fic: hammers and strings, 1/5
title:hammers and strings (1/5)
rating: pg-13
pairing: Idina/Kristin, Eden/Julia, Stephanie/Kendra, Megan/Shoshana friendship, Stephanie/Sebastian, Julia/Kendra
disclaimer: I don't own Wicked or any of the characters in this piece of fiction.
summary: Idina has a baby shower and it kind of turns into a massive Wicked reunion. With a boat load of angst.
A/N: This turned so long. It was inspired by this, that, this and that, and mostly this.
Flashbacks in italics.
[these hammers and strings been following me.]
She’s become used to the close cameras and the staccato repetition of doing a scene seven times until everyone’s in the right position, until everyone’s lines are correct. It was so jarring at first, left her stumbling. It shook her apart sometimes, being Kristin one second and her character the next; immersing herself in another person and then stopping short when the director yelled cut. It startled her.
She’s used to it now.
Glee is is a welcome relief. They sing on the show- everyone sings. They run the scenes over and over without stopping and Kristin forgets how to be used to something, she is something. She shifts into her character and doesn’t have to come out until they've perfected the dialouge, watched it bloom and fit it to faces, to characters. And it reminds her of her days on the stage when she felt that way after every scene, when every smile was a piece of something else. When she was someone else for two hours every night and she couldn’t recognize her friends behind their characters’ masks. Back then, there was no one who could jolt Kristin out of a character.
Except, you know, her.
She plays an ex-singer on Glee, someone who never reached graduation and never reached her potential. It’s kind of ridiculous, really, because she has to sing for one of the scenes and that voice wouldn’t exist without reaching potential, without striving restlessly for years. Lea tells Kristin that on the second day of shooting as she leans on the doorframe of Kristin’s trailer, looking so much like a piece of Kristin’s past. And Kristin smiles, because Lea always seemed sharp and that’s a sharp statement.
Every kid on the cast has talent- unrefined, raw, sometimes, but talent. Kristin hopes the show succeeds but she knows there’s really no way to translate pure, present song into repeated scenes, through tv screens. No way to create a musical that doesn’t end where the curtains do.
The days end late again, except she’s walking away from a high school in the middle of a cornfield instead of a candy-colored set. There’s still those heels though and tired waves to crew members who smile a little condescendingly in the morning and almost adoringly by the end of the day. She changes into sweats and tosses her bag in the back of her rental car before pulling out of the lot and onto a road that feels like home, that rolls past hills and smatterings of trees.
Kristin finds her phone buried under papers in her passenger seat and sighs a little at the 23 messages on the screen. They’re from her agent and her family and a co-star or two. A couple are from Lea, one’s from Matthew. She can’t bring herself to open the three from Idina. She knows what they’ll say: i swear my ankles have doubled in size :). how’s bumfuck, ohio? taye sends his love. are you flying in for the shower? Sometimes they say: kristin, call me please. god, i need to hear your voice. do you remember that hotel room during previews? because it’s the only thing i can’t ever forget.
Once, it said: how did i let this happen.
And Kristin cried and felt pathetic and nostalgic and now she’s wary of opening the text, wary of opening up herself.
She hesitates for a moment or an hour, long enough for fourteen traffic lights and eight stop signs, but finally presses the tiny green phone at the top of her screen and bites her lip. Idina’s face appears above her name, curly hair falling down around her cheeks, eyes twinkling in the bright California sun. She answers on the second ring- and god, her voice, it’s been so long- and it’s loud and lyrical wherever she is.
"Hello?" She says in her ‘I didn’t look at the caller ID before I answered’ voice and Kristin smiles, drinks it in.
"Hey, Dee."
"Hey, baby." Idina answers with a grin in her voice and Kristin listens as the noise slowly dies out.
"How’d you get out so fast?" Kristin asks, toweling off her hair in her dressing room. The phone lies on the table in front of her and she leans over it to look in the mirror, finding specks of glitter below her ears and along her jaw. She leaves them.
"I left some of the green on." Idina laughs, voice crackling on speaker phone, and Kristin laughs too, picturing the other girl with green makeup along her cheek, smeared into her eyebrows. Idina is careless when it comes to the separation of character and actor, song and voice.
"You're gonna get stained that way." Kristin teases.
"Good, then I won't have to put it on for an hour every night," Idina retorts, and the clink of a door opening floats through the phone, a sudden rush of sound, a tinkle as the door shut.
"Where are you?" Kristin pulls up the strap of her dress and turns to find her heels- somewhere near the shower, she knows.
"We went to that bar across the street from the hotel." Idina answers. "Are you gonna come?"
"Yeah, I just gotta finish getting dressed. I’ll be there in half an hour."
"Well hurry up, babe. I’ll meet you outside." Idina hangs up, the light noise suddenly disappearing. Kristin smiles to herself and sweeps her hair up against her neck. Her eyes are sparkling in the mirror and she pretends she really is Glinda for a moment, Glinda before the heartbreak, before the shattering of ideals.
She’s not sure why she thinks this is a good idea.
"How was filming today?" Idina asks, and Kristin blinks twice before she answers.
"Eye-opening." She chuckles, both hands tight on the wheel. The phone lies in her cup holder and Idina’s voice crackles through the speakerphone. "They’re so young- have you met Lea Michele yet?"
"Yeah, at a party or two. I’ve been told she looks like me." Idina answers, chuckling a little. "Does she act like me?" Kristin laughs out loud and her voice echoes in the empty car.
"Sweetie, no one’s quite like you." Kristin replies, and her smile turns tender. Idina laughs, a throaty chuckle that makes Kristin shiver. It’s not just the timbre of her voice or the common promises behind it, but the memories there and the images she hasn’t been able to banish. The tender familiarity.
"I’d have to say the same for you, Cheno." Idina teases, but her voice is edgy. Kristin can hear the goodbye before it leaves Idina’s mouth. "I’ve got to walk a couple impatient dogs, but you’ll be here for the shower, right?" Kristin bites her lip and the pause is too long. She’s not sure she can go (as if she has a choice), she’s not sure she even wants to (as if that even matters). "Kris?" There’s vulnerability there that Kristin’s not sure Idina even knows she’s voicing.
"Of course, Dee." Kristin pushes a smile into her voice. "I’ll see you soon." She ends the call with one hand, the other wrapped almost painfully around her steering wheel.
[just promise you won’t let it be just the keys that you touch.]
The leather of the airplane seat is sticking to her arm. Kristin stares out the window onto the tarmac, watching the waves of heat blur the tiny figures who drive the baggage carts. The plane is quiet, passengers lulled into silence by the overbearing heat in the early morning. She gave up on the blonde curls she had hoped to wear for the trip- well, honestly, the curls she wanted to wear for the arrival. Curls for Idina because Kristin remembers that afternoon they spent in New York and the way Idina’s fingers slipped in and out of them.
