All Alone (Part B)

[swshawnee]

Title: All Alone
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: PG-15
Genre: Angst, romance
Summary: Jaejoong tries to get over Yunho by remembering the times he's been left alone.
Wordcount: 6,189
Part A



When Yunho was carried into the ambulance that night, Jaejoong tried to follow along.

"You can't go," said their manager.

"Are you joking?" Jaejoong asked in disbelief. "Our leader has been poisoned, I'm going with him to the hospital."

"You have schedules to attend," the manager insisted. They were standing outside the studio, and every word they spoke formed vapor in the late October air.

"Please, tell me you're not serious," Jaejoong said. "You want us to work while Yunho could be dying in the hospital?" The other three members stood behind him, and when he turned around he saw their faces express the same disbelief he was feeling himself. The paramedics shut the doors of the ambulance and drove away, the sirens blaring, and Jaejoong understood with a sinking horror that he had missed his chance. Their manager would never drive him to the hospital now.

"Do you want to pay the fine?" the older man asked. The fine, the amount they had to pay if they were ever late or missed an event. Jaejoong had had to do it several times before. They all had.

"Yes!" he cried, because he didn't care, what was money if he couldn't be with Yunho?

Their manager shook his head. "You're going to keep up TVXQ's reputation and do what I tell you."

And Jaejoong did. Not without tears or screams, not without heartache and a piercing horror that he could not escape, but he did.

It wasn't long until they found out that Yunho's drink had been spiked with super glue, and that he was going to be fine. He had woken up at the hospital. There was a vomiting problem - as in he couldn't stop - but he would be okay, and it probably wouldn't take a very long time.

But it would take a very long time for Jaejoong to ever feel calm again.

A few days later, Yunho was out of the hospital. Quicker than anyone would have thought, but then again it wasn't exactly a secret that SM Entertainment's first priority was not their artists' health. But Yunho seemed healthy, although shook up, of course. They all were. But none more than Jaejoong.

Compared to the younger man's composure, Jaejoong was a wreck. Every time he looked at Yunho he had to fight his instincts not to take him in his arms, hold him and never let him go, protect him and never let anything ever happen to him again. Of course his other instincts told him to break down, cry his eyes out, start screaming and accusing people of wanting to hurt the man he loved, and those were harder to restrain. Naturally, he took it upon himself to take care of their mental distress.

Two years had passed since their uncomfortable first kiss. Two years in which they had slowly but surely overcome their initial awkwardness, learned how to properly hold each other's hands, discovered what to say to cheer each other up, and more importantly what not to say, figured out exactly how to behave to make each other happy, and with that, learned just how to break each other's hearts.

But despite that, Jaejoong wasn't afraid. Yunho knew how much Jaejoong hated sneaking around and pretending like they were just friends, answering questions to the press about their ideal women time and time again, but at least the younger man was very apologetic to Jaejoong whenever the subject would come up. He understood the hurt and the disappointment that even after two years, Yunho couldn't step up and let even their closest friends in on their secret. And he did everything in his power to make it up to Jaejoong.

Jaejoong let out a moan that was easily concealed in a gasp, a habit he had long since adapted, and one he assumed would follow him through his entire life. Yunho's lips were just above his collarbone, sucking slightly and giving loving, gentle kisses over the sensitive skin.
They were lying side by side on top of the covers on their hotel bed - they always shared a room wherever they went, and no one, group member or staff, ever thought it to be strange anymore. It was just the way it was with them. They were somewhere in South Korea, somewhere far south, and if Jaejoong were to be honest, he didn't quite remember where exactly. But with the warmth of Yunho's body so close, how could he have room for anything else in his mind? He wasn't ever going to get tired of this feeling, of feeling Yunho's hardness through his pants, of the uncontrollable butterflies in his stomach whenever Yunho would reach for his pants button, the way everything felt exhilarating and new, but at the same time safe.

