Wonder Of My World (6/?)
Title: Wonder Of My World (6/?)
Authors: cammissbloom & woodsbaile_02
Characters/Pairing: Jared/Jensen, Steve Carlson, Christian Kane
Word Count: 5.474
Disclaimers: We don’t own these people, they own themselves. None of this ever happened and, alas, the couple is not real. None of this was meant as an offence to anyone. We’re just pretending, folks.
Notes: (1) Story and chapters titles and quotes all coming from various Steve Carlson’s songs. (2) Huge thanks to wake_up_older29 for the amazing beta.
Summary: Something’s wrong with Jensen, and he makes a point not to tell Jared what is it. But when Jared finds out anyway, his reaction surprises even Jared himself.
Chapter 1 - Tell You A Tale | Chapter 2 - On The Road | Chapter 3 - Kinda Crazy These Days | Chapter 4 - I Could Never Say… | Chapter 5 - Losing My Mind
banner made by the lovely titheniel
Wonder Of My World
Chapter 6 - What You’re Running From
“Tell me what you’re running from. I know that it’s not me, ‘cause you’re tangled in my thoughts these days.”
(“Come Around More Alabama” - Steve Carlson)
---
They’re backstage as soon as the show’s over, finding Steve still in the process of unhooking his guitar from his shoulders.
“Awesome show, man!” Jensen beams, giving his sweaty, flushed friend a good hug. “The new songs are great.”
Steve pulls away, looks at him and promptly rolls his eyes.
“Shut up, I know you guys heard maybe half of it. Where the hell were ya?”
“Man, I’m sorry we missed some bits, really,” Jared pipes in, looking apologetic. “We had some stuff to deal with…” He trails off, not really sure of where to begin to tell the tale, still not quite believing it himself.
Chris saves them again, easily picking up on their discomfort and taking pity.
“Steve, man, it was for a good cause, believe me,” he smiles.
Steve looks blankly at all of them for a few moments before realization finally dawns.
“Oh. So you guys pulled your heads outta your asses?” he asks hopefully.
Jared laughs a little at that, as he releases the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “Yeah, we did,” he says, flashing a grin at the man and reaching out to wrap one arm around Jensen’s waist.
The older man allows himself to lean into the touch, a little wearily perhaps, because really, he feels like he would sleep for a month if given the chance.
Steve glares a little at the both of them.
“Couldn’t you two wait ‘til later to talk about that?”
Chris immediately breaks into the widest, smuggest grin ever.
“I toooold you so!” he sings songs. “I just knew it!” he cries, laughing harder as Jared and Jensen regard him incredulously.
“Chris, get a grip, man,” Jensen laughs. “I mean, you’re almost more excited than Jared and me.”
On his part, Jared only smiles at Chris’s enthusiasm and looks back at Steve.
“So… are we forgiven?” he asks, giving the man his sweetest smile.
Steve scrunches up his nose slightly into an expression of fake annoyance.
“I’m gonna have to get back to ya on that,” he huffs, and Jensen laughs out loud.
“Come on, knock it off! Nobody actually believes you’re angry.”
Steve glares, shrugs, and then grins. He doesn’t really believe his grumpy act has ever fooled his friends, but he likes to dream.
“Hey, your next gig is in a couple of days from now, right?” Jared says suddenly. “We could come and see all of it this time.”
He had been looking forward to see Steve playing, and although he’s very happy that he ended up skipping a good chunk of it tonight, considering what he got instead, he’s more than willing to make up for it. Plus, watching a show with Jensen currently sounds like heaven to him.
“Awesome idea,” Chris agrees excitedly. “I wouldn’t mind hearing your lousy music again,” he grins, toasting none in particular with his beer bottle, and Jensen half wonders whether the man’s really just happy that he and Jared are finally on the right path or if maybe there’s more to it, like a few drinks.
Steve watches them warily for a moment, probably already half expecting some cruel prank on his next show, if Chris’s gleaming eyes are any warning, and then he levels Jensen with a long stare.
“Will you play one song with me?” he asks, and when Jensen opens his mouth to protest he hurries to add, “You owe me.”
It’s a low blow, but he knows it’s pretty much the only way Jensen will grant his request.
And sure enough, Jensen caves.
“All right,” he sighs, rolling his eyes a little. “One song though. Only one.”
Steve smirks, feeling quite good about his own slyness.
“Deal,” he says, holding up his shot.
“Deal,” Jensen agrees, clinking glasses with him.
Meanwhile, Jared’s mind has short-circuited on him a little, and the only thought that crosses his head right now is, “Oh my God. Jensen. Voice. Singing”. Incoherent thoughts that have his heart increase its rate.
“I can’t believe you’re really gong to sing on a stage,” he says, voice close to sheer awe, eyes glinting with the mere idea of it. “Fuck, Jen…” he murmurs quietly. “Brilliant idea, dude. Seriously,” he finishes, looking back at Steve, smiling widely at him.
The musician just rolls his eyes.
“Find a bathroom and make out before Jared embarrasses me by having a public orgasm.”
Jensen promptly goes scarlet, and even Jared blushes at that.
“Dude… I’ll never compliment you again,” he mumbles, practically pouting like a 5-year-old.
Chris is having a great time though, seeing both Jared and Jensen flush red like that. He feels rather giddy, and he idly wonders what he’s going to do when it happens to him, if seeing two friends get together gets him into such a state. He will probably jump to the moon, he decides after a few seconds of hard pondering.
“Awww,” he says now, focusing back on said friends, placing both hands over his heart. “They even blush together! And they look cute while doing it!” he laughs.
“Shut up, jackass,” Jared says. His voice doesn’t carry much intensity, but the look he throws at Chris clearly says that he should start going easier.
“Alright. Backing off,” the older man thinks, giving Jared a small nod.
“I need a drink,” Jensen grumbles suddenly, excusing himself and pushing past the crowd and to the bar.
He throws a mock glare at Chris on his way there, enough to make his friend understand that yes, he should back off alright, but he’s not really angry. He can never stay angry when it comes to Chris anyway.
Jared moves on instinct, already on its way to go and try to figure out what’s up with Jensen now, but Chris is quicker, grabbing his wrist in a restraining hold.
“Let me talk to him, man. I’m the one who’s pushed too much, I should be the one apologizing.”
Jared gives him a nod, and Chris is off and after Jensen in a heartbeat. It doesn’t take much to find him at the counter, asking for a beer.
“Hey man, I’m sorry,” he says as he walks up to him. “I know I was pushing my luck back there.”
Jensen takes the bottle and turns around to smile at the older man.
“Nah. ‘s okay,” he says dismissively, taking a swig. “I’m just tired, that’s all.”
Chris frowns a little, staring hard at him.
“I thought I’d find you bouncing on your toes if you ever ended up with the big one over there one day,” he nods to Jared’s direction with a small grin. “Why can’t I see any real… excitement, man?” he asks quietly. “Isn’t this what you wanted?”
