[Ryo/Shige, The Love that Chases] Over and Done With
Title: The Love that Chases
Chapter: Over and Done With (6 of Part 2)
Pairing: Ryo/Shige, with some Shige/Pi
Author:
misticloud
Words: 4,089
Summary: Ryo realises that Shige's feelings are a lot more complicated than they seem, and the complications could put an end to the whole affair permanently.
Note: An extra long chapter this time round! I want to ask for a public opinion. Originally it was stated that this story would have 3 parts, but now I'm thinking of just ending it at Part 2 since Part 3 is not super essential to the plot. It's more of relationship growth. If it ends at Part 2, I estimate that there are about two more chapters to go before TLC finishes. Maybe you guys can tell me whether you want the story to be continued or not when Part 2 ends :) Back to the chapter, I hope it's not too complicated sounding, heh. Enjoy!
Previously: [ Part 1] [The Possibility of Forgetting] [A Few Conversations] [Amidst Forgetting] [Night and Morning] [Courting]
Edit: There have been three absolutely fabulous response-fics written along the time frame of the current chapter, so I'm linking them here because I loved them so much and I'm sure you would too ♥
Lemon and vodka leave an unforgettable feeling in your lips. and I could feel the heat of the sun against my skin by the lovely
amaikoryori
Far Away by the equally lovely
jojibear
I love you girls for enriching the TLC world.
Over and Done With
Shige leaned against the wall with his sunglasses shadowing his eyes, watching the busy Sunday crowd swirl past him. At any other time he would feel annoyed at having to wait, but on this occasion, as on many others before, he simply felt resigned. The sky would have to collapse into the sea, he reasoned, before he didn’t have to wait.
A group of chattering schoolgirls on their day out passed by him and shrieked with laughter simultaneously at an apparently hilarious joke. Shige winced a little. That was one of the laws of nature that he could not understand; why girls in puberty had to travel in packs and scream when they laughed. Couldn’t they hear themselves? Or had their eardrums already become immune to their laughter due to constant bombardment of unearthly decibels?
Shige knew he would never be able to figure out the answer, and so when they thankfully disappeared from sight, he put them out of his mind and idly observed the rest of the people hurrying about in their Sunday rush. Shibuya was hectic at the best of times; today was probably the worst. Shige didn’t really like crowds. There was nothing he liked better than lying on his couch with his very expensive stereo set turned on to slightly higher than average levels while thumbing through a critically acclaimed book and sipping at his mother’s homemade fruit juice. He had a sneaky suspicion that that shouldn’t be an idol’s favourite activity, but there it was. Unglamourous Kato Shigeaki.
He gave a mental shrug at himself and forgot his reverie the next minute as a couple specializing in PDA took up a little space beside him. The girl giggled slightly and brushed her nose against her boyfriend’s; he reciprocated by hooking his arms around her waist and biting her ear. They then proceeded to rub against each other in a way that would be decent only for the bedroom.
Shige blinked a little and wondered if he should move somewhere else to give them more private space. If there was anything he hated, it was lovey dovey couples who had a tendency towards PDA. Apart from the awkwardness of having to stare at two people who obviously wanted a room to themselves and as such, displayed that desire to the rest of the world, seeing them reminded him of things that he didn’t want to remember. Shige prided himself on his ability to forget, but one couldn’t forget all the time.
A couple of scantily clad girls walked past him and threw him suggestive glances coupled with blindingly seductive smiles. Shige returned the smile, observed them through his sunglasses, but didn’t make any other move. They were both stunning; long-limbed and fashionable with outrageously high heels and styled hair, and they walked with their knees knocking slightly against each other. He knew that many guys found that a tremendous turn on. He personally thought they looked rather deformed.
Not looking for love, girls, he thought as they threw him one last look and, seeing his obvious disinterest, sauntered on with a pout of their pretty glossy lips. Shige didn’t want to think about anything remotely to do with relationships. If one was to ask him now about his views on love, he would say he had no idea. Or perhaps he would even think it was funny. A lot of things were funny to him now; things that hadn’t been funny at all last time. Koyama said that he laughed a little too much nowadays. Shige said Koyama’s sense of humour wasn’t as finely-tuned as his. Laughter was easy and harmless.
His handphone rang loudly, obnoxiously, and the PDA guy beside him threw him an irritated look as the sound cut into their passionate necking. Shige let the phone ring longer out of spite, and picked up only when the girl began to throw him a dirty look as well. Fine, throw me dirty looks. I’m not the one stuck up against the wall trying to show people that I’ve got someone all over me. I’m just standing here, minding my own business, when my phone decides to ring. I’m totally apologetic for interrupting your making-out spree. Practically on my knees begging for forgiveness, in fact.
“Hey, Shige.”
Shige adjusted his phone against his ear. “Hi, Nishikido-kun.”
“Didn’t we agree that it was to be Ryo?”
“I forget,” Shige said simply. He watched in satisfaction as the couple suddenly realised that they were going to be late for something and hurriedly detached themselves to run off.
“Free to talk now?”
“Sure. I’m just waiting for someone.”
“This from Kato Shigeaki who hates waiting?”
“It’s not like I have a choice,” said Shige. “He’s always late, and I have an irritating tendency to be somewhat on time.”
Ryo laughed. “That’s one of your good traits. Though on concert tours that tendency tends to go on a holiday.”
“Nothing that happens on concert tours should be taken seriously. You’re not normal then.”
“Nothing at all?”
“No,” Shige said decidedly. “You always behave weirdly when you’re on tour. You get too sensitive, or too assuming, maybe because the lack of sleep makes you pretty much subhuman.”
