Round 1 Strangers: Dante's Cove
I know as a mod I'm not supposed to play favorites, but oh my god. If you only read one fandom post this round, read this one.
Dante's Cove
Vid Used
“Sugar Pie Honey Bunch” by suzvoy
http://suzvoy.livejournal.com/1847230.html (link contains spoilers)
recommended by kassidy62
Grokker Synopsis
The year is 1840 and the place is Dante's Cove, on a small island. Genre for this show? Ha! Part speculative/horror, part Beach Blanket Bingo, and all camp.
Grace happens upon her fiancé Ambrosius getting porked by his beloved butler or valet, whatever. Grace, being a witch (who practices something called Tresum), fries the butler or valet, whatever, with her flaming red eyes, throws Ambrosius down into the basement and locks him there. Turns him into an old man, cursed to remain there for eternity unless he gets a young man to kiss him and so set him free.
Present day Laguna Beach: Kevin moves to Dante's Cove to be with his boyfriend, Toby, who lives at the Hotel Dante. Kev goes down to the basement and Ambrosius gets his kiss and turns back to teh pretty. Ambrosius bleeds Kev for fun and then Kev fucks him blind, all in a fugue state. Kev has to go to the hospital thanks to Ambro asshole having made him cut himself.
The naked butt scene at the lighthouse: Ambrosius summons Kev for some more fucking. Kev goes back to hospital afterwards, and Grace boils his ass for his trouble. So he's ded.
Until Ambrosius visits the hospital and kisses him back to life, naturally. He'd been passing all those years in the basement by learning the craft of Tresum. Never mind how, that's Season 2.
There's a quick scene of children in distress in the video: they're a couple of ghost kids haunting the Dante after being flash-fried at the house in the 1950s.
Quick scene of Great Boy Happiness in the vid: that's our Ross and Rachel, aka Toby and Kevin, having sex in the pool.
Then Ambrosius, having decided Kevin is his Best Beloved For All Eternity, goes to the hotel to kill his competition, Toby, but the ghost children dissuade him. He attempts to kill Toby several more times; Grace taunts Ambrosius several more times. Ambrosius bangs Cory, a fellow he's bespelled, and imagines he's banging Kevin (as we see in the mirror).
It's all good.
The end.
Stranger Synopses
Stranger 1
All I knew about this fandom was:
(Did not specify.)
Here's what this fandom is really about:
So there are these two guys, a brunette and a blonde. For the purposes of this synopsis, the blonde will be named Bob and the brunette will be named Tom. (Because this could get confusing REALLY quickly!) Bob is from out of town, and comes to stay at the Hotel Dante in Laguna Beach. He is bad news. Tom, who has magical powers, is supposed to kill him. However, he finds Bob pretty (as one does!) and the desire for sex stays his hand. There is another brunette man, who we will refer to as Karl. Karl is sent by a redheaded woman (who we will be calling Cindy) to get Tom to kill Bob, instead of fucking him. Tom threatens Karl with his pretty balls of fire that spout from his hands. When Karl becomes too much of a nuisance, Tom kills Karl, and throws him into the ocean. Tom tries to rape Bob to get him to leave town. I'm not sure if this is successful or not, because Bob ends up in the hospital, where Cindy decides to kill him (or eat his soul, can't quite tell which). Tom, who apparently has a psychic connection to Bob, wakes up and runs to the hospital to save his life. And there is much tying of people up, and having sex while looking in mirrors, and possible stealing of youth. But all with boy kissing and magic!
Stranger 2
All I knew about this fandom was:
Absolutely nothing. Had never even heard the name before. Completely and utterly clueless about anything to do with it.
Here's what this fandom is really about:
Going with your keywords starting point ...
Genre - Supernatural + Reincarnation
Premise - Present day characters recall their past supernatural life.
Setting - Laguna Beach, present-day / Europe, middle ages
Size of Cast - About five main characters.
Characters - Surfer dude, mysterious guy, dark leader, evil witch (Tracy Scoggins)
Relationships - Twisted and sick? Uhm, a love/lust with some hate thrown in relationship between the two male leads. A once upon a time love/now wild, raging hate relationship between dark-haired lead male and Tracy Scoggins' evil witch.
Plot: A present day surfer stud meets some mysterious guy who he knew in a previous life. In that previous life, it was supernatural and he was an innocent who stumbled into this dark world where he fell in love with the lead dark dude who had a love/hate relationship with some witchy character played by Tracy Scoggins (I think that was the actress). And in that dark world, the lead guy is trying to be good, and is motivated by his love/lust for surfer dude. However, everyone else wants him to be bad and they exploit him (especially Tracy Scoggins/evil witch), using his one weakness: Surfer stud/innocent. Oh, and the surfer dude as an innocent in the past life is fascinated by the dakrness of it all and that's why he and dark lead guy are always fighting because dark lead guy wants to be good, but his little lovemuffin likes exploring the dark side. Back to present day, a twisted sexual relationship is forming between surfer stud and the guy he met who has introduced him to his supernatural, dark past. (I don't think it's the same guy. Could be, though and his hairstyle was just different enough in the present day.)
