fic: When It Comes to You (It's All A Little Different)
Title: When It Comes to You (It's All A Little Different) - 6/?
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Sam/Sebastian
Warnings: mpreg
Words: ~6,500 this chapter (~33,300 so far)
Summary: Kurt found out that even though Sam is in Lima with the rest of the Glee club, he's still running off to Kentucky some weekends to strip. Kurt and Blaine devise a plan with Sebastian's help to give Sam the money he needs and to keep him from going back to stripping. From there, it all spirals way out of control.
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As it turned out, parenting wasn’t nearly as easy as Sebastian expected it to be. On the contrary, he was still always tired, even though he’d had Maddie, and he was just as irritable, too. She slept, but not nearly enough: not through the night and not even long enough for Sebastian to get a satisfying nap in the daytime. To say that his sleep schedule had been completely fucked up would be an understatement, and he was doing it all on his own. His tutor was giving him a few weeks off so he could get into the swing of things with Maddie, but Sebastian would skeptical that would ever happen. He had to bite his tongue to keep from yelling at her, and more than once, he’d cried himself to sleep in stress and exhaustion.
Sebastian was torn between completely resenting Sam and being envious of him. The two hadn’t spoken since Maddie was born, and Sebastian tried his best to remain indifferent. Blaine hadn’t called him yet either, which didn’t surprise Sebastian at all. He was trying desperately to make his long distance relationship work, and on top of that, he had no idea that Maddie was born anyway.
By the time Blaine called, it was Maddie’s due date and she was already three weeks old. “Hello?” Sebastian asked, wandering across the apartment quickly since he’d just put her down to sleep.
“Hey, Sebastian!” Blaine said; he was far more chipper than Sebastian was prepared for.
“What do you want?” Sebastian asked, though the hatred in his voice that was usually there happened to be absent that afternoon.
“Well…” Blaine began. “I wanted to see how you were feeling. Her due date is today.”
“I know,” Sebastian nodded. “She’s here.”
The line was silent and Blaine seemed to have to think about it for a minute before he asked, “Wh-what?”
“I had her like three weeks ago.”
“And you didn’t think to call me!?” Blaine cried out, the hurt evident in his voice.
Sebastian sighed and rolled his eyes, and he shot, “No, I didn’t, because I’ve been dealing with a ton of shit right now. She never sleeps and she’s always crying and I’m still in pain and Sam just fucking…”
Sebastian stopped right there and sat down on the couch, dipping his head to run his hand through his hair. “Wait… Sam just fucking what, Sebastian?” Blaine asked softly.
“Nothing.”
Blaine frowned and thought about the bad things that could happen by pressing the issue, but he really needed to know. “What happened with Sam?” he tried again.
“He left. Right there in the fucking hospital. Right after he saw her. So I’d rather not talk about him, okay? It’s me and Maddie and that’s it. She’s sleeping right now but I guess if you feel like coming over after school I can’t stop you.”
That was as much of an invitation as Blaine was going to get from Sebastian, and they both knew it. So, Blaine did exactly as Sebastian said he could, and he showed up at Sebastian’s apartment that afternoon. He wanted to know more about what happened with Sam, but the instant he saw Sebastian smiling down at Maddie as he changed her diaper in the living room, the questions left his mind. Blaine was glad Sebastian had chosen to keep her, because the way the two of them interacted was so natural and beautiful. “You’re a great father,” Blaine commented as he walked inside.
Sebastian turned to look up at Blaine, his smile fading, but he nodded and accepted the compliment, because he had to keep telling himself the exact same thing if he wanted to keep his patience with Maddie when it was too difficult for him. “She’s in a good mood,” Sebastian commented as he picked her up from where she was laying on the sofa. “You can hold her if you want.”
Blaine’s smile broke out into a wide grin, and he nodded as he said, “Okay.”
Blaine would be the first person besides Sebastian that would get to hold Maddie, and it was a bit scary for Sebastian. Gently, he rested her in Blaine’s arms, and watched from a close distance to be sure that she was okay. Blaine seemed to be good with her, though, because she was smiling up at him almost instantly. Blaine reached down with his other hand so she could hold his finger, and he tickled her tummy to get her to smile a little bit before he said, “You’re so lucky, Sebastian. She’s beautiful.”
Sebastian nodded, because she really was. Sometimes he didn’t feel lucky, more like he was cursed, but most of the time being with Maddie did exactly as Blaine suspected it would: it made him feel loved and a little less alone. Blaine leaned back on the sofa and relaxed as Maddie slowly dozed off in his arms, and he looked up at Sebastian, who seemed less like himself. “You look tired,” Blaine commented.
That only warranted a roll of the eyes, because Sebastian knew damn well how he looked. He looked as he felt, and in that moment he felt like shit. “You can call me to babysit if you need a break,” Blaine offered kindly. “I mean… we’re friends, and I said I’d help, and… I’d really like to help.”
Sebastian glanced up at Blaine, almost surprised by the suggestion. With how much time Blaine had been spending with Kurt all of a sudden, even just over the phone, he hadn’t expected any sort of offer for anything. Sebastian just nodded and said, “Yeah, I need it.”
Blaine frowned, and he turned to Sebastian and asked gently, “What happened with Sam?”
“I told you.”
Sebastian snapped almost instantly and it hurt a little to hear the pain in his voice and to see the way he was hurting. Blaine didn’t press it any further, but he knew there was more to the story. That evening after he’d made dinner for Sebastian and put Maddie to bed as she napped, Blaine left, and on his way home, he called Sam. “Hello?” Sam asked in confusion.
“We need to talk,” Blaine told him simply. “Are you at Burt and Carole’s?”
Sam sighed, but told him the truth, “Yeah.”
He’d spent a full week with his parents, just talking to them and trying to figure out what to do and how to handle it all, and while it was helpful, it still hurt going back to Lima. It killed Sam knowing that just one town over, Sebastian sat with their baby, playing with her and getting to know her, while Sam was alone. He was up in his room at Burt and Carole’s when Blaine showed up, and they let Blaine go right upstairs. “Hey,” Blaine said from the doorway.
Sam glanced up but didn’t reply, because he already knew why Blaine was there. He’d been rehearsing the right thing to say to keep himself from sounding as horrible as he was sure Sebastian made him sound, but it was hard because Sam hated himself for what he’d done. Blaine wandered in and shut the door, taking a seat at the end of Sam’s bed once he was inside. “I hear congratulations are in order,” Blaine commented offhandedly.
Those words seemed to hit Sam hard, and he turned away in frustration and sadness, his arms wrapped tightly in front of him as if to protect himself from more reminders of Maddie’s birth and his distance from her. “Hey, no, I really mean it…” Blaine said softly, scooting closer to Sam where he sat on his bed. “Is everything okay? I don’t really know what happened. Sebastian won’t talk about it.”
“Well… she was born early, and… he blamed himself for it. He sat there hating himself, so unhappy on a day when he should be so excited and happy, you know?” Sam began quietly, avoiding eye contact with Blaine. “So… I told him that instead of hating himself because his body was rejecting the parts and they needed to get her out early… I told him he should hate me. You know, because I got him pregnant or whatever. And… he agreed so quickly. He was so happy to agree that it hurt. It hurt so bad, because… he doesn’t realize how I feel and it sucks, dude.”
“How do you feel?” Blaine asked curiously, his words slow and hesitant.
Sam just sighed and he shrugged, “I can’t stop thinking about him. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him since he walked into Stallionz that night.”
Blaine took a moment to let the words settle before he suggested, “Well… I mean, birth is a scary thing. I’m sure he was just caught up in it.”
“He won’t talk to me. I tried calling and texting and nothing.”
