the thought of me repulses me.

Jim Carroll is dead. 

"I have begun this diary as a safeguard, a control against a suicidal impulse to declare myself openly. I'm writing it in a corner of my room, out of the range of the tele-screen. But what I write here and whether I go on with this will make no difference. I have committed the essential crime by thinking of a diary. Thoughtcrime is death."