Stranger 3
All I knew about this fandom was:
Nothing at all.
Here's what this fandom is really about:
Ah, Dante's Cove. That nutty soap opera about two gay vampires in love, lust, and usually leather. Of course, they weren't always gay...
One hundred years ago, a young boy and a young girl (no relation--one hopes) begged their parents to attend a Bram Stoker convention at the Dante Hotel. None of the parents were very smart, however, and therefore failed to use the not-yet-existant internet to research said hotel and find out that it was, in fact, a gravestone. They just sent their kids off on trains to their convention...where the boy and girl were turned into vampires. But at least they were given cake. As vampires, they grew up (and never lost their sunbathing fetish--yes, I know this makes no sense according to any known vampire lore ever, but just go with it, okay?), and enjoyed a liberally pair-bonded civil union of the night. He became Dark, Smoldery, Likes Top Hats; she became I Used To Be On Babylon 5 Once, You Know! Life was grand.
But a lot can change in a hundred years, especially for a couple of vampires in Laguna Beach. D,S, LTH gave up the frock coats for black leather and became Man, That Angel Dude's Cool (Or Is Spike Even Cooler?), took up Recreational Beach Emo (just like his TV hero in the 3rd season finale), and decided he was bored with the taco and wanted to give hot dogs a try. IUTBOB5O, YK! was kicked to the curb for a succession of sweaty, swarthy young men.
But she would not give up. Capturing that poor schmuck, Androgynous Old Thing, she strung it up in her witchy basement (once the headquarters for so much toothy love), so that she might periodically drain his life force and turn herself into a studly young blond vampire man known as Motorcycle Jackets Are Still Cool, Right? (Not Too 90s?). In her new guise as MJASC, R (NT9s?), she would recapture the love of her beloved M, TADC (OISEC?)...even if he had learned to make a serious grouchy face and punch people with fireballs.
They would be lovers again...or undie trying.
Stranger 4
All I knew about this fandom was:
Well, thanks to the sign-up poll, I knew there was a fandom called Dante's Cove. In other words: Hello! My name is Blank Slate.
Here's what this fandom is really about:
I'm from the Institute on Magical Sex Slavery, here to help you understand the finer points of our recently-produced PSA, Dante's Cove.
First, let's look at the core message of the PSA - sorry, I believe in these parts you call it a "fandom." This is as follows:
Magical sex slavery can kind of suck! Like, literally, with vampires, and literally, with sex, but also literally with the actual not-being-good kind of sucking! (P.S. Don't buttfuck in front of jealous witches.)
So let's keep that in mind, people, as we move deeper into Dante's Cove. Oh, but first I want to emphasize that this is a serious source (um - show? Movie? Visual media thing of some kind?) about serious problems, and if those problems happen to cause a fair amount of frolicking and gay sex, well, I trust you all to handle it with the maturity and dignity the topic requires, and not to let that shift your attention from the crucial central message. (Which, just to refocus on that message a bit: magical sex slavery = bad, jealous witches = not to be fucked in front of.)
Now, let us delve into the tragic tale of magical sex slavery as depicted in Dante's Cove.
Our story begins at some indeterminate point in the probably-past, where two guys break the No Buttsex in Front of Jealous Witches rule, and are immediately smited with some stunning displays of terrible special effects. Note particularly the introduction of the Chains of Sexual Misbehavior, here: these are a frequent side effect of sex in front of jealous witches. Don't let the Chains of Sexual Misbehavior happen to you, innocent viewer! (And how do we avoid this? That's right: checking the room thoroughly for jealous witches before we do any buttfucking. I'm glad to see you've been paying attention.)
A single incident of thoughtless buttsex can have have terrible and far-reaching consequences, as shown by Laguna Beach, in a present day horribly marred by the buttsex-related tragedies of the past, so that random men in wifebeaters and tight jeans lean against distressed walls all over the place. Yes, it's true: buttfucking can alter the fabric of reality. Don't let this happen to your continuum!
And so the inevitable consequences of magical sex slavery play out. The Chains of Sexual Misbehavior release their captive, who goes on a bloodsucking rampage through the distressed-wall-leaning-guys of Laguna Beach. And, as we all know - Anne Rice was not the first researcher in this field, but certainly her work has been seminal - bloodsucking leads to gay sex.
Let's review our work to this point.
