Punishments (1/2) (.001)

[swshawnee]

Title: Punishments
Pairing: Hanchul, Eunhae, very minor onesided!sihan, Kangteuk if you really squint.
Rating: PG-13 for this chapter
Genre: Drama / Romance / Angst / Comfort / Bandfic
Summary: Hankyung is the observer of Super Junior.
Wordcount: 10,094


A/N:
Okay... Here's a whole bunch of Super Junior feels.
This is basically everything I know about Super Junior pressed into one fic, with Hankyung serving as the observer of Super Junior. Written from his perspective, this chapter takes you from the moment Hankyung leaves for China to sign with SM, to the moments before Super Junior's first debut stage with Twins (Knock Out).
The next part is going to be from their debut stage, to when Hankyung goes back to China again. I... think. There might have to be more parts, cause it gets really long! Aoohh!
I wrote this today for about 9 hours straight, I forgot to have dinner and shower OTL but I just really need to post this before I do anything else. Unbetad. Okay.
And just to get everything straight. I love Super Junior and all the members. Enjoy reading.
fsjalagsjak and augh fuck now that I'm trying to post it's too big! WAH! So yes the first chapter will have to be 2 parts then T_T bleh

The days with Super Junior are so busy that he barely has time to think of his childhood, and so he forgets a lot. One of Hankyung's earliest memories is playing soccer after school in China. He doesn't particularly like playing the game as much as he enjoys watching it, but he does it because that's what all his friends do.

It's spring, early summer, and it's still not very warm outside, so he's wearing a thick shirt that he got from his mother a week earlier. As he runs towards the opposite team's goal with his teammates, he stretches one of his arms up in the air to get his hand out of the sleeve, and suddenly the ball comes flying towards him and hits him on the hand.

"Hands!" yells the opposite team, "free kick!", but Hankyung shakes his head.

"No" he says, and everyone else argues with him. "But I didn't mean to touch it with my hand... I wasn't trying to cheat" he tries to reason, but the trainer and the rest of the boys argue that it's still a foul. The free kick is quickly set up by the enthusiastic, competitive boys in the other team. "Why should I get punished for something I didn't mean to do?" he asks his one true friend when they cower in the back, but his friend just shakes his head.

A goal is scored a few seconds after the free kick. Hankyung leaves the football team the next day, telling his friend how none of the rules of the game make sense to him. Not long after, he finds dancing - and it fills him up at once, the movements, the emotion, the precision. There are rules as there are always, but these make sense to Hankyung.

Most importantly, there are no punishments.

He's 19 years old when he leaves for Korea. He auditioned for SM Entertainment spontaneously and because he had nothing else to do. The shock when he found out that he's the one chosen out of 3000 auditioners was enough to make him forget he had knees.

He practically flew home to tell his mother and father, "mom, dad, they want me in Korea! They chose me!" and the initial reaction from his parents was disbelief.

"What are you talking about? Are you being serious?" and his excitement faded to grey in the edges.

"Yes, they chose me. They want me to go to Korea." He told them the story of the phone call and a letter that would soon arrive to confirm the news, and his mother and father finally believed him. They lit up, shone, and Hankyung's enthusiasm came back at full speed. His parents were proud, and so was he, but that's only when the real problems began.

"You're really going to go?" his mother asked, and Hankyung could do nothing but frown. Of course he would go; he was the chosen one out of 3000 auditioners. How could he not go? "But you don't know any Korean" came the next argument, "how are you gonna make it over in Korea without knowing the language? And what about money?"

"They'll give me money. It's not much, but I can survive on it. All the trainees do. And I can learn Korean." He said it with an anger he was not used to using on his parents, and that he will remember for the rest of his life. He felt the competitiveness that he'd missed his whole life flare up inside of him; finally he had found something he was willing to fight for.

And that was what settled it for him. He had to go.

He learns the basics of Korean quickly once he's there. His teachers praise him for his quick learning, but once he's able to hold a conversation, he stops trying so hard, and his improvement slows down greatly. He doesn't care so much.

One of the first people he meets is Heenim. He's loud, enthusiastic and has a good singing voice, but he is hopeless in groups. He thinks quickly and talks even quicker, and for some reason he hangs around Hankyung more than anyone else.

At first, Hankyung thinks it will be good to have a friend around, someone who doesn't care so much about the fact that he's a foreigner. Heenim has a lot of friends - to Hankyung it seems like he knows just about everyone - but sometimes when they're all together, Heenim will direct a question to Hankyung, who will then start stuttering out heavily Chinese accented Korean, and sometimes Heenim's friends will laugh at him. Hankyung knows boys his age aren't always saints, and before he left for Korea he had even entertained the risk that he would become bullied once he was there, but even though he's a little prepared, he can't stop the rising redness and the feeling of absolute humiliation at their laughs.