She tricked herself into thinking those memories were avoidable. Distance and time help with that illusion but as time drifts away, as the distance between them begins to shrink, those memories slip right back in. They layer her mind, waiting for the littlest trigger, turning her dreams into messy, confusing melds of a hundred different times they spent together. They’re haunting her now, building up. They know what’s coming and by the time she reaches California everything she thought was avoidable will be inescapable.
She knows Idina will be waiting at the airport- no, she doesn’t know, she hopes. She thinks they will happen again like they always do; shifting from you and me into we, into us. Contorting around the people in their lives, moving almost inevitably back into each other with a few tugs and the cutting reality of their fate.
The plane clunks to life, jolting a little as it pulls away from its dock. Kristin reaches down to turn up her music. She’s not a nervous flier- she travels too much for that -but she doesn’t like flying alone. Gives her too much time to think.
Her phone buzzes in her purse beside her and she reaches inside, carelessly hoping it’s the one person she shouldn’t be talking to. Hey wanna get dinner tonight? Kristin smiles. Of course! What time? It’s a couple minutes before Eden responds but her answer brings another smile to Kristin’s face, helps her remember the other reasons she’s traveling across the country. The reasons that don’t make her ache, don’t wake her up at two in the morning gasping and disorientated. Her phone buzzes. 8? megan and sho are gonna meet us.
Sounds great. She hits send and drops her phone back in her purse. Maybe it’s an original cast curse, she thinks, noting the obvious lack of Julia in Eden’s message. Maybe we just can’t get it right. The thought’s been haunting her for years, creeping up on her after every emotionally detached boyfriend and brief affair in Idina’s arms. Maybe Wicked got inside them in more ways than one.
Which is ridiculous, she knows. Shows can change her, open her up, close her down, creep around inside and catch her off guard. None have managed to ruin her the way Wicked did but she knows she doesn’t dream in green. It hasn’t eclipsed her life just yet.
Maybe it’s Idina. Rivalry, love, and anger have tangled the two of them up. They’ve ripped it up beyond repair and they’re clinging to lingering emotions, to thin memories of relief and absolution.
Maybe uncomfortably warm airplanes aren’t the place to decipher long past mistakes and decisions she’d never take back.
[come on, write me a song. give me something to trust.]
Idina isn’t there to meet her at the airport but Eden and Megan are, both in big sunglasses and sundresses, ready to wrap her up in hugs and perfume and hand off coffee with lots of cream. They sweep her through the crowded airport, offering to help with bags, making fun of her limo and her driver, forcing her to forget about thoughts she couldn’t avoid. Megan chatters about 9 to 5, tells stories about Allison Janney and Dolly Parton that sound dry from repetition and Eden rolls her eyes, sharing amused glances with Kristin.
It’s Sunday morning and L.A. isn’t as crowded as Kristin’s ever seen it, but it still takes an hour or so to reach her house. She savors her time with Eden, keeps watching her grown-up face, almost marveling at the changes she can see clearly in the girl’s eyes. There’s a hint of sadness that Kristin wouldn’t be able to catch if she didn’t harbor it herself.
"Idina’s meeting us for dinner, too." Eden says, sipping from her cardboard coffee.
"So is Stephanie." Megan adds, turning from the tinted window and saving Kristin from an ambiguous reply. "She flew down with me. I think Sebastian will be here tomorrow."
"A Wicked reunion." Eden comments dryly and Kristin giggles.
"Well, it had to happen eventually." Kristin decides, setting her coffee cup down in the cup holder across the seats. She remembers her phone, stashed on silent in her purse, and reaches for it.
"Yeah, we’re kind of a huge, slightly incestuous family." Megan adds, and Eden smiles but it comes off stale. Kristin opens her mouth, hoping to head off the awkward pause she can feel forming, but the limo slides to stop in front of her house.
"Here’s my stop, girls. You want to come in for a bit?" She gathers her purse and phone, slightly anxious to see her dog for the first time in weeks. Leo opens the limo door and Kristin steps out, turning back to Eden and Megan.
"We’ve got to meet Sho at her apartment." Megan says, smiling a little apologetically.
"But we’ll see you at dinner tonight." Eden adds. Kristin pouts a little, unwilling to let them leave her alone. Eden ducks out of the limo and wraps her arms around Kristin, leaning down to whisper in her ear. "We’ll talk tonight, si?" Kristin wraps her arms around Eden gratefully, pushing away the embarrassing urge to make her stay, so they can be kind of pathetic together.
"Definitely." Kristin agrees softly and pulls away. She smiles and is taken aback, again, by the age in her little Eden’s eyes. The girl pushes her bangs out of her eyes, smiles, and steps back into the limo. Leo shuts the door after her and gestures to the bags on Kristin’s stoop.
"Do you need help with those, Ms. Chenoweth?" He asks and Kristin shakes her head.
"No thanks, Leo, I’ve got it." He tips his hat and steps back toward the driver’s door. She waits until the limo is around the corner to take the short walk up her drive and back to her life.
[and my friend calls me up with her heart heavy still.]
"She doesn’t seem okay." Eden mutters, staring out the window. Megan places a comforting hand on her thigh and pats it gently, watching Eden carefully. She can see Julia in Eden’s slouch, in her broken voice. It hurts her to see the girl aching so clearly and openly, like she’s all bruises and holes in her heart.
"Are you okay?" Megan asks. Eden doesn’t react. Her eyes don’t stray from the window. Megan sighs and leans over to rest her head against Eden’s shoulder. "I love you, E." She reminds the younger girl.
Eden blinks twice and Megan almost misses it, but something flashes across her face- something like stark pain.
"Eden, why don’t you just-" Megan’s voice is a little shrill and she sits straight up suddenly, turning to look into Eden’s face. The other girl softly cuts her off.
"Meg, don’t." She asks, and tilts her head to lean it against the headrest. She smiles a little tiredly. "I’m okay, promise. Just tired." Megan has no doubt Eden’s lying, but she lets her friend have her barriers. They’ve reached Shoshana’s apartment building and Megan picks up her purse.
"Come one, we’ll do shots in Shoshana’s kitchen." Megan cajoles, passing Eden’s bag over to her.
"I think I’m just gonna head home." Eden says and Megan opens her mouth to argue before Eden’s exhausted face stops her.
"Okay. Get some rest, sweetie." Megan leans over and presses a quick kiss into Eden’s forehead before pulling away to step out of the limo. She slides her purse onto her shoulder and glances back to see her own shiny reflection in the limo’s windows. It pulls away from the curb and Megan bites back a sigh, turns back to the building. She holds three down on her keypad until Shoshana’s grin pops up on her screen, and lifts the phone to her ear.
"Hey friend." Megan can hear Shoshana’s grin through the speakers and it brightens her own.
"Ms. Bean." Megan manages before she dissolves into giggles. She holds her hand over her mouth and curls further into her couch, almost snorting. Shoshana chuckles, a little confused.
"Megan? Are you okay?" Megan can’t answer yet and she almost gasping for breath.