Yunho's lips came up to meet his, and Jaejoong lost himself in the feeling of their tongues meeting. He reached down, cupping Yunho through his pants at the same time as he slid his tongue along his bottom lip. Yunho's mouth fell open in a silent moan, his breath shuddering before it mixed with Jaejoong's. Yunho's legs entangled with his, and he inched closer, desperately thrusting against Jaejoong's hand, begging for friction. This was life, Jaejoong realized; this was all he ever wanted to feel again. Intense happiness filled and overpowered him and he did his best to respond to Yunho's now increasingly heated and eager kisses. The feeling of belonging was so strong, so perfect that if he hadn't been so unbearably turned on, he would probably have cried.

"Jaejoong," Yunho whispered between kisses, "I have to tell you something."

"Aha," Jaejoong replied breathlessly, taking the opportunity to try to catch his breath while he slowly slipped his hand beneath the waistband of the other's pants.

"I love you."

Everything seemed to stop for a moment. It was the first time Yunho had said the three words out loud in a non-broadcast context, in a more than friendship way. Even though Jaejoong had already known - there was no way Yunho would have stayed with him for two years if he hadn't loved him - hearing the words actually spoken was a thousand times better than just knowing them to be true.

Jaejoong was complete.

"I love you too," he whispered back, catching Yunho's lips with his own again because he didn't know what to do, how to behave, how to act when the happiness was taking him over so completely, and the only thought in his mind was the question how could he be so unbelievably lucky? Yunho climbed on top of him without breaking their kiss, and Jaejoong quickly undid his zipper.

"I love you so much," Yunho whispered against his lips, then pulled back, looking him in the eyes to somehow prove that he was telling the truth. But there was no need; Jaejoong understood.

"I love you more."

"Not possible," Yunho said, leaning down for more kisses, and just before Jaejoong closed his eyes, he saw something moving behind Yunho's back.

His eyes shot open again in surprise, and he managed to catch Yoochun's shocked face just before he turned away. "Yunho," he said, pushing the other man up and off him.

"What?" He asked, and turned around to face Yoochun's back as the younger ran out the door, slamming it behind him. "Shit," Yunho hissed, jumping off the bed, more curses spilling out under his breath. He didn't spare Jaejoong another glance, but fixed his zipper and hurried to follow their bandmate.

Jaejoong was left in silence, remaining right where Yunho left him. He felt empty, cold where Yunho would have kept him warm, and with a slowly melting arousal. He wasn't scared. On the contrary, he was relieved. He shouldn't have been, and he knew that, but he couldn't help it. Maybe their secrets and sneaking around could finally come to an end, and they could enjoy each other's company to the fullest no matter how many of their members were in the same room. And he knew Yoochun better than to think their friendship would be harmed. Thinking anything else was an offense to the bond they shared.

As long as he had Yunho by his side, everything would be okay.

"Problem solved, I guess," he mumbled to himself.

For the first time, Yunho had run out the door and Jaejoong did not feel alone.

When Yunho returned, Jaejoong's mind was fuzzy with sleep.

"What happened?" he asked. Yunho's back was hunched and his eyes were glassy.

"I... I think I managed to convince him not to tell the others," he replied, slowly walking over to their bed. The words were meant to be comforting, and Jaejoong knew that, but it had the opposite effect on him.

"Okay," he said carefully.

"He said he had to tell them, but... I think he came around in the end." He sat down with his back against the headboard, his arm snaking around Jaejoong's shoulders. The usual tightness of his embrace was gone. "Jaejoong, this is bad."

Jaejoong leaned his head against his chest. "What's bad?" he mumbled. "Everything worked out fine, right? He doesn't hate us?"

"No," Yunho admitted, "but he isn't crazy about the idea, because - and I quote - it isn't something he really wants to see. Which I can understand."

