Depersona (Part B)
Title: Depersona
Pairing: Homin
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst (I'm not kidding), drama, smut, romance
Summary: Yunho & Changmin are estranged after the split, and Yunho finds himself slipping deeper into insanity. Set in 2010.
Wordcount: 17,109
Part A
On the third day, Yunho has to realize something's wrong.
It starts from the moment he gets up in the morning. He looks around the room and feels like he can't see it even though it's right there, right in front of him. Even his own skin feels strange when he holds up his hand in front of his face. Even as he strokes his palm slowly, it's like he can't feel it, even though he does, somewhere. It seems like his mind has fallen behind.
He gets up and takes a cold shower, gradually turning the temperature down, down, down, until his head aches he's shivering from the cold. Then he gets out, dries his hair, and the feeling is still there.
So he goes to his room, opens his window, and leans out as far as he can. The warm summer air feels cooling against his face, and he closes his eyes, thinking maybe that's what he needs. Maybe he just needs to get out for a bit. But then he opens his eyes, and the feeling is still there.
He can't think of what to do, and he doesn't know how it became this way. It's like he leaves a part of him behind in his dreams when he wakes up, like a part of him has gone to sleep and just can't seem to wake up. Yunho wonders, not without horror rising in his chest, how long it's going to go on for.
And then the days start rolling by, uncontrollably, and Yunho can't even bring his head around to know what date it is. What day of the week it is. It's like he never brings his head around with him when he wakes up, but goes through the days sleeping even though he's awake.
One night, he sits on his bed, so filled with the knowledge that nothing feels real anymore, and the panic comes out of nowhere. He feels as though his soul has been pushed in too far, and he's drowning beneath layers of his own flesh, and he can't get out. He's constantly pushed further and further down, and into what? He doesn't know, insanity, maybe? And he's terrified that maybe one day he will disappear completely, because he can't even be sure he's real anymore.
So the panic comes and he can't sit down for another second, he's shaking, at least he can feel that much, and he walks over to his mirror, staring at his reflection that seems so unfamiliar and strange, and he wants to pull it out of there, because something is wrong. This is not who he is. This is not the things he feels, not the thoughts he has. Whatever made this happen, he needs to undo it, he needs to go back and undo, and what was it? Was it the alcohol? Was it the stress? Was it staying in his room for too long? Was it not eating properly? He needs to fix it all, and all at once, but he can't, because he can't make his thoughts function properly, and he falls down to the floor, unable to stand up any longer.
He crawls to his bed, ripping the sheets out of place as he pulls himself up, but he doesn't notice. They feel distant beneath his hands. And then he wraps his duvet around himself and presses his face down into the pillow, because maybe choking himself would be better than living through all of this, but then he laughs because it's not possible for a human being to strangle himself and actually die. He knows that. He's not an idiot.
But hell, it would be such a relief.
He drifts off to sleep while the tears pour. He prays, and prays, and prays harder that when he wakes up, he'll be himself again.
Morning comes, the panic is gone, but the world is still a distant mess around his head.
Changmin doesn't speak to him. Not because he ignores Yunho as the older tries to talk to him, no, because Yunho doesn't try. He's still firm in his belief that if they were to speak, they'd end up nothing but hurt.
But Yunho is scared that he'll go insane if he doesn't get help, so he pushes that thought aside for a while.
Changmin leaves the apartment more often when he and Yunho don't speak. And when he's home, they come out of their rooms at different times to eat, making sure not to run into each other. And Yunho knows why he is doing it, sure, but he's not all that sure about Changmin. Because the last thing Yunho said to him was hurtful, of course, but Changmin isn't the type to avoid. He gets hurt, then he gets over it, and he confronts. Annoying, most of the time, but undeniably something that Yunho himself needs, the way he avoids his problems until they crash into him head on.
So he's terrified when he goes over to Changmin's room and knocks.
