Big Bang Theory fic: The Mating Dilemma
Title: The Mating Dilemma
Characters: Amy/Sheldon, Penny/Leonard, Bernadette/Howard, Raj
Rating: PG-15
Word count: 1,600
A/N: Written for the trope bingo square ‘Fuck or Die’. This came out of nowhere - but if anyone can subvert a trope it’s Sheldon Cooper. Crack.
*
The Mating Dilemma
“But it makes no sense,” complained Sheldon, using one chopstick to chase the last morsel of rice around his bowl. He fell silent while herding the grain in for the kill, waiting until it was first neatly pincered and then consumed, before returning to the attack. “Why should the act of coitus act as a life-saving device? If anything it would use up vital energy that could be used for a later escape bid.”
“It doesn’t have to a captive scenario. Think of pon farr,” suggested Leonard. He started gathering the empty food bowls up. Five of the remaining six people in the room made a point of passing their dishes to make his job easier. Number six was considering the Vulcan issue.
After a few moments Sheldon had thought through all the pon farr ramifications of the ‘sex or death’ set up that Amy had proposed for consideration. It was, she had assured them, purely hypothetical, based on a story that she had read on the internet.
Sheldon scowled. “Pon farr won’t do at all. It’s not apposite to the situation you’re proposing. Vulcans don’t need to die during pon farr because they can engage in kal-if-fee.”
“Plus in Amy’s story it was pervy aliens making the people mate,” put in Penny helpfully. She didn’t know much about the whole ‘fuck or die’ thing as opposed to the ‘dying for a fuck’ feeling, which she occasionally had and for which Leonard was pretty much always willing to oblige, but Amy had coached her well. This was number something-something, blah-blah, whatever in Amy’s latest scheme to convince Sheldon to put out. Penny could have - and in fact had - told Amy that this plan was doomed to failure but friends were there for each other. Fiction was fiction. And fact was fact. Just because you read something on the internet did not mean it was true. Except that bit about chewing celery actually using up more calories than the celery contained. That was completely on the level. Penny refused to believe otherwise.
“Yeah,” added Bernadette, “It’s always aliens who’ve been in space for years and years and are just desperate for any kind of contact and often they stand around watching and making notes and touching themselves a little.” She linked hands with her husband. “You know, sweetie, like that time we played that game where you were stranded on the space station for a whole twelve months and the only contact we had was through a video camera. That was fun.”
Howard blushed. “Not now, Bernie.”
“Oh!” said Sheldon, the metaphorical penny dropping. The real Penny rolled her eyes. “I see. It’s like a zoological experiment involving watching the mating behaviour of other species. If the visiting aliens don’t succeed in their mission they’ll have their research funding cut and face greatly increased student contact time. That might make them desperate enough to kill.”
“Right!” agreed Raj. He wasn’t sure about the whole alien thing, but he had drunk sufficient wine not to care and wanted to enjoy the whole being able to talk to girls experience while he could.
Sheldon was further considering the matter. “But that still doesn’t make sense. Why don’t the aliens just observe the humans for sufficient time that it takes them to mate naturally? I mean, goodness knows, if Leonard and Penny are any indication, the observers won’t have to wait very long. They’re very predictable. In fact, I’ve made out a timetable and nine times out of ten Leonard and Penny mate to schedule. The exception is certain days of the month but even then I’ve programmed in a variable to take account of Penny’s menstrual cycle. Unless...” He shuffled a little in excitement at developing a theory. “Oh, I have it! The aliens will identify the smartest person on the planet - that’s me, of course - and naturally want to observe my mating behaviour. The ‘or die’ part still seems a bit wasteful but let’s allow for alien hyperbole.”
Amy Farrah Fowler, who had spent the last fifteen minutes in mute contemplation of her wine glass, perked up. She knew that Sheldon would get the point eventually. He was too brilliant not to. She hoped that he’d get everywhere else sooner or later. Later anyway, since sooner was a distant memory.
Now that he had a working hypothesis Sheldon was getting quite animated. He expanded his theory. “They’ll probably want to use me as some sort of breeding stud for a new super race. That means they’ll have picked out a suitable mate. Now who could that be?”
Amy tucked her hair behind her ears and sat up straighter.
“Do the aliens have time manipulation technology?” considered Sheldon. “That would make finding a match for my brilliance a little easier.”