Yunho used one of his hands to carefully stroke the skin of Jaejoong's arm - a foolproof way of calming him down, no matter what the situation was. Jaejoong sighed, tiptoeing around his own hurt over the way Yunho spoke about them. "In time, he will remember that our happiness is the most important thing," he said, knowing it to be true as he said it. "Yoochun isn't an idiot, and neither is he a bigot. Well, not that much, anyway. He'll come around." He looked up at the younger man to see how the words affected him, but he looked nothing but worried.

"I guess."

Jaejoong rolled his eyes and dragged himself halfway out of Yunho's embrace. "God, do you have to look so sad?" he snapped. "Are you really that ashamed?"

"What?" Yunho said, trying to pull Jaejoong closer to him again. "No, Jaejoong, I- it's just, you know I still don't feel ready to let people know."

"And why is that?" Jaejoong asked, sitting up. "It's been two years, Yunho."

Taken aback, Yunho stared at the other man with wide eyes. "I know that. But you said we'd take things slow. You said you would wait for me."

"I'm not asking you to do anything," Jaejoong muttered.

"Then what are you trying to do?" Yunho demanded, sitting up on his knees with tears in his voice.

"I'm trying to make you understand how much it hurts me when you treat me like your dirty little secret!" Jaejoong yelled.

Yunho stared at him in shock for a moment before pursing his lips and looking away. "Look, Jaejoong, I'm sorry," he said. "I was just worried that maybe Yoochun would have a stronger reaction. Is that really so hard for you to understand?"

"Don't act like you're afraid of Yoochun being a homophobe when the only real homophobe around here is you," Jaejoong spat.

"You can't be serious."

Jaejoong rolled his eyes, somewhere deep down he knew he had gone too far, but he was high on the relief of finally getting an outlet for his repressed rage. "You obviously think it's shameful to be with another man, right? I mean, what else could it be?" Yunho didn't argue, didn't try to stop him, didn't do anything. "But you don't think it's shameful to make the one you claim to love feel like he's something to be ashamed of?"

"I do love you," Yunho said simply. "I love you, and that's not in any way connected to my fear of being judged."

"Maybe that's how you see it," Jaejoong said, "but I don't. You don't want people to know that you love me, or that I love you." Jaejoong paused, wanting and wishing for the other man to argue, even though he knew he was speaking the truth. He sighed. "I always feel so proud... that you chose me. I want the entire world to know that I am yours, all the time. I just wish you felt the same."

"I am proud," Yunho insisted, and Jaejoong glared at him in disbelief. "And I don't think it's shameful. But I know there are many people in this world who wouldn't agree with me."

"Well, what does it fucking matter what they think?" Jaejoong asked, flaring up again. "Screw them!"

"If they don't matter, then why are you so eager to tell them?" Yunho asked back immediately. Suddenly the words had run out; Jaejoong had absolutely nothing to reply. No, he didn't know why telling people felt so important, but it did. Did he really need a reason? "I thought we were fine with just the two of us," Yunho continued. "I don't understand why you want to include other people in what we have."

"Because it would make me feel like I matter to you."

"But you do matter to me," Yunho said, leaning over the bed to catch Jaejoong's avoiding eyes. "Other people knowing wouldn't make this any more real."

"So listen to yourself," Jaejoong said. "Other people knowing wouldn't make this any more real. And no one else knowing doesn't make it any less real." Yunho frowned. "If you're ashamed of being with me, then the problem isn't other people finding out. It's us being together at all."

Silence fell. Jaejoong's heart ached, but he still wasn't scared. Everything was going to be okay. If only Yunho could see his side, they would work it out. He knew that.

"You said you wouldn't force me to come out to anyone until I was ready," Yunho said quietly after a while. "I trusted you. Now I'm not so sure anymore."

Jaejoong felt as though his breath was knocked out of his body. "Yunho, no, I was just hurt..." He reached out for Yunho's hand.

"Yeah. So, what, promises only apply as long as you don't feel hurt?" The younger man said, pulling his hand away from Jaejoong's. "You feel hurt, so the words of comfort don't matter anymore, so then I feel hurt and... then what?"