"Yeah," comes Changmin's dull voice from inside. Yunho opens the door. Changmin is sitting on his bed with his laptop on his lap, back against the headboard. "What?" he asks without looking up.
"What are you up to?" Yunho says pathetically, and he already wants to cry.
Changmin sighs. "Not much." A pause, then: "Why?"
"I, uh..." Yunho tries. "I was wondering if maybe you wanted to do something. Watch a movie, or something."
Changmin cocks an eyebrow. "And why would I want to do that, suddenly?"
Yunho chokes back the sobs that work their way up his throat. "Changmin, I..." he tries, but then he bursts into tears, because he hasn't even thought of how to try and explain this insanity to the younger, and he doesn't even care, so why does he even try? And he doesn't have enough room in his heart to hurt any more over the fact that Changmin doesn't care, Changmin doesn't want him there, and everything flows over.
"Hyung, what-" Changmin asks, immediately putting his laptop aside and getting up on his knees. "What's going on? Did something happen?"
Yunho tries to speak, really tries to speak, but he can only gesture because he doesn't know what to say, and he knows he's making everything worse again. Crying isn't going to help anything. "I- I-"
"Alright, hyung, alright," Changmin hurries, climbing out of the bed and hurrying up to where Yunho is standing. "We'll watch a movie. Don't worry."
It's awkward, but Changmin sets everything up. He asks Yunho what movie he wants to watch, but Yunho can't do anything other than shrug through his tears, and Changmin grabs the nearest DVD and puts it in. Yunho can't imagine how much he'd rather go back to his laptop and his games or chats or whatever it was that he was doing, and he wants to say "it's fine, go back, you don't have to take care of me," but again the words won't come out. He feels like he's lost control of his body, and though there's so much he wants to do, he can't.
They sit on opposite ends of the couch watching a movie they've both seen a hundred times before. Yunho can't make his mind wake up, and he doesn't know what to blame it on anymore.
Halfway through the movie, Changmin looks over at Yunho. "Hyung," he says, skips the bullshit and says: "What's wrong? Why were you crying earlier?"
Yunho keeps his eyes on the TV. "I..." he says, trying to will himself to calm down, but without control. His breathing speeds up. "I think I'm sick," he says eventually, and Changmin stares at him in confusion.
"What do you mean, sick?"
Still keeping his attention on the TV, Yunho opens his mouth, but he doesn't know what to say. What kind of sick is this, really? He hasn't heard of an illness that makes you feel insane, like your body isn't yours, like you're not really awake. And it's not something he really wants people to know about him, either - the fact that maybe he's just simply gone insane. And maybe there's more in store. Maybe this is just the beginning.
Changmin lifts the remote and simply turns the TV off. "You're going to tell me what's going on," he says, and Yunho swallows.
"I... I feel like all of this is in a dream. Like it's not really happening, like I'm not awake."
Changmin shifts beside him. Yunho hates crying more than ever, but the tears still fall. "How do you mean?" the younger asks, and Yunho wants to give up, forget he ever said anything, and run away again.
"I don't know," he says desperately, knowing he sounds like a little kid that's too tired and needs to be put to bed. "I don't know, Changmin. I feel like I'm going crazy," he sobs, covering his face in shame and fear, so aware of the possibility that Changmin won't care, won't have anything to say, won't even believe him. He cries harder, and before he knows it, Changmin's arms encircle his shoulders and pull him in. He stills, but the fear doesn't go away.
"Hyung, don't worry," the younger says, softly. "I'm sure it's just exhaustion. It'll go away in the morning."
"It's been like this for days," he chokes out through his tears. "I don't even know how many." It's embarrassing, pathetic and anything but something a leader should do, but he can't help himself. He can't stop. And Changmin is holding him, his arms are there, he's so close and he can feel his fresh scent, but he can't feel it, and it's making him even crazier. Changmin's right there, but so distant, and Yunho can't feel like he's actually holding him.