Buttsex in front of jealous witches => Chains of Sexual Misbehavior =>hideous warping of space and time => bloodsucking => more buttsex.
That is what we in the field - the rapidly growing field of magical sex slavery prevention - call a positive feedback loop. The result, of course, is ever-increasing amounts of biting, buttsex, and bondage (these are the three warning Bs of magical sex slavery, people!), until the entire population of Laguna Beach (at least the smooth-chested male portion of it, which is of course basically everyone) is just totally exhausted, unable to do anything but lounge around near their bondage headboards.
The second part of the PSA - I'm sorry, right, "fandom" - explores the topic of remediation. In other words: if you find yourself caught in a positive feedback loop of magical sex slavery, what can you do? Because eventually you are going to run out of lube.
First, we see our heroes attempt to take the most traditional approaches: flying disappearing axes, followed by throttling the life out of any jealous witches you might have handy. These are research-tested practices that have saved many a city from the blight of excessive buttsex. They are your first line of defense, should you ever find yourself caught in magical sex slavery.
In Dante's Cove, however, the situation is too extreme, and traditional solutions do not work. The victims next resort to cutting-edge techniques (and not that I wish to brag, but many of them were developed by the Institute on Magical Sex Slavery), including variable implementation of the Chains of Sexual Misbehavior (try them on everyone - jealous witches, magical sex slaves, your grandma, whoever!), palm flames (not recommended except for certified practitioners), red kryptonite (typically only available in Kansas), and eating a sandwich (everyone could use a sandwich; we at the Institute like provolone on rye with lettuce, tomato, and mustard).
But, again, the problem is too severe. Sometimes, even sandwiches fail.
However, our heroes do not despair, and neither should you, for there is always one sure-fire cure for magical sex slavery: buttsex in front of a mirror. As the mirror reflects the magical sex energy back into the victims, the cycle is broken. (After that, any further buttfucking is entirely the responsibility of the parties involved.)
What are our take-home lessons today?
Stranger 5
All I knew about this fandom was:
It was about Teh Gay.
Here's what this fandom is really about:
OK, so there's a helpful title card that places this at "Laguna Beach: Present Day." I'm also going to add "Presently Gay," because that seems to be a MINOR THEME in this vid. We start off with a chick walking in on a couple of guys… hmm… how to put this… shagging like rabbits. Pretty, slightly vacuous-looking rabbits. Instead of doing what most well-adjusted women would do (i.e., popping popcorn and getting comfortable), she seems horrified. Obviously not a slash fan. And probably the girlfriend of one of the guys. She then proceeds to become evil (and ugly-that's what you get for being a chick on this show, apparently), put on really awful purple lipstick, and tie up one of the guys (who will henceforth be known as Dark Haired Pretty Boy, or DHPB) so as to do something eeeeviiiil to him. I'm pretty sure she makes him old and ugly, then locks him in a root cellar. AS YOU DO.
And then we are at Present Gay Day. Blond Haired Pretty Boy (BHPB) discovers the root cellar, where Formerly DHPB sucks on his neck. Or something. And he becomes dark-haired and pretty once again. Then BHPB seems to be visiting DHPB at… a crypt, maybe? It could also be a refrigerator. Hard to tell from the outside. But there's a bed inside, with shackles. Good times. Bondage Refrigerator Crypt, I like this place. Then BHPB is… dead? And also smoking? (Not cigarettes, not as in, "he is hot," his body is literally smoking.) And someone who I think is Evil Chick is dressed as a nurse and throwing a sheet over his face. Dude, this is the most cracked-out porno ever. But then… BHPB comes back to life! And in the Bondage Refrigerator Crypt, DHPB awakes! And OMG, we're only like halfway through the vid and SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED ALREADY!
Here's where it gets a little fuzzy. DHPB wants to kill some guy with an axe, but keeps getting distracted by memories of him and BHPB sexing? (Really, you can just insert that-get it?-at random in this synopsis: "mostly-naked boys sex each other." That happens a lot.) DHPB smacks around Evil Chick, then kills Some Guy I Don't Recognize and throws the body in a lake. I sense something along the lines of I Came Back Wrong But Also Hot angst, that DHPB is covering for BHPB and his undead-ness. And also-hey! DHPB can make pretty flames (get it?) in his HAND! He is not only dead and formerly old and ugly, but he can also do magic! Or something! Boys angsting. Boys sexing. Boys making inappropriate crucifixion poses. And then more sexing. OF COURSE. In a mirror, even, so… not vampires, I guess? Or have they CURED themselves by this point? I don't know. But they're still pretty, and that, I suspect, is the true mission statement of this show. KEEP THEM PRETTY AND NAKED AND POSSIBLY UNDEAD. Works for me!
