About Jaejoong and Yunho...

[swshawnee]

Title: About Jaejoong and Yunho...
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: PG-13
Genre: I seriously have no idea
Summary: Yunho and Jaejoong from Changmin's prejudiced perspective.
Wordcount: 5,176

A/N:
Okay, yes, I know what I said: "no more yunjae for a while, need to write other projects, blah blah blah" but honestly guys... Yunjae is... I don't know. This just kept playing in my mind over and over and over and them suddenly, tonight, bam! Yunjae comes spilling out. This was basically just vomited out in a couple of hours (fastest I've ever written anything I think), and so it's really nothing but word vomit. I know it's horrible in places but I hope you like it!



It takes long for Changmin to catch on. A lot longer than it should have. But it's strange, he thinks, the human ability to get used to things, and not find it odd at all if it's all you've ever known.
The only Jaejoong that Changmin has ever known has always hugged Yunho three times as much as the other members. And the only Yunho that Changmin has ever known has always loved it more than he'd willingly admit, and it has always shown through his eyes. He doesn't think much of it, and it seems like neither Yoochun nor Junsu do either. So he doesn't question it, doesn't even bring it up. He laughs along sometimes when the fan service becomes too blatant and embarrassing, but never once does he believe their relationship to be anything other than fictional.

It isn't until one day when Changmin opens a door and finds his two hyungs breaking apart and jumping to opposite ends of the room that he realizes something is up.

"What's up with you two?" he asks at the sight of their flushed faces, and he laughs but he's extremely uncomfortable, because he knows there's a secret in the room that he's not let in on.
Jaejoong and Yunho cough in the least discreet way possible. They open their mouths but Changmin looks away. "Never mind," he says, and changes the subject, because he thinks he knows now, and he doesn't want to.

He thinks about it for weeks. It lies there in the back of his mind and annoys him to no end, and it's not like he can escape it. Not when his fixed position in the group is always, always, and always between the two eldest, and now their looks and touches and hugs all seem inappropriate, and he looks away when they as much as glance at each other.
He wants their positions to change.
Maybe he could be in the middle - but then again, that doesn't really suit him. He's never liked being in the center. So maybe he could just switch places with Yunho, and be right on the very end - but he doesn't like that idea either. He doesn't want to be close to his hyungs anymore. He wants to move over to stand beside Junsu and put Yoochun in the middle, and pretend he knows nothing of the whole thing.
But that isn't really an option.