So Yunho clings harder, and harder, and harder, but it doesn't help. "Still," says Changmin, "it'll pass. I promise. Don't worry about it."
Changmin tries his hardest to be reassuring, and Yunho knows this, but he doesn't know how to trust his words when the two of them don't even seem to live in the same world anymore.
They stay like that while Yunho cries, and Changmin whispers at him: "Hush, go to sleep, hyung," and Yunho thinks: "Why? It's all I do," but eventually he drifts into real sleep, calm in his body, though nightmares haunt his mind.
It doesn't get really bad again until a few days later. Changmin leaves home to see his friends, though not without knocking on Yunho's door with a worried expression on his face first. "Do you need me to stay home?" he asks again, just like last time, and Yunho wonders if he doesn't get tired.
"No," Yunho says, not sure if he's lying or not.
"I'll be home early," Changmin assures, and Yunho hates it. It fools him that the younger man cares.
"Just go," he says, and Changmin does.
And all hell breaks loose.
The apartment is so silent, but Yunho can't bring himself to turn on the TV or the stereo. Instead he wanders through the rooms, humming softly to himself, feeling like the limbs and muscles of his body are slowly decaying along with his mind. Words pass through his thoughts unrestrainedly, and he can't stop them, can't do anything to affect them. All he can do is listen.
And he does.
And they go on and on about Jaejoong, Yoochun, Junsu, Changmin, TVXQ, the past, the future, the unbearable present, and the fact that Yunho himself will probably never get out of this feeling alive. These thoughts blow past him in their hurry to be created, and he doesn't mind much, because it keeps other feelings at bay, and somehow it makes him so awfully... inspired. He runs back to his room, jerks the door open,
and steps out on the crusty snow beneath green stars. He loses his breath.
Laughing, he leans down and drags his nail over the snow, shivers going down his back at the ripping sound it causes. Then he stills and does a double take, because there are tracks here, tracks left by a human being in a pair of boots, and they lead all the way from where Yunho is standing, up to, he guesses, the abandoned house in the distance.
He pales. Looking behind him, he sees the tracks coming from somewhere in the dark. And when he looks down, he sees his own two feet standing right in them, fitting perfectly. He doesn't know if the tracks are his, but it seems logical.
But it doesn't make sense. He doesn't want to go to the house, and he shouldn't. No good can come of it. So, no, he thinks, he's just going to refuse, and stay right where he is. He's just about to sink to his knees when he sees it.
The house is on fire. It's not obvious yet, so the flames must still be small, Yunho realizes, which means there's still time to save it. So he looks down at the tracks in front of him, winces, whines, stares at the flames and wishes they would disappear on their own, and then he sets off, jumping thought the footprints until he reaches land and the ground starts to slope. "No, no, no, no," he groans with each step he takes, because he dreads going up to the house so badly, he wants to turn around and run the other way, wants to forget about this goddamn house and just stay with his warm snow and beloved green stars, but he looks up, and it seems the stars are still there with him. So that must be alright, he figures.
He makes his way between trees and over snow, rounds the big, worn-down house to get to the main entrance, and when he sees it, he stops.
Because there's no snow underneath his feet, and this door is not new to him. He's never seen it before in real life, of course; only on creepy sasaeng blogs that he really should not be on, but does go on anyway, from time to time.
He looks up at the slightly dark, somewhat cloudy sky, and that's when realization hits: he should not be here.
He reaches back over his shoulder for a hoodie to pull up and hide his face, but he realizes he's only wearing a t-shirt. So he turns around and runs for all he's worth, faster than he probably ever has, because he needs to get as far away as he can from this house, this house that's the new residence of a certain Kim Jaejoong.
It probably goes without saying that when Yunho gets back to their apartment, he's terrified out of his mind. And as much as he wishes it wouldn't, he knows it's going to happen again, because he can't prevent it.