Stranger 6
All I knew about this fandom was:
If we're going with a broad definition of "know," then I'd say: that it likely is for a show that takes place on some water-adjacent piece of land (i.e., "What is 'nil', Alec?").
Here's what this fandom is really about:
Once in the land of square-jawed men, there was a wizard. Let's call him Dante, and between knowing that and the fact that he's the tall, dark, and too handsome to have a normal-sized ego type, you get the idea. He really liked fucking other guys -- like, REALLY -- which wasn't what everyone else thought he liked. Especially not his wife, who's a witch, and so could be every bit of the bitch that people who aren't slashers wish they could be in that situation. She sucked out all his youthfulness using a spell that's a hell of a lot more fun than using a straw, and then left him locked up in a basement in Laguna Beach, as you do.
Our story smash-shifts to "present day" where being old, wrinkly, and still hanging from a beam equates to being sweaty, too, which is just the recipe for More Sex! when a young golden stud gets curious about the padlock on the floor. Unlike Dante's last attempt at getting off, that sex goes well enough, with the help of a little bloodletting, that the age gap goes bye-bye, resulting in Tall and Dark Dante again. Which of course then results in a lot more naked romping.
And you'd think that would be enough to give you a series, right? But the wife is still around, she's still a witch, there just hasn't been enough angst, and there definitely haven't been enough flaming balls balls of magic flame. So toss in some death and resurrection (the latter only for a select few; everyone else gets tossed in the ocean), temper with a generous helping of threats and intimidation (almost gratuitous, you could say; for a big bad wizard, Dante doesn't often get his way), and don't forget...you guessed it...the sex. Mix together thoroughly, and it turns out, congratulations, you do have enough for a series!
Stranger 7
All I knew about this fandom was:
Totally gay! And totally awful! But awesome nonetheless. (At least, that's what my friends list said.)
Here's what this fandom is really about:
Oh, this looks like the sort of deliriously bad television that calls for - nay, demands - to be accompanied by strong margaritas and possibly nachos with that bright-orange fake cheese sauce.
In a town called Dante's Cove (just a guess) there dwells a dark-haired vampire who's blandly handsome, I guess, if you like your vampires glassy-eyed and dumb-looking. A blond twink comes to town, and there's all sorts of sex and shenanigans (and sexy shenanigans) and as a bonus, a withered crone who transfigures herself into Tracy Scoggins! Now, I didn't watch Dynasty back in the day, but twenty years later, as far as I'm concerned, everyone involved with that show is golden (see also: Coleman, Jack; Collins, Joan), so give it up for Tracy!
Obviously, I haven't seen an episode of this series, but I can infer from the facial expressions (or lack thereof) that these guys are delivering their dialogue about as well as your average porn star does. Which is only fitting, seeing as how I'm pretty sure Dante's Cove qualifies as soft-core porn. It's like The Hitcher, only not an anthology. Or like a gay Red Shoe Diaries - only not an anthology. Okay, I fail at analogies. Let's just call it the televisual equivalent of crackfic and thank our lucky stars it exists. Pass me the tequila.
Stranger 8
All I knew about this fandom was:
Nothing at all.
Here's what this fandom is really about:
Oh my god, naked, gay, pr0ny vampires??? Can that really be what this show is about? It seems so. Hmmm…let's see. I think the dark haired character is the vampire, turned (much like, well, almost every vampire in almost every movie and novel) by a beautiful girl-vampire in some distant past. What he was doing anywhere near a beautiful girl is anyone's guess, as he doesn't seem particularly interested in girls in "Present Day Laguna Beach" (which I presume is the setting for the show?). No, he seems much more interested in blond surfer boys with very little clothing on. And, vampire or not, he doesn't actually seem to be the villain of this particular story. I mean, yes, he's the perpetrator of some blood-taking and violence, and possibly a murder (someone gets thrown off a pier, but I didn't really catch why), but the sense I get is that he is not exactly a bad guy. In fact, if I had to name a villain on this show, I'd vote for the blond surfer boy he has lots of hot-icky sex with. Our vampire-dark-haired-gay-boy seems to have maybe hurt him or taken blood from him at some point, but I swear, something in that blond-surfer-boy's face says he's up to no good. (Or maybe that's the acting?) There seems to be some sort of intense, love-hate relationship between the two, but I guess none of that really matters, if they can have lots of sweaty, Laguna Beach sex in front of mirrors or on sandy beaches, which (judging from the video) is the main focus of this show! How in the world did I miss this? It looks so bad it's all the way back around to great again...
Dante's Cove
Vid Used
“Sugar Pie Honey Bunch” by suzvoy
http://suzvoy.livejournal.com/1847230.html (link contains spoilers)
recommended by kassidy62
Grokker Synopsis
The year is 1840 and the place is Dante's Cove, on a small island. Genre for this show? Ha! Part speculative/horror, part Beach Blanket Bingo, and all camp.
