Fic: Measure Every Grief (3/5)

[angelqueen04]

Part I (with meta)
Part II

Note: Just a reminder, this is the part that earns the story its 'R' rating, so watch out where you read this.



Peter passed his evening in the chair near Lord Daniel's bed. The duke's face had lost much of the redness from the fever and now looked pale and drawn. Peter forced himself not to think of it as an effigy. There was no sound in the room save the crackle of the tiny fire and Daniel's low breathing.

Master Loki departed after Peter returned, to check on Lord George and the other patients briefly. Peter was alone with Daniel, though a nurse was outside in case of any change. That seemed rather hopeless. Peter stared at the fireplace, wondering what would happen should the nation lose both Daniel and the queen, how the insurrection - for he felt it could not be called by any more polite name - by the college would affect the government should Elizabeth recover fully. Difficult work and much pain seemed to be before them at every turn, and Peter felt as if he had aged ten years in the months since Solstice and his arrival in Atlantis.

"Peter."

He must have dozed off, for when he moved his neck protested the angle it had been at on the back of the chair. Across the room, Master Loki was asleep on the small sofa which rested on the far side of the fireplace. Peter did not remember him returning.

It took a long moment for Peter to realize he had not imagined the sound of his name. He turned to find Daniel looking at him through heavy eyes.

Peter remained frozen in his chair, not convinced he could believe it, until he saw Daniel lick his lips and attempt to speak again. "Peter, what is happening?"

So great was his shock that when he jumped up, he knocked the chair over. "My lord!"

He was at the bedside in an instant, and the door opened swiftly as the nurse hurried into the room. Both she and Master Loki descended upon the bed swiftly. "Master Grodin? Oh my!" The woman put a hand to her breast as Daniel's head turned to look at her.

Daniel struggled to speak and the nurse hastened to bring him some water. The effort of drinking seemed to exhaust him but Peter felt hope springing up within him. The Asgard priest hovered over Daniel for some minutes while Peter watched as the little man and the nurse examined Daniel carefully.

The duke seemed sleepy but cognizant of his surroundings. He asked what day it was and looked alarmed to discover it had been so many days since he had fallen ill.

He was drifting to sleep again but to Peter now it was clear this was a healthy rest, not the terrible stillness of earlier. Master Loki beckoned Peter away from the bed. "Master Grodin, please inform Dr. Beckett that Lord Daniel has revived and that his life is out of danger." Even the normally reserved Asgard could not keep the joy out of his voice.

Peter spun about and ran for the door, intent on delivering this stunning news to the queen's chamber with all speed.

It was well into the night when Carson came out of the queen's bedchamber. Marcus raised his eyebrows but Carson shook his head. The doctor went to the small washroom off the chamber, which had been fitted out for his and Kate's use, since neither of them would repair more than a few feet from the queen's bedside just now.

He returned a few minutes later, wiping his damp face with a towel. "She is in a heavy sleep, much as Lord Daniel was. I do not think it is bringing her any rest," Carson said sadly.

"Kate?"

"She is asleep on the cot." The night before Marcus had sent servants to bring a cot to the queen's chamber. There was a sofa in the room but it was too small to be comfortable, and Kate needed to keep her strength up.

Carson looked at him critically. "As you should be yourself, Marcus."

He shrugged, leaning back against the couch with his arms folded over his chest. "I would rather hover here than lie in my bed uselessly."

Carson refrained from pointing out that hovering idly would not actually help Elizabeth either. Marcus had gone to his own room the night before for a few hours, though he had not gotten any real rest. Even though it had been just steps across the hall, it had left him feeling cut off. He didn't envy Laura, waiting down the corridor helplessly all this time.

Carson sat down next to Marcus. His shoulders were hunched and he drew a folded piece of paper from his pocket and read it again. After a moment he looked up and Marcus asked gently, "Laura is well?"

"Well enough, I suppose," Carson said. "She was sick to her stomach this evening."