But that's when Heenim says "shut up, guys, he's a foreigner, you try doing what he does in Chinese!" and everyone falls silent.

It doesn't take long until Heenim has all his friends whipped into treating Hankyung well, even though they barely even know each other, and soon he has to move in with all the other trainees.

He finds out the names of them all, and he struggles hard to remember them as words that sound so foreign to him. He befriends Jungsu; one of the very eldest trainees and one of those that have been there the longest.

"We might debut in the same group" Jungsu says to him one day, "so learn Korean quickly, okay?"

Hankyung sighs and nods. He likes Jungsu, who's friendly, protective, slightly narcissistic and obsessive about attention, but he wishes everyone would stop pestering him about learning Korean quickly.

He starts getting hip hop dance lessons. Even though he's very experienced in dancing, he's never tried the hip hop style before, and has to begin in Class C: the lowest class for dancing. If he is to be honest, he can't believe he has to be in the lowest class; he knows he has a lot more talent than that. Heenim sees the frustration in his eyes, and he says "don't look so offended by having to dance with the rest of us cripples, I feel like I have to take offense from your offense."

Hankyung stares at him blankly, barely understanding a word of what he said.

"You'll get there" Heenim clarifies. Hankyung believes him, but he wishes it will be soon.

Even though Heenim defends him when there are other people around, he's an almost completely different person when they're alone. When Hankyung stutters he will punch him on the shoulder asking "what's the matter, didn't go to Korean class today?" and Hankyung will fall silent in absolute shock. "Learn how to speak properly" Heenim says to him, and Hankyung wishes will as his might that he could talk back, get words out that say something more than just a punch in the face.

He buries himself in his Korean books in class, flipping through pages looking for a comeback that could shut Heenim up, and quickly. His workbooks don’t really cover curses and verbal hostility, but still, he searches with all his might.

Next time Heenim mocks him, he yells out "I study every day! What's your problem?!"

Heenim turns to him with the biggest smile Hankyung has ever seen on his face, and he says "so you really are trying? And because of me? Here I was thinking you weren't." Hankyung stares at him. Heenim's cockiness was not the reaction he had expected.

"Why do you hang around me so much?" Hankyung asks him, and Heenim looks at him, almost challengingly. He says something quickly and silently, mumbles it, and Hankyung doesn't understand. "What does that mean?" he asks, but Heenim shakes his head.

"I'll tell you when you've studied more."

So, he does just that.

Heenim also introduces him - though, somewhat reluctantly - to a trainee in Class A: Yunho. Yunho has been in SM two years longer than Heenim and three years longer than Hankyung, and his dancing is so good that Hankyung can't help but feel intimidated. He's two years younger than Hankyung, and yet he's come so much further. Hankyung feels the first sliver of regret slip through.

Yunho and Heenim introduce him to Jaejoong. Jaejoong sings like angel and practically never leaves Yunho's side; almost like Heenim tends to stick to Hankyung. Heenim tells him in confidence that Jaejoong, Yunho, Heenim and a fourth trainee who Hankyung has only met a few times, named Youngwoon, are set to debut together. Their group is to be called 'four seasons', in which each member represents one season. Heenim is to stand for the winter.

Hankyung thinks they couldn't be more wrong, and it definitely doesn't have anything to do with the fact that is heart is breaking because his friends are debuting without him.

He thinks that if maybe he could up his dancing and his Korean quickly enough, they'd rethink the concept or replace Youngwoon with him. It's a horrible, horrible thought, but he can't deny his wish to debut with Heenim, Yunho and Jaejoong. He feels with his entire being how good they could be together, the sheer talent that would just explode if the four of them could get to do their own thing. There is Yunho who dances like a God, and Hankyung knows that if he only hurries, he can be as great as Yunho is. Then there's Jaejoong and Heenim with the golden vocals, and together they will have it all. He just knows it, and he has to hurry.

So, he starts spending all of his time in the dance studio. He meets Hyukjae and Donghae, the only people except for Yunho who are in dance Class A. He doesn't know how to talk to them at first, since they don't seem to know how to talk to him, either. After watching them silently from a corner as they dance together, he finally musters up the courage to ask if he could join them. Donghae is all smiles and enthusiasm that unlike with Jungsu is hidden under some kind of shyness, and Hankyung watches his moves seeing how hard he has worked to get where he is. Hyukjae, on the other hand, is more like Hankyung, all feeling and intuition and talent. He's also less accommodating, and at first doesn't speak to him as much as Donghae does.

