RP: Inevitable
Date: January 13, 2005
Characters: Hermione Granger
Location: 33 Alpha Lane then 35 Alpha Lane
Status: Private
Summary: Hermione realizes it’s time to make some changes
Completion: Complete
Change was inevitable. After seven years of fighting a war, it was already a change to actually settle in one place and be forced to think about things like money, food, careers, and future. It was an adjustment from day one, and would probably continue being an adjustment for a long time to come. In all of the lists she had made, in all of her attempts to predict what might become a problem just so she’d have time to mull out a solution, Hermione had never once considered what had happened yesterday.
It was her fault, which made it even more frustrating. She had been so busy trying to adjust, using work and jumping at any opportunity to be needed, that she failed to see exactly what she was doing to herself or the boys. How could Ron really adjust to this new life if she took it upon herself to make sure all the chores were done and there was food on the table without making him help? At first, she had tried to make schedules so chores could be shared, but the boys never much liked her lists unless they were intended to save their lives. She couldn’t very well live in a home where rubbish was piled and counters were messy, though, so she’d had to do things herself or she’d have felt as if she were in worse conditions than a sleeping bag in a cold forest.
The food was selfish as well as helpful because, really, she had to eat, too. She didn’t feel comfortable going into town to eat at one of the pubs every night, after all, and part of being a mature, responsible adult was earning one’s way however they could. It was more than that, though, and she wasn’t stupid enough to fail to see that. She had spent seven years (well, really more like thirteen if she were being completely honest) taking care of Harry and Ron in whatever way she could. Their friendship had begun because they saved her and then they needed her. It had become a real friendship, closer than family, through the years, but a part of her in the back of her mind always feared they’d move on and let her go if they didn’t need her anymore.
That was her issue; one of many. She didn’t particularly think that it made her a basket case, especially not when Harry’s way of dealing was to just stay in his room and not deal. She was at least trying, even if her efforts were wrong or she was losing sight of so many things. Ron seemed to think that a relationship would solve most everything, and that might be his solution but it certainly wasn’t hers. How could she ever enter into a real relationship with someone when she was still trying to adjust to post-war life and, in a way, figure out who she was at age twenty-five.
She had never had the opportunity to grow up and discover that sort of thing. Growing up had been forced on her from an early age, and she had no complaints because everything that happened had shaped her into becoming who she was now. However, she still didn’t know who she was, really, and was learning more with every passing day. Ron was right, though, because she had thrown herself into work and projects as a way to avoid having to adjust to even more.
New friendships had helped. Roger, Cedric, Percy, and Blaise had all become important to her in different ways, and they helped distract her from work, in a good way. It wasn’t enough, though. She had spent the night sitting quietly at her desk making lists that had been difficult to make. Putting the amount of hours that she realistically spent on work or projects in black and white had been unsettling. Seeing the minimal amount of sleep that she was actually getting again, despite feeling quite fine and not exhausted, wasn’t pleasant at all. And seeing the very small number that represented personal time and being around friends had been eye opening.
Despite her best intentions at the first of the year, she had not started off well. She hadn’t even bothered to separate time with friends versus time with friends when working or discussing work of some sort was involved because she didn’t want to see that number. So, Ron was right about her working too much and being overstressed. She liked stress and worked well with it, but there had to be limitations. She knew it was risky to do too much, both for her mental and physical health. In the last week and a half, she’d already forgotten to eat more times than she cared to admit and had allowed a sort of melancholy to settle in because there was still much to do and she still felt sort of restless and uncomfortable in her own skin at times.
The melancholy might remain for awhile. She didn’t really know how that worked, but she assumed it would fade with time as she focused on positive things and trying to make some chances. As she’d told Seamus last night, if you know your behavior is wrong and you don’t like, you should try to change it. She knew that she couldn’t keep using work and projects as a crutch and that she needed to have friends who actually wanted to be around her even if she wasn’t doing things for them or they didn’t need her for some reason or another. The latter was scary because the loneliness was dreadful sometimes, but it wasn’t fair to herself to keep associating friendship with being needed. That was something that she had to deal with personally, as was most of the things on her list after hours of soul searching.