It didn’t surprise Blaine, the way Sebastian was so abruptly shutting Sam out and refusing to give him another chance. “I’ll tell you what,” Blaine began, scooting closer to Sam to rub his back and try to get him to relax and think about what he was about to suggest. “How about you write him a letter? Say everything on your mind and explain exactly how you feel, and then I’ll deliver it to him. I’ll make him read it, and… I can’t promise anything, but it’s a start, you know?”
Sam looked up at Blaine for the first time since he’d arrived, his eyes glassy and full of emotion as he asked, “Y-you’d really do that for me?”
Blaine nodded and smiled softly. “Of course I would,” Blaine insisted. “We’re friends. I look out for my friends. And… you two deserve a chance at something real just like the rest of us. Sebastian’s just stubborn.”
“You can say that again,” Sam said with a forced laugh and a roll of the eyes.
Blaine laughed a little at that, and then he suggested, “Whenever you’re ready, write the letter. Bring it to me and I’ll make sure Sebastian reads it, okay?”
Sam nodded and looked over at Blaine gratefully. “You’re really awesome, dude. Thanks.”
Blaine smiled in return and said, “And don’t beat yourself up over this, okay? I completely understand why you did what you did. Sometimes Sebastian doesn’t realize the effect his actions have on other people.”
“Yeah,” Sam nodded slowly. “Thanks again.”
“No problem,” Blaine smiled, patting Sam’s back one last time before he stood up. “I have to get home, but I’ll see you at school tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay, “Sam smiled, and he waved as Blaine walked out the door.
Once Blaine was gone, Sam tossed himself back against his blankets and stared up at the ceiling. It felt as though a huge weight was lifted from his shoulders, but the impending letter he’d agreed to write put a damper on the relief. Sam was horrible at writing. He made grammatical errors and spelling errors and most of the time just sounded like an idiot because he let his dyslexia get the better of him. Some people might find it romantic (Mercedes totally did) but Sam had a sneaking suspicion that Sebastian wouldn’t think the same thing. He’d probably find it annoying and refuse to finish reading the letter or something horrible like that.
Sam swore that the following day after school he’d write the best letter he could, and he’d use a dictionary and the internet and anything else he could find to make sure he spelled everything right and that everything made sense. He had to. Sam hated letting love go. It hurt, definitely, but something about this thing with Sebastian was more than that; it was stronger than with Quinn and more promising than with Mercedes. Sam needed this to work out, because he’d never felt so strongly for someone before in his life.
It didn’t take long for Sebastian to become frustrated with day to day life. Get up early to feed Maddie, sit through the tutor’s painful lectures while she napped, feed her midday then feed himself, take a short nap before she woke up again for a diaper change, sleep with her in the recliner, feed her again then feed himself, put her to bed, wake up before midnight to change her, wake up around two in the morning to feed her again, and repeat each and every day. Sebastian was exhausted and needed a break, but Blaine had school and glee club and couldn’t exactly ditch out to take over for twenty-four hours while Sebastian rehabilitated himself into someone that looked more like a teenager and less like a zombie.
Thankfully, Blaine would come over anyway, even just at night for a few hours, and it was a nice break from the solitude of Sebastian’s apartment where he saw nobody but Maddie and his awful tutor. The night Blaine showed up with a letter, though, he wasn’t quite as welcome anymore.
“Just read it, please,” Blaine begged, waving it out in front of him.
“No,” Sebastian said flatly, Maddie asleep in his arms. He knew exactly who the letter was from and he didn’t plan on giving him a chance anytime soon. “I’m not touching that.”
Blaine persisted for almost half an hour before he said, “Fine. I’ll read it to you.”
“Don’t you dare,” Sebastian said venomously.
Blaine just smirked at Sebastian because he knew Sebastian wasn’t going to move, which meant Blaine had him trapped. When Maddie was asleep, Sebastian never did anything that could wake her, even if it meant walking into her room to put her in her crib. Sebastian glared daggers at Blaine as he unfolded the letter and held it in front of him. “Stop it,” Sebastian shot.
“You need to hear this,” Blaine said simply, clearing his throat before he began to read.
Dear Sebastian,
Okay, so I don’t really know how to start these letter things, but I have a lot of things to say to you and this is the only way I can think of to tell you so you’ll actually listen.
I’m really sorry I ditched out on you the day our daughter was born. It hurt a lot when you were so okay with agreeing to hate me. It hurt because I wanted us to be a family (and I still do) but it hurt even more because I love you. It sounds stupid, but I really do. I’ve never felt like this about anyone else, and I felt this way before I even knew you were pregnant. The night we had together was the best night of my life because we did something I’d never done before. We made love. That’s why I didn’t want to take your money.
You can have your money back if you want. That way you can buy what you need for Maddie and give her a good life. I know you will even without this money. I only spent like thirty bucks, but I spent it on you, so I figured it was okay. The rest is still here in my room and it wouldn’t feel right spending it on anyone but you and Maddie, because it didn’t even feel right taking it in the first place.
I understand if you don’t want me to see her. I understand if you don’t want to see me. I just want you to know that I will never, ever leave like that again. You and Maddie are the best things to happen to me in a long time. I wish I could see her. I’ve heard that she’s beautiful. I’ll even understand if you don’t want her to know I’m her dad. She can call me Sam and you Dad if that’s what you want. I’ll take anything at this point. I just really want the chance to know my daughter. Please, Sebastian, consider it?
I guess I’m lucky if you’ve read this far, and you have my number in case you want to give me another chance. I promise I won’t disappoint you if you do.
Love,
Sam
Sebastian stared down at Maddie, avoiding Blaine’s eyes. He didn’t know what to think about anything anymore, and the way he knew Blaine was looking at him just irritated Sebastian. When Sebastian didn’t speak, Blaine assumed that he’d listened and that the letter served its purpose. “I’ll see you later, Sebastian,” Blaine said, setting the letter down next to Sebastian on the coffee table, and then he got up and left quietly.
Slowly, Sebastian’s eyes traveled over to the letter, and then back down to Maddie, who was now staring up at him with big green eyes. She let out a soft cooing noise and Sebastian knew just by looking at her that she deserved this. Sebastian wouldn’t concede for himself, only for Maddie. She was the one that deserved a chance at this. Not Sam, not Sebastian… only her, and he’d make it clear to Sam when he managed to pluck up the courage to contact him. If he managed to pluck up the courage to contact him.
After her two a.m. bottle, Sebastian was too exhausted to sit up and hold her so he put her in her crib and climbed into his own bed. He was asleep as soon as his face hit the pillow, baby monitor next to the bed. When he woke, he panicked because he didn’t wake to Maddie’s cries. Instead, he woke to birds chirping outside and the sun shining and light snowflakes falling. His heart beating a million miles a minute in fear at the thought that something had happened to Maddie, he rushed down to her room only to find an empty crib.
Now he was panicking even more and bolted into the living room. He slid to a halt on the hardwood floor of the kitchen as he looked into the living room to find his mother cradling a happy, laughing Maddie in her arms. When she looked up to see him, his mother just beamed and said, “She’s beautiful, sweetheart.”
Sebastian couldn’t speak as he wandered over to his mother and sat down next to her. “No other father then, huh?” she asked softly as Maddie played with a teething ring.
“He left,” Sebastian replied bitterly.
His mother’s eyes sparkled as she glanced to the kitchen and her eyes lingered on the letter from Sam as she said, “He sounds like a sweet boy.”
Sebastian turned to follow her line of sight, and then he glared over at his mother. “You’ve been reading my mail!?” he asked angrily.
“Sweetheart, it’s sitting out in the open. How did I know it wasn’t a note for me? I didn’t,” she shrugged simply.