He participates eagerly in teaching Hankyung a routine that the two have been working on, though, and Hankyung feels surprisingly calm in their company.

"I think they're gonna set a date anytime now" Heenim says to Hankyung one day. Even though he's really tried harder to learn Korean lately, he doesn't quite understand what Heenim means.

"A date for what?"

"A date for Four Seasons' debut" Heenim says calmly, as if it's nothing. Hankyung can only stare. "They keep telling us it's almost finished planning, that we can debut soon."

Hankyung mumbles a "that's great" and something that resembles an "I hope it goes well", but later in the dorm he sits on his bed and stares at the floor for hours. He's just about to get moved up from dance Class C to Class B, and he's been studying Korean until his head ached every day, but he should have known it wasn't enough.

He lies down when he hears steps nearing, hides under the covers and pretends to be asleep.

"Hankyung? We're going out to eat, would you like to come?" Jaejoong's voice is soothing as always, and Hankyung can't help but want to join. But being in their company would do nothing but fuel his heartbreak and feeling of failure, so he lies completely still. "Hankyung, are you awake?" Hankyung holds his breath, and eventually Jaejoong leaves.

He feels guilty for ignoring him, Jaejoong who is actually what he would see as his best friend if there wasn't Heenim, but he can't help it. All he wants to do is go back to China.

Four Seasons still haven't received their debut date when Hankyung's dance teacher tells him that he's about to move up from Class C. Hankyung smiles dejectedly, glad to move out from the practice room with so many people in it dancing so badly, but not as happy as he wishes he would be. But he also knows he won't be that happy until somebody tells him that Youngwoon is out of Four Seasons and he is in.

"You've improved so quickly lately that we can skip Class B and go directly to Class A" his dance teacher tells him, and Hankyung lights up.

"Really?" he chokes out, "I get to learn with Yunho, Donghae and Hyukjae?"

His teacher nods proudly. "With Donghae and Hyukjae, sure, but Yunho won't be around that much anymore."

Hankyung's light immediately dies down. "Why? Are Four Seasons debuting?" There's a painful weight in his stomach as he wonders why his friends hasn't told him. Has a debut date really been set, and they've all left him out of the loop? Would Heenim really do that to him?

"Not Four Seasons. Dongbangshinki" His teacher corrects him.

Hankyung frowns. "Dongbangshinki?" he asks, wondering if he's heard right. "Is that their new name?"

"It's a new group." The teacher throws a towel over his sweaty shoulder and starts walking towards a box of water bottles in a corner of the dance studio.

"Who" Hankyung stutters, immediately following, "who are the members?" The entire room of trainees are there listening, but he couldn't care less.

"Let's see" his teacher says, crouching down to pick up a bottle, "it's Jung Yunho, Kim Jaejoong, Kim Junsu, Shim Changmin and... Park Yoochun."

Hankyung imagines his heart pushing its way up his throat and out of his mouth to sing a song. "What about Heenim and Youngwoon? Aren't they going to debut? When did this all happen?" he asks excitedly, his words barely understandable to the rest of the room.

"I honestly don't know" says the teacher, stepping back to the front of the room. "I guess there's been a change of plans. It was decided this morning. Now, can we get back to class? You can leave if you want, Hankyung. You'll be notified when it's time for practice with Class A."

Hankyung sprints from the room in guilty happiness.

He searches through the entire building for Heenim, and eventually finds him in the dorm, sitting on a window sill. Youngwoon sits beneath the window in an instable-looking chair.

"I guess you've heard" Heenim says immediately when he sees him. The anger in his voice is so apparent that Hankyung almost takes a step back.

"Yes. What happened?" he asks, and more importantly adds, "what's gonna happen now?"

Heenim shrugs. "I guess they decided me and Youngwoon weren't ready to debut yet. Idiots... We're both older than Yunho and Jaejoong, hell; we're older than all of Dongbangshinki. We should get to debut too!" Youngwoon nods slowly.

"We've been here long enough" he agrees. Hankyung flinches, wishing Youngwoon could go somewhere else so he could question Heenim freely about what would happen next.

"But... what about..." he tries, and Heenim sees his struggles at once, like usual.

"What about the future, you mean?" he asks. Hankyung nods quickly. "I don't know what will happen. I guess we wait for a new group to be formed." Hankyung forces himself not to smile. "Honestly, right now I feel like dropping out."

"Don't" Hankyung says at once. "Don't give up." He wants to say so much more, but as usual, he can't.

"He's right" Youngwoon says, standing up. "That's just what they want. Maybe this is some kind of perseverance test. You never know with these people." He puts a hand on Heenim's shoulder, and Hankyung half expects him to shrug it off, like he usually does when people approach him. But he doesn't. He just stares at Youngwoon, who's showing the same endless disappointment that's glowing darkly in Heenim's eyes. "We'll have our debut soon."