Grace happens upon her fiancé Ambrosius getting porked by his beloved butler or valet, whatever. Grace, being a witch (who practices something called Tresum), fries the butler or valet, whatever, with her flaming red eyes, throws Ambrosius down into the basement and locks him there. Turns him into an old man, cursed to remain there for eternity unless he gets a young man to kiss him and so set him free.
Present day Laguna Beach: Kevin moves to Dante's Cove to be with his boyfriend, Toby, who lives at the Hotel Dante. Kev goes down to the basement and Ambrosius gets his kiss and turns back to teh pretty. Ambrosius bleeds Kev for fun and then Kev fucks him blind, all in a fugue state. Kev has to go to the hospital thanks to Ambro asshole having made him cut himself.
The naked butt scene at the lighthouse: Ambrosius summons Kev for some more fucking. Kev goes back to hospital afterwards, and Grace boils his ass for his trouble. So he's ded.
Until Ambrosius visits the hospital and kisses him back to life, naturally. He'd been passing all those years in the basement by learning the craft of Tresum. Never mind how, that's Season 2.
There's a quick scene of children in distress in the video: they're a couple of ghost kids haunting the Dante after being flash-fried at the house in the 1950s.
Quick scene of Great Boy Happiness in the vid: that's our Ross and Rachel, aka Toby and Kevin, having sex in the pool.
Then Ambrosius, having decided Kevin is his Best Beloved For All Eternity, goes to the hotel to kill his competition, Toby, but the ghost children dissuade him. He attempts to kill Toby several more times; Grace taunts Ambrosius several more times. Ambrosius bangs Cory, a fellow he's bespelled, and imagines he's banging Kevin (as we see in the mirror).
It's all good.
The end.
Stranger Synopses
Stranger 1
All I knew about this fandom was:
(Did not specify.)
Here's what this fandom is really about:
So there are these two guys, a brunette and a blonde. For the purposes of this synopsis, the blonde will be named Bob and the brunette will be named Tom. (Because this could get confusing REALLY quickly!) Bob is from out of town, and comes to stay at the Hotel Dante in Laguna Beach. He is bad news. Tom, who has magical powers, is supposed to kill him. However, he finds Bob pretty (as one does!) and the desire for sex stays his hand. There is another brunette man, who we will refer to as Karl. Karl is sent by a redheaded woman (who we will be calling Cindy) to get Tom to kill Bob, instead of fucking him. Tom threatens Karl with his pretty balls of fire that spout from his hands. When Karl becomes too much of a nuisance, Tom kills Karl, and throws him into the ocean. Tom tries to rape Bob to get him to leave town. I'm not sure if this is successful or not, because Bob ends up in the hospital, where Cindy decides to kill him (or eat his soul, can't quite tell which). Tom, who apparently has a psychic connection to Bob, wakes up and runs to the hospital to save his life. And there is much tying of people up, and having sex while looking in mirrors, and possible stealing of youth. But all with boy kissing and magic!
Stranger 2
All I knew about this fandom was:
Absolutely nothing. Had never even heard the name before. Completely and utterly clueless about anything to do with it.
Here's what this fandom is really about:
Going with your keywords starting point ...
Genre - Supernatural + Reincarnation
Premise - Present day characters recall their past supernatural life.
Setting - Laguna Beach, present-day / Europe, middle ages
Size of Cast - About five main characters.
Characters - Surfer dude, mysterious guy, dark leader, evil witch (Tracy Scoggins)
Relationships - Twisted and sick? Uhm, a love/lust with some hate thrown in relationship between the two male leads. A once upon a time love/now wild, raging hate relationship between dark-haired lead male and Tracy Scoggins' evil witch.
Plot: A present day surfer stud meets some mysterious guy who he knew in a previous life. In that previous life, it was supernatural and he was an innocent who stumbled into this dark world where he fell in love with the lead dark dude who had a love/hate relationship with some witchy character played by Tracy Scoggins (I think that was the actress). And in that dark world, the lead guy is trying to be good, and is motivated by his love/lust for surfer dude. However, everyone else wants him to be bad and they exploit him (especially Tracy Scoggins/evil witch), using his one weakness: Surfer stud/innocent. Oh, and the surfer dude as an innocent in the past life is fascinated by the dakrness of it all and that's why he and dark lead guy are always fighting because dark lead guy wants to be good, but his little lovemuffin likes exploring the dark side. Back to present day, a twisted sexual relationship is forming between surfer stud and the guy he met who has introduced him to his supernatural, dark past. (I don't think it's the same guy. Could be, though and his hairstyle was just different enough in the present day.)
