Achromatic Ecstasy, Part 3
Title: Achromatic Ecstasy
Pairing: Kenbin
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, drama, AU, bunch of fucked up stuff
Summary: Despite having been best friends all their lives, it only takes them one month apart to turn everything on its head.
Chapter wordcount: 3,580
A/N: This fic deals with themes that may be triggering to some. Read with caution.
Part 1 - Part 2
There's a playground about a hundred meters from Jaehwan's apartment. There are swings, two sandboxes, seesaws and other things strewn about, and towards the only side of the playground that isn't lined with apartment buildings, there are rocks, big enough for a grown man to have to put some effort into climbing to the top. It's dangerous for children, of course, so there's a fence lining them, but Hongbin loves them. He's been there countless of times with Jaehwan and Sanghyuk, and even if his and Jaehwan's friendship is going down the drain, he isn't going to stop coming there. He loves sitting on top of the boulders, looking out over the neighborhood, especially at sunset. There are hundreds of pictures of sunsets as seen from that spot on Hongbin's computer, and he never tires of photographing it.
So that's where he is now, camera in his hands, headphones over his ears (which are not playing One Direction, thank you very much), and he still feels at home here even without Jaehwan. He curls his legs under him and feels his phone vibrate as he does so. His heart sinks when he pulls it out.
17:12
sanghyuk
hyung..
17:12
hongbin
yeah?
17:13
sanghyuk
i think jaehwan hyung has drugs in his room
He really should think about getting rid of his cellphone and isolating himself.
So Sanghyuk knows after all, huh? The kid (ish, Hongbin can't get used to the thought that his fifteenth birthday is coming up) understands more than he lets on.
17:15
hongbin
what makes you say that?
17:20
sanghyuk
im going over to sungjaes house to play this game but jaehwan hyung borrowed it from me a few days ago, so i went into his room when he wasnt home to find it. but he came home and i didnt hear him come in and he saw me open his drawers and so he grabbed me by the jacket and threw me out, i fell face first into the chest in the hallway and now i have the biggest cut on my cheek so idk if i can go over to sungjae like this
Hongbin feels cold inside. It sounds more or less like an accident, but the Jaehwan Hongbin knows adores Sanghyuk, and would never do anything like this to him.
17:22
hongbin
i'm at the playground by your apartment. can you come?
17:23
sanghyuk
ok
The kid comes stumbling over a few minutes later, the climbing made difficult by the shaking of his hands. Hongbin takes one look at the cut on his cheek, a contrast to his perfectly styled, blond hair, and he wants to vomit. He puts his fingers on the skin beneath it, and Sanghyuk avoids his eyes. ”Does it hurt?”
Sanghyuk nods. ”It's getting better. The same can't be said for my jacket, though.” He gestures towards his chest, where a big part of said jacket has been ripped and torn. Under the circumstances, though, Hongbin doesn't find it very important.
”You should really have cleaned the wound before you came out here.” Sanghyuk walks around him and sits down on the edge, just where Hongbin had been sitting a few moments earlier. ”But what made you think he has drugs in there, of all things?” Hongbin asks, joining the younger by his side.
Sanghyuk shoots him a dirty look. ”I'm not stupid. I've heard the way he and Taekwoon hyung talk to each other for more than a month now.”
”What? How do they talk?” Hongbin asks, and Sanghyuk lies down with his hands over his face.
”It's alway ecstasy this, heroin that.” Hongbin gapes at him, feeling with his hands behind him on the rock to support himself. ”You didn't know?” Sanghyuk asks at his shocked expression. ”I thought you'd be in on that, too.”
”No,” Hongbin breathes. ”No, of course not.”
”He's messing everything up for himself,” Sanghyuk says then, eyes drawn towards the clouds that pass them by. ”He's changing so much. He didn't even apologize after he saw that I was bleeding.”
”What did he say?”
Sanghyuk scoffs. ”He just asked why I had to go snooping around in his room.”
”Jesus fucking christ,” Hongbin mumbles, staring out at the sunset that doesn't look as beautiful and enticing anymore. ”Were your parents home?”
”No.” Sanghyuk raises his eyebrows. ”He had Taekwoon with him, though.”
Hongbin lies down next to his pretend-brother, feeling like he's deflating by the second. Of fucking course Taekwoon was there. ”I'm not surprised.”
”It's Taekwoon hyung, isn't it?” Sanghyuk asks, and Hongbin wishes he could stay here forever, just staring at the clouds. ”He's the one who's making Jaehwan hyung do all of this?”
Hongbin doesn't know what to reply to that. ”What do you think?”
Sanghyuk stays silent for another few moments as he considers it. ”Yeah,” he says then. ”I think hyung would never have done any of this if it wasn't for him.”
”You're probably right,” Hongbin sighs.
”So what do we do?”
