Family Matters: Chapter Eight
Chapter 8
July thirty-first came around, and it was going to be a busy day for the Sue Assassins. There were so many Sues and Stus to kill that they were seriously considering outsourcing.
Harry awoke at five-thirty in the morning, as was his usual for his birthday. Really? He didn't know why that was the case. Neither do I. Does all this have a point? Actually, yes I do. MAKE UP YOUR MIND! Also, the constant switches between first and third person are incredibly grating. This was always the day I worked extra hard around the Dursley house. I'm sorry, I didn't see any evidence of that IN CANON. I didn't even begin to think about enjoying my birthday until I got to Hogwarts and made friends. He moved and felt weight on his left arm. He turned to find Hermione asleepdead on his left shoulder, her hair everywhere and her face free of skin cares. I know I thank you every night, whoever you are out there, but thank you again for bringing such beauty into my life. BARFFFF. He kissed her cheek and carefully disengaged from her, reluctantly. Disengaged from her? Is Kinsfire implying that he spent the whole night with his dick inside her? How unhygienic. So today I begin my life forever free of the Dursleys. In a way, it's a pity. I wish Aunt Petunia were salvageable. But that would hinder the angst! She had one last connection to her dead sister, and she threw it away. Honestly, if my sister had given birth to a twit like this version of Harry, I'd spit on her grave. He snorted derisively.
He walked into the family room and picked up a book. He was more than a little annoyed at the fact that someone had managed to schedule the start of Vernon's trial for that day. I understand that such a fast trial date is unheard of. I wonder if anyone in the Ministry twisted a few arms? I wonder if they chose today’s date on purpose? I wonder if it would be possible for me to CARE EVEN LESS.
He'd been reading for a few minutes before he began to chuckle quietly. I just realized what I picked up to take my mind off things, he thought as he closed Hogwarts, A History. I guess Hermione is rubbing off on me. That's not all she's rubbing off! Hey-o!
…
Get your mind out of the gutter!
Why? It's fun!
You're blocking my snorkel! He laughed to himself. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? IS HARRY TURNING INTO GOLLUM? That would probably improve things, actually. Especially if he met the same fate.
"What's so funny, Harry?" Helen Granger asked as she came out from her bedroom, Doug right behind her.
He jumped to his feet and swept the both of them into a hug. "Thank you for the greatest present anyone has ever gotten! This butt plug is just what I wanted! If not for you two, there would be no Hermione. I could be happy never receiving another gift ever again in my lifetime, knowing that she exists." Eurgh. I feel queasy.
"You're welcome, but you still haven't explained what was so funny," Doug smiled at him.
"I was just joking with myself - thought something that could be taken two ways," he replied. "The fact that I can do that right now, after these last few months? That's all because I've finally embraced my inner psychosis of you three."
"It's mostly because of Hermione," Helen said.
"True, but as I said, where would Hermione be without such wonderful parents?" He laughed again. "I don't know if I'll ever stop thanking you for producing the most beautiful woman ever to grace the world." PEOPLE DO NOT TALK LIKE THIS IN THE REAL WORLD. AND IF THEY DO, I KICK THEM. HARD.
"Why are you giving us presents on your birthday?" said a tired voice behind him. He turned to face Hermione, and ran over to swoop her into a hug.
"Because you deserve them!" he cried happily. "For simply being you!" He kissed her rather thoroughly. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH PLEASE STOP THIS IS DISGUSTING. THERE WAS BETTER ROMANTIC DIALOGUE IN 'ATTACK OF THE CLONES.'
"If you keep that up, Mister Potter, you're going to be late to the courthouse, because I'll consider it my duty to trip you and beat you to the floor, as Robert Heinlein used to say," she purred at him.
First of all, I really can't see Hermione being big into science fiction. It seems wildly out of character. I should probably be used to that by now. Second of all, I guess that explains a lot about Kinsfire. Here's a quote I found on Wikipedia that I found particularly enlightening:
"Gary Westfahl points out that 'Heinlein is a problematic case for feminists; on the one hand, his works often feature strong female characters and vigorous statements that women are equal to or even superior to men; but these characters and statements often reflect hopelessly stereotypical attitudes about typical female attributes. It is disconcerting, for example, that in Expanded Universe Heinlein calls for a society where all lawyers and politicians are women, essentially on the grounds that they possess a mysterious feminine practicality that men cannot duplicate.'"
Oh, and Heinlein also wrote a lot of incest and pedophilia.
“Why must you put difficult decisions before me, my love?” he laughed. He twirled her around once and said, “I’m free of them today! I don’t even have to sign any paperwork - I just decide I’m not living with them anymore!” Yeah, if that were possible, you'd think that it would have been mentioned IN CANON. He did a little dance that had the three Grangers laughing hysterically within moments.
“Breakfast first,” Helen finally said, “and then we get ready for the courthouse.”
Harry bounced into the kitchen. WHAT THE FUCK. “What does everyone want?”
“Out!” Helen laughed. “It’s your birthday, you are not cooking.”
He bowed and permitted her to take him from behind control of her own kitchen. A short time later, they were on the long drive to the courthouse, all properly dressed for a day in court.
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They go to court, and Harry is obnoxious. I'm skipping the parts with the Dursleys in them, because their characterization really bugs me. The way they treated Harry in canon was bad enough--I hate when fanfic authors feel the need to take things over the top.
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More people show up to kiss Harry's ass. People say that they always knew that Harry and Hermione would get together. I would like to know which version of the books they read. Then Hermione and McGonagall have a conversation about Heinlein and how great he is. It is extremely jarring.
