All Alone (Part A)

[swshawnee]

Title: All Alone
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: PG-15
Genre: Angst, romance
Summary: Jaejoong tries to get over Yunho by remembering the times he's been left alone.
Wordcount: 7,796

A/N: So, I got a request on asianfanfics to write a songfic of Jaejoong's "All Alone", and so this is what I came up with. It's very jumpy in time, so I'm sorry if there's any confusion, but I think it should be okay. ^-^ Anyways, let me know what you think!



The sky outside Jaejoong's kitchen window is pitch black, though with the city lights it doesn't feel so dark. It will be hours still until the sun will rise, and the thought it heavy in his mind - something he definitely doesn't need. The wine he has been drinking for hours already has done nothing to ease the pain that's tearing his heart apart again.

He stops his thoughts and leans back in his chair, because what does that 'again' really mean? It's a poor choice of words, he realizes, because he pain has never really stopped. Even if he thinks of other things some of the time, hell, most of the time, the pain has and, he suspects, will always be there in the back of his mind, disrupting his thoughts and everyday life like a rock inside his shoe. He doesn't know how many glasses he's emptied by now, and perhaps this is a good time to call Yoochun or Junsu, but what would be the point, really? The two of them probably know the reason for his pain, even though the words have never been spoken between them. And it's better that way. Of this, Jaejoong is sure.

It's so easy, he thinks, once a relationship has ended or a friendship has come to pass, to idealize it and rewrite the entire history of your life with the other person. The good times will be made to seem better than they ever were, and any mention of pain or complications will be censored in your mind. Which, perhaps, is good at times - wanting to remember someone you lost in a good light, and not the tainted one that will always shine on them once you acknowledge the truth.

But to tell the truth, if Jaejoong can't numb his aching heart soon, he doesn't think he's going to survive.

There are many good things to remember about his time with Yunho, of course. He only needs to think of the name for his mind to be flooded with words like perfect, amazing, beautiful, protective, responsible, kind and above all lost. Jaejoong's mind tells him willingly that in the years (upon years upon years) they spent together, there was never a moment that Yunho let him be alone, to suffer in silence. Never was there a moment that the younger man spoke thoughtlessly and hurt him, and not once did he let Jaejoong doubt how loved he was.

But of course, that's a lie.

Maybe, Jaejoong thinks, the key to moving on is trying to forget about all the good things, and instead remember the times when nothing felt right. When anxiety and doubts would render him unable to breathe and he wanted to disappear off the face of the earth just to be rid of the feelings that came with loving another man. Yes, maybe that's the way.

And to be honest, there were many times when Jaejoong felt totally and completely alone during their relationship. The amount is not even close to the times he felt alright (amazing, so loved, untouchable), but there's undeniably quite a number of them. Despite Yunho's constant struggles not to let that happen. It's life, Jaejoong assumes, but in the moment it hurt nonetheless.

The cellphone beside his wine glass rings for the first time tonight. He doesn't pick it up, doesn't even look at it, but instead raises the glass to his lips once more and takes a sour, bitter sip. "So let's move on," he mumbles to himself, not without a sting of irony in it, because how is that ever going to be possible? And so he leans back in his chair and prepares to take a walk through his memories once again, like so many times before.

Jaejoong was head over heels in love with Yunho almost from the word 'go'. It wasn't something he reflected over much; not a thing that made him think "what the hell am I doing? Another boy? My own bandmate?", nor did it ever feel particularly wrong to him. The feelings overpowered him quickly after he got to know the other man, and as he let them in, they filled him up. He didn't try to think outside those feelings, didn't try to see the bigger picture and the complications it could lead to, because he didn't feel the need to do so. He was in love with Yunho, and though the younger man probably had no idea what was really going on inside Jaejoong's mind whenever they held hands or hugged, Jaejoong was more or less content. He spent more time around Yunho than he did his own family, and what more could he possibly ask for? He got to follow Yunho's every moment through every day, and even though it was overwhelming at times, to have someone so close, Jaejoong's love for him was never diminished. It was the first time in his life that he got to know someone completely, inside out, and he wasn't frightened by it.

Their record label took them to Japan not that long after their Korean debut, and at first, all five of them were excited and frankly a little in disbelief that it would actually happen. The response in their home country had been amazing, for sure, but Japan? At least to Jaejoong, the thought of breaking into the Japanese music industry seemed farfetched, like an impossible dream, but he went along with the plans without complaints. Of course, nothing would change even if he voiced his opinion, but at the time, he didn't mind so much.

