Hogwarts Overexposed: Chapter Four
Chapter Four
Listening, But Not Hearing
The screaming had caused an alarm. People were yelling and running in every direction. "Mary Sues!" they screamed. "Kill them all!" Some courageous souls ran toward the girls to slaughter assist them, but most were frantically leaving the area, possessions forgotten, in order to seek shelter within the ship.
The owls had initially gone unobserved as they drew near the ship and circled it predatorily, Neil, did adverbs kill your puppy or something? looking for the recipients of the mail they carried. When they dived as one toward the pool, however, with their wings extended to their full width See, I thought when birds dived, they folded IN their wings, not stretched them out. Silly me, they were unquestionably noticed.
Owls have a rather creepy appearance to them Really? Many people find them adorable, including me, but when you're not accustomed to seeing them and then are suddenly faced with four at once, presumably attacking, they can be down right scary.
"It's all right, Jamie cried, trying to calm some Good Samaritans that had come to her rescue. "We're not Sues! We have flaws! And the author didn't intend for us to be Sues! The owls are trained to deliver messages. They won't harm us, unfortunately; please don't hurt them."
Panicked people, however, have a propensity to not to be rational or listen to reason Well yes. Describing them as "panicked" would tend to imply that they are, in fact, panicking; they continued to splash the birds with water and swing wildly at them with nun-chucks towels. Jamie and the other NAKED girls were barely able to secure their letters before the now frightened birds took flight.
"Are you all okay?" Harry asked, having halted his conversation with Jim and Sam to hurry to the girls' assistance. Sadly, he was unable to save them from the loud and violent mob.
"We're fine," shouted Caitlin, who, like Harry, had no ability to control the volume of her voice, "but I doubt those owls will be in a rush to delivery anySPACEmore letters."
"The poor things. They were just doing their jobs," Kim said. "Since we survived, those poor contract Sue-killers won't be able to feed their families. Maybe we should help them out." The Sues promptly committed suicide because they were so selfless.
"The owls will be all right," Emily the coldhearted, selfish bitch said. "At this minute, I'm more concerned about us."
Emily had good reason to be fretful, for at that moment, three ship employees with ominous expressions on their faces and loaded M-4's in their hands were headed in the group's direction.
* * * * * *
"How did it go?" Hermione asked when Harry returned from speaking with the ship's captain.
"Not good at all," Harry replied, shaking his head in embarrassed frustration. "It would seem that cruise ship captains have an extremely low tolerance for passengers that cause a panic on their ships. How judgmental of the crew to not tolerate passengers who cause a panic on their ship! Next you'll tell me that theater employees have a low tolerance for passengers who yell 'FIRE' during a show! I was given a reprimand and advised that if one more owl descends on this ship, we will be set ashore at the next port and shot."
"He's blaming you?" Hermione asked. She was aghast that anyone could be angry at the perfection that was Harry and his glorious penis.
"Damn, I felt like I was back at Hogwarts and McGonagall was scolding me," Harry said. "It got me so turned on I had no idea what to tell the man. He was already incensed. Had I told him the owls were delivering letters from the Ministry of Magic warning us for gross violations of the International Statute of Secrecy a school, he would have thought I was playing him for a fool."
"So what did you tell him?" Hermione asked, looking at Harry incredulously. She had no idea why she had ended up with him instead of Ron.
"I told him that I was an ornithologist and that I had a government grant to study the feasibility of owls delivering mail."
Cut for more boring dialogue. Hermione tells Harry about how she broke wizarding law by telling Michelle that they are witches and wizards. Harry thinks it's just fine and dandy, because Hermione can do no wrong. You know, I'm not a fan of how casually wizards wipe muggles' memories, but it does seem to be standard operating procedure, so why not just perform a few memory charms?
Oh, and Jamie and Alex and Head Girl and Boy, surprise surprise. We are reminded that Jamie and Alex are Hermione and Harry 2.0, which would explain why their sex scenes are so horrible.