"I am no expert on childbearing but is that not a fairly common symptom?" Kate had quietly informed him of Laura’s condition when it became apparent that Laura would not be attending Elizabeth through the illness.
"Aye," Carson replied, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "It is a good sign, uncomfortable though it may be for her. I just wish I could be there to soothe her through this. Last time I was able to help, but now..."

Marcus sat still as stone for a long minute before the doctor seemed to realize what he had just said. Marcus could barely raise his voice above a whisper. "Carson, do you mean to say that Laura was pregnant before?"

"Damn it. You must not tell anyone, Marcus, especially not Kate or the queen. Laura has not told them yet."

Carson looked so frantic that Marcus just nodded. He thought back over the time since the wedding in the spring. "When?"

Carson looked at the fireplace. "In Neill."

He remembered Laura's illness, though at the time his mind had been more occupied with the collapse of his courtship of Kate. "I didn't know," he said uselessly. He'd had no notion that Laura's illness had been anything particular at the time. Now he felt angry at himself for not being more considerate of her and Carson.

"She didn't wish anyone to know," Carson said quietly. "She spoke to her mother, I think, but we've hardly spoken of it between ourselves since."

Marcus leaned forward. "This was why you sent her away from the queen, wasn't it."

Carson nodded. "A few days ago, when I realized how deadly the fever was proving to be, I made Laura swear to me she would keep herself safe. We were not even sure that she was pregnant again, but I could not bear the thought of her becoming ill."

There was an awkward pause as Carson's lips trembled. He put his head in his hands, and Marcus put a comforting arm across Carson's shoulders. The doctor was exhausted from days of hard work, but he suspected that was not the only reason for this breakdown. Although Marcus could empathize, he could not truly understand what it must have been like for the man to know his own wife had been so ill and he had been powerless in the face of it. The situation would have been all the worse for Carson, the queen's personal physician.

Carson's voice was muffled by his hands. "I know it pains her to be separated from Elizabeth right now, but I would rather she suffer that than risk the baby or her own health."

"She knows that, Carson, I'm sure of it."

The other man wiped his eyes hastily. "I just need Laura safe," he repeated lowly.

Marcus patted his back, feeling a bit awkward. He was not accustomed to comforting people, other than Kate and the queen.

Before either of them could speak further, there were sounds of footsteps rushing down the hallway. Marcus stood up, his stomach clenching with dread as the guard in the hall admitted Master Grodin. Carson also rose and Marcus knew the doctor was bracing himself for the news. Though he was confused why Peter would run to tell them that Lord Daniel had succumbed when the event was not unexpected.

"He's awake!" Peter blurted out, between gasping for breath. "Lord Daniel, he has wakened."

"What? When?" Carson hurried forward.

Peter recounted the events of the last quarter hour, how he had been dozing near the bed when Lord Daniel had called out. "Master Loki said he is out of danger," Peter said.

Marcus stared at Carson for a moment, hardly able to wrap his mind around this great turn of events.

Carson's expression cleared a moment later. "I must go to Lord Daniel's chambers and examine him myself, and speak to Master Loki. We will review every aspect of his treatment. It may be the key to saving the queen lies in this miracle."

Carson hastened away with Peter. Marcus turned to the other door, wondering if he should wake Kate to tell her or let her sleep. However the door opened a moment later and Kate peeked out. "Marcus?"

He beckoned her and Kate cast one swift glance over her shoulder at Elizabeth's bed before stepping outside. She was uncharacteristically rumpled, her dress and hair disordered from sleep. Marcus had only seen her so a few times before, and the sight struck him with surprising force now. He remembered how she looked that day in Athos last fall, the first time he had kissed her, when he had confessed his feelings and discovered they were returned. He had to remind himself that he no longer had the right to reach out and bring her into his arms, though he ached with sudden fierceness to do just that.

With effort, he put his feelings aside and drew her near to the fireplace. "There is good news, Kate. Lord Daniel has awakened."

Kate covered her mouth in shock. "Truly?"

He nodded. "Master Grodin just came to tell us. Carson has gone with him to confer with Master Loki."