The first time Jaejoong can remember being left alone by Yunho happened in Japan. They had finally managed to learn enough Japanese to come out on shows and actually say more than their names and promote their songs, much to the relief both of the members and the management. It was one of the first shows they went on together, and though Jaejoong tries his hardest, he can't remember the name of it anymore. The past few times they had dared to come out on variety shows, it had been successful, but on that particular show there seemed to be a chemistry problem between the members and the hosts, a man in his fifties and a woman around her thirties. Though they had all tried their hardest to put on their kindest smiles despite their inevitable exhaustion, it seemed the hosts just could not bring themselves to warm up to them. They were all nervous about what the hosts, who were quite famous in Japan at the time, would say about them once they had left and how that might damage their reputation. So they decided to stay behind a while after the shooting had ended, the five of them and one of their managers in a type of waiting room directly connected to the hosts' dressing room.

They sunk down on the beige leather sofas, too tired to hold any real conversations, and just waited for the hosts to come out after changing. Jaejoong was beside Yunho, as usual, with his head on the younger man's shoulder, both with their eyes closed and their hands clasped together. Jaejoong was a mere second from dozing off when a sudden clanking from inside the dressing room told them that the hosts had finished changing and would probably make their way out of the rooms soon, so he opened his eyes, but couldn't bear to lift his head from Yunho's shoulder.

"Thank God it's over," the female host said. Jaejoong caught Junsu's eye from the opposite end of the room.

"Tell me about it," the man replied. They all held their breaths. Jaejoong's instinct told him to run before he heard any more, but he couldn't do that, could he?

The woman sighed heavily. "I don't think I've ever met five people in the same group who all seemed so... Uhm... What's the word I'm looking for?"

The man laughed. "I don't know. Gay?"

"Ah, you felt it too!" The woman said. Jaejoong looked down to his and Yunho's intertwined fingers, not sure if he had heard right. Words he couldn't understand mixed in with the rest, but he was pretty sure he understood what they meant. And by the looks of the other members' faces, they did too.

"Of course," the man continued. "It was a bit uncomfortable, wasn't it?"

"Yes! Especially with the really long haired one, I mean, come on, he could just as easily have passed for a woman." There was a surge in Jaejoong's stomach; there was no way they weren't talking about him. Yunho's hand squeezed his, but Jaejoong could barely feel it.

"Exactly," the man agreed. "Thankfully, I don't think we'll have to see them again."

"Such a flop, right?"

"Indeed."

Jaejoong and Yunho's eyes simultaneously found their manager's disbelieving face, and after a few more seconds in silence, the manger nodded towards the exit, and they all jumped up from their seats, hurrying as silently as possible out the door.

Being called girly wasn't exactly a new experience for Jaejoong; as a celebrity, however inexperienced they were, they all had to hear the public’s complaints more than they liked. Jaejoong didn't mind so much, though, because he was aware of his feminine appearance, and frankly he was confident about it. No, that wasn't the problem with the scenario, but the fact that he was the main reason why the hosts didn't like TVXQ. He tried his best to give their group a positive image in Japan as well as in Korea, but now it seemed like he was only dragging the other members down. The car ride back to their hotel was spent in silence, a silence in which Jaejoong couldn't even look at his bandmates.

Yunho kept his polite smile and unaffected attitude up for the hours that passed after their failed TV-appearance, an act he kept up so naturally that it looked real even to Jaejoong's eyes. He smiled brightly through the car ride, into the hotel lobby, up the stairs and into the room he shared with Jaejoong, but that's where he ran out of patience, and finally exploded.

Jaejoong threw himself down on his bed the second they entered the room. Frankly, he wanted nothing but to disappear off the face of the earth in that moment. Maybe it was a childish thing to think, and he knew he shouldn't become like that just because of a small setback, but he couldn't help it. Above all, he was ashamed.

Yunho stood by the door, next to a white, simple cupboard. He didn't look at Jaejoong, and the older of the two could only bring himself to observe him out of the corner of his eye. But that was enough to notice that Yunho was practically shaking with anger. It wasn't long before a loud bang filled the room and Jaejoong jumped in surprise; Yunho, who was always the calm, responsible adult had just punched a piece of furniture.

"What are you doing?" Jaejoong said, taken aback by the sight. Yunho said nothing, but after a few seconds he threw another punch, this time at the wall. The sound it produced was hollow and dark, and his face contorted in pain. "Stop it before you break something!" Jaejoong ordered. "Like, say, your hand."

"I just..." Yunho tried, his breathing ragged. "I just can't believe it."

Jaejoong sighed, rolling over on his side. Of course Yunho was offended. Of course he was. What normal man would want anyone to think he was gay in this oh so homophobic world? The pain in Jaejoong's chest shifted in shape and grew bigger. "What does it matter what those two assholes think?" he mumbled tiredly, closing his eyes again. If only sleep could come to him, he could at least forget for a little while.