* * * * * *
Day Four, Thursday, August 11, 2005, St. Thomas
"Let's ask her to join us," Kim said. "She's already naked, so that one less thing we have to pressure her into. Now we only have to convince her of the joys of underaged incest been sitting there alone for over an hour and looks truly bored and depressed."
"Have you forgotten whose niece she is?" Emily asked.
"If I recall correctly, you were dating Dick Bancroft's brother last year," Caitlin said. "I thought you believed in judging the individual, not their family tree."
"I do, but that was hardly a good example," Emily retorted. "We all know that came to a disastrous end because I thought it was a good idea to let a boy take lots of pornographic photos of me."
"Are you sure it's over?" Kim inquired.
"Its over!" Emily replied, louder than necessary. It seemed that Harry's volume control issues were highly contagious. "I don't have time for little untrusting boys when there are committing men available." Honey, you are TWELVE. You should not be looking for MEN.
"Please tell me that you're not referring to that git, Roger," Caitlin appealed.
"You're just jealous," Emily replied. "You all wish you could be dating a creepy pedophile!"
SNIP. They ask Angel to join them because they are kind and generous enough to look past her unfortunate, hairy relatives.
* * * * * *
Cut for an "adorable" scene with Jim, Sam, and their children. The children have buried Jim in sand but left his genitals uncovered! Penis jokes abound! Then Jim thinks gets a boner thinking about Sam! I wonder where this is going...
Jim gazed about the beach. With the exception of the vendors, everyone else was indeed nude. Wait, you mean, there are NAKED people on a NUDIST cruise? I am shocked. He stared at Sam, trying to build up his courage. Finally he said, "Perhaps the four of us could get together one evening for some adult type entertainment before the cruise comes to an end."
Sam hesitated for a moment. Ron had expressed a desire to visit the ship's casino, but she hadn't really been interested and neither had Harry or Hermione. After all, gambling was evil, and only a filthy Weasley would be interested in it. She felt extremely guilty that Ron and she had been spending so little time together. Well, maybe if you hadn't PRESSURED him into something that he was CLEARLY UNCOMFORTABLE with, you wouldn't have this problem. Sam is such a selfish bitch. This would be a perfect opportunity to be with both Ron and their new friends.
"We'll be at seamen for two days on our return to Fort Lauderdale," Sam responded. "Perhaps we could plan to do it one of those evenings. Let's make it the first night. That way, if we enjoy ourselves, we can do it again."
Jim was dumbfounded. He had hoped Sam would agree that she was a horribly selfish person, but was exhilarated that she was going as far as considering two evenings.
Jim's faced beamed. "I was afraid you'd turn me down," he said, obviously greatly relieved as he peed all over the sand.
"Normally I would have," Sam replied. "I'm not into that sort of thing, but Ron really wants to give it a try. He's gone through a lot so that Timmy and I could come on this cruise; he deserves to have some fun. I'm going to leave him and kill Harry so he can be with Hermione at last."
"You're a very special woman," Jim said, shaking his head in awe of Hermione's massive tits, which were visible from across the ship. "You must love him and his massive wang a lot."
"I do," Sam said in earnest.
"I'll do my best to make the evening enjoyable and memorable for you," Jim said sweetly.
"I'm sure you will."
So yeah. Neil is setting this up to be a *hilarious* misunderstanding. Jim is referring to swinging when he talks about adult entertainment, and Sam agreed to it, thinking he meant gambling. This, I'm sure, will lead to more fun-filled naked hijinks!
* * * * * *
Cut for Hermione telling Michelle all about the wizarding world. Of course, no conversation can be complete without someone kissing Hermione's ass, so we are treated to lots of that. Then we learn that unicorns only let virgins touch them, which would make Care of Magical Creatures classes really awkward if any of the students had had sex.
I have a question about that. Since Jamie's Animagus form is a unicorn (Sue! Sue! Sue!), what happens now that she gave the Precious Gift (TM) of her virginity to Alex? Would she spontaneously combust if she tried to transform? We can only hope.
