Deserving Chapter 49
Happy belated birthday, fly_buggy_fly !
Chapter 49 is the last chapter of Deserving posted so far, and I don't know if/when it'll be finished. It was posted in November so who knows. All snark aside, speaking as a person rather than a reviewer, I honestly hope the author is okay.
Harry arrived at work to find Kingsley in frenzy. “They can’t do this. They just can’t. Hermione tell me that there is something we can do about this. Please!”
“The pictures are indeed illegal,” said a hesitant Hermione.
“The pictures!” cried Kingsley. “The pictures are not what worry me. How can they even think of doing this to my Nicky?”
Hermione wished she had some encouraging words for Kingsley who was pacing from one end of the office to the other with the pictures in one hand and the decree in the other.
Despite the typically fluid POV, we've no idea what's going on here.
“Harry, you’ve heard,” said Kingsley approaching him with desperation written all over his face.
“Calm down, Kings. That can’t be true. Right Hermione?” he said turning to the witch who was pulling on her fingers. She obviously did not know the answer.
“Harry, they used illegal pictures to prove that the children were threats,” she said trying to explain.
If the pictures are illegal, how were "they" able to use them without getting busted for it?
Kingsley trusted the pictures into Harry’s hands. Harry stared down at them to see Nicky and Richard on their brooms hovering over the pond in Kingsley’s backyard. Harry could not understand how an innocent picture like this could have caused any commotion.
This is Deserving. Commotion is the natural state of the universe. It's why we have Kingsley foghorning away in every scene he's in rather than being the calm, controlled guy he is in canon.
He looked at Hermione.
“Those brooms are hovering way over six inches,” she explained.
So?
Serena, Harry thought.
"Can't have," Hagrid said, his voice shaking. "Can't nothing interfere with a broomstick except powerful Dark magic - no kid could do that to a Nimbus Two Thousand." (Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, page 140)
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Serena is an epic Sue. Remember she's not even a year old yet.
“How is that possible!” exclaimed Kingsley.
An exclamation mark signifies that something's being exclaimed! Who knew?
“Rita Skeeta,” Harry concluded.
Rita Skeeter isn't a photographer.
Hermione shook her head. “I don’t think so, Harry. She knows I can destroy her, but I don’t doubt that Single has stooped to these types of illegal procedures to get what he wants. Harry, how could they have been flying so high? Single is claiming that the dark magic in them is so strong at this young age that it would be ludicrous to enhance their magic with a formal education.”
So instead they just let them rampage around without any guidance or supervision. Single is holding this chapter's idiot ball. Also, broomsticks aren't dependent on the rider's magical power in any case. If they were, then Hermione would be a better broom rider than Harry, Ron and Draco.
“Mate, where are you going?” said Ron catching up with Harry.
“Where else? Hogwarts,” said Harry not stopping to converse.
***
But as he reached to floo he spotted Severus with Neville coming out of one of the opening. Severus was the first to react.
If you're going to begin the next paragraph with a conjunction (if you really must) you don't need the section break. Also, we get that Harry isn't stopping to converse from the fact that he doesn't stop to converse: you don't have to tell us as well.
“Sss,” but then thought better
Snape is a Parseltongue in this fic. Which puts a whole new spin on the "little snakes" thing.
Harry’s resolve came back in full force and he turned and entered the floo. “Do not worry about that. It will not happen. I can assure you of that.”
“Harry that is why I came…” but Severus’ words met an empty floo. Harry was determined.
One by one they apparated at the gates of Hogwarts trying to keep up with Harry who was like a charging bull. No one nor nothing stood in his path.
Apparated? I thought they were using the Floo? Which apparently emerges outside the gates of Hogwarts rather than at, you know, a fireplace.
At the headmistress office they were greeted by a gruesome scene. Two pages had been ripped from the book of Hogwarts and were crumbled on the floor.
So gruesome it justifies the fic's Adult+ rating all by itself. (Which in itself is worrying: given what we've seen in for instance Chapters 15, 40 and 48, what would the author consider Adult++ to be?) How about we're shown rather than told the gruesomeness?
