Grey's Anatomy: Finding My Way Back To You (1/3)
Fandom: Grey's Anatomy
Title: Finding My Way Back To You
Rating: PG13
Status: In progress (1/3)
Author: englishstrawbie
Characters/Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: Here.
Author's Note: post 7x10. My attempt at a "fix it" fic but not in this chapter - for now, it's angsty.
Christmas Day
Callie swirled the dark liquid around, watching it stain the glass before taking a long, slow sip. She savoured the taste for a moment before swallowing. With a heavy sigh, she topped up her glass with more red wine and wandered over to the sofa, sitting squarely in the middle and lifting her legs onto the coffee table in front of her. She leaned back into the soft cushions and closed her eyes, blanking out the empty room. She had moved back into her own apartment now but it had been a slow process getting her stuff out of storage. She had started with her furniture and the important things like her sofa and bed. The kitchen remained empty except for a few things that Mark had let her borrow.
She certainly hadn’t bothered to find her Christmas decorations. There was no Christmas tree this year; no lights or tinsel or baubles; no holly wreathes; no candles filling the air with the scent of festive spices. It wasn’t that Callie didn’t like Christmas. She had always enjoyed the holiday, it’s just that this year was different. Six months ago, they had been talking about a Christmas in Spain or Fiji; a few months later, she had been trying to get her head around a Christmas in Africa. Now the season was here and she found herself in an unexpected place: alone.
They still hadn’t spoken properly since Arizona had turned up unexpectedly on her doorstep. Her words still echoed in Callie’s ears.
”So I say that I miss my girlfriend, like I really miss her…”
The initial happiness she felt at seeing Arizona standing in front of her had quickly changed to anger and resentment. How dare she turn up like that and expect Callie to welcome her back so easily? Well, maybe Arizona had missed her but she’d get over it, Callie thought, just as she had done.
Except Callie wasn’t over it. Not even close.
Every time Arizona knocked on the door, Callie wanted to open it. Every time Arizona called her cell phone, Callie wanted to answer it. Every time Arizona turned up at the hospital to convince her to talk to her, Callie wanted to agree. Yet every time she said no. She felt angry and spiteful, but most of all she was afraid. She was afraid that her heart would get broken once again. So every time she said no.
Callie took another gulp of wine. She had told herself that she wouldn’t think about Arizona today. She had offered to work but the Chief had not scheduled her on a shift until tomorrow, which left her rattling around the empty apartment by herself. She had retrieved her television and a bunch of old horror movies on DVD. She wasn’t in the mood for soppy Christmas movies, but horror films, with all their blood and guts and terror, were perfect for how she was feeling.
As she reached for the remote control, there was a loud knock at the door. Assuming that it was her pizza delivery, she grabbed her purse and made her way to the door. The smell of melted cheese and pepperoni filled her nostrils as soon as she opened it wide, but the cute pizza delivery guy who had been on duty for the last few days was nowhere to be seen.
“You owe me $15,” Arizona said, holding out the pizza.
With a roll of her eyes and without saying a word, Callie snatched the pizza from her and thrust the money into Arizona’s hands, then closed the door. Arizona immediately started pounding the door with her fist. Callie ignored it, as she usually did, and waited for Arizona to give up and go away.
She waited and waited, but the pounding continued.
“Calliope Torres, open the door!” Arizona yelled.
Callie closed her eyes, trying to block out the noise, but failing.
“I’m not going anywhere, not this time, so you’d better just open this damn door!” Arizona cried.
With a frustrated sigh, Callie walked back towards the door and yanked it open just as Arizona was about to knock again, causing her to over-balance slightly.
“What?” Callie said gruffly.
“Will you talk to me please?” Arizona begged.
Callie shook her head sadly. “I have nothing to say to you.”
She tried to close the door but Arizona reacted quickly, sticking her foot over the threshold to stop her and holding up her hand to stop the door from hitting her in the face. She didn’t wait for an invitation and instead walked into the apartment, her body language suggesting that she was more confident than she felt inside. She could feel her heart beating faster in her chest, ready for the inevitable argument that was sure to follow, but hopeful that there was some chance of clearing the air. She stood in the middle of the room and watched Callie as she threw the pizza onto the dining table, before turning around to face Arizona, her arms folded petulantly against her chest.