Stranger 3
All I knew about this fandom was:
Nothing at all.
Here's what this fandom is really about:
Ah, Dante's Cove. That nutty soap opera about two gay vampires in love, lust, and usually leather. Of course, they weren't always gay...
One hundred years ago, a young boy and a young girl (no relation--one hopes) begged their parents to attend a Bram Stoker convention at the Dante Hotel. None of the parents were very smart, however, and therefore failed to use the not-yet-existant internet to research said hotel and find out that it was, in fact, a gravestone. They just sent their kids off on trains to their convention...where the boy and girl were turned into vampires. But at least they were given cake. As vampires, they grew up (and never lost their sunbathing fetish--yes, I know this makes no sense according to any known vampire lore ever, but just go with it, okay?), and enjoyed a liberally pair-bonded civil union of the night. He became Dark, Smoldery, Likes Top Hats; she became I Used To Be On Babylon 5 Once, You Know! Life was grand.
But a lot can change in a hundred years, especially for a couple of vampires in Laguna Beach. D,S, LTH gave up the frock coats for black leather and became Man, That Angel Dude's Cool (Or Is Spike Even Cooler?), took up Recreational Beach Emo (just like his TV hero in the 3rd season finale), and decided he was bored with the taco and wanted to give hot dogs a try. IUTBOB5O, YK! was kicked to the curb for a succession of sweaty, swarthy young men.
But she would not give up. Capturing that poor schmuck, Androgynous Old Thing, she strung it up in her witchy basement (once the headquarters for so much toothy love), so that she might periodically drain his life force and turn herself into a studly young blond vampire man known as Motorcycle Jackets Are Still Cool, Right? (Not Too 90s?). In her new guise as MJASC, R (NT9s?), she would recapture the love of her beloved M, TADC (OISEC?)...even if he had learned to make a serious grouchy face and punch people with fireballs.
They would be lovers again...or undie trying.
Stranger 4
All I knew about this fandom was:
Well, thanks to the sign-up poll, I knew there was a fandom called Dante's Cove. In other words: Hello! My name is Blank Slate.
Here's what this fandom is really about:
I'm from the Institute on Magical Sex Slavery, here to help you understand the finer points of our recently-produced PSA, Dante's Cove.
First, let's look at the core message of the PSA - sorry, I believe in these parts you call it a "fandom." This is as follows:
Magical sex slavery can kind of suck! Like, literally, with vampires, and literally, with sex, but also literally with the actual not-being-good kind of sucking! (P.S. Don't buttfuck in front of jealous witches.)
So let's keep that in mind, people, as we move deeper into Dante's Cove. Oh, but first I want to emphasize that this is a serious source (um - show? Movie? Visual media thing of some kind?) about serious problems, and if those problems happen to cause a fair amount of frolicking and gay sex, well, I trust you all to handle it with the maturity and dignity the topic requires, and not to let that shift your attention from the crucial central message. (Which, just to refocus on that message a bit: magical sex slavery = bad, jealous witches = not to be fucked in front of.)
Now, let us delve into the tragic tale of magical sex slavery as depicted in Dante's Cove.
Our story begins at some indeterminate point in the probably-past, where two guys break the No Buttsex in Front of Jealous Witches rule, and are immediately smited with some stunning displays of terrible special effects. Note particularly the introduction of the Chains of Sexual Misbehavior, here: these are a frequent side effect of sex in front of jealous witches. Don't let the Chains of Sexual Misbehavior happen to you, innocent viewer! (And how do we avoid this? That's right: checking the room thoroughly for jealous witches before we do any buttfucking. I'm glad to see you've been paying attention.)
A single incident of thoughtless buttsex can have have terrible and far-reaching consequences, as shown by Laguna Beach, in a present day horribly marred by the buttsex-related tragedies of the past, so that random men in wifebeaters and tight jeans lean against distressed walls all over the place. Yes, it's true: buttfucking can alter the fabric of reality. Don't let this happen to your continuum!
And so the inevitable consequences of magical sex slavery play out. The Chains of Sexual Misbehavior release their captive, who goes on a bloodsucking rampage through the distressed-wall-leaning-guys of Laguna Beach. And, as we all know - Anne Rice was not the first researcher in this field, but certainly her work has been seminal - bloodsucking leads to gay sex.
Let's review our work to this point.
Buttsex in front of jealous witches => Chains of Sexual Misbehavior =>hideous warping of space and time => bloodsucking => more buttsex.
That is what we in the field - the rapidly growing field of magical sex slavery prevention - call a positive feedback loop. The result, of course, is ever-increasing amounts of biting, buttsex, and bondage (these are the three warning Bs of magical sex slavery, people!), until the entire population of Laguna Beach (at least the smooth-chested male portion of it, which is of course basically everyone) is just totally exhausted, unable to do anything but lounge around near their bondage headboards.