Harry whipped out his wand at once and the rest followed suit.
“You’ve gone too far Single,” shouted Harry aiming his wand.
“Have I?” he said turning to the other Ministry Officials that were present.
This is the first indication of Single and the Ministry officials being present in the scene.
“I am quite sure I have acted within the law. Our laws. If that still means anything to you.”
Severus and Minerva looked at each other and rolled their eyes. Foolish wizards. Don’t they know anything about Hogwarts? Severus approached the book.
“How dare you come near a sacred book as this one?” said Single with gritted teeth.
You do realise he used to be the Headmaster, right? Also, if it's that sacred why has he torn pages out of it?
Hermione shrugged and then picked up the crumple paper. There in her hand was an exact copy of the page in the book. She looked up at the headmistress trying to understand what her eyes were seeing.
“Harry, it seems Single try to rip the page out but the book produced another copy,” was Hermione’s only possible assessment.
“This is what I have been trying to explain,” said Severus, “No law can govern Hogwarts. Believe me the ministry has always tried but the castle will not obey. This is not the first time the ministry has tried to keep a child’s name from the book. The ministry has even tried to put names in but to no avail. The admitting and denial of students is totally up to the castle.”
Okay, this is quite cool.
Kings approached the book and turning the page until he found Nicky’s name in the book as well. They all looked at Sly expecting him to do the same but Sly knew he could not let Single know that he had a son, a son with a woman that was Marked.
The POV switches from Kingsley to everyone to Sly in the space of two sentences. Even by Deserving standards, this is bad.
Severus understood first and cleared his throat bringing everyone back to their senses. But it was too late. It seemed that Single picked up on how everyone was expecting Sly to look in the book.
“Mr. Sly,” said Single with calculated caution. “Would you like to look up a name also?”
Not so much of an idiot all of a sudden.
“Professor, do the children have magic?” asked Hermione.
“Mione, what kind of a dumb question is that?” Ron chastised.
Nowhere near as dumb as that nickname.
“Well, their parents didn’t have magic when they were born so…”
... so that doesn't matter because magic is genetic in the Potterverse. What she's proposing here is equivalent to saying that a rat with its tail cut off is going to give birth to a litter of tailless rats.
“Ron, only the birthing parent didn’t have magic,” said Hermione cutting into Ron’s thought. “And besides there are plenty of us muggle born walking around the corridors of Hogwarts.”
“Mrs. Weasley…”
“Severus, please call her Hermione,” interjected Harry “I keep on turning to look for Mrs. Weasley.”
I was getting confused myself.
“Not while I have a wand and you don’t,” said Ron with a straight poker face that soon turned to a grin.
I HATE THAT YOU HAVE A WAND!
Two months had gone by and Severus had not found a way to give the children their magic.
And nothing else happened anywhere in the world either.
“Papa, can I take my broom?” asked Richard looking up at Severus.
“I do not think it to be a good idea. The Petri children cannot ride it and it would be unkind to have them just staring at you while you are entertained,” explained Severus.
Why can't they ride a broom? What's going on with the broomsticks in this universe that they're so dependent on the rider's magic?
This made Harry think back on all the play dates that they had had with the Petri children. And in an aha moment
Another one?
he whispered. “They have magic.”
I see, so the dependence of the brooms on their magical potential was A Clue.
Richard’s broom was a toy broom and was not supposed to fly more than six inches above the ground. He looked at his husband for an explanation. Severus turned his gazed to the culprit; Serena.
Haven't we already had this? Minus the explanation of just what's so significant about the six inches, anyway. Somehow a not even one year old child is able to work what is per canon "powerful Dark magic".
When the Potter family reached the Petri household they found Ron and Hugo waiting for them. The Petri had invited both Aurors and their children to the play date. The children went directly to the yard to play. Meanwhile Severus went into the kitchen to help Mark Rogers and try to get some information from him. Mark explained that the witch had never given the children any potions and that he was not aware of the fact that other children did not have magic. He did say that the old witch had tended to both his birthing. Severus asked if he could possibly speak to the witch and Mark went outside and got his husband.