* * * * * *
SNIP. Ron and Bonnie are talking. Ron feels guilty about not embracing a nudist lifestyle. Poor Ron. Then Bonnie makes him rub sunscreen ALL over her naked body. At this point, I want to kidnap Ron from this story and take him home with me, where he can wear as many clothes as he likes.
* * * * * *
"We've been looking for you guys everywhere," Jamie shouted as she ran up to Emily. Seriously, what is up with all the shouting in this fic? Why does everyone shout? Or does Neil just have an aversion to the word "said"? He almost never uses it.
"Evidently in all the wrong places," Emily responded in jest. "What did you want us for?"
"It's Orgy Time, of course! The recreation director just posted a notice; there is going to be a talent contest the last evening of the cruise. I thought you might be interested," Jamie suggested.
Emily eyed the other girls, trying to decide which one she would be molesting tonight. "She just wants us to compete so she'll have an easy time of it."
"Not true," Jamie said with a defensive attitude, which was funny considering I found her attitude quite OFFensive, "I'm not even eligible to participate. Contestants must be at least ten and no older than fifteen, because Neil wanted an excuse to think about naked twelve-year-old girls performing. Felicite's younger sister Monica is going to enter the quicksand pit; we just thought you guys might be interested in a slow, painful death."
"When you say talent, I assume you mean singing, dancing or playing some sort of instrument NAKED," Caitlin said. "That most certainly leaves me out, since my only talent is extreme angst."
"I only have a talent for appearing in the author's wet dreams getting into trouble," Emily said with a laugh. "What about youCOMMA Angel?"
"I might give it a try," she answered. "It might be fun to be wank material."
"Kim, you have a great voice when you scream at me to stop touching you," Emily stated. "Why don't you enter?"
"Me?" Kim said. "I only sing in the shower. Besides I could never get up on a stage like this." She indicated her lack of clothing. "I'd die of embarrassment." And, once again, Kim expresses her reluctance to be nude. Her objections will be disregarded, and she will be pressured to perform.
Roz interrupts and is angry that Angel is hanging out with the Sues. I really can't blame her.
* * * * * *
"Ron, you really don't know what you're missing," Bonnie said as she stood near the bow of the boat, the sea breeze and Hellfire missiles striking her nude body and causing her hair to fly about.
"That's what Sam keeps telling me," Ron answered despondently. "I've told her a hundred times that I'm not comfortable with nudism, but she keeps pushing me. She thinks I'd be fine once I got over the initial effects. How do you do it? I can't envision taking my pants off and you purposely open yourself to inspection when you dance." Inspection? Huh. Usually, when I dance, I'm concentrating on dancing, not "inspecting" the bodies of those around me. I might notice them, but I don't inspect. That's just creepy. Of course, I've never been to a nudist dance club, so maybe that's my problem.
"We're different people, from different backgrounds," Bonnie explained. "You're shy Oh, so now not wanting to wave your penis about is being shy? and I'm a bit of an exhibitionist. Plus you must remember that I rarely ever wear clothes. What is an earth shattering experience to you is my everyday lifestyle."
"Want to hear something silly?" Bonnie asked, actually blushing. "A part of me hopes you never take your clothes off; I'd miss the mystique. Also, I hear that werewolves have horribly misshapen penises. Of course, another part, the bad part, wants to see you nude. Preferably with a hard-on."
"Are you purposely trying to give me one?" Ron questioned. "Let's talk about something else."
Bonnie seemed to ignore Ron's comment the same way everyone seemed to ignore Ron's objections as she started into what almost seemed like a rehearsed speech. "Jim and I were talking about you and Sam last night before we went to bed. We were both hoping to meet a special couple on this cruise, a couple we could swap good times with, and we think you and Sam are perfect. Its fun playing chess with you," she continued, "I hope we can do it for the remainder of the cruise. Jim and I have also both enjoyed the times we've spent with the children."