“I don’t believe that,” Arizona said. “I left you in the middle of an airport and went to Africa for two months. Do you really have nothing to say about that?”
Callie shrugged nonchalantly. “You went away. I cut my hair, then I got over it. You should too.”
Arizona’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. She had expected anger and didn’t really know how to deal with this quiet, cold reaction. “Calliope…”
“Don’t,” Callie interrupted, holding a finger up towards Arizona. “Don’t you dare Calliope me.”
Arizona raised her eyebrows at the brief appearance of anger in Callie’s eyes.
“I know I screwed up,” Arizona admitted. “I don’t think it was all my fault, but I shouldn’t have let it get that far. I knew you weren’t happy with the idea of going to Africa, but I guess I hoped that you’d get used to the idea; that you would understand why I wanted to go and that you would learn to love it. But you didn’t and I saw it playing out in my head that one day you’d wake up hating me for taking you there.”
“You’re blaming me?” Callie cried incredulously. “All I did was try to fit into your little plan. But you made the decision to go alone and you made the decision to just leave me at the airport. You didn’t even give me a chance!”
“It’s not what I wanted,” Arizona fought back. “I wanted to share it with you. I wanted it to be our adventure.”
“No, you didn’t. It was always your adventure. I was just tagging along,” Callie said bitterly. “You made the decision to go to Africa and you just assumed that I would be ok with it. Well, I wasn’t. But what did you care?”
“I cared!” Arizona defended.
“Really? Tell me this, Arizona: If I’d said no to Africa and asked you to not to go, would you even have thought about staying?”
Arizona opened her mouth but no words came out. She didn’t know how to answer.
Callie smiled sadly. “I thought so.”
Arizona shook her head. “Ok, I left,” she conceded. “I’m as bad as everyone else. That’s what you think, right? George and Erica, I left you just like they did. Except I’m not like them, Callie. I came back.”
“Am I supposed to be grateful?” Callie asked, astounded by her statement.
“I came back,” Arizona repeated, as she tried to remember all the things she knew she wanted to say. “I came back for you.”
“Well, you shouldn’t have bothered,” Callie said unkindly. “Go back to Africa, Arizona. It’s where you belong.”
Callie moved, side-stepping Arizona as if she was going to direct her out of the door. Arizona stopped her, standing in front of her and glaring at her.
“No,” Arizona said forcefully. “No, I belong here, with you. I thought that I was doing the right thing by going to Africa on my own, because I knew you didn’t really want to go, and I thought that I could do it without you, but I was wrong. I was there to do amazing things and I couldn’t concentrate because all I could think about was you.”
“Oh what, I ruined Africa for you again?” Callie spat.
“Oh God!” Arizona cried in frustration. “Don’t you get it? I love you. And I know you love me too.”
“No,” Callie said.
“You do, I know you do,” Arizona said. “You’re mad at me and I understand. You can keep yelling at me but I’m not giving up. I came back here to fight for you. No-one’s ever done that, right? No-one’s ever fought for you? Well I am; and I’m going to keep on fighting for you no matter what you say or what you do.”
Callie stared at her. “No matter what, huh? No matter if I told you that I burned all the photos of us because I didn’t want to remember what we had? No matter if I told you that I threw out all the things you ever bought me because I couldn’t bear to look at them?”
“No.”
“What if I told you that I’ve been sleeping with Mark?”
She saw shock flash across Arizona’s face as her resilience faltered.
“What?” Arizona asked so breathlessly that Callie barely heard her.
“I’ve been sleeping with Mark,” she repeated, more quietly this time. “I was sleeping with Mark, until he got back with Lexie.”
“Oh,” was all that Arizona could say. She reached out her hands and grabbed the table, falling into the chair beside her. “Oh.”
Arizona felt her head spinning. Callie had slept with Mark. No, that’s not what she said. She’d been sleeping with Mark, like it was some kind of regular thing. Arizona knew that she would have leaned on Mark after she had left, but Callie had always reassured her that any physical attraction between them - at least on her part - was well and truly in the past. Only apparently that wasn’t true. She didn’t know what to think any more, or how to feel. She had come back to fight for Callie because she loved her, only some how that felt tainted now.