“You have an incredibly bleak outlook on touring. Don’t forget I’m, according to your theory, subhuman right now.”
“How’s it going?”
“Pretty much the same as the last time we talked. Cameras everywhere. Nonstop travelling. It’s great in a way, but in other ways…sometimes I just want to go back to Tokyo.”
“Tokyo? Whatever happened to Osaka? You’re betraying your hometown. I thought you were such a fervent loyalist.”
“Well, Osaka doesn’t have something,” said Ryo, sounding cautious. “Someone.”
Shige watched the screen opposite him flash an advertisement about sneakers. He didn’t reply. Didn’t want to.
“Shige?”
“Enjoy yourself, Ryo. There’s only a month or two left to go. A lot of us want opportunities like that but don’t ever get them.”
“I guess. I’ve enjoyed myself, of course. But it isn’t always easy, you know? Sometimes you don’t want to enjoy yourself.”
“Uh huh…”
“When I get back, let’s go for lunch together. Some swanky place.”
Shige pushed himself off the wall as he caught sight of someone in the crowd waving eagerly at him. “Hey, he’s here. Talk to you another time, alright? Have fun on your Sunday.”
“Do we have to hang up so quickly?” Ryo was plaintive.
Shige forced himself to laugh. “Goodbye, Nishikido-kun.”
He disconnected just as Yamapi broke free of the crowd and ran up to him with a big smile. “I’m not too late!”
“No, of course not,” Shige assured him, glancing down at his watch. “Just half an hour. That’s not too late at all.”
Yamapi laughed breathlessly and punched him on the arm. “I woke up at least two hours earlier than usual just to meet you here on time, so you better be thankful.”
Shige shook his head. “Two hours early, and yet half an hour late.”
“It’s a bad habit. I can’t break it.”
“Habits are excuses, Yamashita.”
They grinned at each other and, perhaps walking a little closer than they would have had half a year ago, they plunged into the surging crowd around them. In the few moments of wilderness before the green man lit up, Yamapi’s hand found its way to Shige’s and squeezed once. Tightly.
… …
Ryo wondered if he should feel so lonely. After all, he was with Kanjani, and being with Kanjani always made him happy. They were closer than close. They were the perfect company during long, grueling concert tours; funny and understanding, even if Maruyama had taken to calling out, “There’s Ryo’s disgustingly happy face again!” whenever he got off the line with Shige. Of course, nobody knew who exactly he was talking to. They probably wouldn’t have believed it even if he told them. Everybody knew he loved Yamapi as much as he would a brother; but nobody thought very highly of his relationship with the rest of the NEWS members, much less Shige, who could hardly be said to have featured prominently in Ryo’s life up till now.
That was, Ryo thought, perhaps one of the reasons why he was so lonely. Nobody talked about Shige; nobody even thought about him. Starless skies and empty train stations meant nothing to them. He couldn’t even confide in someone about how increasingly aloof Shige was sounding on the phone. An aloofness that wasn’t hostility, but rather a light, detached friendliness that was probably worse than hostility would have been.
At least hostility meant that the person cared, even if it was in undesirable ways. One could do something with hostility. But nothing could be done about light, detached friendliness. It was neither here nor there; you couldn’t catch hold of it and squeeze something out of it. Shige was a million miles away, and Ryo felt lonelier with every passing day that took Shige even further from him.
He remembered the intensity in Shige’s eyes once, two years ago, when he had woken up from his doze on the bus to find Shige watching him in the rearview mirror. It had only been a few seconds before Shige hurriedly averted his gaze and bent his head over a book, but Ryo couldn’t forget the expression in his eyes. It was as though Shige’s entire life, his entire heart, was bound up completely in him. For the rest of the journey Ryo wondered how long exactly had Shige been looking at him. At that time it made him feel vaguely uncomfortable. Now he would give anything to see that intensity in Shige’s eyes again; or at least hear a note of it in his voice. But somewhere along the way over the past two years, that intensity had given way to a detached friendliness that Shige probably used with everyone he met.
“I think you should tell him,” said Uchi when Ryo called him out of desperation.
“Tell him what?”
“You know, about your feelings for him. You can’t expect him to understand just by placing a couple of phone calls to him every week. More likely he’s bound to think that you’re trying to win him back because you don’t like the thought of not having him around to love you anymore.”
Ryo was appalled. “I think he’s smarter than that.”
“It has nothing to do with how smart you are, Ryo. The fact is, you’ve been giving him crazily one-street signals ever since the time you met.”
“Come again? Your metaphor is too profound.”
“In other words, ever since you met, you’ve been showing him quite clearly that you don’t think of him as anything more than just a group member. If even that, actually. Everyone knew at the beginning that you didn’t even want to be in NEWS. So, you didn’t think of him as anything more than a group member you didn’t want.”
Ryo winced, but continued listening. Uchi sometimes had a way of hitting upon the truth.
“He’s gotten used to that,” Uchi went on, warming up in his analysis. “When he told you it was over, he said you didn’t have to be bothered by it anymore, right? It just shows that he thought his feelings were a hindrance to you. That’s probably why he didn’t do anything for so many years, just stayed in the distance. Probably why he didn’t contact you during the suspension too, even though you were dumb enough not to be able to call him.”
“It would be highly appreciated if you could get to the point already.”
“Fine, you ungrateful bastard. Remember that I’ve thought through this for you.”
Ryo groaned. “Okay, okay. I’m truly grateful from the bottom of my heart. Now please tell me what exactly you’re driving at.”