"Okay, sorry." She says when she finally regains her composure. She can’t stop smiling and it’s ridiculous and it’s lovely. She takes a deep breath. "You will never, ever guess what I just witnessed with my own two eyes." She says and then giggles again. She manages to calm down quickly but her laughter is contagious and Shoshana chuckles into the phone.
"What?" She asks, mostly used to Megan’s giggle attacks and the mundane things that can set them off.
"No, Sho- really. No, really." Megan says, her excitement messing with her coherency. Sho pauses for a second.
"What?"
"I just walked in on Eden kissing Julia Murney!" Megan explodes, and starts laughing again, pulling the phone a few inches away when Shoshana squeals in her ear. "I know, right? I know!" She says, laughing.
"Oh my god, Megan. Holy shit." Shoshana’s grin is so big it’s hard to talk through it. She sits down on the floor of her apartment and rests her chin in her hand. "Okay, details please." Megan takes a deep breath.
"We just finished the matinee and I went to find Eden to see if she wanted food but Derrick said she’d already left with somebody. So I went to lunch with him and when I got back I went to Eden’s dressing room to ask who she’d gone with- because she always goes with me, you know? And I pushed the door open and Eden and Julia were against the wall and-" Megan laughs and claps her hand over her mouth. "They were going at it! Little Eden and Julia Murney!" She can’t quite believe it, can’t quite believe her own eyes.
"Fuck- Julia." Shoshana says, still smiling. "Do you think they’re- do you think it’s, like, a fling?"
"I have no idea." Megan says. She sits up and pulls her knees up to her chest, rests her chin in her hand. She’s mirroring Shoshana’s position across the country, but neither knows it. "Probably not- you know Eden."
"Yeah." Shoshana agrees. "But Eden and Julia, it’s- it kind of makes sense, you know?" Megan smiles softly.
"I know."
"Hey, friend." Megan can hear Shoshana’s grin through the phone and it brightens her face into a smile. "Are you here yet?"
"Walking up the stairs." Megan answers. "Eden went home. She said she was tired, but I don’t know. I’m worried about her." The sigh finally escapes her lips as she turns the doorknob to the second floor.
"Come on up, babe. We’ll talk." Shoshana says.
"Okay." Megan shuts the phone and drops it into her purse.
[i don’t think that i’ll close my eyes.]
Julia shifts uncomfortably on her half of the lumpy couch, trying to fit her sharp body into the tiny loveseat. A wayward spring presses uncomfortably against her back, jutting into her spine. She sighs. Then, there’s a soft, warm hand on her back, a gentle tug on her shoulders, and her head is in Kendra’s lap.
"I thought you were asleep." Julia says, looking up at Kendra. She swings her long legs up and over the arm of the other end of the couch.
"I was." Kendra replies, her eyes shut. She stretches her fingers out and blindly runs them along Julia’s hair, tilting her head against the back of the couch. "You weren’t." Her voice is sleepy and Julia closes her eyes.
"Go back to sleep." She says, turning her face toward Kendra’s knees and folding her hands across her stomach. It’s quiet for a second and Julia can feel Kendra’s body move with each breath she takes. It’s almost unbearably relaxing, being this close so easily.
"I lied." Kendra murmurs. Julia blinks and looks up. Kendra’s staring straight ahead at the mirror across the dressing room, looking lost. Julia doesn’t have to ask to know what this is about. Her heart clenches uncomfortably in her chest. "I don’t want to see her." Kendra breathes. Her hand finds Julia’s and squeezes tightly.
Julia sits up.
"You don’t have to." She lies, retrieving Kendra’s hand. Kendra smiles and catches Julia’s eyes.
"Do you mean it?" She asks tiredly, leaning over to rest her head on Julia’s shoulder. Julia can’t respond. She lifts her hand to stroke Kendra’s hair. They sit quietly. Julia can feel Kendra taking deep breaths, searching for composure she almost never gives up. "You’re too bony." Kendra says finally, reaching out to poke Julia in her ribs. It’s a common observation but Julia smiles anyway and tugs Kendra closer.
"And you’re too blonde, but you don’t see me making comments about it." Julia returns.
"Do you want mean? I can do mean." Kendra says. "I was a Maureen." She pulls out of Julia’s embrace and levels her eyes with the older woman’s. "Why the hell haven’t you called Eden?"
The silence is deafening for a moment and Kendra would be nervous if it wasn’t Julia. The other woman regards her blankly but Kendra can almost hear her mind working, spinning overtime. She sees barely disguised emotions flickering through Julia’s eyes.
"I don’t want to see her." Julia echoes, relenting after a moment, and turns away. Kendra has no space for empty consolations. She reaches across the couch and takes Julia’s hand in her own.
[thought i could leave her for a season.]
"It’s gorgeous, Seb." Stephanie pushes back the curtains in her hotel room and tilts her forehead against the windowpane. "The weather, I mean." She amends, watching the city move beneath her. "The city’s…" She sighs. "How are rehearsals going?"
"Crazy." Sebastian laughs. "Too much testosterone, you know? I love it." Stephanie laughs and moves back to the bed, sits on the edge. "As a matter of fact, I’ve got to get back to them now. Are you and Megan hanging out this afternoon?"
"She went to pick up Kristin Chenoweth from the airport with Eden, but we’re all meeting up later." Stephanie says, picking at a loose thread on the comforter. She falls back on the bed.
"I’ll call you tonight." Sebastian promises. "I love you."
"Love you, too. Bye." Stephanie waits for his resounding "bye" before shutting the phone and tossing it to the side. She stares at the ceiling, content for the moment to revel in her laziness. The ache along her shoulders, dipping into her back, has eased, and she enjoys the feeling of being perfectly healthy, if slightly exhausted. The score from 9 to 5 plays quietly in the back of her mind and her body feels almost bereft without blocking. It’s her first day off in a long time and she stretches, pushing her arms above her head, unable to do much else except curl into herself.
She presses her head into the pillow, trying to avoid the dim light that shines through the thin hotel curtains. Her hair is tied in a loose bun and her sweats are ridiculously comfortable. Her back is even surprisingly relaxed, but she can’t fall back asleep. She sighs, and opens her eyes.
Kendra sleeps on her side, facing away from Stephanie. She’s only five feet away, curled comfortably in her double bed, and Stephanie can see the gentle rise and fall of her shoulders. Stephanie’s slightly jealous. She’s never had the great relationship Kendra has with hotel beds. She debates, for ten minutes or half an hour, crossing those measly inches and curling up behind her co-star. Her restlessness finally wins out and she pushes back the covers, takes the three steps into Kendra’s bed, her back protesting quietly.
The slight shift on the mattress makes Kendra’s shoulders tense and Stephanie feels slightly guilty for disrupting the blonde’s sleep. Kendra relaxes a moment later and starts to move.