"I don't know," Jaejoong whispered.

They stared at each other. Jaejoong was honestly surprised that neither of them was in tears yet, because that was usually what ended their fights.

"I'll just ask you straight," Yunho said, rearranging his position and taking a deep breath. "Are you ever going to be okay with our relationship being secret?"

Jaejoong met his eyes and wanted so badly to say yes, yes, I'm okay now, it's alright, I was just being an idiot, the only thing matters is that we're together... But maybe that wasn't true. What was the point of them being together if they were both going to be hurt?

"No," he said, shaking his head in defeat. "Are you ever going to feel ready telling anybody?"

Another few silent seconds passed. Jaejoong could see the internal struggle in Yunho's eyes, much like his own, and he forgot himself for a moment, imagining hearing the word "yes" said in that firm, responsible voice.

"No," replied Yunho.

"So what do we do?"

"I don't know. I... don't want this to end," Yunho said, taking Jaejoong's quivering hand.

"Me neither," Jaejoong replied.

And that's when the tears came.

They went to sleep that night with their backs against each other. Their tears had run out, thankfully, but both spent the night awake, wondering if the other was sleeping and trying to pretend they didn't feel like maybe it was the beginning of the end.

But they both knew it was.

The next memory is blurred around the edges; it's too painful for his own mind to allow him to remember it fully. And he thanks his lucky star, because he doesn't want to remember.

Yunho stormed into whichever room they were in, Jaejoong can't remember. Not where, now how, not why, but he remembers clearly the anger on the other man's face.

"I really wish you would stop with the fucking fan service shit." Jaejoong remembers being completely taken aback by Yunho's choice of words, because he so rarely ever cursed.

"What?" Jaejoong said. "Even the company wants us to do it. And the fans love it."

"They love it because they think it's a joke, Jaejoong!" Yunho said, the sudden anger frightening Jaejoong. "If they found out it's true, they wouldn't love it so much anymore!"

Their last words of their previous fight had kept them warm for weeks, months, but since then it had slowly melted away. Now only the hurt remained. Jaejoong's resolve had faded too. He didn't want to fight anymore. He didn't care if he got his way. He just wanted everything to go back to the way they had been, because nowadays he was scared all the time that Yunho would leave him. "Fine, fine," he said, "I'll stop. Even though the company told us to continue, I'll stop. Okay?" It wasn't that big of a deal to him. Sure, he wanted their close friends and family to know about them, but confessing their love on stage could only be counted as overkill, even to Jaejoong. He thought his words would end any potential argument, but the look in Yunho's eyes didn't change.

"I..." the younger man said, and so many unsaid words collected in Jaejoong's mind.

"What?" he asked. "I told you I'd stop. Everything's fine. Right?" But he said it only because he knew it was not.

"I'm just... I'm really confused right now, Jaejoong," Yunho said. Jaejoong couldn't believe his ears. Those were almost the exact words Yunho had said to him right before he confessed his feelings for the first time. Surely he couldn't be so heartless as to break up with him with those same words?

"What are you saying?" Jaejoong asked, his heart already sinking because he knew what was coming.

"I think... we should call things off for a while."

It couldn't be happening. Of course he had known for months, could it even be a year? that it would, but it just couldn't. Yunho could not be leaving him, not after all this time.

"Are you... are you breaking up with me?" he choked out, already feeling like he was losing the ability to speak or even think.

The seconds Yunho hesitated burned their way deep into Jaejoong's heart and tore it to pieces. "No," Yunho said then. "Yes. I don't know."

"Why?"

"I think... in the end, maybe we only end up hurting each other. Because what we want is so different." He couldn't meet Jaejoong's eyes.

