Fic: Before There’s a Chance to Begin (4/5)
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Chris felt tense as he sat on the couch in Zach’s dorm common room. He tried to look at his friend without blushing but it was difficult when all he could think about was what he had been doing with John’s present a night ago. He was continuously crossing his legs and readjusting himself, hoping Zach was so focused on the movie they were watching that he wouldn’t notice.
They were watching an old Hitchcock film which was assigned as “mandatory viewing” that week for film class. What was supposed to happen was all the students would gather in the lecture hall for a viewing party but often enough Zach would own the film or find it on sale at the movie store in the city. So Chris would stay at Zach’s residence for dinner (usually the menu consisted of KD or Chef Boyardee straight out of the pot) until the movie was finished. Although there were some nights that had gone late and Chris would stay the night, wrapped in blankets that smelled like Captain Black’s-Zach’s favourite brand of cigarettes-as they slept on the couch in the common room.
Chris really loved classic films but compared to Zach sitting right beside him it wasn’t doing a whole lot to hold his attention. The people on screen were talking about something, which was obviously supposed to be interesting, while at a train station. Or was it an airport? He looked at the TV trying to remember but the location changed to a scene in a hotel room.
“What the fuck is happening in this movie?” Chris asked. He was legitimately curious but also thought that maybe starting a conversation would distract him from the tightness of his pants.
“This girl is helping out the bad guys but the main guy doesn’t know that. But I think he just caught on...” Zach tried to analyze the movie as the man pretended to take a shower. “Yeah I think he knows now.”
“Oh...” Chris feigned interest but really he was starting to wonder just how long this movie was. He kept glancing at Zach, relaxed and warm-looking (was that possible? For a person to look warm?) which was a lot more intriguing than the man in the film who was now at an art auction. Chris looked discreetly back at Zach who sat with his eyes slightly closed and sinking into the couch. Chris wanted to lean against him maybe just a little. Zach’s legs were drawn up under him and his feet, in their black socks, were close to touching Chris’s thigh. His casual v-neck shirt was showcasing a lot of chest hair and it was also riding up just a little so that Chris could spot the pale skin of Zach’s hip.
A laugh from Zach disrupted Chris’s observation. Zach glanced over when Chris didn't laugh as well.“Dude,” Zach said, smiling at Chris. “Are you even watching?”
“No, I think I’ll have to get this on Netflix before the exam...” Chris looked at the TV to yet another change of scene. This time the man was in a cop car. “I have no idea what’s happening.”
“Are you tired? I could walk you home if you want.”
Chris didn’t want to return home though; it had been awhile since they had just hung out and he shook his head.
“Nah, I just can’t focus.” Chris thought about maybe suggesting they watch something else that he had seen so that he could keep up and keep an eye on Zach.
Zach narrowed his eyebrows. “You’re still freaking out, aren’t you?”
“I’m not freaking out!” Chris’s voice squeaked at the end.
Zach appeared to accept Chris’s answer this time and sighed out, “Okay. Well, what time’s your first class tomorrow?”
“First class is at ten and then I’m free until four,” He scooted over a little closer to Zach and he could feel the heat from Zach’s body emanating from just a few inches away. “How about you?”
“Free day,” Zach smiled, his eyes gleaming as Chris looked at him with jealousy.
Damn, his eyes are nice, Chris thought as he licked at his bottom lip. They were dark but when he looked close enough he could spot a warm brown colour. It was almost like liquid gold and Chris could just make out the little line on Zach’s eye from the contact lens. Chris moved his own eyes downward to Zach’s nose. It was fairly big but not in a comedic kind of way. It suited his face and Chris thought of maybe nipping at it, teeth biting as Zach playfully pushed him away. Zach’s mouth was perfect though. It was always opened just a little to reveal a glimmer of white teeth surrounded by bright pink, slightly chapped lips. Chris licked at his own mouth and leaned forward to place a kiss on Zach’s lips.