Heenim's head falls back to lean against the window. "I really hate these people" he states. "They have no idea what they're doing when they toy with people's dreams like this."

"Maybe since they have no idea, you shouldn't hate them" Hankyung mumbles. Heenim stares at him in surprise.

"I think that's the longest sentence I've heard you say in anyone else's company."

Youngwoon turns out to be a lot nicer than his bear-like appearance suggests. Hankyung would have thought him to be a bully, and when it turns out he was wrong, he feels immoderately guilty for wishing him out of the Four Seasons' group.

Youngwoon approaches him one day a few weeks later, when the shock of Dongbangshinki's debut had finally started to die down. They had passed Christmas and the New Year with Heenim and Youngwoon in a constant state of depression and hatred towards every living thing and trainee, with the exception of Hankyung, Youngwoon's friend Jongwoon (it took Hankyung two days to differentiate the two) and Heenim's friend Kibum. Where Jongwoon is talkative and hardworking, Kibum is the quiet type, much like Hankyung himself. Hankyung starts to wonder if Heenim purposely seeks people like that out to become friends with them.

"I saw you dance earlier" Youngwoon says to him warmly. It's the first time they've been alone without Heenim. "You're really good. Would you mind teaching me some? I can't be around Hyukjae and Donghae without getting into fights with them, they just love to fool around with me." He speaks with a sort of softness that Hankyung hasn't seen in him around other people before, and he wonders if it's because he thinks Hankyung won't understand him. He sighs, not knowing how to convey his feelings. At the same time, though, he's happy someone is finally recognizing his talent, so he smiles and nods.

"Sure! I'd be happy to."

So they wander off to one of the dance practice rooms, only to find Heenim in there with Kibum, Jungsu and a ridiculously handsome boy who Hankyung recognizes as Siwon. Hankyung and Youngwoon walk in, exchanging low greetings and Hankyung feels his heart fluttering a little when Siwon looks at him.

They stand silently in a row, staring at their reflection in the mirror.

"We look pretty awesome as a group" Heenim states after a while. The longing to debut it obvious in his voice and face.

"Are you kidding?" Youngwoon blurts out, "I feel like an animal standing here with you people. Stop being so damn handsome, all of you!"

Jungsu lets out a high-pitched laugh, and Hankyung feels the corners of his mouth pull upwards uncontrollably at the sound.

Heenim reaches out to place a firm slap on Jungsu's arm. "Stop it" he growls, but Jungsu doesn't even flinch. "I'm serious" Heenim continues, "wouldn't we look amazing if we debuted together? Strike a pose!"

They've all participated in photoshoots before, so they're all roughly experienced, but they still feel ridiculous when they pull their most confident pose in front of the mirror. Hankyung puts his hand behind his head and shows the mirror his profile with his mouth slightly open. A few silent seconds pass as they imagine themselves at a real photoshoot, and then they all burst out laughing at their own hideousness.

"I think we just put our finger on why you two got kicked out of Four Seasons" Kibum says, pointing at Youngwoon who's doing something resembling a Superman pose.

"HEY!" Heenim yells out, the sound screeching obnoxiously in Hankyung's ears like so many times before, and Heenim chases after Kibum who backs away laughing.

"Do you wanna die?" Youngwoon threatens, and he too runs up to Kibum to hold his arms back while Heenim engages in tickling torture.

"Jungsu! Save me!" Kibum calls out between erupts of panicked laughter, and Jungsu sighs before walking up to the three to try and pry Youngwoon's arms away. Siwon and Hankyung remain by the mirror, smiling nervously at each other's reflections, never having shared a word between the two of them.

All in all, Hankyung is very happy he chose to come to Korea.

Hankyung isn't kidding himself, in fact, he isn't even trying. He knows exactly what is happening to him: he's having a crush on Choi Siwon. And honestly, it doesn't even bother him.

It doesn't matter to him if Siwon finds out or not. It doesn't matter if they will get together. Right now, he enjoys being around him, and enjoys feeling things.

A boy named Ryeowook joins their company one day. He's short, but in no means small - actually he has a lot of weight to lose before any teacher or manager would let him debut. Jungsu is the first to dote on him as he looks fragile despite his size, and Ryeowook tells him that he's already lost a lot of weight.

He sings heavenly, and his arrival seems be something of a turning point for their teachers and soon-to-be managers.

11 of them get called to a dance practice room by a man who they all recognize as one of Shinhwa's old managers; Shinhwa, a group who most of them have idolized in their homes, dreaming about becoming like them. Even Hankyung considered himself a fan, despite not having known about them during their golden years.