All Jaejoong could feel was his own painfully strong pulse, his heart was beating so hard he was afraid it might strain itself and stop completely. Yunho couldn't be leaving him. It just wasn't a possibility. But soon the anger broke through his veil of denial, and he felt something break inside him. How could Yunho do this to him? Could he just throw everything they had shared away? Just like that, with a few short, pointless sentences? He turned around, but until now he still can't remember what he saw. All he remembers is that he mumbled "I have to...", but Yunho grabbed his arm before he had a chance to walk away.

"I don't want to live without you," Yunho said, tears spilling out of his eyes down to the floor. And no, neither did Jaejoong (though he thought a more accurate word was 'can't', he couldn't live without Yunho, and maybe that was the difference between the two of them), but who was Jaejoong to argue when Yunho had made his choice? Love takes two, and Jaejoong knew it wasn't something he could force.

"At least tell me the real reason," he said. "Be a man, and tell me the real reason why you're doing this."

"I have," Yunho said, wiping his tears.

"So that's it? You're throwing all of this away because we fight? Because we disagree?" Jaejoong rambled, unable to stop the pain that pierced his hear with every word. "We always make up, we always end up okay! Everyone fights, Yunho, it doesn't mean you can't work things out!"

"But we can't," Yunho tried. "I can't be what you want, and... you can't be patient enough to wait for me."

"But I can," Jaejoong said, clinging to Yunho's arms. "I can wait. I've been an idiot and I'm sorry, but I can wait. It doesn't matter to me who knows, I just want to be with you. I need you."

"It does matter to you," Yunho argued, staring down at the floor. "You can't say that it doesn't."

"Fine, it does. But you matter more. Please, Yunho, please, I'll do better, I promise, just don't..." he pleaded, trying to stop his tears, but to no avail.

"Jaejoong, you don't want to wait. It would only hurt you."

"Can't you hear what I'm saying? I can wait, I can, and I want to, so don't do this!"

Yunho shook his head. "I don't want to hurt you any more."

Jaejoong's tears poured. "Can't you see I'm hurting so much more now?" More tears streamed down the younger man's face. "Don't tell me you're doing this for my sake if you can't even listen to what I want. Yunho, please."

Finally, Yunho gave in. "Okay," he said, slowly. "I will think about it."

"How long?" Jaejoong sobbed through the half-hearted relief in his chest.

"I don't know," Yunho replied. "Okay? Is it okay?"

No, it sure as hell wasn't okay, because more thinking only ever led to overthinking and overanalyzing, reading between the lines when there wasn't even anything there. But it wasn't a definite goodbye to them, to love, and probably to friendship too, so it would have to do.

The sun is about to rise. Jaejoong stares at the light shades of orange from where he's resting on top of the kitchen table, still anything but sober. But at least he can open his eyes now, and that must be an improvement, right?

That all depends on your perspective, he supposes.

The pain is unbearable. He wishes he could say that it's more than normal, that it's heavier because of his drinking or the memories playing through his head, but it's not. It's never better. It's never worse.

If he's right, his phone will ring once more tonight, in about thirty minutes from now. Once it has, he can admit defeat once more, like so many nights before, and he can crash in his bed without undressing. He'll probably wake up around 3 p.m. tomorrow with a war zone in his head, but at least that's distracting. And it's familiar by now. He laughs into the arm his head is resting on, because his life is just that pathetic. The idea that thinking of painful memories will make him love Yunho any less is completely idiotic, because even now, he'd kill to have those hardships back, trade everything in his life to live through them again.

Knowing that he can't make anything worse, he thinks back to the last time he was left alone, a loneliness that stretches and embraces him even in this moment. He closes his eyes again.

Yunho didn't break up with him - well, not completely anyway, but it wasn't like before. Sometimes they fought about it, sometimes they had sex, sometimes they just held each other, but it wasn't like they were a couple anymore. And at the same time they were anything but friends. Even if they never said they loved each other anymore.