“I didn’t know you were going to be here,” Sebastian shot, annoyed.
“It was her due date yesterday. Of course I was going to be here,” his mother said softly.
Sebastian didn’t say a word, and instead just leaned his head against his mother’s shoulder. He was thankful for a full night of rest, as well as for his mother even if she’d dropped by so unexpectedly. “She’s old enough… we could fly to Paris for Christmas. Would you like that?” she asked softly.
Sebastian sat up to look over at his mother, then down at Maddie. She was very well behaved. As long as they gave her a pacifier to pop her ears as they went up in the air, she’d be fine and wouldn’t fuss. The idea of spending time away from everything and going out to Paris was very appealing to Sebastian, and he agreed without a second thought. “Go get your laptop,” his mother smiled. “We’ll book our flights. It’ll be our first family Christmas in a while.”
He didn’t need to ask to know that she meant the three of them and his grandmother, who hadn’t left France in her life. She was very loyal to her country and wouldn’t step foot on other soil, regardless of her family. Sebastian missed her, and he wanted Maddie to know as many family members as she could, even if there weren’t many.
Sebastian grabbed his laptop and they booked their flights for the following day, and then he settled in on the couch, leaning against his mother as she held Maddie and soothed her. “How has she been?” she asked as Maddie occupied herself with another toy.
“She doesn’t sleep through the night, but I guess other than that she’s been fine. Strong, I guess,” Sebastian replied conversationally, still in his pajamas even though it was mid-afternoon.
“We’ll work on that today. See if we can’t get her sleep schedule regular,” his mother replied.
Sebastian had no idea how to do that, but he decided to just let his mother have a go. She was sure to know far better than he would.
The afternoon passed slowly, especially once Maddie got sleepy. Usually Sebastian would just let her sleep and take care of her again when she woke, but his mother wouldn’t have it. She held Maddie and forced her to stay awake, resulting in her wailing and crying until she sounded hoarse. She calmed, but didn’t stop whimpering all through dinner (they’d ordered take-out because Sebastian’s head hurt too much to focus on food). Finally at around seven o’clock, Sebastian’s mother changed and fed Maddie and then let her sleep in her crib.
“Keep her awake during the day and she’ll sleep longer at night,” his mother said simply as she walked into the living room where Sebastian was nursing a headache.
“Do you want to talk about Sam?” she asked softly as she sat down next to him on the sofa.
Sebastian didn’t say a word. He just leaned against his mother again and she held him close. “It’s okay to be in love, sweetheart,” she whispered softly. “He’s not your father. I can tell that just by that one letter. He’s never going to treat you or Maddie like your father treats us.” Sebastian sighed, and she whispered, “You’re strong, sweetheart, but having someone to help you would really make a difference.”
“I can’t trust him.”
“No, but you’ll never build any trust with him if you keep shutting him out.”
Sebastian hated how much sense his mother was making. He knew he should give Sam a chance, and he’d been leaning towards it, but the thought of Maddie going through the same pain he’d gone through when Sam left really made Sebastian second-guess himself. Thankfully, his mother didn’t press things. Instead, she suggested, “How about you just relax and not worry about anything for Christmas break and then just… see what happens when you come back, okay?” He happily nodded at that suggestion. “Get some rest, sweetheart,” she said after a short pause. “We’ve got an early morning.”
Sebastian stood up and wandered into his room, falling asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow, again. When he woke, his mother was standing in his room, Maddie in her arms, and she was smiling. “Your daddy has to wake up and pack,” she was saying rather loudly to the baby. Sebastian rolled over and looked up at them. “There he is!” his mother said, and Maddie squealed.
It was difficult to resist the smile on his face, and Sebastian slowly climbed out of bed. “Morning, Maddie,” he said groggily, kissing her forehead before walking into the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he emerged, he said, “It’s early.”
“You wanted to get to Paris at a decent time, right?” his mother laughed. “Maddie is all packed and ready to go. We’re just waiting on you.”
Sebastian packed quickly. He was used to packing only what he really needed because he had a whole closet in Paris waiting for him. Based on the small size of Maddie’s bag (it was really just her diaper bag), he assumed that his mother already stocked a closet for her as well. They left the apartment before the sun was in the sky, and they got to the airport rather quickly.
It was a relief, getting out of Ohio and America and just going off to Paris where he could clear his head. Getting away always made Sebastian feel better. He wondered if he should have told Sam that they wouldn’t be around, but he thought better of it. Sebastian wasn’t going to worry about Sam yet. He had a whole Christmas vacation in Paris with his daughter to enjoy before ever letting his mind go back to Sam. What Sebastian didn’t enjoy was how much Sam popped up in his head anyway.
As soon as they landed in Paris, however, Sebastian’s mind was focused on nothing but showing Maddie everything he possibly could. She didn’t really notice much, and she wouldn’t for a while as his mother had informed him. Paris held his happiest memories, though, and being there put a new glow in his smile and happiness back in his life. Sebastian looked out the window and held Maddie close as they watched the sights go by as the cab driver brought them to his mother’s home.
It didn’t take long for them to arrive, and when they did, Sebastian was surprised to find his grandmother sitting in the lounge room having tea. She looked just as any traditional wealthy elderly woman would; gray hair (styled perfectly, of course), lots of jewelry, the nicest vintage clothes, and of course, wrinkles in all the right places. “Mes chéris!” she exclaimed with a smile as they walked in.
Instantly Sebastian and Maddie were encircled in a strong hug, and Maddie curled up against him, unfamiliar with this new, strange woman. His grandmother’s accent was thick as she said, “She is so beautiful, Sebastian!”
“She is,” he nodded, trying to give her a pacifier as she squirmed and fussed in his arms.
“Let her have a nap! We have much talking to do!” his grandmother suggested.
Sebastian’s mother nodded, so he fed Maddie a bottle and laid her down to nap before he went into the study to have tea with them. He felt at home in Paris, and maybe Paris was where he was meant to be, he found himself thinking. Sebastian did his best to block out memories of Lima and Sam, and it was easier while they were away in Paris. He wondered if he shouldn’t just move to Paris permanently. It would make the whole situation far easier on him.
Back in Lima, Blaine looked down at his phone in slight frustration. He’d received a text message from Sebastian that was rather unnerving, considering the plan that he and Kurt had been concocting.
Sebastian: Gone to Paris for the holidays. Not sure when I’ll be back.
Blaine and Kurt had been planning to invite Sebastian and Madeline to the Hummel-Hudson Christmas celebration. Their parties for the holidays became more lavish each and every year, and Sam deserved to be there with his daughter for her very first Christmas. He’d miss out on so many firsts if Sebastian didn’t pull himself together and give Sam another chance, but it was looking as though Sam really might have messed things up beyond repair. The letter hadn’t worked, and now Sebastian had basically fled the country to escape his problems.
Blaine knew that Sebastian had family in Paris, and that he really loved being there, but he also knew that Sebastian and Sam shared something very real that night at Stallionz. It was obvious from the look in Sam’s eye when he talked about Sebastian, and it was even more obvious from Sebastian’s reaction to the letter Sam wrote him. Sebastian was just too caught up in his old ways, and too worried about getting hurt, that he was hurting people in return.
Blaine was invited along to the Hummel-Hudson Christmas celebration, and considering his family didn’t celebrate often, he happily accepted. Sam seemed quite upset the whole time, and everyone knew why but didn’t speak to it. That evening after opening gifts and Sam sitting on the phone with his mother, Kurt and Blaine went up to Kurt’s room to talk. Just barely a second after he’d closed the bedroom door, Kurt turned to Blaine and nearly shrieked, “What is going on!?”