He doesn't know the place with the frozen lake and the stars that know his name, but he loves it nonetheless. It’s the only place in Yunho's entire life where things are what they're supposed to be. He hopes the house burned down, though, so that Yunho won't ever have to see it again; hopes it burned to the ground and that there's nothing but a pile of ashes left. And he honestly can't wait to find out.
But if his visits to that new place are going to make him physically do things that will bring on consequences, he needs to do something. Anything. Because he can't just appear on Jaejoong's doorstep all of a sudden, and he doesn't want to. No, why would he want to see the other man? Why, after everything? Why now, now that he's done with the three of them? Not to mention the trouble he'd get in with the company if they knew.
He sinks down on the bed in his room, panting heavily. He needs to do something because he doesn't know when it's going to happen next. In two minutes? In two days? He pulls out his cellphone with only one thought in his mind: Changmin.
First: Changmin can never know what just happened.
Then: The last time Yunho went to this other place, he came back with his hand on Changmin's doorknob. When Changmin then went out with his friends, Yunho also walked out the door.
Conclusion: Changmin needs to always be around. If Changmin is there, everything will be okay.
So he dials his number quicker than he ever has, and then he waits.
"Hello?"
"Come home," Yunho orders, not begs.
"What?" Changmin asks, sounding more annoyed than worried, Yunho thinks.
"You need to come home."
A pause, and there's people laughing in the background. "Why?"
"Just..." Yunho tries, not until now realizing that he really must sound insane. And he still has no way to explain himself. "Do as I say. Please." And he's still not begging.
Changmin appears to consider his words for a moment. "Is everything alright?"
"No," Yunho says without hesitation, because that's the only thing he's sure of.
"What happened?"
"Just come home," Yunho bites out.
"Alright, alright," Changmin surrenders, and the laughter is silenced. "Just be prepared when all my friends hate you for killing the party."
"I'm sure they can manage without you," he breathes, and knows that that's the difference between Yunho and Changmin's other friends.
And when Changmin walks in the door, it's like Yunho sees him in a new light for the first time. The relief that completely floods his body overpowers him completely, and the need that wells up and takes its place makes him hurry over to the door before Changmin has even had a chance to remove his shoes.
"What's going on?" Changmin asks, not taking his eyes off his hyung when he bends down.
"You need to... be here," Yunho says simply.
Changmin steps out of his shoes and stands up straight again. "What?" he says with a shake of his head.
"You just need to be here, all the time." He knows he's being unreasonable, but he's terrified of what will happen if Changmin leaves him again.
"Hyung..." Changmin takes a step forward and places his hands on Yunho's shoulders. "You're starting to freak me out a little." Yunho stares back at him helplessly. "What is it that you're not telling me?"
"I just," he pants in reply, "I feel like I'm going insane." Changmin frowns, and Yunho doesn't want to panic again. "Everything gets worse if you're not here."
The younger withdraws his hands. "But you barely even talk to me when I'm here."
"But I want to," Yunho says, definitely begging now. "I want to, all the time."
"So why don't you?" Changmin says, and his tone is cold now as he walks past Yunho into the apartment, dumping his bag on the floor.
"Because," Yunho tries, and there's so many reasons, like because Changmin hates him, because he loves Changmin and has some kind of romantic feelings for him, because he needs him so much that if Changmin doesn't give him what he wants, then he will break beyond repair, and because Yunho thinks he might have gone insane and he's afraid of what might happen. "Because I don't know what's happening to me," he says.
Changmin walks into the living room and sinks down on the couch. Yunho follows reluctantly. "You don't look any different to me," the younger says, eyeing Yunho carefully.
Yunho does a double take. "I don't?" he asks, surprised. Until now, he's been convinced he must look like a true basket case.
"No. Same old Yunho." Changmin's eyes are still on him, and for some reason, those words calm him down considerably. Yunho remains where he's standing until Changmin motions him over. "Come sit down for a while."
Not needing to be told twice, Yunho hurries over, but sits down as far away from Changmin as he can.
"It's not better yet?" Changmin asks. "The feeling you were talking about?"