"We have plans to debut an 11 member group" the manager states, and Hankyung immediately turns to Heenim, who stares back at him with uncontained excitement. Siwon is sitting on the floor in front of them with Kibum by his side, and Hankyung quickly does a headcount: Jungsu, Youngwoon, Heenim, Kibum, Siwon, Hyukjae, Donghae, Ryeowook, Jongwoon, Sungmin, and Hankyung himself.

11.

He watches as the rest of the boys do the same, and soon the entire room is filled with outbursts of happiness. Donghae, Hyukjae and Sungmin collapse together in a three-way hug.

"There's only one thing you need to know" says the manager, and a feeling of dread lowers on the room. "It's going to be a project group."

Hankyung looks at Heenim, trying to see from his reaction whether a 'project group' is something good or bad, but he looks as lost as Hankyung feels.

"What does that mean?" Jungsu asks.

"You're going to debut sometime next year under the name SM Junior 05. Every year, some of the older members will graduate and be replaced by younger ones. It will be like a portal for you, to work hard, make a well-known name of yourself, and then move on to other projects. Maybe even a new, permanent group."

Hankyung turned to Heenim again, who looks absolutely horrified at the news.

"So we'll only be a group during 2005?" Heenim asks, his eyes big and glassy. Not until he spoke those words did Hankyung fully understand what the manager was saying.

"That's right. So my advice to you, is to not get too attached to each other."

Hankyung gives a soft Chinese curse under his breath when the manager leaves the room. It's far too late for that now, asshole he thinks, and watches as Heenim covers his face with his hand and leans his elbow on his knee.

Heenim has the most trouble out of all of them to adjust to the idea of a project group. He's friends with everybody in the room, and even though until now Hankyung hasn't seen Heenim as a very sensitive person, he can see now how much he values his friends.

"At least we'll get to debut" Youngwoon tries. They're all standing in a wide ring by the mirror in the same dance practice room the manager left them in. Hankyung notices that Ryeowook, who's still new, isn't sure how to react to the news. Sungmin is standing safely beside him, one hand in Hyukjae's, the other on Ryeowook's shoulder.

"A year is a long time to be together, too" Kibum fills in.

"Some groups don't even get that much" Jungsu agrees, but his voice is shaking, and Hankyung can hear that he too is upset with the news.

"I know" Heenim says, but it's gone too far, and his bottom lip quivers once, twice, and then he puts his hands up to his face and the tears pour heavier than they have in his life. Youngwoon immediately pulls him into a hug and holds him tightly, and everyone looks away, as if something shameful is happening.

Except for Hankyung.

Jungsu unnoticeably wipes a tear from the corner of his eye.

What Hankyung has liked about Heenim so far, is how perfectly raw he is. How honest he is. If something happens that he doesn't like, he says so. When something is amusing to him, he laughs. When something is absolutely breaking his heart, he cries. He doesn't sugarcoat it.

And that's what draws Hankyung to him.

Dongbangshinki gain success with their debut song "Hug", and when they get some time off, they come home to see their old friends and meet the new trainees. Heenim and Youngwoon are distant from Yunho and Jaejoong at first, but in the end they can't withstand the power of old memories, and Heenim eventually ends up in Yunho's arms, muttering curses mixed with old affectionate nicknames while the other boy just laughs. His hair is new, his body is in great shape, but he looks exhausted. For some reason, Heenim seems overjoyed that Yunho didn't get his crooked teeth fixed.

"How come you've debuted so far ahead of me, I sing 100 times better than you" he mutters into Yunho's embrace, a complaint Hankyung must have heard a thousand times by now.

"He has improved a lot though" Jaejoong says from Yunho's side, looking unsure of whether or not Heenim will forgive him too.

"And yet he'll never be better than me" Heenim argues, and now there's tears in his voice again.

On the other side of the room is Hyukjae, repeatedly slapping Junsu wherever he can manage to hit, while sobbing out declarations like "you ass, I missed you". Heenim told Hankyung earlier that the two have always been close, that they even auditioned for the company together.

And now they'd been separated into two separate groups. Just like what will happen to Hankyung and Heenim once they are done with SM Junior 05.

Some of the younger ones think Dongbangshinki's arrival is something that needs to be celebrated, and to celebrate, they need alcohol. So they exploit Yunho's blind inability to say no, and make him buy soju, which they themselves aren't allowed to buy and bring into the dorm. They figure that Yunho, now a big star, is more likely to get away with it than they are.