"I just can't believe people would say things like that," Yunho repeated. Jaejoong grinded his teeth. The world seemed to be spinning outside his closed eyelids, he was so tired, and then Yunho punched the wall again with both of his fists. Jaejoong rolled over to face him again. The rage was so clear on his face that if it hadn't been Yunho, Jaejoong would have feared for his own safety. But no, this was Yunho after all, someone who wouldn't intentionally hurt him as long as he knew what he was doing.

Only the thing was, Yunho didn't know.

Jaejoong watched as he hammered his fists against the wall as though he had gone insane. Jaejoong wasn't kidding himself; he knew that Yunho would never take an interest in him. It didn't matter how much Yunho loved him as a friend, how much he respected him as a person, because the bottom line was that Jaejoong was male, and that was something Yunho would never be able to look past. Nothing would ever happen between them, and Jaejoong had known that for years already. But watching Yunho become so overcome with rage at someone calling him gay still made every inch of his body ache, because this was evidence, this was how put off Yunho was of the thought of being with another man.

Jaejoong sat up. "What is wrong with you?" he bit out, unable to stand the feeling anymore. Yunho spun around, his eyes still shooting daggers as they met Jaejoong's. "Look, if you're going to be like that, can you please go somewhere else?" Jaejoong asked, not wishing to inflict hurt, but he wanted for the other man to somehow see how he was hurting him. Which of course was impossible.

They stared at each other in silence for a few seconds. Jaejoong wanted to look away as he felt the tears dangerously close, clogging up his throat, but before they had a chance to rise in his eyes, Yunho finally stormed out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

Jaejoong lay back down, ignored the tears that escaped the corner of his eyes, and waited for sleep to come and have mercy on his guilty heart.

He didn't know how much later it was that he woke up again, but when he did, Junsu was standing beside his bed, shaking him lightly. "Hyung," he said, "are you awake?"

Jaejoong rolled over to his other side. "No," he said groggily, "do I have to be?"

"It'd be nice," Junsu replied, sinking down on the edge of the bed. "I think you should know that our leader is going insane."

Jaejoong resigned, not wanting to be awake but understanding something bad must have happened, and sat up, pulling his hands through his messy hair. "What did he do now?"

"He's in mine and Yoochun's room, and he's so angry... I don't know what to do with him," the younger of the two said, real insecurity evident in his voice. "I think you're the only one he'll listen to right now."

Shaking his head, Jaejoong sighed. He didn't know why Junsu would think so, but Jaejoong definitely had no words of comfort for the other man right then. "I don't know..."

"Please, hyung," Junsu begged before he had a chance to voice his thoughts. "Are you upset over what that girl said earlier?" His hand found Jaejoong's knee, squeezing carefully. "Cause you know, she was just being an idiot."

"No, I'm not upset," Jaejoong said dismissively, though he knew how unconvincing it must seem together with his hoarse voice and red eyes.

"So can you please tell him that?" Junsu asked. Jaejoong frowned.

"How would that help?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "He just has to learn to take some criticism." Junsu looked at him with his brow furred. "Besides, I don't see why he's so upset about this; he's taken a lot worse back home, right?"

Junsu crossed his legs underneath him, removing his hand from Jaejoong. "Hyung..." he said slowly, "I think you've misunderstood."

"What, misunderstood? He's upset that those people called him gay."

Junsu shook his head. "No. He's angry because of the things they said about you."

Jaejoong's heart appeared to stop beating. "What?" he said quietly. "Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. He's been in our room now for like half an hour rambling on and on about how if they got to know you first, they wouldn't think any of those things..." Jaejoong stared back at the younger with wide eyes. He didn't know what was going on inside him, but everything he felt seemed to shift and fade into something else. The sensation left him unable to breathe right. "But you're not upset?" the younger continued. Jaejoong shook his head. "Then can you please, please tell him that so that maybe his head won't explode and he won’t break anything valuable?"

"Hey, now," Jaejoong said slowly. "You don't think his head is 'something valuable'?"

Junsu gave him a light slap on his arm. "You know what I mean. Don't tell him I said that, though, I don't want him to break me."

"Don't worry," Jaejoong said with a smile, "I'll protect you."

With combined powers, they dragged Jaejoong out of bed and into Junsu's and Yoochun's room, where they found Yunho had finally managed to at least sit down, which was promising, even if his legs were both hopping up and down against the floor and his fingers were drumming tirelessly against the armrest. And just like Junsu had said, once Jaejoong told him he didn't take the insults to heart, the younger man's anger dissipated quickly, even though it didn't fully disappear.

