Of all heartbreaks and heartaches (2/2)
Title: Of all heartbreaks and heartaches (2/2)
Author: xoxo_nat_xx
Pairing: Eunhyuk/Donghae, Donghae/Jessica
Ratings: PG
Summary: Eunhyuk never knew how a first love felt like, and he feels like he has been swept head over heels for a certain guy. He takes two whole years to experience it, and finally understands how it comes out to be like.
The news spread really quickly, and speculations start rising, because it just seems so impossible for such a perfect couple to break up only after 6 months. Jessica starts hanging out with Eunhyuk again, and he is reluctant to approach the subject unless Jessica broaches it first. There are a lot of rumours going around, making Donghae seem like the party who was hurt, because Jessica was the one who brought it up first.
The rumours aren’t pretty, and Eunhyuk himself cringes at all of them. He tries his best to provide comfort to Jessica, and Jessica acknowledges it, seeking comfort from him silently. Eunhyuk brings it up a notch; he starts talking back to those who point their fingers at Jessica, fiercely swearing to stand by Jessica no matter what happens, because he really wants Jessica as a friend, and this is the way he sees for himself to prove it.
One of his orientation group mates mentions to him that Donghae is really heartbroken, and he is in the complete slumps right now. Eunhyuk feels his inner soul twist in turmoil, and he desperately tries to ignore the quandary that his heart, and his mind are posing to him at the same time. It’s not right, he reasons out, because the group mate does know what is happening between him and Donghae, but she just shrugs nonchalantly, and asks Eunhyuk to comfort both parties if necessary.
Eunhyuk wonders if he is really being a pathetic fool, trying to take care of both parties even when he is very, absolutely sure that his heart isn’t big enough to embrace all this shit, especially when his very first official exams are coming up really soon. Jessica continues to find him during breaks, and they just discuss about random stuff, and Eunhyuk doesn’t know who he should follow anymore, because his mind and heart are both closed off to him.
Damn this, Eunhyuk thinks to himself, and his mind sinks, while his heart lifts, as he sends his very first message to Donghae after a period of ignoring, and avoiding.
How are you?
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Surprisingly, Donghae doesn’t shun him, like what Eunhyuk initially thought Donghae would do. Donghae welcomes him instead with open arms, or in fact, he is more than welcoming. Eunhyuk finds himself submerged in more, and more short messages from Donghae every single moment, even during lessons, lectures, or even when he has reached home and is about to log onto the internet soon.
Eunhyuk doesn’t really hate this; he understands that perhaps Donghae is just trying to find something to divert his attention away from the heartbreak, and he understands this perfectly, because Eunhyuk had always found something to occupy himself when Jessica accepted Donghae’s proposal. So Eunhyuk continues to reply to each message meticulously, trying his best to just provide sole comfort, and his heart sighs in anguish as he hides emotions deep, so deep that he is sure no one can see them anymore.
Jessica learns about this soon, because Eunhyuk cannot bear to hide anything from her. He knows that they are a perfect couple, and they should belong together, so he tries his luck at pushing the both of them together again. Jessica doesn’t seem to mind though, she just flashes a fleeting smile towards Eunhyuk, and pulls Eunhyuk down to sit beside her, admiring the patch of green field before them.
Jessica breaks the silence first; she mentions about the reason they broke up, and Eunhyuk is bewildered. Jessica feels as if she is suffocating under Donghae’s hold, because he sends her messages every single minute, and the lack of smiley faces in her messages may prompt him to worry unnecessarily, and Jessica cannot take it anymore. She feels that her studies should come first, and Eunhyuk agrees on this point, but he cannot comprehend. Although Jessica is still hopelessly in love with him, she decides to end it.
Isn’t love supposed to be something like that, after all? Both parties worry and care for each other, wondering if the other is alright all the time. Although Donghae may have been a little too much, it doesn’t warrant a total breakup yet. But Eunhyuk thinks that he doesn’t understand this completely yet, love is such an intricate and complex matter, that someone like him who hasn’t had any experience has totally no place for him to speak in the first place. So he keeps quiet, and nods emphatically at everything Jesscia says.
Jessica suddenly switches the subject, and she says she believes in fate, something Eunhyuk immediately concurs. Her face lights up, and she playfully pushes Eunhyuk a little, while she leans a little too forward. Eunhyuk knows her attention is no longer on him, but she is trying to spot someone in the distance, and it isn’t a coincidence that Donghae’s class bench is right in that direction. They do belong together, and Jessica believes if they are fated to be together, Donghae will find her one day, again.