Carl Petri took Severus to see Wanda and Severus recognized her at once. He could not believe that the woman was still alive. She had visited the school once and Dumbledore had explained that she had been his teacher but retired the year Dumbledore began at Hogwarts. How old could this witch be? Thought Severus.
This isn't a narrative; it's a summary. I must say the author missed the opportunity for a real groaner by having neither of her two characters called Mark (Sly and Rogers) be Marked Ones.
“The Petri children have magic,” he abruptly said.
“Your own children have magic also,” she grinned at him again. “Serena, is it? Yes, I do not believe you have helped but notice that she has magic.”
I can't help but notice that a child who's not even a year old is canon-bustingly arsing around with broomsticks either.
“Severus Snape,” she said. “I do think I can give you a gift.”
He turned to look at her and she was holding up a potion.
“From my personal stash,” she said as if gifting him with pure gold.
It took him but a second to realize that she had given him a vial of Veritaserum. Foolish old hag. He could make this potion with his hands tied behind his back and blindfolded.
I don't know, do you suppose she's trying to give you a hint?
“So… nothing?” Harry asked again.
Severus shook his head and showed him the vial.
“What is it?” asked Ron.
“Veritaserum,” enunciated Severus obviously upset at the fact that his former student did not know this.
Severus is surprised that Ron was no good at Potions?
Harry and Ron gave each other a tomfoolery look and chuckled. Then Harry turned to his husband. “This is going to make things much easier and the great part about it is that you had nothing to do with the making of the potion so no one can accuse you of anything,” he said pecking his husband on the cheek and following Ron out to the garden gate. Severus watched baffled as they disappeared.
***
It was way pass midnight when Harry came home. Severus took his cloak and waited for Harry to tell him what had happened.
“Well, it’s like we had suspected all along, St. Mongos was sabotaging the children’s magic. And what is worst they knew what they were doing.”
We don't actually get to see this confrontation. The choice to omit it would make sense if the author was sticking to Severus' POV throughout, but of course she's not.
“The children are not marked,” Severus argued.
“They gave the same potion they had used to extract the Marked Ones magic to the expecting parent at every visit. Low doses of course. They had no idea how this was going to affect the fetus.”
Yes, this does make more sense than the Lamarckian stuff that's been proposed up to this point. Yet it took Harry's off-screen use of Veritaserum on persons unknown for it to actually occur to anyone. I'd wonder whether it's a retcon introduced after someone pointed it out, except that the reviews seem completely oblivious of any kind of problem with the fic. It's like they all come from Star Trek's mirror universe and are reading a version of Deserving with well-crafted prose, a consistent POV and a tasteful handling of mature themes. There's the occasional in-passing mention of POV!fail, and the odd rant when she pulled the Neville/Severus switcheroo, but that's it.
Harry pondered these words. Severus needed his strong dominate mate. It had been a while since Severus had needed to submit. Harry thought he had done a great job at whining Severus from this need.
He does do a lot of whining, but still.
Severus was feeling impotent. There was nothing he could do to help his little snakes
This juxtaposition nearly made me fall off my chair. I guess Harry's condition is catching.
Severus closed his eyes in frustration. He did not know what he needed. Pain, perhaps?
And thrust.
Harry was stunned. Severus had never asked for his magic nor his wand. The wand had laid there for years without either one of them giving it a second glance. Snape was desperate. Someone had hurt his little snakes and was going to walk free.
I can kind of see what the author is trying to go for with the POV!fail paragraphs like this. For it to work, there needs to be a strong narrative voice which you're not going to get from someone who admits up front to not being confident with narration.
“After I murdered Dumbledore,” said Severus with a slur in his voice and turning to face Harry.
Severus is drunk, apparently.
“Look, I know you left and that you came back out of your own free will. But look how well you did when you didn’t have me. Your potion making abilities alone can set you for life. You are only doing a couple of special orders a month and you Gringot’s account is doubling every ten weeks. You don’t need me.”