Jaejoong thinks back of it with a smile. The effect is not at all what he desires; he wants to be mad at Yunho, because even though the time he was left alone back then was short, it was still torturous. He wishes Yunho would have stayed with him and explained the reason for his anger, not left Jaejoong to jump to hurtful conclusions. And, of course, he remembers the words of the two hosts clear as day, and above all, he's thankful. In a twisted way, those words were what sparked something in both Jaejoong and Yunho, and Jaejoong knows this after the countless conversations he's had with the other man over the years, the hundreds of times he's asked him where the feelings came from, when it started, what he was thinking, why he loved Jaejoong at all.

Jaejoong opens the next bottle of wine without a second thought, because this whole remembering thing is not having the desired effect. He pours himself another glass while his cellphone rings a second time, and he ignores it again. If this night follows every other Saturday nights' patterns, the phone will continue to ring a few times an hour until at least five am. He pushes the phone further away from him across the table, hating the sound of the vibration against the wood. Maybe if he brings back thoughts of a more painful memory, this whole plan will work out better. So when was the next time Yunho left him alone? He asks himself the question and the answer falls into his mind instantly. He leans back again, closes his eyes and travels back years upon years in time.

He stood in their dorm bedroom, arms full of pictures of his family. Exhaustion filled every nerve of his body. Activities and promotions were starting to truly get to him for the first time - honestly, he couldn't remember the last time he got to rest properly. The constant activeness, the continuous mindset of "endure it, endure it, just a little more" left no space for much else in his mind. Never in his life had he ever missed his family so much, never had he wished so badly he could just go home to his sisters and be a normal, unknown person.

To comfort himself, he had printed pictures of all of his family members (and damn, why did they have to be so many?) to nail to the wall next to his bed. How it was going to help him, he wasn't sure, but he was desperate for any kind of strength he could get.

He dumped the pictures on his bed and as he grabbed a jar of thumbtacks from his nightstand the door swung open, and Yunho walked in. "Hi," Jaejoong said, relieved at his presence. Being around Yunho always managed to calm him down. Even the pain of unrequited love seemed somewhat lessened as long as he could be close to him.

"Hi," Yunho replied. "What are you up to?"

Jaejoong gestured towards the pile of pictures next to him on the bed. "I thought I'd put these up." Yunho closed the door behind him and walked over to Jaejoong's bed, trying to get a better look at the pictures. The jar of thumbtacks decided that it didn't want to let Jaejoong in, and kept its lid on firmly, no matter what the man did to try and open it.

"Feeling homesick?" Yunho said with a tilted smile as he sunk down next to Jaejoong on the bed.

Jaejoong paused his fight with the jar and looked up at the man beside him, his best friend and object of unlimited affection. "I honestly don't think I've ever missed them his much before," he said truthfully, feeling the weight of the words as he spoke them.

Yunho smiled sadly and reached up to pull his fingers through the hair above Jaejoong's ear. "When was the last time you spoke to them?"

Jaejoong sighed. "About twenty minutes ago." Yunho looked taken aback for a moment, and then he withdrew his hand with a laugh. "I know, I know," Jaejoong said, rolling his eyes. "I'm that pathetic."

"No, you're not," Yunho said, shaking his head. "You still realize the value of family even after... you know, everything. That's anything but pathetic." Jaejoong's heart swelled, something he was long since used to in the other man's presence. The way Yunho cherished loyalty, family and friendship always made him swoon inside. Discreetly, of course. "Do you want help putting them up?" Yunho continued, and Jaejoong nodded with a grateful smile. The younger of two looked about as exhausted as Jaejoong felt, but as a result of their over activity, all of them felt depressed and slightly helpless if they had nothing to occupy themselves with, so Jaejoong accepted the offer.

"Sure," he replied, "if I can ever get this damn jar open." He gripped the plastic firmly in his hands and tried to push in one of his fingernails under the edge of the lid, but it only resulted in his nail breaking, far back and close to the cuticle. He swore loudly as tiny drops of blood floated up, painting the underside of his nail a bright red.

Yunho shook his head with a small laugh. "I'll do it."

"You're too confident," Jaejoong said as he handed over the jar. "The inside of this thing is apparently not meant to be seen by human eyes."

Yunho snorted. "Is your finger okay?"

"Fine," Jaejoong said curtly, his pride wounded. Yunho took a more careful approach as he tried to get the thumbtacks out by trying to bend the lid open very carefully and slowly rather than just using force like Jaejoong. A few moments passed where neither of them said anything, but just waited in silence for Yunho's attempts to pay off or fail. "You know," Jaejoong began, but thinking back, he should have known from the other man's concentrated expression that speaking at that moment was not a smart move - because it really wasn't. Yunho jumped in surprise, the jar flew open and thumbtacks scattered all over the floor and Jaejoong's bed. "Sorry!" Jaejoong squeaked as the tacks rained down on their laps. "I'm sorry!"