Hongbin shakes his head. ”I have no idea. Not a single clue.”
They lie there together, side by side, neither of them knowing what to say. Hongbin knows that he's the hyung here, he's the one who's supposed to take initiative and know how to save the day, but he doesn't.
”I'll talk to him,” he mumbles eventually. He can't let Jaehwan do this to himself, ruin his own life without even realizing he's doing it. But he feels so unprepared; he doesn't know anything about drugs or addiction or anything of the sort, and he has no idea how Jaehwan will respond.
He notices Sanghyuk is staring at him gratefully, so he throws a glance at him, prepared to try to smile back, when his heart sinks in his chest.
”You didn't get that cut from crashing into the chest, did you?”
Sanghyuk's smile dies immediately. He shifts his gaze uncertainly between Hongbin's eyes a few times, and then he shakes his head.
”Did he actually hit you?”
Sanghyuk nods. Hongbin feels like the world falls away, and the only thing that exists is the image of Jaehwan dictating a colorless world, printed behind his eyelids.
Sanghyuk drags himself to Sungjae's house a while later, once they've come up with a reasonable lie to tell him about the cut on Sanghyuk's cheek. Hongbin stays where he's at, agonizing about how to talk to Jaehwan, how to even bring it up to begin with, but he doesn't have to think about it for a very long time. About an hour after Sanghyuk's departure, Hongbin's phone rings, and for a moment Hongbin considers not answering it at all when the caller ID tells him that it's Jaehwan. He decides to take his responsibility, though, and picks up.
”Hello?”
”Hey, it's Jaehwan. Do you have time? I need to get out of here.”
”Uh,” Hongbin hesitates, ”sure. What's wrong?”
The older sounds upset; he's almost panting down the phone. ”It's just, my parents are on my back about tons of shit right now.”
”Okay,” Hongbin says. ”I'm nearby, so I'll come up to meet you, okay?”
”Yeah. Okay.”
Jaehwans hangs up with that, and Hongbin gets up, slings his camera around his neck and starts walking towards Jaehwan's place, like so many times before, but never has he been so nervous.
When he walks up the stairs to the Lee family apartment, he hears yelling long before he reaches their door. Most obvious is the sound of Jaehwan's mother yelling at the top of her lungs, much more threatening is the sound of Jaehwan yelling back.
”I won't stand for my eldest son ruining his own life, I won't stand for it! Do you hear me?”
”You have absolutely no fucking idea what you're talking about.”
”Don't you take that tone with me. You come and go every hour of the day, and most of the time when I see you I can't even tell if you're truly awake or just sleep-walking!”
”Oh, god, leave me the fuck alone! Do I look high to you right now?”
Hongbin swallows and rings the doorbell.
”Is that Jung Taekwoon again? You've only just come home and you're already leaving with that hooligan again? I swear, whenever you two are out and about I'm constantly expecting to get a call from the police.”
”Then isn't it a relief that I'm out and not in the apartment with the rest of you freaks?”
”How dare you? You're not going out with that boy, I won't let you.”
”No, mom, I'm going out with Hongbin, okay? I'm going out with Hongbin!”
”Have you told him about what you did last night? You haven't, have you? Because you're ashamed of yourself.”
”Give me a fucking break.”
The door opens and Hongbin feels pitiful in front of their angry faces. Jaehwan storms right past him and hurries down the stairs instantly, and Hongbin hesitates, glancing at Mrs. Lee.
”We're going to have a conversation when you come back, do you hear me?” she yells, and Jaehwan doesn't reply. Hongbin gives her an apologetic look, which she reponds to with a half-hearted smile, and then Hongbin runs after Jaehwan down the stairs. The older has already made it outside the door, but he's waiting in the parking lot for Hongbin when the latter pushes it open and hurries after him.
”Stuff me and serve me for dinner,” Jaehwan groans when Hongbin walks up to him.
Hongbin tries to smile, but he feels shaken up, almost scared. ”That sounded dramatic.”
”She's the one who's dramatic.”
Hongbin purses his lips, and decides to give Jaehwan a chance to explain himself. ”What was that all about?”
Jaehwan rolls his eyes. ”She just keeps nagging me about the whole college thing, is all.” He starts walking towards the playground, and Hongin feels hopeless.
”Hyung, you never lied to me before, so don't start now.” Jaehwan stops, turns around and looks at him with a frown. ”So she found out about the drugs, huh?”
Jaehwan turns his face towards the sky, exhaling heavily. ”Not you too,” he whines. ”I'm not doing drugs, okay? I'm not!”
Hongbin walks up to him, but the older won't meet his eyes. ”I won't tell you to stop, nag you or yell at you. I'm not your mother. So please, hyung, just tell me the truth.”