Change was inevitable, but, this time, she would be the one making the changes, so maybe that would help. It would take time and some things might never change. She was who she was, after all, good and bad. If that was a mental workaholic with trust issues and insecurities, well, that was who she was at the end of the day. However, Ron had sincerely been worried about her health and her working too much, which meant she needed to make more of a conscious effort to work a more normal day. She would start with one or two days of ending work at a certain time and spending the evening on selfish pursuits or with friends, then go from there. Baby steps were helpful, after all, so that’s what she’d try.
There would need to be more regular meals, too, because there was no reason that she should still be so skinny after being settled for over a month. She ate a lot when she remembered to eat, so it wasn’t some sort of starving method or lack of hunger. There had never been three meals a day when they were on the road, though, and she’d become used to eating when her stomach grumbled and told her it was time to eat. She still did that; it just seemed that her stomach was still set on ‘war-no food’ schedules instead of healthier ones. So, she’d start adding meals to her schedule until it became a new habit to stop and eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
The sleeping worried her more than she cared to admit. The nightmares were only occasional, after all, so there was no reason that she shouldn’t be able to just lie down and sleep for a few hours a night. Her mind just wouldn’t stop, though, and the covers bothered her or the mattress did or there were sounds outside that kept her awake. So many reasons why she couldn’t without any idea how she could since she refused to take a potion. Sleeping with Harry had helped a little, but there had still been too many nights with her thoughts keeping her awake. Perhaps that was something she should ask Andromeda about. She hated having to admit that she couldn’t solve it on her own, but suggested might be useful.
Shagging was not on her list because she wasn’t ready to even think about that sort of relationship. She did determine that recreation was sorely lacking, though, and it was something she needed to focus more attention on. The days that she had spent with Roger just riding the motorbike and having lunch in Exeter had been amazing fun, as had hanging out with him on New Year‘s Eve. The evening out with Blaise, despite the awkward start, had been wonderful. She liked to be around friends without working. She just didn’t like someone to feel obligated to be around her when she wasn’t helping them with something.
Both Roger and Cedric had mentioned that she needed to go out and do nothing except relax, so maybe they’d be willing to help her learn how to adjust to such a thing since it had seriously been years since she’d ever just done nothing. Memories of cold winter days spent throwing snowballs and sitting peacefully with friends at Hogwarts came to mind, so she knew she used to know how to do that more easily. Blaise might be interested in spending a day in London seeing museums or something else enjoyable, too.
Mandy was going to work on the stray pet shelter, and Hermione decided in the wee hours of the morning that she’d pull back from that. She’d help when she could, but Mandy was more than capable of doing it without needing her interfering. The thought of some sort of adult education classes was something she intended to mention to Kingsley, but, until then, she decided that it needed to be removed from her list. Someone else would surely think of it if she didn’t have a chance to bring it up to Kingsley. So that was something else off her list, even if it would be difficult not to think about what needed done.
The history syllabus was more pleasure than work, especially talking about lesson plans with Blaise, so she had no intention of giving that up. Which brought her to the bookstore and publishing company. Lee had owled her to say that he had to go away for awhile due to a sick relative and wasn’t sure when he’d be back, which meant it was back to just her and Ron doing the printing. She needed to find an assistant, she supposed, and actually give them work to do. She didn’t want to place an advert around town because she honestly didn’t trust many people, but she’d ask Cedric, Roger and Blaise and maybe Percy for any thoughts they might have on it.