“So,” Uchi resumed, “now that it’s over, he doesn’t expect you to do anything, because well, you didn’t do anything for four years. But guess what? Suddenly you start inviting him out and calling him every week. Obviously he’s got to be confused. You know Shige, he isn’t exactly bright at catching on to people actually liking him.”
“No, actually I think…” Ryo thought of the group of students milling around Shige, their affection and admiration for him and his casual acknowledgement of it so evident in their laughing faces and chatter. Once again he felt cruelly jealous towards them, and he didn’t really know why.
“Okay, I revise that. Shige isn’t bright at catching on to people in the industry actually liking him. That includes you. So all of a sudden you’re putting up a show that you might actually think more of him than you’ve shown for years, and you haven’t even explained why you’re doing stuff like that, so well. What more can I say? You’ve got to be more aggressive if you want him. More straightforward, in any case.”
“As I would like to but I would prefer not to do it over the phone.”
“Well, it’s that or nothing,” said Uchi shortly. “I ran into Koyama the other day and had a short chat with him. Asked about Shige for your benefit. Apparently Yamapi has been going out with him very frequently, so much so that Koyama said he thought there might be something up between them. He might have been joking, but I don’t think so. You’re somewhere in Japan trying to hold on to him through vague phone calls while he’s being courted by someone else who’s not half as undecided as you. Give it some thought, my friend.”
Ryo didn’t want to believe Uchi. Yamapi and Shige…was ridiculous enough without having to swallow the theory that Shige might be misinterpreting his calls as selfish actions to win back his unrequited love. It couldn’t be.
But now, sitting on the bus on the way back to the hotel with Ohkura sleeping peacefully beside him, he gazed at the headlights of the cars passing along outside and thought of the abrupt way in which Shige often cut off their phone calls. It couldn’t be; and yet it could.
Without even realizing what he was doing, he pulled out his handphone and dialed Shige’s number.
Ring. Ring. Ring ring. Riiiing. Riiiing ring ring.
“…helloo.”
“Hey, it’s me.”
“Nishi…” Shige’s voice trailed off into a yawn. “It’s midnight and I’ve been studying the whole day.”
“I just…” Ryo swallowed. “I just wanted to talk.”
“What?” Shige asked tiredly. “What do you want to talk about, Nishikido-kun?”
Ryo paused and tried to collect his thoughts. It all felt like too much effort and in the end he settled for a simple, “I don’t know.”
“Then maybe we can hang up now?”
“No! No, Shige, I…I have something to ask you, really.”
“What?”
“About…”
There was silence on the other end. Then Shige sighed and a lot of rustling noises told Ryo that he was turning over in bed.
“About that cat of yours. Wagahai.”
“What about him?”
“I haven’t seen him in a long time.”
“I think…” Shige sounded like he was converging with sleep. “The last I know, he’s out travelling the world.”
“Why would he do that? He’s staying with his owner, isn’t he?”
“I don’t know. He didn’t give a reason. Maybe he just got tired of hanging around.” A long, loud yawn. “Ryo, I’m really tired I have to sleep now…I’m going…gone.”
The line disconnected and Ryo leaned his head back on the headrest.
If only, he thought, Wagahai’s smug, furry face would appear around the seat now, he would pull the cat up onto his lap, even give him a welcome hug. But Wagahai was as lost to him as everything else was.
He closed his eyes and tried his hardest to keep his tears as soft as possible so that he would not wake Ohkura.
… …
“Sometimes I don’t understand you,” Koyama complained.
“What don’t you understand about me?” Shige asked, pulling out a transparent umbrella from the rack and deciding that it looked a little dirty compared to the one beside it.
“They’re all the same, Shige.”
“They’re not. That one had a spot on it.”
“A spot won’t make a difference!” Koyama was a bit agitated now.
Shige grinned at him and pulled out another umbrella. “I’ll choose one soon, I promise.”
Koyama muttered.
“So is this what you don’t understand about me?” Shige asked five minutes later when they stood at the traffic light huddled under their umbrellas, shivering slightly in the cold wind.
Koyama sneezed. “What is this?”
“My fussy umbrella selection.”
“Shi…!” Koyama sneezed again and threw him a reproachful look. “Of course not!”
“Then what?” Shige asked. “You don’t just tell someone that you don’t understand them and then don’t offer an explanation.”
“Well…” Koyama was beginning to launch into the desired explanation when the green man lit up and they hurried across the road, hunching shoulders against the wind. Shige pointed to the nearest café and they half flew towards it.
“I…hate…rain,” Koyama gasped.
Shige smiled, shaking the rain drops from his umbrella. “Believe me, so do I.”
“It’s wet and cold and mean and nasty and…”
“Just negative overall.”
“Totally.” Koyama swiped his arm free of droplets.
They both ordered nice warming cups of coffee and sat down by the window, peering out at the rain.
“Ne, Shige.” Koyama wheezed.
“What?”
“The thing I don’t understand about you is Ryo-chan.”
“Nishikido isn’t ‘about’ me!” Shige laughed, shaking his head.
Koyama ignored him. “The thing is, he’s been calling you quite regularly, hasn’t he? I don’t understand what you feel about it.”
Shige stared at him. “Nothing much.”
“Nothing much? But he’s obviously trying to win you back. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted, Ryo-chan trying to win you?”
“No!” Shige snapped, and winced when Koyama jolted at the sharpness of his tone. He rubbed his head in apology. “I’m sorry for snapping. But no, Koyama. I used to want it, but not anymore. Not now.”
Koyama tried not to sound as puzzled as he felt. “Why not now?”
