Grey's Anatomy: Finding My Way Back To You (2/3)
Fandom: Grey's Anatomy
Title: Finding My Way Back To You
Rating: PG13
Status: In progress (2/3)
Author: englishstrawbie
Characters/Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: Here.
Author's Note: post 7x10. My attempt at a "fix it" fic. You know how I said it was going to be a two chapter fic? It turns out I was wrong! The angst just keeps on comin' for now.
Part 1
New Year’s Eve - day
"Time of death: 15:24."
Callie threw the paddles down and sighed heavily. It had been a long shot. She had known going into the surgery that her patient's legs had been crushed beyond feasible repair but she had tried anyway. He was a husband and a father of three children. The family had been travelling home when a drink driver had hit them, forcing them off the road and down an embankment. The driver, who had apparently been celebrating the new year early, had escaped with barely a scratch on him. The victims of his recklessness were not so fortunate.
His wife had suffered a massive brain haemorrhage when her head hit the window and died on impact. The youngest of his children, an 18 month old boy, had been pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, his tiny body not strong enough to survive such a trauma. Callie had not heard what had happened to the other two children, but she knew that she didn't want them to start the new year having lost both parents. Yet it turned out that she couldn't stop that after all.
She grabbed her surgical mask and pulled it off, tossing it to one side. Leaving instructions with the nurses to clean him up, Callie took one last look at her patient before turning on her heel and stalking out of the OR. She hated losing patients, especially in such devastating circumstances, and she knew that feeling would stay with her for some time. All she wanted to do was finish her shift and go home, back to the sanctuary of her apartment where she could spend the evening snug in a pair of old jogging bottoms, watching trashy movies and drowning her feelings with a bottle of wine. But it wasn't to be. She had let Mark persuade her to go to the new year celebrations at Joe's tonight. If she hadn’t been in the mood before, she certainly wasn't now.
Outside the OR, Lexie was waiting for her. "How is he?" she asked, her forehead crinkled with concern.
Callie shook her head. "He didn't make it." She saw Lexie's shoulders slump, her face overcome with sadness. "How are the other kids?"
"Dr Robbins has one in surgery right now. She asked me to come and find you for an update. April has just taken the other one to radiology, he's okay except for a few cuts and bruises and a bad arm. She said something about a fracture and getting you to look at the x-ray when it's back."
As she spoke, something started to beep. They both grabbed their pagers to see if they were needed.
"It's Bailey, she needs me in the clinic," Lexie said. She took a couple of steps, then stopped. "Oh, but I need to update Dr Robbins..."
"It's ok, I'll do it," Callie offered, wanting to find out for herself what kind of a chance of survival the child had.
Lexie smiled gratefully. "She's in OR 3," she said before disappearing down the corridor.
Callie watched her rush off, then turned slowly and walked along the corridor to the OR. She paused at the door and peered through the small pane of glass. She could see Arizona hunched over her patient, a look of deep concentration across her face. Callie knew that she would have put herself under immense pressure in the circumstances.
They had barely spoken since Christmas Day. The Chief had agreed to reinstate Arizona as a Peds Attending, which meant there was no avoiding each other at work, but they still tried, managing polite conversation whenever they were forced to be in the same company. It no longer felt like they were arguing now that they had aired their feelings, but the lack of resolution left an awkward atmosphere between them. Arizona had not tried to talk to her again and the thought had passed Callie's mind several times whether telling her about Mark had been the final straw, despite Arizona's promise to fight for her. Not that Callie felt she had done anything wrong; Arizona had said it herself, she had left and Callie was free to do whatever she wanted - including sleeping with Mark. Yet Callie knew that Arizona wouldn’t see it as simply as that and her face had been full of pain when she left the apartment. For that, Callie was sorry.
Callie herself didn’t know how she felt about it. Mark had been there to comfort her and to make her feel better - her 'sorbet'. Only it hadn't made her feel better at all. Yes, it had been gratifying and for a few, brief moments she had felt less alone; but his hands were rough and his skin harsh against her own - so different to what she knew and wanted. Inevitably, thoughts of Arizona would come flooding back, or Mark would start talking about Lexie, and she would realise that they were just pretending to be okay and happy with each other's company, when deep down they were dreaming of someone else.