She looked a little dizzy for a moment and Marcus reached out on pure instinct, in case she lost her feet. She braced herself against the mantle, however, and he pulled his hand back before he could touch her.

"I must write a note to Laura. Will you have one of your men give it to her? Slip it under the door, though, in case she sleeps. I will send messengers to Lord George and my father... and Jack."

"Kate, let me take care of that. Go write to Laura."

She shot him a grateful glance and then retired to the other room. Marcus went to the door to summon a messenger, feeling hopeful for the first time in two days.

Daniel had awakened into a nightmare. That was the only explanation he could find for the situation that greeted his recovery. In the few days he had been ill, it seemed everything had fallen apart.

They kept the worst of the news from him during the morning. Daniel wondered why it was that Carson was not attending to him, and why Elizabeth had not come to see him yet, but it was not until after noon that he noticed a tension and sadness in everyone who came and went from his room.

Finally, he asked Peter flat out what was wrong. Master Loki objected, but Peter sank into the chair at Daniel's bedside and told him that Elizabeth was gravely ill. She had been lucid yesterday but her condition had been deteriorating ever since. Beckett was refusing to leave her side for more than a few minutes for fear of any change for the worse.

Daniel honestly feared for a moment he might lose consciousness; all the air seemed to be gone from his lungs and he could not draw breath.

His immediate impulse was to rise and go to his cousin, but he was effectively quelled by the doctor and his own dizziness. Grumbling, he laid back in his bed and noticed that Peter was still not meeting his eyes.

"Peter."

"My lord?"

"Tell me the rest," he ordered.

Peter startled momentarily, then his shoulders slumped. With a mix of sadness and fury, Peter told him that Lord George had also been ill, and his recovery was not proceeding as well as it should be. Peter recounted the rebellion of the college of lords that had taken place after Lord George had fallen ill, how the queen had been insulted and belittled by the nobles and then betrayed during an attempt at compromise.

Woolsey. And Jack.

Daniel spent the better part of an hour asking Peter questions, but always it boiled down to the same thing. Jack had stood publicly against Elizabeth, had openly thwarted her will and her rule, at the most vulnerable moment imaginable, when Elizabeth had neither himself nor Lord George to counsel her or help in managing the college.

Peter finally departed to see to some things. Daniel lay still, trying to gain control of himself. But he could not tear his mind from Peter's account of events and fate took the matter out of his hands, for there was a knock upon the door and Jack came into the room.

His old friend looked relieved as he approached the bed, but his expression darkened when he caught sight of Daniel's face.

Daniel glanced towards the nurse and Master Loki. "Leave us."

The Asgard complied, but before going he said to Jack, "Lord Daniel needs rest. He must not overexert himself." There was a clear warning in the words, but Daniel did not care.

When the door was shut and they were alone, Jack stood expectantly. Daniel waited for something, anything, any acknowledgment or admission, but none came. Finally he spat out, "How could you?"

Jack winced. "I thought I was protecting the country," he said quietly.

"By violating your oath to Elizabeth?" Daniel snapped.

"I didn't..." Jack sighed. "I believed I was protecting her, protecting her reign."

"How in the world is sharing secret information in order to subvert the queen's authority protecting anyone?" Daniel was all but yelling now, and he sat upright in the bed, ignoring the way his head spun.

"You were with me when the Ori came, and you saw with your own eyes what the Goa'uld can do to an enemy when they choose," Jack replied, slightly angered. "I would do almost anything to prevent Atalan from being caught unawares as we were with the Ori." He held up a hand before Daniel could speak. "I know now that there are other considerations. I know that Elizabeth may very well never forgive me for what I did, but I was on my way to beg her forgiveness when we found her unconscious."

The reminder of Elizabeth's illness only served to turn Daniel's stomach over. "And you think merely asking pardon will be enough, after you openly defied and humiliated her?"

He shook his head. "I know it will not be so easy."

