I Won't Fear Love
Title: I won't fear love
Pairing: Hanchul
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst / Romance
Summary: Heechul waits for Hankyung to leave, like everyone does.
Warnings: Angst overload
Wordcount: 3,875
A/N: Okay, so here's a whole bunch of feels. I wrote this in school back in Februrary, cause that's just... you know a productive way to spend your time in school, as opposed to just reading fanfiction which is what I usually did. Ehm. ...
Anyways... I was listening to Our Love by Super Junior and I thought of this performance and I just wondered, hey, why is everyone there except for Hankyung and Heechul? And then everything just fell apart in my mind I guess lol. So this fic is what happened... It's basically based on Super Show 2 and set during one of the concerts. The other performances mentioned: Who Am I, At least I still have you, Me, Shining Star and Sorry, Sorry.
Also, I know that a lot of the stuff in here sounds like I'm totally hating on SJ but believe me, I am not. D8
Might make another part of this... possibly.
"I don't wanna go out there. I don't even have a part in this song."
"But Heechul... It's fun! And the fans love it when we play around like this..."
"Yeah, it's hilarious, watching you guys have fun while I just want to sink through the floor."
The older of the two gave the younger a very questioning glance.
"Heechul..." he mumbled, and Heechul himself hated how people kept saying his name like that when they thought he was being difficult. Like a child that won't go to bed on time. He faced Leeteuk's stare with indifference. "Aren't you a singer? If you feel like sinking through the floor when you're on stage..."
Heechul just kept silent as strings were added to the cheesy piano music that was already playing out on the stage. The fans erupted in insane outbursts of screams and Heechul knew that pictures of the band's history were being revealed one by one on the screens.
Leeteuk shifted, annoyed with Heechul's unresponsiveness.
"Come on, this performance is supposed to be about "Super Junior forever"..."
"I remember when all of our happiness was more important than some fucking name."
Heechul watched as Leeteuk flinched. He knew their leader hated both hearing people speak negatively of what he cared so much about, and Heechul's harsh language.
Leeteuk glanced at the other members right next to them, randomly spread out sitting or standing in tired positions, the feeling of adrenaline pumping away suddenly a little tainted by the fight taking place in front of them. Heechul noticed Donghae's mouth slightly open in shock, and Ryeowook's exasperated eyes, focused on him full of accusation.
The music was starting to come to an end, and they all knew they were due on stage in just a few seconds. Heechul raised an eyebrow at Leeteuk, challenging him like so many times before to deal with his mess before the timed curtain would open and reveal it all.
"The day you start being grateful for what you have again..." Leeteuk mumbled and turned around to the other members before Heechul even had time to think about what his words meant. "Shindong?" the leader called out, and Shindong's shocked face turned up to face him immediately.
"Yes?" he asked in an oddly high-pitched voice, maybe afraid to be pulled into their fight.
"You don't have a part in this song either. Will you join us?" Leeteuk asked.
Look at this kid; look at him with his well-trimmed hair and perfect clothes. See how he does his homework and eats his vegetables like a good boy should, why can't you be like this, Heechul? Huh? Why can't you be normal?
"Of course" Shindong nodded and stood up from his place on the floor.
Leeteuk nodded, proudly, and the ever-present anger fumed in Heechul once again. He avoided Shindong's eyes.
"And you?" Leeteuk asked, suddenly turning towards Hankyung, who was standing safely behind Eunhyuk with a hand on his shoulder. "Are you coming along?"
Hankyung's eyes shifted between Leeteuk and -- Heechul looked away as soon as those sad eyes met his.
A few silent seconds passed, and then he shook his head.
Leeteuk sighed unnoticeably, his heart breaking as the ties within the group appeared to do the same, his nostrils flaring and Heechul's heart picking up a small sense of victory and dread.