The incessant exhaustion in Jaejoong's body, mind and soul only worsened after the loss of Yunho's love. It was painful, it was far from alright, but he couldn't bring himself to put a stop to whatever was left between them. Slowly but surely, ideas and dreams of leaving the company started to fill his mind: sleeping six hours a night, no more paying fines if he was late, no more being forced to do things he didn't want to. One night, he had mentioned the dreams to Yoochun, and he shared Jaejoong's longing down to every last little detail. They both agreed it could never happen, but when Jaejoong talked to Junsu and got the same response, he wasn't sure how impossible the scenario really would be.

It was in the middle of the night, and Jaejoong was lying on his bed. Yunho, Junsu and Yoochun were all there. Changmin was in the bathroom, alternating between vomiting and crying so loudly that Junsu had to cover his ears with his pillow. Changmin was starring in a new drama, and Jaejoong would have been happy for him if it wasn't for the physical toll it was taking on their youngest member.

"I'll go and see if he's okay," Yunho said, trying to crawl out of his bed. He, too, was in a new drama, and his eyes seemed about to turn back in his head from tiredness.

"Yunho, lie down," Jaejoong hissed, "or you'll just go in there throw up along with him."

"I'll go," Yoochun said, quickly on his feet. He was a kind person, of course, but Jaejoong suspected it wasn't just worry for Changmin that made him so eager to leave the room; he had a tendency to suddenly be in a big hurry whenever Jaejoong and Yunho seemed to be fighting. Jaejoong supposed he couldn't blame him.

They listened to Yoochun's and Changmin's lowered voices from the other room, one of them comforting, one of them desperate. The noises and loud groans told them it wasn't over, and Junsu threw his pillow onto the floor. "I can't take this anymore!"

Yunho and Jaejoong both stared at the youngest in the room. Junsu was normally their energy pill, the one who made sure everyone was okay, and to hear him say something like that made them both surprised. But Jaejoong agreed whole heartedly, if this was going to go on, it just wasn't worth staying for. "Let's leave," he blurted out. "Let's leave the company."

Junsu and Yunho both stared at him this time. "We signed 13 year contracts," Yunho stated numbly.

"I know that, but this isn't right. Let's sue them." Jaejoong waited for a reaction, but none came. Junsu picked up his pillow from the floor.

"Sue the company?" Yunho repeated.

Jaejoong nodded. "This can't be legal. This is slavery."

"Isn't that a little harsh?" Yunho asked, glancing carefully at Junsu. "Yeah, we're busy, but we signed on for this. This is what being an idol means, and I don't know about you, but I knew that when I signed that contract."

"I thought I knew," Jaejoong replied, "but I agree with Junsu, I can't stand this anymore. And by the sounds of it, I don't think Changmin can either."

Yunho turned to Junsu, silently asking for his opinion. "I'm with Jaejoong," Junsu said after a short moment of hesitation. "I don't think this is right."

"Let's do it," Jaejoong said, feeling elated all of a sudden, the thought of freedom toying with his nerves.

"Wait, guys," Yunho said, and as he turned back to Jaejoong, the older man could see a hint of panic in his eyes. It didn't bother him. Yunho hadn't thought this through as much as he had, but once he had, he would come around. Jaejoong was sure. "Why can't we just wait until those 13 years are over, and then..?" He shrugged.

"That's years away, Yunho," Jaejoong replied. "Do you really want to spend another few years listening to Changmin throwing up? Of barely sleeping, of not being paid your share?"

"You'll wreck everything we've built so far if you do this," Yunho said. There was something in his voice that was almost like a threat, and it made Jaejoong see red.

"Do you think our fans will care what record label we're signed to?" he spat.

"No," Yunho said calmly, "but the rest of the entertainment industry would."

"And that’s more important than your health? Than my health, than Changmin's?"

Yunho fell silent, grinding his teeth. That's good, Jaejoong thought; he was realizing the truth. He'd be convinced in no time.

"SM entertainment are who gave us a chance from the start," he bit out. "Have you forgotten that? They are the ones who gave us everything we have. We'd be nowhere without them."