He's going to own the entire wizarding world after a few time skips.
Continued...
Chapter 49 is the last chapter of Deserving posted so far, and I don't know if/when it'll be finished. It was posted in November so who knows. All snark aside, speaking as a person rather than a reviewer, I honestly hope the author is okay.
Harry arrived at work to find Kingsley in frenzy. “They can’t do this. They just can’t. Hermione tell me that there is something we can do about this. Please!”
“The pictures are indeed illegal,” said a hesitant Hermione.
“The pictures!” cried Kingsley. “The pictures are not what worry me. How can they even think of doing this to my Nicky?”
Hermione wished she had some encouraging words for Kingsley who was pacing from one end of the office to the other with the pictures in one hand and the decree in the other.
Despite the typically fluid POV, we've no idea what's going on here.
“Harry, you’ve heard,” said Kingsley approaching him with desperation written all over his face.
“Calm down, Kings. That can’t be true. Right Hermione?” he said turning to the witch who was pulling on her fingers. She obviously did not know the answer.
“Harry, they used illegal pictures to prove that the children were threats,” she said trying to explain.
If the pictures are illegal, how were "they" able to use them without getting busted for it?
Kingsley trusted the pictures into Harry’s hands. Harry stared down at them to see Nicky and Richard on their brooms hovering over the pond in Kingsley’s backyard. Harry could not understand how an innocent picture like this could have caused any commotion.
This is Deserving. Commotion is the natural state of the universe. It's why we have Kingsley foghorning away in every scene he's in rather than being the calm, controlled guy he is in canon.
He looked at Hermione.
“Those brooms are hovering way over six inches,” she explained.
So?
Serena, Harry thought.
"Can't have," Hagrid said, his voice shaking. "Can't nothing interfere with a broomstick except powerful Dark magic - no kid could do that to a Nimbus Two Thousand." (Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, page 140)
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Serena is an epic Sue. Remember she's not even a year old yet.
“How is that possible!” exclaimed Kingsley.
An exclamation mark signifies that something's being exclaimed! Who knew?
“Rita Skeeta,” Harry concluded.
Rita Skeeter isn't a photographer.
Hermione shook her head. “I don’t think so, Harry. She knows I can destroy her, but I don’t doubt that Single has stooped to these types of illegal procedures to get what he wants. Harry, how could they have been flying so high? Single is claiming that the dark magic in them is so strong at this young age that it would be ludicrous to enhance their magic with a formal education.”
So instead they just let them rampage around without any guidance or supervision. Single is holding this chapter's idiot ball. Also, broomsticks aren't dependent on the rider's magical power in any case. If they were, then Hermione would be a better broom rider than Harry, Ron and Draco.
“Mate, where are you going?” said Ron catching up with Harry.
“Where else? Hogwarts,” said Harry not stopping to converse.
***
But as he reached to floo he spotted Severus with Neville coming out of one of the opening. Severus was the first to react.
If you're going to begin the next paragraph with a conjunction (if you really must) you don't need the section break. Also, we get that Harry isn't stopping to converse from the fact that he doesn't stop to converse: you don't have to tell us as well.
“Sss,” but then thought better
Snape is a Parseltongue in this fic. Which puts a whole new spin on the "little snakes" thing.
Harry’s resolve came back in full force and he turned and entered the floo. “Do not worry about that. It will not happen. I can assure you of that.”
“Harry that is why I came…” but Severus’ words met an empty floo. Harry was determined.
One by one they apparated at the gates of Hogwarts trying to keep up with Harry who was like a charging bull. No one nor nothing stood in his path.
Apparated? I thought they were using the Floo? Which apparently emerges outside the gates of Hogwarts rather than at, you know, a fireplace.
At the headmistress office they were greeted by a gruesome scene. Two pages had been ripped from the book of Hogwarts and were crumbled on the floor.
So gruesome it justifies the fic's Adult+ rating all by itself. (Which in itself is worrying: given what we've seen in for instance Chapters 15, 40 and 48, what would the author consider Adult++ to be?) How about we're shown rather than told the gruesomeness?