Eunhyuk attempts a smile, and it comes out to find it all genuine. Perhaps he is really over Donghae, now. They are just simple, platonic friends, who are absolutely best buddies, going by the number of messages Eunhyuk has to send Donghae every single day. Something drops within him, but he ignores it; nothing seems to be better than now, with both friends still intact, still close to him.
Eunhyuk is suddenly taken aback by what Jessica says, and she laughs really loudly when she spots his shocked expression on his countenance. Jessica pats his hand gently, gripping it to signify that she will understand, because it’s fate after all. She stands up and leaves, and Eunhyuk is rooted to the spot.
It’s possible that you two get together after all; he’s just so close to you!
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Eunhyuk finds himself much closer to Jessica, the closeness he has never imagined before. Donghae is also, something he never expects, because the former starts depending on him so much that Eunhyuk’s mobile phone bills burst, as he has exceeded the number of free messages he can send out per month. But Donghae isn’t really recovering from this episode, so Eunhyuk focuses his attention on Donghae, because Eunhyuk is sure that another friend can help comfort Jessica.
There is this time when Eunhyuk is left alone at home, because he has so much homework that he is totally swamped by it. His parents and sister bid him a cheerful goodbye as they leave to enjoy some sumptuous dinner, and Eunhyuk is left by the stove, cooking his own ramyun and attempting to not look dismal. His hand phone rings all of a sudden, and somehow Eunhyuk doesn’t need to even look at the top of the screen to know who it is anymore.
His eyes widen immediately at the message, and he runs to his room to grab his headset, dialing the number furiously in the process. He doesn’t know why, but that is his very first reaction, to call Donghae and make sure he is alright, because the message scares him, and frightens him deeply, for some reason Eunhyuk himself doesn’t even want to confirm.
Donghae sounds surprised when Eunhyuk calls him, and Eunhyuk exhales harshly, scolding the other quietly over the phone. It’s not fun to scare people with such messages that sound so depressed and low, it does scare others, Eunhyuk says, and a small chuckle comes over from the other side of the phone. Eunhyuk freezes, is Donghae laughing at him? A little annoyed, yet relieved that Donghae is definitely still okay, he settles on the kitchen top, and he cooks his noodles while chatting mindlessly with Donghae.
Donghae tells him more about his dates with Jessica, telling him the point when it started breaking up, and everything that’s perfect in others’ eyes started crumbling, and Eunhyuk frowns; he doesn’t want to take sides. He chides Donghae for some minor points, and they laugh about it together.
Eunhyuk brings his noodles out to the living room to enjoy while talking to Donghae, and he subconsciously freezes when he hears the song that Donghae is currently playing on his laptop. He poses the innocent question, and Donghae seems pleasantly surprised that he recognizes the song as well. Donghae jokes that Eunhyuk gets to listen to songs for free, and Eunhyuk blushes, and hurriedly tries to twist it his way.
That song was one of the songs that Eunhyuk was listening to during the first few weeks of school, and one of the songs Donghae asked him about during their many conversations.
It’s unfair, but Donghae still has that hold over Eunhyuk, even though Eunhyuk vehemently denies it, against his conscience.
And he just falls in deeper.
Later, when the phone bills come, Eunhyuk gets a huge scolding from his parents, because that exact phone call has cost him about fifty more bucks. Eunhyuk’s eyes had bulged at that revelation, and he finds himself grounded, with his pocket money cut later on. But it doesn’t matter, because at least Donghae is still online every single day, and they maintain their usual conversation, as usual.
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Jessica messages Eunhyuk one day, and Eunhyuk doesn’t know how to answer her. It’s straightforward, and it doesn’t sound like an accusation, more like teasing instead, and Eunhyuk is at a loss.
Oppa, just tell me honestly, do you like him?
And Eunhyuk doesn’t know how to answer, because he isn’t sure of the answer himself. It feels like a ‘yes’ all over again, yet Donghae doesn’t seem to understand. So he tries to deny it to himself, but he just cannot press that single button to tell Jessica about his feelings.
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Donghae starts talking to Eunhyuk online again, and it’s crazy; Eunhyuk is literally being pounced on whenever he logs into MSN, because Donghae always seems to be online. They continue the talks that have ended somewhere last time, because of Eunhyuk’s avoidance of Donghae, and Donghae continues to talk about Jessica.