It was all Blaine had in him not to yell in return, to point out that this had mostly been Kurt’s idea, but pointing fingers wasn’t going to fix any of this. “Sebastian is in Paris,” Blaine explained. “He’s celebrating the holidays with his family.”
Kurt rolled his eyes and said, “Sam is his family now. They have Maddie, he can’t just run off like he knows what’s best for her!”
“Well he thinks that he does,” Blaine tried to explain. “After Sam ditched when she was born, he’s really been protecting his heart, Kurt. I know you want Sam to be happy, and so do I, but… try to think of it from Sebastian’s point of view for a minute, okay? You’re terrified because something that is supposedly biologically impossible has just happened to you. Your parents are never around, you’re on your own at age seventeen even without the baby, and then this guy comes along. He makes you feel loved even though you’ve never felt loved before in your life. He says he wants to be there for you, and then he’s just gone on one of the most important days of your life. I understand why Sam left, but… it really hurt Sebastian.”
Kurt sat down on the bed next to Blaine and sighed. Seeing both sides made it even more complicated, if it was even possible. “Sam has done all he can to fix this,” Blaine said softly. “He told Sebastian how he feels and now he’s giving him time to think. This is all on Sebastian now.”
“Sam missed out on his daughters first Christmas because of that meerkat,” Kurt said bitterly.
Blaine just took a deep breath and glanced around the room. Then he said softly, “Well then I guess we just need to make sure this is the only first he misses.”
Kurt’s eyes slowly dragged upwards to meet Blaine’s, and he bit his lip before he nodded. All this worrying he was doing was going to give him early wrinkles, and he didn’t want that, so they’d have to figure out how to fix this as soon as possible. There were really no other options. Blaine sent several more text messages to Sebastian, but his phone kept saying that the message could not be delivered. He frowned and said, “We’ll have to wait until he gets back.”
Kurt wasn’t happy with that, but he knew there was nothing that either of them could do. So, the rest of break they tried to cheer Sam up. Kurt drove him out to Kentucky so he could see his family for a while, and when Sam came back he seemed a bit more chipper, though not much. Every time Blaine tried to talk to Sam, the blonde would skirt away with some excuse that Carole or Burt needed his help, and Blaine basically gave up. Kurt could try, but Blaine was too frustrated to bother anymore. Sam and Sebastian were turning out to be two of the most stubborn people in the world.
When Sebastian got back from Paris, classes at McKinley had already been in session for a week. Sam basically resolved himself to being written out of Maddie’s life, so he sat down at his desk one night and wrote two more letters. One he’d ask Blaine to deliver to Sebastian, and another he’d ask both of them to keep sealed. It had nothing on it but Maddie’s name on the envelope, and the rest was a secret.
Blaine reluctantly showed up at Sebastian’s door a few days after he’d arrived back in the States, and Sebastian answered. Maddie was squealing along with some children’s program on TV in the background, and Sebastian just eyed Blaine skeptically. “I have mail for you,” Blaine said as he walked inside.
He held out the envelopes from Sam. “This one is for you,” Blaine extended the letter with Sebastian’s name on the envelope. “And this is for Maddie. She’s not supposed to read it until she’s eighteen, but Sam would really appreciate it if you would give this to her when she’s old enough.”
Sebastian stared down at both envelopes, a bit shocked at the second one. “I really hope you know what you’re doing,” Blaine said softly. “He’s devastated.”
Blaine looked up at Sebastian and shrugged as he said, “I know that you want to do what’s best by her. That’s very admirable of you. Just… make sure you’re ready to live with the consequences.”
Without another word, Blaine turned and left the apartment, leaving Sebastian to stand on his own, both of the letters in hand. Slowly, with trembling fingers, he opened the letter addressed to him. He could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears as he started to read.
Dear Sebastian,
I can’t even come up with the right words to tell you how awful I feel. It hit me today (Christmas) that I messed up bigger than I’ve ever messed up in my life. Today was Maddie’s first Christmas, and I missed it. It feels like part of me died, knowing that I missed that moment and can never get it back. It hurts worse knowing that I’ve hurt you so badly you don’t want anything to do with me. I’ve never had anyone hate me like this before.
I know I told you that you could hate me, so I asked for it. I get that. I just wish you knew how sorry I was, and how much this is killing me. Family has always been the most important thing in my life. I had that job at Stallionz for my family, and everything I do is for them. It sucks knowing that no matter what I do, it won’t be able to help in giving Maddie an amazing life. I know you’ll do that for her, I just wish I could say that I helped.
I understand why you’re doing this. I know how badly I hurt you and that you don’t want her to feel that way. I get why you don’t want me to see her. I guess I was just hoping I would have a second chance to prove myself to you and to show you that I’m not going to leave.
Anyway, I hope you two had an amazing Christmas. I heard you went to Paris. That’s really exciting! I’ve always wanted to go there and see all the art. I like that sort of stuff, you know? But… anyway, since I can’t see Maddie, I was hoping that maybe you’d still send me photos. I’d like to see our baby girl grow up, even if it’s only in pictures. She’s a part of both of us and that’s a beautiful thing. It’s something special that you and I share and I’ll never regret a single minute of it. So, anyway… my address is on the envelope. I really hope you’ll send me pictures so I can still see her. Even if you don’t tell her, I hope you know that I will always love her. Always. You, too.
With this is a second letter, and you can read it if you want, but it’s for Maddie. I want her to read it on her eighteenth birthday. It doesn’t say anything bad about you, I promise. It’s just… my way of telling her how special she is to me and how much I love her. I’d really like it if one day she could read it and see how much she means to me.
So with this letter, I’m saying goodbye. I won’t bother you anymore, because I know you have made your decision. I know you’re going to give our baby girl everything she would ever want or need in life, and I can’t ask for more than that. I love you both, and I always will. I’ll never forget the time we spent together, Sebastian.
Love,
Sam
By the time he finished reading, Sebastian let the letter fall to the floor. The finality of it all and everything that Sam said hit him hard, and he felt weak for it all. Sebastian’s curiosity got the better of him, and he opened Maddie’s letter from Sam without thinking twice.
Dear Maddie,
Hey baby girl. I know you don’t know who I am, but I want you to know that I love you. I don’t know if your dad told you who I am or how special you are, but… he and I made you together, and you’re the greatest thing to ever happen to me.
Wherever you are in life, I’m proud of you. I’m sure you’re a brilliant, beautiful girl and you’re going to go far. No matter where life takes you, just know that I’m somewhere in the world, loving you and thinking about you.
I want you to promise me one thing, though. No matter how difficult life is, and no matter how scary the path, always follow your heart. You’ll always regret it if you don’t. I wish I could see you, give you a hug, and tell you just how much you mean to me. But I made some mistakes in life and I’ll always regret those. I’ll regret leaving you most of all, because you are the most innocent, beautiful, amazing thing to ever happen to me. I can guarantee that.
I don’t want to make this letter too long, so I’ll leave you with this: I love you so much, Madeline, and I hope that one day you and I can meet. Maybe you’ll hate me, maybe you won’t, but I’d love the chance one day to get to see you and the beautiful young woman you’ve become.
Love,
Sam
Sebastian regretted opening the letter when he finished it. By the time he did, his whole chest ached. Maddie let out a squeal from the living room and he looked up, and she was watching him with a curious expression. “C’mere,” he muttered, walking over to her to lift her up.
Maddie buried her face in Sebastian’s chest as though she knew he just needed a hug and needed some sort of comfort. He had to sit down with the swell of emotions he was feeling. It was all too much for him to handle. Maddie stayed curled up against his chest as long as Sebastian needed her, and he’d never been more thankful to have her in his life than he was in that moment. Especially since now more than ever, Sebastian was lost and confused and didn’t know what to do.