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Harry freaks out about having to testify, because Vernon always wins or something. It's a total dead herring, because we all know that Harry and Hermione are going to live nakedly ever after.
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Blah blah blah. Harry pretends that Hogwarts is a normal school, and Vernon's lawyer is compared to a shark. How original.
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Harry sat through another two hours of questioning from the Crown's prosecutor, bringing out the treatment at the Dursley hands. He was there as information came out, again and again, how radically different his upbringing had been from the average child's. Documentation of James Potter's Muggle assets came forward, and Harry had been astonished. He learned quickly that these were above and beyond what was in Gringott's. Ah yes, because it's not a TRUE Harry-Stu until he's obscenely wealthy. The amount of money paid per month for his upkeep would have kept him quite comfortable.
Hermione was getting scared. After his outburst to his uncle, Harry had gone cold. He had gone inside himself. Wow, his dick is that long? She knew how difficult it was to break him free of that when that had happened. What's worse is that he's going to fake being happy, for me.
Damn it, we were supposed to be getting handfasted today, and this has to happen. Today, of all days! She wiped viciously at her eyes, trying not to cry, while Helen Granger put her arm around her shoulders. WAH WAH WAH.
Eventually, the questioning was over, and he was released for the day, with the admonition that he needed to be available for further questioning at another time. Well, we’ll be with him for the next few days, Hermione thought. He nodded and walked from the courtroom.
They followed him out the door, where he sat down and clenched his fists. Blood began to seep through the bandages. If this was any more emo, he'd be crying tears of blood or something. “I am working very, very hard at not letting my emotions get the worst of me. I hadn’t thought it possible to hate Vernon Dursley more than I already did. I starved and slaved for them, and they took money meant to raise me and spent it on themselves!” He was shaking with rage.
Douglas Granger touched his shoulder and said, “Harry, I know it doesn’t help much, but I’m sure that a bug can be put in the Crown’s ear on this matter. Force the Dursleys to pay back what was stolen from you.”
“I suppose,” he murmured.
Molly interjected. “They’re done with you for the day, right, Harry?” When he nodded, she said, “Well, we should see to that hand.” She grabbed his arm and began to pull him toward the rest rooms. Bow chikka bow wow! Ronald's mom has got it going on! Minerva and Hermione followed in her wake.
They began to chuckle as they realized that Molly was dragging him into the ladies room. Harry froze, causing Molly to stop in her tracks. “That’s … “
“Hermione, dear, will you be a dear and head in to warn any ladies that we’re bringing a man into the room, for medical reasons?” Hermione chuckled and did as asked, discovering that the room was empty. Harry was quickly dragged into the room. What the hell. This is stupid. I don't even have the energy to capslock anymore.
Hermione couldn’t hold it in anymore; she began laughing. “Harry, you’ve faced Voldemort multiple times, and you’re terrified of being in the ladies rest rooms?” Well, he might see a tampon or something! That would be horrible! I hear they can steal your soul if you stare directly into the applicator. The others flinched at the mention of the Dark Lord.
“Him I understand. ‘Kill Harry Potter and take over the world.’ Simple. Girls are a mystery.” DUR HUR WIMMINZ ARE LIKE A DIFFERENT SPECIES DUR HUR. He said it with such honesty and sincerity, and with such a straight face that Hermione hugged him gently as she chuckled.
“Well, you’ll have a long life trying to figure us out,” Minerva smiled as she began unwrapping his hand. “Once this is unwrapped, we’ll clean the bandages and wrap the hand again until you leave the building.” In short order, Harry’s hand was back to its previous unburned state. Molly Scourgified his bandages, and they quickly had them back on his hand, just as someone entered the room. “We needed somewhere to tend to his hand,” Minerva explained at the woman’s shocked look. They rushed Harry from the room. WHY DOES THIS STORY EXIST?
"What took so long?" Ron asked.
Harry turned to the ladies, and his eyes sparkled for just a moment. "Do I have permission to tell him about the Jacuzzi and the masseuse? Or will we need to be Obliviated now?" My head hurts.
"Huh! So it's true!" Fred and George said in unison.
"Alicia told us," George said.
"And Angelina backed her up," Fred added. Hermione caught the twinkle in their eyes, and the wide look in Ron's.
"Can we keep you boys sworn to secrecy?" Helen asked. "I'd really hate to have to tell the Sisterhood that we have to change everything now." WHAT THE FUCK. I THINK KINSFIRE HAS HAD LESS INTERACTION WITH REAL WOMEN THAN NEIL HAS.
Ginny looked at Helen with annoyance. "Great. Now they know about the Sisterhood. Now they need to be Obliviated. Warn their girlfriends that they need to go onto full snog alert." If you'll excuse me, I'll be hiding under my desk, crying.
Hermione grabbed Harry without warning and proceeded to kiss him rather thoroughly. His arms flapped a bit uselessly at first, but then he flew away moved to enfold her, and began to return the kiss with interest. When the kiss finally broke, she was blinking. "What were we talking about?" she asked breathlessly.
"Getting out of here for a wedding," Helen said firmly. "We need to get moving." She took charge of the group, and in short order they were packed into the Granger van and the Ministry car that the Weasley family had managed to secure, and headed back to the Granger household. How does this story have positive reviews? No wonder Twilight is so popular! If people like this crap, they'll read anything!
Chapter 7 ~ Table of Contents ~ Chapter 9