He shares a hotel with Yoochun in Thailand, and he sits on the floor with his back leant against one of the beds. Yoochun himself is on his stomach on said bed, flipping through a magazine he can't read, foreign letters that looks like nothing but ants dance across the page. But pictures of the five of them cover more than five papers, and he's excited.
Changmin sits beside him and listens to his excited rambles for as long as he can stand it.
"Hyung," he says eventually. "About Jaejoong and Yunho..."
"Yeah?" Yoochun flips another page. Frustration boils in Changmin's chest.
"They're not..." he tries to find the words, misses them, coughs and tries again. "They're not actually together, are they?"
He turns his head and looks up at his hyung, and he's stiff, it hurts, but the look Yoochun gives him is more than distracting. They stare at each other in their uncomfortable position for a while, but then Yoochun seems to come to his senses and goes back to his magazine. "What makes you say that?" he says, unaffected, just like the best actor of the lot of them that he's always been.
Changmin isn't an idiot. He's the baby, but definitely not the idiot. He's given up that role and passed it onto Junsu together with his 'cute' concept (which he was extremely happy to get rid of, by the way). "So they are?" he says, feeling almost like the breath is knocked out of him.
Yoochun sucks in his lower lip between his teeth and says nothing. Changmin gets up on his knees, staring up at the older man the way a child would stare at his father when an explanation is desperately needed. "But..." he mumbles, "how can they do that?" Yoochun frowns and glances at him. "How can they do that to the group? Don't they realize how dangerous it is to our group? What if people would find out about..?"
Yoochun snorts and gives a low grunt. Changmin looks at him in surprise. "I'm sorry, Changmin, but I think you've got this the wrong way around."
Changmin looks back, tries to spot his mistake, but comes up with a blank. "What do you mean?"
"Yunho and Jaejoong aren't just together," Yoochun says, "They love each other."
Changmin frowns. Okay, so he's all on board with the whole homosexuality thing, in the sense that he knows it exists, but he doesn't understand it in the slightest. Why would men go for other men, hairy and sweaty and bear-like when they can have graceful, beautiful women? Why would someone even put themselves through that?
"I think the real question is," Yoochun says, throwing his magazine aside, "how can we deny them that in the name of the group?"
"But," Changmin says, mostly just wanting to argue, without any real way to voice his thoughts. "Why..." He tries, but he trails off, and it's frustrating, because Yoochun doesn't seem to see the problem.
The older laughs, sitting up on his bed and curling his legs underneath him. "There's no 'why', Changmin-ah. It's not something that can be explained."
Changmin swallows. "Homosexuality?"
"Love."
Changmin grunts, because love between men doesn't seem like the heart-fluttering love between a teenage boy and a teenage girl that meet for the first time and understand little to nothing about each other - except for that want that sometimes stir from the very first glance. "But they could both have virtually any woman they wanted," he says, a bit narcissistically, perhaps, but there's no point in denying the truth. "Why would they do that?"
Yoochun sighs. But then he shrugs, and Changmin hopes that means Yoochun understands where he's coming from at least a little bit. "They're just not wired that way. They don't want women."
Changmin scratches the back of his head, because it still doesn't make sense. He looks up at Yoochun and tries to feel something, tries to imagine what it would be like to want another man, and he shudders, because the thought it just so wrong to him. He thinks the same about Junsu, and he immediately stops.
Homosexuality aside, why would they ever go for each other? Sure, they all possess an individual kind of beauty, but so much that the public sees is fake, produced only for their benefit, and it's tainted all of them in various ways. Changmin can't imagine being with somebody and having to push through fifty layers of hairspray whenever you want to fix a strand of their hair, or having to worry about thick layers of makeup when you want to wipe their tears. "But I don't understand why-"
"It's not for you to understand," Yoochun interrupts, shrugging again. "You're not the gay one." Changmin stares at him. "...Right?"
"No," he hurries, because there's no way in hell, and thank god for that. "But hyung..."
Yoochun is getting very tired of where this conversation is going, and Changmin can tell by the way he slumps and interrupts before Changmin can start complaining again. "Look, I don't really get it either, but that's because I'm not gay either. You're making this more difficult than it needs to be. They feel about each other the way you feel when you like any girl."
Changmin looks away, because in his mind that just doesn't seem possible. Yunho... and Jaejoong. Butterflies and lovesickness and cheesy whispers, hidden kisses behind closed doors and the usual heartache that comes naturally included.
No.
"I don't like it," he says truthfully, because he's always been able to honest with Yoochun, even about things he's not proud of.
But the other man looks down at him with a disappointed glint in his eyes, and he realizes that maybe he shouldn't have said that. "They make each other happy," Yoochun mumbles. "Maybe if you paid attention, and thought of their feelings rather than their orientation, you'd see that, too."
Changmin listens, but he doesn't dare to say anything else now. He feels like he's right - it's not really natural - but maybe, maybe just this once, he'll need to try to see it from another perspective. Because he honestly can't go on the way he is right now, so pressed between his hyungs in every single public appearance, feeling like he can't breathe from pure prejudice.
He doesn't want to see it. And he needs to get around that somehow.

Everything starts making sense quickly after he realizes it.
Jaejoong's moodiness. On some days, Yunho's sad eyes and forced enthusiasm. On other days, the loud laughter, the reddened cheeks and handholding, and every single one of their movements that may seem discreet to the two of them, but really isn't.
Changmin can't believe he hasn't seen it earlier. It's like a romantic play being set up right in front of his eyes every minute of every single day, but that's just why he hasn't seen it, he supposes. He's so used to it. But now he sees that it's blatantly obvious, and with that knowledge comes the worry that other people will start to find out.
He thinks of the fans' unhealthy obsession with the term 'Yunjae', and he freaks out for a few days, close to thinking about ways to break the couple up, but then he speaks to Junsu.