"…‘s your back?" Kendra mumbles, turning until she’s facing Stephanie, all unfocused blue eyes and curls along her cheek. She shuts her eyes and reaches out to run her fingers along Stephanie’s side, down the small of her back and along her spine.
"Kind of." Stephanie admits, her voice too clear in the dark. She watches Kendra’s sleepy face, trying to ignore the delicious tingle along her skin as Kendra explores her body. She licks her lips nervously.
"C’mere." Kendra says, opening her arms and her eyes, and Stephanie scoots until her cheek rests against the girl’s shoulder. She can feel Kendra’s heart beating evenly, slowly picking up when Stephanie’s hand travels across her stomach and onto her waist. Stephanie listens, eyes drifting shut, until the sound evens out, until her own heartbeat evens out.
She goes to sleep with her arms around Kendra’s waist, gripping the smaller girl like she has every right to.
Stephanie blinks twice and rubs at her face, her eyes registering the early afternoon sun through the blinds. She yawns and stretches, curling her toes. Shaking the ponytail holder out of her hair, she swings her feet over the edge of the bed and stares at the wall for the moment, trying to dispel the desperate ache those dreams always leave.
A shower, a hamburger, and a few episodes of Sex in the City later, she reaches across the bed and scoops up her cell phone. Eden answers on the second ring, yawning, and Stephanie laughs.
"Were you asleep?" She asks, and Eden chuckles.
"Maybe. Why aren’t you?"
"I was." Stephanie admits and walks over to her suitcase. "What happened to Megan and Kristin?" She kneels beside the luggage and unzips it, hands quickly shifting through her clothes.
"Kristin went home, Megan went to Sho’s. I got to ride in a limo." Eden grins and Stephanie laughs.
"Fancy." She teases. "You want to come over? I’m lonely…" Eden hesitates for a moment and Stephanie stops shifting.
"Steph, I love you and everything, but you’re married now." Eden warns in a low voice. Stephanie laughs out loud and sits back on her heels.
"Eden Espinosa! I knew Julia wouldn’t be a good influence on you." She says, resting her hand along her knee. Suddenly, the tension slides across the phone, invades her hotel room. Stephanie’s brain stutters to a halt. "Sorry, E." She murmurs quickly, but Eden’s words overlap her own.
"Yeah, you’re probably right." The laugh is forced and Stephanie feels terrible. "I’ll be over in an hour or so, okay?"
"Okay." Stephanie agrees and then she’s staring at the phone, the conversation suddenly ended. She bites her lip.
Shoot.
[lately i’m not dreaming, so what’s the point in sleeping?]
Kristin shifts her fingers through her hair, untangling the loose knots as she stands in front of her mirror. She wipes away a thin layer of steam and meets her own eyes. It’s approaching early evening, the sun setting in a spray of yellow and red and memories and she’s going to be late for dinner. She’s forgotten how time slips away from her when she’s at home with no work- she’s forgotten because the last time it happened was almost two years ago.
Idina’s face swims in the forefront of her thoughts, but Kristin’s memories are turning sour. The time and space between them has closed and there’s no room left for wishing. She remembers Idina storming into her dressing room, flashing eyes outlined by emerald green. Remembers the way her hands flew across the inches that separated them and Kristin flinched and Idina paled and stumbled backwards. The tense quiet between them as they waited for interviews to begin, how familiar it eventually became. And Idina, crying, at the doorway of Kristin’s apartment and then in her bed.
She remembers Taye’s eyes, always unbearably wise, and how he still managed to throw her a comforting smile.
She curls her hair tonight, but doesn’t bother thinking about Idina when she does it. The years have been so long and so good to her, but this little piece of her past dug its way into her heart and it sits there, uncomfortably, until she learns to accept it. She thinks she won’t ever accept it.
It’s 7:15 and she has the vague possibility of being on time if she hurries, but she takes her time finding the right heels and curling her eyelashes. She takes her own car, has to slip her heels off to drive, and listens to Dolly Parton on the ride into town, wondering briefly what it would be like had she taken the role in 9 to 5. She’s unbelievably glad Megan has it. Her phone buzzes with a text from Eden and she reads the reminder and sends back a quick "be there soon!"
Kristin hands her keys to the valet with a smile and realizes she left her stomach somewhere back in the car, turns for a half-second in temporary terror before regaining her sanity.
She takes a deep breath.
[I know where the time’s gone, just not where my mind’s been wondering]
Eden crosses her legs and lifts her wineglass to her lips, feeling somewhat fancy in her silky green top and precarious heels. Stephanie’s in blue, sitting at her side and running fingers down a damp water glass. Eden reaches out and clasps two cold fingers in her own, pulls them down beneath the table.
"How’s Sebastian doing?" She asks, setting her glass back on the table.
"He’s been…energized." Stephanie laughs and Eden releases her fingers. "He’s been singing Jersey Boys in the kitchen for three months now." Her smile turns sweet and Eden tries not to roll her eyes. Stephanie’s always been a romantic and Sebastian has spoiled her. Eden can feel the love radiating off her, in her smile and her eyes. It reminds her of the Stephanie with Kendra and she blinks, looking away, because Kendra reminds her of Julia. And really, Wicked is a bitch on her social life.
A slightly crazy, infectious laugh invades their small nook and Eden registers it as Megan’s without thinking twice. She’s gripping Shoshana’s arm, sunglasses pulled low on her nose even though it’s eight at night.
"Sho!" Eden grins and barely makes it out of her seat before Shoshana squeals and pulls her into a hug, wrapping her up in lean arms and Ed Hardy perfume. Megan and Stephanie press quick kisses on cheeks and Megan pulls Eden back in her seat to avoid the tangle of limbs that is Shoshana assaulting Stephanie. Once their settled and well-hugged, once Sho has bitched at Eden for bailing on their drinking date, they order more wine and more water and talk about L.A. in the summer and whether or not Peepshow is classy at all. Megan is slightly relentless. Shoshana is blushing and laughing and embarrassed by the time Kristin giggles into their nook, falling into Stephanie’s lap and pinching Eden’s cheeks, squealing over Shoshana and Megan.
Kristin ties them all together, as if they weren’t before, but she highlights Idina’s absence and the hole suddenly seems gaping. Here, all together, they can see the shades of green on familiar faces and the glint of glitter under light. The smell of a well-worked theater and thick makeup, the stained carpet and cramped hallways. Kristin tries to embrace the friendship and the shared memories, but her heart is beating DeeDeeDee along her ribs and she works her way through a glass of wine quickly.
They’ve finally ordered by the time Idina shows up in designer jeans and sparkling earrings, hair long and wavy and messy, and grinning at them like she isn’t an hour and a half late to her own dinner. She reaches for Shoshana first and holds her tight, and they finally remember that Idina may be a missing piece but she’s always kind of missing. She’s always a separate part- a leader, maybe, instead of a comrade. She makes her rounds, hesitating when she reaches Eden and Eden’s grown up eyes, trying to blow off the wall between her and Stephanie, and finally turning her eyes toward Kristin.
