Depersona (Part A)
Title: Depersona
Pairing: Homin
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst (I'm not kidding), drama, smut, romance
Summary: Yunho & Changmin are estranged after the split, and Yunho finds himself slipping deeper into insanity. Set in 2010.
Wordcount: 17,109
A/N:
Okay, guys. I have a feeling this A/N might become as long as the fic itself, but please, bear with me. I'll try to keep it short.
This fic is about a condition called Depersonalization. What it means is basically that you never feel like you're awake, feel like you're always dreaming, that you can't connect to reality, etc. It can come from either drug use or excessive stress, and there is, to my knowledge, no known cure.
This is something that's for me, personally, incredibly hard to come to terms with and accept, so I think this is me trying to stop... trying to get better, because there's no way. That basically what I'm trying to do with this fic. I'm not sure if it's going to make any sense to anyone apart from me, but I'm posting it either way.
And here's the thing, right: there are some tricks you can use to make yourself feel a little better when you have DP, and I purposely didn't do any of them while I wrote this fic. I wrote it for 10 hours today, and I feel like absolute crap now and will not be using this method again any time soon, haha.
Hallucinations is not part of Depersonalization. Just wanted to put that out there.
Okay, enough with the therapy moment. I hope you can somehow enjoy this fic even though the subject is a bit ??? Also, the title 'Depersona' comes from my dad, who sat me down very seriously one day and said "I think you should write a book about Depersonalization. I even have a title for you." Sorry dad, no book from me just yet, how about some gay fanfiction first? :D
It's horrible from the start.
They aren't allowed out on any public appearances, no interviews, no performances, no nothing. And frankly, Yunho is glad, because for a long time he still can't look Changmin in the eye. Can't speak to him. Can't say a word to him, and that in a time when they probably need each other like never before.
There's a possibility that him and Changmin will become a duo, will continue their dysfunctional family life like one of those that become torn in two, go their separate ways and try to pretend they forgot about everything they had together. It's not 100% certain; could be that the company understands that the fans will never see them as a duo, that the space of the lost three will never be filled, and that Changmin will debut as a solo singer, and Yunho will...
Yunho will...
He doesn't know. He doesn't think he has the singing talent of a solo artist, not in the way Changmin does, and despite years of experience, so, so much experience, since the lawsuit he doesn't feel particularly confident about his MCing and entertaining skills at all.
So maybe it'd just be best for him to dwindle away. The fans would never allow it without an explanation, and he's aware of that - painfully aware of that - but he feels like he has more pressing issues to worry about.
Like Changmin for example.
Changmin has changed. He was always a kind of sad person - this kind of person who doesn't feel like his opinion actually has any significance, this kind of person that lets other people decide and says it's fine and hides his discontented sneer from everyone around him. He's always been the kind of person to pull away, to take a step back and only come forward if someone orders him to.
Yes, he has always been a sad kind of person, but it's different now. It's not the same sadness. Yunho can tell that Changmin has completely lost faith in everything, in life, in friendship, in trust, though his lips form the words "I am fine, hyung, don't worry," on the rare occasion that Yunho can make himself lift his gaze and raise his voice.
Changmin never used to go out. He used to stay in and brood a lot, but now Changmin doesn't even do that. He does nothing.
"I'm sorry," Yunho tries once, twice, sometimes.
Changmin just shrugs and shakes his head, and doesn't meet Yunho's gaze. "What for?"
And Yunho bites down on his lip, staring down into the food on his place, wondering how long this will go on for. He wants them to be what they used to. And come on, Changmin and Yunho have always gotten along great, they've always loved each other like people outside the group wouldn't be able to understand, and it's not like other three could possibly have taken that with when they left, could they? "I'm sorry that I couldn't make them stay."
Changmin chews his food slower. "It's not something you did. It's something they did."
"But I'm the leader. Keeping the members in line is my responsibility."
There's no good answer. Maybe Changmin is right, maybe it isn't Yunho's fault. The younger shrugs, still staring intently down at his plate.
They don't speak for a day and a half.
Yunho starts thinking more and more about what it would be like to disappear.
Not physically disappear off the face of the earth, of course, but to disappear from the entertainment industry. The more he considers it, the more the thought of no pressure appeals to him, and soon he craves it.
That is, until he realizes that disappearing a lot of the time is the same as being forgotten.