Do you think Jessica has a new boyfriend now?
And Eunhyuk, knowing that there is a particular nasty rumour that Donghae was dumped because Jessica found a new boyfriend, frowns at the message. Out of everyone, Donghae should be the one who knows the most about Jessica, but it seems like he was wrong. Donghae is immature at times, and this just seems to imply and emphasize his childishness.
No.
But she keeps on hanging out with this guy!
She keeps on hanging out with me too, but you don’t seem to suspect anything between us, Eunhyuk thinks to himself. He knows the truth; that guy has been helping Jessica cope with this difficult breakup, because everybody seems to be on Donghae’s side, pointing their fingers and accusing Jessica, and all the arrows hit her silently. No one except Eunhyuk, and the other guy can see, and they are just doing their best to help her move on again.
They are not together. Eunhyuk types in, a little too angrily and his keyboard smashes produce sounds that draw his parents’ attention. He refuses to talk anymore about it, because Donghae is just so oblivious, can’t he see what is going on around him in the first place?
So Eunhyuk changes his settings to ‘Appear Offline’, trying to avoid more heartache.
It doesn’t really help, because Donghae continues by sending his messages through his hand phone, and Eunhyuk just feels like it is his duty to comfort Donghae, so maybe one day Donghae will finally realize that he has always been beside him. Eunhyuk wonders if this is considered getting closer to Donghae, but he realizes that perhaps he has just been deceiving himself again. The feeling towards Donghae just grows stronger, though.
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They meet for lunch, dinner and some other random timings of the day, and Eunhyuk just complies every single time Donghae asks, though he is not really a pushover, but he just cannot say no to Donghae.
They talk during all these meetings, and Eunhyuk discovers a different side to Donghae, not that sociable, happy and carefree Donghae who doesn’t seem to have any worries at all, rather, a much darker Donghae, one who thinks a lot about anything, or everything, and Eunhyuk struggles to catch up at times to drag Donghae out of his depression state.
He tells Donghae about the latest books and movies, tries to convince Donghae to just go out for outings with other people, but Donghae just refuses, too stuck on Jessica to even move on. Eunhyuk hates him for being like this, but it’s funny, he cannot help but go back to Donghae every single time he swore that he should just leave Donghae alone and leave him depressed and everything. He wonders if Donghae is blind, because everyone seems to guess that there is something between the both of them, but Donghae is just too immersed in his own world to care. There are times when Eunhyuk feels like kicking Donghae in his shin, or just giving him a straight punch to his face, but he cannot bring himself to do it.
Eunhyuk tries his best to pull Donghae back on track, but Donghae just continues to wallow in his own depression at times, and Eunhyuk doesn’t know what to do. He feels himself falling in deeper, although he tries to pull himself back as well, but it’s not working. Nearly everything they talk about concerns Jessica, that time when Jessica got angry with him because he suffered a sore eye and yet still wore contacts, the time when Jessica chided him when he caught a cold and still insisted on going on a date with her, for being foolish and silly, and Eunhyuk wishes at times that he could cover his ears and block them out.
But Eunhyuk thinks he knows how Donghae feels now, because he is suffering from a heartbreak that doesn’t seem to get better, or heal, because it just stays there like a gaping huge scar on his heart, and it hurts with every throb, every single heart beat.
It’s impossible, Eunhyuk thinks to himself, he has to end this once and for all, for himself, before he himself sinks into depression too, although his heart is persistent, encouraging him to continue self-deluding himself with all this nonsense that is going on. It’s affecting his studies, and his orientation group mate knows about it, Jessica somewhat suspects what is going on and she gives him some advice which Eunhyuk swears to follow but is failing miserably. Donghae is taking up too much of his time, though he doesn’t mind, but he cannot allow this to go on further.
Donghae will never see him the way Eunhyuk sees him, and Eunhyuk knows at this point in time, he has to completely give up. Eunhyuk is emotionally-weary, he has given what he has all to Donghae, and he silently curses himself for being a fool, because from the very start he already knew that it would only serve to hurt more, and not heal that broken heart of his. And to suffer two heartbreaks in just seven months, Eunhyuk wonders if it is considered a torture.
And the only difference between the two heartbreaks, is that he inflicts the second one upon himself, and he wonders how he does it, being so brutal and cold to himself; he doesn’t recognize the true him anymore.
Eunhyuk sends a message to Donghae, and he waits for the reply.