Yunho shakes his head. "No. I think... it's getting worse."
Changmin smiles sadly at him. "Hyung, maybe you should go see a doctor about it."
"I should go see a doctor and tell him I'm going crazy?" Yunho asks, just raising an eyebrow.
"It's been recommended," Changmin says with a slight laugh. "But I'm just thinking, what if you really are coming down with something?" Yunho frowns. "You told me yourself you felt like you were getting sick."
"Yeah," Yunho agrees, "but..." He wants to argue and say that it's not physical, but then again, that's a lie, because the physical world is what doesn't feel real to him anymore. It's something he just can't put his finger on, and he doesn't want to talk to a doctor about it, even though he wants to know what it is and what's going on with him. "I just don't..."
"I'm not going to force you," Changmin says quietly. "But if you're so worried that you're even calling me over, then I think you should go see a doctor. Because that's where your help is."
Yunho looks away, because he can't explain the mixed safety and despair Changmin’s presence brings Yunho. Can't explain that everything currently revolves around Changmin being there or being gone. Can't explain how he wants the younger man to wrap his arms around him and hold him so tightly it hurts, kiss him until his lips sting and ache and he can actually feel that he's alive.
That's what he wants. And he imagines that if he was kissing Changmin with his eyes closed, it wouldn't matter if the rest of the world felt unreal.
"Everything gets worse if you're not here," he mumbles again. As he says it, he realizes that it has nothing to do with his new condition, his new insanity - it's all about his own personality, his needs, and the love he has for the other man.
Changmin moves closer and puts a hand on his thigh. "I don't understand, but okay. If it helps that I'm around, then I'll be around. Alright?"
But Yunho catches himself right as he starts feeling happy and contented, and he gets up and excuses himself. "It's late," he says, and he sees the look of disbelief on the younger man's face before he hurries off to his room.
He lies down on his bed and the sheets are still all in a mess. He thinks that maybe, maybe if he can visit the place with the green stars, he might come back about to fall into Changmin's room again, and he can use that excuse to be close to the other man. Maybe.
And he knows that if he lies down, turns out the light and closes his eyes, he can fool himself that he's asleep. It's that simple. Because Yunho is always dreaming, and the part of his mind that's actually awake is easy to look past.
Goodnight,
he tells himself with a smile.
He turns out the lamp with a click, and the last flash of light shimmers in green.
Yunho wakes up in the middle of the night. One look at the clock on his nightstand tells him that's it's 3:20 in the morning, and there's nothing better than that to Yunho's mind. He realizes he loves the state of just waking up, because that's the only part of the day where he actually feels normal. Waking up, just about to break through that wall of sleep.
But he's still in his bed, not in the new place, and not in Changmin's room. And he needs to do something about that, quickly, before this wonderful feeling of being normal disappears. So he gets up, climbs out of bed, almost walks into a wall when the head rush sets in, and then he hurries out of his room.
The apartment is dark and silent, and his eyes want to fall shut again, but Yunho wills himself to wait just another moment. He sneaks over to Changmin's door, finds it to his surprise not fully closed, and then he glides in, careful not to wake the younger man.
Changmin is fast asleep on his side, and there's only a tiny space in the bed beside him. But Yunho doesn't mind, doesn't mind sleeping on 50 centimeters if he has to, so he lifts the cover as slowly as he can, and then he crawls in behind Changmin, wrapping his arm around his waist.
The younger stirs instantly, making a slight "mph" sound, but Yunho is too busy soaking in the warmth beneath the duvet to pay it any thought. The heat fills him up completely, and he closes his eyes, snuggling into Changmin's pillow and letting his fingers spread out over Changmin's clothed stomach.