"Fine" Leeteuk spat out before turning away from them all. He waved his hand before walking away, and Heechul remained in his position as the members slowly got up from their places to follow the leader. Most of them avoided Heechul's eyes and he tried to look hostile and untouched, when really all he could feel was the love of everyone leaving him behind, not caring enough to find out what was wrong, rushing out of the room to be rid of him and his tantrums. Hankyung's hand fell from Eunhyuk's shoulder to let him go and Sungmin walked past Heechul, his gaze not averted, his expression understanding and close to amused. Hankyung leaned against the wall and Heechul struggled to not shrug off Kangin's hand that landed on his shoulder in an attempt to be comforting, and a lousy attempt at that, Heechul thought.
Kyuhyun was the last to drag himself out of the room, as usual looking indifferent even though they all knew his heart was as capable of breaking as everyone else's, if not more.
Heechul walked over to the opposite end of the room and half threw himself down on the floor, his back hitting the wall and his heart doing its best to ignore Hankyung's presence in the room. He didn't know why the other man had stayed with him. Really, he just wanted to be alone, but as usual, he couldn't feel awkward with the other man.
He heard Ryeowook begin the first verse, and judging by the repeated outbursts of screams, the members weren't letting their true feelings show out there. They were professionals after all -- well, barred maybe Heechul, who was the only one to never really master the art of controlling his emotions.
Hankyung slowly made his way over to Heechul and sank down beside him, carefully placing a hand on the other man's knee. Heechul pushed it away and Hankyung just rolled his eyes.
"You know Eunhyuk isn't gonna be able to sleep tonight after this" he said, slightly stuttery but not insecure in the slightest. "Donghae's gonna lock himself in the bathroom after this song to cry, and that's not good. Super Junior M are on soon."
When Heechul didn't reply, Hankyung calmly leaned his head against the wall.
"You really should stop this, you know."
Heechul remained silent and reached up in a feeble attempt to sort out his long, messy hair.
"Even if you want us all to think you don't care, you're putting a strain on all the other members." Heechul froze with his hand in his hair. "It really needs to stop."
"What do you mean, 'want you all to think'?" Heechul frowned and finally acknowledged the other man's presence.
"Well, it's obvious that you do care" Hankyung replied, the calm in his voice frustrating but strangely contagious.
"What makes you say that?" Heechul asked, helplessly wanting to scream at himself for not pushing Hankyung away too, for always letting him sit down next to him and talk him down off the ledge of whatever bad idea he'd have on the day.
"Heechul, seriously" Hankyung sighed, "do you really think you'd be slumped here on the floor almost crying if you didn't care?"
Heechul could feel his ears heat up and he was sure he was close to blushing. "I'm not almost crying" he managed to get out between clenched teeth, and as far as he was aware, it was true.
"Okay" Hankyung said with a shrug.
"I'm just in a..."
"Tell me something, though" Hankyung interrupted, and Heechul hated it, hated everything that anyone ever did to him, around him, close to him. "Why do you keep torturing our poor Jungsu?"
Sungmin started off the second verse accompanied by piercing screams, and Heechul wanted so badly to have an answer to the question, oh how he hated to be found speechless, how he hated everything.
"I don't see him treating you badly" the younger continued when he was left without an answer.
"Maybe there are a lot of things you don't see" Heechul growled. Hankyung laughed.
"I'll give you that" he nodded, and Heechul closed his eyes. Why did this need to continuously happen, every time, that smile and nod and the questioning voice speaking calmly, always calming him down, always knowing, always stopping him.
"But what has he ever done to you?" Hankyung continued to pry.
"He doesn't care about me." Heechul was glad to hear his voice come out loudly, almost screaming. "Not like he cares for the others." Hankyung frowned.
"You know he does." and Heechul wanted to explode, when would anyone take him seriously?
"No."
"How do you know that?" Hankyung demanded, he too sounding a bit less calm, and Heechul hated how the younger man never let him off with a pat on the back and 'it'll get better' or 'I hope it works out' - no, he always needed be understand and get answers that Heechul didn't have.
"If he cared, he wouldn't be out there right now, would he?" Heechul yelled. "He'd be in here trying to help me!" Hankyung's questioning eyes met Heechul's desperate ones.
