FIC: If I hadn't.. (Jungmo/Jay TRAX)
Title: "If I hadn't"
Topic: Jungmo/Jay (TRAX)
Warnings: Not beta'd. :'(
Summary: After Jungwoo leaves, Jay blames himself.
Notes: This is for lefty_215 who really deserved better, because she drew me a beautiful Jay Kim chibi and has loaded me up with amazing TRAX clips. ♥ I was never really sure where I was going with this, and I was in a bit of a horrible mood when I wrote the ending - so I kind of forced it to be happier than I originally planned lolz. But happy endings are good!
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We weren't at the top, but we were successful - comfortable - happy, or so we thought. Then Jungwoo left, just like Minwoo left, just like Yoshiki left...
The news hit us hard, but it hit Jay worse. I had to watch him spend the rest of the day wordlessly glaring at the carpet. I didn't have words for him. I was worried myself, about what was next to come. Could we go on after losing another member? Did we want to?
I didn't. No matter what, I wanted to stay with Jay. Under a new name, sure. Under a new label, sure. It didn't matter. I just knew I would continue doing music no matter what, and I knew that I wanted Jay's voice behind it. My thoughts, at that time, were all music.
Then we got home. I went straight to my room, huffing while stripping off accessories and emptying my pockets. It was one of those tiring days that made me just want to eat, shower, and climb in bed. So I turned back out of my room, hoping that Jay and I would quickly agree on what to get for dinner.
When I stepped into our den, Jay was hunched over on our couch. His hands clutched his hair while that glare of his was still set on the floor. I'm surprised he even noticed me, but he did, because he suddenly spoke.
"If I hadn't..."
I stared, waiting. I knew he couldn't finish that sentence with anything that wasn't pure nonsense, so I silently dared him to. Unsurprisingly, a long silent moment passed before he sighed in surrender.
"You didn't do anything." I said, stepping over to join him on the couch. I sat close, watching him carefully. His hooded glare was softening, but his lips were tightening. It's hard to read Jay Kim if you don't know him as well as I do, but I've become pretty good at it. At this point, I figured he felt at least a bit better, and yet now he was feeling awkward about what to say to me.
I could have relieved him of his discomfort easily enough. I could have walked away, changed the subject, anything like that and he'd have lighten up. The truth was, I didn't want to - because he was rather adorably pathetic. Instead, I thought I'd layer the awkward on. I leaned close and pressed a quick kiss against his cheek, then watched with a smirk as it turned pink.
"Jungmo.." he said softly, tilting his head away.
I considered pursuing the matter, caressing him and giving him kisses just to see how "adorably pathetic" he could become.. but frankly put, I was still hungry. I stood up, and his widened eyes followed me. It was almost precious enough to forget about my stomach. Almost.
"Let's go eat," I told him. It might have been wishful thinking, but I almost thought he seemed disappointed.
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As Jay and I sucked away at our noodles, I kept my eyes on him. I was expecting his gloominess to return any moment, and I was certainly right to. He was especially quiet, and of course that could have been the delicious broth's fault, but I had my suspicions. He'd lower his chopsticks and his forehead would wrinkle before he filled his frowning mouth with more food.
Sure enough, when he'd just emptied his bowl, he sat his chopsticks down and glared at them.
"If I hadn't..."
I didn't wait for him to try thinking up some explanation that didn't exist. Still slurping my noodles, I kicked him under the table. He exclaimed, and I glanced up to watch his glare disappear and his eyes widen adorably again.
I swallowed hard and apologized quickly, but I didn't mean it. I grinned at him while gathering up the last of my noodles between my chopsticks. He just sighed.
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I took a short shower, because I was tired. From there, the plan was to go straight to bed and sleep for the rest of my life - or until my alarm went off. But of course I didn't go straight to bed. I had to tell Jay the bathroom was free, but when I stepped into his bedroom's doorway - there he was, pouting at the floor again.
"Hey. Shower's yours."
"Jungmo.." He said softly.
Frustrated, I sighed. I was too tired even for Jay's cuteness. "Look, don't sulk like that. We're gonna be alright, even SM drops us, we're fine."
"If I hadn't.."
"Jay, you didn't do anything."
"If I hadn't.." he raised his voice and looked up at me. For a moment, he wasn't the lovably cute Jay that I usually see at home. His stage charisma came out in a warning glare, and I felt required to hear him out.
"If I hadn't," he repeated more softly, and once again his face took on that dull self pity expression. I had to bite my lip to stop from saying something. The truth is, I can't stand seeing him like that. "hadn't.." he continued, ".. told him I.."
It took him forever to get it out. He was all nerves, and his face was turning bright red. I knew there was something serious going on, but I found myself becoming quickly amused. I watched carefully, his every twitch - his every stutter - it was too much. I didn't feel so tired any more.
Then he said it.
"If I hadn't told him I liked.. other men.. maybe..."
He trailed off from there, and I suppose it was my turn to be "adorably" shocked. I stared at him, jaw dropped. I didn't have any exact thoughts at that time. Before I could collect them, Jay got up - seeming fully solemn as he started to push passed me. I didn't let him get far.
Still with no thoughts, I turned and grabbed him - pushed him against the open door - and kissed him.
Not on the cheek, like before. Not quick, like before. I kissed him, truly kissed him.
There's no reason to explain how it felt. The evidence is all laid out for you. Jay and I are closer than ever, and (quite unfortunately) he never turns red just from a kiss on the cheek any more.
I feel a bit bad, thinking about it. If Jungwoo hadn't left - if Jay hadn't blamed himself - I'd never have come this happy.