Most of the time, Jensen is damn grateful that he has a friend such as Chris. But there are times, like this one, when he almost hates the man for knowing him so well.
“I am bouncing,” he smirks. “Only, I’m doing it on the inside.” When Chris’s scrutiny doesn’t relent at his attempt at a joke, he gives a small shrug. “I told you, I’m tired.”
“I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you before,” Chris begins, “but you’re awful at even just trying to lie. Still, I know you really must be feeling quite tired, so I’ll leave that alone.” He decides to back off a little. “But tomorrow we will talk, man, whether you want it or not,” he warns, his eyes sharpening as they bore holes through Jensen, letting him know he’s not letting him get away that easily, leaving no room for argument whatsoever.
Jensen fakes a suffering sigh.
“Man, what have I done to deserve having to put up with you?” he moans, but there’s a hint of true affection echoing in his voice.
“I love you too, Jen,” Chris laughs, playfully sending a kiss at him.
Jensen just rolls his eyes, faking annoyance, but truth is, he currently feels like the luckiest son of a bitch in the world.
+++
Jared can’t recall the last time he’s felt so nervous as he walks up the hallway, Jensen right behind him, a quiet presence that he’s come to feel more intensely than anyone else’s.
He opens the door to his hotel room and makes a beeline for the bed, sitting down beside Jensen’s new guitar, trying to figure out what he should do or say next.
On his part, Jensen doesn’t seem to be particularly tense about anything as he flops down into an armchair and scrubs his hands tiredly over his face.
“Man, I’m beat,” he laments.
He looks up at Jared, wondering about the very uncharacteristic silence, and smiles softly at the nervous lines etched in the younger man’s features.
He gets up and walks to him, bending low to kiss his lips gently.
Jared’s glad that Jensen has done something, instead of waiting for him to make a move. Every event is finally settling into his mind, and he now finds himself quite unsure of how to deal with it all.
Having Jensen close to him and taking the lead is probably the only reassurance that could ever work at the moment, and he returns the kiss, cupping Jensen’s face with both his hands.
When Jensen pulls away, it’s to give him a long stare that has Jared almost squirming at its intensity.
“You’re scared.”
It’s not a question, because Jensen can see exactly how nervous Jared is.
“Busted”, Jared thinks as he returns the stare with a sigh.
“Yeah,” he admits quietly. “Yeah, I am. I just… I don’t know how to deal with all of this, exactly.”
Jensen reaches out to stroke Jared’s cheek with a thumb, glad to have the right words for once.
“It’s okay. We’re together in this, all right? We take it slow, Jay, I promise.”
Jared closes his eyes and lets himself just feel the caress, relishing into the beautiful and yet somewhat scary knowledge that Jensen’s touch is now for him and him alone.
“Together,” he whispers. “Okay.”
Jensen sits on the bed next to Jared and reaches out to take him in his arms. He knows he should be the one offering comfort right now, but before he can work on it further, his lids are drooping, the movement of his fingers as they thread through Jared’s hair growing slower by the minute.
Jared’s hand is caressing Jensen’s side lightly when he feels the man starting to lean more and more heavily against him, until Jensen’s head has dropped low to rest over his shoulder.
“He must be really tired,” he thinks with a smile, as he gently moves around to take the guitar off the bed and then proceeds to lay down without jolting Jensen or waking him up completely.
“Hmm…” Jensen mumbles, already half asleep, and he burrows closer to Jared as he follows the younger man’s movements until he’s pressed up against his side.
He hasn’t been sleeping much since trying to deal with the steady, exhausting growing of feelings, and now he feels as worn out as he can remember.
Jared finally finds himself completely sprawled over the bed, a sleepy Jensen in his arms.
“God… This feels so good… Why couldn’t I see it before?”
He plants a gentle kiss on the top of Jensen’s head.
“Good night, Jen,” he whispers softly, holding him a little tighter.
Jensen’s not really sure of what it is that Jared has just said, as he’s already drifting away, but he registers the soft tone, and he replies on instinct.
“Love you,” he manages to mumble before sleep finally claims him and snatches him away.
Jared stays speechless for a few moments, but soon he’s responding with what he’s coming to realize are the only apt words for when it comes to Jensen.
“I love you, too.”
And it doesn’t matter that Jensen is probably already sleeping by now, Jared knows he can hear him anyway.
+++
When Jensen’s eyelids flutter open again, not before the next morning comes, Jared’s not there, and he’s hit with the sudden, terrifying thought that he has dreamt everything.
That is, until he hears the water running in the bathroom and realizes that the spot on the bed where Jared has been all night is still warm. Not to mention, he considers as he takes a roaming glance around, that this is Jared’s room.
He rolls over, stretches lazily, and sits up on the bed, looking for the guitar with eyes still clouded by sleep. He spots it laying against the nightstand, and he reaches out to close his hand carefully around its neck and bring it on the bed with him. He runs his hands over it in awe for a few moments, still not quite believing that Jared has given him such a gift, then he starts tuning it.
Once that’s accomplished, his fingers pluck at the strings testily for a while, playing random notes that soon are blending into chords that he knows, and his voice is joining in and singing along, the words flowing out of his lips, smooth and heartfelt and scratchy with sleep and remains of dreams.
One closed door away, Jared is turning the shower off when he hears something. He strains to pay closer attention, and soon he can also hear Jensen’s voice, singing along with a melody he must be playing on his new guitar.
He walks quietly up to the door, leans his ear against it and doesn’t move. He knows Jensen will probably stop singing if he was to come out, so he just stays where he is and listens. Quietly, as quietly as he can.
Soon the lyrics start to sink in, and he’s feeling quite dizzy. But he keeps on listening, even more silently now, because he knows Jensen is singing about it.
“You came to me and I started to feel that my senses had left me to die. Where is my strength when I need it the most? Tell me what have you done with my mind?”
Jensen goes through every chord with a thumping heart, feeling them crawl under his skin. He tries not to feel as he sings, but songs are made out of and for feelings, and so it’s with his stomach tied up in knots that he finally reaches the final verse.
“Nothing could me more electric to me than to give you a taste of the love that I hide. But in my condition I’m totally lost. Tell me what have you done with my pride?”
Jensen has felt it over the past few months, his pride slipping away, and it has made him mad like few other things ever could. Because Jared leaves him defenseless, and Jensen both loves it and hates it.
Behind the closed door, Jared can hear the emotion in Jensen’s voice as clearly as if it was his own, and he doesn’t know if he can take much more of this. The music is beautiful, and Jensen singing makes it even more so, but it’s also raw and painful to hear.
“I can’t believe I make him feel like that…”
The thought keeps on bouncing around in Jared’s incredulous mind, and that’s when he decides that he’s had enough of hiding and turns the knob to finally step outside the bathroom.
He watches as Jensen strums out the final chords and looks up, clearly shocked to find him standing there. The older man gives this deer-caught-in-the-highlights expression for a split second before mustering up a somewhat embarrassed smile.
“Morning, Jay.”
Jared smiles readily back.