“Because…” Shige paused, tapping his finger against the table slowly and rhythmically. “It seems pretty late, doesn’t it?”
“Late…but the point is that he’s trying now.”
“I don’t know.” Shige gave up tapping and shrugged in a would-be nonchalant way. “Maybe I’ve just become tired of the whole thing, or maybe it doesn’t seem very real to me. Either way, it’s not what I want, truly. I just want us to get along so that being stuck together for hours during filming or photo-taking won’t be too awkward.”
“But all your memories with him? Didn’t you have quite a lot? You used to talk about them sometimes. Lying beside him by that hotel swimming pool…and going out with him on the night of New Year’s…”
Shige gave a little exaggerated sigh. “They’re all past. Ancient history. Deep in the annals of Stupidity, never to be dragged up again. I can’t imagine how I placed such great store by them last time, they weren’t even significant things.”
“I don’t understand you.”
“It’s simple to understand, really. They’re all in the past. There’s no need to think about them anymore. Nothing that happens now can change them.”
Koyama rubbed his nose uncertainly, almost foolishly. “I feel like you’re throwing something away, Shige…”
“Throwing something away, huh?” Shige mulled over it, then smiled. A smile that Koyama did not like in the least because it had nothing of mirth in it. “It’s okay. At least it doesn’t make me sad.”
“But…” Koyama couldn’t argue with that. It was true, Shige didn’t seem sad anymore. “Even if you’re not sad…”
“God, how it used to hurt!” Shige cut him off, laughing. “How funny to think of it now, getting all upset and crying in bed because I couldn’t see him. What a pathetic arse. Loving someone totally screws with one’s mind. But now I’m out of it, I wouldn’t even notice that he’s not around. You should be happy for me, Koyama. It was a huge step to take and I took it and I’m over it now, onto smaller and less difficult steps.”
Koyama didn’t know what to say. It all seemed so wrong.
“Pretty soon, there won’t even be any steps left,” Shige mused. He took a sip of his coffee and grinned. “I think hot coffee is heaven when you’re drinking it in the middle of a storm.”
“I think you should give him another chance, Shige.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s your chance at happiness.”
“There are several chances, Koyama,” said Shige lightly. “Thousands of chances at happiness. I think I’ve already exhausted this one. It didn’t bring me much happiness, remember? It’s time to hunt out other chances.” He smiled again. “Remember to tell me if you see one floating by. Preferably long-haired, intelligent, and doesn’t use half a million emoticons in her text messages.”
Koyama wrapped his fingers around the cup and soaked in its warmth. His lips were pressed tightly together. “As you wish.”
“I do wish.”
He shrugged and looked out of the window at the few straggling, drenched pedestrians outside. Shige was impossible to read during times like this.
… …
Shige was drunk. Ryo could hear it.
“Shige, call a cab and go home…or better still, call Koyama. Ask him to drive you home. For goodness’ sake don’t try to drive.”
“Ryo-chan!” Shige exclaimed, half-laughing. “The chance at happiness. Ryo-chan, the chance at happiness. What bullshit.”
Ryo heard someone else laughing not too far from Shige and he clenched his fists in worry. Who the hell was there with him?
“Shige, I’ll be back in Tokyo tomorrow morning and I don’t want to see you on the headlines lying wasted on the ground robbed of your wallet and drooling like a maniac. So can you please get yourself together to call a cab…”
“He says call a CAB,” Shige said.
“Ryo-chaaaaan.” Ryo could hear the other voice distinctly now and he was almost struck dumb. “Don’t worry! Shige’s in my room with me!”
“Yamapi?”
“I think I should hang up now,” said Shige ominously.
“No wait, Shige…”
“WHY?” Shige practically yelled down the line, and Ryo started so violently that Ohkura threw him a concerned look from the other side of the hotel room. “Why can’t I hang up? Why do you always want to talk to me?”
“Ryo-chaaan, you’re making Shige cry!” Yamapi’s voice floated in.
“Wait, Shige. I want to talk to you because I want to hear your voice. It makes me happy to talk to you. And I want…” Ryo fumbled over his words. “I want to talk to you for as long as possible.”
“Why?”
“Because I love you…”
There was a short silence broken by little sympathetic-sounding noises from Yamapi.
“Shige, please listen to me,” Ryo said, his voice trembling.
“No,” said Shige, sounding strangely muffled. “You don’t. I don’t know what you want or how you’re feeling but I just want you to let me be. Let me be…”
“I can’t let you go…I’m sorry for everything I’ve done but Shige…” Ryo had the distinct feeling that this was not the time when he should be explaining himself, definitely not when Shige and Yamapi were drunk in a room together and obviously not in any mood to listen to him, but he couldn’t stop himself. “I really want to start over with you again. I’ve realised so many things and I know that I love you and I need you to love me back…”
“Don’t say that, Ryo! Don’t make me do that! And don’t lie…” Shige trailed off, then came back again. “Don’t make me do that. Let’s just be. It’s all over. Let it be.”
The phone was grabbed from him and Ryo had to suppress a cry at the back of his throat.
“Ryo-chan.” Yamapi’s voice came over the line. “Don’t make Shige cry anymore, ne? I’m hanging up now.”
He disconnected and Ryo collapsed onto the bed, shaking, and even though Ohkura rushed over and tried to put his arms around him, all he could think of was Shige and Yamapi alone together and Shige crying and saying let it be and don’t lie and don’t make me do that and he didn’t know what to do anymore except lean his head against the mattress and tear at the sheets with his fingers.