She stood outside in the corridor for a while, knowing that when she told them that the father had died it would cast a blanket of gloom over the OR. She could see Arizona's eyes flicking towards the clocking and knew that she was agitated as she waited for Lexie to return with an update. Every now and again she would bark orders at the scrub nurses, her voice never unkind but revealing a sense of desperation. With a deep breath, Callie opened the door and stepped in as quietly as she could. Arizona looked towards her immediately, their eyes meeting. She had always been able to read Callie's body language and she knew as soon as she saw the expression on Callie’s face what she had come to tell her.
"He didn't make it," Arizona stated sadly.
Callie shook her head and saw Arizona's shoulders slump, just as Lexie's had done.
"How's she doing?" Callie asked of the young girl on the operating table, stepping further into the OR.
Arizona sighed audibly. “I don’t know. She’s got tears in her liver and stomach, her kidneys are failing and she losing more blood than we can pump into her.”
A deathly silence fell over the OR. Everyone knew she was fighting a losing battle, including Arizona, but no-one was prepared to give up on this child just yet.
“What about Joshua?” Arizona asked suddenly, her eyes brightening in expectation.
“The other kid? Lexie said he was doing ok except for a bad arm. I’m on my way to see him now.”
Arizona nodded. She was comforted by the idea that Callie was going to taking care of him, trusting her skills as a doctor more than anything else.
“Are you going to be ok here?” Callie asked.
Arizona looked up at her. “I’ll be fine,” she said, trying to sound confident but her eyes giving her away. Callie gave her a small nod before leaving, knowing what the outcome would be the next time she saw her.
She made her way through the hospital slowly, wondering how long she could delay reaching the radiology department. She felt cowardly for not wanting this particular case. Most of the time, her job was simple. Broken bones could generally be fixed. But then there were cases like this one, where the medicine was secondary to the emotional injuries that had been suffered.
April was leaving radiology as Callie arrived, pushing a young boy of 9 or 10 years old in a wheelchair whilst trying to hold on to the x-rays under her arm.
“Dr Torres!” April called out when she saw Callie. “This is Joshua Madden, he’s 10 years old and he has a pretty nasty fracture of his right arm.”
She acknowledged April, before bending down and greeting Joshua with as a big a smile as she could muster.
“Hi Joshua. My name’s Callie,” she said kindly. “I’m an orthopaedic surgeon, do you know what that means?”
Joshua shook his head cautiously.
“It means I’m a bone doctor. In fact, I’m a very good bone doctor and I’m going to take a look at your arm. Is that ok?”
Joshua stared at her for a moment then nodded very slowly.
“Ok then, let’s get you to a room.”
Callie liked the peds ward; she had liked it ever since Bailey had taken her there to show her the ‘joy’. It felt like no matter what life threw at these children, there was always a feeling of optimism amongst them. Miracles and magic and fairydust, that’s what Arizona used to say; only Callie wasn’t sure that was going to be enough this time.
Grateful for small things, the x-ray showed that the fracture wasn’t serious enough for surgery. As Callie fixed the cast around his arm, she waited and waited, expecting him at any moment to ask about his family. She had no idea what she would say to him if he did ask.
He stayed quiet - worryingly so - as April talked to him, trying to distract him from what Callie was doing. If April couldn’t engage with him, then no-one could. A knock at the door got all their attention. Callie could see Arizona waiting outside.
“I have to go outside to speak to my friend, ok Joshua? You just wait here and I’ll be right back.”
She stood up and gestured to April to follow her outside. Closing the door behind them, Callie felt her heart sink when she saw Arizona’s grim expression.
“How is he?” Arizona asked.
“Physically, he’s ok. I’ve just put his arm in a cast,” Callie replied. “Emotionally, I don’t know. He hasn’t much. I haven’t told him about his dad. His sister?”
She already knew the answer.
“She died 20 minutes ago. I tried everything I could but…” Arizona’s voice trailed off. “What does he know?”
“The paramedics said that he knows his mom died,” April answered. “He saw her in the car. I don’t think he knows about his baby brother.”
“Poor kid,” Callie commented under his breath. She looked through the glass at him before turning back to Arizona, looking expectantly at her. “What do we do? Should we tell him?”