Kristin quits breathing
rating: pg-13
pairing: Idina/Kristin, Eden/Julia, Stephanie/Kendra, Megan/Shoshana friendship, Stephanie/Sebastian, Julia/Kendra
disclaimer: I don't own Wicked or any of the characters in this piece of fiction.
summary: Idina has a baby shower and it kind of turns into a massive Wicked reunion. With a boat load of angst.
A/N: This turned so long. It was inspired by this, that, this and that, and mostly this.
Flashbacks in italics.
[these hammers and strings been following me.]
She’s become used to the close cameras and the staccato repetition of doing a scene seven times until everyone’s in the right position, until everyone’s lines are correct. It was so jarring at first, left her stumbling. It shook her apart sometimes, being Kristin one second and her character the next; immersing herself in another person and then stopping short when the director yelled cut. It startled her.
She’s used to it now.
Glee is is a welcome relief. They sing on the show- everyone sings. They run the scenes over and over without stopping and Kristin forgets how to be used to something, she is something. She shifts into her character and doesn’t have to come out until they've perfected the dialouge, watched it bloom and fit it to faces, to characters. And it reminds her of her days on the stage when she felt that way after every scene, when every smile was a piece of something else. When she was someone else for two hours every night and she couldn’t recognize her friends behind their characters’ masks. Back then, there was no one who could jolt Kristin out of a character.
Except, you know, her.
She plays an ex-singer on Glee, someone who never reached graduation and never reached her potential. It’s kind of ridiculous, really, because she has to sing for one of the scenes and that voice wouldn’t exist without reaching potential, without striving restlessly for years. Lea tells Kristin that on the second day of shooting as she leans on the doorframe of Kristin’s trailer, looking so much like a piece of Kristin’s past. And Kristin smiles, because Lea always seemed sharp and that’s a sharp statement.
Every kid on the cast has talent- unrefined, raw, sometimes, but talent. Kristin hopes the show succeeds but she knows there’s really no way to translate pure, present song into repeated scenes, through tv screens. No way to create a musical that doesn’t end where the curtains do.
The days end late again, except she’s walking away from a high school in the middle of a cornfield instead of a candy-colored set. There’s still those heels though and tired waves to crew members who smile a little condescendingly in the morning and almost adoringly by the end of the day. She changes into sweats and tosses her bag in the back of her rental car before pulling out of the lot and onto a road that feels like home, that rolls past hills and smatterings of trees.
Kristin finds her phone buried under papers in her passenger seat and sighs a little at the 23 messages on the screen. They’re from her agent and her family and a co-star or two. A couple are from Lea, one’s from Matthew. She can’t bring herself to open the three from Idina. She knows what they’ll say: i swear my ankles have doubled in size :). how’s bumfuck, ohio? taye sends his love. are you flying in for the shower? Sometimes they say: kristin, call me please. god, i need to hear your voice. do you remember that hotel room during previews? because it’s the only thing i can’t ever forget.
Once, it said: how did i let this happen.
And Kristin cried and felt pathetic and nostalgic and now she’s wary of opening the text, wary of opening up herself.
She hesitates for a moment or an hour, long enough for fourteen traffic lights and eight stop signs, but finally presses the tiny green phone at the top of her screen and bites her lip. Idina’s face appears above her name, curly hair falling down around her cheeks, eyes twinkling in the bright California sun. She answers on the second ring- and god, her voice, it’s been so long- and it’s loud and lyrical wherever she is.
"Hello?" She says in her ‘I didn’t look at the caller ID before I answered’ voice and Kristin smiles, drinks it in.
"Hey, Dee."
"Hey, baby." Idina answers with a grin in her voice and Kristin listens as the noise slowly dies out.
"How’d you get out so fast?" Kristin asks, toweling off her hair in her dressing room. The phone lies on the table in front of her and she leans over it to look in the mirror, finding specks of glitter below her ears and along her jaw. She leaves them.
"I left some of the green on." Idina laughs, voice crackling on speaker phone, and Kristin laughs too, picturing the other girl with green makeup along her cheek, smeared into her eyebrows. Idina is careless when it comes to the separation of character and actor, song and voice.
"You're gonna get stained that way." Kristin teases.
"Good, then I won't have to put it on for an hour every night," Idina retorts, and the clink of a door opening floats through the phone, a sudden rush of sound, a tinkle as the door shut.
"Where are you?" Kristin pulls up the strap of her dress and turns to find her heels- somewhere near the shower, she knows.
"We went to that bar across the street from the hotel." Idina answers. "Are you gonna come?"
"Yeah, I just gotta finish getting dressed. I’ll be there in half an hour."
"Well hurry up, babe. I’ll meet you outside." Idina hangs up, the light noise suddenly disappearing. Kristin smiles to herself and sweeps her hair up against her neck. Her eyes are sparkling in the mirror and she pretends she really is Glinda for a moment, Glinda before the heartbreak, before the shattering of ideals.
She’s not sure why she thinks this is a good idea.
"How was filming today?" Idina asks, and Kristin blinks twice before she answers.
"Eye-opening." She chuckles, both hands tight on the wheel. The phone lies in her cup holder and Idina’s voice crackles through the speakerphone. "They’re so young- have you met Lea Michele yet?"
"Yeah, at a party or two. I’ve been told she looks like me." Idina answers, chuckling a little. "Does she act like me?" Kristin laughs out loud and her voice echoes in the empty car.
"Sweetie, no one’s quite like you." Kristin replies, and her smile turns tender. Idina laughs, a throaty chuckle that makes Kristin shiver. It’s not just the timbre of her voice or the common promises behind it, but the memories there and the images she hasn’t been able to banish. The tender familiarity.
"I’d have to say the same for you, Cheno." Idina teases, but her voice is edgy. Kristin can hear the goodbye before it leaves Idina’s mouth. "I’ve got to walk a couple impatient dogs, but you’ll be here for the shower, right?" Kristin bites her lip and the pause is too long. She’s not sure she can go (as if she has a choice), she’s not sure she even wants to (as if that even matters). "Kris?" There’s vulnerability there that Kristin’s not sure Idina even knows she’s voicing.
"Of course, Dee." Kristin pushes a smile into her voice. "I’ll see you soon." She ends the call with one hand, the other wrapped almost painfully around her steering wheel.
[just promise you won’t let it be just the keys that you touch.]
The leather of the airplane seat is sticking to her arm. Kristin stares out the window onto the tarmac, watching the waves of heat blur the tiny figures who drive the baggage carts. The plane is quiet, passengers lulled into silence by the overbearing heat in the early morning. She gave up on the blonde curls she had hoped to wear for the trip- well, honestly, the curls she wanted to wear for the arrival. Curls for Idina because Kristin remembers that afternoon they spent in New York and the way Idina’s fingers slipped in and out of them.