Callie sat down on the chair opposite her, feeling awkward suddenly. She could see the hurt etched across Arizona’s face. It was the reaction that she had been hoping for, but now she saw it, she wished she hadn’t blurted it out so spitefully.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you like that.”
“No, it’s ok,” Arizona said unconvincingly. She lifted her eyes to meet Callie’s. She looked different, all of sudden. “It’s better that I know.”
The room fell quiet as their yelling subsided and they sat together, not speaking, the smell of the cold pizza between them irritating them both. Callie had been prepared to argue, feeling some relief at finally letting out the pent up anger that she had lived with for the last couple of months. She had not been prepared for silence.
“The nights were the hardest,” Arizona said suddenly. “It wasn’t our bed. The sheets were scratchy and I was cold. I was in the middle of the frickin’ desert and I was cold because you weren’t there sleeping next to me. I used to lie awake because I couldn’t sleep without you and I wondered if there was any chance you were feeling the same. How wrong was I?”
She felt a tear escaping from her eye and she wiped it away quickly.
“Arizona…”
“I know. I have no right to feel upset. I left, and you were free to do whatever you wanted,” Arizona interrupted, putting words in Callie’s mouth. “But I am upset because I thought… I don’t know, I just didn’t think that would happen.”
Arizona stood up. “I should go,” she announced as she walked towards the door. There was no more fight left in her tonight.
Callie stood up from her seat, wanting to say something, but there were no words in her mouth.
Arizona paused at the door. “I do love you,” she said softly. “I came back here to fight for you and I’m going to do that. Just… just not tonight.”
Callie watched her go without saying a word, full of mixed feelings. She wanted her to go, she wanted her to stay; she wanted to keep yelling, she wanted to find peace; she wanted to push her away, she wanted to hold her tight. How could one person invoke so many emotions in her?
She sat back down and dropped her head into her hands, rubbing her temples. She had tried so hard to forget her, believing that their relationship was over forever; except Arizona had come back from Africa to fight for her. No-one had ever fought for her before, but how could she put her heart out there knowing that this woman could easily break it once again?
She felt tears starting to form in her eyes and she let them flow. There was no more fight in either of them tonight.
Title: Finding My Way Back To You
Rating: PG13
Status: In progress (1/3)
Author: englishstrawbie
Characters/Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: Here.
Author's Note: post 7x10. My attempt at a "fix it" fic but not in this chapter - for now, it's angsty.
Christmas Day
Callie swirled the dark liquid around, watching it stain the glass before taking a long, slow sip. She savoured the taste for a moment before swallowing. With a heavy sigh, she topped up her glass with more red wine and wandered over to the sofa, sitting squarely in the middle and lifting her legs onto the coffee table in front of her. She leaned back into the soft cushions and closed her eyes, blanking out the empty room. She had moved back into her own apartment now but it had been a slow process getting her stuff out of storage. She had started with her furniture and the important things like her sofa and bed. The kitchen remained empty except for a few things that Mark had let her borrow.
She certainly hadn’t bothered to find her Christmas decorations. There was no Christmas tree this year; no lights or tinsel or baubles; no holly wreathes; no candles filling the air with the scent of festive spices. It wasn’t that Callie didn’t like Christmas. She had always enjoyed the holiday, it’s just that this year was different. Six months ago, they had been talking about a Christmas in Spain or Fiji; a few months later, she had been trying to get her head around a Christmas in Africa. Now the season was here and she found herself in an unexpected place: alone.
They still hadn’t spoken properly since Arizona had turned up unexpectedly on her doorstep. Her words still echoed in Callie’s ears.
”So I say that I miss my girlfriend, like I really miss her…”
The initial happiness she felt at seeing Arizona standing in front of her had quickly changed to anger and resentment. How dare she turn up like that and expect Callie to welcome her back so easily? Well, maybe Arizona had missed her but she’d get over it, Callie thought, just as she had done.
Except Callie wasn’t over it. Not even close.
Every time Arizona knocked on the door, Callie wanted to open it. Every time Arizona called her cell phone, Callie wanted to answer it. Every time Arizona turned up at the hospital to convince her to talk to her, Callie wanted to agree. Yet every time she said no. She felt angry and spiteful, but most of all she was afraid. She was afraid that her heart would get broken once again. So every time she said no.
