Chaptered Fic: No Other One, Chapter 6
Title: No Other One, Chapter 6
Author: Duckie Nicks
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Yelina Salas, Horatio Caine, the whole Caine family
Author's Note: WARNING: SPOILER FOR SEASON 6.
Summary: Almost two decades ago, Horatio made a decision that would change his family forever. Will they ever be able to get past it? And will he ever tell Yelina how he feels? This is an alternative to the season 6 premiere, "Dangerous Son." HY romance in the future.
Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, and Chapter 5
Disclaimer: I don’t own it, though sometimes I wish I did.
No Other One
Chapter Six: Time to Leave
By Duckie Nicks
“If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much.” - Jackie Kennedy Onassis
He was halfway down the stairwell when his nerves, or maybe it was realization, kicked in.
Horatio had no idea how to tell this boy the truth.
His steady pace slowed, and on the next step, the redhead faltered, his feet tripping up. Not wanting to break his neck (or this was what he told himself, at least), Horatio grabbed the warm metal railing and slowly made his way down the staircase.
All the while, he tried to think of a way to tell his son that… well, that they were father and son. With every step, there was a new possibility, each more ridiculous than the next. Easing into it seemed unlikely; Horatio had already pushed the boundaries with Kyle as far as they would go. The teenager was hardly going to want to sit down and chat amicably.
But then again, a straight admission wasn’t preferable. What could he say really, “Hey, Kyle, sorry for getting rough with you, and by the way, I’m your dad”?
It was an impossible situation with no right answers, no distinct path to take. Only failure and rejection were assured for Horatio. And maybe, in a way, that should have made it easier. Because, if it didn’t matter how he said it, then any way the truth came out would suit. The end result would be anger and disbelief, but that would always be the conclusion to this. And at least then Kyle would know.
Yet, none of this put Horatio at ease. Nor did it supply him with any amount of recklessness; the lieutenant didn’t even have the determination that usually came with his job. How could he feel any confidence or relief when the end result was that his son would hate him?
The realization gave Horatio pause, and he slowed his pace even further.
Of all the things he had never prepared himself for…
He’d set himself up for many disappointments in life. So many things had failed to meet his expectations. And he’d been able to live with that - he’d had to accept that fact. But this…
Failing as a parent? Horatio had never prepared himself for that.
For the most part, he’d come to the conclusion that fatherhood was never going to happen for him. It was a fact, and the redhead had accepted that, had told himself that it was just wasn’t meant to be.
And that aspect of life could easily be soothed by focusing on his niece and nephew. Maybe he shouldn’t have felt this way, but helping Suzie and Yelina bolstered him, gave him some feeling of purpose outside of his job. Because, while they denied this (especially Yelina), the two women saw him in some ways as the father to their children.
A part of him knew - was well aware - that he shouldn’t secretly cherish this role. He was a substitute for his brother; there could be no denying that, and sometimes, Horatio did hate that because Raymond should have been there.
But even while knowing that… the redhead liked playing surrogate dad. If he couldn’t have his own children, this small taste seemed better than nothing. It wasn’t much, perhaps, but Ray Junior and Madison got what they needed, and Horatio got what he wanted. Because as painful as it was at times, there was something so achingly comforting about being able to do this. About seeing what might have been and knowing what he might have had in a different life.
If… everyone involved had made different choices.
And never, not once, did Horatio imagine having a child the way Kyle had come into his life. Never had Horatio prepared himself for this kind of failure because he’d always assumed, maybe arrogantly so, that he’d know what to do.
True, he didn’t know what it was like to have a father, but still the redhead had believed it would all come naturally. Or at least he’d die trying to be the dad every child deserved.
That’s what he’d thought.
But here he was.
His son was bleeding and furious with him, and Horatio had no idea how to broach the subject. They were strangers to one another, with no relationship, good or bad, to speak of.
Though he was now taking the last step, Horatio found himself unable to move forward. Still without any idea of how to handle the situation, he sat down on the metal stair and sighed.