If she found someone to help out in a full time capacity and Ron continued doing his printing, then she could try to balance the rest with her idea of slowly going away from eighteen hour days to fourteen to twelve to ten. She couldn’t see herself ever working just eight hours, so ten would be a goal, she thought. There was no real interest from Harry on the idea of the café beyond his initial thoughts and plans. She had tried to get him more involved, but he had to heal in his own way, just as they all did, so she didn’t push. However, she wouldn’t worry about the café or consider it as anything more than a possibility at some point. That meant she had to rethink tea and coffee and pastries, but she’d worry about that another day. Monday, she decided.
After staying up all night making lists and dealing with far more self-examination than made her comfortable, it was rewarding to at least have come to some solid conclusions, even if those showed that she’d failed to keep sight of herself and hadn’t done very well at adjusting as she had hoped. Knowing the problems, though, meant she could decide what needed changed and what was just part of who she was.
The main thing she had decided to do was something she tried not to think about until there was no other choice. When the lists were finished and she was exhausted mentally from all the self analysis, she began to pack her things. There wasn’t much to pack, as she mostly had clothes and books, and she didn’t take more than what she’d need for a couple of weeks since she could always come back to get more, but it took her time to gather her strength to do this.
It was probably foolish and would make no sense to anyone, but she felt it was necessary. She couldn’t figure out her life and make changes if she fell into the same patterns and routines, after all. Besides, Ron needed to deal with things for his own growth, too. He could realize that chores needed done, boring or not, and that food didn’t miraculously appear without effort and money. Of course, she doubted he’d even realize she was gone for days, or at least not until there wasn’t any food around when he was hungry.
She made sure that any shirts she’d nicked from Harry or Ron were washed and folded, taking only her things, which were old and ill-fitting. She’d have to just grit her teeth and go shopping soon, she knew, because most of her tops didn’t fit comfortably at all and her jeans were starting to hang off her hips. If she started eating more regularly, though, then they’d fit better. Maybe she’d go to the discount store and buy a few men’s shirts of her own, since they didn’t fit so snug around her breasts and weren’t designed to show off bellies or cleavage like so many women’s shirts. Considering she was wearing Roger’s huge comfy sweatshirt as she packed, it was probably best to focus on the men’s clothing.
It was unfortunate that this hadn’t happened before she’d given out both the cottages next door. Of course, she didn’t need anything like that for just her and both Cedric and Roger needed them far more. She’d be perfectly fine living in her office for awhile. She was reluctant to do anything that felt permanent, really, because the thought of not having the boys in her life was just one she wouldn’t even consider. She needed time as did Ron, so a break was good. He might not even notice, but she would and it would give her a chance to figure out a few more things.
Once she had packed what she planned to take, it was a little after dawn. She had her bag of clothes and books, a box with food to take next door, and Crookshanks ready to go see where she was taking him this time. She also had a few extra blankets for a bed on the floor, which actually might help her sleep more than she had in weeks. She had considered just finding a tent and pitching it by the river, near Roger’s cottage, but it was probably too cold for that right now and Crookshanks would have a tanty. So, it would be her office for a bit until she decided where to go from there.
She walked through the house one last time, lingering in the game room and down at the sitting room before she stepped out back and looked at her garden. Well, not hers now but maybe eventually would be again. She didn’t honestly know. Ron might just move Lavender in as soon as he realized Hermione had left, after all. Well, what’s done was done. She wanted him to be happy, so she wished him luck. She’d just speak to Kingsley soon about making the garden at the shop nice, too.
Crookshanks wiggled in her arms, and she smiled down at him. “All right. I know it’s cold, your highness,” she said, kissing him on the head before she focused and Apparated next door. They arrived in the office, and she set him down along with her bag and box of food. She had to be at Andromeda’s for tea at ten, so she had a few hours before she had to do much of anything.
After she spread out the blankets she’d brought, she set up the fountain that Roger had given her. Then she lay down and sighed. The hard floor was comforting, in a way, and the sound of the fountain was calming. Crookshanks curled up against her stomach, and she closed her eyes, suddenly feeling so tired and worn out that she couldn’t keep them open. She scratched him behind his ears and murmured, “Welcome to our new home.”