Don’t make me do that, don’t make me do that, don’t make me do that.
Chapter: Over and Done With (6 of Part 2)
Pairing: Ryo/Shige, with some Shige/Pi
Author:
misticloud
Words: 4,089
Summary: Ryo realises that Shige's feelings are a lot more complicated than they seem, and the complications could put an end to the whole affair permanently.
Note: An extra long chapter this time round! I want to ask for a public opinion. Originally it was stated that this story would have 3 parts, but now I'm thinking of just ending it at Part 2 since Part 3 is not super essential to the plot. It's more of relationship growth. If it ends at Part 2, I estimate that there are about two more chapters to go before TLC finishes. Maybe you guys can tell me whether you want the story to be continued or not when Part 2 ends :) Back to the chapter, I hope it's not too complicated sounding, heh. Enjoy!
Previously: [ Part 1] [The Possibility of Forgetting] [A Few Conversations] [Amidst Forgetting] [Night and Morning] [Courting]
Edit: There have been three absolutely fabulous response-fics written along the time frame of the current chapter, so I'm linking them here because I loved them so much and I'm sure you would too ♥
Lemon and vodka leave an unforgettable feeling in your lips. and I could feel the heat of the sun against my skin by the lovely
amaikoryori
Far Away by the equally lovely
jojibear
I love you girls for enriching the TLC world.
Over and Done With
Shige leaned against the wall with his sunglasses shadowing his eyes, watching the busy Sunday crowd swirl past him. At any other time he would feel annoyed at having to wait, but on this occasion, as on many others before, he simply felt resigned. The sky would have to collapse into the sea, he reasoned, before he didn’t have to wait.
A group of chattering schoolgirls on their day out passed by him and shrieked with laughter simultaneously at an apparently hilarious joke. Shige winced a little. That was one of the laws of nature that he could not understand; why girls in puberty had to travel in packs and scream when they laughed. Couldn’t they hear themselves? Or had their eardrums already become immune to their laughter due to constant bombardment of unearthly decibels?
Shige knew he would never be able to figure out the answer, and so when they thankfully disappeared from sight, he put them out of his mind and idly observed the rest of the people hurrying about in their Sunday rush. Shibuya was hectic at the best of times; today was probably the worst. Shige didn’t really like crowds. There was nothing he liked better than lying on his couch with his very expensive stereo set turned on to slightly higher than average levels while thumbing through a critically acclaimed book and sipping at his mother’s homemade fruit juice. He had a sneaky suspicion that that shouldn’t be an idol’s favourite activity, but there it was. Unglamourous Kato Shigeaki.
He gave a mental shrug at himself and forgot his reverie the next minute as a couple specializing in PDA took up a little space beside him. The girl giggled slightly and brushed her nose against her boyfriend’s; he reciprocated by hooking his arms around her waist and biting her ear. They then proceeded to rub against each other in a way that would be decent only for the bedroom.
Shige blinked a little and wondered if he should move somewhere else to give them more private space. If there was anything he hated, it was lovey dovey couples who had a tendency towards PDA. Apart from the awkwardness of having to stare at two people who obviously wanted a room to themselves and as such, displayed that desire to the rest of the world, seeing them reminded him of things that he didn’t want to remember. Shige prided himself on his ability to forget, but one couldn’t forget all the time.
A couple of scantily clad girls walked past him and threw him suggestive glances coupled with blindingly seductive smiles. Shige returned the smile, observed them through his sunglasses, but didn’t make any other move. They were both stunning; long-limbed and fashionable with outrageously high heels and styled hair, and they walked with their knees knocking slightly against each other. He knew that many guys found that a tremendous turn on. He personally thought they looked rather deformed.
Not looking for love, girls, he thought as they threw him one last look and, seeing his obvious disinterest, sauntered on with a pout of their pretty glossy lips. Shige didn’t want to think about anything remotely to do with relationships. If one was to ask him now about his views on love, he would say he had no idea. Or perhaps he would even think it was funny. A lot of things were funny to him now; things that hadn’t been funny at all last time. Koyama said that he laughed a little too much nowadays. Shige said Koyama’s sense of humour wasn’t as finely-tuned as his. Laughter was easy and harmless.
His handphone rang loudly, obnoxiously, and the PDA guy beside him threw him an irritated look as the sound cut into their passionate necking. Shige let the phone ring longer out of spite, and picked up only when the girl began to throw him a dirty look as well. Fine, throw me dirty looks. I’m not the one stuck up against the wall trying to show people that I’ve got someone all over me. I’m just standing here, minding my own business, when my phone decides to ring. I’m totally apologetic for interrupting your making-out spree. Practically on my knees begging for forgiveness, in fact.
“Hey, Shige.”
Shige adjusted his phone against his ear. “Hi, Nishikido-kun.”
“Didn’t we agree that it was to be Ryo?”
“I forget,” Shige said simply. He watched in satisfaction as the couple suddenly realised that they were going to be late for something and hurriedly detached themselves to run off.
“Free to talk now?”
“Sure. I’m just waiting for someone.”
“This from Kato Shigeaki who hates waiting?”
“It’s not like I have a choice,” said Shige. “He’s always late, and I have an irritating tendency to be somewhat on time.”
Ryo laughed. “That’s one of your good traits. Though on concert tours that tendency tends to go on a holiday.”
“Nothing that happens on concert tours should be taken seriously. You’re not normal then.”
“Nothing at all?”
“No,” Shige said decidedly. “You always behave weirdly when you’re on tour. You get too sensitive, or too assuming, maybe because the lack of sleep makes you pretty much subhuman.”