He hadn’t even known his child existed, and that made him, at best, a terrible parent.
If one at all.
Because the very foundation of decent parenting was that your world altered - the universe completely shifted - the moment your baby was born. But Horatio had continued to live his life all this time without even the slightest hint of a monumental change.
It hit him then; everything he’d missed. First steps, first words - first everything - lost to him forever.
And the one thing Horatio had done for his son he could barely remember. Briefly replaying the last few months of 1990 and all of ’91 in his head, the redhead could see that his memories had faded with time.
Kyle’s mother had brown hair; he could recall that much. But everything else about her seemed to be a blur of skin and liquor and clothing being removed hastily in a cheap motel room.
Even that memory had been hard to remember. And really, truth be told, Horatio had only deduced that this nameless woman had been the mother to his child because he’d glanced at Kyle’s birthday in the police report.
It was pathetic and wrong, Horatio knew. His only act of fatherhood was a tiny blurb in his life. He’d had more vivid trips to the dentist than this.
The redhead sighed, rubbing his cheeks against the palms of his hands.
He’d always believed he could be a good father, but the reality was…
Horatio had absolutely nothing to offer this kid.
There were no charming stories for Kyle about how his parents fell in love. There was no sob story, where Horatio spent years looking for his son. He couldn’t even claim to recognize the boy for who he was.
And what father-son relationship could grow from that? The boy obviously didn’t trust Horatio. With good reason too, given his actions, the CSI thought. But putting that aside, the redhead worried that, even if he tried to help, Kyle was already too far gone.
Not that he should even begin to play savior, Horatio lamented. It was almost funny, he thought, that this one event should have him completely rethinking his life. But now… looking at everything he’d done, Horatio thought he really didn’t have the right to play “daddy” to some kid.
If he told Kyle the truth, the boy wouldn’t welcome him with open arms. And if he did, what would the teenager get in exchange? Horatio didn’t think he had much.
He had two dead parents, a dead brother, dead wife, a furious sister-in-law, a niece and nephew he rarely saw these days. He’d killed people, had hidden behind his badge and science in order to exact his revenge. Hardly what a troubled teenager needed or deserved.
And in total, Horatio thought now that there hadn’t been much he’d done of any value. He was a mess, and… maybe the boy was better off without him.
His son would be better off without his father, Horatio couldn’t deny - though they were words he’d thought he’d never say. And maybe the only responsible thing to do now was to walk away. Maybe he should pretend that he’d never learned the truth. Because, really, the redhead had nothing else to offer his son except this freedom from all the trappings of being a Caine.
Sitting in the stairwell all by himself, Horatio could feel the loneliness clawing at the back of his throat. Here he was, the father to this boy, but… Kyle would never know that. And the redhead would never be a parent. The opportunity he had secretly wanted all these years was here, and he’d have to look the other way.
It killed him to admit that. Whatever pain he had felt before seemed miniscule to this. Horatio knew he’d rather bury his wife or brother again, would prefer to send Yelina off or kill his own father a hundred more times than go through this. He’d willingly walk through the circles of hell than walk away from this. So many things he’d rather do than accept that everything he’d thought about himself was a lie - rather do any of it than leave.
And yet here he was - going to do just that.
He stood up, determined to get this over with. Thinking about it some more wasn’t going to help, Horatio understood. Do it like a band-aid.
Taking a step, the redhead started his mantra: I am not a good father, and this must be done.
His hand grabbing the metal door handle, he thought, “I am a bad father, and my son deserves better. He deserves this lie.”
Entering the lab again, his hands now shaking, “You are not is father, and you never will be.”
Heading towards the interrogation room, he said to himself, “Go in there and finish the job. Nothing has changed.”
But the moment Horatio saw the messy-blond teenager, the boy’s body slumped over lazily in his chair, the redhead knew:
Everything had changed. And though he should walk away - do what he would do under any other circumstances, in any other interrogation, Horatio couldn’t. Because… for better or worse…
Everything had changed.