And received a slap across the cheek.
“Ow!” Chris exclaimed.
Zach looked about ready to punch Chris in the face. “What the fuck, Chris!”
Chris backed away at Zach’s confused expression. “Shit,” Chris stood up. “I’m sorry... Maybe I should go-”
Zach grabbed his arm roughly. “No! You are going to tell me what the fuck is going on right now!”
“Nothing! Nothing! I didn’t mean to do what I did!”
“Fucking coward!” Zach shouted. “Are you just screwing with me?”
“No!” Chris countered. And, shit, he really wished he wasn’t here. “I was just...”
“You better have a good fucking excuse.”
Chris bared his teeth like a wild animal might do when they were being attacked. He didn’t need an excuse! He was just interested and a little confused. And now his head was spinning as he tried to figure out what to say. Yeah, he wanted Zach but not when he was being a dick. “Fuck you!” Chris snarled and turned on his heel, running for the door.
***
Chris sat at his laptop, typing up a paper. He hadn’t eaten since last night and couldn’t bring himself to actually stand up and make anything remotely edible. He was depressed and really, really befuddled about everything that was happening. His body felt heavy, like it was a dead thing that was just attached to him. When he had woken up that morning and remembered what had happened the night before, he had been physically ill, puking in the trash can by his bed. Just thinking about how Zach had slapped him and the look he had given him made him feel sick. When he was done vomiting, he was left feeling confused and lonely. He’d never really been “in love” before but he wondered if this was what it felt like? He was still waiting for all the warm fuzzy feelings and the birds singing as he walked down the street. Maybe those came later.
Chris allowed his forehead to droop onto his keyboard and felt the way his sweaty skin stuck to the keys. It was weird the things he focused on when he was trying to not think about everything else. He’d spent at least a good half hour looking at his hands instead of letting his mind drift to thoughts of Zach.
He turned his head towards his bed beside the desk and heaved a sigh. Seeing John’s present from the sex store on his bedside table made him feel even more pathetic and there was a bit of self-loathing seeping in now as well.
Chris thought of texting John but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t want to talk about what had happened and what an idiot he was and how John would try and comfort him but Chris knew all the pep talks in the world couldn’t help him. Usually in situations like this where he didn’t want cheering up but just a person to share with, he would call Zach.
Chris felt an uncomfortable chill in his gut when he even thought the name.
He tilted his head a little to look out the window above his bed. It was a beautiful sunny November day and somehow that only made him more upset. The whole world was happy and cheerful or whatever the fuck else and there he was wallowing inside. He didn’t want to sit and be consumed by all of this frustration but he didn’t want to do anything else. He gave another heavy sigh and stood up with leaden limbs f
He was going back to bed.
***
After a week without speaking to Zach, Chris found he was pretty good at holding a grudge. Although it did help that he was past the anger stage and mainly just embarrassed about the whole situation now. So it was more avoidance than an actual grudge. Despite the lack of social interaction, Chris hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Zach and the way he had looked so pissed on the night of the kiss. He still hadn't told tell John what had happened but it was obvious that he suspected something was going on.
John dragged him to a party after he’d grown tired of seeing Chris holed up in their room all the time. It was a nice gesture but Chris was really not feeling the party atmosphere. Everyone was smiling and cozying up with a partner as he stood against the wall, alone. Chris wished he could have fun just enjoying the atmosphere but he felt so out of place. After twenty minutes had passed, Chris sighed and thought about heading back to his room. Only to be stopped by a hand on his shoulder.
“Hey,” the guy said as he slithered up next to Chris, the smell of alcohol heavy on his breath.
“Hi..,” Chris shuffled over a little further away.
“You’re from my American lit class,” he slurred and knocked into Chris.
“Oh yeah...” Chris couldn’t remember ever seeing him but nodded his head in agreement. “Did you finish that paper that’s due this week?”