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Sam/Sebastian
Warnings: mpreg
Words: ~6,500 this chapter (~33,300 so far)
Summary: Kurt found out that even though Sam is in Lima with the rest of the Glee club, he's still running off to Kentucky some weekends to strip. Kurt and Blaine devise a plan with Sebastian's help to give Sam the money he needs and to keep him from going back to stripping. From there, it all spirals way out of control.
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As it turned out, parenting wasn’t nearly as easy as Sebastian expected it to be. On the contrary, he was still always tired, even though he’d had Maddie, and he was just as irritable, too. She slept, but not nearly enough: not through the night and not even long enough for Sebastian to get a satisfying nap in the daytime. To say that his sleep schedule had been completely fucked up would be an understatement, and he was doing it all on his own. His tutor was giving him a few weeks off so he could get into the swing of things with Maddie, but Sebastian would skeptical that would ever happen. He had to bite his tongue to keep from yelling at her, and more than once, he’d cried himself to sleep in stress and exhaustion.
Sebastian was torn between completely resenting Sam and being envious of him. The two hadn’t spoken since Maddie was born, and Sebastian tried his best to remain indifferent. Blaine hadn’t called him yet either, which didn’t surprise Sebastian at all. He was trying desperately to make his long distance relationship work, and on top of that, he had no idea that Maddie was born anyway.
By the time Blaine called, it was Maddie’s due date and she was already three weeks old. “Hello?” Sebastian asked, wandering across the apartment quickly since he’d just put her down to sleep.
“Hey, Sebastian!” Blaine said; he was far more chipper than Sebastian was prepared for.
“What do you want?” Sebastian asked, though the hatred in his voice that was usually there happened to be absent that afternoon.
“Well…” Blaine began. “I wanted to see how you were feeling. Her due date is today.”
“I know,” Sebastian nodded. “She’s here.”
The line was silent and Blaine seemed to have to think about it for a minute before he asked, “Wh-what?”
“I had her like three weeks ago.”
“And you didn’t think to call me!?” Blaine cried out, the hurt evident in his voice.
Sebastian sighed and rolled his eyes, and he shot, “No, I didn’t, because I’ve been dealing with a ton of shit right now. She never sleeps and she’s always crying and I’m still in pain and Sam just fucking…”
Sebastian stopped right there and sat down on the couch, dipping his head to run his hand through his hair. “Wait… Sam just fucking what, Sebastian?” Blaine asked softly.
“Nothing.”
Blaine frowned and thought about the bad things that could happen by pressing the issue, but he really needed to know. “What happened with Sam?” he tried again.
“He left. Right there in the fucking hospital. Right after he saw her. So I’d rather not talk about him, okay? It’s me and Maddie and that’s it. She’s sleeping right now but I guess if you feel like coming over after school I can’t stop you.”
That was as much of an invitation as Blaine was going to get from Sebastian, and they both knew it. So, Blaine did exactly as Sebastian said he could, and he showed up at Sebastian’s apartment that afternoon. He wanted to know more about what happened with Sam, but the instant he saw Sebastian smiling down at Maddie as he changed her diaper in the living room, the questions left his mind. Blaine was glad Sebastian had chosen to keep her, because the way the two of them interacted was so natural and beautiful. “You’re a great father,” Blaine commented as he walked inside.
Sebastian turned to look up at Blaine, his smile fading, but he nodded and accepted the compliment, because he had to keep telling himself the exact same thing if he wanted to keep his patience with Maddie when it was too difficult for him. “She’s in a good mood,” Sebastian commented as he picked her up from where she was laying on the sofa. “You can hold her if you want.”
Blaine’s smile broke out into a wide grin, and he nodded as he said, “Okay.”
Blaine would be the first person besides Sebastian that would get to hold Maddie, and it was a bit scary for Sebastian. Gently, he rested her in Blaine’s arms, and watched from a close distance to be sure that she was okay. Blaine seemed to be good with her, though, because she was smiling up at him almost instantly. Blaine reached down with his other hand so she could hold his finger, and he tickled her tummy to get her to smile a little bit before he said, “You’re so lucky, Sebastian. She’s beautiful.”
Sebastian nodded, because she really was. Sometimes he didn’t feel lucky, more like he was cursed, but most of the time being with Maddie did exactly as Blaine suspected it would: it made him feel loved and a little less alone. Blaine leaned back on the sofa and relaxed as Maddie slowly dozed off in his arms, and he looked up at Sebastian, who seemed less like himself. “You look tired,” Blaine commented.
That only warranted a roll of the eyes, because Sebastian knew damn well how he looked. He looked as he felt, and in that moment he felt like shit. “You can call me to babysit if you need a break,” Blaine offered kindly. “I mean… we’re friends, and I said I’d help, and… I’d really like to help.”
Sebastian glanced up at Blaine, almost surprised by the suggestion. With how much time Blaine had been spending with Kurt all of a sudden, even just over the phone, he hadn’t expected any sort of offer for anything. Sebastian just nodded and said, “Yeah, I need it.”
Blaine frowned, and he turned to Sebastian and asked gently, “What happened with Sam?”
“I told you.”
Sebastian snapped almost instantly and it hurt a little to hear the pain in his voice and to see the way he was hurting. Blaine didn’t press it any further, but he knew there was more to the story. That evening after he’d made dinner for Sebastian and put Maddie to bed as she napped, Blaine left, and on his way home, he called Sam. “Hello?” Sam asked in confusion.
“We need to talk,” Blaine told him simply. “Are you at Burt and Carole’s?”
Sam sighed, but told him the truth, “Yeah.”
He’d spent a full week with his parents, just talking to them and trying to figure out what to do and how to handle it all, and while it was helpful, it still hurt going back to Lima. It killed Sam knowing that just one town over, Sebastian sat with their baby, playing with her and getting to know her, while Sam was alone. He was up in his room at Burt and Carole’s when Blaine showed up, and they let Blaine go right upstairs. “Hey,” Blaine said from the doorway.
Sam glanced up but didn’t reply, because he already knew why Blaine was there. He’d been rehearsing the right thing to say to keep himself from sounding as horrible as he was sure Sebastian made him sound, but it was hard because Sam hated himself for what he’d done. Blaine wandered in and shut the door, taking a seat at the end of Sam’s bed once he was inside. “I hear congratulations are in order,” Blaine commented offhandedly.
Those words seemed to hit Sam hard, and he turned away in frustration and sadness, his arms wrapped tightly in front of him as if to protect himself from more reminders of Maddie’s birth and his distance from her. “Hey, no, I really mean it…” Blaine said softly, scooting closer to Sam where he sat on his bed. “Is everything okay? I don’t really know what happened. Sebastian won’t talk about it.”
“Well… she was born early, and… he blamed himself for it. He sat there hating himself, so unhappy on a day when he should be so excited and happy, you know?” Sam began quietly, avoiding eye contact with Blaine. “So… I told him that instead of hating himself because his body was rejecting the parts and they needed to get her out early… I told him he should hate me. You know, because I got him pregnant or whatever. And… he agreed so quickly. He was so happy to agree that it hurt. It hurt so bad, because… he doesn’t realize how I feel and it sucks, dude.”
“How do you feel?” Blaine asked curiously, his words slow and hesitant.
Sam just sighed and he shrugged, “I can’t stop thinking about him. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him since he walked into Stallionz that night.”
Blaine took a moment to let the words settle before he suggested, “Well… I mean, birth is a scary thing. I’m sure he was just caught up in it.”
“He won’t talk to me. I tried calling and texting and nothing.”
