Bridgits Flame: November: Hide and Seek

[sporty502]

I wrote this as a personal essay for my English class, and I adapted it to fit the topic because I have been so busy with NaNo, the election, and all.  
I hope you guys like it!

I pressed myself down flat into the dirt, not daring to move, not daring to breath. The stars above me shone down traitorously, casting enough light to allow me to be seen by

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edit 1

[harlotbug3]

[If you have any questions about my [red pen] style or the experience behind it, just ask. It edits tough and goes after grammar, even when I tell it not to. If you want to know why this edit is so late, don’t bother, my excuse is very boring.]

I pressed myself [down=direction assumed if we’re talking about dirt] flat into the dirt, not daring to move, not daring to breath. The stars above me shone down traitorously, casting enough light to allow me to be seen by my pursuers[be sure to avoid passive voice if you can].

The past five nights of the trip my cousins and I had either relaxed on the porch enjoying an “open tab” at the porch bar. [[E](even if we couldn’t drink any of the wine that was made their.[there])[,] [w]We drank as many sickly sweet Shirley Temples, ten dollar Strawberry Daiquiris, and eating[ate] as many cherries as humanly possible while discussing everything from The Office to politics, [New sentence here]or better yet, running around the expansive lake, park, and trees that surrounds the vineyard in what is now referred to in my family as “the greatest game of hide and go seek ever played.” [New paragraph here]The rules are unflinchingly ridged and cannot be broken. Other than those few rules the night was a glorified free for all, and what a night it would become![This is a very artificial way to make a reader excited for the rest of the story. Try instead to catch our curiosity with some detail about you, your cousins, or past occurrences during the game.]

The two separate hotel buildings, the east and west sides, had been split up by a vast lake that acted as a reflecting pool, showing the distorted glistening [this is a good thing to describe, but ‘distorted’ has an overall negative tone to it, while ‘glistening’ has a positive one, thus the two don’t flow well together] image of the mountains above.

The lake is bordered by many strategically placed tree[s] that were perfect for hiding in or behind, as long as the many people[-]friendly deer did not wander to[o] close

I had not been too pleased with this outcome, so naturally the aftermath included me using my more colorful vocabulary, some choice four letter words, and one of my sandals accidently being thrown in the lake, which of course later had some consequences, but at the time I was to focused on winning, this was the last game of the trip and I could not go down without a fight! [This sentence is too long, but more specifically it speaks first of the past, then of the proposed future without any transition, smooth or distinct.]