He's feeling oddly destructive. He sits down next to Junsu, who is staring out in space, dazed and probably going over script lines in his head. "You know that Yunho hyung and Jaejoong hyung are together, right?" he blurts out, right then not caring who he might harm with his words.
Junsu snaps out of his haze and stares at Changmin with an eyebrow raised. For a moment Changmin thinks he's going to say no, and he feels a growing sense of victory and superiority, but then Junsu snorts and says: "Please, Changmin, what do you think I am? An idiot?"
Changmin grits his teeth. "More or less," he says.
Junsu kicks at his shin. "I'd have to be one not to see it," he says, leaning back and massaging his aching thighs. Too much dance and too much dance practice.
"Isn't it kind of fucked up?" Changmin says, straight-forward as he's made himself known for being.
The older seems a little shocked as his words for a second, but then he chuckles. "Nice choice of words there," he says, and Changmin's face contorts in a grimace.
"Hey!"
"Just saying."
"Doesn't it worry you that the fans know?" he says, mind spinning and reeling with fear of that one little risk. He can't imagine what would happen if management found out. And worse, if the public found out, too.
Junsu shrugs. "The fans don't know."
Changmin really wants to punch him, but he holds it in. "Are you crazy? When was the last time we held a concert and there wasn't a Yunjae banner in the audience?"
"The fans don't know," Junsu repeats. "They just wish they did. Only the really crazy ones truly believe that something is going on, the rest of them just wish they believed it."
Changmin is almost speechless. "That makes no sense," he splutters. "They are together, so the ones you say are crazy are the ones who are right."
Junsu shrugs. "That's the way it is."
He decides that Junsu is useless and drops the conversation. He never brings it up again.

"I'm just so worried, hyung," Changmin says, desperately trying Yoochun instead.
"Don't you think they are, too?" he replies, like a true diplomat.
Yes, Changmin wants to say, but at least they have each other. But it sounds strange, and like he would be jealous of them, and dear god, he just can't have that.
That night, he goes to bed and decides that if the fans have been so obsessed for such a long time and still hasn't managed to figure it out, then they're probably safe. He goes to bed, deciding to let go of the fear, and he's 100% jealous of Yunho and Jaejoong, for having someone, for having each other.

Changmin sleeps a lot in the waiting rooms. It seems to him like it's the only sensible thing to do, but his hyungs are always running around, doing this and that, giving interviews and looking for new people, playing with or humiliating each other, and Changmin just doesn't have time for that. He needs his beauty sleep.
He lies down to sleep in an empty waiting room, on a sofa draped with stiff leather, the kind that makes loud, unpleasant noises whenever you move. And he can't sleep.
It doesn't get better when Yunho and Jaejoong come sneaking into the room, sitting down on another sofa just a few meters away. Changmin doesn't look up, because he doesn't want to talk, especially not to them, and he doesn't want to encourage his mind to stay awake. So he lies with his back towards them, pretending to be fast asleep.
He's almost drifted away when shuffling noises from the other sofa interrupts him, and hurried whispers reach his ears.
"Are you crazy?" Jaejoong's voice. "Changmin is right there."
"But he's sleeping," Yunho's voice whispers back. "He won't notice anything."
"But what if he would?"
"He won't. Now let me kiss you."
Changmin blushes. It's idiotic and childish, but he blushes. The real-life sound effects does nothing to help, and though he's thankful that his back is turned, he can't help but imagine the sight of his two bandmates as their lips meet. He shudders.
"Control yourself, Jung," Jaejoong whispers, affectionate and mischievous.
"Hmm. It would be a lot easier if you weren't so kissable."
Jaejoong snickers. "Yeah, I know. I'm flawless. I wouldn't be able to stay away either."
A fit of giggles tells Changmin that Jaejoong is just being tickle-attacked.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he gasps, repressed laughter coming up in choked outbursts of gurgling. "You're the kissable one."
Silence, but more shuffling on the couch, and Changmin imagines them in each other's arms, and he wishes they would stop it. Be a bit more professional and discreet. He's sure his blush is gone, but he feels warm, and he's not sure why.
"Maybe we should get a dog," Yunho says after a while.
"A dog?"
"You know, when we were talking about the future earlier. You said you wanted cats, but I think I'd like a dog."
"Over my dead body," Jaejoong says. "Dogs hate me."
"But I love you, and dogs love me. Therefore they will do what I tell them."
"And they bark at me no matter what I tell them."
Yunho laughs. "If you didn't want a dog when we live together, why did you get me Taepoong?"
A pause. "I did not think of that," Jaejoong laughs, and Changmin is somewhat in awe of how skillfully they avoid the subject of how the hell they're ever going to live together in peace at all. Where, how and when will that ever be possible?
"But if you want cats, we could get both, I guess."
"Mm," Jaejoong hums, "sounds good."
Their conversation dies after some more shuffling, and Changmin slowly falls asleep to the sound of whispered 'I love yous', silent kisses and sighs of contentment.

