[private]

[subversion]

It's been a few hours. No, the tea didn't help; he's nervous, twitchy, can't keep still. Obviously the thing to do is wall himself up in a kitchen and cook with ridiculous amounts of onions.

[[OOC: private to stripesandheels. Adult content further down.]]

Comments

[stripesandheels]

[She makes it back, mostly intact- no. Who is she kidding? One thigh high has come off her garter belt, and rolled down. Her dress is rumpled, her hair is a mess. She ignores him, as she comes into the room, and drifts to the cupboard to get a glass down for water.

Higher than a fucking kite, would be the expression.]

[subversion]

There's not much to read. It's mostly pictures.

[And, clearing some space for the lidded bowl he's carrying, he lays them out across the table, in front of her: three almost identical pictures of thirteen almost identical figures.]

"Others got sex and cosplay mixed up". I don't know, it sounds as if they had the right idea to me. [Perfectly straight-faced.]

[stripesandheels]

That would be so much less creepy if he weren't a murderer. As it is, it's still kind of cute.

Hey, here's one. Up for some Near and Mello?

[subversion]

[Leafing through page after page, with expressions varying from indifference to amusement to shock. They look almost the same.]

Why not?

Are any of these not gay?

[stripesandheels]

L fingering girl you. Mello fingering girl me.

[subversion]

-no.

[That's it. Just no.]

I'm almost sure I'm not a girl, you know. This is an insidious room.

[stripesandheels]

Oh, come on. It's porn, it's supposed to be like this.

[She begins a dramatic reading of the first one, complete with an appropriately clipped-yet-husky girl!Light voice for the dialogue.]

[subversion]

I don't sound anything like that.

[Protesting, hiding a smile.]

Why is he calling her -chan? That's so demeaning.

[stripesandheels]

[Not half as demeaning as what happens next, really. Matt makes it sound good.]

[subversion]

[And for all that, he still manages a cry of disgust as she wraps.]

That would never happen. Not if I was a girl. Not if I was in some bizarre parallel dimension where Ryuuzaki was attractive, or a human being at all.

[More awkward than he'd like, he sits, takes the lid off his fried rice, and picks up a promising-looking sheet.]

" L Fucks A Watermelon."

[stripesandheels]

Holy Mary mother of God.

[subversion]

Yes, quite.

[The smirk on his face is wicked. He hates L more than anyone else in the mansion. Scanning down the page, he makes a noise of disapproval.]

This doesn't end well for me either. Who'd have thought it?

[And his reading's perfectly deadpan; it's just how he might have read aloud in class, except for a trace of suggestion here and there. His refusal to react is almost a parody of itself.]

[stripesandheels]

[By the end of it, Matt has her face rested in her hands and is laughing uncontrollably. Hard, hurt-your-ribs laughter.]

[subversion]

I don't know if I object more to the watermelon or the handcuffs. [Which he has no idea ever happened for real, of course.] I can at least picture him with fruit.

[Leaning forward, he starts on the rice.]

Your turn, anyway. Make it a good one.

[stripesandheels]

Hoo, boy.

[Getting control of herself, and digging through for the next paper.]

How about- ooh, girl Near and girl Mello lesbian smut.

[subversion]

I still haven't met a boy Mello, you know. But go ahead.

[Sitting back, with the bowl in one hand, as if he's daring her to make him drop it.]