Go to the next Chapter
Author: Duckie Nicks
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Yelina Salas, Horatio Caine, the whole Caine family
Author's Note: WARNING: SPOILER FOR SEASON 6.
Summary: Almost two decades ago, Horatio made a decision that would change his family forever. Will they ever be able to get past it? And will he ever tell Yelina how he feels? This is an alternative to the season 6 premiere, "Dangerous Son." HY romance in the future.
Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, and Chapter 5
Disclaimer: I don’t own it, though sometimes I wish I did.
No Other One
Chapter Six: Time to Leave
By Duckie Nicks
“If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much.” - Jackie Kennedy Onassis
He was halfway down the stairwell when his nerves, or maybe it was realization, kicked in.
Horatio had no idea how to tell this boy the truth.
His steady pace slowed, and on the next step, the redhead faltered, his feet tripping up. Not wanting to break his neck (or this was what he told himself, at least), Horatio grabbed the warm metal railing and slowly made his way down the staircase.
All the while, he tried to think of a way to tell his son that… well, that they were father and son. With every step, there was a new possibility, each more ridiculous than the next. Easing into it seemed unlikely; Horatio had already pushed the boundaries with Kyle as far as they would go. The teenager was hardly going to want to sit down and chat amicably.
But then again, a straight admission wasn’t preferable. What could he say really, “Hey, Kyle, sorry for getting rough with you, and by the way, I’m your dad”?
It was an impossible situation with no right answers, no distinct path to take. Only failure and rejection were assured for Horatio. And maybe, in a way, that should have made it easier. Because, if it didn’t matter how he said it, then any way the truth came out would suit. The end result would be anger and disbelief, but that would always be the conclusion to this. And at least then Kyle would know.
Yet, none of this put Horatio at ease. Nor did it supply him with any amount of recklessness; the lieutenant didn’t even have the determination that usually came with his job. How could he feel any confidence or relief when the end result was that his son would hate him?
The realization gave Horatio pause, and he slowed his pace even further.
Of all the things he had never prepared himself for…
He’d set himself up for many disappointments in life. So many things had failed to meet his expectations. And he’d been able to live with that - he’d had to accept that fact. But this…
Failing as a parent? Horatio had never prepared himself for that.
For the most part, he’d come to the conclusion that fatherhood was never going to happen for him. It was a fact, and the redhead had accepted that, had told himself that it was just wasn’t meant to be.
And that aspect of life could easily be soothed by focusing on his niece and nephew. Maybe he shouldn’t have felt this way, but helping Suzie and Yelina bolstered him, gave him some feeling of purpose outside of his job. Because, while they denied this (especially Yelina), the two women saw him in some ways as the father to their children.
A part of him knew - was well aware - that he shouldn’t secretly cherish this role. He was a substitute for his brother; there could be no denying that, and sometimes, Horatio did hate that because Raymond should have been there.
But even while knowing that… the redhead liked playing surrogate dad. If he couldn’t have his own children, this small taste seemed better than nothing. It wasn’t much, perhaps, but Ray Junior and Madison got what they needed, and Horatio got what he wanted. Because as painful as it was at times, there was something so achingly comforting about being able to do this. About seeing what might have been and knowing what he might have had in a different life.
If… everyone involved had made different choices.
And never, not once, did Horatio imagine having a child the way Kyle had come into his life. Never had Horatio prepared himself for this kind of failure because he’d always assumed, maybe arrogantly so, that he’d know what to do.
True, he didn’t know what it was like to have a father, but still the redhead had believed it would all come naturally. Or at least he’d die trying to be the dad every child deserved.
That’s what he’d thought.
But here he was.
His son was bleeding and furious with him, and Horatio had no idea how to broach the subject. They were strangers to one another, with no relationship, good or bad, to speak of.
Though he was now taking the last step, Horatio found himself unable to move forward. Still without any idea of how to handle the situation, he sat down on the metal stair and sighed.