“You have an incredibly bleak outlook on touring. Don’t forget I’m, according to your theory, subhuman right now.”
“How’s it going?”
“Pretty much the same as the last time we talked. Cameras everywhere. Nonstop travelling. It’s great in a way, but in other ways…sometimes I just want to go back to Tokyo.”
“Tokyo? Whatever happened to Osaka? You’re betraying your hometown. I thought you were such a fervent loyalist.”
“Well, Osaka doesn’t have something,” said Ryo, sounding cautious. “Someone.”
Shige watched the screen opposite him flash an advertisement about sneakers. He didn’t reply. Didn’t want to.
“Shige?”
“Enjoy yourself, Ryo. There’s only a month or two left to go. A lot of us want opportunities like that but don’t ever get them.”
“I guess. I’ve enjoyed myself, of course. But it isn’t always easy, you know? Sometimes you don’t want to enjoy yourself.”
“Uh huh…”
“When I get back, let’s go for lunch together. Some swanky place.”
Shige pushed himself off the wall as he caught sight of someone in the crowd waving eagerly at him. “Hey, he’s here. Talk to you another time, alright? Have fun on your Sunday.”
“Do we have to hang up so quickly?” Ryo was plaintive.
Shige forced himself to laugh. “Goodbye, Nishikido-kun.”
He disconnected just as Yamapi broke free of the crowd and ran up to him with a big smile. “I’m not too late!”
“No, of course not,” Shige assured him, glancing down at his watch. “Just half an hour. That’s not too late at all.”
Yamapi laughed breathlessly and punched him on the arm. “I woke up at least two hours earlier than usual just to meet you here on time, so you better be thankful.”
Shige shook his head. “Two hours early, and yet half an hour late.”
“It’s a bad habit. I can’t break it.”
“Habits are excuses, Yamashita.”
They grinned at each other and, perhaps walking a little closer than they would have had half a year ago, they plunged into the surging crowd around them. In the few moments of wilderness before the green man lit up, Yamapi’s hand found its way to Shige’s and squeezed once. Tightly.
… …
Ryo wondered if he should feel so lonely. After all, he was with Kanjani, and being with Kanjani always made him happy. They were closer than close. They were the perfect company during long, grueling concert tours; funny and understanding, even if Maruyama had taken to calling out, “There’s Ryo’s disgustingly happy face again!” whenever he got off the line with Shige. Of course, nobody knew who exactly he was talking to. They probably wouldn’t have believed it even if he told them. Everybody knew he loved Yamapi as much as he would a brother; but nobody thought very highly of his relationship with the rest of the NEWS members, much less Shige, who could hardly be said to have featured prominently in Ryo’s life up till now.
That was, Ryo thought, perhaps one of the reasons why he was so lonely. Nobody talked about Shige; nobody even thought about him. Starless skies and empty train stations meant nothing to them. He couldn’t even confide in someone about how increasingly aloof Shige was sounding on the phone. An aloofness that wasn’t hostility, but rather a light, detached friendliness that was probably worse than hostility would have been.
At least hostility meant that the person cared, even if it was in undesirable ways. One could do something with hostility. But nothing could be done about light, detached friendliness. It was neither here nor there; you couldn’t catch hold of it and squeeze something out of it. Shige was a million miles away, and Ryo felt lonelier with every passing day that took Shige even further from him.
He remembered the intensity in Shige’s eyes once, two years ago, when he had woken up from his doze on the bus to find Shige watching him in the rearview mirror. It had only been a few seconds before Shige hurriedly averted his gaze and bent his head over a book, but Ryo couldn’t forget the expression in his eyes. It was as though Shige’s entire life, his entire heart, was bound up completely in him. For the rest of the journey Ryo wondered how long exactly had Shige been looking at him. At that time it made him feel vaguely uncomfortable. Now he would give anything to see that intensity in Shige’s eyes again; or at least hear a note of it in his voice. But somewhere along the way over the past two years, that intensity had given way to a detached friendliness that Shige probably used with everyone he met.
“I think you should tell him,” said Uchi when Ryo called him out of desperation.
“Tell him what?”
“You know, about your feelings for him. You can’t expect him to understand just by placing a couple of phone calls to him every week. More likely he’s bound to think that you’re trying to win him back because you don’t like the thought of not having him around to love you anymore.”
Ryo was appalled. “I think he’s smarter than that.”
“It has nothing to do with how smart you are, Ryo. The fact is, you’ve been giving him crazily one-street signals ever since the time you met.”
“Come again? Your metaphor is too profound.”
“In other words, ever since you met, you’ve been showing him quite clearly that you don’t think of him as anything more than just a group member. If even that, actually. Everyone knew at the beginning that you didn’t even want to be in NEWS. So, you didn’t think of him as anything more than a group member you didn’t want.”
Ryo winced, but continued listening. Uchi sometimes had a way of hitting upon the truth.
“He’s gotten used to that,” Uchi went on, warming up in his analysis. “When he told you it was over, he said you didn’t have to be bothered by it anymore, right? It just shows that he thought his feelings were a hindrance to you. That’s probably why he didn’t do anything for so many years, just stayed in the distance. Probably why he didn’t contact you during the suspension too, even though you were dumb enough not to be able to call him.”
“It would be highly appreciated if you could get to the point already.”
“Fine, you ungrateful bastard. Remember that I’ve thought through this for you.”
Ryo groaned. “Okay, okay. I’m truly grateful from the bottom of my heart. Now please tell me what exactly you’re driving at.”