Arizona shook her head. “Social Services are on their way. We should probably wait until they’re here.”
Behind Callie, the door opened with surprising vigour. “Where’s my daddy?”
All three of them turned around at once to see Joshua peering up at them.
“Where’s my daddy?” he asked again. “Is he here? What about Lucy, where’s my sister?”
No-one spoke for a moment, not knowing what to say.
Taking the initiative, April held her hand out towards him. “Joshua, why don’t we go back inside the room and let Dr Torres and Dr Robbins finish their conversation?”
Joshua pulled away from her. “No, I want my daddy! Where’s my daddy?”
April took a step forwards, but Arizona caught her arm. “It’s ok,” she said quietly.
“Are you sure?” Callie asked softly.
Arizona nodded. She squatted down to meet his eye level. “Joshua, my name’s Arizona. I was looking after your sister, Lucy. I need to talk to you about her and your little brother and your daddy. Can we go inside the room?”
Joshua backed into the room, his eyes never leaving Arizona as she stood up.
“April, will you chase Social Services for me?”
April nodded and rushed down the corridor to the nurses’ station. Arizona looked at Callie. “Can you stay? …please?”
Callie nodded and followed her into the room. She watched as Arizona guided Joshua onto a chair and sat down opposite him, placing her hands gently on his knees. Callie stood behind her.
“You know your mommy died in the accident, don’t you Joshua?” she said gently.
Joshua sniffed and rubbed his nose, his eyes brimming with tears straight away. “The ambulance man said that she hurt her head.”
“Yes, she did,” Arizona said. “Joshua, I just came from treating your sister. She was in the backseat with you, right?
“And Matty was in between us,” Joshua said, referring to his baby brother.
“I have some really sad news. Your sister was hurt very badly too. She hurt her tummy and it made her bleed a lot inside. I tried to fix it but I couldn’t stop her from bleeding, and she died.”
Joshua looked wide-eyed at her. “Lucy died too?”
“Lucy died too.”
Joshua started to cry even more. “Did Matty get hurt too?”
“Yes, he did. He was so very young and the bump was too much for him. He died too.”
“What about my daddy? Where’s my daddy?”
Arizona bit her bottom lip as she watched his small body start to shake, unable to find any more words. She felt a warm hand on her back and she took a sharp inhale of breath as Callie knelt down beside her.
“Joshua, I was looking after your daddy,” Callie said. “The car that crashed into your car, it trapped your daddy’s legs. The firemen had to cut him out, but by the time they did, it was too late. I did everything I could, but I couldn’t save him.”
She saw Joshua shake his head. “No, daddy wouldn’t leave me.”
“Joshua…”
“No!” he shouted. “Daddy’s taking me go-karting next week for my birthday. He promised.”
“Joshua, they’re gone,” Arizona said, rubbing her hands gently over his legs. “I know you’re sad and I know it’s scary, but we’re going to make sure that you’re taken care of, alright? Dr Torres and I, we’re going to make sure that you’re ok.”
“No! I want my mommy and my daddy!” he said, pushing her away. The strength in his body took her by surprise as she hit the back of her chair. Stunned for a moment, she watched as Joshua jumped off his seat and ran towards the door, pulling it open and disappearing into the hallway.
“Joshua!” Callie called after him. “Shit, what do we do?”
Arizona didn’t answer her. She leapt off her chair and dashed out into the hallway, chasing after him. Callie followed her and watched from a distance. Joshua was fast, but Arizona was faster and she caught up with him, scooping him up easily in her arms. He fought against her, but Arizona was stronger than he was and she resisted his punches, holding him as tightly as she could and repeating over and over in his ear, “stop now”.
Callie felt her eyes stinging and realised they were full of tears. She reached up to her face, wiping her wet cheeks. At the nurses’ station, she saw April stood with two strangers - Social Services, she guessed. She saw them approaching Arizona and Callie reached them just as they were trying to coax Joshua out of Arizona’s arms. He was refusing to let go. Callie could see the pain in Arizona’s face as she spoke softly to him.
“Come on, sweetie. You need to let go now.”
Callie bent down in front of them. “Joshua? You know how Arizona told you that we would make sure that you’re ok? Well these people are here to take care of you. They’re going to take you somewhere safe where you can get some sleep.”