And that's when he reaches the point of no return. The thought of being forgotten and left behind, not disappearing on his own conditions, dumps a bucket of panic over his head, and he doesn't know what to do. He wants to stay with Changmin, he wants them to continue on together, but when he glances over at the other man from where he sits on the living room couch, he can't imagine how Changmin could possibly feel the same. Anyone who didn't know who they were, anyone looking in from the outside, would probably think they were two awkward strangers. Possibly two friends who betrayed each other beyond repair.
And Yunho doesn't know why, because they didn't betray each other. Changmin is the only person in the group who didn't betray him, and Yunho is the only person who did not betray Changmin. So why? Why is it so hard for them to look at each other?
"Changmin," he says, hiding the tone of desperation.
"Yeah?"
Changmin stands with his back towards him, searching for something in a book case. Yunho has absolutely no idea what to say, so he rubs his hands together - they're so cold - and sighs. "I'm glad, you know..." He pauses, clears his throat, doesn't seem to wake the other man's curiosity. "...that you stayed with me. That you didn't leave with them."
There's no reply, and Yunho isn't surprised. "I don't know what to say to that," the younger says after a few moments of silence.
"Do you wish you had gone with them?" Yunho continues, unable to stop himself - he doesn't want to know, he absolutely doesn't, but he needs to say something, needs to get words between them, get honesty between them and get back to where they were.
Changmin finally turns around, but his eyes are locked with the spot next to Yunho on the couch. "Do you?" is his only reply.
Yunho feels the leader-switch turn on in his head. "No," he says brightly, the potential lie tasting so sour in his mouth. "I think you and I will be fine on our own. I think we'd make a great duo." He looks up at Changmin with anticipation, and it surprises him that he still has the strength to hope for something. He looks up his youngest member, his... only member, and beneath all the fear and awkwardness he remembers the endless affection he holds for the younger man.
Changmin slowly makes his way over to him, rounds the coffee table and sinks down next to Yunho on the couch. His eyes are at Yunho's thighs. "I don't," he says softly.
Yunho loses his mind.
So Changmin doesn't want the two of them to continue the name of TVXQ. Changmin doesn't want them to work alone together, and Changmin doesn't want to be around him. He should have figured, Yunho guesses, that the reason for their awkwardness would have been something like that, but he can't think of it too long. The pain is too much for him to physically bear.
Instead, he focuses on the job at hand. So no more TVXQ - that means, in order to not be forgotten, he needs to go solo. Which means he needs to up his game.
He goes down to the practice rooms in the SM building, and he cowers in one of the empty rooms where he once used to take singing lessons. He sits there alone, in front of a piano he doesn't touch, and sings to himself, grateful for the loneliness. He sings songs by other artists, but no SM artists - ugh, he's heard every single song the company has produced so many times that he's sick of them all by now. His voice is what it's always been. But he will sing until the sun rises if he needs to.
His list of songs runs thin, and soon he slips back into old habits. Old songs with five voices play in his head whenever he tries to come up with anything, and soon the words come out as if he had no control of his own. He sings his own parts, he sings Changmin's parts, and all the parts of those he will never sing together with again: all the parts of those he thought would sing together with forever.
Tears well up in his eyes. He hates it, but he can't stop it. He hates crying, and he always has. It's not very productive. And if he didn't want this to happen, if he didn't want to be left alone, then he should have taken better care of his members. He knows this. He only has himself to blame. But bitter tears still fall, his voice comes out choked, quivers, breaks, and Yunho knows he doesn't have what it takes.
The door opens. Yunho spins around in terror, and the person in the doorway is none other than Changmin. "What are you doing here?" Yunho bites out, stumbling away from the piano, eager to hide his pathetic tears.
Changmin raises an eyebrow, but Yunho isn't looking at him. "What?"
"What do you want?"
There's a silent moment when Yunho reaches up to wipe his tears. "Are you alright?" Changmin asks eventually, and the question makes Yunho's blood boil.
"I'm not in the mood for talking," he hisses. "So why are you here?"
Changmin shifts his weight between his feet, apparently at a loss for what to do with his hyung in this state. "Kyuhyun and Minho called and asked me to go over and have a drink," he explains, calmly but not without a strained voice. "I was just wondering whether you wanted to come along, or if you needed me to stay, or... I don't know."
Yunho gives him a glare. They make eye contact for a second and it's the first time in days, but Changmin looks away instantly. "Why would I need that?" Yunho asks. Changmin opens his mouth, closes it, and shrugs. Yunho turns away, walks back over to the piano and sits down. "Do what you want, I don't care," he mutters.