Characters: Hermione Granger
Location: 33 Alpha Lane then 35 Alpha Lane
Status: Private
Summary: Hermione realizes it’s time to make some changes
Completion: Complete
Change was inevitable. After seven years of fighting a war, it was already a change to actually settle in one place and be forced to think about things like money, food, careers, and future. It was an adjustment from day one, and would probably continue being an adjustment for a long time to come. In all of the lists she had made, in all of her attempts to predict what might become a problem just so she’d have time to mull out a solution, Hermione had never once considered what had happened yesterday.
It was her fault, which made it even more frustrating. She had been so busy trying to adjust, using work and jumping at any opportunity to be needed, that she failed to see exactly what she was doing to herself or the boys. How could Ron really adjust to this new life if she took it upon herself to make sure all the chores were done and there was food on the table without making him help? At first, she had tried to make schedules so chores could be shared, but the boys never much liked her lists unless they were intended to save their lives. She couldn’t very well live in a home where rubbish was piled and counters were messy, though, so she’d had to do things herself or she’d have felt as if she were in worse conditions than a sleeping bag in a cold forest.
The food was selfish as well as helpful because, really, she had to eat, too. She didn’t feel comfortable going into town to eat at one of the pubs every night, after all, and part of being a mature, responsible adult was earning one’s way however they could. It was more than that, though, and she wasn’t stupid enough to fail to see that. She had spent seven years (well, really more like thirteen if she were being completely honest) taking care of Harry and Ron in whatever way she could. Their friendship had begun because they saved her and then they needed her. It had become a real friendship, closer than family, through the years, but a part of her in the back of her mind always feared they’d move on and let her go if they didn’t need her anymore.
That was her issue; one of many. She didn’t particularly think that it made her a basket case, especially not when Harry’s way of dealing was to just stay in his room and not deal. She was at least trying, even if her efforts were wrong or she was losing sight of so many things. Ron seemed to think that a relationship would solve most everything, and that might be his solution but it certainly wasn’t hers. How could she ever enter into a real relationship with someone when she was still trying to adjust to post-war life and, in a way, figure out who she was at age twenty-five.
She had never had the opportunity to grow up and discover that sort of thing. Growing up had been forced on her from an early age, and she had no complaints because everything that happened had shaped her into becoming who she was now. However, she still didn’t know who she was, really, and was learning more with every passing day. Ron was right, though, because she had thrown herself into work and projects as a way to avoid having to adjust to even more.
New friendships had helped. Roger, Cedric, Percy, and Blaise had all become important to her in different ways, and they helped distract her from work, in a good way. It wasn’t enough, though. She had spent the night sitting quietly at her desk making lists that had been difficult to make. Putting the amount of hours that she realistically spent on work or projects in black and white had been unsettling. Seeing the minimal amount of sleep that she was actually getting again, despite feeling quite fine and not exhausted, wasn’t pleasant at all. And seeing the very small number that represented personal time and being around friends had been eye opening.
Despite her best intentions at the first of the year, she had not started off well. She hadn’t even bothered to separate time with friends versus time with friends when working or discussing work of some sort was involved because she didn’t want to see that number. So, Ron was right about her working too much and being overstressed. She liked stress and worked well with it, but there had to be limitations. She knew it was risky to do too much, both for her mental and physical health. In the last week and a half, she’d already forgotten to eat more times than she cared to admit and had allowed a sort of melancholy to settle in because there was still much to do and she still felt sort of restless and uncomfortable in her own skin at times.
The melancholy might remain for awhile. She didn’t really know how that worked, but she assumed it would fade with time as she focused on positive things and trying to make some chances. As she’d told Seamus last night, if you know your behavior is wrong and you don’t like, you should try to change it. She knew that she couldn’t keep using work and projects as a crutch and that she needed to have friends who actually wanted to be around her even if she wasn’t doing things for them or they didn’t need her for some reason or another. The latter was scary because the loneliness was dreadful sometimes, but it wasn’t fair to herself to keep associating friendship with being needed. That was something that she had to deal with personally, as was most of the things on her list after hours of soul searching.