"He just fucking asked you to go out there with him, Heechul!" Hankyung exclaimed, gesturing wildly towards the stage. "To try and get you to be a part of things!"
Heechul turned his head away and forced a laugh that sounded scary even to his own ears. "Yeah, oh how it would help me to be out there like this right now" he deadpanned.
"How the hell would you know? You don't want to accept his help" Hankyung said, not intimidated at all by the look of anger and shock that grew on Heechul's face.
"What the fuck?" The older man gasped as he stumbled up on his feet, staring down at Hankyung.
"Yeah. It's easy to feel alone if you don't want to belong."
Heechul could do nothing but stare as the other man's words struck way too close to home. Not able to come up with a way to defend himself, and not really wanting to, he turned and ran towards the bathroom. Donghae will have to go somewhere fucking else if he wants to mope, he thought as he slammed the door behind him, hearing the ending notes of Our Love being belted out on stage.
Next up on stage was Siwon, Heechul thought, Siwon singing a ridiculous song to his God, a song that Heechul could barely understand, Siwon and his God, how unbelievably pathetic. Next would be Super Junior M singing two clichéd songs about happy ever after and finding your miracle in life, how fucking new and exciting. But at least that would bring Hankyung away for a while.
The first notes of Who Am I reached his ears at the same time as somebody pulled at the doorknob - probably a very teary Donghae, he assumed. He said nothing and waited for whoever it was to leave, and was relieved when he heard steps running away from the door.
The song after Suju M's set would be Shining Star, which would require Heechul on stage - or, require probably wasn't the right word, he thought bitterly. Shining Star, a song as cheesy as the name suggested, only someone hadn't deemed the original album version good enough, and had put a spin on it, attempting to make it more interesting in concert. Everyone had a part in this song - everyone, including Shindong, but excluding Heechul and Hankyung. Their performance was based on sitting on chairs, looking like the happiest people on earth and lipsyncing the chorus.
He honestly didn't know if he could bother with even as little as that. Was it too little or too much?
He stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, wishing to have something about himself that he could fix, but his makeup looked great and his hair was ruffled but perfect, and there was nothing to distract him from the thought he kept trying to push of his head.
I am not gonna think about Hankyung, he thought. I am not gonna think about how he sees right through me and already knows what I try to hide. I won't admit to how I...
Stop.
He unlocked the door to go and change for Shining Star.
Once again, up on stage, the lights down and his back against the screaming crowd that can see them there even though they're not supposed to, with Hankyung on his one side and Eunhyuk on his other. All of them in almost identical white costumes - Heechul thinks, as usual, that it makes some of them look too fancy, which doesn't match their personalities at all, but the crowd seems to love it.
Sorry, Sorry starts playing and the lights are turned up along with the volume of screams.
One by one they turn around, and as he makes his way towards the crowd with Hankyung Heechul scans the audience for his own fans, for Petals - and among the blue glowsticks he makes out a banner with his name in shining red neon Hangeul letters - there's Siwon, Sungmin, oh and Eunhae, right next to a banner saying 'Kibum, I miss you'.
You don't know the first thing about missing Kibum, he thinks.
All too soon comes his and Hankyung's shared part, so he raises his microphone to his lips and sings with a tired voice -
Don't go, don't do
He's turned towards Hankyung, staring deep into his eyes and preparing to lean in, knowing it will drive the fans wild.
And he puts his all into it, don't go, don't go, pleading with Hankyung, true feelings and fears being revealed because he knows nobody ever sees his true intentions with anything he does. Nobody, except for Hankyung.
That girl is dangerous
Her charm is too overflowing
It's like a heart attack in hyper speed, he sees Hankyung staring back at him through half-lidded eyes and thinks he knows that on Hankyung's side, it's all an act. 2 seconds where Heechul feels like anything might happen, then it's over, and he leaves the stage to wait for his next part, for the next song, for the concert to end, for Super Junior to end, for Hankyung to finally reject him.
Waiting like he always does, for Hankyung to disappear, because Heechul can't make himself okay, can't fix himself.