"They helped us come a long way, sure," Junsu said, stopping the snarky reply that was waiting on Jaejoong's lips. "But they did it for themselves. For money, for success, not for us."

Jaejoong nodded in agreement. "Exactly."

"You can't be serious," Yunho said in disbelief. "You must know that's not true."

Yunho's endless loyalty wasn't endearing anymore: it was tiring. "Really?" Jaejoong said sarcastically. "Is that why they won't let us rest until we're so out of it that we can't even speak?"

A few moments of silence in which Yunho sent Jaejoong a death glare. "That's how any serious professional should work to achieve his dream."

The door swung open with a creak. Changmin had one of his arms draped over Yoochun's shoulders as they supported each other into the room. Changmin looked two seconds away from fainting of exhaustion when he sunk down on his bed, and Yoochun gave Jaejoong a look that very clearly told him that a heated discussion was not what they needed right then. What they all needed was to sleep. So Jaejoong shot Yunho a glare that let him know the discussion definitely wasn't over, and then he turned over in his bed, pulling the sheets almost over his head. Couldn't the other man stop being so goddamn stubborn? It wasn't even a question of opinion, it was clear for anyone to see that they were being abused. Changmin would agree, there was no way he wouldn't, especially not after the last few weeks. And he already knew Yoochun was on board, so Yunho was the only one resisting. And out of pure stubbornness at that. What did he have to stay for, anyway? The five of them had a strong fan base, and as long as the five of them were together, it wouldn't matter where they went.

Maybe, if it came down to a vote, and four of them versus Yunho wanted to leave, maybe Yunho would do it for the group. Jaejoong knew how much it meant to him, of course, how much he cherished their friendship. And once they were out of the company, they could finally breathe easier again. They would be able to sleep properly, eat properly, live properly, and without all the strain SM put on them, Jaejoong was sure he could go back to Yunho, and they would be able to see clearly how much they needed each other.

He fell asleep with something akin to excitement in his stomach, something like hope, maybe of a better life, maybe of rediscovering love. And tomorrow, he would talk to Yunho, and maybe they would come to a decision. If not tomorrow, then someday soon. And life would turn around again.

The next day, Yunho pulled him inside an empty room during a break from a variety show filming. "I spoke to Changmin," he said. "He agrees with me."

Jaejoong could do nothing but stare. "Agrees with you?"

"He agrees with me, he doesn't think we should leave."

Jaejoong sat down on top of one of the tables in the room. "I see," he said. "And did he agree before you spoke to him?"

"What?" Yunho asked, disbelief clear on his face.

"What did you tell him to convince him to stay?"

"Nothing!" Yunho half-yelled. "He wants to stay!"

Jaejoong snorted. "I find that very hard to believe."

"So go talk to him yourself," Yunho hissed, "but don't try to convince him to leave. He doesn't want anything to do with this." For a moment Jaejoong considered doing just that, just walking out the door to find Changmin and ask him what the hell was wrong with him, but not yet. Convincing Yunho was the most important thing. Maybe if he did that, Changmin would follow too. "I don't know what Yoochun thinks about all of this-" Yunho began, but Jaejoong cut him off.

"He agrees with me. He wants to go." Yunho looked at him, the glint in his eyes slowly dying. "So I guess it's three against two then, huh?"

"What?" Yunho asked with a frown.

Jaejoong sighed. "Shouldn't we do what's best for the group? If three of us feel like we're about to die, shouldn't we-"

"I am not leaving," Yunho said firmly, staring straight into Jaejoong's eyes. His gaze showed nothing but cold determination. "No matter what happens, I'm not leaving."

Jaejoong couldn't take in his words. What was happening? How could Yunho be so against getting out, when he was just as exhausted as the rest of them? Just what did he have to stay for that was so important that he wouldn't come along even if the rest of the group went? Starting to feel a little scared, Jaejoong grabbed the other man's arm and pulled him closer to where he was sitting. "Are you doing this to end things properly with me?" he asked, anger rising in his chest. "Because if you are, I wish you'd just be a man and fucking say so already."

