Bridgits Flame: November: Hide and Seek

[sporty502]

I wrote this as a personal essay for my English class, and I adapted it to fit the topic because I have been so busy with NaNo, the election, and all.  
I hope you guys like it!

I pressed myself down flat into the dirt, not daring to move, not daring to breath. The stars above me shone down traitorously, casting enough light to allow me to be seen by

Comments

Quickie

[lacombe]

This is EXTREMELY quick, but "breath" is a noun and "breathe" is a verb. I'll come back and read this properly when I'm done with the editing chart.

[mullvaney]

Hi, I'm one of your editors this week.

This is a cute story; it flows nicely, and it's really engaging. You have a great story arc, too.

You didn't ask for a grammar check, so I didn't do one, but this story would really benefit from a thorough proofreading. Spelling and grammar check on word are a good start, but there is nothing that can beat a good read through, to catch things like 'there' 'their' and 'they're' errors. A good style manual like Strunk and White's Elements of Style is something every writer should have and use all the time.

Good luck in the second round!

edit 1

[harlotbug3]

[If you have any questions about my [red pen] style or the experience behind it, just ask. It edits tough and goes after grammar, even when I tell it not to. If you want to know why this edit is so late, don’t bother, my excuse is very boring

edit 2

[harlotbug3]

While scouting out a hiding place it is [was?] essential to avoid the late night partiers from the two nearby wedding reception[s] at the vineyard who, putting it lightly[,] were just a little bit “dazed”. We ended up crouching in the trees behind several benches, and a nearby couple thought we had been stalking them, but at the time I could not be bothered with them [give us something more distinct, humorous/atmospheric about this detail, or don’t mention it]. I was preoccupied with winning. After six or seven minutes my knees began to give way, and the constant stooping caused my back to throb [from keeping still for so long=not necessary as you already told us about the stooping], but I had to keep my position, they could walk by at anytime

[davyjonesing]