Comments | szaleniec1000: Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 3 part 2

szaleniec1000

Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 3 part 2

Dec 16, 2011 14:31

It turns out that the Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue is a great place for running.

( Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 3 )

show don't tell, what do you mean it's not awesome, wrong word dammit, conflict be damned, not simultaneous, department of redundancy department, expospeak, anvil of foreshadowing, statute schmatute, pin the semicolon on the monologue, pov!fail, hogwarts school of oratory, fucking self-awareness how does it work, oh dear maths, americanisms in the potterverse, mary sue and gary stu, hermione in name only, o fortuna moment, disembodied dialogue, convention of the psychics, harry potter, badfic:hogwarts too exposed, said bookism, literally stupid, continuity isn't optional, breast fixation, aoc does not work that way, le gros tas de merde, passive voice

Comments 46

tenkai_kujaku December 16 2011, 15:44:48 UTC

I love the stiff dialogue more than anything else, to be honest. WHO in the entire world would say "beverage" instead of "drink"? Or "inconsequential" in *any* sentence?

szaleniec1000 December 16 2011, 16:14:12 UTC

It's not even that they don't talk like real people: they don't talk like Harry Potter characters either. I really don't know how he got it so wrong.

tenkai_kujaku December 16 2011, 16:17:16 UTC

You have to wonder if he actually read the books, or if someone just rapidly explained the main theme and left it at that.

szaleniec1000 December 16 2011, 16:55:40 UTC

The only clues I found searching for dialogue on the Yahoo group were a few people complimenting him on how his dialogue is so much better than theirs (may I never read anything they write) and this telling quote:

I depend on dialogue to tell much of the story

... I'd noticed.

Thread 6

sith_droideka December 16 2011, 18:53:25 UTC

It's really, really glaringly obvious that an American wrote this. Makes me embarrassed for my own country.

duster December 16 2011, 19:48:44 UTC

He's going to milk this disturbing yet boring as hell overly sexual naked teen subplot for all it's worth, isn't he?

And Fluffy sounds like a bad daytime talkshow baby name

szaleniec1000 December 16 2011, 20:57:01 UTC

According to Yahoo, he intended the summer holidays to be over in a single chapter. Obviously got carried away. D:

sickbritkid2 December 16 2011, 20:41:24 UTC

“If only it were only four miles, that’s just the first part.” Jamie said ominously.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Y73sPHKxw

...

Nope, that doesn't work, either.

sickbritkid2 December 16 2011, 21:04:05 UTC

Emily face turned a ghastly white as she shouted, “She can’t; she just can’t! Jamie you have to win! You have to beat Roz!” Emily clutched her hand to her mouth and ran to the bathroom.

I love the incredibly natural and seemless dialogue-to-action transition! /sarcasm

Neil's vomiting fetish = confirmed.

GODDAMNIT!!

szaleniec1000 December 16 2011, 21:14:14 UTC

Also, she regurgitates her breakfast twice. I've no idea how that works.

sickbritkid2 December 16 2011, 21:24:28 UTC

Wait, what? When did that happen?

Then again, I comment as I read the chapter. It's my own way of contributing to the sporking.

szaleniec1000 December 16 2011, 21:26:47 UTC

I had to reread to make sure, but she's described as regurgitating her breakfast the second time she throws up and isn't shown to have eaten in between. Continuity isn't Neil's strong suit, is it?

Thread 6