“Morning,” he whispers. “I’m sorry,” he says louder as he walks up to Jensen and sits on the bed beside him. “I couldn’t help but hear it. The song that you were singing, I mean.”
Jensen leans in to give him a swift kiss.
“What are you sorry for?” he asks as he pulls back. “It was just a song.”
“Well…” Jared begins, eyes still closed from the kiss, licking his lips so that his tongue can find the lingering taste of Jensen. “I just thought it was none of my business to hear you like that.” He opens his eyes again to stare at the older man. “At least not without you knowing I was listening… If… if you know what I mean,” he stammers. “It was beautiful though,” he adds with a smile.
Jensen’s stomach drops so low that it feels like there’s some kind of huge stone deep down in the pit of it. He knows just how raw his voice must heave sounded, and Jared definitely wasn’t supposed to hear him like that.
“Thanks,” he says hoarsely, not making eye contact as he stands up to put the guitar back in its case, idly wondering just what the hell possessed him to play that one song.
Jared is off the bed and next to Jensen in a heartbeat, easily picking up on the sudden change of mood.
“Hey.” He reaches out to put a hand on Jensen’s shoulder and turns him gently around, his other hand going to cup Jensen’s cheek. “I won’t sneak up on you singing anymore, okay? I just…” He heaves a small sigh. “I just couldn’t help myself. Your voice is amazing, Jen, and I wanted to listen to it.” He gives the older man an apologetic look, which prompts Jensen to sigh.
“I’m not mad, Jay,” he reassures. “Not at you.”
“At what, then?” Jared frowns. “Or at who?”
“Me,” Jensen admits quietly. “I hate this. Being so vulnerable. I’m not used to it, Jared.”
Jared is wrapping his arms around him almost before the words are completely out of Jensen’s mouth.
“I understand,” he murmurs into Jensen’s ear, and he really does. “I’d be lying if I said I’m not feeling vulnerable myself.” He laughs a bit, soft and without much feeling inn it. “My world got totally turned upside down after I realized what was going on.” He gently disentangles them both from the embrace, looking deep into Jensen’s eyes once they’ve pulled apart. “But I’m willing to try.”
It’s lame, but Jared hopes it will bring some comfort to Jensen anyway, because he doesn’t really know what else to say. He just wants to take that sad, almost lost look off the older man’s face.
It works though, and Jensen reaches up to cup Jared’s neck and tug him closer for another kiss. He’s vaguely aware of his phone ringing, but he figures Chris and his ‘what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-you’ speech can wait a bit longer.
Jared couldn’t care less about the shrill sound, either. Not when Jensen seems to be quite fine again, if the way his lips and tongue are moving right now is any indication of it. He returns the kiss with everything he has, conveying into that touch everything he’s not able to put into words, trying to show Jensen exactly how much he’s willing to try.
+++
Chris dials Jensen’s number and pushes the button for what feels like the fiftieth time in the space of five minutes.
“If that fucker doesn’t pick up I’m gonna fuckin’ kill him,” he thinks in annoyance.
Nothing comes from the other line except for an empty dial tone followed eventually by Jensen’s voice mail.
“Well, that means he’s either doing great or feeling miserable,” he mutters, snapping his phone closed with a sigh. “I really hope it’s the first one.”
The text message comes in a few minutes later, short, to the point, and detached in a way Jensen never is.
“’m okay. Talk to you later.”
Chris glares ominously at the display, and Steve walks into the room to find him possibly seething at it.
“Do I need whiskey before you tell me about whatever it is that’s got you to look like you’re sucking on a lemon?” he enquires curiously.
“Jensen.”
Chris’s reply is as curt as the text.
Steve’s brow furrows almost on reflex, uneasiness creeping up to him as he goes to sit on the couch.
“Care to elaborate?” he ventures, not sure whether he’s going to like whatever it is that’s to come.
“I wish I could elaborate,” Chris sighs in exasperation. “Something was off during your show last night. I mean, Jen should’ve been jumping to the roof at the knowledge that he’s got Jared now, but he wasn’t. And I don’t know why. I just can’t explain it,” he informs. “I told him I’d call him today, and that he’d just have to tell me what the hell’s going on, but he’s not answering the damn thing. And now,” he holds out his cell phone for Steve to see, “he sent me a text. Take a look at it yourself.”
Steve’s eyebrows shoot up instantly as soon as he reads the words.
“Wow. Kinda… uh… not Jensen?”
“Exactly,” Chris says in frustration. “Now tell me, what the fuck should I do?”
Steve stares thoughtfully down at the by now dark display for a few moments before looking up with a resolute glint in his eyes that usually has his friends go instantly wary around him.
“You let me do the talking, that’s what you should do.”
Predictably, Chris’s eyes narrow as he studies his friend’s features.
“What are you going to do, Steve?”
Steve manages to look affronted.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean? You don’t trust me?”
Chris exhales slowly and rubs at his eyes.
“Sorry, man,” he offers quietly. “Of course I trust you. I’m just worried, ‘s all. You know how I get when Jen is concerned, yeah?” he adds with a small grin.
Steve scoffs.
“Yeah, I know. You turn into this huge mother hen.”
Chris glares at him, although admittedly he doesn’t put much heat in it.
“I wouldn’t put it that way, but… yeah, whatever.” He shrugs, eyes and voice softening. “He’s a nice guy, man. I just hate for him to get hurt in any way.”
“I know he’s a nice guy,” Steve says with a somewhat amused grin. “Or do I need to remind you that I’m the one who introduced the two of you in the first place?”
“Nah, no need for a reminder,” Chris laughs. “I’m glad you did, though. I really am. Guess we just have to wait, uh?” he adds with a sigh. “For him to call or something.”
Steve looks at him as if he’s just not smart enough to be worth wasting time with. He gets up and straightens his shirt with an exaggerate gesture.
“I’m going to that damn hotel. Right now.”
Chris’s head snaps up at that.
“You want company?” he asks after he manages to overcome his surprise. “Jared’s a big guy. if he’s fucked it up already you’re gonna need some help in kicking his ass,” he grins.
Steve throws him an amused look, the glitter in his blue eyes growing sharper.
“Nah. I can manage.”
And with that, he’s out of the door before the other man can say another word.
Chris sighs again and flops back against the cushions, not really knowing whether he should feel relieved that Steve is taking matters in his own hands or be all the more worried.
+++
When Steve gets there, Jensen is strumming out chords as if it’s raining, and he can picture him easily, fingers moving over the chords at a breakneck speed, head thrown back, eyes closed, enjoying the moment to the fullest.
Steve knows that it makes his friend feel free, playing like this, just one note after the other. He knows it can make him feel like nothing else matters, and he knows just how in those moments, nothing else exists. He has moments like this often enough with his own guitar to know.
“Damn, the guy’s good,” he thinks as he takes a few moments to listen in to Jensen’s solo.
Eventually though, he shakes himself out of it and knocks. He waits patiently, and when nothing happens he knocks again. It looks like Jensen isn’t in the mood for visitors though, because again, Steve receives no answer.