Change was inevitable, but, this time, she would be the one making the changes, so maybe that would help. It would take time and some things might never change. She was who she was, after all, good and bad. If that was a mental workaholic with trust issues and insecurities, well, that was who she was at the end of the day. However, Ron had sincerely been worried about her health and her working too much, which meant she needed to make more of a conscious effort to work a more normal day. She would start with one or two days of ending work at a certain time and spending the evening on selfish pursuits or with friends, then go from there. Baby steps were helpful, after all, so that’s what she’d try.
There would need to be more regular meals, too, because there was no reason that she should still be so skinny after being settled for over a month. She ate a lot when she remembered to eat, so it wasn’t some sort of starving method or lack of hunger. There had never been three meals a day when they were on the road, though, and she’d become used to eating when her stomach grumbled and told her it was time to eat. She still did that; it just seemed that her stomach was still set on ‘war-no food’ schedules instead of healthier ones. So, she’d start adding meals to her schedule until it became a new habit to stop and eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
The sleeping worried her more than she cared to admit. The nightmares were only occasional, after all, so there was no reason that she shouldn’t be able to just lie down and sleep for a few hours a night. Her mind just wouldn’t stop, though, and the covers bothered her or the mattress did or there were sounds outside that kept her awake. So many reasons why she couldn’t without any idea how she could since she refused to take a potion. Sleeping with Harry had helped a little, but there had still been too many nights with her thoughts keeping her awake. Perhaps that was something she should ask Andromeda about. She hated having to admit that she couldn’t solve it on her own, but suggested might be useful.
Shagging was not on her list because she wasn’t ready to even think about that sort of relationship. She did determine that recreation was sorely lacking, though, and it was something she needed to focus more attention on. The days that she had spent with Roger just riding the motorbike and having lunch in Exeter had been amazing fun, as had hanging out with him on New Year‘s Eve. The evening out with Blaise, despite the awkward start, had been wonderful. She liked to be around friends without working. She just didn’t like someone to feel obligated to be around her when she wasn’t helping them with something.
Both Roger and Cedric had mentioned that she needed to go out and do nothing except relax, so maybe they’d be willing to help her learn how to adjust to such a thing since it had seriously been years since she’d ever just done nothing. Memories of cold winter days spent throwing snowballs and sitting peacefully with friends at Hogwarts came to mind, so she knew she used to know how to do that more easily. Blaise might be interested in spending a day in London seeing museums or something else enjoyable, too.
Mandy was going to work on the stray pet shelter, and Hermione decided in the wee hours of the morning that she’d pull back from that. She’d help when she could, but Mandy was more than capable of doing it without needing her interfering. The thought of some sort of adult education classes was something she intended to mention to Kingsley, but, until then, she decided that it needed to be removed from her list. Someone else would surely think of it if she didn’t have a chance to bring it up to Kingsley. So that was something else off her list, even if it would be difficult not to think about what needed done.
The history syllabus was more pleasure than work, especially talking about lesson plans with Blaise, so she had no intention of giving that up. Which brought her to the bookstore and publishing company. Lee had owled her to say that he had to go away for awhile due to a sick relative and wasn’t sure when he’d be back, which meant it was back to just her and Ron doing the printing. She needed to find an assistant, she supposed, and actually give them work to do. She didn’t want to place an advert around town because she honestly didn’t trust many people, but she’d ask Cedric, Roger and Blaise and maybe Percy for any thoughts they might have on it.
