fic: Wallowing (1/1)
Title: Wallowing
Author: stellarmeadow
Fandom: Hawaii Five-0
Paring: Steve/Danny
Rating: PG13
Summary: Sometimes Danny just needs to wallow.
Notes: Set near the end of ep 4.02, so it contains spoilers for the ep. Follows " The Weight of the World" but you don't need to have read that for this to make sense.
Danny flipped through the channels on the TV for the tenth time. There was nothing on, he'd done extensive research on that already, several times over. But at least it was noise and something to do. And he needed distraction. And probably sleep, but that wasn't happening anytime soon, so distraction was a necessity.
He sighed with relief at the knock at his door, turning off the TV and dropping the remote onto the table as he stood. When he pulled the door open, Steve was standing on the other side, holding up a six pack of Longboards. "Thought you could use a drink."
"I thought you were with Catherine," Danny said, but he stepped back and let Steve into the apartment.
He felt Steve's shrug as he brushed past Danny, even though there was plenty of room. "She went to have drinks with a friend who had a lead on a job."
"Was this friend perhaps a hot ex-boyfriend of hers who also happened to serve with you?"
Steve turned around sharply, eyes narrowed. "You think he's hot?"
"Seriously? You have to ask that question?"
Steve tilted his head to one side, then to the other. "I never really thought about it."
"You never--of course you didn't." Danny shook his head. "Gimme a beer," he said as he moved around the table, reclaiming his spot on the couch.
Steve sat down beside him, opening one of the beers and handing it over. "Anyway," Steve said, "since when does she have to have my permission to go anywhere?"
"She needs your permission to take a job."
"No, she doesn't, she just doesn't want to hurt..." Steve waved a hand around vaguely, "you know."
"Yes, I do know," Danny said. "Do you?"
He held Steve's gaze for a long moment before Steve looked away. He took a long drink, staring at the unopened bottles on the table. "You talk to Grace?"
"Yes, why? Did you want to give her some more pointers on how to strike out?"
"I gave her perfectly valid advice," Steve said, meeting Danny's eyes again. "It's not my fault she listened to--"
"Oh, wait, I'm sorry, were we playing football? No. Baseball. Which one of us played baseball, Steven? Hm? I'll give you a hint--there is no quarterback in baseball."
Steve thought about that for a second. "All right, you might have a point."
"What?" Danny made a show of cleaning out the ear closest to Steve. "I'm sorry, first you actually buy beer and bring it here, and then you concede I have a point?" He pulled an exaggerated frown. "Did I ingest some deadly poison that's going to kill me in a day or something?"
"No, you are not dying." He tried to match Danny's frown, but Danny knew he had Steve beat on that one. He had a lot more practice. "Do you have to be dying for me to be nice to you?"
"I know you'd have to be dying to let me drive my own car."
"You drove it here didn't you?"
"Yes, when you weren't in it." Danny turned in the seat a little to face Steve, his knee bent on the sofa in front of him. "When is the last time I drove my car with you in it, Steven?"
Steve made a show of thinking about it. "You drive your car all the time."
"Not with you in it." When Steve gave him a blank look, Danny stuck a finger up near his face. "I'll tell you when. It was the day I met you. Two cars ago."
"Danny--"
"Two cars ago, Steven. Two."
After thinking a little longer, Steve shrugged. "You might be right about that, too."
"Okay, we're going for a ride."
Steve blinked at him. "What?"
"We're going for a ride because if you let me actually drive, I'll know I'm dying and we can go straight to the hospital."
"You are not dying," Steve insisted. "I don't know where you got that idea."
Danny held up the his bottle. "You bought beer."
"Look," Steve said, his eyes focusing on the label of his own beer, "I just thought you could use some company after...everything."
Danny took a deep breath. "Everything?"
"Tonight. You know."
"Tonight? You mean when we rescued someone's daughter who'd been kidnapped and hidden away God knows where while he ran around the island trying to find her? Why would that bother me?" Danny took a long drink of his beer, staring at the blank TV screen.
He felt Steve's hand on his shoulder. "Grace is fine. You talked to her."
"Yeah, she's fine. She's better than I had any right to hope considering everything she's been through in the last few years." He turned to meet Steve's eyes. "Does that make it okay?"
"What?"
"Does the fact that she turned out fine make it okay that I've put her through all this shit? That she's been uprooted and kidnapped because of my job, that she's seen me get shot, that she has to worry I might not come home one day?"
Steve's grip on Danny's shoulder tightened. "You didn't put her through any of that. No," Steve said, as Danny started to interrupt. "You didn't. Rachel moved her to Hawaii. You stopped her from uprooting Grace again. Peterson kidnapped her. You saved her. Ron Alberts crashed her Aloha Girls trip. You saved her. Where in any of that are you the bad guy?"