The second part of the PSA - I'm sorry, right, "fandom" - explores the topic of remediation. In other words: if you find yourself caught in a positive feedback loop of magical sex slavery, what can you do? Because eventually you are going to run out of lube.
First, we see our heroes attempt to take the most traditional approaches: flying disappearing axes, followed by throttling the life out of any jealous witches you might have handy. These are research-tested practices that have saved many a city from the blight of excessive buttsex. They are your first line of defense, should you ever find yourself caught in magical sex slavery.
In Dante's Cove, however, the situation is too extreme, and traditional solutions do not work. The victims next resort to cutting-edge techniques (and not that I wish to brag, but many of them were developed by the Institute on Magical Sex Slavery), including variable implementation of the Chains of Sexual Misbehavior (try them on everyone - jealous witches, magical sex slaves, your grandma, whoever!), palm flames (not recommended except for certified practitioners), red kryptonite (typically only available in Kansas), and eating a sandwich (everyone could use a sandwich; we at the Institute like provolone on rye with lettuce, tomato, and mustard).
But, again, the problem is too severe. Sometimes, even sandwiches fail.
However, our heroes do not despair, and neither should you, for there is always one sure-fire cure for magical sex slavery: buttsex in front of a mirror. As the mirror reflects the magical sex energy back into the victims, the cycle is broken. (After that, any further buttfucking is entirely the responsibility of the parties involved.)
What are our take-home lessons today?
- If you're going to buttfuck, use reasonable safety precautions: inspect your environs for witches before engaging.
- Biting, buttsex, and bondage are the warning signs of magical sex slavery. If you find yourself routinely engaged in all three, proceed directly to remediation efforts.
- You too can free yourself, your town, and your bondage and biting partners from sex slavery! Use telepathic axes and witch-strangling maneuvers wherever possible.
- If that doesn't work, chain up everyone you can find and then have a sandwich.
- If even that doesn't work, have mirror buttsex. We recommend using a free-standing half-length antique mirror for maximum results.
Stranger 5
All I knew about this fandom was:
It was about Teh Gay.
Here's what this fandom is really about:
OK, so there's a helpful title card that places this at "Laguna Beach: Present Day." I'm also going to add "Presently Gay," because that seems to be a MINOR THEME in this vid. We start off with a chick walking in on a couple of guys… hmm… how to put this… shagging like rabbits. Pretty, slightly vacuous-looking rabbits. Instead of doing what most well-adjusted women would do (i.e., popping popcorn and getting comfortable), she seems horrified. Obviously not a slash fan. And probably the girlfriend of one of the guys. She then proceeds to become evil (and ugly-that's what you get for being a chick on this show, apparently), put on really awful purple lipstick, and tie up one of the guys (who will henceforth be known as Dark Haired Pretty Boy, or DHPB) so as to do something eeeeviiiil to him. I'm pretty sure she makes him old and ugly, then locks him in a root cellar. AS YOU DO.
And then we are at Present Gay Day. Blond Haired Pretty Boy (BHPB) discovers the root cellar, where Formerly DHPB sucks on his neck. Or something. And he becomes dark-haired and pretty once again. Then BHPB seems to be visiting DHPB at… a crypt, maybe? It could also be a refrigerator. Hard to tell from the outside. But there's a bed inside, with shackles. Good times. Bondage Refrigerator Crypt, I like this place. Then BHPB is… dead? And also smoking? (Not cigarettes, not as in, "he is hot," his body is literally smoking.) And someone who I think is Evil Chick is dressed as a nurse and throwing a sheet over his face. Dude, this is the most cracked-out porno ever. But then… BHPB comes back to life! And in the Bondage Refrigerator Crypt, DHPB awakes! And OMG, we're only like halfway through the vid and SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED ALREADY!
Here's where it gets a little fuzzy. DHPB wants to kill some guy with an axe, but keeps getting distracted by memories of him and BHPB sexing? (Really, you can just insert that-get it?-at random in this synopsis: "mostly-naked boys sex each other." That happens a lot.) DHPB smacks around Evil Chick, then kills Some Guy I Don't Recognize and throws the body in a lake. I sense something along the lines of I Came Back Wrong But Also Hot angst, that DHPB is covering for BHPB and his undead-ness. And also-hey! DHPB can make pretty flames (get it?) in his HAND! He is not only dead and formerly old and ugly, but he can also do magic! Or something! Boys angsting. Boys sexing. Boys making inappropriate crucifixion poses. And then more sexing. OF COURSE. In a mirror, even, so… not vampires, I guess? Or have they CURED themselves by this point? I don't know. But they're still pretty, and that, I suspect, is the true mission statement of this show. KEEP THEM PRETTY AND NAKED AND POSSIBLY UNDEAD. Works for me!