Jungsu, Youngwoon, Jongwoon, Heenim and Hankyung have locked themselves away, listening absently to younger trainees' vocal practice in the next room. They're talking about the future, about SM Junior 05 ("what is this SM 'junior' anyway?" Youngwoon asks. Nobody knows), about stage names and concepts and their hopes and fears. Well, the other four are doing most of the talking, while Hankyung mostly listens. He has thought of these things before, sure, but he isn't sure if he'd like to share them with anyone else than Heenim right now.

Or maybe Siwon.

"Hyukjae is going to be the main dancer, that's plain for anyone to see" Jungsu says with a hint of pride. "And have you heard Ryeowook sing? He'll be the lead singer for sure." Jongwoon turns to glare at the eldest.

"I think you're forgetting somebody" he says sternly, and Jungsu stares back at him unapologetically.

Hankyung gets up from the floor where they're sitting. "I'm gonna go see if Hyukjae and Donghae are up for some dancing" he says, but the truth is that the talk of fame and superstardom is getting too much for him, however much he wants it. He feels as if that's all they've been talking about lately, and part of him wants things to go back to normal.

Heenim stares at him a little worriedly for a second, but then says "okay". The only thing that Hankyung and Heenim can't share every day is the dancing, as they are on completely different levels.

"Maybe you two can share the position as lead vocals" Youngwoon says as Hankyung leaves.

"How can two people share the position of lead? There's gotta be one lead vocalist!"

"How do you know that? Have you been in a group before?"

"No, but..."

He searches for Hyukjae and Donghae in the dance practice rooms, but finds them all empty. He goes to the dorm, and eventually finds them with Sungmin, Kibum and Ryeowook in a circle on the floor.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

Hyukjae stares up at him with strangely pleading eyes. "Nothing" he says unhappily.

"We're having lots and lots of fun!" Donghae then adds, reaching behind him to hold up a bottle of soju. It's half empty.

"Donghae!" Sungmin screeched. "You weren't supposed to tell anyone, we could get caught!"

Donghae stares blankly - and oh, he’s obviously intoxicated, how didn't Hankyung notice it at once? -  back at Sungmin. "But Hankyung wouldn't tell, would you?"

"Uhm" Hankyung says intelligently, his mind racing. Of course he shouldn't tell on his dongsaengs, right?

"I haven't had anything, I swear" Hyukjae says then, interrupting Hankyung's train of thought.

Sungmin giggles. "But you should have."

"Sungmin, you are a bad hyung! You know I've made a promise to never drink, you shouldn't encourage me" Hyukjae argues, hurt.

"Yeah, but it's a promise to Junsu who's a big star now." Sungmin swayed on the spot, obviously a lot drunker than the rest.

"Yeah, what makes you think he has kept his promise to you?" Donghae joined in. Kibum and Ryeowook sat silently on either sides of Sungmin, looking very nervous.

"Shut up, you guys, he's my best friend" Hyukjae says. Hankyung wonders dimly why Hyukjae remains with these people, and more importantly, why hasn't Hankyung himself left yet?

"What exactly does one have to do to become your best friend?" Donghae asks, clinging to Hyukjae's shoulder. "I've been here all along while Junsu abandoned you to go out and become a big celebrity."

Hyukjae shrugs Donghae off him and stands up, shakily. "You guys, you are really starting to behave like... drunk people. Please stop it now." Hankyung spots traces of tears in his eyes and decides it's time to do something.

He doesn't have time to intervene before Heenim, Jungsu and Siwon come walking in.

"Hey, Youngwoon and Jongwoon wouldn't stop fighting, so we..." Jungsu begins, but all three come to a halt when they notice the bottle in Donghae's grip.

"Is that soju?!" Heenim almost yells in surprise.

Jungsu quickly scans the circle and turns to the eldest. "Sungmin... You even dragged Ryeowook into this? He's barely been here two weeks and you're already getting him into trouble?"

Sungmin stands up to face the leader-to-be. "It isn't trouble if we don't get found out" he reasons. "So please don't tell on us."

Jungsu covers his face with his hands in exasperation. "You're not gonna put the responsibility on me" he says, and looks up to Hyukjae, who's still standing on shaky legs. "Did you drink too?" he demands.

"I swear, I haven't" Hyukjae groans, innocently feeling guilty under his old friend's stare.

They all fall silent as they hear steps nearing the door.

"Oh please God let that be Youngwoon..." Jungsu mumbles with his eyes closed. The door is pulled open, and their vocal trainer barges in.

Hankyung doesn't know exactly what's next for his dongsaengs, but he knows it probably won't be very pretty. Their managers wait until the next day to decide, since Sungmin, Donghae, Kibum and Ryeowook are all too drunk to make any sense of that night.

All 11 of them are called to their vocal coach's room, and their managers look anything but happy with them. Hankyung glances at Heenim, who as usual is sitting beside him, and he looks a lot calmer than Hankyung feels.