Bonnie took a deep breath, which had an amazing affect on her breasts. They turned purple, spun around, and began to sing the national anthem. "Ron, Jim and I were wondering if you and Sam would consider getting together with us for a little adult typeing recreation before the cruise ends."
Finally, Ron thought to himself, someone who wants to spend some time practicing their touch-type technique in the casino.
"You can't possibly imagine how much I'd like to do that," Ron said enthusiastically. "I've been trying to get up to 80 wpm for some time talk Harry and Hermione into it ever since we left port, but for some reason they think its wrong. I told them we didn't have to do it the entire night, just a quick in and out to see whether we liked it or not, but they outright refused."
Bonnie looked at Ron with a combination of surprise, happiness and confusion. She had hoped he'd agree, but his exuberance had caught her entirely off guard. "Jim and I had at first considered approaching Harry and Hermione, since they are perfect in every way, with the idea, but after you've done this a few times you can pretty much tell who might or might not be interested."
SNIP. More hilarious misunderstanding and euphemisms! Ha ha ha. This story is just a laugh a minute.
* * * * * *
SNIP. Ginny and Draco get a large tropical bird from Sam. Even in the letter, there is much talk of Ron's constant erections. What wife writes to her sister-in-law about that?!? Then Ginny blows Draco, but only after he uses the word "placid" instead of "flaccid."
* * * * * *
Day Five, Friday, August 12, 2005, St. Kitts
They arrive at St. Kitts, which is a bastion of evil because clothing is required. Emily decides to wear her floral sundress. Remember the one she wore in the last fic that barely covered anything, and then she had a vision and Tyler was forced to grope her boobs to cover them up? Yeah, I can see this going well.
* * * * * *
Caitlin quickly slipped on a skirt and mini top, then rushed next door to Emily and Kim's room, where Kim was just finishing disemboweling Emily and strangling her with her own intestines tucking her blouse into her skirt. Meanwhile, Emily, who also had already dressed, was adjusting her rucksack. Caitlin was delightfully surprised to see that Emily was wearing a skirt and top and not her infamous sundress.
"How did you talk her into not wearing the dress from Hell?" Caitlin asked Kim.
"I didn't," Kim answered. "One look in the mirror and she decided to face reality."
"I must have grown two inches this summer," Emily said, shaking her head in astonishment. "My whole twat ARGH I HATE THAT WORD showed. I"m a nudist, not an exhibitionist." Actually, Emily, you PERSONIFY exhibitionism.
Cut for pointless dialogue about their plans. They are going to go hiking with the boys they met on the cruise. Once they get into the forest, they take off their clothes. Kim doesn't want to, but once again, she is pressured into it.
* * * * * *
The group, despite stopping numerous times to admire flowers and other tropical vegetation, made excellent time reaching the base of Mount Liamuiga, where they picnicked on the beverages and snacks that Emily had thoughtfully packed. It was all poisoned, and they all died agonizing deaths.
"That was fun," Kim acknowledged as she finished off a second beverage. "Although I doubt I'll ever be as zealous a nudist as the group of you, I have to agree this was certainly fun and harmed no one except for all the poor, innocent jungle creatures who are currently plucking out their eyes."
See kids? If you force someone to do something, they'll enjoy it eventually!
"That's my argument with current laws," Emily declared. "In a free world, people should be allowed to do as they please as long as it doesn't infringe on the rights of others. I don't understand how my being nude encroaches on someone else's rights." Well, your being nude encroaches on my right to NOT BURN MY EYES OUT WITH A SOLDERING GUN, you obnoxious child. Did it ever occur to you that not everyone wants to see prepubescent pudenda everywhere they go? Probably not, because that is Neil's idea of heaven.
"Neither do I," agreed Caitlin, "but it's not us you have to convince. Are we going to climb the volcano or give head back?"
