keep on whispering their mantras

[teethlikedog]

I need help. I wrote this thing and there's something I really don't like about it. I don't know if it's the layout, or the pacing, or the ending, or a combination of all these things plus more, but something is really bugging me about this. Suggestions plz? And remember, I like it rough. ;)

untitled omg(slashy gen containing gratuitously wangsty

Comments

[redex]

Hey, I read it and liked it. Maybe you just want to convert to my way of spelling Fai's name? :P

From an editorial point of view, I think you could put a better conclusion on the "fine" bit, because it kind of transitions from this introspective thing into the real plot that isn't connected again until the last line. Perhaps you could disperse some more introspective stuff within the rest of the plot, so it doesn't seem so odd? Other than that, the pacing and form seems ideal. Your characterization, as ever, is lovely.

[teethlikedog]

But "Fai" is so last season, dahhling! By which I mean, I'll probably revert to spelling it that way in a couple of months when I get tired of spelling it "Fye". Fickle? Me?

Also: YES! Nail, head, you, hitting it on the? You've just pinpointed EXACTLY what the problem is - the second I read this comment I was like "Of course! How did I not see that?!" And now I can fix it maybe! Thank you so much! :D

[redex]

I had to think about it for a very long time, but good thing I did. ^^ BTW, where is your icon from? It looks strangely familiar...

[teethlikedog]

A good thing indeed! ♥ Icon is from Pan's Labyrinth (which confused me because I watched the entire thing wondering when Pan was going to turn up, before realising that it was actually "The Faun's Labyrinth").

[redex]

Aah, I saw a preview for that last week. I really want to see it, but the liklihood of it coming to a theatre nearby is little to none. D: