One Kiss

[swshawnee]

Title: One Kiss
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Weird, romance
Summary: Yunho and Jaejoong take a walk through Yunho's subconscious.
Wordcount: 8,254

A/N: This... I think I have lots to say about this, but I'm really tired so this may come out a bit... strangely. This is a songfic of Jaejoong's "One Kiss", because once again I got a request on AFF. Uhm... I had so much fun writing this, like I can't even tell you -- this may all seem really random to you all, but I assure you, everything that happens in this fic has some kind of point. Just think about it a little harder -- i realize that it must be hard to try to see them the way I do when I don't say anything straight forwardly, but just... Everything has a meaning.
Okay, that's really all I wanted to say, I guess, except for that I'm really proud of this, and I hope you'll like it!



It's the worst snowstorm Yunho can remember ever experiencing. He's knee-deep in snow, pushing his way forward mercilessly, because he is not going to be held back this time. No sir, no how. It's cold, of course, the wind bites and rips at his cheeks and his entire head hurts - it feels a little like taking too big a bite of ice cream or swallowing freezing water. He has nothing to cover his face, and neither is he wearing gloves. All he has is a thin scarf, tucked away safely underneath his coat, and it doesn't do much. Honestly, he thinks even if he was stark naked in the storm, it would feel about the same as it does now. His hands feel like they're burning up in the cold, and isn't that strange? Should he be worried? Maybe he'll have to amputate his hands or some toes once he makes it through this, but that's okay, he supposes. His hair is soaked, clinging in wet stripes to his face, and the snow seems to get in everywhere, into his pants, shoes, even his ears.

He tries not to look up too much, for several reasons: one, the snow gets in his eyes and it's hard and solid, like little diamonds, and two, it shows him how far he has left until he's come to the top of the mountain. Well, honestly, it's not so much a mountain as it is a hill, but it feels unfair to give it such a peaceful, friendly name. The hill rises at least 100 meters in the air, maybe 150, which is not enough to be called a mountain, but in this weather it definitely feels like mountain climbing, and nothing less than that. To Yunho it's a mountain, and it's his mountain.

"Yunho!" a voice calls, and Yunho is surprised he can hear the call at all through the wind. "Wait!"

Yunho's heart sinks. He doesn't need to look behind him to know that it's Jaejoong making his way up, and that's anything but good. He hurries on and does his best not to let his shoes get caught in the snow, because if they do, he'll never be able to find them again.

"Yunho, come on!" Jaejoong calls now, his voice distorted and echoing through the dark grounds. "Don't leave me here!"

Yunho shakes his head and carries on, because he's not leaving Jaejoong. No, Jaejoong is the one following him, so he only has himself to blame, right? Besides, how could Yunho just stop and wait for someone in this storm? He's sure the weather is calmer on the other side of the hill (mountain), so it would be better for them both to just get there quickly. And Jaejoong doesn't want to get to the other side, Yunho knows this for sure. He has no interest of a calmer weather. He would grab Yunho by the hand and hold him back until they both froze to death, and Yunho can't have that. Not now.

But then there's a hand on his arm and Yunho almost swallows his own tongue, because how in the world did Jaejoong catch up to him so quickly? "Yunho," Jaejoong pants out, his face and hair wet with snow, with little snowflakes quickly melting on his eyelashes. "Why didn't you wait for me?"

Yunho tries to turn around and keep making his way up the hill, but Jaejoong's grip is firm, and how that's possible, Yunho doesn't know. His hands are so frozen he can barely move his fingers anymore. Jaejoong's grip won't loosen, so he does what any sensible adult would do, and bends down, picks up a handful of snow, and tosses it with a dancer's accuracy into the other man's face.

Jaejoong lets go at once, all the while making a slight gurgling sound, and then Yunho takes off, sprinting through the snow as quick as he can (which isn't very fast, and it looks ridiculous, but what Yunho doesn't know doesn't hurt him). "Yunho, come on, don't be such a child!" Jaejoong growls from somewhere behind him. Yunho shakes his head to himself (or he would, if his neck wasn't frozen), because he's going to get to the top of that mountain no matter how he has to do it. Childishly, selfishly, fairly, he's going to get up there. He runs breathlessly, not sure where Jaejoong is anymore, because the other man's calls have died down, but with every step he takes he's sure he's going to feel that hand on him again, and it scares him.

The slope starts to level out a little, only a little, and is that Yunho's imagination or is the snow starting to subside, too? The wind still blows, yes, no doubt about it, to the extent that it hurts his eyes, but he can see a little further in front of him now. He looks over his shoulder, even though he doesn't really dare to, and he can't believe his eyes when he sees Jaejoong about 20 meters away, walking carelessly as if he was out on a simple morning walk, with his hands tucked away in his pockets. When he notices Yunho looking at him, he raises his hand and waves, and Yunho feels honestly offended. How can this be so easy for him? He blinks away something out of his eyes, snow, water, tears, whatever it is, and then he pushes his way up the last few meters standing between him and the top. He gets on his knees and buries his fingers into the snow, crawls and pulls himself the last few steps forwards,

and then he reaches the top and the storm subsides in the blink of an eye. Yunho lies on his stomach, panting, cold, watching drops of water run down his wet hair hanging in front of his face. There's still snow underneath him, and it's cold against his stomach, but he's too relieved to pay any attention to it. In front of him is a valley, a valley filled with glistening snow and lined with white trees. Somewhere in the distance, there's an ice covered river, and from the other side of it, he can hear the sounds of birds chirping. He fights to catch his breath, not sure if the temperature is suddenly warmer, or if it's just the lack of wind that suddenly makes it feel like he's been transported to a tropical country. Slowly, with his whole body aching, he gets up on his knees and stares down at the untouched snow, the untouched world that's spread out for him. He knows with certainty that he's going to have to walk on, through the snow again, but just from looking at it he can tell that this snow is crusty, and won't be a problem for him.

"Hey," Jaejoong says from behind him to catch his attention. He's almost at the top as well, only needing that one last push. Yunho gets up, takes a few steps closer to the other man, suddenly terrified that the storm is going to reappear and push him down the mountainside again, but it doesn't. So he reaches out a hand to Jaejoong, who looks absolutely crushed with tiredness, and takes his wet, slippery hand in his. "Thanks," Jaejoong pants, and then Yunho pulls him up with the last of his powers, shaking his wet hair out of his face, and then they both fall down upon the hardened snow beneath their feet.

"Well, that was a hoot," Jaejoong says between deep breaths. Yunho gives him a glare.

"You looked like you were doing fine," he says curtly.

Jaejoong raises his head somewhat and eyes Yunho skeptically. "Did I?" Yunho nods. "I guess things aren't always the way they seem, then."

"Why are you even here, Jaejoong?"

Jaejoong rolls his eyes and drags himself into a sitting position. "To get to the top, of course," he says, but he doesn't look at Yunho. "Why else would I be here?"

Yunho sits up too. "To stop me from getting up here," he says (in his mind) bravely.

"What?"

"You kept grabbing me and keeping me from moving," he bites out. "Why would you do that if you weren't trying to stop me?"

Jaejoong glares at him. "I just wanted us to go together. Is that really so strange?"

Yunho gets up. He wishes Jaejoong would go away, but since the other man doesn't seem to have any plans to do so, he'll just have to start walking down the valley and hope he won't follow. "No matter," he says, "I'm going." The sun is beaming down at him straight ahead, reflecting in the snow and hurting his eyes a little.

"Going where?" Jaejoong asks, hurrying to his feet.

Yunho takes his first step down the slope without looking back. "Onwards, where else?"

"Me, too," Jaejoong says then, hurrying to follow. "I'm going onwards, too!"

"No, you aren't."

"Yes, I am!"

Jaejoong attaches himself to Yunho's arm. The younger of the two curses his luck. "Do you have to go with me? Can't you go over there or something?" he asks, pointing to the other side of the valley.

"Why don't you want me here?"

"I just don't think you want to get there as badly as I do," Yunho explains, though it's not the whole truth. "I think you're going to slow me down."

"Hey, come on," Jaejoong protests. "You said I seemed to be doing fine earlier."

Yunho realizes the flaw in his lies, so he keeps quiet. There really isn't anything to say, anyway.

They make their way down the slope in silence, and as they walk, their hair and clothes dry in the beaming sunlight. The air is fresh in their lungs, the feeling starts to come back to their frozen limbs (their hands in particular), and Yunho discovers that he doesn't mind Jaejoong's arm being hooked with his as much as he thought he would. The older man isn't trying to hold him back or stop him from going anywhere, he just wanted to come along, Yunho realizes, and he feels both sorry and stupid.

"What are we going to do when we get there?" Jaejoong asks.

Yunho just raises an eyebrow, not sure if Jaejoong at all knows where they're going. "Enjoy it," he says simply, because he has no energy to think closer about it. He doesn't know. Doing things just to enjoy them is an as good reason as any, isn't it?

"Will we be able to?"

"Be able to what?"

Jaejoong gives a warm smile. "Enjoy it."

Yunho laughs a little. "I should hope so. It would be sad if we couldn't."

"What if this just goes on and on forever?" Jaejoong suggests, gesturing in front of them. They've made it down the hill (mountain), which was slippery despite the crust, and in front of them lies the frozen river.

"What are you talking about?" Yunho says, following Jaejoong's finger with his eyes. "It doesn't go on forever, it ends right there by the river, look."

Jaejoong squints. "Yeah, but what about the other side of the river?"

Yunho shakes his head. "Jaejoong, you worry too much. Just enjoy it, would you?"

"Maybe you've noticed, I'm not so good at enjoying things unless I know there's going to be a happy ending," Jaejoong says with a nervous laugh.

Yunho takes in the sight in front of him. The sun is already moving to set, and how is that possible? How long have they really been walking for? It feels like no more than a couple of hours at most, and maybe it's not even that much. But then again, when he was making his way through the storm, it had been nighttime, so maybe the sun works differently here, somehow. The sunset beyond the river and the glittering snow on the birches on either side of them makes him lose his breath. "How someone couldn't enjoy this, I will never understand," he says in a breath. Jaejoong tightens his hold on Yunho's arm, and suddenly he's much closer than before. His body is warm even through both of their jackets.

"Temporary happiness just isn't my thing," Jaejoong mumbles. "This is all very beautiful, the sunset, the ice, but what about when the sun has long since set, and it's dark, and we can't see all these beautiful things? What then?"

"Then we'll find something else to be happy about," Yunho says simply.

"Is it really that easy?"

Yunho shrugs. "Works for me. Besides, we'll always have each other, won't we?"

Jaejoong turns to him with a smile that outshines the sunset by far. "If you say so."

Yunho chuckles, instantly feeling happier than he has in years. It's probably because of where he is, he guesses, because he doesn't want to admit that that bright smile just changed his entire life. "I'm sorry for throwing snow at you earlier," he says. If there is such a thing as mental blushing, then that's what he's doing now.

Jaejoong's smile turns mischievous. "Snow hurts when it gets in your eyes, you know."

"I know," Yunho laughs, "I'm sorry. I just didn't want you to pull me back."

The distance between the trees start becoming narrower and narrower: the river is right in front of them. The sound of birdsong is getting stronger, sweet and fragile and just perfect. "Ah, Yunho, you're so silly," Jaejoong says and stops in his tracks. Yunho takes another few steps, but then he turns around, giving Jaejoong a questioning glance. The sun is setting in the horizon; its rays of light can't reach them anymore. Jaejoong takes a fearless breath. "You know, I love you." He says the words as if they don't embarrass him at all, as if he's just asking about the weather or telling him what's for dinner, but it warms Yunho through his very core.

"I love you, too," he replies, and he realizes as he says the words that it's true. He widens his eyes at Jaejoong in surprise, because how long has he loved Jaejoong for? Isn't that something one is usually pretty aware of?

"I know," Jaejoong smiles, "you always have," as if he could read his thoughts.

Yunho feels as though the ground beneath him is moving. "Why didn't you tell me so?"

Jaejoong walks backwards towards the river. "You didn't want to know," he says seriously when he is just one step away from the ice, and Yunho instinctively reaches out a hand to stop him, even though they're meters apart by now.

"That looks really dangerous," he comments, and Jaejoong looks at the ice over his shoulder.

"Seems okay to me," he says with a shrug. "Come on." He holds out his hand towards Yunho, who remains where he is, hesitating and wishing the sun would rise again. None of this feels safe. "Come on, Yunho," Jaejoong pleads, "are you really going to waste time being insecure and jumping to conclusions again?" Yunho gives him a confused look. "It's not going to break. And we won't know until we try, am I right? If it breaks, we go down together, and if it holds, we'll walk together. That's the most important thing, like you said."

Yunho sighs, but does as he's told and walks up to Jaejoong, because he hates it when the older man uses his own words against him. He can't argue with himself: he always loses. "Okay," he says reluctantly, "but I'll go first."

"As you please," Jaejoong smiles. Yunho looks around at the trees around him; they all feel deceitful and grey and dead in the darkness that's falling over them. Not to mention the ice! It's so dark it makes Yunho think that what's floating underneath it isn't water, but ink. Ink or oil or maybe even blood. How much can a layer of ice conceal? He swallows all these fears and takes the first, careful step out on the slippery surface, and immediately he notices that the world is somewhat askew, that it's tilted and he's gliding ever so slightly towards the left.

"This isn't right," he says to Jaejoong, but the other man jumps down beside him without a care in the world. "Jaejoong, I think something's wrong."

"What are you on about?" Jaejoong asks, pretending his shoes are skates and gliding forward with his arms stretched out. "This is amazing, Yunho!"

"Jaejoong, we are supposed to cross this thing, not slide along it!" Yunho calls, almost in desperation, because the other man seems to have lost his mind if he ever had one, and Yunho himself can't seem to stop sliding towards the left. "Jaejoong!"

"Yes, yes, I hear you," Jaejoong says, turning around and skating his way back towards him. "Don't be so scared, try to live a little. It's really fun." Yunho lets out a sigh of relief when Jaejoong comes back, and he wobbles, trying to keep himself standing, but oh god this tilt is really not doing anything for his balance. Jaejoong eyes him incredulously. "What are you doing?"

"Can't you feel that?" Yunho asks helplessly, but judging by the way Jaejoong is just standing on his two feet, staring at Yunho like he's insane, he can't.

"Feel what?"

"Never mind," Yunho chokes out. "Can I hold on to you?"

Jaejoong laughs, and for a second Yunho is scared. "I thought we had already established that," Jaejoong says, holding out his hand. "I am yours to hold on to for however long you want or need to."

Yunho latches onto Jaejoong's arm, much like the other man had earlier, but Jaejoong pulls it out of his grip and wraps it around his shoulders instead. "Thanks," Yunho mumbles. The temperature is going up, Yunho realizes, and fast. Small beads of sweat are with no doubt appearing on his forehead, and suddenly his coat is starting to feel incredibly warm. Having Jaejoong wrapped around him doesn't exactly help, but he loves it too much to say anything.

Halfway across the river - there's probably about fifty meters left until they've come to the other side - Yunho realizes the world has straightened itself out again, and walking is not a problem. "Hey," he says, "I think it's okay now. I think I can walk."

"Oh, okay," Jaejoong says, loosening his hold, but not letting go completely. "Does that mean I can't hold you anymore?"

Yunho turns his head to the left and looks into Jaejoong's dark, beautiful eyes. "No," he whispers.

Jaejoong smiles again, and Yunho's life changes direction once more. "Good," Jaejoong says and meets Yunho's eyes with a stable gaze that makes Yunho feel so safe, so loved, vulnerable, powerful and protected and all at the same time, and the feelings shift into bursts of colorful fireworks inside his mind.

Yunho grabs Jaejoong's shoulders and kisses him hard on the lips. Jaejoong seems surprised for a second, but then he draws a warm breath through his nose and kisses back, wrapping his arms securely around Yunho's waist. Yunho feels a shiver of pleasure go down his spine as the older man runs his tongue along his bottom lip, and he meets his tongue halfway, with Jaejoong moaning slightly into the kiss. Yunho's hands find the collar of Jaejoong's jacket, and he pulls on it harshly, pressing their lips even harder together, Jaejoong gasps and Yunho feels like he will never get tired of that sound.

They pull back, and Jaejoong's lips are swollen and red. Yunho suspects he looks the same, but he can't spend too much energy on thinking about that, because Jaejoong's lips are more kissable than they have ever been.

"Took you long enough," Jaejoong says with a grin that reaches all the way to his eyes.

Yunho lets his hand travel down to Jaejoong's waist, and he stuffs his hands into the other man's jacket pockets. "If you were so impatient, why didn't you just kiss me first?"

"Oh, please," Jaejoong says, shaking his bangs away from his eyes, "as if there wouldn't have been a Yunho-shaped hole in the ice there if I had." He nods to their feet, and Yunho looks down, unable to keep from laughing.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right." He withdraws his hands from Jaejoong's pockets, mostly because it's getting too warm.

"The important thing is that we don't waste any more time, don't you think?" The older of the two says with a wide, mischievous smile that has Yunho week in the knees. He nods, unable to speak, and Jaejoong takes his hand in his, and they start walking carefully towards the other side of the river again.

"Definitely."

Jaejoong looks around after a few moments, and Yunho watches him in curiosity. "It's starting to get really warm, do you feel that?" Jaejoong asks, and Yunho nods again.

"Yeah."

"Almost like a summer day." Jaejoong lets go of his hand, and somewhere close by, Yunho can hear the sound of water running. The birdsong is gone, and darkness now lays thick around them.

"Yeah..." Somewhere in his mind, a small voice tells him that ice probably doesn't hold very well on a summer day. He looks down, and though the ice seems as thick as ever, fear starts rising in his chest, and then Jaejoong starts skating ahead of him with a laugh. "Jaejoong," he protests, the fear growing quicker than he had thought possible. "Get back here!"

Jaejoong removes his jacket from his shoulders and throws it up in the air. "I'm just so happy right now," he laughs. The jacket lands on the ice between them, and Yunho stares at it in irritation.

"Now you're going to get that wet," he says, and he slides over and picks it up off the ground.

But Jaejoong doesn't seem to have heard him, because he's five, ten, fifteen meters away, almost on the grass on the other side (grass? There's no snow on the other side, Yunho realizes), and the fear is now unbearable. "Jaejoong!" he calls, "you said I could go first!"

Jaejoong stops, and then there's a loud, drawn-out crack that sounds like a large branch being broken off a tree. Yunho loses his breath. "Don't move!" he yells, and the sound comes back, starting from where Jaejoong is standing, so far over there, and it works its way towards Yunho, and he imagines it like a lightning in the water. What if the current is really strong under the ice? Yunho thinks. What if Jaejoong falls through and gets dragged away and won't be able to break the ice from underneath it, and he'll just get dragged further and further until all the air is gone from his lungs and his heart stops beating, frozen, and Yunho will never be able to find him? "Whatever you do, don't move!" he yells, louder this time. Jaejoong's face is hard to make out in the darkness, but if the normally fearless man isn't scared now, then there's definitely something wrong with him.

"So what do I do, if I don't move?" Jaejoong calls back. He sounds calm, or tries to sound calm, but he's not, and Yunho can tell from the slight quiver in his voice. "I can't stay here all day." Ah, poor Jaejoong, Yunho thinks, always so concerned about Yunho and Yunho's fear, never expressing his own nightmares.

"You stay there," Yunho says. "I'm coming to get you."

"Are you nuts? If this ice doesn't hold for me alone, how is it going to hold for both of us?" Jaejoong shouts, and Yunho has never been so angry or terrified with Jaejoong's constant need to protect him. "I'll just keep going, there are only a few meters left, I could-"

"NO!" Yunho screams loud enough for the words to rip at his throat. Jaejoong's silhouette, that was just about to start moving, stills again. "I'm coming to get you. If it breaks, we go down together, isn't that what you said?"

"Screw what I said," Jaejoong says, and apparently he is one of those people that can argue with himself and win. "I don't want you to die even if I do, Yunho." But Yunho starts taking careful baby steps towards Jaejoong, terrified out of his mind that he will break through and drown. But he keeps going because he can only imagine one thing worse than being trapped underneath the ice, unable to breathe, and that's Jaejoong meeting the same fate.

"I'm not joking, Jaejoong," he says, hearing how his own voice is shaking, but not caring. "Even if you try to go alone and break through, I will still go to you, and then I'll die too. So you might as well just wait for me."

"Fine, fine," Jaejoong resigns. "You know, you really are very stubborn."

Yunho grits his teeth and keeps walking, getting slowly but steadily closer and closer, trying to catch any sound of ice breaking. "Shut up, Jaejoong," he bites out, terrified out of his mind.

"Do you really want that to be your last words to me if you we die?" Jaejoong says dramatically. "I'm not sure how God is going to feel about that when we get to heaven."

"If God can handle the two of us being gay, then I'm sure he won't mind some profanity," Yunho replies through gritted teeth. "Now be quiet." He's only a few meters away now, his steps so small that he's sure he most look like a total idiot where he stands, but it seems to be working; the ice is still holding, so that's what he's going to keep doing. He reaches out a hand as he closes in to Jaejoong; he doesn't want the two of them standing too closely together if the ice is so thin. Jaejoong, he realizes, doesn't look afraid at all, and somehow it makes him even more terrified. "Take my hand," he mumbles, and Jaejoong does as he's told. Yunho takes a step back, dragging Jaejoong along with him, and instantly there's another dark rumble beneath them. "Lift your feet when you walk," Yunho says. "Don't slide. Walk." Jaejoong does so, lifts his feet and takes a tiny step, carefully setting down his foot on top of the ice, and oh god, Yunho realizes, there's not even any snow on the river. How could they have been so stupid as to get into this? But now there's no more cracking, no more horrible noises from somewhere below them, and Yunho backs away further, further and further, still with Jaejoong's jacket in his one hand, and then Jaejoong takes a quick few steps and ends up in Yunho's embrace, and they stand there on the river, both panting and Yunho close to tears.

"That's why I said I should go first," Yunho says, holding Jaejoong as close as he possibly can while relief floods him.

"Why? So you could die and I could be the one to freak out?" Jaejoong asks in a breathy laugh. It tickles Yunho's neck.

"Yes," Yunho replies, hugging the other man even closer. "I would definitely have preferred that."

They pull back, and Jaejoong wipes a tear that has escaped Yunho's eye. They look around for a moment, listening to the sound of water and wondering when exactly the sun is going to rise again. "So what now?" Jaejoong asks eventually. "Do we go back, or..?"

"No," Yunho says instantly, "I didn't come all this way just to go back." Jaejoong looks like he's about to argue, so he hurries on, "the sound of water is coming from that way, right?" He points to his left. Jaejoong nods. "And the temperature was lower over there, right?" Now to his right. Jaejoong nods again. "So we go over there and try to cross the river somewhere colder. How about that?"

"I don't know, Yunho."

"You said you wanted to come along," Yunho says, suddenly scared that Jaejoong is going to turn back alone.

"Yeah, but I don't want us to die while doing it," Jaejoong says with a slight glare. "And I definitely don't want to die while I don't even know where I'm going."

"We're not going to die," Yunho says reassuringly. "Look, once we've made it past the river it's all going to be fine. There's not even any snow on the other side, do you see?" He points, Jaejoong looks over his shoulder and nods, but the look on his face is still dejected. "We're going to be fine."

Jaejoong looks at him with pursed lips, but eventually he nods. "Okay."

"Okay?" Yunho repeats. Jaejoong nods again, and Yunho hands him his jacket. "It's going to get colder now."

A smile breaks through Jaejoong's cold expression as he puts his jacket back on. "Does that mean I get to hold you?"

Yunho throws his head back and laughs. "I thought we had established this. I'm yours to hold on to for however long you want or need to."

Once they're on the other side, they sit down on the grass, happy to find that it's dry. The temperature is rising again, even though they went back into the cold, but Yunho really can't bring himself to mind that much.

"Should we go to sleep?" Jaejoong asks after a few moments of silence. "Since it's so dark, maybe it isn't such a good idea to keep walking."

Yunho considers his words. With the episode on the river, it doesn't seem like such a bad idea to rest; his legs feel wobbly and weak. But then he looks back over the ice, past the trees and traces the mountain with his eyes, and he sees the first, orange rays of sunlight. "Look," he says, pointing.

"What?" Jaejoong say, looking but apparently not seeing.

"The sun is rising," Yunho tells him. "It will probably be up soon." The sky starts shifting in pink, yellow, purple and blue, and relief floods Yunho's mind. The first chirping of a bird is heard from somewhere in the trees beside them.

"Don't you want to rest?" Jaejoong asks, inching closer to Yunho.

The younger man shakes his head. "I'll rest when I get there."

"Oh. Okay."

Yunho gets up, brushes off his knees and it never once crosses his mind to ask Jaejoong if he's tired. "Shall we go?" he suggests, holding out his hand.

Jaejoong takes it and lets Yunho help him up. "As you go, so goes my nation," he says with a half-hearted smile.

Yunho brushes off Jaejoong's knees too, and then they set off. Yunho soon discovers that the grass is growing on a base of stone. How that's at all possible, he doesn't know, but he stops thinking about when they round a small byland that sticks out into the river. When they get to its other side, the sun is beaming down behind them, and the river isn't a river at all, but an ocean. They stop for a moment, staring out at the clear, blue water. It's breathtaking, Yunho thinks, so he takes Jaejoong's hand in his, trying to somehow convey his feelings. Jaejoong tears his gaze away from the water and gives Yunho a warm smile.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Yunho says carefully.

"It's everything," Jaejoong replies. Yunho doesn't know exactly what that means, but it rings true to him. "Maybe we should stay here."

Yunho sees the first cloud drift towards them from the horizon. "No, Jaejoong. I told you I want to get where we're going."

Jaejoong turns his body towards Jaejoong, grabbing Yunho's other hand, too. "I'm only saying," he reasons, "that this place is perfect. I don't understand why we should go chasing something that's probably not going to be as good as this."

"You mean as beautiful as this," Yunho corrects him. Because that's all he can see in this place - beauty. And he wants more than that.

"We won't find anywhere as warm as this place, either." Jaejoong pulls at the collar of his jacket. "Honestly, it's a bit too warm already."

Yunho lets go of the older man's hands and carefully removes the jacket from his shoulders. The look in Jaejoong's eyes is grateful, relieved and dark, and the jacket falls to the ground. "So maybe we'll find somewhere that's as beautiful as this, but not as warm," Yunho says. "And that place will be perfect."

Jaejoong starts unbuttoning Yunho's coat. "Are we talking perfect for you, or perfect for us?"

"For us, of course," Yunho replies with a twinge in his heart. What does Jaejoong think of him? "If it's not perfect for you, then it's not perfect for me."

Jaejoong works on the last button, positioned right below Yunho's crotch. "I hope you know what you mean when you say that," he says sadly.

"Jaejoong, you are perfect to me." Yunho says it with so much hurt over the fact that Jaejoong would doubt him. "I just want to give you something perfect back."

"Am I still perfect to you when I'm unhappy?"

With the help of Jaejoong's slim hands, Yunho's coat slides down over his shoulders. "What?"

"When you find your place and feel complete," Jaejoong clarifies, "and I still feel lost. Will you still find me perfect then?"

Yunho's coat falls to the ground, and he takes a breath, deep and warm and refreshing. "What are you talking about?"

"Answer the question."

"Yes, I will still find you perfect."

Jaejoong sighs. "Okay, let me rephrase. Don't just answer the question, but think about the question."

"I don't even know what to think," Yunho says, letting his hands find Jaejoong's ribs that are all too visible even through his grey shirt, "because you're confusing me."

"I hope you won't ever leave me," Jaejoong says bluntly, "even if it takes me a hundred years to find my home."

Yunho pulls the other man closer. "What is this?" he asks. His hands stroke Jaejoong's back. "You know I will always have a home for you. And I will never… never leave you."

Jaejoong slides his arms in the small gap between Yunho's arms and sides. "What if I told you now I was turning back? Or staying here?" he asks. Yunho opens his mouth to reassure him, but then he realizes that Jaejoong is right. If Jaejoong turned back now, Yunho wouldn't go back with him. Not in a million years. No, he would keep going until he gets where he's going... and the thought is so horrible to him that he has to look away from Jaejoong's sincere gaze. He reassures himself by thinking that at least his heart would shatter into a million pieces, and he hopes that that's worth something somehow. "That's what I thought," Jaejoong says, and plants a single, cold kiss on Yunho's neck. Then he pulls out of Yunho's embrace, leaving the younger speechless. "Luckily for us, I'm not planning to go back. So should we get going?" he asks, turning around but giving Yunho an expectant look over his shoulder.

Yunho nods, the shame spiraling deeper and deeper within him. Jaejoong wants to go back and no lie can ever hide that truth on his face, but unlike Yunho Jaejoong understands how to love and how to sacrifice. Jaejoong would give up on his wishes for him, so why is it so hard for him to do the same?

Yunho runs up to the other man, taking his hand again and swearing to himself that at some point, he's going to be better at loving. He's going to be honest and caring and selfless, and he's going to learn how to lie and when to lie and when not to, because honesty is important, sure, but maybe the truths that should be hidden are the really crucial ones. "I love you, Jaejoong," he says, because that's the first step - you can't love if there is no love. And he does have love. He knows that much.

"Keep that up," Jaejoong says with a smile, squeezing Yunho's hand tightly, "because things are about to get difficult." Yunho stares at him in confusion, but then he nods ahead and Yunho looks. In front of them is another slope, grassy and uneven, and though it's not that high, it's steep as a ravine. The closer to the top that they look, the more the stone seems to peek through the grass, and further away the rocks are molded into high cliffs, with waves of the ocean pounding onto its side.

"It's not a problem for us," Yunho says confidently, because he is going to get through this. They are, he corrects himself.

"It's so hot," Jaejoong says, pulling at the collar of his shirt. There's already a drop of sweat making its way down the side of his face.

Yunho starts walking ahead, pulling encouragingly on Jaejoong's hand. "Come on," he says, "we're almost there." Even just the sound of the waves feels cleansing to his mind; maybe there's a place they can wash themselves somewhere close?

Jaejoong follows obediently. "I hope you're right," he says, and there's genuine fear in his voice. Yunho makes a vow to himself: this is the last time he's going to drag Jaejoong along just to get what he wants.

There's no place for them to rest. There's no place for them to wash themselves. They get to the top of the cliff only to notice that there's another one, and another one, like a spiral staircase that leads them further and further up in the air while the temperature rises, and rises, and rises some more. Eventually they find themselves on the top of an endless mountain chain, one among many. As they walk together, they see mountain tops all around them; some snow-covered, some bare, and some covered with grass like their own. The sun still beams, and it seems like it still shines from the same direction as when it first rose this morning, so maybe it's not going to go down for a long time. The thought should fill Yunho with hope, but it doesn't - because it's too warm.

While Yunho is somewhat alright with the sweat that pours down his face in streams, Jaejoong is anything but alright. He lags behind and Yunho does his best to be patient and wait for him to catch his breath, and sometimes he even falls down to his knees. Yunho doesn't know - is Jaejoong overly sensitive to the heat, or is Yunho himself too numb to feel it properly? And despite how his breath is ragged and hurts his throat, he can't help but feel awed by the beauty of the mountains. Wherever they are, he loves the sight of the tops in all their snow, and the way birds occasionally dive into the deep valleys below makes his heart race and skip beats every now and again.

But then he looks down and realizes Jaejoong is standing on all fours, panting heavily, his fingers fighting to cut into the stone ground. "Come on, Jaejoong," he pleads, crouching down next to him. "You can do this." Somewhere far below, there's still the sound of the waves, but it's not enough to give them any hope of water anymore. "I promise you we'll be there soon."

"How do you know that?" Jaejoong gasps out. "It could still be days away. I can't walk any further in this heat, I just can't. I'm going to die."

"You're not going to die," Yunho tries. "It's just the sun, and it's not that bad. I'm perfectly fine."

Jaejoong grits his teeth and shakes his head. "That's just what you think," he breathes, and finally shifts into a sitting position. "Look at you. The sweat is just pouring down your face."

Yunho wipes his forehead with the back of his hand. "But I feel okay."

"I don't," Jaejoong says. He's finally catching his breath again. "Yunho, let's go back. I can't do this."

Yunho stands up and forgets every thought he's ever had about love. "No. We can't go back."

"Why not?" Jaejoong pleads.

Yunho wants to reply, he really does, but there's no logical answer. He wants to keep going, he wants to finally get to their destination, and he does not want to have to justify or explain himself to anyone. Especially not Jaejoong, who should always understand and accept him no matter what. "I thought you understood how important this is for me," he tries.

"I do," Jaejoong agrees. "Because you are important to me. And I'm trying, Yunho, I'm trying so hard to keep up, but this is just too hard. I'm warning you now, I feel like walking on is going to kill me." Yunho stares down at him in desperation. "So are you willing to make that sacrifice?"

"But it's just..." Yunho looks over his shoulder and sees the top of their mountain, and he pretends like he can't see the adjoining hill, the one they'll have to climb next. "It's just up there, don't you see it? We're so close to the top, Jaejoong!"

Jaejoong stands up, sways, loses his balance, steadies and stares at Yunho with the most intense look he's ever seen in the other man's eyes. "Please, don't lie to me. I'm not blind, Yunho."

"Aren't you?!" Yunho yells, feeling so helpless now. "I thought you knew what you were getting yourself into when you chased the top of the mountain in that storm with me! You said you wanted to get to the top, and now here we are!"

"I lied!" Jaejoong yells back. "I wasn't chasing the top, I was chasing you." A cool wind blows between them. It disappears quickly, but it's enough to soothe their minds for a while. "I was chasing you, but I didn't want you to know. This is just the direction you were going, so here I am."

"But I..." Yunho tries, though he doesn't really know what he's trying to say.

"I thought if I helped you get where you were going, maybe I could be the most important thing to you someday. Once you'd found yourself a home." Jaejoong takes the few steps separating the two. "And maybe that could still happen if I wasn't so weak. But I am, and I can't do this, Yunho."

"If you could just, please, come with me just up to there," Yunho begs, pointing to the top that's only about forty meters away. "Just take it one step at a time, and we'll be there quickly. I promise you."

Jaejoong shakes his head. "I wish you'd listen to what I'm saying to you. But of course you don't. Why would you? I obviously don't matter to you the way I thought I did."

Yunho realizes with a start the sun is moving. It's not going down, but it's definitely moving across the sky, and that means this day isn't endless anymore. "Just because the journey matters to me more, doesn't mean you don't matter at all," he says, and suddenly he thinks maybe he's crying. Is it tears or sweat running down his cheeks? Maybe both, maybe neither. "I do love you, Jaejoong. So please. Please, just come with me up to there. That's all I'm asking."