If she found someone to help out in a full time capacity and Ron continued doing his printing, then she could try to balance the rest with her idea of slowly going away from eighteen hour days to fourteen to twelve to ten. She couldn’t see herself ever working just eight hours, so ten would be a goal, she thought. There was no real interest from Harry on the idea of the café beyond his initial thoughts and plans. She had tried to get him more involved, but he had to heal in his own way, just as they all did, so she didn’t push. However, she wouldn’t worry about the café or consider it as anything more than a possibility at some point. That meant she had to rethink tea and coffee and pastries, but she’d worry about that another day. Monday, she decided.
After staying up all night making lists and dealing with far more self-examination than made her comfortable, it was rewarding to at least have come to some solid conclusions, even if those showed that she’d failed to keep sight of herself and hadn’t done very well at adjusting as she had hoped. Knowing the problems, though, meant she could decide what needed changed and what was just part of who she was.
The main thing she had decided to do was something she tried not to think about until there was no other choice. When the lists were finished and she was exhausted mentally from all the self analysis, she began to pack her things. There wasn’t much to pack, as she mostly had clothes and books, and she didn’t take more than what she’d need for a couple of weeks since she could always come back to get more, but it took her time to gather her strength to do this.
It was probably foolish and would make no sense to anyone, but she felt it was necessary. She couldn’t figure out her life and make changes if she fell into the same patterns and routines, after all. Besides, Ron needed to deal with things for his own growth, too. He could realize that chores needed done, boring or not, and that food didn’t miraculously appear without effort and money. Of course, she doubted he’d even realize she was gone for days, or at least not until there wasn’t any food around when he was hungry.
She made sure that any shirts she’d nicked from Harry or Ron were washed and folded, taking only her things, which were old and ill-fitting. She’d have to just grit her teeth and go shopping soon, she knew, because most of her tops didn’t fit comfortably at all and her jeans were starting to hang off her hips. If she started eating more regularly, though, then they’d fit better. Maybe she’d go to the discount store and buy a few men’s shirts of her own, since they didn’t fit so snug around her breasts and weren’t designed to show off bellies or cleavage like so many women’s shirts. Considering she was wearing Roger’s huge comfy sweatshirt as she packed, it was probably best to focus on the men’s clothing.
It was unfortunate that this hadn’t happened before she’d given out both the cottages next door. Of course, she didn’t need anything like that for just her and both Cedric and Roger needed them far more. She’d be perfectly fine living in her office for awhile. She was reluctant to do anything that felt permanent, really, because the thought of not having the boys in her life was just one she wouldn’t even consider. She needed time as did Ron, so a break was good. He might not even notice, but she would and it would give her a chance to figure out a few more things.
Once she had packed what she planned to take, it was a little after dawn. She had her bag of clothes and books, a box with food to take next door, and Crookshanks ready to go see where she was taking him this time. She also had a few extra blankets for a bed on the floor, which actually might help her sleep more than she had in weeks. She had considered just finding a tent and pitching it by the river, near Roger’s cottage, but it was probably too cold for that right now and Crookshanks would have a tanty. So, it would be her office for a bit until she decided where to go from there.
She walked through the house one last time, lingering in the game room and down at the sitting room before she stepped out back and looked at her garden. Well, not hers now but maybe eventually would be again. She didn’t honestly know. Ron might just move Lavender in as soon as he realized Hermione had left, after all. Well, what’s done was done. She wanted him to be happy, so she wished him luck. She’d just speak to Kingsley soon about making the garden at the shop nice, too.
Crookshanks wiggled in her arms, and she smiled down at him. “All right. I know it’s cold, your highness,” she said, kissing him on the head before she focused and Apparated next door. They arrived in the office, and she set him down along with her bag and box of food. She had to be at Andromeda’s for tea at ten, so she had a few hours before she had to do much of anything.
After she spread out the blankets she’d brought, she set up the fountain that Roger had given her. Then she lay down and sighed. The hard floor was comforting, in a way, and the sound of the fountain was calming. Crookshanks curled up against her stomach, and she closed her eyes, suddenly feeling so tired and worn out that she couldn’t keep them open. She scratched him behind his ears and murmured, “Welcome to our new home.”