Donghae, I cannot stand this anymore. I’m sorry. Tell me when you are over.
No, rather, Eunhyuk, I’m sorry! Thank you for being such a great friend all this while, and I promise to get over this as soon as possible!
And Eunhyuk wonders if he really knows what he should be sorry for.
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Eunhyuk still feels something shift within him whenever he sees Donghae online. They don’t approach each other anymore; the times when they freely exchange words through online conversations are over, because Eunhyuk is tired, and emotionally scarred, and Donghae just doesn’t have an inkling what is happening to Eunhyuk.
We are just friends, Eunhyuk tells everyone, and Jessica eyes him carefully, before pulling him into a friendly hug that both of them comprehend silently. Eunhyuk thinks he is starting to move on, with Jessica’s help, and Donghae just fades away into the silence.
Well, not exactly, because there are still monthly group meetings, and every time Eunhyuk sees Donghae he just tries to drop his gaze, or break contact. It is still hurting, but Eunhyuk knows he can do it, he is strong in fact, and this does not deter him anymore. And Donghae is still that sociable guy, charming and all, and Eunhyuk just tries his best to ignore that sore feeling somewhere in the left part of his chest.
His feelings are not reciprocated, he acknowledges that, and this is all something that is one-sided. It isn’t Donghae’s fault at all, he convinces himself, and the tears start falling. He has led himself on and on all this while, and it gets too painful to just drop it like that.
And Eunhyuk wonders if he is a puppet being used, thrown carelessly aside after he has no more use for his owner, and he silently swears to treat puppets better.
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After six months, Eunhyuk finds that it isn’t getting better. Damn it, he swears mentally, and he is so desperate he throws at himself anything, anything at all, and that’s the first time he got an idol. He immerses himself in the world of fandom, even though he is a guy, and Jessica approves of it, because she sees what it has been doing to him, pulling him out of all this crap he is left with.
But he never tells any others the real reason he got an idol, instead, claiming that he started liking the group because of the number of talents inside, and their personalities, so charming, so sociable, so humorous, and Eunhyuk emits a soundless chuckle at this thought, because he doesn’t want to be reminded of someone, yet his idols are the exact replica. It’s funny, but his idols are way better than him.
It starts to heal, because his idols replace that particular guy, and it gets better each passing day. He finds Donghae’s grip on his heart lessening, getting weaker and weaker, until one day he can just look at Donghae straight in the eye and not feel a twinge of something in his heart. He gets closer to another orientation group member, because of the idols, and he relishes this fact; it’s great that his social life is improving and all, ironically because of Donghae.
His emotional well begins to fill up again, and Eunhyuk feels much happier for the first time in months, that he is no longer something others can just throw away. He is Eunhyuk, a living person, and he has his own thoughts and feelings.
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One day, Jessica pulls him aside to announce that Donghae has another new girlfriend. Eunhyuk is shocked at the news, but he accepts it graciously, happy that he no longer feels anything about this piece of news. Donghae is happy as well; for the first time in months he begins to contact Eunhyuk again, but Eunhyuk feels a little cheated, not because he got a girlfriend, but because he got a new girlfriend and didn’t inform Eunhyuk, and Eunhyuk has to discover it through the words of others, instead of a simple announcement from Donghae.
The next time they meet, Eunhyuk punches Donghae playfully on the shoulder, complaining slightly that he has to learn the piece of news from someone else, and Donghae just blushes. Eunhyuk laughs at the sight, and there is genuine joy and excitement springing forth from his heart. Donghae doesn’t need to know what Eunhyuk feels for him last time; this is enough.
Now, Eunhyuk knows it is possible to get his heart broken without starting a relationship, because he has gotten two in a row, and both hurt, though they are over. Perhaps he should thank Donghae for this experience, for allowing him to steel his heart and grow much more mature throughout these two years, and getting Jessica as such a close friend.
And he finally understands what it means, that giving up something may mean getting back so much more in return.
It is way overdue, his reply to Jessica’s message, the one that he kept on denying and kept on erasing his own reply again and again. He finally finds strength to answer it honestly, and he smiles a little to himself as he presses ‘Send’ to Jessica.
Yeah, I used to like him.
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A/N: This was one of the most difficult pieces to write ever, because it's based on a true story. I had to get this one out, because it belongs to 2009, and 2010 should have nothing to do with this anymore. Thus it has to come out before I start on my fics in 2010, and thus I finally know that I have gotten over it. Everything's fine now, because it's another new year, all over again.