Jaejoong's eyes follow a flock of birds in the middle of a breathtaking dive down the mountain, and his expression tells of pure disappointment. "Fine," he agrees at last, "but then I'm going back. It was stupid of me to chase someone who doesn't want to be caught."

And with definite tears in his eyes now, Yunho can't tell him how much he wishes to be caught. How much he wants Jaejoong to pull him back, hold him down with force and tell him to get a grip and stop this endless chase of something that could be out there somewhere. But Jaejoong never will, because Jaejoong wants him to be happy, regardless of the role he has to play in Yunho's life. "Let's go," he says, holding his arm out for Jaejoong to hook with his, and then they walk under the beaming sun. Yunho hopes will all his heart that maybe if they just get moving, Jaejoong will see that it's not so bad, and he will change his mind. But this is selfish, this is something a spoiled child would think, and above all this is unrealistic.

"I don't want to lose you," Yunho says as they walk. Jaejoong's breathing has started to become ragged again after only a few meters.

Jaejoong shakes his head. "Until we find our way back to each other, I will always be yours. Do I even need to say it?"

Yunho nods, furious tears dwell in his eyes and won't fall. "Yes. Because the moment you disappear, I will start thinking you don't love me anymore."

"You're being silly again," Jaejoong says, wiping his forehead. "Just because I'm not near you, doesn't mean I disappear. And as long as I am breathing, I'm thinking of you."

Yunho squeezes his hand. He doesn't understand why this world has blessed him with Jaejoong, who loves him so perfectly and selflessly, from the very start until the approaching end, while Yunho himself can't do anything to repay him. Why? Why couldn't Jaejoong have fallen in love with someone who's a good person, who has an equal amount of love and selflessness to give back?

His steps are heavy now, and Jaejoong is starting to lag behind again, but he pulls mercilessly on his hand, not giving the other man any time to collapse again. And eventually they reach the top, a platform of stone that's completely emptied of grass. Jaejoong falls to his knees at once, while Yunho remains standing, looking down into the shadows of the mountains. It's so deep that he can't see the bottom anymore, and now the sun is gleaming from the west - it's about to go down. Darkness is going to be here soon, Yunho suspects, and Jaejoong won't be here by then. It will be dark, and they will both be alone.

Jaejoong crawls towards the edge of the cliff. "I'm going to jump," he states.

"Jaejoong, if you have to go, just walk back down."

Jaejoong sits up and gives Yunho a sly grin. "You know falling is the fastest way down."

Yunho shakes his head in exasperation. "Why are you in such a hurry? You don't even know what's down there." He sits down, dangling his feet over the edge. They're high up, yes, so high up it should be hard to breathe, but he doesn't feel scared. Jaejoong stands up, and they freeze in their spots, both listening intently to get a clue as to what is down there.

There's the sound of a crowd cheering.

"You're right," Jaejoong says. "I don't know what's down there. But I know it won't be a mountain, and that's all I ask for right now."

Yunho glares at him and wants to tell him how immensely stupid that train of thought is, because no, Jaejoong doesn't like climbing - alright, but does he like drowning any more? But he says nothing, because Jaejoong isn't going to listen anyway. Not anymore. Jaejoong has realized that with Yunho, he's going to give and give and get nothing back, and he also knows he deserves more than that.

"Jump with me, Yunho," Jaejoong says then, placing a hand on Yunho's shoulder. "Maybe we'll find the perfect place back on the ground."

The offer is made out of separation anxiety, and it makes Yunho smile. He knows Jaejoong has no hope of getting Yunho to come with him, but that he's willing to waste his breath on even uttering the words means a lot to him. He puts his hand on top of Jaejoong's on his shoulder. "I thought you were perfect because you were mine," he says thoughtfully.

"I'm still yours," Jaejoong corrects him.

"Yes, but that's not why you're perfect."

"Isn't it?"

"No. Though I have to admit it's a big plus," Yunho says, and they laugh. Though it's a silent sound, it echoes beneath them, blends into the weak sound of the crowd, and it puts something inside Yunho to rest. "Be happy, Jaejoong," he says, truly wishing he could make the words come true. "Otherwise there will always be something missing from your perfection."

Jaejoong removes his hand from his shoulder. "I'll try." Yunho doesn't look up, because he knows the end is here. "I'm going," Jaejoong says, confirming his fears, and Yunho accepts it to the best of his abilities.

"I'll miss you," Yunho says, aware that Jaejoong is no longer by his side. He holds his breath, and then Jaejoong sprints past him and jumps, spreading his arms out as though they were wings, and soars headfirst down into the shadows of the unknown, down, down, and the drop makes Yunho's stomach churn. He follows the man he loves (unconditionally, forever, selflessly) with his eyes until he's engulfed in shadows, gone, moved on, hopefully towards something better.

It takes a few moments for it to sink in: he's gone. Everything will change.

And Yunho remains there in the heat, with his feet dangling off the edge as he watches the sun set.

Hopefully it will rise again someday.