Changmin remains in the doorway for another few seconds. "Fine," he says then, and walks away. Yunho feels he hurt he inflicted on the other man so clearly, it cuts through the air and fills his lungs with guilt whenever he takes a breath, but he feels his own hurt so much stronger. It burns in stomach too heavily for him to handle, and he wills the tears to stay gone again.
Changmin says he doesn't blame Yunho for what happened, but Yunho knows he does.
And Yunho needs to do something about that burning feeling in his stomach. Changmin's comment about going over to his friends and drinking fills him with inspiration, and he stumbles back to their dorm, helplessly running over to their fridge for all he's worth. He pulls it open and smiles out of pure relief; there's soju and various kinds of beer lining the shelves on the door. Trust Changmin to always keep alcohol in the dorm for emergencies. Such as the one Yunho is currently experiencing, or the one that seems to cover their entire lives all the time nowadays.
He snaps open the first beer without a second thought and chugs.
Yunho comes to with his face down into the living room floor. How he got there, he has no idea, and he doesn't really care. He laughs, but stops immediately when he realizes how unbearably sick he feels. He tries to lift his hand, but every single inch of his body is drunk - there's no doubt about it - and he can't think. His thoughts seem unable to move around, and thank God, thank God, he laughs again.
"Hyung?" Changmin asks from behind him, closing their front door with a careful snap. "Hyung, what's going on? What are you doing?"
Yunho laughs again. He tries to speak, but he can't, and what would he say even if he could? Nothing has changed between him and Changmin, except for that he now knows that Changmin doesn't give a damn about him anymore.
"Are you drunk?" Changmin asks, and he's closer now, standing just beside Yunho's knees. "Jesus Christ, this is pathetic."
Yunho's eyes roll back in his head without his permission. "Pathetic, huh?" he breathes against the floor, "wait until you find out whose alcohol I drank." He laughs again and uses all of his remaining powers to turn over on his back, just so he can see Changmin's outraged expression. But his eyes are blurry, the back of his head hurts when it hits the floor, and there is no mortified expression on the other man's face. It's something else, maybe pity? Indifference? Whatever it is, it definitely isn't worry, Yunho decides. And that's fine, because Yunho didn't do this to worry him.
"You can't lie here," Changmin says, but his tone is dull and void of any kind of care. "Let's get you to bed." He reaches down to grab Yunho's arms and help him up, and something snaps inside of Yunho. Changmin grabs his hands and lifts them, but he pulls them back and they almost hit Yunho himself in the face. Changmin grabs him again, but this time Yunho pushes him away as forcefully as he can.
"Fuck off," he groans, hating the feeling of being inferior, hating the way Changmin seems to be dealing with his issues so much better than he does.
Changmin stand back up at once. "Fine, care for yourself," he says simply, and walks off, leaving Yunho there with his back against the hard floor.
He turns his head and looks towards Changmin's bedroom door. He never heard it close, but he assumes the younger slammed it shut. It wouldn't be the first time. Maybe it'll be the last time. And he faces the truth right there: the two of them aren't going to work together again, because with the loss of the other three came the loss of everything that either of them were before.
He looks up at the ceiling, and for a moment it dissolves. Yunho sees the black night sky and stars twinkling far away in the distance, so far away, and they shine in green, in sick, dark, metallic green that makes him lose his breath. He can almost smell the late night air, he thinks, and then he blinks, and he can't open his eyes again.
"You need to get a fucking grip. I'm not going to yell at you, because if I'm going to tell you what I think, I want to do it at a time when you'll actually be able to remember it in the morning."
Changmin's voice. So full of disdain and resentment. And how dare he speak to Yunho like that? Yunho who's the hyung, the leader, Yunho who was taken care of Changmin through all these years? He wants to open his mouth and shout at the youngest, but he can't move. Can't open his eyes. Can't move his lips. And the feeling of panic starts brewing in his stomach, because he feels like he can't break free, like he's trapped somewhere far beneath this layer of intoxication, and everything is out of his control. Anything can happen now.
Green stars flash before his eyes and for a split second he wants to open his mouth and scream.
"Thanks for coming over," Changmin mumbles. Not to Yunho this time, he assumes.
"No problem. I know what it’s like."
"Get his legs, and I'll take his arms, okay?"
"Yeah. On three?"
"One, two, three."
Yunho is lifted up into the air, and he wants to tense his body, help them keep his weight up, but he can't. And really, why should he? They walk like that for about half a minute, and then he's thrown down on a bed, his stomach twisting and churning in the short fall.
"Does Yunho hyung do this a lot?" the unknown voice asks. Stars twinkle past Yunho's eyes again.