He wakes up and ignores the voice in the back of his mind (that sounds a suspicious lot like Yoochun) telling him that maybe he's wrong.

"You shouldn't have done it."
"I know."
"Why did you do it?"
"I... Don't ask. Please."
"All five of us will smell like crap the entire day."
Yunho huffs. "It's only smoke. You smell like smoke all the time anyway."
Jaejoong smacks him on the shoulder. "Problem?"
"None at all," Yunho assures.
Changmin was amused until their bickering started. See, this morning Yunho tried to make breakfast for himself and Jaejoong (and the rest of the group if anyone on the outside would ever ask), but the kitchen ended up a little less like a kitchen and more like the fiery pits of hell.
"I just can't believe a single person can be so horribly untalented at cooking," Yoochun says, laughing. Yunho shoots him a glare, but Yoochun laughs through it. "The smell was just..." Jaejoong shoots him a glare, and he falls silent immediately.
"Thank God we have Jaejoong to balance the scales," Changmin interjects, because even in the uncomfortable moments, Changmin can always find time to be thankful for Jaejoong's cooking.
"Yeah," says Junsu, "now we know who's going to be doing the cooking in that future family."
Funny, Changmin thinks, how it only takes a few seconds for the words to slip out, and then everything changes. Or seems like it will change. The words feel dramatic, at least. There's a powerful surge in Changmin's stomach when he realizes what Junsu just said - basically the Idiocy-of-Junsu translation of 'we know you guys are fucking, and we approve', which is really not good for anything, because Changmin still isn't sure whether he approves or not.
Yunho, Jaejoong and Yoochun all stumble over their own tongues in their hurry to get their awkward laughs out. Changmin closes his eyes and sees for his inner eye how he reaches out and strangles Junsu until he's sure he's never going to open his mouth again.
"Yeah," Yunho says, unexpectedly calm for someone who confirms their forbidden affair with a bandmate. The look he gives Jaejoong just a second later is so sickly sweet that Changmin wants to look away, but he can't. Not this time.
"I'm... I'm not letting you near the stove anytime soon," Jaejoong says. He's searching, trying his ground, investigating whether or not it's okay to joke or say anything of the sort out loud, and for a second Changmin is overwhelmed with a sense of beauty that he readily dismisses as nothing but contagious lovesickness.
Yoochun, Junsu and Yunho laugh, a kind of responsible, polite laugh that's completely new for the tight bond between the five of them, but Jaejoong looks contented. Even Changmin manages to get his mouth open and force out a 'ha'.

Jaejoong and Yunho link their hands together and smile at each other in relief and happiness. Changmin stares at their shamelessness, and suddenly it doesn't seem so bad anymore.

Concepts and songs come and go in a blur, trips and travels fly by and most of the time Changmin can barely remember where they are. Their lives are far from glamorous, with hard work mixed with short-lived but intense intervals of pride and adrenaline, and Changmin doesn't mind that much. He fights with Yoochun, fights with Jaejoong, fights with Yunho, and they all bully Junsu, because that's what they do. They know that Junsu is concerned enough for everyone's well-being that he will always take it, but never take it to heart, and it's part of the TVXQ routine.
Changmin takes his fights and listens to the others fight because he knows that it is necessary for their survival, both individually and as a group, because to become strong you need something to bounce back from. You need something to compare to. You need to know what it's like to be apart to be able to fully appreciate being together.

Years pass and things change, but the butterflies that can practically be seen on Yunho's and Jaejoong's faces never change. Changmin notices this, and slowly, little by little, almost without his knowledge, he starts to accept it. And as soon as it gets to that stage, it escalates.

He treasures the way they treasure each other, because it's safer that way.