Callie took another gulp of wine. She had told herself that she wouldn’t think about Arizona today. She had offered to work but the Chief had not scheduled her on a shift until tomorrow, which left her rattling around the empty apartment by herself. She had retrieved her television and a bunch of old horror movies on DVD. She wasn’t in the mood for soppy Christmas movies, but horror films, with all their blood and guts and terror, were perfect for how she was feeling.
As she reached for the remote control, there was a loud knock at the door. Assuming that it was her pizza delivery, she grabbed her purse and made her way to the door. The smell of melted cheese and pepperoni filled her nostrils as soon as she opened it wide, but the cute pizza delivery guy who had been on duty for the last few days was nowhere to be seen.
“You owe me $15,” Arizona said, holding out the pizza.
With a roll of her eyes and without saying a word, Callie snatched the pizza from her and thrust the money into Arizona’s hands, then closed the door. Arizona immediately started pounding the door with her fist. Callie ignored it, as she usually did, and waited for Arizona to give up and go away.
She waited and waited, but the pounding continued.
“Calliope Torres, open the door!” Arizona yelled.
Callie closed her eyes, trying to block out the noise, but failing.
“I’m not going anywhere, not this time, so you’d better just open this damn door!” Arizona cried.
With a frustrated sigh, Callie walked back towards the door and yanked it open just as Arizona was about to knock again, causing her to over-balance slightly.
“What?” Callie said gruffly.
“Will you talk to me please?” Arizona begged.
Callie shook her head sadly. “I have nothing to say to you.”
She tried to close the door but Arizona reacted quickly, sticking her foot over the threshold to stop her and holding up her hand to stop the door from hitting her in the face. She didn’t wait for an invitation and instead walked into the apartment, her body language suggesting that she was more confident than she felt inside. She could feel her heart beating faster in her chest, ready for the inevitable argument that was sure to follow, but hopeful that there was some chance of clearing the air. She stood in the middle of the room and watched Callie as she threw the pizza onto the dining table, before turning around to face Arizona, her arms folded petulantly against her chest.
“I don’t believe that,” Arizona said. “I left you in the middle of an airport and went to Africa for two months. Do you really have nothing to say about that?”
Callie shrugged nonchalantly. “You went away. I cut my hair, then I got over it. You should too.”
Arizona’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. She had expected anger and didn’t really know how to deal with this quiet, cold reaction. “Calliope…”
“Don’t,” Callie interrupted, holding a finger up towards Arizona. “Don’t you dare Calliope me.”
Arizona raised her eyebrows at the brief appearance of anger in Callie’s eyes.
“I know I screwed up,” Arizona admitted. “I don’t think it was all my fault, but I shouldn’t have let it get that far. I knew you weren’t happy with the idea of going to Africa, but I guess I hoped that you’d get used to the idea; that you would understand why I wanted to go and that you would learn to love it. But you didn’t and I saw it playing out in my head that one day you’d wake up hating me for taking you there.”
“You’re blaming me?” Callie cried incredulously. “All I did was try to fit into your little plan. But you made the decision to go alone and you made the decision to just leave me at the airport. You didn’t even give me a chance!”
“It’s not what I wanted,” Arizona fought back. “I wanted to share it with you. I wanted it to be our adventure.”
“No, you didn’t. It was always your adventure. I was just tagging along,” Callie said bitterly. “You made the decision to go to Africa and you just assumed that I would be ok with it. Well, I wasn’t. But what did you care?”
“I cared!” Arizona defended.
“Really? Tell me this, Arizona: If I’d said no to Africa and asked you to not to go, would you even have thought about staying?”
Arizona opened her mouth but no words came out. She didn’t know how to answer.
Callie smiled sadly. “I thought so.”
Arizona shook her head. “Ok, I left,” she conceded. “I’m as bad as everyone else. That’s what you think, right? George and Erica, I left you just like they did. Except I’m not like them, Callie. I came back.”
“Am I supposed to be grateful?” Callie asked, astounded by her statement.
“I came back,” Arizona repeated, as she tried to remember all the things she knew she wanted to say. “I came back for you.”