“I don’t wanna go,” came his muffled reply.
“But you can’t stay here,” Callie said gently but firmly. She reached for his good arm and tugged lightly, realising that he was not going to let go easily. “Come on, buddy. You have to let go.”
Joshua kicked his legs towards her but she held on to him. With the help of the social workers, they prised him away from Arizona’s body. Joshua howled as the social workers carried him away, the sound sending a shiver through Callie’s body.
Beside her, Arizona was still sitting on the floor.
Callie reached out her hand. “Arizona?”
Arizona looked up and accepted her hand, allowing Callie to pull her up to standing. Callie kept a hold of her hand. Their bodies were close and Arizona could smell the scent of her perfume.
“Are you ok?” Callie asked her softly.
Before Arizona could answer, one of the social workers came back towards them. “Excuse me, doctors? We need one of you to sign the papers.”
“I’ll do it,” Callie offered, squeezing Arizona’s hand before letting it go.
She turned and took the clipboard from the social worker, scanning the paperwork and signing the form at the bottom of the page. She handed it back and smiled gratefully to the social worker, before turning back to where she had left Arizona standing.
“Listen, do you want to grab some cof…”
Arizona was gone. Callie’s eyes flickered down the hallway but there was no sign of her. “Dammit,” she cursed under her breath, guessing that she had disappeared to one of the on-call rooms on the top floor, knowing that they were Arizona’s favourite hiding place.
Her pager alerted her to another emergency in the pit. Grateful for a distraction, but worried about what kind of state Arizona might be in, she had no choice but to respond.
The emergency was dealt with quickly. The patient’s broken fingers were way down the list to the many other problems she had and Callie was glad when Owen whisked her off to surgery, telling Callie that she wasn’t needed. Rolling her head around her neck, her shoulders ached with tension. Desperate for some peace, she made her way to the only place in the hospital that she knew would be quiet.
Arriving at the chapel, she was surprised to see that it was already occupied. From the doorway, she saw Arizona sat alone on one of the pews, her head lowered. Callie thought twice about going in, but she couldn’t stop herself from stepping inside, pulling the door closed behind her to give them some privacy.
She sat down next to Arizona and could see that her cheeks were stained with tears as she cried quietly.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t stay,” Arizona said through her tears.
“I know.”
Callie reached into her pocket and pulled out a handful of tissues. Arizona accepted them gratefully and tried to dry her eyes, failing as new tears replaced them.
“This is the last place I thought I’d find you,” Callie said.
Arizona sniffed as she tried to compose herself. “Whenever you have a bad case or there’s something on your mind, I always know that this is where I’ll find you. It’s like it brings you some comfort. I thought I would see if it worked for me.”
“Does it?” Callie asked gently.
“No.”
Callie reached across and took Arizona’s hand in her own, their physical connection only strengthening the emotional connection they had gained from today’s case.
“I ruined that boy’s life today,” Arizona said.
“Don’t say that,” Callie objected. “No, you didn’t. The only person to blame is the asshole who got drunk and then decided to drive his car.”
“But I did,” Arizona argued back. “To him, I did. I told him; I turned his life upside down. It’s my face he’ll see when he replays this day over and over. It’s my voice he’ll hear in his head.”
Her body shook as she struggled to keep her emotions under control. There was a part of her that hated that Callie was seeing her like this, but there was another part of her that was grateful. Callie understood her; she knew the way she worked and the way she let it into her life in this way. She had been grateful for Callie’s presence all afternoon.
“Mine too,” Callie whispered. “You’re not alone.”
“I hate this day, I hate it,” Arizona spat as her cries became sobs.
Callie caught her in an embrace as Arizona collapsed. Wrapping her arms around her shoulders, she pulled Arizona into her body, holding her as closely as she could. With Arizona’s head buried into her shoulder, Callie could feel her tears soaking into her scrub top. She had seen Arizona react to bad cases before, but not like this. Whatever issues were unresolved or arguments yet to be had, it was all forgotten in that moment as Arizona grasped at the material of her scrubs, clinging on to Callie with everything she had. Callie could feel her devastation, her own heart breaking, and she rocked her gently in her arms, repeating the same words over and over again.