Daniel looked away. "It may very well be impossible. I have no idea how the queen could forgive anyone, even me, after such actions. And to pick that moment, when she was without any other advisor, for your little revolt against her authority -"

Jack's hands were clenched and his voice was tight. He seemed to be struggling greatly to hold on to his temper, probably due to Master Loki's injunction. "Daniel, the mistakes I made have already been pointed out to me several times, by many people. There is no need for you enumerate them."

"It's unfortunate you did not think to check yourself before you could make such mistakes. As usual, Jack, you were convinced your way was the only correct one and everyone else be damned. And this time the cost may be the country."

Jack shook his head, but his face paled. "We don't know that."

Daniel's temper snapped and he stood up, wobbling uncertainly. For a moment Jack seemed about to reach out and steady him. Daniel spoke before he could move. "My cousin may be dying at this moment, Jack, and your betrayal of her may have hastened the end!"

"Daniel -" Jack's voice was low and held a warning tone he had heard many times before. Usually it made Daniel check himself, but he couldn't contain the anger boiling within him. Elizabeth's rule over the country was weakened and she herself lay in terrible danger. Daniel had not been there for her as he had promised, though he knew that was through no fault of his own. But the man he trusted and called his friend, bound by the same oaths, had been there, and Jack had let all of them down. Beyond that, he had not only not protected Elizabeth, he had acted to hurt her. Of all the questionable things Daniel had seen his old friend do, this was both the worst and most shocking.

His voice cut across the tension in the room. "No, Jack. You failed not only Elizabeth this time. You failed Lord George, King Edmund, and you failed me." Misery was written across the other man's face, but somehow it only fed Daniel's rage. Fear for Elizabeth and the country were so strong in him, guilt and lingering pain from the illness eating at him, he had to do something, and before him was one person he could blame for it all. Goaded beyond measure, he lashed out with the sharpest words he could think of. "I never thought I would see you turn traitor for any reason, least of all your own ego."

Jack's jaw dropped open and Daniel fully expected the argument to continue, but Jack snapped his mouth shut, spun on his heel and left the room without another word. Part of Daniel wanted to call him back, make Jack stand and take all the abuse Daniel could pour out until he could think clearly again, but the door stood open in Jack's wake, and Daniel suddenly could not stay upright. He fell, his body landing only half on the bed, and a moment later he slid to the floor, his weak legs unable to support him. His vision swam nauseatingly and cold sweat broke out over his body.

He heard the nurse exclaim in alarm and hands helped him up and back into the bed. Master Loki clucked angrily over him, but Daniel's thoughts were far away. He wondered if, in addition to the entire country being at risk, he had just destroyed one of the most important friendships of his life.

Late in the evening Sarah left Lord David and the matters of state they were attempting to deal with. Only matters of gravest importance were being addressed now. Anything that could wait would until the queen was recovered.

She was relatively low-ranking, but Sarah had quickly learned that right now, trust was more important than experience. Though Lord David had initially seemed to be a moderate in the arguments over the army and navy, it was clear that he was now siding firmly with the queen's allies, chiefly with Teyla. Sarah had, at least, proven herself loyal to the queen even if the circumstances made her uncomfortable.

In the back of her mind, she felt guilty over how she was being brought in, for it happened as Jack was being shut out. Jack was facing the consequences of his actions, but that did not make the situation more palatable to Sarah.

She was glad for her connections, however, when a breathless page interrupted her conference with Lord David to inform them that Daniel had awoken at last. After days of believing that Daniel was about to breathe his last, it was an immense relief to know that he was indeed out of danger. Sarah would have gone to visit him, but she knew that he probably needed rest and quiet now more than ever. Instead, she decided she would see Jack, who would almost certainly be able to tell her more of Daniel's condition.

It was late in the evening when she finally escaped business and sought Jack out. She was not surprised to find him in his bedchamber, but she was caught off-guard by how somber he looked as he stood by the empty fireplace. "Jack," she said, "have you not heard the news?"

He looked at her sharply as she closed the door behind herself. "Has the queen's condition changed?"

Sarah shook her head. "I was speaking of Daniel."