Yunho and Jaejoong need each other to function, and Changmin needs them both. He needs TVXQ in order to be a real person. He needs the support of all four of them, not necessarily in a verbal sense or like he needs them to act a certain way; he just needs them to be around, to be close, to love each other, even if they would ever stop loving him.

He doesn't mind being on the outside as long as it means he's there at all. Perhaps he doesn't need to worry, because his bandmates (especially Jaejoong) are all loving enough to never let him forget how needed he is. Even if the evidence sometimes is somewhat awkward.

But when the craziest of their crazy fans yell out Yunjae related things, he puts on his best disapproving face, because he's still terrified and sometimes a coward to his very core, and that's perfectly okay.

Changmin stirs from his sleep to the sound of somebody crying. It takes him a while to understand where he is, but in the end he realizes he's at a hotel (and all these goddamn hotels are about to drive him crazy, because it seems like whenever he wakes up he's in a different place, and sometimes he thinks he doesn't know where home is, who he is and what his name is, but that's probably more of his own personal insanity than it is anything else). The sound of crying is loud and obvious and coming from the corridor, and he doesn't need to listen for more than three sleepy seconds to know that the source is Jaejoong.
He drags himself out of bed filled with dread, because he doesn't know and has never known how to deal with crying people, and feelings in general. Feelings are so complicated, and it's never just as easy as wiping somebody's tears with a stable finger and think that you are wiping those feelings away at the same time, and why can't it just be as easy as that?
He goes out into the corridor and finds Jaejoong outside of Yunho's room. His heart breaks, and he ignores it. "Hyung, you can't sit here," he says, and Jaejoong looks up at him in surprise, apparently so immersed in his drama that he didn't notice Changmin approach him.
"I can," he bites out.
"What's wrong?" Changmin asks, feeling horribly stiff and awkward as he does so.
Jaejoong looks up at him, and Changmin can see the words "should I or should I not pour all my troubles on the youngest" swim behind his eyes, and he sighs. "Tell me."
"I..." Jaejoong tries, sniffles, wipes his tears and tries to stop crying. "Yunho thinks that people are starting to find out about us, and he won't let me stay in his room tonight."
Changmin stares from Jaejoong to the door, somehow finding it very hard to believe that Yunho would just let Jaejoong sit out in the corridor and cry for the entire hotel to hear. It's unlike him. Not very leader-like. "Sitting out here isn't going to help anything," he says reluctantly, because wow, he honestly has no advice what so ever to offer their oldest member at that moment. He isn't an idiot a lot of the time, but he's definitely dense about love; a lesson he learned from Yoochun and the now imploding Yunjae couple.
He reaches out a hand and Jaejoong takes it after a few moments of hesitation. Changmin takes the other man into his room and gives him the spare bed, and he thinks they're just going to forget the whole thing until the morning and go to sleep until Jaejoong opens his mouth, buried beneath a thick, warm duvet and sinking down in his pillow. "He says the fans all know by now."
Changmin lies down on his back and stares up at the ceiling. His mouth feels dry for reasons he can't put a finger on. "The fans... don't know," he says, repeating back words he heard a long time ago, though not quite sure where. "They just want to believe... but they don't, really." It hits him like a whirlwind; the words are Junsu's useless words from so long ago, words he didn't agree with, but now realize the truth in. So, apparently he's dense in more areas than just love.
"Could you tell him that?" Jaejoong begs, voice so hoarse and tired. Changmin gives one short look at his red eyes before he mumbles out a 'yes'. Jaejoong is a tower of strength; an instable and moody tower of strength, but a tower nonetheless, but somehow Yunho needs to fit into that equation to make it work. Changmin accepts and admits that, and then he turns over on his side and closes his eyes, and his heart burns and aches more than ever with a longing to feel what Jaejoong feels.
Even though the tears probably sting his eyes, at least he feels things.