"I think we should head back," Brian remarked. "It will give you girls more time to shop before we have to catch the boat back to the ship. Emily, is that knapsack as empty as your head? If it is, we can all stick our clothes in it until we near the beach. I'll carry it for you since I am a strong man, and you are but a weak woman."
"There is just one beverage left," Emily answered. "Does anyone want it? I personally couldn't drink another drop of this delicious arsenic."
Everyone shook his or her head except Kim. "I hate to see it go to waste," she said reaching for the drink. "They're awfully good."
After depositing their trash in one of the inconspicuous containers provided, they turned and headed back in the direction of the beach on the same path they had used to enter the forest.
I have a REALLY BAD FEELING about Kim taking the last drink. Knowing Neil's track record, it's going to be used as an excuse to have Kim pee all over herself. This would be, what, the third time it's happened in the series?
* * * * * *
Hermione tells Michelle about being kidnapped and about the stupid prophecy Emily made when she was wiggling around in the Great Hall practically naked. This gives Neil an excuse to write down the prophecy again so we can marvel at his prophecy writing skills. Then we have more Hermione ass-kissing. It's nauseating.
* * * * * *
"Hold up a minute will you," Emily said, as the group made there way back the path.
Without out any further explanation, she stepped just off the path and squatted.
But she's not an exhibitionist, oh no!
Everyone seemed transfixed as they watched. Yeah, because that's the normal reaction when someone pees in front of you. Not to, you know, LOOK AWAY. Only Kim seemed able to verbalize. "Emily, what in the world are you doing?" she asked, taken aback.
"I would think that was fairly obvious," Emily answered, still crouched. "I have to pee." Then for the first time, she noticed the varied expressions on her companions' faces. "Haven't any of you ever seen someone pee before?" she asked in disbelief.
"No," answered Jeff, who was the first to recover his senses. "Most people have the common decency to NOT pee in public."
"Our family did a lot of hiking when I was younger," Emily explained. "When nature calls, you either answer the call or feel miserable until you do. OK, but would it kill you to go behind a tree or something? My parents taught Jamie and me to not to be embarrassed by what were totally natural acts." Just because it's natural doesn't mean you should do it in public, dear.
Caitlin looked like she had a question on the tip of her tongue, but Brian asked it first. "What if you had to do the other thing?" he asked awkwardly.
"That would depend on the surroundings," Emily answered. "If the ground cover was such that you could see where you were walking, we'd normally go off behind a bush or tree. Under these heavy growth circumstances, I wouldn't consider leaving the path."
"Well I for one am glad you had to go, because I've been dying to take a piss," Mark said, as he began to relieve himself onto the nearby subway track. He was immediately electrocuted vegetation. Within seconds the other two boys were doing likewise.
"I can't believe I'm going to do this in public," Caitlin said, as she nervously squatted.
Only Kim, who had drank more than any of the others, refused to relieve herself and insisted that she didn't need to go when, in fact, she felt like her bladder was about to burst. She was determined that somehow she would hold it. Hold it! Kim, you're in "Hogwarts Exposed." You're going to pee on yourself because it makes the author happy in his pants.
As they continued on their way, everyone's spirits, other than Kim's seemed higher.
Neil, you are SICK. Words cannot describe how sick you are.
You know that scene in the Boondock Saints where Rocco kills a guy by beating his head in with a billiard ball, all the while screaming "SICK FUCK!" over and over again? I need that clip for moments like this.
* * * * * *
Suddenly, Brian came to an abrupt halt. "We're back at the beach already," he said in surprise.
"Wonderful," exclaimed Kim. She knew where her first stop would be. She was going to jump off a cliff to escape the Sues.
"Not a soul saw us," Emily proclaimed happily. "I knew we'd get away with it."
"That's where you are wrong," said a livid voice. "You're all under arrest for indecent exposure. The penalty is death by a thousand rusty sporks."
End of Chapter Four
Chapter Three: New Friends ~ Table of Contents ~ Chapter Five: Crime and Punishment