She tricked herself into thinking those memories were avoidable. Distance and time help with that illusion but as time drifts away, as the distance between them begins to shrink, those memories slip right back in. They layer her mind, waiting for the littlest trigger, turning her dreams into messy, confusing melds of a hundred different times they spent together. They’re haunting her now, building up. They know what’s coming and by the time she reaches California everything she thought was avoidable will be inescapable.
She knows Idina will be waiting at the airport- no, she doesn’t know, she hopes. She thinks they will happen again like they always do; shifting from you and me into we, into us. Contorting around the people in their lives, moving almost inevitably back into each other with a few tugs and the cutting reality of their fate.
The plane clunks to life, jolting a little as it pulls away from its dock. Kristin reaches down to turn up her music. She’s not a nervous flier- she travels too much for that -but she doesn’t like flying alone. Gives her too much time to think.
Her phone buzzes in her purse beside her and she reaches inside, carelessly hoping it’s the one person she shouldn’t be talking to. Hey wanna get dinner tonight? Kristin smiles. Of course! What time? It’s a couple minutes before Eden responds but her answer brings another smile to Kristin’s face, helps her remember the other reasons she’s traveling across the country. The reasons that don’t make her ache, don’t wake her up at two in the morning gasping and disorientated. Her phone buzzes. 8? megan and sho are gonna meet us.
Sounds great. She hits send and drops her phone back in her purse. Maybe it’s an original cast curse, she thinks, noting the obvious lack of Julia in Eden’s message. Maybe we just can’t get it right. The thought’s been haunting her for years, creeping up on her after every emotionally detached boyfriend and brief affair in Idina’s arms. Maybe Wicked got inside them in more ways than one.
Which is ridiculous, she knows. Shows can change her, open her up, close her down, creep around inside and catch her off guard. None have managed to ruin her the way Wicked did but she knows she doesn’t dream in green. It hasn’t eclipsed her life just yet.
Maybe it’s Idina. Rivalry, love, and anger have tangled the two of them up. They’ve ripped it up beyond repair and they’re clinging to lingering emotions, to thin memories of relief and absolution.
Maybe uncomfortably warm airplanes aren’t the place to decipher long past mistakes and decisions she’d never take back.
[come on, write me a song. give me something to trust.]
Idina isn’t there to meet her at the airport but Eden and Megan are, both in big sunglasses and sundresses, ready to wrap her up in hugs and perfume and hand off coffee with lots of cream. They sweep her through the crowded airport, offering to help with bags, making fun of her limo and her driver, forcing her to forget about thoughts she couldn’t avoid. Megan chatters about 9 to 5, tells stories about Allison Janney and Dolly Parton that sound dry from repetition and Eden rolls her eyes, sharing amused glances with Kristin.
It’s Sunday morning and L.A. isn’t as crowded as Kristin’s ever seen it, but it still takes an hour or so to reach her house. She savors her time with Eden, keeps watching her grown-up face, almost marveling at the changes she can see clearly in the girl’s eyes. There’s a hint of sadness that Kristin wouldn’t be able to catch if she didn’t harbor it herself.
"Idina’s meeting us for dinner, too." Eden says, sipping from her cardboard coffee.
"So is Stephanie." Megan adds, turning from the tinted window and saving Kristin from an ambiguous reply. "She flew down with me. I think Sebastian will be here tomorrow."
"A Wicked reunion." Eden comments dryly and Kristin giggles.
"Well, it had to happen eventually." Kristin decides, setting her coffee cup down in the cup holder across the seats. She remembers her phone, stashed on silent in her purse, and reaches for it.
"Yeah, we’re kind of a huge, slightly incestuous family." Megan adds, and Eden smiles but it comes off stale. Kristin opens her mouth, hoping to head off the awkward pause she can feel forming, but the limo slides to stop in front of her house.
"Here’s my stop, girls. You want to come in for a bit?" She gathers her purse and phone, slightly anxious to see her dog for the first time in weeks. Leo opens the limo door and Kristin steps out, turning back to Eden and Megan.
"We’ve got to meet Sho at her apartment." Megan says, smiling a little apologetically.
"But we’ll see you at dinner tonight." Eden adds. Kristin pouts a little, unwilling to let them leave her alone. Eden ducks out of the limo and wraps her arms around Kristin, leaning down to whisper in her ear. "We’ll talk tonight, si?" Kristin wraps her arms around Eden gratefully, pushing away the embarrassing urge to make her stay, so they can be kind of pathetic together.
"Definitely." Kristin agrees softly and pulls away. She smiles and is taken aback, again, by the age in her little Eden’s eyes. The girl pushes her bangs out of her eyes, smiles, and steps back into the limo. Leo shuts the door after her and gestures to the bags on Kristin’s stoop.
"Do you need help with those, Ms. Chenoweth?" He asks and Kristin shakes her head.
"No thanks, Leo, I’ve got it." He tips his hat and steps back toward the driver’s door. She waits until the limo is around the corner to take the short walk up her drive and back to her life.
[and my friend calls me up with her heart heavy still.]
"She doesn’t seem okay." Eden mutters, staring out the window. Megan places a comforting hand on her thigh and pats it gently, watching Eden carefully. She can see Julia in Eden’s slouch, in her broken voice. It hurts her to see the girl aching so clearly and openly, like she’s all bruises and holes in her heart.
"Are you okay?" Megan asks. Eden doesn’t react. Her eyes don’t stray from the window. Megan sighs and leans over to rest her head against Eden’s shoulder. "I love you, E." She reminds the younger girl.
Eden blinks twice and Megan almost misses it, but something flashes across her face- something like stark pain.
"Eden, why don’t you just-" Megan’s voice is a little shrill and she sits straight up suddenly, turning to look into Eden’s face. The other girl softly cuts her off.
"Meg, don’t." She asks, and tilts her head to lean it against the headrest. She smiles a little tiredly. "I’m okay, promise. Just tired." Megan has no doubt Eden’s lying, but she lets her friend have her barriers. They’ve reached Shoshana’s apartment building and Megan picks up her purse.
"Come one, we’ll do shots in Shoshana’s kitchen." Megan cajoles, passing Eden’s bag over to her.
"I think I’m just gonna head home." Eden says and Megan opens her mouth to argue before Eden’s exhausted face stops her.
"Okay. Get some rest, sweetie." Megan leans over and presses a quick kiss into Eden’s forehead before pulling away to step out of the limo. She slides her purse onto her shoulder and glances back to see her own shiny reflection in the limo’s windows. It pulls away from the curb and Megan bites back a sigh, turns back to the building. She holds three down on her keypad until Shoshana’s grin pops up on her screen, and lifts the phone to her ear.
"Hey friend." Megan can hear Shoshana’s grin through the speakers and it brightens her own.
"Ms. Bean." Megan manages before she dissolves into giggles. She holds her hand over her mouth and curls further into her couch, almost snorting. Shoshana chuckles, a little confused.
"Megan? Are you okay?" Megan can’t answer yet and she almost gasping for breath.