“Well, you shouldn’t have bothered,” Callie said unkindly. “Go back to Africa, Arizona. It’s where you belong.”
Callie moved, side-stepping Arizona as if she was going to direct her out of the door. Arizona stopped her, standing in front of her and glaring at her.
“No,” Arizona said forcefully. “No, I belong here, with you. I thought that I was doing the right thing by going to Africa on my own, because I knew you didn’t really want to go, and I thought that I could do it without you, but I was wrong. I was there to do amazing things and I couldn’t concentrate because all I could think about was you.”
“Oh what, I ruined Africa for you again?” Callie spat.
“Oh God!” Arizona cried in frustration. “Don’t you get it? I love you. And I know you love me too.”
“No,” Callie said.
“You do, I know you do,” Arizona said. “You’re mad at me and I understand. You can keep yelling at me but I’m not giving up. I came back here to fight for you. No-one’s ever done that, right? No-one’s ever fought for you? Well I am; and I’m going to keep on fighting for you no matter what you say or what you do.”
Callie stared at her. “No matter what, huh? No matter if I told you that I burned all the photos of us because I didn’t want to remember what we had? No matter if I told you that I threw out all the things you ever bought me because I couldn’t bear to look at them?”
“No.”
“What if I told you that I’ve been sleeping with Mark?”
She saw shock flash across Arizona’s face as her resilience faltered.
“What?” Arizona asked so breathlessly that Callie barely heard her.
“I’ve been sleeping with Mark,” she repeated, more quietly this time. “I was sleeping with Mark, until he got back with Lexie.”
“Oh,” was all that Arizona could say. She reached out her hands and grabbed the table, falling into the chair beside her. “Oh.”
Arizona felt her head spinning. Callie had slept with Mark. No, that’s not what she said. She’d been sleeping with Mark, like it was some kind of regular thing. Arizona knew that she would have leaned on Mark after she had left, but Callie had always reassured her that any physical attraction between them - at least on her part - was well and truly in the past. Only apparently that wasn’t true. She didn’t know what to think any more, or how to feel. She had come back to fight for Callie because she loved her, only some how that felt tainted now.
Callie sat down on the chair opposite her, feeling awkward suddenly. She could see the hurt etched across Arizona’s face. It was the reaction that she had been hoping for, but now she saw it, she wished she hadn’t blurted it out so spitefully.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you like that.”
“No, it’s ok,” Arizona said unconvincingly. She lifted her eyes to meet Callie’s. She looked different, all of sudden. “It’s better that I know.”
The room fell quiet as their yelling subsided and they sat together, not speaking, the smell of the cold pizza between them irritating them both. Callie had been prepared to argue, feeling some relief at finally letting out the pent up anger that she had lived with for the last couple of months. She had not been prepared for silence.
“The nights were the hardest,” Arizona said suddenly. “It wasn’t our bed. The sheets were scratchy and I was cold. I was in the middle of the frickin’ desert and I was cold because you weren’t there sleeping next to me. I used to lie awake because I couldn’t sleep without you and I wondered if there was any chance you were feeling the same. How wrong was I?”
She felt a tear escaping from her eye and she wiped it away quickly.
“Arizona…”
“I know. I have no right to feel upset. I left, and you were free to do whatever you wanted,” Arizona interrupted, putting words in Callie’s mouth. “But I am upset because I thought… I don’t know, I just didn’t think that would happen.”
Arizona stood up. “I should go,” she announced as she walked towards the door. There was no more fight left in her tonight.
Callie stood up from her seat, wanting to say something, but there were no words in her mouth.
Arizona paused at the door. “I do love you,” she said softly. “I came back here to fight for you and I’m going to do that. Just… just not tonight.”
Callie watched her go without saying a word, full of mixed feelings. She wanted her to go, she wanted her to stay; she wanted to keep yelling, she wanted to find peace; she wanted to push her away, she wanted to hold her tight. How could one person invoke so many emotions in her?
She sat back down and dropped her head into her hands, rubbing her temples. She had tried so hard to forget her, believing that their relationship was over forever; except Arizona had come back from Africa to fight for her. No-one had ever fought for her before, but how could she put her heart out there knowing that this woman could easily break it once again?
She felt tears starting to form in her eyes and she let them flow. There was no more fight in either of them tonight.