"No, never," Changmin replies. The voices move towards the doorway, and fear flares in Yunho's stomach again, because he's sure he's going to die if he can't break out of this soon. "But he's getting out of control lately."
"Understandable."
"... I wouldn't say that exactly."
"I just mean with what you've been going through lately..."
"Yeah. Amazing how hard times have the ability to turn people into assholes."
"You don't mean that."
"Believe me, I do. When I tried to help him off the floor earlier, he told me to fuck off."
"...Did Yunho? Really?"
"Yes. He's always like that nowadays. I don't know why he hates me, but he does."
"That can't be true."
"He hates my guts. And I think I'm starting to hate him too, a little."
Yunho wakes up the next day and immediately wishes he hadn't. There's a warm pillow pressed against his face, an uncomfortable grumbling feeling in his stomach and the mother of all hangovers in every single cell of his body. He opens his eyes, closes them again. Then he sits up and vomits over the side of his bed.
Dealing with someone's vomit isn't necessarily going to make them grow fonder of you, and Yunho knows that, but when he hangs off the toilet with the taste of acid burning in his mouth, he can't bring himself to care. Changmin cleans up in his room without complaint, and then comes over to the bathroom and leans against the door frame.
"You definitely owe me something pretty now," he says, a very strained attempt at sounding casual.
It breaks Yunho's heart, and he wants to scream and shout again. "Someone was here last night," he bites out, wiping the sweat off his forehead. "Who was it?"
Changmin narrows his eyes a little, not fond of being ignored. "Kyuhyun."
Yunho steadies himself on his knees with his eyes closed, thankful to have a reason not to look at the younger man. "I heard the way you talked about me with him. I don't appreciate it."
The younger stands in stunned silence for a while, and then his hand shoots up to scratch at the back of his neck - something he does often in stressed situations. "Am I supposed to take all your shit every day and then not vent to my friends? I don't think so."
"You didn't need to call him over," Yunho bites out.
"It was either him or an ambulance. Carrying your dead weight on my own was a little--"
"I told you to leave me where I was!" Yunho shouts, opens his eyes and glares at the younger man. His entire stomach churns, and the fact that Changmin doesn't look away is not helping.
"Fine," he says, resigning, straightening his back and walking away. "Let me know when it's okay to care for you again."
Yunho vomits again. Little green stars dance in front of his eyes.
Everything feels surreal for the rest of the day. He doesn't know what the time is and he definitely does not care, and he spends the day cooped up on his bed. Changmin leaves the apartment in the afternoon and doesn't come back until late, and Yunho tells himself he doesn't give a damn where the other man went. It's amazing, he thinks, how such a short period of time can change so much of how he feels about people.
But it still isn't enough. He wishes he could be like Changmin, that he could come right out and say "I don't want you in my life," but no matter how he tries and tells himself that it would hurt less that way, he just can't make it come true.
He needs Changmin. He tries to imagine a life alone, or with someone else, and he has to bite down on his pillow in order to not scream. It can't work. It won't work. Changmin is everything Yunho needs to go on functioning; composure, intelligence, love, and a lot of things Yunho can't and doesn't want to put his finger on. He never thought it would feel like this.
Then again, he never thought Changmin would turn his back on him either.
He can't wake his mind up. He blames the hangover.
When Changmin comes back, he says nothing. Yunho's door is closed, and his room is slowly but steadily becoming darker and darker. Finally. The darker it becomes, the less unnatural it feels for him to close his eyes.
Changmin shuffles around a bit outside his door for a while. Yunho doesn't think they're going to speak to each other for at least a few days, so he's surprised when Changmin knocks on his door. He grunts in reply, and the door opens slowly, allowing new light to seep in. Yunho's head hurts.
Changmin's tall shape covers most of the light, but Yunho doesn't want to look at him. "I know I'm not supposed to care, but aren't you going to eat?" the younger says.
Yunho nuzzles his face into his pillow, trying to get rid of the itchy feeling in his eyes. "What are you talking about?" he asks. "I ate while you were out." He lies effortlessly, because he just wants the other man to go away.
"Right," Changmin says, nodding. "And you swallowed the dishes, too, I assume?"
Yunho glares. Alright, so maybe it wasn't his most thought-through lie ever, but he doesn't have much experience in lying to Changmin. "I just didn't want to throw up all over the place again," he grumbles. "And I don't think you'd want me to either."
"No," Changmin says with a disbelieving laugh. "You're right about that. But I also don't want you to starve to death right there in your bed."