And yeah, it's my true story.
Author: xoxo_nat_xx
Pairing: Eunhyuk/Donghae, Donghae/Jessica
Ratings: PG
Summary: Eunhyuk never knew how a first love felt like, and he feels like he has been swept head over heels for a certain guy. He takes two whole years to experience it, and finally understands how it comes out to be like.
The news spread really quickly, and speculations start rising, because it just seems so impossible for such a perfect couple to break up only after 6 months. Jessica starts hanging out with Eunhyuk again, and he is reluctant to approach the subject unless Jessica broaches it first. There are a lot of rumours going around, making Donghae seem like the party who was hurt, because Jessica was the one who brought it up first.
The rumours aren’t pretty, and Eunhyuk himself cringes at all of them. He tries his best to provide comfort to Jessica, and Jessica acknowledges it, seeking comfort from him silently. Eunhyuk brings it up a notch; he starts talking back to those who point their fingers at Jessica, fiercely swearing to stand by Jessica no matter what happens, because he really wants Jessica as a friend, and this is the way he sees for himself to prove it.
One of his orientation group mates mentions to him that Donghae is really heartbroken, and he is in the complete slumps right now. Eunhyuk feels his inner soul twist in turmoil, and he desperately tries to ignore the quandary that his heart, and his mind are posing to him at the same time. It’s not right, he reasons out, because the group mate does know what is happening between him and Donghae, but she just shrugs nonchalantly, and asks Eunhyuk to comfort both parties if necessary.
Eunhyuk wonders if he is really being a pathetic fool, trying to take care of both parties even when he is very, absolutely sure that his heart isn’t big enough to embrace all this shit, especially when his very first official exams are coming up really soon. Jessica continues to find him during breaks, and they just discuss about random stuff, and Eunhyuk doesn’t know who he should follow anymore, because his mind and heart are both closed off to him.
Damn this, Eunhyuk thinks to himself, and his mind sinks, while his heart lifts, as he sends his very first message to Donghae after a period of ignoring, and avoiding.
How are you?
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Surprisingly, Donghae doesn’t shun him, like what Eunhyuk initially thought Donghae would do. Donghae welcomes him instead with open arms, or in fact, he is more than welcoming. Eunhyuk finds himself submerged in more, and more short messages from Donghae every single moment, even during lessons, lectures, or even when he has reached home and is about to log onto the internet soon.
Eunhyuk doesn’t really hate this; he understands that perhaps Donghae is just trying to find something to divert his attention away from the heartbreak, and he understands this perfectly, because Eunhyuk had always found something to occupy himself when Jessica accepted Donghae’s proposal. So Eunhyuk continues to reply to each message meticulously, trying his best to just provide sole comfort, and his heart sighs in anguish as he hides emotions deep, so deep that he is sure no one can see them anymore.
Jessica learns about this soon, because Eunhyuk cannot bear to hide anything from her. He knows that they are a perfect couple, and they should belong together, so he tries his luck at pushing the both of them together again. Jessica doesn’t seem to mind though, she just flashes a fleeting smile towards Eunhyuk, and pulls Eunhyuk down to sit beside her, admiring the patch of green field before them.
Jessica breaks the silence first; she mentions about the reason they broke up, and Eunhyuk is bewildered. Jessica feels as if she is suffocating under Donghae’s hold, because he sends her messages every single minute, and the lack of smiley faces in her messages may prompt him to worry unnecessarily, and Jessica cannot take it anymore. She feels that her studies should come first, and Eunhyuk agrees on this point, but he cannot comprehend. Although Jessica is still hopelessly in love with him, she decides to end it.
Isn’t love supposed to be something like that, after all? Both parties worry and care for each other, wondering if the other is alright all the time. Although Donghae may have been a little too much, it doesn’t warrant a total breakup yet. But Eunhyuk thinks that he doesn’t understand this completely yet, love is such an intricate and complex matter, that someone like him who hasn’t had any experience has totally no place for him to speak in the first place. So he keeps quiet, and nods emphatically at everything Jesscia says.
Jessica suddenly switches the subject, and she says she believes in fate, something Eunhyuk immediately concurs. Her face lights up, and she playfully pushes Eunhyuk a little, while she leans a little too forward. Eunhyuk knows her attention is no longer on him, but she is trying to spot someone in the distance, and it isn’t a coincidence that Donghae’s class bench is right in that direction. They do belong together, and Jessica believes if they are fated to be together, Donghae will find her one day, again.