He hadn’t even known his child existed, and that made him, at best, a terrible parent.
If one at all.
Because the very foundation of decent parenting was that your world altered - the universe completely shifted - the moment your baby was born. But Horatio had continued to live his life all this time without even the slightest hint of a monumental change.
It hit him then; everything he’d missed. First steps, first words - first everything - lost to him forever.
And the one thing Horatio had done for his son he could barely remember. Briefly replaying the last few months of 1990 and all of ’91 in his head, the redhead could see that his memories had faded with time.
Kyle’s mother had brown hair; he could recall that much. But everything else about her seemed to be a blur of skin and liquor and clothing being removed hastily in a cheap motel room.
Even that memory had been hard to remember. And really, truth be told, Horatio had only deduced that this nameless woman had been the mother to his child because he’d glanced at Kyle’s birthday in the police report.
It was pathetic and wrong, Horatio knew. His only act of fatherhood was a tiny blurb in his life. He’d had more vivid trips to the dentist than this.
The redhead sighed, rubbing his cheeks against the palms of his hands.
He’d always believed he could be a good father, but the reality was…
Horatio had absolutely nothing to offer this kid.
There were no charming stories for Kyle about how his parents fell in love. There was no sob story, where Horatio spent years looking for his son. He couldn’t even claim to recognize the boy for who he was.
And what father-son relationship could grow from that? The boy obviously didn’t trust Horatio. With good reason too, given his actions, the CSI thought. But putting that aside, the redhead worried that, even if he tried to help, Kyle was already too far gone.
Not that he should even begin to play savior, Horatio lamented. It was almost funny, he thought, that this one event should have him completely rethinking his life. But now… looking at everything he’d done, Horatio thought he really didn’t have the right to play “daddy” to some kid.
If he told Kyle the truth, the boy wouldn’t welcome him with open arms. And if he did, what would the teenager get in exchange? Horatio didn’t think he had much.
He had two dead parents, a dead brother, dead wife, a furious sister-in-law, a niece and nephew he rarely saw these days. He’d killed people, had hidden behind his badge and science in order to exact his revenge. Hardly what a troubled teenager needed or deserved.
And in total, Horatio thought now that there hadn’t been much he’d done of any value. He was a mess, and… maybe the boy was better off without him.
His son would be better off without his father, Horatio couldn’t deny - though they were words he’d thought he’d never say. And maybe the only responsible thing to do now was to walk away. Maybe he should pretend that he’d never learned the truth. Because, really, the redhead had nothing else to offer his son except this freedom from all the trappings of being a Caine.
Sitting in the stairwell all by himself, Horatio could feel the loneliness clawing at the back of his throat. Here he was, the father to this boy, but… Kyle would never know that. And the redhead would never be a parent. The opportunity he had secretly wanted all these years was here, and he’d have to look the other way.
It killed him to admit that. Whatever pain he had felt before seemed miniscule to this. Horatio knew he’d rather bury his wife or brother again, would prefer to send Yelina off or kill his own father a hundred more times than go through this. He’d willingly walk through the circles of hell than walk away from this. So many things he’d rather do than accept that everything he’d thought about himself was a lie - rather do any of it than leave.
And yet here he was - going to do just that.
He stood up, determined to get this over with. Thinking about it some more wasn’t going to help, Horatio understood. Do it like a band-aid.
Taking a step, the redhead started his mantra: I am not a good father, and this must be done.
His hand grabbing the metal door handle, he thought, “I am a bad father, and my son deserves better. He deserves this lie.”
Entering the lab again, his hands now shaking, “You are not is father, and you never will be.”
Heading towards the interrogation room, he said to himself, “Go in there and finish the job. Nothing has changed.”
But the moment Horatio saw the messy-blond teenager, the boy’s body slumped over lazily in his chair, the redhead knew:
Everything had changed. And though he should walk away - do what he would do under any other circumstances, in any other interrogation, Horatio couldn’t. Because… for better or worse…
Everything had changed.
Go to the next Chapter