“So,” Uchi resumed, “now that it’s over, he doesn’t expect you to do anything, because well, you didn’t do anything for four years. But guess what? Suddenly you start inviting him out and calling him every week. Obviously he’s got to be confused. You know Shige, he isn’t exactly bright at catching on to people actually liking him.”
“No, actually I think…” Ryo thought of the group of students milling around Shige, their affection and admiration for him and his casual acknowledgement of it so evident in their laughing faces and chatter. Once again he felt cruelly jealous towards them, and he didn’t really know why.
“Okay, I revise that. Shige isn’t bright at catching on to people in the industry actually liking him. That includes you. So all of a sudden you’re putting up a show that you might actually think more of him than you’ve shown for years, and you haven’t even explained why you’re doing stuff like that, so well. What more can I say? You’ve got to be more aggressive if you want him. More straightforward, in any case.”
“As I would like to but I would prefer not to do it over the phone.”
“Well, it’s that or nothing,” said Uchi shortly. “I ran into Koyama the other day and had a short chat with him. Asked about Shige for your benefit. Apparently Yamapi has been going out with him very frequently, so much so that Koyama said he thought there might be something up between them. He might have been joking, but I don’t think so. You’re somewhere in Japan trying to hold on to him through vague phone calls while he’s being courted by someone else who’s not half as undecided as you. Give it some thought, my friend.”
Ryo didn’t want to believe Uchi. Yamapi and Shige…was ridiculous enough without having to swallow the theory that Shige might be misinterpreting his calls as selfish actions to win back his unrequited love. It couldn’t be.
But now, sitting on the bus on the way back to the hotel with Ohkura sleeping peacefully beside him, he gazed at the headlights of the cars passing along outside and thought of the abrupt way in which Shige often cut off their phone calls. It couldn’t be; and yet it could.
Without even realizing what he was doing, he pulled out his handphone and dialed Shige’s number.
Ring. Ring. Ring ring. Riiiing. Riiiing ring ring.
“…helloo.”
“Hey, it’s me.”
“Nishi…” Shige’s voice trailed off into a yawn. “It’s midnight and I’ve been studying the whole day.”
“I just…” Ryo swallowed. “I just wanted to talk.”
“What?” Shige asked tiredly. “What do you want to talk about, Nishikido-kun?”
Ryo paused and tried to collect his thoughts. It all felt like too much effort and in the end he settled for a simple, “I don’t know.”
“Then maybe we can hang up now?”
“No! No, Shige, I…I have something to ask you, really.”
“What?”
“About…”
There was silence on the other end. Then Shige sighed and a lot of rustling noises told Ryo that he was turning over in bed.
“About that cat of yours. Wagahai.”
“What about him?”
“I haven’t seen him in a long time.”
“I think…” Shige sounded like he was converging with sleep. “The last I know, he’s out travelling the world.”
“Why would he do that? He’s staying with his owner, isn’t he?”
“I don’t know. He didn’t give a reason. Maybe he just got tired of hanging around.” A long, loud yawn. “Ryo, I’m really tired I have to sleep now…I’m going…gone.”
The line disconnected and Ryo leaned his head back on the headrest.
If only, he thought, Wagahai’s smug, furry face would appear around the seat now, he would pull the cat up onto his lap, even give him a welcome hug. But Wagahai was as lost to him as everything else was.
He closed his eyes and tried his hardest to keep his tears as soft as possible so that he would not wake Ohkura.
… …
“Sometimes I don’t understand you,” Koyama complained.
“What don’t you understand about me?” Shige asked, pulling out a transparent umbrella from the rack and deciding that it looked a little dirty compared to the one beside it.
“They’re all the same, Shige.”
“They’re not. That one had a spot on it.”
“A spot won’t make a difference!” Koyama was a bit agitated now.
Shige grinned at him and pulled out another umbrella. “I’ll choose one soon, I promise.”
Koyama muttered.
“So is this what you don’t understand about me?” Shige asked five minutes later when they stood at the traffic light huddled under their umbrellas, shivering slightly in the cold wind.
Koyama sneezed. “What is this?”
“My fussy umbrella selection.”
“Shi…!” Koyama sneezed again and threw him a reproachful look. “Of course not!”
“Then what?” Shige asked. “You don’t just tell someone that you don’t understand them and then don’t offer an explanation.”
“Well…” Koyama was beginning to launch into the desired explanation when the green man lit up and they hurried across the road, hunching shoulders against the wind. Shige pointed to the nearest café and they half flew towards it.
“I…hate…rain,” Koyama gasped.
Shige smiled, shaking the rain drops from his umbrella. “Believe me, so do I.”
“It’s wet and cold and mean and nasty and…”
“Just negative overall.”
“Totally.” Koyama swiped his arm free of droplets.
They both ordered nice warming cups of coffee and sat down by the window, peering out at the rain.
“Ne, Shige.” Koyama wheezed.
“What?”
“The thing I don’t understand about you is Ryo-chan.”
“Nishikido isn’t ‘about’ me!” Shige laughed, shaking his head.
Koyama ignored him. “The thing is, he’s been calling you quite regularly, hasn’t he? I don’t understand what you feel about it.”
Shige stared at him. “Nothing much.”
“Nothing much? But he’s obviously trying to win you back. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted, Ryo-chan trying to win you?”
“No!” Shige snapped, and winced when Koyama jolted at the sharpness of his tone. He rubbed his head in apology. “I’m sorry for snapping. But no, Koyama. I used to want it, but not anymore. Not now.”
Koyama tried not to sound as puzzled as he felt. “Why not now?”