Yunho shook his head, putting the almost completely empty jar down on the bed. "No, I'm sorry. I'll clean this up." He hurried to get off the bed and crouch down on the floor, and Jaejoong followed.

"Don't be stupid," he said, crouching down just beside the other man, careful not to step on any of the tacks. "I'll help." They looked at each other for a moment, and Jaejoong's heart beat happily somewhere in his throat. Yunho smiled at him, and Jaejoong felt like it was different somehow. It wasn't like it was the first time Yunho smiled at him, and it definitely wasn't the first time it made Jaejoong lose his breath - maybe it was because they were so close to each other? If Jaejoong had wanted to, he could have leaned forward just a little bit, and their lips would have been at the perfect height to meet. But instead of that, Jaejoong leaned back a little bit, and the two started collecting tacks, starting by pushing them all into a big pile between them.

"Jaejoong," Yunho said after a few silent moments of work. "Why do you think you miss your family so much?"

Jaejoong frowned. "Because they're my family," he said, not understanding why that would need any kind of explanation. "You know."

Yunho shifted his position slightly. "But, I mean... Do you feel lonely?"

Jaejoong suddenly felt nervous. He gave Yunho a quick glance only to see that the other man wasn't looking back at him. "Uhm... How do you mean?"

"In the group," Yunho clarified, and Jaejoong's tension eased a little. "You don't feel lonely in the group, do you?" Though he didn't look up, Jaejoong noted that Yunho had stopped his movements and now just sat there, and he could feel the younger man's eyes burn at his skin.

"No, of course not," he replied, at least almost sure that it was the truth. No, he was definitely not alone, but for Jaejoong, love was something he needed in his life not to feel lonely. And since he was in love with Yunho, who was in the group and could not love him back, that must somehow have meant that he felt lonely in the group, right?

"Okay."

Jaejoong also paused his movements and looked up to meet the leader's gaze. "I mean..." he said carefully, "do you?"

Yunho said nothing for a while. There was something about his expression that sent shivers down Jaejoong's spine; the way he wasn't blinking, but kept his gaze locked at Jaejoong's eyes so intensely that the older found it difficult to return it, and at the same time, it was like Yunho wasn't even there are all. He looked so empty. "There's this..." Yunho began, and Jaejoong had to hold his breath.

"What's wrong?" he asked when the younger wouldn't finish his sentence. Yunho's gaze flickered between Jaejoong's eyes and his lips, once, twice, three times, and Jaejoong couldn't help but wet his lips. What was happening?

"I just... Sometimes I feel like..." Yunho tried again, his voice not more than a whisper, his eyes now on Jaejoong's lips without moving an inch.

"I think I should--"

"Are you going to kiss me?" Jaejoong blurted out, unable to stop himself.

They both froze, and Jaejoong was pretty sure his heart stopped beating. Neither of them did anything; Yunho didn't move closer but he also didn't move away, he still stared as if possessed at Jaejoong's lips, and Jaejoong couldn't believe he had even said those words. How could he have been so stupid to think even for a second that Yunho would want to kiss him, how could he have been so dense, and now everything between them would be ruined and awkward for God knows how long--

Yunho leaned forward, of his knees hitting the floor right in the ocean of tacks they had managed to collect, and Jaejoong didn't have time to see any pain in his face before the younger man's lips had found his, rigid and with so much force that Jaejoong could only keep his balance for a short second before he fell back. He stopped his fall with a hand against the floor, and he gasped in pain as a tack pierced the skin of his palm. Barely having time to register what had just happened, Jaejoong looked up from his hand to see Yunho storming off towards the door.

"Wait," Jaejoong pleaded, terrified that other man would actually leave and their solid friendship would be lost forever, and what had just happened? Had Yunho really just kissed him, or had he just imagined it?

But Yunho just brushed off the tacks that had stuck to his pant leg and walked out the door. The tacks scattered over the floor as Jaejoong was left with tiny, insufficient relief that at least he didn't slam the door on his way out.

Since then, Jaejoong has learned that no, Yunho wasn't actually planning to kiss him. No, he didn't even really know himself what was going to happen, but he suspected he was about to confess his feelings to Jaejoong, and Jaejoong wishes he could have just kept his mouth shut and let Yunho get the words out on his own. Maybe then, if things had happened that way, things would have turned out differently in the end. Maybe starting their relationship with an honest conversation would have allowed them to trust each other more, or, should he say, allowed Yunho to trust Jaejoong more. Because until the end, Jaejoong never doubted Yunho's feelings for him, never doubted that things would be alright, not even once. But Yunho did. Yunho did, and in a way, that was the saddest part of their relationship, and perhaps the saddest part of Jaejoong's life; knowing that Yunho couldn't find it in himself to trust Jaejoong blindly, the way Jaejoong trusted him.