“Stop now.”
Title: Finding My Way Back To You
Rating: PG13
Status: In progress (2/3)
Author: englishstrawbie
Characters/Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: Here.
Author's Note: post 7x10. My attempt at a "fix it" fic. You know how I said it was going to be a two chapter fic? It turns out I was wrong! The angst just keeps on comin' for now.
Part 1
New Year’s Eve - day
"Time of death: 15:24."
Callie threw the paddles down and sighed heavily. It had been a long shot. She had known going into the surgery that her patient's legs had been crushed beyond feasible repair but she had tried anyway. He was a husband and a father of three children. The family had been travelling home when a drink driver had hit them, forcing them off the road and down an embankment. The driver, who had apparently been celebrating the new year early, had escaped with barely a scratch on him. The victims of his recklessness were not so fortunate.
His wife had suffered a massive brain haemorrhage when her head hit the window and died on impact. The youngest of his children, an 18 month old boy, had been pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, his tiny body not strong enough to survive such a trauma. Callie had not heard what had happened to the other two children, but she knew that she didn't want them to start the new year having lost both parents. Yet it turned out that she couldn't stop that after all.
She grabbed her surgical mask and pulled it off, tossing it to one side. Leaving instructions with the nurses to clean him up, Callie took one last look at her patient before turning on her heel and stalking out of the OR. She hated losing patients, especially in such devastating circumstances, and she knew that feeling would stay with her for some time. All she wanted to do was finish her shift and go home, back to the sanctuary of her apartment where she could spend the evening snug in a pair of old jogging bottoms, watching trashy movies and drowning her feelings with a bottle of wine. But it wasn't to be. She had let Mark persuade her to go to the new year celebrations at Joe's tonight. If she hadn’t been in the mood before, she certainly wasn't now.
Outside the OR, Lexie was waiting for her. "How is he?" she asked, her forehead crinkled with concern.
Callie shook her head. "He didn't make it." She saw Lexie's shoulders slump, her face overcome with sadness. "How are the other kids?"
"Dr Robbins has one in surgery right now. She asked me to come and find you for an update. April has just taken the other one to radiology, he's okay except for a few cuts and bruises and a bad arm. She said something about a fracture and getting you to look at the x-ray when it's back."
As she spoke, something started to beep. They both grabbed their pagers to see if they were needed.
"It's Bailey, she needs me in the clinic," Lexie said. She took a couple of steps, then stopped. "Oh, but I need to update Dr Robbins..."
"It's ok, I'll do it," Callie offered, wanting to find out for herself what kind of a chance of survival the child had.
Lexie smiled gratefully. "She's in OR 3," she said before disappearing down the corridor.
Callie watched her rush off, then turned slowly and walked along the corridor to the OR. She paused at the door and peered through the small pane of glass. She could see Arizona hunched over her patient, a look of deep concentration across her face. Callie knew that she would have put herself under immense pressure in the circumstances.
They had barely spoken since Christmas Day. The Chief had agreed to reinstate Arizona as a Peds Attending, which meant there was no avoiding each other at work, but they still tried, managing polite conversation whenever they were forced to be in the same company. It no longer felt like they were arguing now that they had aired their feelings, but the lack of resolution left an awkward atmosphere between them. Arizona had not tried to talk to her again and the thought had passed Callie's mind several times whether telling her about Mark had been the final straw, despite Arizona's promise to fight for her. Not that Callie felt she had done anything wrong; Arizona had said it herself, she had left and Callie was free to do whatever she wanted - including sleeping with Mark. Yet Callie knew that Arizona wouldn’t see it as simply as that and her face had been full of pain when she left the apartment. For that, Callie was sorry.
Callie herself didn’t know how she felt about it. Mark had been there to comfort her and to make her feel better - her 'sorbet'. Only it hadn't made her feel better at all. Yes, it had been gratifying and for a few, brief moments she had felt less alone; but his hands were rough and his skin harsh against her own - so different to what she knew and wanted. Inevitably, thoughts of Arizona would come flooding back, or Mark would start talking about Lexie, and she would realise that they were just pretending to be okay and happy with each other's company, when deep down they were dreaming of someone else.