Topic: Jungmo/Jay (TRAX)
Warnings: Not beta'd. :'(
Summary: After Jungwoo leaves, Jay blames himself.
Notes: This is for lefty_215 who really deserved better, because she drew me a beautiful Jay Kim chibi and has loaded me up with amazing TRAX clips. ♥ I was never really sure where I was going with this, and I was in a bit of a horrible mood when I wrote the ending - so I kind of forced it to be happier than I originally planned lolz. But happy endings are good!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
We weren't at the top, but we were successful - comfortable - happy, or so we thought. Then Jungwoo left, just like Minwoo left, just like Yoshiki left...
The news hit us hard, but it hit Jay worse. I had to watch him spend the rest of the day wordlessly glaring at the carpet. I didn't have words for him. I was worried myself, about what was next to come. Could we go on after losing another member? Did we want to?
I didn't. No matter what, I wanted to stay with Jay. Under a new name, sure. Under a new label, sure. It didn't matter. I just knew I would continue doing music no matter what, and I knew that I wanted Jay's voice behind it. My thoughts, at that time, were all music.
Then we got home. I went straight to my room, huffing while stripping off accessories and emptying my pockets. It was one of those tiring days that made me just want to eat, shower, and climb in bed. So I turned back out of my room, hoping that Jay and I would quickly agree on what to get for dinner.
When I stepped into our den, Jay was hunched over on our couch. His hands clutched his hair while that glare of his was still set on the floor. I'm surprised he even noticed me, but he did, because he suddenly spoke.
"If I hadn't..."
I stared, waiting. I knew he couldn't finish that sentence with anything that wasn't pure nonsense, so I silently dared him to. Unsurprisingly, a long silent moment passed before he sighed in surrender.
"You didn't do anything." I said, stepping over to join him on the couch. I sat close, watching him carefully. His hooded glare was softening, but his lips were tightening. It's hard to read Jay Kim if you don't know him as well as I do, but I've become pretty good at it. At this point, I figured he felt at least a bit better, and yet now he was feeling awkward about what to say to me.
I could have relieved him of his discomfort easily enough. I could have walked away, changed the subject, anything like that and he'd have lighten up. The truth was, I didn't want to - because he was rather adorably pathetic. Instead, I thought I'd layer the awkward on. I leaned close and pressed a quick kiss against his cheek, then watched with a smirk as it turned pink.
"Jungmo.." he said softly, tilting his head away.
I considered pursuing the matter, caressing him and giving him kisses just to see how "adorably pathetic" he could become.. but frankly put, I was still hungry. I stood up, and his widened eyes followed me. It was almost precious enough to forget about my stomach. Almost.
"Let's go eat," I told him. It might have been wishful thinking, but I almost thought he seemed disappointed.
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As Jay and I sucked away at our noodles, I kept my eyes on him. I was expecting his gloominess to return any moment, and I was certainly right to. He was especially quiet, and of course that could have been the delicious broth's fault, but I had my suspicions. He'd lower his chopsticks and his forehead would wrinkle before he filled his frowning mouth with more food.
Sure enough, when he'd just emptied his bowl, he sat his chopsticks down and glared at them.
"If I hadn't..."
I didn't wait for him to try thinking up some explanation that didn't exist. Still slurping my noodles, I kicked him under the table. He exclaimed, and I glanced up to watch his glare disappear and his eyes widen adorably again.
I swallowed hard and apologized quickly, but I didn't mean it. I grinned at him while gathering up the last of my noodles between my chopsticks. He just sighed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I took a short shower, because I was tired. From there, the plan was to go straight to bed and sleep for the rest of my life - or until my alarm went off. But of course I didn't go straight to bed. I had to tell Jay the bathroom was free, but when I stepped into his bedroom's doorway - there he was, pouting at the floor again.
"Hey. Shower's yours."
"Jungmo.." He said softly.
Frustrated, I sighed. I was too tired even for Jay's cuteness. "Look, don't sulk like that. We're gonna be alright, even SM drops us, we're fine."
"If I hadn't.."
"Jay, you didn't do anything."
"If I hadn't.." he raised his voice and looked up at me. For a moment, he wasn't the lovably cute Jay that I usually see at home. His stage charisma came out in a warning glare, and I felt required to hear him out.
"If I hadn't," he repeated more softly, and once again his face took on that dull self pity expression. I had to bite my lip to stop from saying something. The truth is, I can't stand seeing him like that. "hadn't.." he continued, ".. told him I.."
It took him forever to get it out. He was all nerves, and his face was turning bright red. I knew there was something serious going on, but I found myself becoming quickly amused. I watched carefully, his every twitch - his every stutter - it was too much. I didn't feel so tired any more.
Then he said it.
"If I hadn't told him I liked.. other men.. maybe..."
He trailed off from there, and I suppose it was my turn to be "adorably" shocked. I stared at him, jaw dropped. I didn't have any exact thoughts at that time. Before I could collect them, Jay got up - seeming fully solemn as he started to push passed me. I didn't let him get far.
Still with no thoughts, I turned and grabbed him - pushed him against the open door - and kissed him.
Not on the cheek, like before. Not quick, like before. I kissed him, truly kissed him.
There's no reason to explain how it felt. The evidence is all laid out for you. Jay and I are closer than ever, and (quite unfortunately) he never turns red just from a kiss on the cheek any more.
I feel a bit bad, thinking about it. If Jungwoo hadn't left - if Jay hadn't blamed himself - I'd never have come this happy.