Eunhyuk attempts a smile, and it comes out to find it all genuine. Perhaps he is really over Donghae, now. They are just simple, platonic friends, who are absolutely best buddies, going by the number of messages Eunhyuk has to send Donghae every single day. Something drops within him, but he ignores it; nothing seems to be better than now, with both friends still intact, still close to him.
Eunhyuk is suddenly taken aback by what Jessica says, and she laughs really loudly when she spots his shocked expression on his countenance. Jessica pats his hand gently, gripping it to signify that she will understand, because it’s fate after all. She stands up and leaves, and Eunhyuk is rooted to the spot.
It’s possible that you two get together after all; he’s just so close to you!
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Eunhyuk finds himself much closer to Jessica, the closeness he has never imagined before. Donghae is also, something he never expects, because the former starts depending on him so much that Eunhyuk’s mobile phone bills burst, as he has exceeded the number of free messages he can send out per month. But Donghae isn’t really recovering from this episode, so Eunhyuk focuses his attention on Donghae, because Eunhyuk is sure that another friend can help comfort Jessica.
There is this time when Eunhyuk is left alone at home, because he has so much homework that he is totally swamped by it. His parents and sister bid him a cheerful goodbye as they leave to enjoy some sumptuous dinner, and Eunhyuk is left by the stove, cooking his own ramyun and attempting to not look dismal. His hand phone rings all of a sudden, and somehow Eunhyuk doesn’t need to even look at the top of the screen to know who it is anymore.
His eyes widen immediately at the message, and he runs to his room to grab his headset, dialing the number furiously in the process. He doesn’t know why, but that is his very first reaction, to call Donghae and make sure he is alright, because the message scares him, and frightens him deeply, for some reason Eunhyuk himself doesn’t even want to confirm.
Donghae sounds surprised when Eunhyuk calls him, and Eunhyuk exhales harshly, scolding the other quietly over the phone. It’s not fun to scare people with such messages that sound so depressed and low, it does scare others, Eunhyuk says, and a small chuckle comes over from the other side of the phone. Eunhyuk freezes, is Donghae laughing at him? A little annoyed, yet relieved that Donghae is definitely still okay, he settles on the kitchen top, and he cooks his noodles while chatting mindlessly with Donghae.
Donghae tells him more about his dates with Jessica, telling him the point when it started breaking up, and everything that’s perfect in others’ eyes started crumbling, and Eunhyuk frowns; he doesn’t want to take sides. He chides Donghae for some minor points, and they laugh about it together.
Eunhyuk brings his noodles out to the living room to enjoy while talking to Donghae, and he subconsciously freezes when he hears the song that Donghae is currently playing on his laptop. He poses the innocent question, and Donghae seems pleasantly surprised that he recognizes the song as well. Donghae jokes that Eunhyuk gets to listen to songs for free, and Eunhyuk blushes, and hurriedly tries to twist it his way.
That song was one of the songs that Eunhyuk was listening to during the first few weeks of school, and one of the songs Donghae asked him about during their many conversations.
It’s unfair, but Donghae still has that hold over Eunhyuk, even though Eunhyuk vehemently denies it, against his conscience.
And he just falls in deeper.
Later, when the phone bills come, Eunhyuk gets a huge scolding from his parents, because that exact phone call has cost him about fifty more bucks. Eunhyuk’s eyes had bulged at that revelation, and he finds himself grounded, with his pocket money cut later on. But it doesn’t matter, because at least Donghae is still online every single day, and they maintain their usual conversation, as usual.
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Jessica messages Eunhyuk one day, and Eunhyuk doesn’t know how to answer her. It’s straightforward, and it doesn’t sound like an accusation, more like teasing instead, and Eunhyuk is at a loss.
Oppa, just tell me honestly, do you like him?
And Eunhyuk doesn’t know how to answer, because he isn’t sure of the answer himself. It feels like a ‘yes’ all over again, yet Donghae doesn’t seem to understand. So he tries to deny it to himself, but he just cannot press that single button to tell Jessica about his feelings.
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Donghae starts talking to Eunhyuk online again, and it’s crazy; Eunhyuk is literally being pounced on whenever he logs into MSN, because Donghae always seems to be online. They continue the talks that have ended somewhere last time, because of Eunhyuk’s avoidance of Donghae, and Donghae continues to talk about Jessica.
Do you think Jessica has a new boyfriend now?