"Because I'm a cop!" Danny took a breath before he continued, lowering his voice. "Because if I hadn't been a cop none of that would've happened."
"You don't know that. I mean, if you use that logic, then you'd never have met Rachel if you weren't a cop, and Grace wouldn't exist, right?"
Danny waved him off. He didn't want to be logical or reasonable. He wanted to wallow. It was how he dealt with all the bullshit they saw, how he handled what it did to him, imagining the people he loved in the same situation. He wallowed and then he shoved it away and didn't let it get to him for a while.
Frankly, he thought Steve could do with a bit of wallowing. It would certainly be healthier than trying to lock everything away like nothing touched him, when anyone who bothered to get close enough could see that everything touched him.
He had no mechanism to deal with that, though. It had been broken when his mother had faked her death, and given his family revelations since, it was a small wonder that he'd let Catherine get as close as she had.
It was the reason Danny stayed carefully away from the spark between himself and Steve. The man deserved to be loved, and Danny was pretty fucking selfish, but not selfish enough to risk imploding two relationships that Steve had built. That he trusted implicitly.
He'd been broken too many times already.
And if Danny jacked off to mental images of naked Steve occasionally, nobody had to know. It wasn't hurting anyone.
"Danno?"
The word was soft, and Danny realized he'd zoned out. "Sorry," he said, rubbing his eyes. "Long day."
He forced himself to meet Steve's eyes, the concern and warmth there almost a tangible thing. He wanted to wallow in that, too, in the casual affection Steve showed him. But it was dangerous, too easy to go too far and reveal things Steve didn't need to know. Danny couldn't afford to slip up.
"I should probably go and let you get some sleep," Steve said, but he made no move to leave.
Danny shook his head. "Stay." He grabbed the remote from the table and turned the TV on. "The Natural's on," Danny said as he leaned back against the couch and flipped over to the movie. "You could get some pointers on how to actually play baseball."
For a moment, Steve didn't move, and Danny thought he might make an excuse and leave, steeled himself not to ask him to stay again. "Seriously?" Steve said, at last, settling back against the couch, his shoulder brushing Danny's. "You think I'm going to get any actual baseball pointers from that movie?"
Danny started defending the movie, his mood lightening as Steve started giving reasons Redford was horribly miscast. Of course Danny had to prove him wrong, each argument chasing away the lingering clouds in his brain.
It might not be what he wanted, but it was what he needed now. And that would do.
___
END
403 coda - A Moment
Author: stellarmeadow
Fandom: Hawaii Five-0
Paring: Steve/Danny
Rating: PG13
Summary: Sometimes Danny just needs to wallow.
Notes: Set near the end of ep 4.02, so it contains spoilers for the ep. Follows " The Weight of the World" but you don't need to have read that for this to make sense.
Danny flipped through the channels on the TV for the tenth time. There was nothing on, he'd done extensive research on that already, several times over. But at least it was noise and something to do. And he needed distraction. And probably sleep, but that wasn't happening anytime soon, so distraction was a necessity.
He sighed with relief at the knock at his door, turning off the TV and dropping the remote onto the table as he stood. When he pulled the door open, Steve was standing on the other side, holding up a six pack of Longboards. "Thought you could use a drink."
"I thought you were with Catherine," Danny said, but he stepped back and let Steve into the apartment.
He felt Steve's shrug as he brushed past Danny, even though there was plenty of room. "She went to have drinks with a friend who had a lead on a job."
"Was this friend perhaps a hot ex-boyfriend of hers who also happened to serve with you?"
Steve turned around sharply, eyes narrowed. "You think he's hot?"
"Seriously? You have to ask that question?"
Steve tilted his head to one side, then to the other. "I never really thought about it."
"You never--of course you didn't." Danny shook his head. "Gimme a beer," he said as he moved around the table, reclaiming his spot on the couch.
Steve sat down beside him, opening one of the beers and handing it over. "Anyway," Steve said, "since when does she have to have my permission to go anywhere?"
"She needs your permission to take a job."
"No, she doesn't, she just doesn't want to hurt..." Steve waved a hand around vaguely, "you know."
"Yes, I do know," Danny said. "Do you?"
He held Steve's gaze for a long moment before Steve looked away. He took a long drink, staring at the unopened bottles on the table. "You talk to Grace?"
"Yes, why? Did you want to give her some more pointers on how to strike out?"
"I gave her perfectly valid advice," Steve said, meeting Danny's eyes again. "It's not my fault she listened to--"
"Oh, wait, I'm sorry, were we playing football? No. Baseball. Which one of us played baseball, Steven? Hm? I'll give you a hint--there is no quarterback in baseball."
Steve thought about that for a second. "All right, you might have a point."