“Sorry, man, I’m not giving up that easily.”
He knocks one more time, stronger, louder.
“Jensen?” he calls out. “Open the door, man!”
Inside the room, Jensen jumps and falls back into reality with a figurative thud. Sighing in frustration over the loss of his own private bliss, he puts the guitar aside with reverential care and gets up to comply to the intruding request.
“You of all people should know better than to disturb a musician when they’re in their personal heaven,” he says with a grin once he’s face to face with his friend.
“I know, man,” Steve smirks back, not waiting for any invitation as he bluntly steps into the room. “But you asked for it. I was actually nice enough not to bring Chris with me. I’d say I did you a favor.”
Jensen frowns a little at the edge in Steve’s eyes and voice as he mentions Chris.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“What am I talking about?!” Steve cries in disbelief, laughing humourlessly at Jensen’s obliviousness. “There’s one hell of a worried man in my hotel room right now. The same man who called you a hundred times today, getting nothing but your voicemail.” Jensen is about to say something, but Steve doesn’t give him the chance. He knows he’s probably stressing things out a bit, but he doesn’t care. Chris is worried, and for some reason Jensen doesn’t appear to care. Things like this have the power to grate on Steve Carlson’s nerves quite easily. “The same man who got a text message from you that instead of trying to ease his worry has made it worse. That’s what I’m talking about, Jensen.”
The words cut deep, and Jensen’s left frozen in the middle of the room, staring dumbfounded at Steve. He doesn’t really know how long it is before he manages to snap out of it and looks down at the floor.
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “I’m so fucking sorry,” he adds in his mind. “I’m being such an ass. Jay, what are you doing to me?”
He’s never acted like this before, has never shut Chris or Steve out like this, and he wonders just why is he doing it now. Plus, he figures that if he is to shut his friends out, he should at least provide a decent mask so that they don’t freak out on him, but he finds himself unable to do even that.
Steve walks up to him and puts a hand on his shoulder.
“Hey, it’s okay,” he says quietly. “Just tell me what’s going on, so we don’t need to worry too much. Or so we start worrying more,” he adds with a small grin.
Jensen gives him a weak smile of his own.
“I don’t know what’s going on,” he finally admits quietly. He can never help it, when it comes to Steve. The older man just has this way that makes Jensen tell him everything in the end, whether he wants to or not.
Steve sighs dramatically.
“Alright, here we go…” He gives a brief laugh. “Why don’t you start from the beginning?” he says, sitting on the bed and dragging Jensen with him, tugging at his arm. “Just tell me how you’re feeling.”
Jensen cocks up an eyebrow, giving his friend an amused look.
“You’re about to go Dr. Phil on me, aren’t you?” When Steve just stares at him, he sighs and tries to explain. “I just… I don’t know what the fuck’s wrong with me,” he says, looking down at his hands, clasped in his lap. “I mean, I should be bouncing around, shouldn’t I? Instead I just feel… scared.”
“Scared,” Steve repeats slowly, tasting the word in his mouth, as if he’s trying to figure out why would Jensen be feeling that way. “Alright, care to expand on that?”
“It’s like… I can’t…” Jensen shakes his head, his throat closing up on him. He can’t say it. He just can’t spit it out.
Steve stares at his friend and feels a sharp tug at his guts as he realizes just how much he’s struggling to let the words out.
“Hey,” he calls softly. “C’mon, man. Just say it. It’s just me here.”
“Jared said he’s scared, too,” Jensen finally begins. “He said he doesn’t know how to deal with this. I told him it’s okay. I told him we’re in this together. But truth is…” he hesitates. “I don’t quite know how to deal with it, either.”
“Oh,” Steve says, unsure on how to approach this. “But he is with you, right?”
Jensen’s first instinct is to cry out something along the lines of, “Sure!”, but it suddenly strikes him that he’s not so sure at all. Because there’s still Sandy, and Jensen can’t believe that he has managed to forget about her and that Jared hasn’t mentioned her once.
“I… I think so,” he replies lamely.
“You think so?” Steve repeats, feeling anger starting to stir a little towards Jared. He pushes it back down, mostly because he thinks it’s quite an irrational feeling considering how he doesn’t have a clue on what’s going on with either of these two to begin with, and settles for a quiet, “Alright, what’s that supposed to mean?”
“There’s still Sandy,” Jensen points out, eyes still carefully downcast, purposely avoiding Steve’s piercing gaze.
“Here we go. The word we love to hate is back,” Steve thinks in annoyance.
“Okay,” he begins carefully, trying to bring light onto a quite blurred situation, running a hand through his long hair. “Has Jared said anything about her? Like what he’s going to do? Or more importantly, when is he going to break up with her?”
Jensen shakes his head.
“No. It’s gotta be tough on him. Maybe…” ”Maybe he’s not going to break up with her at all.”
Steve doesn’t even need to hear it all to know what his friend’s thinking.
“Hey, stop right there,” he says sternly. “Don’t you even start thinking that he’d fool around with you like that. Hell, I don’t know Jared that well, but I know enough to be absolutely sure that he wouldn’t do this kind of bullshit with you. He may be confused, or scared, or whatever, but I’m sure he’s gonna make the right decision. You’ll see.”
Fact is, Steve doesn’t know that. He has no way of knowing that. But he had to say it, if only to ease some of Jensen’s anguish.
“I know he wouldn’t fuck with me,” Jensen argues. “But… You can’t control your heart, can you? I mean, you’re the one who told me that once.”
“Yeah,” Steve sighs, sincerely hating his own advices for the first time. “Yeah, you can’t.” He gets up and starts pacing around like some sort of over-anxious tiger. “Alright. This whole thing must be new to him, right? Maybe that’s why he’s feeling like that.” “Duh,” his mind scoffs derisively. “Very smart, Carlson. As if he hadn’t got that on his own already.” He stops suddenly and looks back at Jensen. “You want him, right? Like, really want him?”
“Yeah,” is all Jensen says, because seriously, his voice is deserting him.
“Then don’t let him go, man,” Steve urges. “I know you love him, and that you want him to be happy, whether it’s with you or Sandy or anyone else.” He walks back to his friend and crouches down in front of him, so that he can make eye contact again. “But you gotta hold on tight and don’t let him slip away. Try to help him through all this, but show him that he’s gonna have heaven and more with you, you know?” he finishes with a smile. “Or… um… whatever. Hell, you get what I’m trying to say, yeah?”
Jensen laughs a bit.
“Yeah, I get it.” He scrubs his hands over his face. “Thanks, man.”
He nods ever so slightly to himself and stands up, squaring his shoulders almost imperceptibly. “You know what?” he says, green eyes glittering with determination. “I’m going to claim him. Right now.”
Steve grins widely, giving his friend’s shoulder a strong slap.
“That’s the Jensen I know! Go get your man!” he laughs.