It didn’t surprise Blaine, the way Sebastian was so abruptly shutting Sam out and refusing to give him another chance. “I’ll tell you what,” Blaine began, scooting closer to Sam to rub his back and try to get him to relax and think about what he was about to suggest. “How about you write him a letter? Say everything on your mind and explain exactly how you feel, and then I’ll deliver it to him. I’ll make him read it, and… I can’t promise anything, but it’s a start, you know?”
Sam looked up at Blaine for the first time since he’d arrived, his eyes glassy and full of emotion as he asked, “Y-you’d really do that for me?”
Blaine nodded and smiled softly. “Of course I would,” Blaine insisted. “We’re friends. I look out for my friends. And… you two deserve a chance at something real just like the rest of us. Sebastian’s just stubborn.”
“You can say that again,” Sam said with a forced laugh and a roll of the eyes.
Blaine laughed a little at that, and then he suggested, “Whenever you’re ready, write the letter. Bring it to me and I’ll make sure Sebastian reads it, okay?”
Sam nodded and looked over at Blaine gratefully. “You’re really awesome, dude. Thanks.”
Blaine smiled in return and said, “And don’t beat yourself up over this, okay? I completely understand why you did what you did. Sometimes Sebastian doesn’t realize the effect his actions have on other people.”
“Yeah,” Sam nodded slowly. “Thanks again.”
“No problem,” Blaine smiled, patting Sam’s back one last time before he stood up. “I have to get home, but I’ll see you at school tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay, “Sam smiled, and he waved as Blaine walked out the door.
Once Blaine was gone, Sam tossed himself back against his blankets and stared up at the ceiling. It felt as though a huge weight was lifted from his shoulders, but the impending letter he’d agreed to write put a damper on the relief. Sam was horrible at writing. He made grammatical errors and spelling errors and most of the time just sounded like an idiot because he let his dyslexia get the better of him. Some people might find it romantic (Mercedes totally did) but Sam had a sneaking suspicion that Sebastian wouldn’t think the same thing. He’d probably find it annoying and refuse to finish reading the letter or something horrible like that.
Sam swore that the following day after school he’d write the best letter he could, and he’d use a dictionary and the internet and anything else he could find to make sure he spelled everything right and that everything made sense. He had to. Sam hated letting love go. It hurt, definitely, but something about this thing with Sebastian was more than that; it was stronger than with Quinn and more promising than with Mercedes. Sam needed this to work out, because he’d never felt so strongly for someone before in his life.
It didn’t take long for Sebastian to become frustrated with day to day life. Get up early to feed Maddie, sit through the tutor’s painful lectures while she napped, feed her midday then feed himself, take a short nap before she woke up again for a diaper change, sleep with her in the recliner, feed her again then feed himself, put her to bed, wake up before midnight to change her, wake up around two in the morning to feed her again, and repeat each and every day. Sebastian was exhausted and needed a break, but Blaine had school and glee club and couldn’t exactly ditch out to take over for twenty-four hours while Sebastian rehabilitated himself into someone that looked more like a teenager and less like a zombie.
Thankfully, Blaine would come over anyway, even just at night for a few hours, and it was a nice break from the solitude of Sebastian’s apartment where he saw nobody but Maddie and his awful tutor. The night Blaine showed up with a letter, though, he wasn’t quite as welcome anymore.
“Just read it, please,” Blaine begged, waving it out in front of him.
“No,” Sebastian said flatly, Maddie asleep in his arms. He knew exactly who the letter was from and he didn’t plan on giving him a chance anytime soon. “I’m not touching that.”
Blaine persisted for almost half an hour before he said, “Fine. I’ll read it to you.”
“Don’t you dare,” Sebastian said venomously.
Blaine just smirked at Sebastian because he knew Sebastian wasn’t going to move, which meant Blaine had him trapped. When Maddie was asleep, Sebastian never did anything that could wake her, even if it meant walking into her room to put her in her crib. Sebastian glared daggers at Blaine as he unfolded the letter and held it in front of him. “Stop it,” Sebastian shot.
“You need to hear this,” Blaine said simply, clearing his throat before he began to read.
Dear Sebastian,
Okay, so I don’t really know how to start these letter things, but I have a lot of things to say to you and this is the only way I can think of to tell you so you’ll actually listen.
I’m really sorry I ditched out on you the day our daughter was born. It hurt a lot when you were so okay with agreeing to hate me. It hurt because I wanted us to be a family (and I still do) but it hurt even more because I love you. It sounds stupid, but I really do. I’ve never felt like this about anyone else, and I felt this way before I even knew you were pregnant. The night we had together was the best night of my life because we did something I’d never done before. We made love. That’s why I didn’t want to take your money.
You can have your money back if you want. That way you can buy what you need for Maddie and give her a good life. I know you will even without this money. I only spent like thirty bucks, but I spent it on you, so I figured it was okay. The rest is still here in my room and it wouldn’t feel right spending it on anyone but you and Maddie, because it didn’t even feel right taking it in the first place.
I understand if you don’t want me to see her. I understand if you don’t want to see me. I just want you to know that I will never, ever leave like that again. You and Maddie are the best things to happen to me in a long time. I wish I could see her. I’ve heard that she’s beautiful. I’ll even understand if you don’t want her to know I’m her dad. She can call me Sam and you Dad if that’s what you want. I’ll take anything at this point. I just really want the chance to know my daughter. Please, Sebastian, consider it?
I guess I’m lucky if you’ve read this far, and you have my number in case you want to give me another chance. I promise I won’t disappoint you if you do.
Love,
Sam
Sebastian stared down at Maddie, avoiding Blaine’s eyes. He didn’t know what to think about anything anymore, and the way he knew Blaine was looking at him just irritated Sebastian. When Sebastian didn’t speak, Blaine assumed that he’d listened and that the letter served its purpose. “I’ll see you later, Sebastian,” Blaine said, setting the letter down next to Sebastian on the coffee table, and then he got up and left quietly.
Slowly, Sebastian’s eyes traveled over to the letter, and then back down to Maddie, who was now staring up at him with big green eyes. She let out a soft cooing noise and Sebastian knew just by looking at her that she deserved this. Sebastian wouldn’t concede for himself, only for Maddie. She was the one that deserved a chance at this. Not Sam, not Sebastian… only her, and he’d make it clear to Sam when he managed to pluck up the courage to contact him. If he managed to pluck up the courage to contact him.
After her two a.m. bottle, Sebastian was too exhausted to sit up and hold her so he put her in her crib and climbed into his own bed. He was asleep as soon as his face hit the pillow, baby monitor next to the bed. When he woke, he panicked because he didn’t wake to Maddie’s cries. Instead, he woke to birds chirping outside and the sun shining and light snowflakes falling. His heart beating a million miles a minute in fear at the thought that something had happened to Maddie, he rushed down to her room only to find an empty crib.
Now he was panicking even more and bolted into the living room. He slid to a halt on the hardwood floor of the kitchen as he looked into the living room to find his mother cradling a happy, laughing Maddie in her arms. When she looked up to see him, his mother just beamed and said, “She’s beautiful, sweetheart.”
Sebastian couldn’t speak as he wandered over to his mother and sat down next to her. “No other father then, huh?” she asked softly as Maddie played with a teething ring.
“He left,” Sebastian replied bitterly.
His mother’s eyes sparkled as she glanced to the kitchen and her eyes lingered on the letter from Sam as she said, “He sounds like a sweet boy.”
Sebastian turned to follow her line of sight, and then he glared over at his mother. “You’ve been reading my mail!?” he asked angrily.
“Sweetheart, it’s sitting out in the open. How did I know it wasn’t a note for me? I didn’t,” she shrugged simply.
“I didn’t know you were going to be here,” Sebastian shot, annoyed.