He will wait for Hankyung to leave like Kibum did. Then he will wait for the other members to do the same, until Super Junior ends, and he will have been right. Maybe if it's confirmed to him that he was right to hate himself all these years, he can have some kind of peace - without Hankyung's and the members' loving eyes to occasionally make him doubt his worthlessness.
And they will all have left because of him.
Heechul waits outside their dorm for Hankyung - they've been split into two separate vans again, and as much as he tried to avoid it, Hankyung got placed in the second while Heechul rode in the first.
It's cold, but he's still full of enough adrenaline for it not to be a problem. He's sweaty, still in full concert makeup and more uncomfortable than he's been in a long time. The white t-shirt from the last set of the concert keeps him warm under his jacket.
A tiny sliver of relief comes over him as the second van pulls over a few meters away. He knows he should help them carry their things like any good hyung would, but he can't seem to make himself move from his spot by the door where he watches the members climb out of the car.
Hankyung is easy to spot with his blond, tousled hair. He stands out from the crowd even more than he usually would, in Heechul's eyes.
Leeteuk is the first to pass him, and he doesn't realize Heechul is there until he's right beside him. He jerks a little in surprise and looks away immediately when he sees who it is.
"You've worked hard" he says sternly before raising his bag higher on his shoulder and disappearing through the door.
Kyuhyun and Sungmin don't see him either. They approach him, deep in conversation about one of the songs and various fan reactions.
"Hyung!" Sungmin yells in surprise when they finally reach him.
"What are you doing out here?" Kyuhyun asks, holding his hand over his heart. Heechul bites the insides of his cheeks.
"I'll be in soon" he says simply. Kyuhyun shrugs and the pair walk in the door, Sungmin with a worried expression and Kyuhyun once again trying to look unaffected.
Heechul looks towards the van to see Hankyung reject Yesung's attempt to help Hankyung re-pack a bunch of fan gifts that have fallen out of his bag. Heechul's stomach tenses. Soon they'll be alone.
Yesung sees him long before he reaches him, and Heechul sighs a bit. He had looked forward to Yesung's shock.
He puts his hands on Heechul's shoulders as he's about to pass.
"Don't let it affect you too much" he says. "Not in a situation like this."
Heechul doesn't know what he means, but he doesn't ask, and Yesung follows the other members into the dorm.
Whatever Yesung thinks he knows, he's probably wrong, Heechul decides.
He feels as though the knot in his stomach both tenses up and is released as Hankyung finally comes towards him. He steps out of his place in the shadows and stands right in front of the door. Hankyung doesn't look at all surprised to see him there, and Heechul can't stop his heart from beating a little faster.
"Good show tonight" Hankyung says when he's almost reached him. He smiles and lets his bag slide off his shoulder. His hair is messy, makeup still on, and he too is wearing his white Super Show 2 shirt.
Heechul doesn't really know which of the shows Hankyung is talking about, but it doesn't bother him.
"Mind telling me why you're out here this time of night?" Hankyung asks. "You should be up showering."
"I don't want to" Heechul mumbles, and he sounds like a child to himself. No wonder why everyone treats him like one. Hankyung nods slightly.
"You'll regret it when you have to get up extra early tomorrow" he says with a smile, and something in Heechul snaps when he sees him reach for his bag, ready to go inside.
"Why won't you let me destroy myself?" he almost yells. Hankyung freezes in his reach for his bag and slowly stands up again.
"Why should I let you?" he asks back. Heechul exhales.
"Because I want you to?" is the only answer he can think of.
"Not a valid reason" Hankyung laughs. How someone can laugh in this situation, Heechul wonders. His heart is speeding up in a dangerous pace, and he's sure he's going to freak out any second.
"You're the only one who..." Heechul almost whispers. "You're the only one who knows." Despite what he had thought beforehand, he's nowhere near tears. Hankyung's laugh seems far away.
"The others... might not understand" he says slowly, his eyes serious and searching Heechul's face.