The guy-who Chris was now calling “American Lit” based off his limited knowledge-towered over Chris and gave a grumble which Chris assumed was an agreement? It was a little difficult to tell. American Lit leaned closer with hooded eyes. “Those jeans look good on you.”
Chris’s eyebrows rose to his hairline. Is he hitting on me? Chris wondered. “Th-thanks,” he said, stumbling over his words.
American Lit gave him a hungry look and Chris licked at his mouth. It was more of a nervous thing but it obviously grabbed the guy’s attention. American Lit was definitely hitting on him.
“Do you wanna go somewhere?” American Lit flirted. “My room’s across the hall...”
“Uh,” Chris felt his heart beating fast but there was also a little excitement rising in his chest. It had been awhile since he’d gotten any action and the guy was alright-looking. The image of Zach looking angry and smacking him away made his expression fall for just a second. Well at least there was someone out there who wanted him. Chris had a moment of hesitation before he nodded, following American Lit out of the party.
***
The music could easily be heard booming from the room over. The dorm was messy, which Chris had sort of expected, and it was decorated with pictures from parties, of busty girls and there was a large poster of an incredibly muscled man behind the door. And, besides the stale smell of beer and sugary candy, it wasn’t an overly bad place to fool around with a guy, Chris thought.
Chris was a little unsure what to do. With girls it was kind of different, not that he’d been with a lot of girls. There had been really only that one time at Spring Formal where his date had jacked him off in the limo but, still, it was something. He looked to the guy to see if he was going to take the lead or if there would be foreplay or something. Chris released a nervous breath and the guy moved to touch at Chris’s chest with fumbling fingers.
He couldn’t stop thinking about how huge the hands were that touched his body. He squirmed a little at how completely unfeminine they were and how insistent and almost rough they felt. Chris also was strangely obsessed with how tall the guy was. Usually girls were these tiny little things whereas this guys was burly and had the shoulders of a football player. Chris thought of Zach’s lean body and how he wanted so badly to touch him and feel the coarse chest hair between his fingers.
The guy had green eyes, Chris noted, and they somehow seemed cold and almost frightening compared to Zach’s warm brown ones. American Lit moved in closer and Chris closed his own eyes, trying to focus on the scratchy stubble as the guy began to mouth against his neck. Chris ran his fingers over the scruff, tracing the jaw line which wasn’t nearly as strong as Zach’s and there was a scar on his chin which distracted Chris from his fantasy. And American Lit kind of reeked of beer which overwhelmed his senses.
Chris gave a squeak as he was pushed on to the bed, American Lit dropping himself on top of him. Chris’s nostrils were filled with the smell of booze now and he had to pull away to breathe in the stinky smell of unwashed bed sheets. He struggled to move and the guy was clawing at his chest as he grinded into Chris’s thigh. American Lit was strong, pinning him down under his weight and Chris began to panic a little. Instinct was taking over as he began to desperately move himself on top instead of being forced to be on the bottom.
When American Lit held Chris down by his wrists he felt restless and the panic turned into fear. “Hey!” Chris’s voice came out as a tiny quiver. “Let go, man!”
American Lit smashed his mouth against Chris’s, tongue pushing down his throat, and Chris began to flail underneath him, arms and legs moving in furious motions. When he felt American Lit press the bulge of his pants against Chris’s crotch and a hand tugging insistently at his zipper, he began to kick and punch. American Lit was garbling out dirty talk in his ear and Chris pushed his face away. “Fuck, man!” Chris swore and kicked the guy right in the groin.
American Lit grabbed hold of himself and rolled onto his back. Chris took the opportunity to jump to his feet, heart thundering in his ears, and ran towards the door. He wrestled with the door handle, trying to unlock it with shaking fingers, and sprinted out when it finally opened.
“Oof!” Chris slammed into something solid and began to pound his fists against whatever it was that was blocking his way.
“Chris?” Chris blinked and looked up to find Zach looking confused. “Are you okay?”
Chris felt like sinking into Zach’s arms and running away all at the same time. When he heard the sound of the door opening behind him, he jumped and tried to flee.