Ah, since then, Jaejoong has also found out that Yunho had been trying to make his feelings obvious to him for weeks. And, looking back, yes, it was obvious, but it was a truth that Jaejoong just couldn't wrap his mind around. Something so wonderful and unlikely that it couldn't have been anything else than a dream.

Yunho returned to their shared bedroom hours later, when Jaejoong had had the time to pick up every single thumbtack, pin the pictures of his family members to the wall above his bed, walk approximately three hundred laps around the room, dismissed five phone calls from different friends and lain down to cry in frustration for at least thirty minutes. The anxiety he felt was a thousand times worse than at the incident in Japan, because now he knew something had changed between them forever. Perhaps somewhere in the back of his mind he was happy that Yunho had kissed him -- how could he not be? But the reaction the other man showed had turned everything over in an instant.
Yunho walked in the door silently without looking at Jaejoong, and when he closed it behind him, he remained where he was standing, leaning his back against the door. Jaejoong sat up on the bed and inched his way to its edge, staring up at the man he loved, who couldn't bring himself to look up from the floor.

"Where did you go?" Jaejoong asked.

Yunho shook his head. "Nowhere, really."

Jaejoong nodded, a feeling of defeat filling him. So Yunho didn't want him to know. That did not bode well. "Okay."

"I'm... I'm really confused right now, Jaejoong," he said slowly, carefully looking up at the older man. "I never thought that I would..." He lifted his hand as if to try to make his point, but let it fall to his side again when he couldn't think of an end to the sentence.

"It's okay," Jaejoong assured. "It's alright. I'm confused too." It wasn't as much a lie as a slight modification of the truth, because Jaejoong was not unsure in any way about his feelings, but he was definitely confused about what was happening.

"I think I have feelings for you." Yunho didn't look up even as he said the words, and a light blush spread over his cheeks, much to Jaejoong's surprise. He hadn't thought Yunho was even able to blush, and the sight made his fingers twitch at how adorable it was.

"Think?" Jaejoong repeated with an insecure smile. "That's a pretty heavy confession if you're not sure..."

"I- I like you," Yunho interrupted. "I like you."

Jaejoong felt as though he was in another world, like his soul had left his body and flown to another dimension. This was just not possible in this world. The only thing that kept him from laughing out loud and yelling "good one!" was the fact that this was Yunho, and Yunho would never lie to him. "Me too," he said instead. "I like you."

Yunho finally looked up and met his eyes, at least for a short second, and they both smiled, unable to do anything else. Yunho looked away again, staring up the ceiling, everywhere but at Jaejoong, and his blush wasn't going anywhere. "I just don't know... I mean I don't understand..." he tried, started stuttering, started over, and stuttered again. Jaejoong stood up from the bed and made his way over to the other man, seeing the unsure look on his face and pausing a little to see if Yunho would object. When he didn't, Jaejoong took the last few steps over to him, repressing a wish to take him in his arms. He sensed that would do nothing to calm the other man's nerves. Yunho looked back at him cautiously, seemingly having completely lost his train of thought. "I have no idea where we go from here," he said then, and Jaejoong nodded. "I don't know how we could be together, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for anyone else to know."

"That's okay," Jaejoong replied, because not in his wildest dreams could he have imagined hearing those three words out of Yunho's mouth. His mind was still reeling. A million questions had risen in his mind already, like since when do you like men, do you like me as much as I like you, can I kiss you again, how do I stop this spinning in my head? But he knew that Yunho was in no state to answer any questions, so he kept them to himself. If he was lucky, the time would come for him to ask them.

"When I say that, I include the members," Yunho said, and Jaejoong felt a slight twinge in his heart. Hiding something like this from the members... He wasn't sure how that would be possible. But he was definitely willing to give it a try if it was what Yunho wanted.

"Okay," he said simply. "It's alright. We don't have to tell anyone. And we don't have to know exactly what we're getting ourselves into."

Yunho smiled at him. "Okay. Alright."

Jaejoong took a deep breath, and then he reached out, let his arms slide around Yunho's waist and pulled him closer. Yunho's arms encircled his shoulders, and Jaejoong closed his eyes, still not entirely sure he was awake at all, and breathed in the other man's scent, the safety, the love. "Let's just see where it takes us, okay?"

