Brigits Flame Entry - September Week 3 - Pre-disastered - Distance
brigits_flame week 3 entry - pre-disastered - Distance
word-count: ~1200 words
genre: fiction
notes: takes place in the same continuity as my week 2 entry, but is much less happy. Because everybody knows that the entertainment industry is not a happy place to be ( Read more... )
word-count: ~1200 words
genre: fiction
notes: takes place in the same continuity as my week 2 entry, but is much less happy. Because everybody knows that the entertainment industry is not a happy place to be ( Read more... )
Comments 8
Nasty people doing nasty mail and saying BAaaaad things. Rotten and i hope they got found out and kicked out! so there. pooh! (me being childish!).
Thanks for this little lesson, find your best attribute and be glad! teehee. Old Blue.
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Even though on the surface, Boyband!AU is sparkles and catchy music and neatly choreographed dances, it's pretty dark and depressing in my head. Poor Illin, she goes through a slew of problems, but she makes it out okay. :3 And that's what matters, sometimes.
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Boyband!AU is a fun world to write in, though it's getting more and more dark and depressing the more I write. xD the entertainment industry is a dark and dangerous place--poor Illin, she always gets the short end of the stick when I write.
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-I think 'return address' is fine, no need for hyphen. But the Hyphen Question is so inconclusively settled that I really can't say anything else :P
Kiya takes the letter reads it,
-Missing a comma after "letter" I think.
Illin trips over Mera for the fifth time.
-Literally? *headtilt* In choreographed dance the biggest problem was always being in sync or being in the right formation and bumping into each other - not really tripping. Then again it's been years so IDK anymore.
-Ah - who is Aika?
-How do they not have people to manage fanmail?!? There are many crazies, well-intentioned ones, too! Oh god, do not read your mail when you are famous!
Niiiice final sentence. I was afraid it would be a kind of depressing one, but that's excellent. Don't give them anything.
More generally, I had some problems with figuring out who was who and what positions they were in (eg there was a songwriter? And...a manager? But I wasn't really clear on who was who).
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Distance takes place a few months before their debut (pretty much right when Illin gets pulled to join already established-Fortuna who have been a street-band for a while/a bit of an internet sort of sensation). Since they're technically pre-debut, things aren't as tight with regards to fanmail and security and everything, especially since Illin was supposed to be a non-entity... that changes pretty quickly after Illin gets this letter. xD
I think it's hard to write boyband/girlgroup stories since there are so many people and their roles tend to be non-established pre-debut (like they are here). When I revise, I will need to fix that. xD
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This was so very well done :) It had a fantastic message, told in a subtle way. Beautiful setting and character dynamic. Illin is a lovable and relatable character good job all around!
Just a few edits:
The others are already there, reflected over and over in the mirrored room-Aika takes one look at the circles under her eyes and says, coolly, “You need to sleep if we’re going to do well.”i
I think a new sentence should start before 'Aika' here since we're presented with two different ideas.
The second letter she receives, is it the same one as before? They're almost completely identical in terms of message. Perhaps something to differentiate this one from the first one would be good?
That's all I have. Good job again! Thanks for sharing this beautiful piece.
-openedlocket
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The second letter is technically the first. I'm fond of circular-format stories, so the last scene is also the first scene. Sorry if it wasn't clear, I'll have to work on that! :D
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