come from! I just wasn't expecting comments from anyone besides my flist, since I haven't crossposted this to any communities yet.

Thanks again for the comments - I just hope you'll still like the fic when I'm through editing the hell out of it! ;D

rondaview August 16 2008, 10:53:02 UTC

sjgshgjshng oh jesus lord okay i promise to stop spamming your journal like a spamming spam, BUT lemme get this out first: the tension in that last scene is incredible. gorgeously crafted, and the way you have fai resolve it? ouch, ouch, ouch. with vampires, and western civilization's noble tradition of eroticizing the vampiric feeding process, i feel like it's really easy to hand in the reins to cliche and let the bloodletting become an excuse for kurogane and fai to tumble breathlessly into bed together. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. but you do feeding=sexual tension in a way that's subtle and low-key, and there's this psychological complexity too, fai's lying, kurogane's frustrations with it. in other words, GOOD ON YOU for pulling off a believable version of a feeding session becoming more than just that.

and oh, this line again: "Kurogane," he says, and has never felt so cruel. "What are you doing?" HEARTBREAK. ;_; i have to like, go off and recover my breath now. *does so*