“It was her due date yesterday. Of course I was going to be here,” his mother said softly.
Sebastian didn’t say a word, and instead just leaned his head against his mother’s shoulder. He was thankful for a full night of rest, as well as for his mother even if she’d dropped by so unexpectedly. “She’s old enough… we could fly to Paris for Christmas. Would you like that?” she asked softly.
Sebastian sat up to look over at his mother, then down at Maddie. She was very well behaved. As long as they gave her a pacifier to pop her ears as they went up in the air, she’d be fine and wouldn’t fuss. The idea of spending time away from everything and going out to Paris was very appealing to Sebastian, and he agreed without a second thought. “Go get your laptop,” his mother smiled. “We’ll book our flights. It’ll be our first family Christmas in a while.”
He didn’t need to ask to know that she meant the three of them and his grandmother, who hadn’t left France in her life. She was very loyal to her country and wouldn’t step foot on other soil, regardless of her family. Sebastian missed her, and he wanted Maddie to know as many family members as she could, even if there weren’t many.
Sebastian grabbed his laptop and they booked their flights for the following day, and then he settled in on the couch, leaning against his mother as she held Maddie and soothed her. “How has she been?” she asked as Maddie occupied herself with another toy.
“She doesn’t sleep through the night, but I guess other than that she’s been fine. Strong, I guess,” Sebastian replied conversationally, still in his pajamas even though it was mid-afternoon.
“We’ll work on that today. See if we can’t get her sleep schedule regular,” his mother replied.
Sebastian had no idea how to do that, but he decided to just let his mother have a go. She was sure to know far better than he would.
The afternoon passed slowly, especially once Maddie got sleepy. Usually Sebastian would just let her sleep and take care of her again when she woke, but his mother wouldn’t have it. She held Maddie and forced her to stay awake, resulting in her wailing and crying until she sounded hoarse. She calmed, but didn’t stop whimpering all through dinner (they’d ordered take-out because Sebastian’s head hurt too much to focus on food). Finally at around seven o’clock, Sebastian’s mother changed and fed Maddie and then let her sleep in her crib.
“Keep her awake during the day and she’ll sleep longer at night,” his mother said simply as she walked into the living room where Sebastian was nursing a headache.
“Do you want to talk about Sam?” she asked softly as she sat down next to him on the sofa.
Sebastian didn’t say a word. He just leaned against his mother again and she held him close. “It’s okay to be in love, sweetheart,” she whispered softly. “He’s not your father. I can tell that just by that one letter. He’s never going to treat you or Maddie like your father treats us.” Sebastian sighed, and she whispered, “You’re strong, sweetheart, but having someone to help you would really make a difference.”
“I can’t trust him.”
“No, but you’ll never build any trust with him if you keep shutting him out.”
Sebastian hated how much sense his mother was making. He knew he should give Sam a chance, and he’d been leaning towards it, but the thought of Maddie going through the same pain he’d gone through when Sam left really made Sebastian second-guess himself. Thankfully, his mother didn’t press things. Instead, she suggested, “How about you just relax and not worry about anything for Christmas break and then just… see what happens when you come back, okay?” He happily nodded at that suggestion. “Get some rest, sweetheart,” she said after a short pause. “We’ve got an early morning.”
Sebastian stood up and wandered into his room, falling asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow, again. When he woke, his mother was standing in his room, Maddie in her arms, and she was smiling. “Your daddy has to wake up and pack,” she was saying rather loudly to the baby. Sebastian rolled over and looked up at them. “There he is!” his mother said, and Maddie squealed.
It was difficult to resist the smile on his face, and Sebastian slowly climbed out of bed. “Morning, Maddie,” he said groggily, kissing her forehead before walking into the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he emerged, he said, “It’s early.”
“You wanted to get to Paris at a decent time, right?” his mother laughed. “Maddie is all packed and ready to go. We’re just waiting on you.”
Sebastian packed quickly. He was used to packing only what he really needed because he had a whole closet in Paris waiting for him. Based on the small size of Maddie’s bag (it was really just her diaper bag), he assumed that his mother already stocked a closet for her as well. They left the apartment before the sun was in the sky, and they got to the airport rather quickly.
It was a relief, getting out of Ohio and America and just going off to Paris where he could clear his head. Getting away always made Sebastian feel better. He wondered if he should have told Sam that they wouldn’t be around, but he thought better of it. Sebastian wasn’t going to worry about Sam yet. He had a whole Christmas vacation in Paris with his daughter to enjoy before ever letting his mind go back to Sam. What Sebastian didn’t enjoy was how much Sam popped up in his head anyway.
As soon as they landed in Paris, however, Sebastian’s mind was focused on nothing but showing Maddie everything he possibly could. She didn’t really notice much, and she wouldn’t for a while as his mother had informed him. Paris held his happiest memories, though, and being there put a new glow in his smile and happiness back in his life. Sebastian looked out the window and held Maddie close as they watched the sights go by as the cab driver brought them to his mother’s home.
It didn’t take long for them to arrive, and when they did, Sebastian was surprised to find his grandmother sitting in the lounge room having tea. She looked just as any traditional wealthy elderly woman would; gray hair (styled perfectly, of course), lots of jewelry, the nicest vintage clothes, and of course, wrinkles in all the right places. “Mes chéris!” she exclaimed with a smile as they walked in.
Instantly Sebastian and Maddie were encircled in a strong hug, and Maddie curled up against him, unfamiliar with this new, strange woman. His grandmother’s accent was thick as she said, “She is so beautiful, Sebastian!”
“She is,” he nodded, trying to give her a pacifier as she squirmed and fussed in his arms.
“Let her have a nap! We have much talking to do!” his grandmother suggested.
Sebastian’s mother nodded, so he fed Maddie a bottle and laid her down to nap before he went into the study to have tea with them. He felt at home in Paris, and maybe Paris was where he was meant to be, he found himself thinking. Sebastian did his best to block out memories of Lima and Sam, and it was easier while they were away in Paris. He wondered if he shouldn’t just move to Paris permanently. It would make the whole situation far easier on him.
Back in Lima, Blaine looked down at his phone in slight frustration. He’d received a text message from Sebastian that was rather unnerving, considering the plan that he and Kurt had been concocting.
Sebastian: Gone to Paris for the holidays. Not sure when I’ll be back.
Blaine and Kurt had been planning to invite Sebastian and Madeline to the Hummel-Hudson Christmas celebration. Their parties for the holidays became more lavish each and every year, and Sam deserved to be there with his daughter for her very first Christmas. He’d miss out on so many firsts if Sebastian didn’t pull himself together and give Sam another chance, but it was looking as though Sam really might have messed things up beyond repair. The letter hadn’t worked, and now Sebastian had basically fled the country to escape his problems.
Blaine knew that Sebastian had family in Paris, and that he really loved being there, but he also knew that Sebastian and Sam shared something very real that night at Stallionz. It was obvious from the look in Sam’s eye when he talked about Sebastian, and it was even more obvious from Sebastian’s reaction to the letter Sam wrote him. Sebastian was just too caught up in his old ways, and too worried about getting hurt, that he was hurting people in return.
Blaine was invited along to the Hummel-Hudson Christmas celebration, and considering his family didn’t celebrate often, he happily accepted. Sam seemed quite upset the whole time, and everyone knew why but didn’t speak to it. That evening after opening gifts and Sam sitting on the phone with his mother, Kurt and Blaine went up to Kurt’s room to talk. Just barely a second after he’d closed the bedroom door, Kurt turned to Blaine and nearly shrieked, “What is going on!?”