Yunho pulls the covers over his face and grunts.
"You know the stench would be awful."
"I'm too hung-over for this, Changmin," Yunho groans from beneath his covers.
"Right," Changmin says again. "I guess I'll shut up before I go too far and actually seem like I care. That's obviously not allowed these days."
Truth is, Yunho doesn't at all feel that hung-over anymore. The nausea is long gone, but the surreal feeling buzzes in his head, still, and eating probably wouldn't be a problem. But the darkness that covers the room when Changmin closes the door again is too comfortable for him to get up.
When Yunho first opens his eyes, he's standing on a frozen lake in the middle of the night. There's snow beneath his feet, and isn't that strange, he thinks? It's in the middle of July in South Korea, there shouldn't be any snow.
But he's never seen this place before, so maybe he's not in Korea. He looks around, but he doesn't see far through the darkness. Straight ahead, he can barely make out a house, a big, red tree house with frozen birches positioned all around it. It looks homey, he guesses, but he doesn't want to go there. Not now, not ever. Instead he sinks to his knees, expecting the snow to be cold beneath him, but it's not. It's warm and solid and it doesn't melt through his jeans. He drags his hands along the crust, loving the way it scratches as his palms. Every little flake of snow is like a diamond.
He throws himself down on his back, and the snow doesn't give out beneath him. Turning his eyes to the sky, he sees green stars twinkle at him. He smiles at them, because they're somewhat familiar by now, aren't they? They aren't like the regular stars that he's seen on the night skies all throughout his life; no, these are different. They know that he's there, and they all know that they're alone together. He laughs, showing the tiny green lights a tired, toothy smile as he's filled up with warmth.
He wonders for a while where this warmth comes from. It's not long before he realizes it's the feeling of belonging.
He smiles at the stars because the know he's there, and they're happy he is.
Suddenly, he hears someone calling his name in the distance. Softly, as if to stir him from sleep, he realizes. "Yunho," the voice calls, and Yunho realizes with a start that it's Changmin's voice. So he sits up, pushes up off the ground, stumbles, and grabs the handle on the door in front of him in order not to fall.
He blinks. It's Changmin's bedroom door, and he's holding on to the door handle, pushing it down like he's about to enter. Tears fill his eyes in a second, because this isn't right. Where are the stars? Where's the warm snow and the abandoned house? He prays to whatever God is listening that Changmin is asleep and didn't hear him fall straight into his door.
He runs back to his room and closes the door as silently as he can. Staring out the window, he realizes the stars aren't green, they don't know his name, snow won't come for another few months and it definitely won't be warm, and everybody's going to forget him in the end.
Vowing himself not to drink alcohol again for a long time, he pulls the covers over his head again and forces himself to go to sleep.
"Hyung."
Yunho has never wanted to sleep this badly before. So: "No," he says, simply.
"I made breakfast. I think we should talk."
"Changmin, come on," he groans. "Don't you think we've hurt each other enough?"
The younger puts his hand on his arm and shakes him softly. "It's been a lot more than 24 hours since you last had something to eat. It'll all feel better once you do, I promise."
"No," Yunho protests, shaking Changmin's hand off him. "I need to sleep. My head is dying of tiredness."
"Hyung, you've slept for 13 hours, I think you're fine," the younger argues with forced patience. Yunho realizes how hard he must be trying, but he can't get the thought of actually having slept for 13 hours into his head. He only just closed his eyes, so how's the possible?
"What's the time?"
"It's 12:30."
Yunho sits up and throws the sheets off him. "What?"
"Come now," Changmin says, getting up off the side of Yunho's bed. Yunho stares at him, and he looks great, showered, with styled hair, nicely dressed, but so nervous. "Let's eat."
And Yunho can't say no.
Saying "I made breakfast" was something of an exaggeration, Yunho thinks when he sees the sandwiches and toppings laid out on the kitchen table, but for Changmin it's still a lot, so he keeps his mouth shut. He's more worried of what the other man thinks they 'need to talk’ about anyway, so he acts like a good boy and sits down opposite him. It takes him a few minutes to wake up, but then he realizes the surreal feeling is still there. Fear tears at his stomach.
"Like I said, I think we should talk," Changmin says, taking a bite of a sandwich. Yunho feels like his mind can't process what is happening, can't remember how to make a sandwich, can't see Changmin though he's just there at the other side of the table.
"About what?" he asks, mouth dry.
"About us. About what's happening to us." He gives Yunho a careful look. "But I'm not very good with these things, so you're going to have to help me."