Before the laughter has even completely left his throat though, he finds himself rewarded with one of those blinding smiles that he supposes Jared must have fallen in love with, Jensen staring hard at him.
“Thanks,” the younger man says sincerely, and Steve’s grin softens.
“Anytime, man.”
He knows just how scary throwing yourself into a relationship can be. He just hopes both Jared and Jensen are strong enough to overcome that fear.
TBC...
Authors: cammissbloom & woodsbaile_02
Characters/Pairing: Jared/Jensen, Steve Carlson, Christian Kane
Word Count: 5.474
Disclaimers: We don’t own these people, they own themselves. None of this ever happened and, alas, the couple is not real. None of this was meant as an offence to anyone. We’re just pretending, folks.
Notes: (1) Story and chapters titles and quotes all coming from various Steve Carlson’s songs. (2) Huge thanks to wake_up_older29 for the amazing beta.
Summary: Something’s wrong with Jensen, and he makes a point not to tell Jared what is it. But when Jared finds out anyway, his reaction surprises even Jared himself.
Chapter 1 - Tell You A Tale | Chapter 2 - On The Road | Chapter 3 - Kinda Crazy These Days | Chapter 4 - I Could Never Say… | Chapter 5 - Losing My Mind
banner made by the lovely titheniel
Wonder Of My World
Chapter 6 - What You’re Running From
“Tell me what you’re running from. I know that it’s not me, ‘cause you’re tangled in my thoughts these days.”
(“Come Around More Alabama” - Steve Carlson)
---
They’re backstage as soon as the show’s over, finding Steve still in the process of unhooking his guitar from his shoulders.
“Awesome show, man!” Jensen beams, giving his sweaty, flushed friend a good hug. “The new songs are great.”
Steve pulls away, looks at him and promptly rolls his eyes.
“Shut up, I know you guys heard maybe half of it. Where the hell were ya?”
“Man, I’m sorry we missed some bits, really,” Jared pipes in, looking apologetic. “We had some stuff to deal with…” He trails off, not really sure of where to begin to tell the tale, still not quite believing it himself.
Chris saves them again, easily picking up on their discomfort and taking pity.
“Steve, man, it was for a good cause, believe me,” he smiles.
Steve looks blankly at all of them for a few moments before realization finally dawns.
“Oh. So you guys pulled your heads outta your asses?” he asks hopefully.
Jared laughs a little at that, as he releases the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “Yeah, we did,” he says, flashing a grin at the man and reaching out to wrap one arm around Jensen’s waist.
The older man allows himself to lean into the touch, a little wearily perhaps, because really, he feels like he would sleep for a month if given the chance.
Steve glares a little at the both of them.
“Couldn’t you two wait ‘til later to talk about that?”
Chris immediately breaks into the widest, smuggest grin ever.
“I toooold you so!” he sings songs. “I just knew it!” he cries, laughing harder as Jared and Jensen regard him incredulously.
“Chris, get a grip, man,” Jensen laughs. “I mean, you’re almost more excited than Jared and me.”
On his part, Jared only smiles at Chris’s enthusiasm and looks back at Steve.
“So… are we forgiven?” he asks, giving the man his sweetest smile.
Steve scrunches up his nose slightly into an expression of fake annoyance.
“I’m gonna have to get back to ya on that,” he huffs, and Jensen laughs out loud.
“Come on, knock it off! Nobody actually believes you’re angry.”
Steve glares, shrugs, and then grins. He doesn’t really believe his grumpy act has ever fooled his friends, but he likes to dream.
“Hey, your next gig is in a couple of days from now, right?” Jared says suddenly. “We could come and see all of it this time.”
He had been looking forward to see Steve playing, and although he’s very happy that he ended up skipping a good chunk of it tonight, considering what he got instead, he’s more than willing to make up for it. Plus, watching a show with Jensen currently sounds like heaven to him.
“Awesome idea,” Chris agrees excitedly. “I wouldn’t mind hearing your lousy music again,” he grins, toasting none in particular with his beer bottle, and Jensen half wonders whether the man’s really just happy that he and Jared are finally on the right path or if maybe there’s more to it, like a few drinks.
Steve watches them warily for a moment, probably already half expecting some cruel prank on his next show, if Chris’s gleaming eyes are any warning, and then he levels Jensen with a long stare.
“Will you play one song with me?” he asks, and when Jensen opens his mouth to protest he hurries to add, “You owe me.”
It’s a low blow, but he knows it’s pretty much the only way Jensen will grant his request.
And sure enough, Jensen caves.
“All right,” he sighs, rolling his eyes a little. “One song though. Only one.”
Steve smirks, feeling quite good about his own slyness.
“Deal,” he says, holding up his shot.
“Deal,” Jensen agrees, clinking glasses with him.
Meanwhile, Jared’s mind has short-circuited on him a little, and the only thought that crosses his head right now is, “Oh my God. Jensen. Voice. Singing”. Incoherent thoughts that have his heart increase its rate.
“I can’t believe you’re really gong to sing on a stage,” he says, voice close to sheer awe, eyes glinting with the mere idea of it. “Fuck, Jen…” he murmurs quietly. “Brilliant idea, dude. Seriously,” he finishes, looking back at Steve, smiling widely at him.
The musician just rolls his eyes.
“Find a bathroom and make out before Jared embarrasses me by having a public orgasm.”
Jensen promptly goes scarlet, and even Jared blushes at that.
“Dude… I’ll never compliment you again,” he mumbles, practically pouting like a 5-year-old.
Chris is having a great time though, seeing both Jared and Jensen flush red like that. He feels rather giddy, and he idly wonders what he’s going to do when it happens to him, if seeing two friends get together gets him into such a state. He will probably jump to the moon, he decides after a few seconds of hard pondering.
“Awww,” he says now, focusing back on said friends, placing both hands over his heart. “They even blush together! And they look cute while doing it!” he laughs.
“Shut up, jackass,” Jared says. His voice doesn’t carry much intensity, but the look he throws at Chris clearly says that he should start going easier.
“Alright. Backing off,” the older man thinks, giving Jared a small nod.
“I need a drink,” Jensen grumbles suddenly, excusing himself and pushing past the crowd and to the bar.
He throws a mock glare at Chris on his way there, enough to make his friend understand that yes, he should back off alright, but he’s not really angry. He can never stay angry when it comes to Chris anyway.
Jared moves on instinct, already on its way to go and try to figure out what’s up with Jensen now, but Chris is quicker, grabbing his wrist in a restraining hold.
“Let me talk to him, man. I’m the one who’s pushed too much, I should be the one apologizing.”
Jared gives him a nod, and Chris is off and after Jensen in a heartbeat. It doesn’t take much to find him at the counter, asking for a beer.
“Hey man, I’m sorry,” he says as he walks up to him. “I know I was pushing my luck back there.”
Jensen takes the bottle and turns around to smile at the older man.
“Nah. ‘s okay,” he says dismissively, taking a swig. “I’m just tired, that’s all.”
Chris frowns a little, staring hard at him.