At the name of his friend Jack's expression closed off completely and Sarah's alarm rose. "Did something happen to him? I heard his fever broke -"

"I do not want to talk about him," he interrupted, turning away from her and leaning heavily on the mantlepiece.

Sarah crossed the room to stand beside him. "Jack, what happened?" she asked in amazement. He did not move, and Sarah concluded that Daniel's health was not the issue. If Daniel had been awake and Jack had seen him, what would have been the outcome of such a meeting? She knew enough of Daniel to guess he would not take news of his cousin's illness calmly, to say nothing of Jack's actions in the college. "Did you argue with him?"

"Sarah, I beg you," Jack fired back. "You are the only part of my life that is not on the razor's edge now. Please, do not make me defend myself to you as well!"

When his gaze met hers he looked nearly wild with anger and fear and confusion. She brushed his cheek with her fingertips for a moment before letting her hand fall back to her side. "Jack," she said quietly, "what do you want?"

There was a moment then that seemed to stretch out like a rope pulled too taut. She remembered months ago when he'd told her he was better at doing than talking.

With one hand he grabbed the back of her head, kissing her so hard that their teeth clicked. Sarah let out a surprised sound but it was no deterrence. Jack's fingers were toying with her curls and his mouth was quickly driving every thought from her head. Sarah had never felt his desperation like this. Though she knew he was trying to distance and distract himself from other problems, she couldn't help her reaction to his advances. A thrill went down her spine and she kissed him back eagerly.

When she threaded her fingers through his hair, Jack groaned and grabbed her hip with his free hand. She thought he would pull her closer, but instead he propelled her backward through the room till she collided with something hard. He let his mouth trail down her throat, and when he bit down at the curve of her neck, she moaned, gripping the edge of the table she was now pinned against.

It should have frightened her, Sarah thought as Jack unlaced the surcote she wore over a skirt and loose blouse. He was always so damned gentle with her, even the other day when she had seized in fear when he touched her. This was not his usual way with her, but even now as he tugged at her clothes, ridding her of the surcote and pulling the blouse over her head, she did not object. She gasped and arched her body toward him as his mouth closed around her breast, even through layers of undergarments.

She parted her legs slightly, letting him step closer, and she could feel his arousal. For her own part, her body was aching for him already. He moved to her other breast; with one hand she still held the table's edge, but with her other she touched him, lightly scratching the back of his neck. He bit her nipple and Sarah cried out his name.

Jack was breathing harshly when he pulled away from her breasts, planting his hands on either side of her on the table. "You should go," he said lowly, a pained quality to his voice.

He was right, of course. This was enormously improper and with the general upheaval in the palace, it was more likely, not less, that they would be caught by some servant or page or lord coming to give Jack news at any hour. Still, he wanted her, maybe even needed her, and she knew that she could help him, give him something to hold on to while everything else was falling apart.

More than that, she wanted him just as badly.

As soon as her mind was decided, a rush of terrible memories began to build up, but she pushed that away. Osiris had taken many things from her, but he could not take Jack from her unless she let him. So she cupped Jack's face and pulled him close to whisper in his ear.

"Take me to bed, Jack. Tell me to stay."

He drew back to look at her in wonder for a moment. Then they were kissing and touching, hastily undressing each other as they made their way across the room. When Sarah landed on the bed, Jack stopped and knelt before her, grimacing a little. Gently, though, he untied her garters and slid her stockings down her long legs. His touch as he removed the last of her garments made her shiver.

He climbed onto the bed with her, and before long they had settled more or less comfortably, Jack with his head on the pillows and caressing her as she knelt over him. He touched her face, drawing her closer, and he said lowly, "I love you."

It was not what she had asked him to say, she thought irreverently as their bodies began to rock together, but it was close enough.

Jack had never forgotten the last time he awoke with his wife. It had been early in the morning, the sunlight streaming into their bedchamber in the mountaintop fortress in Neill. They had talked of things past and of their plans for the future. Every time he left her he had resolved not to be away so long the next time, but just as he was making plans to return to his family, he got word. There had been an accident. She had died quickly. By the time he came home again, she was already buried and his relationship with his son had begun to deteriorate.