Harry whipped out his wand at once and the rest followed suit.
“You’ve gone too far Single,” shouted Harry aiming his wand.
“Have I?” he said turning to the other Ministry Officials that were present.
This is the first indication of Single and the Ministry officials being present in the scene.
“I am quite sure I have acted within the law. Our laws. If that still means anything to you.”
Severus and Minerva looked at each other and rolled their eyes. Foolish wizards. Don’t they know anything about Hogwarts? Severus approached the book.
“How dare you come near a sacred book as this one?” said Single with gritted teeth.
You do realise he used to be the Headmaster, right? Also, if it's that sacred why has he torn pages out of it?
Hermione shrugged and then picked up the crumple paper. There in her hand was an exact copy of the page in the book. She looked up at the headmistress trying to understand what her eyes were seeing.
“Harry, it seems Single try to rip the page out but the book produced another copy,” was Hermione’s only possible assessment.
“This is what I have been trying to explain,” said Severus, “No law can govern Hogwarts. Believe me the ministry has always tried but the castle will not obey. This is not the first time the ministry has tried to keep a child’s name from the book. The ministry has even tried to put names in but to no avail. The admitting and denial of students is totally up to the castle.”
Okay, this is quite cool.
Kings approached the book and turning the page until he found Nicky’s name in the book as well. They all looked at Sly expecting him to do the same but Sly knew he could not let Single know that he had a son, a son with a woman that was Marked.
The POV switches from Kingsley to everyone to Sly in the space of two sentences. Even by Deserving standards, this is bad.
Severus understood first and cleared his throat bringing everyone back to their senses. But it was too late. It seemed that Single picked up on how everyone was expecting Sly to look in the book.
“Mr. Sly,” said Single with calculated caution. “Would you like to look up a name also?”
Not so much of an idiot all of a sudden.
“Professor, do the children have magic?” asked Hermione.
“Mione, what kind of a dumb question is that?” Ron chastised.
Nowhere near as dumb as that nickname.
“Well, their parents didn’t have magic when they were born so…”
... so that doesn't matter because magic is genetic in the Potterverse. What she's proposing here is equivalent to saying that a rat with its tail cut off is going to give birth to a litter of tailless rats.
“Ron, only the birthing parent didn’t have magic,” said Hermione cutting into Ron’s thought. “And besides there are plenty of us muggle born walking around the corridors of Hogwarts.”
“Mrs. Weasley…”
“Severus, please call her Hermione,” interjected Harry “I keep on turning to look for Mrs. Weasley.”
I was getting confused myself.
“Not while I have a wand and you don’t,” said Ron with a straight poker face that soon turned to a grin.
I HATE THAT YOU HAVE A WAND!
Two months had gone by and Severus had not found a way to give the children their magic.
And nothing else happened anywhere in the world either.
“Papa, can I take my broom?” asked Richard looking up at Severus.
“I do not think it to be a good idea. The Petri children cannot ride it and it would be unkind to have them just staring at you while you are entertained,” explained Severus.
Why can't they ride a broom? What's going on with the broomsticks in this universe that they're so dependent on the rider's magic?
This made Harry think back on all the play dates that they had had with the Petri children. And in an aha moment
Another one?
he whispered. “They have magic.”
I see, so the dependence of the brooms on their magical potential was A Clue.
Richard’s broom was a toy broom and was not supposed to fly more than six inches above the ground. He looked at his husband for an explanation. Severus turned his gazed to the culprit; Serena.
Haven't we already had this? Minus the explanation of just what's so significant about the six inches, anyway. Somehow a not even one year old child is able to work what is per canon "powerful Dark magic".
When the Potter family reached the Petri household they found Ron and Hugo waiting for them. The Petri had invited both Aurors and their children to the play date. The children went directly to the yard to play. Meanwhile Severus went into the kitchen to help Mark Rogers and try to get some information from him. Mark explained that the witch had never given the children any potions and that he was not aware of the fact that other children did not have magic. He did say that the old witch had tended to both his birthing. Severus asked if he could possibly speak to the witch and Mark went outside and got his husband.