"Okay, sorry." She says when she finally regains her composure. She can’t stop smiling and it’s ridiculous and it’s lovely. She takes a deep breath. "You will never, ever guess what I just witnessed with my own two eyes." She says and then giggles again. She manages to calm down quickly but her laughter is contagious and Shoshana chuckles into the phone.
"What?" She asks, mostly used to Megan’s giggle attacks and the mundane things that can set them off.
"No, Sho- really. No, really." Megan says, her excitement messing with her coherency. Sho pauses for a second.
"What?"
"I just walked in on Eden kissing Julia Murney!" Megan explodes, and starts laughing again, pulling the phone a few inches away when Shoshana squeals in her ear. "I know, right? I know!" She says, laughing.
"Oh my god, Megan. Holy shit." Shoshana’s grin is so big it’s hard to talk through it. She sits down on the floor of her apartment and rests her chin in her hand. "Okay, details please." Megan takes a deep breath.
"We just finished the matinee and I went to find Eden to see if she wanted food but Derrick said she’d already left with somebody. So I went to lunch with him and when I got back I went to Eden’s dressing room to ask who she’d gone with- because she always goes with me, you know? And I pushed the door open and Eden and Julia were against the wall and-" Megan laughs and claps her hand over her mouth. "They were going at it! Little Eden and Julia Murney!" She can’t quite believe it, can’t quite believe her own eyes.
"Fuck- Julia." Shoshana says, still smiling. "Do you think they’re- do you think it’s, like, a fling?"
"I have no idea." Megan says. She sits up and pulls her knees up to her chest, rests her chin in her hand. She’s mirroring Shoshana’s position across the country, but neither knows it. "Probably not- you know Eden."
"Yeah." Shoshana agrees. "But Eden and Julia, it’s- it kind of makes sense, you know?" Megan smiles softly.
"I know."
"Hey, friend." Megan can hear Shoshana’s grin through the phone and it brightens her face into a smile. "Are you here yet?"
"Walking up the stairs." Megan answers. "Eden went home. She said she was tired, but I don’t know. I’m worried about her." The sigh finally escapes her lips as she turns the doorknob to the second floor.
"Come on up, babe. We’ll talk." Shoshana says.
"Okay." Megan shuts the phone and drops it into her purse.
[i don’t think that i’ll close my eyes.]
Julia shifts uncomfortably on her half of the lumpy couch, trying to fit her sharp body into the tiny loveseat. A wayward spring presses uncomfortably against her back, jutting into her spine. She sighs. Then, there’s a soft, warm hand on her back, a gentle tug on her shoulders, and her head is in Kendra’s lap.
"I thought you were asleep." Julia says, looking up at Kendra. She swings her long legs up and over the arm of the other end of the couch.
"I was." Kendra replies, her eyes shut. She stretches her fingers out and blindly runs them along Julia’s hair, tilting her head against the back of the couch. "You weren’t." Her voice is sleepy and Julia closes her eyes.
"Go back to sleep." She says, turning her face toward Kendra’s knees and folding her hands across her stomach. It’s quiet for a second and Julia can feel Kendra’s body move with each breath she takes. It’s almost unbearably relaxing, being this close so easily.
"I lied." Kendra murmurs. Julia blinks and looks up. Kendra’s staring straight ahead at the mirror across the dressing room, looking lost. Julia doesn’t have to ask to know what this is about. Her heart clenches uncomfortably in her chest. "I don’t want to see her." Kendra breathes. Her hand finds Julia’s and squeezes tightly.
Julia sits up.
"You don’t have to." She lies, retrieving Kendra’s hand. Kendra smiles and catches Julia’s eyes.
"Do you mean it?" She asks tiredly, leaning over to rest her head on Julia’s shoulder. Julia can’t respond. She lifts her hand to stroke Kendra’s hair. They sit quietly. Julia can feel Kendra taking deep breaths, searching for composure she almost never gives up. "You’re too bony." Kendra says finally, reaching out to poke Julia in her ribs. It’s a common observation but Julia smiles anyway and tugs Kendra closer.
"And you’re too blonde, but you don’t see me making comments about it." Julia returns.
"Do you want mean? I can do mean." Kendra says. "I was a Maureen." She pulls out of Julia’s embrace and levels her eyes with the older woman’s. "Why the hell haven’t you called Eden?"
The silence is deafening for a moment and Kendra would be nervous if it wasn’t Julia. The other woman regards her blankly but Kendra can almost hear her mind working, spinning overtime. She sees barely disguised emotions flickering through Julia’s eyes.
"I don’t want to see her." Julia echoes, relenting after a moment, and turns away. Kendra has no space for empty consolations. She reaches across the couch and takes Julia’s hand in her own.
[thought i could leave her for a season.]
"It’s gorgeous, Seb." Stephanie pushes back the curtains in her hotel room and tilts her forehead against the windowpane. "The weather, I mean." She amends, watching the city move beneath her. "The city’s…" She sighs. "How are rehearsals going?"
"Crazy." Sebastian laughs. "Too much testosterone, you know? I love it." Stephanie laughs and moves back to the bed, sits on the edge. "As a matter of fact, I’ve got to get back to them now. Are you and Megan hanging out this afternoon?"
"She went to pick up Kristin Chenoweth from the airport with Eden, but we’re all meeting up later." Stephanie says, picking at a loose thread on the comforter. She falls back on the bed.
"I’ll call you tonight." Sebastian promises. "I love you."
"Love you, too. Bye." Stephanie waits for his resounding "bye" before shutting the phone and tossing it to the side. She stares at the ceiling, content for the moment to revel in her laziness. The ache along her shoulders, dipping into her back, has eased, and she enjoys the feeling of being perfectly healthy, if slightly exhausted. The score from 9 to 5 plays quietly in the back of her mind and her body feels almost bereft without blocking. It’s her first day off in a long time and she stretches, pushing her arms above her head, unable to do much else except curl into herself.
She presses her head into the pillow, trying to avoid the dim light that shines through the thin hotel curtains. Her hair is tied in a loose bun and her sweats are ridiculously comfortable. Her back is even surprisingly relaxed, but she can’t fall back asleep. She sighs, and opens her eyes.
Kendra sleeps on her side, facing away from Stephanie. She’s only five feet away, curled comfortably in her double bed, and Stephanie can see the gentle rise and fall of her shoulders. Stephanie’s slightly jealous. She’s never had the great relationship Kendra has with hotel beds. She debates, for ten minutes or half an hour, crossing those measly inches and curling up behind her co-star. Her restlessness finally wins out and she pushes back the covers, takes the three steps into Kendra’s bed, her back protesting quietly.
The slight shift on the mattress makes Kendra’s shoulders tense and Stephanie feels slightly guilty for disrupting the blonde’s sleep. Kendra relaxes a moment later and starts to move.
"…‘s your back?" Kendra mumbles, turning until she’s facing Stephanie, all unfocused blue eyes and curls along her cheek. She shuts her eyes and reaches out to run her fingers along Stephanie’s side, down the small of her back and along her spine.