Jaehwan sighs, and his eyes bore into Hongbin's. ”I'm not doing drugs. Do I look like a drug addict to you?” And he turns around to leave again, but Hongbin grabs his wrist, holding him in place. When Jaehwan looks back at him, he shakes his head, quietly pleading with his best friend to cut the crap and admit what he already knows.
”Everyone knows,” Hongbin says softly. ”So just... Don't lie any more. Please, hyung.”
Jaehwan's eyes find the ground, and finally, his defenses fall. Just barely, but enough for the truth to be out in the open. ”I just mean that I'm not... I'm not addicted. I'm not an addict.” His gaze flickers over Hongbin's face, and he looks frightened, like he wants to run away. ”I have it under control - we both have it under control, Taekwoon hyung and I. We're not addicts.”
Hongbin lets go of his wrist. ”Then what are you?”
”I'm- you know how some people only smoke cigarettes at parties?” Hongbin nods. ”I'm like that. I only... get high at parties. It's not a big deal, really, I know it sounds bad, but I promise you I have it under control.”
He may or may not be panicking, Hongbin realizes, and he wishes he would calm down, because seeing him like this is breaking Hongbin's resolve. ”And Taekwoon hyung? What is he?”
Jaehwan opens his mouth, stops himself and falls silent. He looks away, and Hongbin nods. As he thought.
”He's the one who got you into this mess, isn't he?”
”I have free will,” Jaehwan replies, suddenly seeming a little offended. ”He didn't force me to do anything, if that's what you're saying.”
Hongbin thinks that there are more ways to force someone than to physically place a pill in their mouth and cover their nose until they swallow, but he leaves it unsaid. In a wordless understanding, they walk over the lawn towards the playground. ”So you were at a party last night?” Hongbin asks as they draw closer.
”Not really,” Jaehwan says, before realizing his mistake. ”I mean... me and Taekwoon hyung arranged one.”
”Really? Who else was there?”
A heavy pause. ”Just... Just hyung and me.”
Hongbin feels himself quivering. ”So how exactly do you define a party, hyung?”
”Look, getting technical won't solve anything,” Jaehwan says, waving his hands about. ”That's not what's important here.”
”Then what is important?”
”The fact that I'm not addicted. That I only do it when I choose to.”
”But why?”
”Why what?”
”Why do you do it? If you're not addicted.”
Jaehwan shrugs. ”Entertainment.”
”Entertainment?” Hongbin repeats in disbelief. Jaehwan nods at him. ”Come on, hyung, there's gotta be more to it than that, when you know how dangerous it is.”
”It's not dangerous if you know what you're doing,” Jaehwan argues. Hongbin feels out of his depth. They step into the sandbox surrounding the swing sets, each of them sinking down on a swing and letting them rock them slowly, slowly, back and forth.
Hongbin takes a deep breath. ”If there's something you're unhappy with, drugs won't solve it.” But why would Jaehwan ever listen to him, who obviously has no idea what he's talking about? He's just like everyone else surrounding Jaehwan right now, talking and yelling about stuff they can't understand, stuff that Jaehwan can only share with Taekwoon. He isn't special. So how can he convince him to stop? Is that even what he should be doing?
”I'm not unhappy,” Jaehwan says, trying his hardest to make it seem sincere, complete with a light-hearted giggle, but Hongbin doesn't buy it. ”At least I wasn't until everyone started bugging me about this crap.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes, much to Hongbin's surprise.
”You smoke now, too? Since when?”
Jaehwan places the cigarette between his lips and searches his other pocket for a lighter. ”I don't know, two weeks, maybe?” He finds the lighter, brings it to his face and clicks it until a small flame rises. Once the cigarette is lit, he inhales deeply. ”Do you want a taste?” he asks then, and smoke wells out of his mouth as he does so.
”No,” Hongbin says, feeling more and more upset with the direction their conversation is heading. Jaehwan shrugs and takes another puff, his gaze somewhere far away in the distance, and once again Hongbin wonders what he's supposed to do. He watches the smoke out of the corner of his eye, discontentment rising with it, and he feels so terribly uncool and geeky, a goody twoshoes who won't even try a cigarette; Jaehwan must really be wondering what he's doing with such a nerd.
”You know what? Fuck it, let me try,” he says, extending a hand for Jaehwan to place the cigarette in. The older raises an eyebrow at him, and Hongbin thinks he's having second thoughts about letting him try it, but then he hands it over, curious smile playing on his lips. Hongbin takes the cigarette between his fingers, doesn't give himself time to reconsider but brings it to his lips and gives a tentative suck. Something hot and uncomfortable infects his lungs at once, and he coughs, splutters and coughs some more until he thinks his airways are going to tear from it all.
”Jesus fucking christ!” he chokes and holds out the cigarette in the general direction of Jaehwan, his eyes tearing. The older laughs whole-heartedly, but not maliciously, and for a moment Hongbin forgets why they're here. ”Why would anyone ever want to do this to themselves?”