"Yunho?" the younger mumbles hoarsely, but Yunho doesn't reply. He holds the other man's body tighter in response, and Changmin groans again. Then he sighs heavily, pushing his entire body back into Yunho's, who has to fight for a breath, the closeness making it hard for him to breathe. Changmin relaxes into him, and the weight is nearly enough to knock Yunho off his tiny space on the bed, but he bears with it, because it's warm and home and everything he's wanted for years. It calms him, makes him feel safe, protected, and so unbelievably turned on that he's not sure what to do.
All the emotions run through him in a haze and he's relieved, because he feels so much and it's all real.
He drifts back to sleep.
He wakes up when Changmin scoots over to give him more space. Yunho follows, but in his sleep-foggy mind he decides to turn away from the younger, just to see what would happen. If Changmin could hold him, hold him for real this time, simply because he wants to.
So he turns over, and then he waits.
Changmin turns the other way.
They're called into a meeting the next day. They're told their superiors have come to a decision regarding TVXQ: they're going to return as a duo for the SMTown concert a little over a month from now, and it's just on trial. To see the audience's reactions to the two of them together.
Rehearsals are to start immediately. They want solos from both of them, a medley of old songs, with a mixture of something new. Something that could promise something for the future, just to see the fans' reaction.
Yunho hates it. He's known all along that himself and Changmin would have little to no say in what's going to happen to them, that fact is harder to digest than he'd thought it would. See, because since this is what management chooses to do with them, it must mean Yunho and Changmin as TVXQ must be their first choice - which probably means that that's what's going to happen in the end.
And that means Yunho and Changmin are stuck with each other for years ahead. No matter what happens with the two of them. And Yunho is apparently incurable - he can't keep his addiction for Changmin at bay, and he can't stop himself from building that old hope up again and again after he's torn it down for himself. He's stuck in an endless cycle of attacking and withdrawing, and Changmin is left not understanding what's going on.
At least Yunho hopes he doesn't.
The point is, Yunho thinks, is that it's unfair. It's unfair to both of them, not only because they don't have a choice in the matter, but it's unfair towards Changmin because he's done nothing wrong.
The anger comes with unexpected force as soon as dance practice starts.
Yunho is disoriented, dizzy and tired from the word 'go'. He tells himself it's because he's simply not used to dancing, it's been a while now since they performed anywhere, but he knows it's not. It's just another fun effect that's included in the whole package of his insanity. And the medley they've put together - a mix of The Way U Are, Rising Sun, Mirotic and Purple Line - is mostly a mix of Yunho's own parts, with Changmin joining him only for The Way U Are and Mirotic.
And it's pathetic, Yunho thinks. It's disgusting. Because the parts chosen from the songs are no more than 20 seconds each, and he listens to it with growing discontentment, because is that all that the other three left when they took off? Is that all they have now, these short clips of songs they all used to love, short clips that display his loneliness and that does nothing but hurt?
Because, Yunho thinks as he easily recalls the moves they used to do as five, if it wasn't because of the other three's betrayal, Yunho wouldn't be in this state now. That is the simple truth. He wouldn't have had a reason to get drunk that night and he wouldn't have woken up like this.
And it makes every single move, every single flick of the hand hurt with the power of the love he used to hold for each and every one of them.
"It's just something we need to get used to," Changmin says as they've just finished going through the medley a third time. "If we do it enough times, it'll be like it's always been this way. Just the two of us."
But the taste in Yunho's mouth is sour. "Doesn't feel like it," he says, and the background dancers give each other some awkward looks.
"It will, though," Changmin says enthusiastically. "I promise."
"You and your fucking promises," Yunho hisses, because he's sick of Changmin trying to comfort him with promises that never hold. The younger stares at him, taken aback by his words. "Let's go over it again," Yunho says then, clapping his hands to get the background dancers' attention, as if they hadn't all been listening tentatively already.
Yunho doesn't give a damn that Changmin is male. He doesn't care that a relationship with him would jeopardize their entire careers. It doesn't matter what other people would think about them. No, that's never been a problem for Yunho.
But hurting each other is starting to become such a habit now that he's not sure how to stop.
Part C