And Eunhyuk, knowing that there is a particular nasty rumour that Donghae was dumped because Jessica found a new boyfriend, frowns at the message. Out of everyone, Donghae should be the one who knows the most about Jessica, but it seems like he was wrong. Donghae is immature at times, and this just seems to imply and emphasize his childishness.
No.
But she keeps on hanging out with this guy!
She keeps on hanging out with me too, but you don’t seem to suspect anything between us, Eunhyuk thinks to himself. He knows the truth; that guy has been helping Jessica cope with this difficult breakup, because everybody seems to be on Donghae’s side, pointing their fingers and accusing Jessica, and all the arrows hit her silently. No one except Eunhyuk, and the other guy can see, and they are just doing their best to help her move on again.
They are not together. Eunhyuk types in, a little too angrily and his keyboard smashes produce sounds that draw his parents’ attention. He refuses to talk anymore about it, because Donghae is just so oblivious, can’t he see what is going on around him in the first place?
So Eunhyuk changes his settings to ‘Appear Offline’, trying to avoid more heartache.
It doesn’t really help, because Donghae continues by sending his messages through his hand phone, and Eunhyuk just feels like it is his duty to comfort Donghae, so maybe one day Donghae will finally realize that he has always been beside him. Eunhyuk wonders if this is considered getting closer to Donghae, but he realizes that perhaps he has just been deceiving himself again. The feeling towards Donghae just grows stronger, though.
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They meet for lunch, dinner and some other random timings of the day, and Eunhyuk just complies every single time Donghae asks, though he is not really a pushover, but he just cannot say no to Donghae.
They talk during all these meetings, and Eunhyuk discovers a different side to Donghae, not that sociable, happy and carefree Donghae who doesn’t seem to have any worries at all, rather, a much darker Donghae, one who thinks a lot about anything, or everything, and Eunhyuk struggles to catch up at times to drag Donghae out of his depression state.
He tells Donghae about the latest books and movies, tries to convince Donghae to just go out for outings with other people, but Donghae just refuses, too stuck on Jessica to even move on. Eunhyuk hates him for being like this, but it’s funny, he cannot help but go back to Donghae every single time he swore that he should just leave Donghae alone and leave him depressed and everything. He wonders if Donghae is blind, because everyone seems to guess that there is something between the both of them, but Donghae is just too immersed in his own world to care. There are times when Eunhyuk feels like kicking Donghae in his shin, or just giving him a straight punch to his face, but he cannot bring himself to do it.
Eunhyuk tries his best to pull Donghae back on track, but Donghae just continues to wallow in his own depression at times, and Eunhyuk doesn’t know what to do. He feels himself falling in deeper, although he tries to pull himself back as well, but it’s not working. Nearly everything they talk about concerns Jessica, that time when Jessica got angry with him because he suffered a sore eye and yet still wore contacts, the time when Jessica chided him when he caught a cold and still insisted on going on a date with her, for being foolish and silly, and Eunhyuk wishes at times that he could cover his ears and block them out.
But Eunhyuk thinks he knows how Donghae feels now, because he is suffering from a heartbreak that doesn’t seem to get better, or heal, because it just stays there like a gaping huge scar on his heart, and it hurts with every throb, every single heart beat.
It’s impossible, Eunhyuk thinks to himself, he has to end this once and for all, for himself, before he himself sinks into depression too, although his heart is persistent, encouraging him to continue self-deluding himself with all this nonsense that is going on. It’s affecting his studies, and his orientation group mate knows about it, Jessica somewhat suspects what is going on and she gives him some advice which Eunhyuk swears to follow but is failing miserably. Donghae is taking up too much of his time, though he doesn’t mind, but he cannot allow this to go on further.
Donghae will never see him the way Eunhyuk sees him, and Eunhyuk knows at this point in time, he has to completely give up. Eunhyuk is emotionally-weary, he has given what he has all to Donghae, and he silently curses himself for being a fool, because from the very start he already knew that it would only serve to hurt more, and not heal that broken heart of his. And to suffer two heartbreaks in just seven months, Eunhyuk wonders if it is considered a torture.
And the only difference between the two heartbreaks, is that he inflicts the second one upon himself, and he wonders how he does it, being so brutal and cold to himself; he doesn’t recognize the true him anymore.
Eunhyuk sends a message to Donghae, and he waits for the reply.
Donghae, I cannot stand this anymore. I’m sorry. Tell me when you are over.