She stood outside in the corridor for a while, knowing that when she told them that the father had died it would cast a blanket of gloom over the OR. She could see Arizona's eyes flicking towards the clocking and knew that she was agitated as she waited for Lexie to return with an update. Every now and again she would bark orders at the scrub nurses, her voice never unkind but revealing a sense of desperation. With a deep breath, Callie opened the door and stepped in as quietly as she could. Arizona looked towards her immediately, their eyes meeting. She had always been able to read Callie's body language and she knew as soon as she saw the expression on Callie’s face what she had come to tell her.
"He didn't make it," Arizona stated sadly.
Callie shook her head and saw Arizona's shoulders slump, just as Lexie's had done.
"How's she doing?" Callie asked of the young girl on the operating table, stepping further into the OR.
Arizona sighed audibly. “I don’t know. She’s got tears in her liver and stomach, her kidneys are failing and she losing more blood than we can pump into her.”
A deathly silence fell over the OR. Everyone knew she was fighting a losing battle, including Arizona, but no-one was prepared to give up on this child just yet.
“What about Joshua?” Arizona asked suddenly, her eyes brightening in expectation.
“The other kid? Lexie said he was doing ok except for a bad arm. I’m on my way to see him now.”
Arizona nodded. She was comforted by the idea that Callie was going to taking care of him, trusting her skills as a doctor more than anything else.
“Are you going to be ok here?” Callie asked.
Arizona looked up at her. “I’ll be fine,” she said, trying to sound confident but her eyes giving her away. Callie gave her a small nod before leaving, knowing what the outcome would be the next time she saw her.
She made her way through the hospital slowly, wondering how long she could delay reaching the radiology department. She felt cowardly for not wanting this particular case. Most of the time, her job was simple. Broken bones could generally be fixed. But then there were cases like this one, where the medicine was secondary to the emotional injuries that had been suffered.
April was leaving radiology as Callie arrived, pushing a young boy of 9 or 10 years old in a wheelchair whilst trying to hold on to the x-rays under her arm.
“Dr Torres!” April called out when she saw Callie. “This is Joshua Madden, he’s 10 years old and he has a pretty nasty fracture of his right arm.”
She acknowledged April, before bending down and greeting Joshua with as a big a smile as she could muster.
“Hi Joshua. My name’s Callie,” she said kindly. “I’m an orthopaedic surgeon, do you know what that means?”
Joshua shook his head cautiously.
“It means I’m a bone doctor. In fact, I’m a very good bone doctor and I’m going to take a look at your arm. Is that ok?”
Joshua stared at her for a moment then nodded very slowly.
“Ok then, let’s get you to a room.”
Callie liked the peds ward; she had liked it ever since Bailey had taken her there to show her the ‘joy’. It felt like no matter what life threw at these children, there was always a feeling of optimism amongst them. Miracles and magic and fairydust, that’s what Arizona used to say; only Callie wasn’t sure that was going to be enough this time.
Grateful for small things, the x-ray showed that the fracture wasn’t serious enough for surgery. As Callie fixed the cast around his arm, she waited and waited, expecting him at any moment to ask about his family. She had no idea what she would say to him if he did ask.
He stayed quiet - worryingly so - as April talked to him, trying to distract him from what Callie was doing. If April couldn’t engage with him, then no-one could. A knock at the door got all their attention. Callie could see Arizona waiting outside.
“I have to go outside to speak to my friend, ok Joshua? You just wait here and I’ll be right back.”
She stood up and gestured to April to follow her outside. Closing the door behind them, Callie felt her heart sink when she saw Arizona’s grim expression.
“How is he?” Arizona asked.
“Physically, he’s ok. I’ve just put his arm in a cast,” Callie replied. “Emotionally, I don’t know. He hasn’t much. I haven’t told him about his dad. His sister?”
She already knew the answer.
“She died 20 minutes ago. I tried everything I could but…” Arizona’s voice trailed off. “What does he know?”
“The paramedics said that he knows his mom died,” April answered. “He saw her in the car. I don’t think he knows about his baby brother.”
“Poor kid,” Callie commented under his breath. She looked through the glass at him before turning back to Arizona, looking expectantly at her. “What do we do? Should we tell him?”