He doubted he would ever forget this time he woke either, but he desperately hoped that it would not be the last time he woke with Sarah Gardner in his bed.

She was lying on her side, her body stretched out alongside his and her arm across his stomach. There was a peacefulness to her expression which Jack had not often seen in her. When they had met in the spring, she was too recently free of her long nightmare to be truly at ease, and he was distracted by his concerns for the country's safety.

With a sigh, he looked away, staring up at the ceiling. It seemed that he had never allowed those concerns to abate, but that was not the true source of his troubles now. In one way or another, it had been expressed to him a number of times. He had dismissed Elizabeth's opinion as emotional and hasty when his own was no better. He had assumed Sarah could not withstand the scrutiny of the court, when she had withstood far worse. He had broken faith with his friends and Elizabeth might now be paying the price with more than her reputation.

Most of the time now, he hoped that he would wake up and find that none of this had happened.

Sarah began to stir, her hand skimming up from his stomach to rest on his chest. Gently Jack squeezed her fingers, and she kissed his shoulder. "How long were we asleep?" she asked.

"A few hours. It's just after midnight." At her confused look, he added, "The watch changed a little while ago."

She sighed, her breath warm against his neck. "I should go."

It was Jack's turn to frown. "I thought you wanted to stay."

"Were we anywhere but Atlantis," she confessed. "But someone could come looking for you."

"Let them," he growled, turning and leaning in to suckle on the delicate skin just below her earlobe.

She gasped as he gently pushed her to her back, settling over her. In the morning he knew they would come to their senses and acknowledge that this could not happen again, not until they had decided what the future held for them, but for now he had her in his bed and wanted to spend this night focused on nothing save her body and their mutual pleasures and desires.

His mouth trailed down her stomach and his tongue flicked her navel, causing her to draw in a sharp breath, but her resistance was not completely gone yet. "And what if your son came looking for you?"

Annoyed, he altered his course, resting his arms on either side of her head and staring down at her. "Damn you," he muttered playfully, kissing her and biting her lower lip lightly.

She ran her hands up his chest and narrowed her eyes at him. "Love you too," she said dryly.

She didn't object, though, when he resumed kissing her, or when his hands wandered down her body, or when his fingers began to tease her. She was trembling and clinging to him in short order, her cry muffled by his mouth, hot and insistent against hers. Then he was moving inside her, and Jack could think of nothing beyond Sarah, her arms and legs wrapped around him and so much soft, warm skin.

They were mostly still and quiet for a long time after he was spent. Jack looked at the blissful expression on his lover's face and knew that this was far more than a night of comfort and distraction for him, and more than the first time of Sarah choosing a lover for herself. It would be difficult to deny himself this pleasure in the future, now that he knew what it was like to share her bed. However, the risks involved would not change.

"I really ought to go," she said to him, her voice husky.

This time he did not object. "Let me help you dress."

He put on his dressing gown while she pulled her undergarments on, and then he helped with her corset and all the laces. She was almost completely dressed again when he blurted out, "Sarah, are you still angry with me?"

She looked at him like he had lost his mind. "You have spent days not wishing to discuss this, but now you want to know?" she asked. "You are a strange man, Jack."

She moved away from him to sit and put her shoes on. "I'm sorry," he replied, causing her to look up at him in surprise. "I should have trusted your measure of yourself, what you knew you could cope with."

"Yes, you should have," she said bluntly. "And you should have tried to understand the queen's position instead of flailing against it wildly."

Jack crossed his arms over his chest and looked down. "I know. At this point I can only hope that she will wake and I will be able to beg her forgiveness."

Sarah nodded, and she walked up to him and kissed him lingeringly, a forgiveness granted without words. "Hope is a powerful thing."

She of all people would know, he mused as he saw her out of his chambers. He had little else but hope to anchor him now, but for the first time in days, he managed to sleep deeply when she was gone.