"Here's the thing" says one of their managers, Minsung, "since you are a team, you will all face the punishment for your actions together." Hankyung feels his stomach turning. Heenim's jaw drops.

"What is the punishment?" Jungsu asks carefully.

"You can't leave the dorms for a month. Not to go home to visit your families, not to go out to eat, not for anything."

The silence that follows is full of guilt. Sungmin covers his face with his hands, but Jongwoon puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Hyukjae stares out a window with his jaws clenched.

"No way" Heenim says loudly. Hankyung puts a hand on his leg to try to silence him.

"Pardon? Do you think you should be spared from the punishment?" the manager says, walking over to where Heenim is sitting. Hankyung squeezes his hand around Heenim's ankle, but Heenim nods. "Why?"

"I did nothing wrong, why should I be included in the punishment?" Hankyung releases his hold on Heenim and resorts to staring at his nails. He should have known Heenim can't be swayed.

"Your dongsaengs did, they made a mistake. Shouldn't you take the punishment with them?" the manager asks, glaring into Heenim's eyes with all his worth.

"No" Heenim says calmly. "Because they made a mistake, should I replace them and live their lives for them?" Hankyung notes how Jungsu gives Heenim a tired stare from across the room.

The manager pauses, standing in front of Heenim and looking him up and down, up and down, as if measuring him. "Leave, then. You leave." He raises his hand and points towards the door. His eyes never leave Heenim's face as the latter gets up and strolls casually out of the room. He doesn't slam the door.

Silence follows for a few moments while the manager eyes them all for their reactions. Maybe waits for another person to do the same. He then turns towards the door and yells "What kind of team is this going to become if one person can't even take a punishment for the rest of the team?"

Most of them look down to their laps. Hankyung can see Jungsu's eyes moving rapidly across the floor, deep in thought.

"Jungsu" the manager says sharply, "you're the eldest, right?"

Jungsu looks up with a frightened look on his face. "Yes?"

"That means you'll be the leader, then?" Jungsu nods. "Come with me."

The leader and the manager disappear out the door, and the rest of them remain on the floor in silence. Ryeowook looks the most frightened of all, and Hankyung wants to tell him that this isn't normally how things are around SM. But he's as unwilling to break the silence as the rest of them, so his eyes fall upon Siwon's tired face, and that's when he thinks of Heenim again.

Heenim wouldn't take a punishment for something he didn't do. Hankyung's mind flashes back to when he was a child, playing soccer after school, giving the other team a free kick after his hand touched the ball, wondering about punishments and rules.

He definitely wishes he could be everything that Heenim is.

But Hankyung stays in the dorm for the entire month, mostly hanging around Siwon, feeling his insides sway with every little move the other boy makes.

When the month eventually comes to an end, nobody except for Heenim goes outside anyway at first. Hyukjae is the first to dare, followed by Siwon and Donghae. Sungmin only goes out once a week at first, then gradually more often, but he never forgets the mistake he made and what he caused the rest of the group.

"Do you think, when we debut, would you want to change your name to something?" Heenim asks Hankyung one night when they're sitting outside of the dorm. It's spring, bordering on summer, but it's not really warm enough for them to be outside at this time of night. Heenim is holding a cigarette that he got from Jaejoong in his hands, and he's been debating with himself all night whether to smoke it or not.

"I don't know" Hankyung says, not all that truthfully.

"I think I do" Heenim says. "Lee Sooman talked to me personally about it. They don't think Heenim is 'idolly' enough. And maybe he's right."

Hankyung pushes his hands in under his thighs to try and warm them up. "What would you like to be called, then?"

"I think... maybe... Heechul." He squeezes the cigarette and looks up at Hankyung with an expectant look on his face. "How does it sound?"

Hankyung thinks about it. Of all the names he has had struggle to learn, 'Heechul' doesn't sound quite as foreign as the rest. He laughs. "It sounds like you."

"Good." He leans back and closes both his hands over the cigarette. "Then I will be Heechul from now on."

Hankyung smiles and closes his eyes. Heechul.

"But you haven't thought of it?" Heechul asks. Hankyung shrugs.

"I guess, but for me it's like I already have a stage name, since Hankyung isn't my real name."

Heechul sits up quickly. "Hankyung isn't your real name?" he asks, dumbstruck.

Hankyung glares at him. "I really hope you're kidding right now" he says, but Heechul shakes his head with wide eyes, and then he laughs loudly. He covers his mouth with one of his hands and practically screams with laughter like only he can, and he usually only does it when he's embarrassed.