"What?" Danny made a show of cleaning out the ear closest to Steve. "I'm sorry, first you actually buy beer and bring it here, and then you concede I have a point?" He pulled an exaggerated frown. "Did I ingest some deadly poison that's going to kill me in a day or something?"
"No, you are not dying." He tried to match Danny's frown, but Danny knew he had Steve beat on that one. He had a lot more practice. "Do you have to be dying for me to be nice to you?"
"I know you'd have to be dying to let me drive my own car."
"You drove it here didn't you?"
"Yes, when you weren't in it." Danny turned in the seat a little to face Steve, his knee bent on the sofa in front of him. "When is the last time I drove my car with you in it, Steven?"
Steve made a show of thinking about it. "You drive your car all the time."
"Not with you in it." When Steve gave him a blank look, Danny stuck a finger up near his face. "I'll tell you when. It was the day I met you. Two cars ago."
"Danny--"
"Two cars ago, Steven. Two."
After thinking a little longer, Steve shrugged. "You might be right about that, too."
"Okay, we're going for a ride."
Steve blinked at him. "What?"
"We're going for a ride because if you let me actually drive, I'll know I'm dying and we can go straight to the hospital."
"You are not dying," Steve insisted. "I don't know where you got that idea."
Danny held up the his bottle. "You bought beer."
"Look," Steve said, his eyes focusing on the label of his own beer, "I just thought you could use some company after...everything."
Danny took a deep breath. "Everything?"
"Tonight. You know."
"Tonight? You mean when we rescued someone's daughter who'd been kidnapped and hidden away God knows where while he ran around the island trying to find her? Why would that bother me?" Danny took a long drink of his beer, staring at the blank TV screen.
He felt Steve's hand on his shoulder. "Grace is fine. You talked to her."
"Yeah, she's fine. She's better than I had any right to hope considering everything she's been through in the last few years." He turned to meet Steve's eyes. "Does that make it okay?"
"What?"
"Does the fact that she turned out fine make it okay that I've put her through all this shit? That she's been uprooted and kidnapped because of my job, that she's seen me get shot, that she has to worry I might not come home one day?"
Steve's grip on Danny's shoulder tightened. "You didn't put her through any of that. No," Steve said, as Danny started to interrupt. "You didn't. Rachel moved her to Hawaii. You stopped her from uprooting Grace again. Peterson kidnapped her. You saved her. Ron Alberts crashed her Aloha Girls trip. You saved her. Where in any of that are you the bad guy?"
"Because I'm a cop!" Danny took a breath before he continued, lowering his voice. "Because if I hadn't been a cop none of that would've happened."
"You don't know that. I mean, if you use that logic, then you'd never have met Rachel if you weren't a cop, and Grace wouldn't exist, right?"
Danny waved him off. He didn't want to be logical or reasonable. He wanted to wallow. It was how he dealt with all the bullshit they saw, how he handled what it did to him, imagining the people he loved in the same situation. He wallowed and then he shoved it away and didn't let it get to him for a while.
Frankly, he thought Steve could do with a bit of wallowing. It would certainly be healthier than trying to lock everything away like nothing touched him, when anyone who bothered to get close enough could see that everything touched him.
He had no mechanism to deal with that, though. It had been broken when his mother had faked her death, and given his family revelations since, it was a small wonder that he'd let Catherine get as close as she had.
It was the reason Danny stayed carefully away from the spark between himself and Steve. The man deserved to be loved, and Danny was pretty fucking selfish, but not selfish enough to risk imploding two relationships that Steve had built. That he trusted implicitly.
He'd been broken too many times already.
And if Danny jacked off to mental images of naked Steve occasionally, nobody had to know. It wasn't hurting anyone.
"Danno?"
The word was soft, and Danny realized he'd zoned out. "Sorry," he said, rubbing his eyes. "Long day."
He forced himself to meet Steve's eyes, the concern and warmth there almost a tangible thing. He wanted to wallow in that, too, in the casual affection Steve showed him. But it was dangerous, too easy to go too far and reveal things Steve didn't need to know. Danny couldn't afford to slip up.
"I should probably go and let you get some sleep," Steve said, but he made no move to leave.
Danny shook his head. "Stay." He grabbed the remote from the table and turned the TV on. "The Natural's on," Danny said as he leaned back against the couch and flipped over to the movie. "You could get some pointers on how to actually play baseball."
For a moment, Steve didn't move, and Danny thought he might make an excuse and leave, steeled himself not to ask him to stay again. "Seriously?" Steve said, at last, settling back against the couch, his shoulder brushing Danny's. "You think I'm going to get any actual baseball pointers from that movie?"
Danny started defending the movie, his mood lightening as Steve started giving reasons Redford was horribly miscast. Of course Danny had to prove him wrong, each argument chasing away the lingering clouds in his brain.
It might not be what he wanted, but it was what he needed now. And that would do.
___
END
403 coda - A Moment