He surprises himself when he pulls Yunho aside the next day. He looks the leader in the eyes and he feels so far out of line as he says: "I had to take care of your... ... ...whatever he is, last night."
Yunho gives him that inexhaustible, supportive smile that so seldom reaches his eyes. "I'm sorry about that. I just realized I need to be putting up some boundaries."
"Hyung," Changmin says, even though he wants to reach out and give him a slap across the forehead (he has many violent tendencies, he realizes; maybe he should seek some help for that - or maybe not). He respects Yunho more than he probably respects anyone else in the world, and for so many reasons. One of them is because of his ability to put his own desires aside for what he thinks is best for others.
But in this case, he's just being really stupid, Changmin thinks. "Why boundaries?"
Yunho looks at him suspiciously, like he always does when he's going to discuss his relationship with Jaejoong with any of the members, like he's trying to make sure that they're prepared for what they're about to hear. "I think... people are starting to find out. And that can't happen."
"Who are starting to find out?"
"The fans, for one. And they're being very vocal about it."
Changmin huffs and braces himself before he once again has to admit the truth in Xiah Junsu's words. "Hyung, the fans don't know. They don't even believe that you two are... what you are. They just wish they believed it."
Yunho smiles at him again. "Jaejoong asked you to tell me that, didn't he?"
Changmin clicks his tongue. He did not count on this, this strange ability that Jaejoong and Yunho have to read each other so easily, though of course he should have taken it into account as well. Stupid of him. "No," he says, even though Yunho sees right through him because this is Jaejoong they're talking about. "It's just what I think. And I know you're doing this because you think it's what's best for the group, but I'm begging you, think again."
Begging? Changmin repeats to himself in his mind, why would he be begging? But it's true, and he realizes with a start that he's terrified of what might happen if Jaejoong and Yunho would... stop with what they're doing. Break up, he forces himself to think, because it's about damn time he acknowledged that they are in relationship. An actual, real, with-honest-feelings relationship, one that Changmin has absolutely nothing to do with but that he now wants to fight for as if it would have been his own.
"What do you mean?" Yunho asks, and Changmin can't blame him, because he's pretty goddamn confused himself right now.
"I just think... The group needs you two together so much more than we need your discretion."
Changmin wills himself not to blush because saying things like this after having pretended their relationship was an illusion for such a long time feels nothing but strange, and the way Yunho stares at him in mixed confusion, gratefulness and admiration isn't doing anything for the feeling.
"Do you mean that?" the leader asks, and Changmin nods, just wanting the whole insanity to be over with already.
"And Jaejoong needs you. And you need Jaejoong."
Yunho hugs him then, for a long time, and Changmin wants to run somewhere where no one will ever find him, and he doesn't even know why. "Thank you," Yunho mumbles, and Changmin nods, because he kind of agrees; he's thankful towards himself for bringing his head out of his own ass and realizing what's actually important in life.
He's clumsy with words, and he knows it, so he says nothing, and watches Yunho go off to correct his mistake. Changmin himself finds Yoochun, and the two take turns to bully Junsu, who laughs at their mean jokes and kicks them beneath the table until he's too tired to care about their words anymore.

And sometime later, Jaejoong and Yunho join them again, and things go back to normal when Yunho interrupts their bullying session by informing them that Junsu has had all he can take for one night. Jaejoong hangs off his shoulder and complains about how much of a buzz kill he's being, and Changmin agrees while Junsu gives Yunho a friendly kiss on the cheek in gratitude.
Jaejoong smacks him, nails out like claws that leave marks on his cheek.

Yunho kisses Jaejoong in front of them all for the first time, and Changmin withstands the temptation to give them some applause. It took them some damn time, he thinks, but he knows it's his own fault, with thoughts and feelings and prejudice that were completely uncalled for.
He looks to Junsu, who looks slightly bewildered at the sudden public display of affection, and Changmin is thankful because his bewilderment is because it's too private for his eyes, not because Yunho and Jaejoong are both men.
He looks to Yoochun, who has a dreamy look in his eyes, ever the romantic, and Changmin is thankful because if Yoochun hadn't been around, Changmin would probably have spiraled deeper into an ocean of stupidity and missed out on so many feelings.
Then he looks to the happy couple, and he knows that they enrich his life, even if he'd never admit it out loud. He's thankful, because they stuck with who they were, didn't back down even when things got rough, and he knows that they taught him everything he knows about love.

And at this point, Changmin mentally slaps himself and forces himself to stop being so goddamn mushy. They have Yunho and Jaejoong for that. Not to mention Yoochun.
So he decides to stop caring so much about what other people do, and hopes that maybe, someday, he can teach someone else what his bandmates had just taught him.