"Why don't you tell them?" The older of the two asks. He's not really sure if he wants him to, but he still needs to know.
"Because you're mine" Hankyung says without hesitation. Heechul's jaw drops, and then Hankyung has his bag in his hands, trying to make his way into the dorm.
"But..." Heechul says as he fights for the ability to speak and stands in Hankyung's way. "Isn't that kind of selfish?" he asks carefully. Hankyung just looks at him, calmly. "I don't often see you be selfish..." Hankyung looks down.
"Well" he says, "maybe there are a lot of things that you can't see."
Heechul takes note of the playful tone of Hankyung’s voice and the way it seems completely off when matched with the unwavering concerned look on his face.
“Funny” he deadpans. Hankyung purses his lips and nods.
“I’m a funny guy.”
Silence falls, but Hankyung seems to have forgotten about the dorm, showering and going to bed. If it wasn’t for the constant risk of Hankyung remembering, Heechul would have forgotten it too.
“Hankyung, I…” he mumbles in a weak voice that makes him cringe. He tries to swallow his insecurities and takes a step closer to the other man. Hankyung’s eyes seem to turn sad as he does so.
“I…” Heechul wishes Hankyung would ask, even so much as a simple “what?” to help give him the illusion that Hankyung actually wants to know, and make the whole process so much easier. He loses the remains of his confidence with each second.
“I know” Hankyung says suddenly, meeting Heechul’s nervous gaze. Heechul shifts.
“You know?” he whispers, not sure if he heard right.
“I know” the other man repeats. Heechul barely notices the warm hand that finds his shoulders as Hankyung stands right in front of him. He looks down at the slim fingers to make sure they’re actually there, before looking up at Hankyung, eyes wide.
“Are you sure?” he asks, suddenly finding it very hard to breathe.
“Pretty sure” the taller of the two smiles.
“So you know how I…” Heechul begins but almost swallows his tongue when Hankyung lifts his other hand and presses his index finger to Heechul’s lips. He doesn’t shush him, doesn’t say anything for a awhile. Heechul’s heart sinks.
“I know” he says finally. He removes his fingers and lets go of Heechul’s shoulder, but doesn’t back away. Heechul wonders if this is the moment he’s been waiting for, for Hankyung to reject him. He chooses not to ask, not to talk, and looks down.
“I do too” Hankyung says. It’s spoken softly, and Heechul doesn’t know what to feel.
Does Hankyung really know what he’s admitting to? He wonders, cause the other man seems awfully calm for someone confessing they’re in love with their best friend.
“You… you do?” Heechul questions, staring up into wonderful, dark eyes and tries to will his mind to tell him that he loves him. He loves him.
Hankyung nods. Heechul shakes his head.
“I really can’t afford any misunderstandings here” he breathes, and the impatience for everything to just be over with threatens to take him over.
“No misunderstandings” Hankyung says with a shake of his head. “I do. You know I do.”
“What if I don’t?” Heechul demands. “What if I need you to say it?” Hankyung’s expression is unreadable and Heechul wishes he would know how wrong he is.
“Do you?” the younger asks.
Heechul’s mind stops and without his permission he imagines three words coming out in an accented, soft voice, and his heart breaks.
“Yes” he whispers.
Hankyung doesn’t react, and for a moment Heechul thinks he’s going to take it back, so his heart skips a beat cause now his process of falling apart can finally start for real, once Hankyung disappears.
Hankyung eyes him for a few more unsure moments, and then he leans over, so close but seemingly careful not to let any part of their bodies touch, lips quivering just beside Heechul’s ear and whispering
“I am in love with you.”
Heechul forgets how to breathe when Hankyung draws back and his world shakes from believing in a completely different reality for just a short second. The tired look on Hankyung’s face confuses him even more and he remembers to let out a shaky breath again.
“I…” he stutters, but Hankyung shakes his head and puts his finger to Heechul’s lips again, though this time without actually touching him. Heechul freezes.
He remains frozen as Hankyung picks up his bag, throws Heechul an unreadable look, and finally disappears through the door.