"Mm," was all Yunho said, but he tightened his hold on Jaejoong, hands rubbing up and down his back, and Jaejoong could feel his heart pounding heavily. He smiled into Yunho's neck, because was it really possible that Yunho's heart was racing because of him? Was it really? And then he realized that when he would pull back, maybe Yunho would kiss him again, properly this time, or Jaejoong could kiss him, and everything changed.

And where it would take them was initially awkward silences and worried glances, then onto shy smiles and handholding under tables before everything spun out of control, whispers, kisses, careful, muted sex at any given opportunity, and before long, Jaejoong fell deeper than he ever imagined possible. Everything revolved around Yunho. Everything. Everything still revolves around Yunho, Jaejoong realizes with a breathy laugh, and he knows that's not something that's ever going to change in this life. From that moment on, every decision he made was done with Yunho in mind.

Except for that one, final decision that ultimately ended everything, the one he regrets so bitterly now.

The sunrise is still hours away, but Jaejoong is too far gone to know that now. To say he's intoxicated is an understatement; he's sloped over his table, unable to lift his head up even if he'd want to, breathing heavily. Yes, this is the desired effect; he's unaware of everything in his surroundings except for that wonderful, half-empty wine glass. He reaches out a hand for it, but it's closer than he'd thought, and he accidentally knocks it over, wine spills out over the table in a little red ocean, and the phone on his other side rings again.

He doesn't need to focus and try to remember anymore, but memories start playing automatically in his mind, a montage of a past life he sometimes resented so much, a past life he wants back so badly he's unable to put it into words. As if to remind him why he shouldn't miss the other man so much, his mind takes him back to the memory of one of the worst nights of Jaejoong's life.

He was backstage at a Korean variety show, Heroine 6 - a show they all enjoyed a lot. They were taking a break filming the show's last episode after a two-year run, and all five members were there. Yunho and Jaejoong sat together at a table, their fingers intertwined, thighs touching, legs entangled under the table, while a tired Changmin and their managers sat on the opposite end of the table, eyeing them in amusement. None of the members knew about their relationship -- well, not that they knew of, anyway. Jaejoong knew there were many clues that could have given the whole thing away to their friends, but in terms of public shows of affection, they were no different from when they were friends. Jaejoong remembers clearly how happy he was that night, how good the mood was despite their constant tiredness, and it burns in his chest like fireworks gone awry.

Jaejoong suddenly noticed the way Yunho was eyeing him carefully and thoughtfully, so he looked up to meet his eyes. "What?" he asked.

"Nothing," Yunho replied with a smile. "I just like you blond. It suits you so well."

Jaejoong did his best not to look too happy and gave Changmin and their manager a careful look. He didn't share Yunho's feelings about keeping their relationship a secret, and if Yunho wasn't going to be discreet about it -- well, then he definitely wasn't going to suggest it.

"Really?" he said, "cause I feel self-conscious about it. I don't look like a giant baby?"

"No," Yunho said with a shake of his head. "You look beautiful." At this, though, Jaejoong couldn't hold back his embarrassment, because regardless of if people knew about their relationship, being complimented like that in front of other people definitely made him flustered. He reached out and gave a light punch to Yunho's shoulder.

"One doesn't exclude the other," Changmin pointed out from across the table. Jaejoong sent him a death glare.

"Our leader says I'm beautiful, so it must be true," he said.

"Yeah," Changmin agreed, nodding, much to Jaejoong's surprise. "A beautiful, giant baby."

"Hey!" Jaejoong said, letting go of Yunho's hand and standing up from the table, trying to look threatening.

"They were your words, not mine," Changmin said with a shrug. Their manager laughed exasperatedly.

Jaejoong turned to Yunho, asking him silently to put a stop to their youngest member's disrespectfulness, but Yunho just rolled his eyes. "You two," he said simply, reaching over for a bottle of orange juice he had been given by a staff member earlier. He downed half the bottle, drinking it slowly only to escape his duty as a good boyfriend, Jaejoong assumed.

Jaejoong sunk down next to him again, deciding that abusing Changmin probably wasn't the best idea to act on in public. "Can we not hold auditions for a new maknae?" he asked their manager.

The older man shook his head. "Sorry."

"The law is forgiving towards hyungs who behead their maknaes though, right?"

"I wouldn't count on it."

"Well, it should."

When their break was starting to come to its end, the hosts and other guests joined them in their room, chatting, laughing and coming up with new ideas for the rest of the show. Yunho got up from the table and walked over to the main host of the show to strike up a conversation, while Jaejoong remained seated. He had never been as good at socializing as Yunho, though he was learning little by little. Soon Changmin got up too and walked off to Yunho's side, and instead Yoochun came over and sat down where Yunho had been sitting earlier. They sat together in silence, listening in on the different conversations that were being held in the room, all very loud, enthusiastic and filled with laughter. Jaejoong felt warm, and Yoochun looked happy too.