Yunho realizes that he's hungry, which is very convenient, because it means he can focus on sandwiches rather than looking the younger man in the eye. "What's there to say?" he asks as he grabs the bread and starts preparing it.
"Hyung..." Changmin tries, staring down at the table, and Yunho wants to tell him to stop. Stop it, he wants to say, don't hurt yourself, don't try so hard, you'll hurt yourself and you'll hurt me and you'll destroy us even further, so don't, please, but he can't get the words out. "You know I still care about you as much as I always did."
Yunho frowns. "Do I?" he says before he can stop himself.
"Alright, so you don't," Changmin says, rolling his eyes. "But I do. And I... just wanted you to know that. I don't want to lose you."
But you said, but you said, but you don't, Yunho's mind says, and he feels so confused suddenly, because he doesn't understand Changmin, not at all. And he doesn't know what to ask to help figure it out. And that's new, it's a first, because he's so used to being the one to speak, the one to get them out of trouble, the one who always has to know what to say, the leader. He puts his sandwich down and pulls his hands through his hair, greasy and dirty, and he hates the feeling lingering in his body.
"Hyung?" Changmin says cautiously. "What's wrong?"
"I... I think I'm coming down with something," he says through his fingers. "I don't feel very well."
Changmin swallows another bite. "You're still hung-over?"
"Maybe."
"But you didn't even drink that much."
Yunho lets his hand drop in surprise. "I didn't?"
"No, there's still a lot left." Changmin almost laughs.
But Yunho's entire stomach churns at the thought, and he glances a little at the fridge. "Please, drink it before I do."
Changmin snorts, and Yunho wants to smile along, wants to forget anything ever went wrong between them, but then Changmin's face is serious again and he's clearing his throat and Yunho just wants to scream out a 'NO'. "So..." Changmin says. Yunho knows this is his cue to give his opinion on the whole thing, but he suddenly feels like he has none. None that wouldn't be completely unnecessary and hurtful.
"I don't know what to say," he says simply. Changmin looks defeated.
"Hyung, there's a possibility we're going to be working together alone," he says. "We have to figure this out."
"But you said you didn't want to," Yunho bites out. He doesn't want to be talking about this. Not until this goddamn dream-like, surreal feeling disappears from his head. He feels like he has no control over what he says or does.
Changmin sighs. "You can't always have what you want."
And that makes Yunho lose his mind further. Why must Changmin keep hurting him by reminding him how much he doesn't want him around? "Right," he says, forcing back the hurt as far as he can. "And I don't see why we need to work things out if you don't give a shit anymore."
Changmin frowns. "That's not--"
"It's fine," Yunho says, shrugging. "I don't either." He sees the flash of hurt in the other's eyes, and he wants to run away. "Look, I'm really not up for this discussion right now."
"I do still care," the younger mumbles, but Yunho doesn't want to hear any more. He doesn't want the hope that Changmin constantly gives him by acting like he cares, only to then take it all back and leave Yunho helpless. "That's not what I mean."
"Let's not talk anymore," Yunho says, standing up from his chair. Changmin eyes him sadly. "This is why I said we just keep hurting each other." He grabs his sandwich and walks towards his room again. "Obviously we don't match well when the others aren't here."
The stupidest, most hurtful thing he could have ever thought to say. And he knows it isn't true, too, because it's not like they've never been alone together before, while the others were in the group, and there was never a problem. No, he just needs something to get Changmin off his case, to make himself stop hoping for something that's never going to happen.
Because it's not. He wishes his feelings for Changmin were completely platonic, just like he always has, but he's long since gone by the point of acceptance - he has feelings for the younger man, and there's nothing he can do about it. It was one of the main reasons why he chose to stay in SM once he heard Changmin didn't want to leave, and now he regrets it bitterly. Once things are good, it's easy to pretend or delude yourself into thinking things are all going to be fine in the end, but that's a modified truth. Because when things get bad, you suffer, and when things turn around and start looking a little brighter again, you will settle for anything that doesn't hurt.
Maybe he thought him and Changmin could be something someday. Maybe they could be together. But somehow he left Changmin out of that equation, because Changmin doesn't have feelings for him, and that's where everything falls apart.
Yunho should have brought his lovesick mind out of the gutter and convinced Changmin to go with the rest of them, and maybe their lives would still have some kind of ounce of happiness in them.
But Yunho was selfish. He chose to keep Changmin for himself, and lost everything he had in the process. And more importantly, he robbed Changmin of everything he had, too.
No wonder the man hates him.
Part B