“Because…” Shige paused, tapping his finger against the table slowly and rhythmically. “It seems pretty late, doesn’t it?”
“Late…but the point is that he’s trying now.”
“I don’t know.” Shige gave up tapping and shrugged in a would-be nonchalant way. “Maybe I’ve just become tired of the whole thing, or maybe it doesn’t seem very real to me. Either way, it’s not what I want, truly. I just want us to get along so that being stuck together for hours during filming or photo-taking won’t be too awkward.”
“But all your memories with him? Didn’t you have quite a lot? You used to talk about them sometimes. Lying beside him by that hotel swimming pool…and going out with him on the night of New Year’s…”
Shige gave a little exaggerated sigh. “They’re all past. Ancient history. Deep in the annals of Stupidity, never to be dragged up again. I can’t imagine how I placed such great store by them last time, they weren’t even significant things.”
“I don’t understand you.”
“It’s simple to understand, really. They’re all in the past. There’s no need to think about them anymore. Nothing that happens now can change them.”
Koyama rubbed his nose uncertainly, almost foolishly. “I feel like you’re throwing something away, Shige…”
“Throwing something away, huh?” Shige mulled over it, then smiled. A smile that Koyama did not like in the least because it had nothing of mirth in it. “It’s okay. At least it doesn’t make me sad.”
“But…” Koyama couldn’t argue with that. It was true, Shige didn’t seem sad anymore. “Even if you’re not sad…”
“God, how it used to hurt!” Shige cut him off, laughing. “How funny to think of it now, getting all upset and crying in bed because I couldn’t see him. What a pathetic arse. Loving someone totally screws with one’s mind. But now I’m out of it, I wouldn’t even notice that he’s not around. You should be happy for me, Koyama. It was a huge step to take and I took it and I’m over it now, onto smaller and less difficult steps.”
Koyama didn’t know what to say. It all seemed so wrong.
“Pretty soon, there won’t even be any steps left,” Shige mused. He took a sip of his coffee and grinned. “I think hot coffee is heaven when you’re drinking it in the middle of a storm.”
“I think you should give him another chance, Shige.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s your chance at happiness.”
“There are several chances, Koyama,” said Shige lightly. “Thousands of chances at happiness. I think I’ve already exhausted this one. It didn’t bring me much happiness, remember? It’s time to hunt out other chances.” He smiled again. “Remember to tell me if you see one floating by. Preferably long-haired, intelligent, and doesn’t use half a million emoticons in her text messages.”
Koyama wrapped his fingers around the cup and soaked in its warmth. His lips were pressed tightly together. “As you wish.”
“I do wish.”
He shrugged and looked out of the window at the few straggling, drenched pedestrians outside. Shige was impossible to read during times like this.
… …
Shige was drunk. Ryo could hear it.
“Shige, call a cab and go home…or better still, call Koyama. Ask him to drive you home. For goodness’ sake don’t try to drive.”
“Ryo-chan!” Shige exclaimed, half-laughing. “The chance at happiness. Ryo-chan, the chance at happiness. What bullshit.”
Ryo heard someone else laughing not too far from Shige and he clenched his fists in worry. Who the hell was there with him?
“Shige, I’ll be back in Tokyo tomorrow morning and I don’t want to see you on the headlines lying wasted on the ground robbed of your wallet and drooling like a maniac. So can you please get yourself together to call a cab…”
“He says call a CAB,” Shige said.
“Ryo-chaaaaan.” Ryo could hear the other voice distinctly now and he was almost struck dumb. “Don’t worry! Shige’s in my room with me!”
“Yamapi?”
“I think I should hang up now,” said Shige ominously.
“No wait, Shige…”
“WHY?” Shige practically yelled down the line, and Ryo started so violently that Ohkura threw him a concerned look from the other side of the hotel room. “Why can’t I hang up? Why do you always want to talk to me?”
“Ryo-chaaan, you’re making Shige cry!” Yamapi’s voice floated in.
“Wait, Shige. I want to talk to you because I want to hear your voice. It makes me happy to talk to you. And I want…” Ryo fumbled over his words. “I want to talk to you for as long as possible.”
“Why?”
“Because I love you…”
There was a short silence broken by little sympathetic-sounding noises from Yamapi.
“Shige, please listen to me,” Ryo said, his voice trembling.
“No,” said Shige, sounding strangely muffled. “You don’t. I don’t know what you want or how you’re feeling but I just want you to let me be. Let me be…”
“I can’t let you go…I’m sorry for everything I’ve done but Shige…” Ryo had the distinct feeling that this was not the time when he should be explaining himself, definitely not when Shige and Yamapi were drunk in a room together and obviously not in any mood to listen to him, but he couldn’t stop himself. “I really want to start over with you again. I’ve realised so many things and I know that I love you and I need you to love me back…”
“Don’t say that, Ryo! Don’t make me do that! And don’t lie…” Shige trailed off, then came back again. “Don’t make me do that. Let’s just be. It’s all over. Let it be.”
The phone was grabbed from him and Ryo had to suppress a cry at the back of his throat.
“Ryo-chan.” Yamapi’s voice came over the line. “Don’t make Shige cry anymore, ne? I’m hanging up now.”
He disconnected and Ryo collapsed onto the bed, shaking, and even though Ohkura rushed over and tried to put his arms around him, all he could think of was Shige and Yamapi alone together and Shige crying and saying let it be and don’t lie and don’t make me do that and he didn’t know what to do anymore except lean his head against the mattress and tear at the sheets with his fingers.
Don’t make me do that, don’t make me do that, don’t make me do that.