Stranger 6
All I knew about this fandom was:
If we're going with a broad definition of "know," then I'd say: that it likely is for a show that takes place on some water-adjacent piece of land (i.e., "What is 'nil', Alec?").
Here's what this fandom is really about:
Once in the land of square-jawed men, there was a wizard. Let's call him Dante, and between knowing that and the fact that he's the tall, dark, and too handsome to have a normal-sized ego type, you get the idea. He really liked fucking other guys -- like, REALLY -- which wasn't what everyone else thought he liked. Especially not his wife, who's a witch, and so could be every bit of the bitch that people who aren't slashers wish they could be in that situation. She sucked out all his youthfulness using a spell that's a hell of a lot more fun than using a straw, and then left him locked up in a basement in Laguna Beach, as you do.
Our story smash-shifts to "present day" where being old, wrinkly, and still hanging from a beam equates to being sweaty, too, which is just the recipe for More Sex! when a young golden stud gets curious about the padlock on the floor. Unlike Dante's last attempt at getting off, that sex goes well enough, with the help of a little bloodletting, that the age gap goes bye-bye, resulting in Tall and Dark Dante again. Which of course then results in a lot more naked romping.
And you'd think that would be enough to give you a series, right? But the wife is still around, she's still a witch, there just hasn't been enough angst, and there definitely haven't been enough flaming balls balls of magic flame. So toss in some death and resurrection (the latter only for a select few; everyone else gets tossed in the ocean), temper with a generous helping of threats and intimidation (almost gratuitous, you could say; for a big bad wizard, Dante doesn't often get his way), and don't forget...you guessed it...the sex. Mix together thoroughly, and it turns out, congratulations, you do have enough for a series!
Stranger 7
All I knew about this fandom was:
Totally gay! And totally awful! But awesome nonetheless. (At least, that's what my friends list said.)
Here's what this fandom is really about:
Oh, this looks like the sort of deliriously bad television that calls for - nay, demands - to be accompanied by strong margaritas and possibly nachos with that bright-orange fake cheese sauce.
In a town called Dante's Cove (just a guess) there dwells a dark-haired vampire who's blandly handsome, I guess, if you like your vampires glassy-eyed and dumb-looking. A blond twink comes to town, and there's all sorts of sex and shenanigans (and sexy shenanigans) and as a bonus, a withered crone who transfigures herself into Tracy Scoggins! Now, I didn't watch Dynasty back in the day, but twenty years later, as far as I'm concerned, everyone involved with that show is golden (see also: Coleman, Jack; Collins, Joan), so give it up for Tracy!
Obviously, I haven't seen an episode of this series, but I can infer from the facial expressions (or lack thereof) that these guys are delivering their dialogue about as well as your average porn star does. Which is only fitting, seeing as how I'm pretty sure Dante's Cove qualifies as soft-core porn. It's like The Hitcher, only not an anthology. Or like a gay Red Shoe Diaries - only not an anthology. Okay, I fail at analogies. Let's just call it the televisual equivalent of crackfic and thank our lucky stars it exists. Pass me the tequila.
Stranger 8
All I knew about this fandom was:
Nothing at all.
Here's what this fandom is really about:
Oh my god, naked, gay, pr0ny vampires??? Can that really be what this show is about? It seems so. Hmmm…let's see. I think the dark haired character is the vampire, turned (much like, well, almost every vampire in almost every movie and novel) by a beautiful girl-vampire in some distant past. What he was doing anywhere near a beautiful girl is anyone's guess, as he doesn't seem particularly interested in girls in "Present Day Laguna Beach" (which I presume is the setting for the show?). No, he seems much more interested in blond surfer boys with very little clothing on. And, vampire or not, he doesn't actually seem to be the villain of this particular story. I mean, yes, he's the perpetrator of some blood-taking and violence, and possibly a murder (someone gets thrown off a pier, but I didn't really catch why), but the sense I get is that he is not exactly a bad guy. In fact, if I had to name a villain on this show, I'd vote for the blond surfer boy he has lots of hot-icky sex with. Our vampire-dark-haired-gay-boy seems to have maybe hurt him or taken blood from him at some point, but I swear, something in that blond-surfer-boy's face says he's up to no good. (Or maybe that's the acting?) There seems to be some sort of intense, love-hate relationship between the two, but I guess none of that really matters, if they can have lots of sweaty, Laguna Beach sex in front of mirrors or on sandy beaches, which (judging from the video) is the main focus of this show! How in the world did I miss this? It looks so bad it's all the way back around to great again...