“I thought I’d find you bouncing on your toes if you ever ended up with the big one over there one day,” he nods to Jared’s direction with a small grin. “Why can’t I see any real… excitement, man?” he asks quietly. “Isn’t this what you wanted?”
Most of the time, Jensen is damn grateful that he has a friend such as Chris. But there are times, like this one, when he almost hates the man for knowing him so well.
“I am bouncing,” he smirks. “Only, I’m doing it on the inside.” When Chris’s scrutiny doesn’t relent at his attempt at a joke, he gives a small shrug. “I told you, I’m tired.”
“I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you before,” Chris begins, “but you’re awful at even just trying to lie. Still, I know you really must be feeling quite tired, so I’ll leave that alone.” He decides to back off a little. “But tomorrow we will talk, man, whether you want it or not,” he warns, his eyes sharpening as they bore holes through Jensen, letting him know he’s not letting him get away that easily, leaving no room for argument whatsoever.
Jensen fakes a suffering sigh.
“Man, what have I done to deserve having to put up with you?” he moans, but there’s a hint of true affection echoing in his voice.
“I love you too, Jen,” Chris laughs, playfully sending a kiss at him.
Jensen just rolls his eyes, faking annoyance, but truth is, he currently feels like the luckiest son of a bitch in the world.
+++
Jared can’t recall the last time he’s felt so nervous as he walks up the hallway, Jensen right behind him, a quiet presence that he’s come to feel more intensely than anyone else’s.
He opens the door to his hotel room and makes a beeline for the bed, sitting down beside Jensen’s new guitar, trying to figure out what he should do or say next.
On his part, Jensen doesn’t seem to be particularly tense about anything as he flops down into an armchair and scrubs his hands tiredly over his face.
“Man, I’m beat,” he laments.
He looks up at Jared, wondering about the very uncharacteristic silence, and smiles softly at the nervous lines etched in the younger man’s features.
He gets up and walks to him, bending low to kiss his lips gently.
Jared’s glad that Jensen has done something, instead of waiting for him to make a move. Every event is finally settling into his mind, and he now finds himself quite unsure of how to deal with it all.
Having Jensen close to him and taking the lead is probably the only reassurance that could ever work at the moment, and he returns the kiss, cupping Jensen’s face with both his hands.
When Jensen pulls away, it’s to give him a long stare that has Jared almost squirming at its intensity.
“You’re scared.”
It’s not a question, because Jensen can see exactly how nervous Jared is.
“Busted”, Jared thinks as he returns the stare with a sigh.
“Yeah,” he admits quietly. “Yeah, I am. I just… I don’t know how to deal with all of this, exactly.”
Jensen reaches out to stroke Jared’s cheek with a thumb, glad to have the right words for once.
“It’s okay. We’re together in this, all right? We take it slow, Jay, I promise.”
Jared closes his eyes and lets himself just feel the caress, relishing into the beautiful and yet somewhat scary knowledge that Jensen’s touch is now for him and him alone.
“Together,” he whispers. “Okay.”
Jensen sits on the bed next to Jared and reaches out to take him in his arms. He knows he should be the one offering comfort right now, but before he can work on it further, his lids are drooping, the movement of his fingers as they thread through Jared’s hair growing slower by the minute.
Jared’s hand is caressing Jensen’s side lightly when he feels the man starting to lean more and more heavily against him, until Jensen’s head has dropped low to rest over his shoulder.
“He must be really tired,” he thinks with a smile, as he gently moves around to take the guitar off the bed and then proceeds to lay down without jolting Jensen or waking him up completely.
“Hmm…” Jensen mumbles, already half asleep, and he burrows closer to Jared as he follows the younger man’s movements until he’s pressed up against his side.
He hasn’t been sleeping much since trying to deal with the steady, exhausting growing of feelings, and now he feels as worn out as he can remember.
Jared finally finds himself completely sprawled over the bed, a sleepy Jensen in his arms.
“God… This feels so good… Why couldn’t I see it before?”
He plants a gentle kiss on the top of Jensen’s head.
“Good night, Jen,” he whispers softly, holding him a little tighter.
Jensen’s not really sure of what it is that Jared has just said, as he’s already drifting away, but he registers the soft tone, and he replies on instinct.
“Love you,” he manages to mumble before sleep finally claims him and snatches him away.
Jared stays speechless for a few moments, but soon he’s responding with what he’s coming to realize are the only apt words for when it comes to Jensen.
“I love you, too.”
And it doesn’t matter that Jensen is probably already sleeping by now, Jared knows he can hear him anyway.
+++
When Jensen’s eyelids flutter open again, not before the next morning comes, Jared’s not there, and he’s hit with the sudden, terrifying thought that he has dreamt everything.
That is, until he hears the water running in the bathroom and realizes that the spot on the bed where Jared has been all night is still warm. Not to mention, he considers as he takes a roaming glance around, that this is Jared’s room.
He rolls over, stretches lazily, and sits up on the bed, looking for the guitar with eyes still clouded by sleep. He spots it laying against the nightstand, and he reaches out to close his hand carefully around its neck and bring it on the bed with him. He runs his hands over it in awe for a few moments, still not quite believing that Jared has given him such a gift, then he starts tuning it.
Once that’s accomplished, his fingers pluck at the strings testily for a while, playing random notes that soon are blending into chords that he knows, and his voice is joining in and singing along, the words flowing out of his lips, smooth and heartfelt and scratchy with sleep and remains of dreams.
One closed door away, Jared is turning the shower off when he hears something. He strains to pay closer attention, and soon he can also hear Jensen’s voice, singing along with a melody he must be playing on his new guitar.
He walks quietly up to the door, leans his ear against it and doesn’t move. He knows Jensen will probably stop singing if he was to come out, so he just stays where he is and listens. Quietly, as quietly as he can.
Soon the lyrics start to sink in, and he’s feeling quite dizzy. But he keeps on listening, even more silently now, because he knows Jensen is singing about it.
“You came to me and I started to feel that my senses had left me to die. Where is my strength when I need it the most? Tell me what have you done with my mind?”
Jensen goes through every chord with a thumping heart, feeling them crawl under his skin. He tries not to feel as he sings, but songs are made out of and for feelings, and so it’s with his stomach tied up in knots that he finally reaches the final verse.
“Nothing could me more electric to me than to give you a taste of the love that I hide. But in my condition I’m totally lost. Tell me what have you done with my pride?”
Jensen has felt it over the past few months, his pride slipping away, and it has made him mad like few other things ever could. Because Jared leaves him defenseless, and Jensen both loves it and hates it.
Behind the closed door, Jared can hear the emotion in Jensen’s voice as clearly as if it was his own, and he doesn’t know if he can take much more of this. The music is beautiful, and Jensen singing makes it even more so, but it’s also raw and painful to hear.
“I can’t believe I make him feel like that…”
The thought keeps on bouncing around in Jared’s incredulous mind, and that’s when he decides that he’s had enough of hiding and turns the knob to finally step outside the bathroom.