No, rather, Eunhyuk, I’m sorry! Thank you for being such a great friend all this while, and I promise to get over this as soon as possible!
And Eunhyuk wonders if he really knows what he should be sorry for.
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Eunhyuk still feels something shift within him whenever he sees Donghae online. They don’t approach each other anymore; the times when they freely exchange words through online conversations are over, because Eunhyuk is tired, and emotionally scarred, and Donghae just doesn’t have an inkling what is happening to Eunhyuk.
We are just friends, Eunhyuk tells everyone, and Jessica eyes him carefully, before pulling him into a friendly hug that both of them comprehend silently. Eunhyuk thinks he is starting to move on, with Jessica’s help, and Donghae just fades away into the silence.
Well, not exactly, because there are still monthly group meetings, and every time Eunhyuk sees Donghae he just tries to drop his gaze, or break contact. It is still hurting, but Eunhyuk knows he can do it, he is strong in fact, and this does not deter him anymore. And Donghae is still that sociable guy, charming and all, and Eunhyuk just tries his best to ignore that sore feeling somewhere in the left part of his chest.
His feelings are not reciprocated, he acknowledges that, and this is all something that is one-sided. It isn’t Donghae’s fault at all, he convinces himself, and the tears start falling. He has led himself on and on all this while, and it gets too painful to just drop it like that.
And Eunhyuk wonders if he is a puppet being used, thrown carelessly aside after he has no more use for his owner, and he silently swears to treat puppets better.
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After six months, Eunhyuk finds that it isn’t getting better. Damn it, he swears mentally, and he is so desperate he throws at himself anything, anything at all, and that’s the first time he got an idol. He immerses himself in the world of fandom, even though he is a guy, and Jessica approves of it, because she sees what it has been doing to him, pulling him out of all this crap he is left with.
But he never tells any others the real reason he got an idol, instead, claiming that he started liking the group because of the number of talents inside, and their personalities, so charming, so sociable, so humorous, and Eunhyuk emits a soundless chuckle at this thought, because he doesn’t want to be reminded of someone, yet his idols are the exact replica. It’s funny, but his idols are way better than him.
It starts to heal, because his idols replace that particular guy, and it gets better each passing day. He finds Donghae’s grip on his heart lessening, getting weaker and weaker, until one day he can just look at Donghae straight in the eye and not feel a twinge of something in his heart. He gets closer to another orientation group member, because of the idols, and he relishes this fact; it’s great that his social life is improving and all, ironically because of Donghae.
His emotional well begins to fill up again, and Eunhyuk feels much happier for the first time in months, that he is no longer something others can just throw away. He is Eunhyuk, a living person, and he has his own thoughts and feelings.
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One day, Jessica pulls him aside to announce that Donghae has another new girlfriend. Eunhyuk is shocked at the news, but he accepts it graciously, happy that he no longer feels anything about this piece of news. Donghae is happy as well; for the first time in months he begins to contact Eunhyuk again, but Eunhyuk feels a little cheated, not because he got a girlfriend, but because he got a new girlfriend and didn’t inform Eunhyuk, and Eunhyuk has to discover it through the words of others, instead of a simple announcement from Donghae.
The next time they meet, Eunhyuk punches Donghae playfully on the shoulder, complaining slightly that he has to learn the piece of news from someone else, and Donghae just blushes. Eunhyuk laughs at the sight, and there is genuine joy and excitement springing forth from his heart. Donghae doesn’t need to know what Eunhyuk feels for him last time; this is enough.
Now, Eunhyuk knows it is possible to get his heart broken without starting a relationship, because he has gotten two in a row, and both hurt, though they are over. Perhaps he should thank Donghae for this experience, for allowing him to steel his heart and grow much more mature throughout these two years, and getting Jessica as such a close friend.
And he finally understands what it means, that giving up something may mean getting back so much more in return.
It is way overdue, his reply to Jessica’s message, the one that he kept on denying and kept on erasing his own reply again and again. He finally finds strength to answer it honestly, and he smiles a little to himself as he presses ‘Send’ to Jessica.
Yeah, I used to like him.
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A/N: This was one of the most difficult pieces to write ever, because it's based on a true story. I had to get this one out, because it belongs to 2009, and 2010 should have nothing to do with this anymore. Thus it has to come out before I start on my fics in 2010, and thus I finally know that I have gotten over it. Everything's fine now, because it's another new year, all over again.
And yeah, it's my true story.