Yunho jerked his arm out of Jaejoong's grip, but didn't back away. "Don't flatter yourself," he spat, "I would never let the others suffer because of what's happened between you and me."

"So why?" Jaejoong asked. "Why are you so dead set on not letting us have the freedom we deserve?"

Yunho rolled his eyes. "I am not going to sue the people who made my every single dream come true. That's why."

Helplessness ripped and tore at Jaejoong's heart; this was not how things were supposed to go down. He couldn't live without Yunho - the sudden thought shook his spine - but even though not much time had passed since the idea of leaving first struck him, it had become a necessary dream, a vital part of his existence, because he was so tired of everything in his life that his mind couldn't function properly anymore. He needed to get out. And he needed Yunho. So he said "we're leaving" in a small voice, staring down at his lap, "no matter what you do." A last, feeble attempt to get his way, to scare Yunho into complying, to put their group on the line to get what he wanted.

"I'm staying," Yunho said.

Defeat crashed down on the top of Jaejoong's head so painfully he had to fight for a breath. "I can't believe you'd break us up," he stated numbly.

"You're the one who's leaving," the younger man said, obviously offended. "I guess we really do want different things."

"I guess so," Jaejoong said, standing up and walking right past the other man without looking back. "Then this is probably for the best."

He shut the door behind him and showed everyone on set a bright smile, as though everything was normal, as if his heart wasn't breaking into a million pieces and half of his dream was ripped straight out of his chest. And though it would take a while before they were physically separated, that moment was the end of everything they had been.

The wine has dried into a sticky layer of goo on his table and floor, but he doesn't care. Cleaning up will be as unpleasant tomorrow as it would right now, so he might as well wait, he figures. He has other things to deal with right now. He stares at his phone; five minutes left until the last call will be made. He gets up from the table, slowly and heavily, his limbs cracking, numb from having stayed in the same position for hours upon hours. His gaze is locked on his phone still as he makes his way to the front door, where he slides on a pair of shoes, opens the door and steps out into the warm morning air. The world is still somewhat instable around him, but he's definitely more sober now. Enough to hear his own thoughts, at least.

The sun is rising over a clear, violet sky. The view of the sunrise is as familiar to him by now as the wine, the calls and the hangover, but it's a lot more precious. Calming. The air is refreshing around him.

When Jaejoong still had the chance to talk to Yunho, he thought he knew what the other man was thinking and feeling, but he never really did. He thought that his feelings were more important than Yunho's principles, always set in stone, but he never realized that principles are based on feelings as well. Jaejoong thought that being in a normal relationship, full of public displays of affection and announcements of love, would make him feel more normal. And that if Yunho would just come around and see things his way, they would be happier.

For all of these things, Jaejoong wants to apologize. Every moment of his life, he shifts between just wanting to forget, and wanting to pull himself together and apologize. Not until now has he ever realized how heart it is to ask for forgiveness, and why is that? What makes it so hard? The fear of getting a "no, I don't forgive you, I will never forgive you"? Odds are that wouldn't happen, judging by the calls that pour into his phone every weekend. Yunho isn't like that. He wouldn't go out of his way and call Jaejoong just to tell him how much he hates him. Not in a million years. But then again, maybe something has changed in Yunho since Jaejoong left; it's been years now, so how can he be sure?

But he has to admit defeat. He's not going to get over him. He won't forget, he won't ease the pain by thinking of painful memories, nor the happy ones, and nothing will become easier by filling himself to the brim with alcohol.

Admitting and accepting one's humiliation isn't easy, Jaejoong thinks as the phone starts vibrating in his hand one last time, but if there's something Yunho taught him, it's that reaching your dream and keeping it close to you is worth the pain. So he stares for another few seconds at the number he hasn't saved to his contacts - but doesn't need to, because he knows that number like the back of his hand - and lifts the phone to his ear.

"Hello?"