It was all Blaine had in him not to yell in return, to point out that this had mostly been Kurt’s idea, but pointing fingers wasn’t going to fix any of this. “Sebastian is in Paris,” Blaine explained. “He’s celebrating the holidays with his family.”
Kurt rolled his eyes and said, “Sam is his family now. They have Maddie, he can’t just run off like he knows what’s best for her!”
“Well he thinks that he does,” Blaine tried to explain. “After Sam ditched when she was born, he’s really been protecting his heart, Kurt. I know you want Sam to be happy, and so do I, but… try to think of it from Sebastian’s point of view for a minute, okay? You’re terrified because something that is supposedly biologically impossible has just happened to you. Your parents are never around, you’re on your own at age seventeen even without the baby, and then this guy comes along. He makes you feel loved even though you’ve never felt loved before in your life. He says he wants to be there for you, and then he’s just gone on one of the most important days of your life. I understand why Sam left, but… it really hurt Sebastian.”
Kurt sat down on the bed next to Blaine and sighed. Seeing both sides made it even more complicated, if it was even possible. “Sam has done all he can to fix this,” Blaine said softly. “He told Sebastian how he feels and now he’s giving him time to think. This is all on Sebastian now.”
“Sam missed out on his daughters first Christmas because of that meerkat,” Kurt said bitterly.
Blaine just took a deep breath and glanced around the room. Then he said softly, “Well then I guess we just need to make sure this is the only first he misses.”
Kurt’s eyes slowly dragged upwards to meet Blaine’s, and he bit his lip before he nodded. All this worrying he was doing was going to give him early wrinkles, and he didn’t want that, so they’d have to figure out how to fix this as soon as possible. There were really no other options. Blaine sent several more text messages to Sebastian, but his phone kept saying that the message could not be delivered. He frowned and said, “We’ll have to wait until he gets back.”
Kurt wasn’t happy with that, but he knew there was nothing that either of them could do. So, the rest of break they tried to cheer Sam up. Kurt drove him out to Kentucky so he could see his family for a while, and when Sam came back he seemed a bit more chipper, though not much. Every time Blaine tried to talk to Sam, the blonde would skirt away with some excuse that Carole or Burt needed his help, and Blaine basically gave up. Kurt could try, but Blaine was too frustrated to bother anymore. Sam and Sebastian were turning out to be two of the most stubborn people in the world.
When Sebastian got back from Paris, classes at McKinley had already been in session for a week. Sam basically resolved himself to being written out of Maddie’s life, so he sat down at his desk one night and wrote two more letters. One he’d ask Blaine to deliver to Sebastian, and another he’d ask both of them to keep sealed. It had nothing on it but Maddie’s name on the envelope, and the rest was a secret.
Blaine reluctantly showed up at Sebastian’s door a few days after he’d arrived back in the States, and Sebastian answered. Maddie was squealing along with some children’s program on TV in the background, and Sebastian just eyed Blaine skeptically. “I have mail for you,” Blaine said as he walked inside.
He held out the envelopes from Sam. “This one is for you,” Blaine extended the letter with Sebastian’s name on the envelope. “And this is for Maddie. She’s not supposed to read it until she’s eighteen, but Sam would really appreciate it if you would give this to her when she’s old enough.”
Sebastian stared down at both envelopes, a bit shocked at the second one. “I really hope you know what you’re doing,” Blaine said softly. “He’s devastated.”
Blaine looked up at Sebastian and shrugged as he said, “I know that you want to do what’s best by her. That’s very admirable of you. Just… make sure you’re ready to live with the consequences.”
Without another word, Blaine turned and left the apartment, leaving Sebastian to stand on his own, both of the letters in hand. Slowly, with trembling fingers, he opened the letter addressed to him. He could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears as he started to read.
Dear Sebastian,
I can’t even come up with the right words to tell you how awful I feel. It hit me today (Christmas) that I messed up bigger than I’ve ever messed up in my life. Today was Maddie’s first Christmas, and I missed it. It feels like part of me died, knowing that I missed that moment and can never get it back. It hurts worse knowing that I’ve hurt you so badly you don’t want anything to do with me. I’ve never had anyone hate me like this before.
I know I told you that you could hate me, so I asked for it. I get that. I just wish you knew how sorry I was, and how much this is killing me. Family has always been the most important thing in my life. I had that job at Stallionz for my family, and everything I do is for them. It sucks knowing that no matter what I do, it won’t be able to help in giving Maddie an amazing life. I know you’ll do that for her, I just wish I could say that I helped.
I understand why you’re doing this. I know how badly I hurt you and that you don’t want her to feel that way. I get why you don’t want me to see her. I guess I was just hoping I would have a second chance to prove myself to you and to show you that I’m not going to leave.
Anyway, I hope you two had an amazing Christmas. I heard you went to Paris. That’s really exciting! I’ve always wanted to go there and see all the art. I like that sort of stuff, you know? But… anyway, since I can’t see Maddie, I was hoping that maybe you’d still send me photos. I’d like to see our baby girl grow up, even if it’s only in pictures. She’s a part of both of us and that’s a beautiful thing. It’s something special that you and I share and I’ll never regret a single minute of it. So, anyway… my address is on the envelope. I really hope you’ll send me pictures so I can still see her. Even if you don’t tell her, I hope you know that I will always love her. Always. You, too.
With this is a second letter, and you can read it if you want, but it’s for Maddie. I want her to read it on her eighteenth birthday. It doesn’t say anything bad about you, I promise. It’s just… my way of telling her how special she is to me and how much I love her. I’d really like it if one day she could read it and see how much she means to me.
So with this letter, I’m saying goodbye. I won’t bother you anymore, because I know you have made your decision. I know you’re going to give our baby girl everything she would ever want or need in life, and I can’t ask for more than that. I love you both, and I always will. I’ll never forget the time we spent together, Sebastian.
Love,
Sam
By the time he finished reading, Sebastian let the letter fall to the floor. The finality of it all and everything that Sam said hit him hard, and he felt weak for it all. Sebastian’s curiosity got the better of him, and he opened Maddie’s letter from Sam without thinking twice.
Dear Maddie,
Hey baby girl. I know you don’t know who I am, but I want you to know that I love you. I don’t know if your dad told you who I am or how special you are, but… he and I made you together, and you’re the greatest thing to ever happen to me.
Wherever you are in life, I’m proud of you. I’m sure you’re a brilliant, beautiful girl and you’re going to go far. No matter where life takes you, just know that I’m somewhere in the world, loving you and thinking about you.
I want you to promise me one thing, though. No matter how difficult life is, and no matter how scary the path, always follow your heart. You’ll always regret it if you don’t. I wish I could see you, give you a hug, and tell you just how much you mean to me. But I made some mistakes in life and I’ll always regret those. I’ll regret leaving you most of all, because you are the most innocent, beautiful, amazing thing to ever happen to me. I can guarantee that.
I don’t want to make this letter too long, so I’ll leave you with this: I love you so much, Madeline, and I hope that one day you and I can meet. Maybe you’ll hate me, maybe you won’t, but I’d love the chance one day to get to see you and the beautiful young woman you’ve become.
Love,
Sam
Sebastian regretted opening the letter when he finished it. By the time he did, his whole chest ached. Maddie let out a squeal from the living room and he looked up, and she was watching him with a curious expression. “C’mere,” he muttered, walking over to her to lift her up.
Maddie buried her face in Sebastian’s chest as though she knew he just needed a hug and needed some sort of comfort. He had to sit down with the swell of emotions he was feeling. It was all too much for him to handle. Maddie stayed curled up against his chest as long as Sebastian needed her, and he’d never been more thankful to have her in his life than he was in that moment. Especially since now more than ever, Sebastian was lost and confused and didn’t know what to do.