Carl Petri took Severus to see Wanda and Severus recognized her at once. He could not believe that the woman was still alive. She had visited the school once and Dumbledore had explained that she had been his teacher but retired the year Dumbledore began at Hogwarts. How old could this witch be? Thought Severus.
This isn't a narrative; it's a summary. I must say the author missed the opportunity for a real groaner by having neither of her two characters called Mark (Sly and Rogers) be Marked Ones.
“The Petri children have magic,” he abruptly said.
“Your own children have magic also,” she grinned at him again. “Serena, is it? Yes, I do not believe you have helped but notice that she has magic.”
I can't help but notice that a child who's not even a year old is canon-bustingly arsing around with broomsticks either.
“Severus Snape,” she said. “I do think I can give you a gift.”
He turned to look at her and she was holding up a potion.
“From my personal stash,” she said as if gifting him with pure gold.
It took him but a second to realize that she had given him a vial of Veritaserum. Foolish old hag. He could make this potion with his hands tied behind his back and blindfolded.
I don't know, do you suppose she's trying to give you a hint?
“So… nothing?” Harry asked again.
Severus shook his head and showed him the vial.
“What is it?” asked Ron.
“Veritaserum,” enunciated Severus obviously upset at the fact that his former student did not know this.
Severus is surprised that Ron was no good at Potions?
Harry and Ron gave each other a tomfoolery look and chuckled. Then Harry turned to his husband. “This is going to make things much easier and the great part about it is that you had nothing to do with the making of the potion so no one can accuse you of anything,” he said pecking his husband on the cheek and following Ron out to the garden gate. Severus watched baffled as they disappeared.
***
It was way pass midnight when Harry came home. Severus took his cloak and waited for Harry to tell him what had happened.
“Well, it’s like we had suspected all along, St. Mongos was sabotaging the children’s magic. And what is worst they knew what they were doing.”
We don't actually get to see this confrontation. The choice to omit it would make sense if the author was sticking to Severus' POV throughout, but of course she's not.
“The children are not marked,” Severus argued.
“They gave the same potion they had used to extract the Marked Ones magic to the expecting parent at every visit. Low doses of course. They had no idea how this was going to affect the fetus.”
Yes, this does make more sense than the Lamarckian stuff that's been proposed up to this point. Yet it took Harry's off-screen use of Veritaserum on persons unknown for it to actually occur to anyone. I'd wonder whether it's a retcon introduced after someone pointed it out, except that the reviews seem completely oblivious of any kind of problem with the fic. It's like they all come from Star Trek's mirror universe and are reading a version of Deserving with well-crafted prose, a consistent POV and a tasteful handling of mature themes. There's the occasional in-passing mention of POV!fail, and the odd rant when she pulled the Neville/Severus switcheroo, but that's it.
Harry pondered these words. Severus needed his strong dominate mate. It had been a while since Severus had needed to submit. Harry thought he had done a great job at whining Severus from this need.
He does do a lot of whining, but still.
Severus was feeling impotent. There was nothing he could do to help his little snakes
This juxtaposition nearly made me fall off my chair. I guess Harry's condition is catching.
Severus closed his eyes in frustration. He did not know what he needed. Pain, perhaps?
And thrust.
Harry was stunned. Severus had never asked for his magic nor his wand. The wand had laid there for years without either one of them giving it a second glance. Snape was desperate. Someone had hurt his little snakes and was going to walk free.
I can kind of see what the author is trying to go for with the POV!fail paragraphs like this. For it to work, there needs to be a strong narrative voice which you're not going to get from someone who admits up front to not being confident with narration.
“After I murdered Dumbledore,” said Severus with a slur in his voice and turning to face Harry.
Severus is drunk, apparently.
“Look, I know you left and that you came back out of your own free will. But look how well you did when you didn’t have me. Your potion making abilities alone can set you for life. You are only doing a couple of special orders a month and you Gringot’s account is doubling every ten weeks. You don’t need me.”
He's going to own the entire wizarding world after a few time skips.
Continued...