"Kind of." Stephanie admits, her voice too clear in the dark. She watches Kendra’s sleepy face, trying to ignore the delicious tingle along her skin as Kendra explores her body. She licks her lips nervously.
"C’mere." Kendra says, opening her arms and her eyes, and Stephanie scoots until her cheek rests against the girl’s shoulder. She can feel Kendra’s heart beating evenly, slowly picking up when Stephanie’s hand travels across her stomach and onto her waist. Stephanie listens, eyes drifting shut, until the sound evens out, until her own heartbeat evens out.
She goes to sleep with her arms around Kendra’s waist, gripping the smaller girl like she has every right to.
Stephanie blinks twice and rubs at her face, her eyes registering the early afternoon sun through the blinds. She yawns and stretches, curling her toes. Shaking the ponytail holder out of her hair, she swings her feet over the edge of the bed and stares at the wall for the moment, trying to dispel the desperate ache those dreams always leave.
A shower, a hamburger, and a few episodes of Sex in the City later, she reaches across the bed and scoops up her cell phone. Eden answers on the second ring, yawning, and Stephanie laughs.
"Were you asleep?" She asks, and Eden chuckles.
"Maybe. Why aren’t you?"
"I was." Stephanie admits and walks over to her suitcase. "What happened to Megan and Kristin?" She kneels beside the luggage and unzips it, hands quickly shifting through her clothes.
"Kristin went home, Megan went to Sho’s. I got to ride in a limo." Eden grins and Stephanie laughs.
"Fancy." She teases. "You want to come over? I’m lonely…" Eden hesitates for a moment and Stephanie stops shifting.
"Steph, I love you and everything, but you’re married now." Eden warns in a low voice. Stephanie laughs out loud and sits back on her heels.
"Eden Espinosa! I knew Julia wouldn’t be a good influence on you." She says, resting her hand along her knee. Suddenly, the tension slides across the phone, invades her hotel room. Stephanie’s brain stutters to a halt. "Sorry, E." She murmurs quickly, but Eden’s words overlap her own.
"Yeah, you’re probably right." The laugh is forced and Stephanie feels terrible. "I’ll be over in an hour or so, okay?"
"Okay." Stephanie agrees and then she’s staring at the phone, the conversation suddenly ended. She bites her lip.
Shoot.
[lately i’m not dreaming, so what’s the point in sleeping?]
Kristin shifts her fingers through her hair, untangling the loose knots as she stands in front of her mirror. She wipes away a thin layer of steam and meets her own eyes. It’s approaching early evening, the sun setting in a spray of yellow and red and memories and she’s going to be late for dinner. She’s forgotten how time slips away from her when she’s at home with no work- she’s forgotten because the last time it happened was almost two years ago.
Idina’s face swims in the forefront of her thoughts, but Kristin’s memories are turning sour. The time and space between them has closed and there’s no room left for wishing. She remembers Idina storming into her dressing room, flashing eyes outlined by emerald green. Remembers the way her hands flew across the inches that separated them and Kristin flinched and Idina paled and stumbled backwards. The tense quiet between them as they waited for interviews to begin, how familiar it eventually became. And Idina, crying, at the doorway of Kristin’s apartment and then in her bed.
She remembers Taye’s eyes, always unbearably wise, and how he still managed to throw her a comforting smile.
She curls her hair tonight, but doesn’t bother thinking about Idina when she does it. The years have been so long and so good to her, but this little piece of her past dug its way into her heart and it sits there, uncomfortably, until she learns to accept it. She thinks she won’t ever accept it.
It’s 7:15 and she has the vague possibility of being on time if she hurries, but she takes her time finding the right heels and curling her eyelashes. She takes her own car, has to slip her heels off to drive, and listens to Dolly Parton on the ride into town, wondering briefly what it would be like had she taken the role in 9 to 5. She’s unbelievably glad Megan has it. Her phone buzzes with a text from Eden and she reads the reminder and sends back a quick "be there soon!"
Kristin hands her keys to the valet with a smile and realizes she left her stomach somewhere back in the car, turns for a half-second in temporary terror before regaining her sanity.
She takes a deep breath.
[I know where the time’s gone, just not where my mind’s been wondering]
Eden crosses her legs and lifts her wineglass to her lips, feeling somewhat fancy in her silky green top and precarious heels. Stephanie’s in blue, sitting at her side and running fingers down a damp water glass. Eden reaches out and clasps two cold fingers in her own, pulls them down beneath the table.
"How’s Sebastian doing?" She asks, setting her glass back on the table.
"He’s been…energized." Stephanie laughs and Eden releases her fingers. "He’s been singing Jersey Boys in the kitchen for three months now." Her smile turns sweet and Eden tries not to roll her eyes. Stephanie’s always been a romantic and Sebastian has spoiled her. Eden can feel the love radiating off her, in her smile and her eyes. It reminds her of the Stephanie with Kendra and she blinks, looking away, because Kendra reminds her of Julia. And really, Wicked is a bitch on her social life.
A slightly crazy, infectious laugh invades their small nook and Eden registers it as Megan’s without thinking twice. She’s gripping Shoshana’s arm, sunglasses pulled low on her nose even though it’s eight at night.
"Sho!" Eden grins and barely makes it out of her seat before Shoshana squeals and pulls her into a hug, wrapping her up in lean arms and Ed Hardy perfume. Megan and Stephanie press quick kisses on cheeks and Megan pulls Eden back in her seat to avoid the tangle of limbs that is Shoshana assaulting Stephanie. Once their settled and well-hugged, once Sho has bitched at Eden for bailing on their drinking date, they order more wine and more water and talk about L.A. in the summer and whether or not Peepshow is classy at all. Megan is slightly relentless. Shoshana is blushing and laughing and embarrassed by the time Kristin giggles into their nook, falling into Stephanie’s lap and pinching Eden’s cheeks, squealing over Shoshana and Megan.
Kristin ties them all together, as if they weren’t before, but she highlights Idina’s absence and the hole suddenly seems gaping. Here, all together, they can see the shades of green on familiar faces and the glint of glitter under light. The smell of a well-worked theater and thick makeup, the stained carpet and cramped hallways. Kristin tries to embrace the friendship and the shared memories, but her heart is beating DeeDeeDee along her ribs and she works her way through a glass of wine quickly.
They’ve finally ordered by the time Idina shows up in designer jeans and sparkling earrings, hair long and wavy and messy, and grinning at them like she isn’t an hour and a half late to her own dinner. She reaches for Shoshana first and holds her tight, and they finally remember that Idina may be a missing piece but she’s always kind of missing. She’s always a separate part- a leader, maybe, instead of a comrade. She makes her rounds, hesitating when she reaches Eden and Eden’s grown up eyes, trying to blow off the wall between her and Stephanie, and finally turning her eyes toward Kristin.
Kristin quits breathing