“It has to be someone here,” broke in Penny, sensing that the whole of time and the entire contents of Wikipedia might be under consideration. “That’s one of the alien rules.”
“That’s very limiting,” complained Sheldon. However, he seemed sufficiently taken with the idea of fathering a super race not to pursue it further. “Whatever, I expect my superior genes will counteract any deficiencies they encounter from inferior mating stock.”
Amy perked up again.
Sheldon held up his hand and considered his six companions. He touched his thumb. “Well, clearly Penny is out of the running. No offence, Penny, but you’re not exactly genius breeding material. Although you do have that whole healthy farm girl vibe about you. I expect you’ll reproduce very easily when the time comes like a sheep or a cow.”
“Now hang on a minute-“ began Leonard.
Penny cut him off. “I choose the ‘die’ option.”
Sheldon ignored this and moved on to his second and third fingers. “Howard and Bernadette are married so that won’t do. I can’t interrupt the sanctity of their union. Besides, how is Bernadette ever expected to settle for Howard again after experiencing the magnificence that is Sheldon Cooper?”
“I don’t like children,” growled Bernadette, tightening her hold on Howard’s hand to what looked like a death grip.
“Bernie,” he squawked. “And what about the rest? You know, you’d have to… you know…with Sheldon.”
“Oh yeah,” she said, loosening her grip just enough so that Howard could retrieve his hand. “And no way, buster. I’d go for the death option too.”
“And so would I.” added Howard, massaging the blood back into his palm.
“Well that’s just ridiculous,” objected Sheldon. “I wasn’t even going to ask you, Howard. What kind of parent would you be for the master race? You don’t even have a doctorate.”
“I’ve been to space,” said Howard. But he said it quietly, somehow in this company astronaut rated lower than PhD.
“I would do it for humanity,” said Raj with an air of martyrdom. He poured the remainder of the bottle of Pinot Grigio into his glass because even sacrifices for humanity sometimes needed a helping hand.
Sheldon smiled kindly, and stroked his fourth and fifth fingers. “That’s very thoughtful of you, Rajesh. I appreciate the gesture. However, I think Leonard would be a more appropriate choice. He’s used to my ways. Plus, we’re physically compatible.”
“Really?” asked Penny, looking hard at first Sheldon and then Leonard.
“I take the die option,” said Leonard.
“Don’t be silly, Leonard. Of course you don’t. We get along fine sharing the flat. Just think of the possibility of incubating the master race and how exciting that would be. All that would have to change would be putting the crib into your bedroom and updating the flatmate agreement.”
“Incubating the master race,” echoed Leonard weakly.
“You are shorter than him,” pointed out Amy. “I think that’s some kind of rule for male pregnancies and alien incubations.”
“Male pregnancies,” said Leonard, who seemed to be in repeating mode. He reached for the wine bottle but found it empty. Raj silently passed over his glass. He recognised a greater need.
Penny stepped in. “No. You cannot have Leonard for a baby momma Sheldon. I forbid it. If Leonard is going to incubate any alien babies they’ll be mine.”
Leonard’s mouth opened but no sound came out.
“That’s not fair!” protested Sheldon. “I saw Leonard first. It’s only right he have my babies before yours.”
Clearly neither was going to give up without a fight. Leonard downed the contents of Raj’s glass. Howard passed the remains of his wine with the hand that still had feeling.
“What about Amy?” asked Penny. “She’s brilliant.”
“Impossible,” said Sheldon, folding up his hand decisively. “I respect Amy far too much to involve her in any alien shenanigans. It’s out of the question. There’s clearly only one answer. I shall have to be cloned and have sex with myself. I have no doubt that I shall be the best mother and father that this world has ever seen. Or any other world, come to that.”
*
“Didn’t really work, did it?” noted Penny later as she made up the spare bed for Amy.
“My red and black lace bra from Victoria still remains a Secret,” agreed Amy, sadly.
Penny looked at her friend. It never stopped surprising her how clever people could be so clueless. “Why don’t you just get Sheldon drunk and jump him?”
“That wouldn’t be right.”
“And aliens made us do it would?”
Amy didn’t reply. The evening had not been a complete failure. It was clear that any passing aliens would totally fixate on Sheldon as the best that humanity had to offer. All she had to do was convince him that cloning was really not the most viable option.
*