Hankyung can't help but join in. "Hankyung is my Korean name, but of course I have a Chinese name, you idiot" he says and directs a kick to Heechul's ankle.

"Sorry" Heechul groans and reaches for his injured spot. "I guess I just thought your name was your name wherever you went. What is your Chinese name?"

Hankyung pulls up his legs to the bench and curls them underneath him. "It's Hangeng" he says, pronouncing it slowly and precisely like he would a child. The way it rolls off his tongue is like a meeting with an old friend, and he realizes he hasn't spoken it or even thought of it in months, maybe even years. How long has it been?

"Hangong?" Heechul mispronounces, and Hankyung laughs as tears well up in his eyes.

"Hangeng" he corrects, and tears flow over his cheeks.

Heechul looks at him with wide eyes. He has never seen Hankyung cry before. He throws the cigarette onto the ground, leans back on the bench and asks "what is it?"

"Nothing." Sobs rock Hankyung's body back and forth, images of home playing through his mind like a compilation of places he'd rather be than here, all wrapping around his heart and squeezing with all their might. Heechul's eyes never leave his face.

Heechul takes one of his hands in his and holds it tightly. "Seems like we both got new names tonight, huh?" he says, tightening his hold even further. Hankyung nods, more tears spill, and Heechul eventually looks away.

They remain out there for another hour before they go inside, frozen to their bones and lips turning blue.

From that night, Hankyung starts making time to think of the past. To think of his childhood, his parents who he sends all of his money every month, and everything that has happened since he came to Korea. He thinks of the little confused boy on the football field, the boy whose opinions and values he still shares. He thinks of a conversation he overheard between his parents the night he told them that he was going to Korea - "he has no aptitude for language, how is he going to make it over there?" said his mother, "I don't know, but he has an obvious aptitude for dancing" replied his father - but most of all, he thinks about the person he was before and after he met Heechul.

He remembers, suddenly, something Heechul said to him about a month after he came to Seoul. "Why do you hang around me so much?" followed by previously unknown words that Hankyung can't remember, "what does that mean? I'll tell you when you've studied more."

"Can I ask you something?" he asks Heechul as Youngwoon and Jungsu leave them alone for lunch one day.

"Sure" Heechul replies, a little wide-eyed but seemingly perfectly normal. "If I can ask you something as well."

Hankyung frowns, curiosity rising in his chest at once. "Of course" he says.

"Fire away then."

"Do you remember when we first met?" Hankyung asks. Heechul's turn to frown.

"Yes, I think so. At first I wasn't sure whether or not I should talk to you, because you looked so insecure that I was afraid I might break you if I talked to you" Heechul says slowly. "Why?"

Hankyung feels a little humiliated by his first impression on Heechul, but decides to just skip right past the embarrassment. "And do you remember that time when I asked you why you hang around me so much?" Heechul frowns again, looking up above Hankyung's head, looking deep in thought. "You replied, but I didn't understand, and you said you'd tell me again once I'd studied more Korean."

Heechul's eyes light up. "Yes, I think I remember" he says.

"Well, I've studied now" Hankyung laughs. "Why did you hang around me so much?"

Heechul leans back in his chair and puts down his chopsticks. "I said that I like people who don't try to show off so much. People who can impress me without telling me why they're so great. I think that's the sign of a good person." He stares straight into Hankyung's eyes, and there's something about his expression that makes Hankyung slightly uncomfortable.

"And I did that?" Hankyung questions. "I impressed you?"

"I think it's time for my question now" Heechul says, leaning forward. "You like Siwon, don't you?"

And it's so sudden that Hankyung drops his chopsticks in pure surprise. "What? Jesus, lower your voice!"

Heechul smirks joylessly. "I'll take that as a yes then." Hankyung wants to argue, but he doesn't know how, or why. He does like Siwon. He just doesn’t really know why or how or how. Heechul nods, still not picking up his chopsticks. "Okay. That's all I wanted to know." Hankyung stares at him as he reaches for his chopsticks, pauses with his hand on them, and pulls it back without picking them up. "Actually, that's not all I wanted to know" he continues, staring into Hankyung's eyes with such intensity that Hankyung needs to look away. "I also want to know why, why is it Siwon, when the person who's been standing up for you and helping you all the way until now is me?"

Hankyung stares at the hem of Heechul's shirt. He tries to return his gaze, but he just can't, and he can't understand what in the world Heechul is really asking him. Why doesn't he have feelings for Heechul? Is that even the right question? Shouldn't it be, who ever said he didn't?

"I..." is all Hankyung can stutter, and it's in Chinese, too, damnit, and Heechul just lifts his tray of food and walks over to Donghae and Ryeowook's table.

Hankyung's hands shake when he picks up his chopsticks again.

.002