“Stop fucking running!” Zach grabbed onto Chris’s arm and pulled him back. Chris expected to see Zach looking angry but he just looked tired, just like Chris.
He looked worn out.
The guy in the dorm room was yelling out insults from his doorway. Zach turned to face him and then looked back down at Chris. The need to run was still overpowering and Chris scurried a little closer to the stairs, Zach’s hand still holding his arm. He didn’t want this right now.
Zach glanced at the guy again and then gently pulled Chris by the arm, “C’mon,” he sighed.
Chris didn’t run away. He followed Zach back to the dorm in a fuzzy haze, trying to keep up and avoiding Zach’s touch. He couldn’t stop shaking and flinching from everything. When they arrived at Zach’s room Chris felt relieved to find Zach’s roommate was out somewhere.
Chris glanced about the place as Zach closed the door behind them and turned on the lamp on his desk. It had been awhile since Chris had been in Zach’s room. In fact the last time might have been when Chris had confronted Zach and apologized about not “freaking out”. It was quiet now, peaceful even without all the tension. Chris looked over at the roommate’s side which was covered in empty take out boxes and beer bottles which were on display as if they were trophies. Zach’s side was much neater. There were books and journals on the bookshelf and there were tiny statues of dogs for bookends. Chris liked how quaint and charming the set up was.
“C’mon.” Zach ushered Chris gently over sit on the bed. Chris immediately tensed but then relaxed when he saw Zach sit on the chair at his desk instead of beside him on the bed. There was a pause and Chris turned his attention to his feet instead of looking at Zach. Chris’s mind returned to what had just happened and he began to tremble a little. He could still feel hands holding him down, and he closed his eyes tight, willing the images away.
“You okay..?” Zach asked and Chris opened his eyes to look at him. Zach wasn’t hiding the worry from his face and Chris just shrugged in response.
He wasn’t okay. He was confused and hurt and he just wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere and never have to come into contact with another human being ever again. Fuck this whole year was a big fuck up, Chris thought bitterly. All of the drama that had happened with Zach and now with the guy at the party, Chris felt as if the whole world was against him. Like he wasn’t allowed to be happy or just relax anymore. He felt a lump in his throat as he remembered Zach’s angry face and the guy’s hands on him not ten minutes ago.
Before Chris realized what was happening he felt a tear fall onto his arm. “Sh-shit...” He gulped back a sob and rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hands. “I’m sorry.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Zach said, moving to sit on the edge of his own bed.
Chris hiccoughed and he felt like such a kid right then, crying because someone had bullied him and because he wasn’t getting his way. Chris sucked in a breath and startled when he felt a weight on his foot. Zach was reaching a hand out; touching his toes in what Chris assumed was supposed to be a soothing gesture. The warmth reminded him of the time they had spent in the library, curled up together, and how safe he had felt then. And, like a snot-nosed kid wants his Mom when he’s scraped his knee, Chris reached his hands out, needy for Zach. Zach moved closer and wrapped Chris in a hug.
Again Chris felt overwhelmed with comfort and he nuzzled his face into Zach’s shoulder. Zach wasn’t like the guy from the party: he was gentle and his smell didn’t make him want to vomit. Warm tears were all over Zach’s clothes but he continued to hold Chris. There were a few more little, sad sniffles before they readjusted the way they were sitting so that Chris could lean back into Zach and Zach could lay his chin on Chris’s head. Exhaustion began to take over Chris and he was nearly asleep when he felt Zach twirling a bit of Chris’s hair between his fingers.
The sound of drunken teens was muffled by the glass window but it didn’t bother Chris right then. The laughter and the music was blurred and distorted and Chris ignored it all as snuggled closer to Zach. Again there was that feeling of being anchored down just like he had felt during the first night at college with Zach by his side. The soft snore that fell from Zach broke through Chris’s thoughts and he was soon lulled to sleep
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