He watches as Jensen strums out the final chords and looks up, clearly shocked to find him standing there. The older man gives this deer-caught-in-the-highlights expression for a split second before mustering up a somewhat embarrassed smile.
“Morning, Jay.”
Jared smiles readily back.
“Morning,” he whispers. “I’m sorry,” he says louder as he walks up to Jensen and sits on the bed beside him. “I couldn’t help but hear it. The song that you were singing, I mean.”
Jensen leans in to give him a swift kiss.
“What are you sorry for?” he asks as he pulls back. “It was just a song.”
“Well…” Jared begins, eyes still closed from the kiss, licking his lips so that his tongue can find the lingering taste of Jensen. “I just thought it was none of my business to hear you like that.” He opens his eyes again to stare at the older man. “At least not without you knowing I was listening… If… if you know what I mean,” he stammers. “It was beautiful though,” he adds with a smile.
Jensen’s stomach drops so low that it feels like there’s some kind of huge stone deep down in the pit of it. He knows just how raw his voice must heave sounded, and Jared definitely wasn’t supposed to hear him like that.
“Thanks,” he says hoarsely, not making eye contact as he stands up to put the guitar back in its case, idly wondering just what the hell possessed him to play that one song.
Jared is off the bed and next to Jensen in a heartbeat, easily picking up on the sudden change of mood.
“Hey.” He reaches out to put a hand on Jensen’s shoulder and turns him gently around, his other hand going to cup Jensen’s cheek. “I won’t sneak up on you singing anymore, okay? I just…” He heaves a small sigh. “I just couldn’t help myself. Your voice is amazing, Jen, and I wanted to listen to it.” He gives the older man an apologetic look, which prompts Jensen to sigh.
“I’m not mad, Jay,” he reassures. “Not at you.”
“At what, then?” Jared frowns. “Or at who?”
“Me,” Jensen admits quietly. “I hate this. Being so vulnerable. I’m not used to it, Jared.”
Jared is wrapping his arms around him almost before the words are completely out of Jensen’s mouth.
“I understand,” he murmurs into Jensen’s ear, and he really does. “I’d be lying if I said I’m not feeling vulnerable myself.” He laughs a bit, soft and without much feeling inn it. “My world got totally turned upside down after I realized what was going on.” He gently disentangles them both from the embrace, looking deep into Jensen’s eyes once they’ve pulled apart. “But I’m willing to try.”
It’s lame, but Jared hopes it will bring some comfort to Jensen anyway, because he doesn’t really know what else to say. He just wants to take that sad, almost lost look off the older man’s face.
It works though, and Jensen reaches up to cup Jared’s neck and tug him closer for another kiss. He’s vaguely aware of his phone ringing, but he figures Chris and his ‘what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-you’ speech can wait a bit longer.
Jared couldn’t care less about the shrill sound, either. Not when Jensen seems to be quite fine again, if the way his lips and tongue are moving right now is any indication of it. He returns the kiss with everything he has, conveying into that touch everything he’s not able to put into words, trying to show Jensen exactly how much he’s willing to try.
+++
Chris dials Jensen’s number and pushes the button for what feels like the fiftieth time in the space of five minutes.
“If that fucker doesn’t pick up I’m gonna fuckin’ kill him,” he thinks in annoyance.
Nothing comes from the other line except for an empty dial tone followed eventually by Jensen’s voice mail.
“Well, that means he’s either doing great or feeling miserable,” he mutters, snapping his phone closed with a sigh. “I really hope it’s the first one.”
The text message comes in a few minutes later, short, to the point, and detached in a way Jensen never is.
“’m okay. Talk to you later.”
Chris glares ominously at the display, and Steve walks into the room to find him possibly seething at it.
“Do I need whiskey before you tell me about whatever it is that’s got you to look like you’re sucking on a lemon?” he enquires curiously.
“Jensen.”
Chris’s reply is as curt as the text.
Steve’s brow furrows almost on reflex, uneasiness creeping up to him as he goes to sit on the couch.
“Care to elaborate?” he ventures, not sure whether he’s going to like whatever it is that’s to come.
“I wish I could elaborate,” Chris sighs in exasperation. “Something was off during your show last night. I mean, Jen should’ve been jumping to the roof at the knowledge that he’s got Jared now, but he wasn’t. And I don’t know why. I just can’t explain it,” he informs. “I told him I’d call him today, and that he’d just have to tell me what the hell’s going on, but he’s not answering the damn thing. And now,” he holds out his cell phone for Steve to see, “he sent me a text. Take a look at it yourself.”
Steve’s eyebrows shoot up instantly as soon as he reads the words.
“Wow. Kinda… uh… not Jensen?”
“Exactly,” Chris says in frustration. “Now tell me, what the fuck should I do?”
Steve stares thoughtfully down at the by now dark display for a few moments before looking up with a resolute glint in his eyes that usually has his friends go instantly wary around him.
“You let me do the talking, that’s what you should do.”
Predictably, Chris’s eyes narrow as he studies his friend’s features.
“What are you going to do, Steve?”
Steve manages to look affronted.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean? You don’t trust me?”
Chris exhales slowly and rubs at his eyes.
“Sorry, man,” he offers quietly. “Of course I trust you. I’m just worried, ‘s all. You know how I get when Jen is concerned, yeah?” he adds with a small grin.
Steve scoffs.
“Yeah, I know. You turn into this huge mother hen.”
Chris glares at him, although admittedly he doesn’t put much heat in it.
“I wouldn’t put it that way, but… yeah, whatever.” He shrugs, eyes and voice softening. “He’s a nice guy, man. I just hate for him to get hurt in any way.”
“I know he’s a nice guy,” Steve says with a somewhat amused grin. “Or do I need to remind you that I’m the one who introduced the two of you in the first place?”
“Nah, no need for a reminder,” Chris laughs. “I’m glad you did, though. I really am. Guess we just have to wait, uh?” he adds with a sigh. “For him to call or something.”
Steve looks at him as if he’s just not smart enough to be worth wasting time with. He gets up and straightens his shirt with an exaggerate gesture.
“I’m going to that damn hotel. Right now.”
Chris’s head snaps up at that.
“You want company?” he asks after he manages to overcome his surprise. “Jared’s a big guy. if he’s fucked it up already you’re gonna need some help in kicking his ass,” he grins.
Steve throws him an amused look, the glitter in his blue eyes growing sharper.
“Nah. I can manage.”
And with that, he’s out of the door before the other man can say another word.
Chris sighs again and flops back against the cushions, not really knowing whether he should feel relieved that Steve is taking matters in his own hands or be all the more worried.
+++
When Steve gets there, Jensen is strumming out chords as if it’s raining, and he can picture him easily, fingers moving over the chords at a breakneck speed, head thrown back, eyes closed, enjoying the moment to the fullest.
Steve knows that it makes his friend feel free, playing like this, just one note after the other. He knows it can make him feel like nothing else matters, and he knows just how in those moments, nothing else exists. He has moments like this often enough with his own guitar to know.
