A snippet to a book I'm working on

[tavia454]

But who can decide what we dream, and dream I do. - Evanescence 2003

“Don't ask this of me...anything but this...” A deep voice hissed at the one who had just requested the impossible, a regal voice laced with age, with regrets. The short, slightly stooped figure of an older man, stood out, ghost-like, against the pale moonlit grasses of the

Comments

:D

[natoya]

Oh man I loved this! X3 So freaking awesome and interesting! The end left me wanting more!

Re: :D

[tavia454]

*huggles* Thank you! I is trying!

[eachainn]

Oh very interesting.

I liked the shifts between the dream and the people talking, but I do think that the shift between the two men and the girl's point of view needs to be more firmly established, since after a long time of italics being her point of view and regular font being theirs, I kind of just went into that last paragraph thinking that the men were still talking only to find that it was the princess.

Other than that, I love how you set up the plot here without managing to give anything away, very gripping.

[tavia454]

Thank you, I'll have to work on that, since I'm not sure how to separate them and get them to remain separate through the whole sequence. It seems that it blends to me too. Any suggestions?

[eachainn]

Perhaps name the princess early on and refer to her by her name. I know it's taking away the vague sort of feel, but it would help with the transition. If you started out that last paragraph with the name of the princess instead of she, it would be enough for the reader to know that this is something different.

[tavia454]

I'll try that and see if it does anything. Thanks again. :)