Arizona shook her head. “Social Services are on their way. We should probably wait until they’re here.”
Behind Callie, the door opened with surprising vigour. “Where’s my daddy?”
All three of them turned around at once to see Joshua peering up at them.
“Where’s my daddy?” he asked again. “Is he here? What about Lucy, where’s my sister?”
No-one spoke for a moment, not knowing what to say.
Taking the initiative, April held her hand out towards him. “Joshua, why don’t we go back inside the room and let Dr Torres and Dr Robbins finish their conversation?”
Joshua pulled away from her. “No, I want my daddy! Where’s my daddy?”
April took a step forwards, but Arizona caught her arm. “It’s ok,” she said quietly.
“Are you sure?” Callie asked softly.
Arizona nodded. She squatted down to meet his eye level. “Joshua, my name’s Arizona. I was looking after your sister, Lucy. I need to talk to you about her and your little brother and your daddy. Can we go inside the room?”
Joshua backed into the room, his eyes never leaving Arizona as she stood up.
“April, will you chase Social Services for me?”
April nodded and rushed down the corridor to the nurses’ station. Arizona looked at Callie. “Can you stay? …please?”
Callie nodded and followed her into the room. She watched as Arizona guided Joshua onto a chair and sat down opposite him, placing her hands gently on his knees. Callie stood behind her.
“You know your mommy died in the accident, don’t you Joshua?” she said gently.
Joshua sniffed and rubbed his nose, his eyes brimming with tears straight away. “The ambulance man said that she hurt her head.”
“Yes, she did,” Arizona said. “Joshua, I just came from treating your sister. She was in the backseat with you, right?
“And Matty was in between us,” Joshua said, referring to his baby brother.
“I have some really sad news. Your sister was hurt very badly too. She hurt her tummy and it made her bleed a lot inside. I tried to fix it but I couldn’t stop her from bleeding, and she died.”
Joshua looked wide-eyed at her. “Lucy died too?”
“Lucy died too.”
Joshua started to cry even more. “Did Matty get hurt too?”
“Yes, he did. He was so very young and the bump was too much for him. He died too.”
“What about my daddy? Where’s my daddy?”
Arizona bit her bottom lip as she watched his small body start to shake, unable to find any more words. She felt a warm hand on her back and she took a sharp inhale of breath as Callie knelt down beside her.
“Joshua, I was looking after your daddy,” Callie said. “The car that crashed into your car, it trapped your daddy’s legs. The firemen had to cut him out, but by the time they did, it was too late. I did everything I could, but I couldn’t save him.”
She saw Joshua shake his head. “No, daddy wouldn’t leave me.”
“Joshua…”
“No!” he shouted. “Daddy’s taking me go-karting next week for my birthday. He promised.”
“Joshua, they’re gone,” Arizona said, rubbing her hands gently over his legs. “I know you’re sad and I know it’s scary, but we’re going to make sure that you’re taken care of, alright? Dr Torres and I, we’re going to make sure that you’re ok.”
“No! I want my mommy and my daddy!” he said, pushing her away. The strength in his body took her by surprise as she hit the back of her chair. Stunned for a moment, she watched as Joshua jumped off his seat and ran towards the door, pulling it open and disappearing into the hallway.
“Joshua!” Callie called after him. “Shit, what do we do?”
Arizona didn’t answer her. She leapt off her chair and dashed out into the hallway, chasing after him. Callie followed her and watched from a distance. Joshua was fast, but Arizona was faster and she caught up with him, scooping him up easily in her arms. He fought against her, but Arizona was stronger than he was and she resisted his punches, holding him as tightly as she could and repeating over and over in his ear, “stop now”.
Callie felt her eyes stinging and realised they were full of tears. She reached up to her face, wiping her wet cheeks. At the nurses’ station, she saw April stood with two strangers - Social Services, she guessed. She saw them approaching Arizona and Callie reached them just as they were trying to coax Joshua out of Arizona’s arms. He was refusing to let go. Callie could see the pain in Arizona’s face as she spoke softly to him.
“Come on, sweetie. You need to let go now.”
Callie bent down in front of them. “Joshua? You know how Arizona told you that we would make sure that you’re ok? Well these people are here to take care of you. They’re going to take you somewhere safe where you can get some sleep.”