Absent-mindedly, Jaejoong took the now empty orange juice bottle in his hands. He spun it in his hands, not even truly aware of what he was doing, and in his calm happiness, he was overwhelmed with pride. Pride over the fact that Yunho had chosen him, and even though they hadn't told anyone yet, Jaejoong was sure the day would come at some point. He was proud that he was a part of TVXQ, proud to be sitting there on the bench with Yoochun, neither of them needing to say anything to know what the other was feeling. He looked up and saw that Yunho had now moved to another table, now sitting with his back towards Jaejoong, together with one of the comedians that frequently guested the show.

And then Jaejoong noticed there was something stuck behind the label on the bottle in his hands. The label itself seemed to be coming off, and another piece of paper was stuck to its worn-off glue.

Curious, Jaejoong pulled it off. It was a folded piece of paper, and with a mixed sense of curiosity, excitement and nervousness, he unfolded it.

"What's that?" Yoochun asked, but then Jaejoong saw the words written on it, and he couldn't form words to reply.

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE SO POPULAR? DO YOU THINK YOU'RE SO GREAT? DON'T SHOW OFF. YOUR ARROGANCE MAKES ME WANT TO KILL YOU.

Every last piece of happiness was swept clean from his veins. He held out the note for Yoochun to see, his body already numb, and as he turned around to look for Yunho he heard someone yelling "do you think it's okay if we extend the break another ten minutes? Yunho isn't feeling all that well", and their manager was there, reading the note too. He snatched it out of Jaejoong's grip and ran over to Yunho, and Jaejoong stood up on shaky legs, quickly following. When Jaejoong reached him, there were drops of sweat on his forehead, and he was staring at the note, his eyes wide and filled with horror, and Jaejoong felt like he was about to faint.

"Go, get this out of you! Stick your fingers down your throat! Hurry!" Their manager yelled, and then Yunho set off with Changmin right behind him, and even though Jaejoong tried to run after them, the bathroom door was slammed shut and locked in his face, and he was trapped on the other side with Yoochun, Junsu, their manager, all of the staff and guests. He wanted to bang his fists against the door, but he knew it wasn't going to help, and it was only going to stress them further, so he just leaned against the door and ran his hands all over it, wishing so badly that Changmin would open it and let him in.

"Changmin," he cried, yes, really cried, because tears were already streaming down his cheeks. He didn't understand - how could somebody even think of wanting to kill Yunho? Yunho who was the kindest, most gentle and loyal person he had ever met? How could somebody even think of doing this to him? And what exactly was in that bottle, and why couldn't the idiot taste it, Jaejoong thought, leaning his forehead against the door as his world seemed to shatter.

The door was unlocked after a few minutes and Jaejoong immediately jumped back. The door opened and Changmin stood there, eyes wide and panicked, looking for any kind of help. "I think he's losing consciousness," he said helplessly. Jaejoong pushed past him and hurried into the room, and there, next to the sink was Yunho, sloped against the wall, his eyelids fluttering. Jaejoong threw himself down on his knees, hands on either of the younger man's shoulders.

"Did he get it out?" he heard Junsu ask anxiously somewhere behind him.

"Yunho..." Jaejoong mumbled, cupping his face. Yunho's eyes opened for a short second, but closed again in an instant.

"He threw up, but it was all blood," Changmin said, and Jaejoong's body went cold. "Did anyone call an ambulance?"

Jaejoong spun around, fear biting as his heart; how could he have forgotten something like that? The man he loved had been poisoned and might be dying, and he couldn't even remember to call an ambulance? But their manager nodded yes, and that was enough for Jaejoong right then, so he turned back to the unresponsive man in front of him. The love of his life. "Yunho," he pleaded, "Yunho!" Tears still poured over his cheeks, and Jaejoong shook the younger man carefully by his shoulders. "Yunho, come on... Stay awake. Yunho, please." The fear seemed to swirl up to the surface at a breathtaking speed and then it swallowed him whole, he sobbed out loud and yelled "Yunho!" in the other man's expressionless face.

"Jaejoong, get back," their manager said as he crouched down next to them.

"No," Jaejoong replied instantly, because there was no way he would leave Yunho's side.

"Panicking isn't going to help anything," the other man said, though his voice was trembling a little too. "It's not going to help Yunho."
Understanding in his hazy mind that helping Yunho was the most important thing, he got up and let their manager take over from there, and he crashed into Junsu's waiting embrace while his tears poured; there was nothing they could do but wait for the ambulance to arrive.

Part B