Jaehwan laughs louder. ”It gets better if you stick with it.”
”I think I'll leave that part to the rest of you.”
Jaehwan shrugs as he goes back to smoking. Hongbin tries to shake himself back into shape and do what he's supposed to, but he's dizzy now, dizzy and a little nauseous, and it's making it hard for him to concentrate. But then he remembers the broken look on Sanghyuk's face earlier, and he clenches his jaw.
”I'll say it honestly,” he begins, and Jaehwan turns to him, worry clear in his eyes. ”Ever since you and Taekwoon hyung started doing your thing, I feel like I don't really know how to talk to you.”
Jaehwan chews on his lip before he speaks. ”Yeah, I know.”
”I don't know how to be your friend when you have him, and... I worry about you.”
Jaehwan smiles affectionately at him. ”You don't have to worry, Kong-ah. You're still my best friend, not Taekwoon hyung.”
”Okay, well, that's not the main cause of my worries,” Hongbin says, awkward, tilted smile on his face.
”Look, Hongbin, you have to trust me,” Jaehwan says then, throwing what's left of his cigarette into the sand. Hongbin resists the need to pick it up and throw it in a trashcan. ”I know what I'm doing. And you do trust me, right?”
Jaehwan's eyes are searching as they observe him, and Hongbin has to look away, because in truth, he doesn't trust the other very much right now. Not anymore. ”No matter if I trust you or not, I don't trust pills and powder,” he says, shrugging. ”I've heard enough horror stories to know where it all might... end up.”
”I promise you,” Jaehwan starts, and Hongbin already feels bad about where it's going. ”The moment I start to feel scared, like it's becoming too much or like I can't control it, I'll stop. Okay?”
His eyes are soft, in the kind way that makes Jaehwan who he really is. Hongbin wonders then why he thought he had changed so much; he's right here, the way he has always been, and he's not unreasonable. Well, not exaggeratedly so, anyway. He reminds himself that he can't forget that this guy punched his own little brother in the face only a couple of hours ago.
”I'm sorry, but that's not enough for me,” Hongbin says, kicking into the sand below his feet. ”I worry about you so much, I feel like I'm going to be sick.” Jaehwan kicks himself towards Hongbin on his swing, and when he's close enough, he reaches out a hand to put on his wrist. Hongbin stares at the the place where their skin meets, and he's scared. ”Is 'for entertainment' really a good enough reason to keep doing this, even when it's so dangerous?”
The older looks like he's about to give him the 'it's not dangerous' argument again, but it seems to die down on his tongue. ”I could quit, it's not a question of that. It's just that I don't really want to,” he says with a laugh. Hongbin stares at him, at the way he looks so at ease with what he's saying, when in Hongbin's mind that sounds exactly like being addicted. Not wanting to quit. Realization dawns on Jaehwan's face. ”You're going to ask me to quit, aren't you?”
Hongbin puts on his best pleading face. ”Please?”
”You said you wouldn't ask me to quit.” When Jaehwan releases his wrist, he's disappointed. But of course, he knew it wouldn't be that easy. Jaehwan's swing rocks him from side to side, and it almost hits Hongbin's in the process. It's starting to get late, Hongbin notices as he glances at his watch. The sun will disappear behind the treetops soon. But, ”I'll think about it, okay?” says Jaehwan, and the world still feels warm.
”Really?” Hongbin says, allowing all the hope he has to seep into his voice.
”Yeah. You know, this has changed things for me too, and I'm not sure how I feel about everything yet.” Hongbin holds his breath a little, and he doesn't know why he's surprised. He's known Jaehwan through all his life, after all. ”Just one more thing...”
Hongbin's heart beats a little faster, as it always does at Jaehwan's 'we need to talk's and 'I need to tell you something's. ”Yeah?”
The older pulls a hand through his light brown hair with an awkward, apologetic expression on his face. ”I hope you're not jealous of Taekwoon hyung.”
Hongbin laughs. ”Of course I am. You spend every waken moment with the guy.”
He's not embarrassed to admit that he's jealous, and he's not embarrassed when Jaehwan laughs. ”Right.” He scratches at his neck, embarrassed for the both of them, and Hongbin can't help but smile. ”Well... For one thing, you're much kinder than he is,” Jaehwan offers. ”Hyung treats me well, but it's not like I'm blind to the fact that he's kind of an asshole to others. I could never... see him as my best friend.”
Struck by the feeling that there's a whole other conversation going on between them than he has thought until now, Hongbin meets Jaehwan's unwavering eyes.
”You have a place with me that no one else can take. Do you understand?”
Hongbin nods. ”I know what you mean.”
Jaehwan smiles at that, and Hongbin's heart races. He just hopes that Taekwoon doesn't have an even bigger place with Jaehwan, that Hongbin can't fill.