“I don’t wanna go,” came his muffled reply.
“But you can’t stay here,” Callie said gently but firmly. She reached for his good arm and tugged lightly, realising that he was not going to let go easily. “Come on, buddy. You have to let go.”
Joshua kicked his legs towards her but she held on to him. With the help of the social workers, they prised him away from Arizona’s body. Joshua howled as the social workers carried him away, the sound sending a shiver through Callie’s body.
Beside her, Arizona was still sitting on the floor.
Callie reached out her hand. “Arizona?”
Arizona looked up and accepted her hand, allowing Callie to pull her up to standing. Callie kept a hold of her hand. Their bodies were close and Arizona could smell the scent of her perfume.
“Are you ok?” Callie asked her softly.
Before Arizona could answer, one of the social workers came back towards them. “Excuse me, doctors? We need one of you to sign the papers.”
“I’ll do it,” Callie offered, squeezing Arizona’s hand before letting it go.
She turned and took the clipboard from the social worker, scanning the paperwork and signing the form at the bottom of the page. She handed it back and smiled gratefully to the social worker, before turning back to where she had left Arizona standing.
“Listen, do you want to grab some cof…”
Arizona was gone. Callie’s eyes flickered down the hallway but there was no sign of her. “Dammit,” she cursed under her breath, guessing that she had disappeared to one of the on-call rooms on the top floor, knowing that they were Arizona’s favourite hiding place.
Her pager alerted her to another emergency in the pit. Grateful for a distraction, but worried about what kind of state Arizona might be in, she had no choice but to respond.
The emergency was dealt with quickly. The patient’s broken fingers were way down the list to the many other problems she had and Callie was glad when Owen whisked her off to surgery, telling Callie that she wasn’t needed. Rolling her head around her neck, her shoulders ached with tension. Desperate for some peace, she made her way to the only place in the hospital that she knew would be quiet.
Arriving at the chapel, she was surprised to see that it was already occupied. From the doorway, she saw Arizona sat alone on one of the pews, her head lowered. Callie thought twice about going in, but she couldn’t stop herself from stepping inside, pulling the door closed behind her to give them some privacy.
She sat down next to Arizona and could see that her cheeks were stained with tears as she cried quietly.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t stay,” Arizona said through her tears.
“I know.”
Callie reached into her pocket and pulled out a handful of tissues. Arizona accepted them gratefully and tried to dry her eyes, failing as new tears replaced them.
“This is the last place I thought I’d find you,” Callie said.
Arizona sniffed as she tried to compose herself. “Whenever you have a bad case or there’s something on your mind, I always know that this is where I’ll find you. It’s like it brings you some comfort. I thought I would see if it worked for me.”
“Does it?” Callie asked gently.
“No.”
Callie reached across and took Arizona’s hand in her own, their physical connection only strengthening the emotional connection they had gained from today’s case.
“I ruined that boy’s life today,” Arizona said.
“Don’t say that,” Callie objected. “No, you didn’t. The only person to blame is the asshole who got drunk and then decided to drive his car.”
“But I did,” Arizona argued back. “To him, I did. I told him; I turned his life upside down. It’s my face he’ll see when he replays this day over and over. It’s my voice he’ll hear in his head.”
Her body shook as she struggled to keep her emotions under control. There was a part of her that hated that Callie was seeing her like this, but there was another part of her that was grateful. Callie understood her; she knew the way she worked and the way she let it into her life in this way. She had been grateful for Callie’s presence all afternoon.
“Mine too,” Callie whispered. “You’re not alone.”
“I hate this day, I hate it,” Arizona spat as her cries became sobs.
Callie caught her in an embrace as Arizona collapsed. Wrapping her arms around her shoulders, she pulled Arizona into her body, holding her as closely as she could. With Arizona’s head buried into her shoulder, Callie could feel her tears soaking into her scrub top. She had seen Arizona react to bad cases before, but not like this. Whatever issues were unresolved or arguments yet to be had, it was all forgotten in that moment as Arizona grasped at the material of her scrubs, clinging on to Callie with everything she had. Callie could feel her devastation, her own heart breaking, and she rocked her gently in her arms, repeating the same words over and over again.
“Stop now.”