“Damn, the guy’s good,” he thinks as he takes a few moments to listen in to Jensen’s solo.
Eventually though, he shakes himself out of it and knocks. He waits patiently, and when nothing happens he knocks again. It looks like Jensen isn’t in the mood for visitors though, because again, Steve receives no answer.
“Sorry, man, I’m not giving up that easily.”
He knocks one more time, stronger, louder.
“Jensen?” he calls out. “Open the door, man!”
Inside the room, Jensen jumps and falls back into reality with a figurative thud. Sighing in frustration over the loss of his own private bliss, he puts the guitar aside with reverential care and gets up to comply to the intruding request.
“You of all people should know better than to disturb a musician when they’re in their personal heaven,” he says with a grin once he’s face to face with his friend.
“I know, man,” Steve smirks back, not waiting for any invitation as he bluntly steps into the room. “But you asked for it. I was actually nice enough not to bring Chris with me. I’d say I did you a favor.”
Jensen frowns a little at the edge in Steve’s eyes and voice as he mentions Chris.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“What am I talking about?!” Steve cries in disbelief, laughing humourlessly at Jensen’s obliviousness. “There’s one hell of a worried man in my hotel room right now. The same man who called you a hundred times today, getting nothing but your voicemail.” Jensen is about to say something, but Steve doesn’t give him the chance. He knows he’s probably stressing things out a bit, but he doesn’t care. Chris is worried, and for some reason Jensen doesn’t appear to care. Things like this have the power to grate on Steve Carlson’s nerves quite easily. “The same man who got a text message from you that instead of trying to ease his worry has made it worse. That’s what I’m talking about, Jensen.”
The words cut deep, and Jensen’s left frozen in the middle of the room, staring dumbfounded at Steve. He doesn’t really know how long it is before he manages to snap out of it and looks down at the floor.
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “I’m so fucking sorry,” he adds in his mind. “I’m being such an ass. Jay, what are you doing to me?”
He’s never acted like this before, has never shut Chris or Steve out like this, and he wonders just why is he doing it now. Plus, he figures that if he is to shut his friends out, he should at least provide a decent mask so that they don’t freak out on him, but he finds himself unable to do even that.
Steve walks up to him and puts a hand on his shoulder.
“Hey, it’s okay,” he says quietly. “Just tell me what’s going on, so we don’t need to worry too much. Or so we start worrying more,” he adds with a small grin.
Jensen gives him a weak smile of his own.
“I don’t know what’s going on,” he finally admits quietly. He can never help it, when it comes to Steve. The older man just has this way that makes Jensen tell him everything in the end, whether he wants to or not.
Steve sighs dramatically.
“Alright, here we go…” He gives a brief laugh. “Why don’t you start from the beginning?” he says, sitting on the bed and dragging Jensen with him, tugging at his arm. “Just tell me how you’re feeling.”
Jensen cocks up an eyebrow, giving his friend an amused look.
“You’re about to go Dr. Phil on me, aren’t you?” When Steve just stares at him, he sighs and tries to explain. “I just… I don’t know what the fuck’s wrong with me,” he says, looking down at his hands, clasped in his lap. “I mean, I should be bouncing around, shouldn’t I? Instead I just feel… scared.”
“Scared,” Steve repeats slowly, tasting the word in his mouth, as if he’s trying to figure out why would Jensen be feeling that way. “Alright, care to expand on that?”
“It’s like… I can’t…” Jensen shakes his head, his throat closing up on him. He can’t say it. He just can’t spit it out.
Steve stares at his friend and feels a sharp tug at his guts as he realizes just how much he’s struggling to let the words out.
“Hey,” he calls softly. “C’mon, man. Just say it. It’s just me here.”
“Jared said he’s scared, too,” Jensen finally begins. “He said he doesn’t know how to deal with this. I told him it’s okay. I told him we’re in this together. But truth is…” he hesitates. “I don’t quite know how to deal with it, either.”
“Oh,” Steve says, unsure on how to approach this. “But he is with you, right?”
Jensen’s first instinct is to cry out something along the lines of, “Sure!”, but it suddenly strikes him that he’s not so sure at all. Because there’s still Sandy, and Jensen can’t believe that he has managed to forget about her and that Jared hasn’t mentioned her once.
“I… I think so,” he replies lamely.
“You think so?” Steve repeats, feeling anger starting to stir a little towards Jared. He pushes it back down, mostly because he thinks it’s quite an irrational feeling considering how he doesn’t have a clue on what’s going on with either of these two to begin with, and settles for a quiet, “Alright, what’s that supposed to mean?”
“There’s still Sandy,” Jensen points out, eyes still carefully downcast, purposely avoiding Steve’s piercing gaze.
“Here we go. The word we love to hate is back,” Steve thinks in annoyance.
“Okay,” he begins carefully, trying to bring light onto a quite blurred situation, running a hand through his long hair. “Has Jared said anything about her? Like what he’s going to do? Or more importantly, when is he going to break up with her?”
Jensen shakes his head.
“No. It’s gotta be tough on him. Maybe…” ”Maybe he’s not going to break up with her at all.”
Steve doesn’t even need to hear it all to know what his friend’s thinking.
“Hey, stop right there,” he says sternly. “Don’t you even start thinking that he’d fool around with you like that. Hell, I don’t know Jared that well, but I know enough to be absolutely sure that he wouldn’t do this kind of bullshit with you. He may be confused, or scared, or whatever, but I’m sure he’s gonna make the right decision. You’ll see.”
Fact is, Steve doesn’t know that. He has no way of knowing that. But he had to say it, if only to ease some of Jensen’s anguish.
“I know he wouldn’t fuck with me,” Jensen argues. “But… You can’t control your heart, can you? I mean, you’re the one who told me that once.”
“Yeah,” Steve sighs, sincerely hating his own advices for the first time. “Yeah, you can’t.” He gets up and starts pacing around like some sort of over-anxious tiger. “Alright. This whole thing must be new to him, right? Maybe that’s why he’s feeling like that.” “Duh,” his mind scoffs derisively. “Very smart, Carlson. As if he hadn’t got that on his own already.” He stops suddenly and looks back at Jensen. “You want him, right? Like, really want him?”
“Yeah,” is all Jensen says, because seriously, his voice is deserting him.
“Then don’t let him go, man,” Steve urges. “I know you love him, and that you want him to be happy, whether it’s with you or Sandy or anyone else.” He walks back to his friend and crouches down in front of him, so that he can make eye contact again. “But you gotta hold on tight and don’t let him slip away. Try to help him through all this, but show him that he’s gonna have heaven and more with you, you know?” he finishes with a smile. “Or… um… whatever. Hell, you get what I’m trying to say, yeah?”
Jensen laughs a bit.
“Yeah, I get it.” He scrubs his hands over his face. “Thanks, man.”
He nods ever so slightly to himself and stands up, squaring his shoulders almost imperceptibly. “You know what?” he says, green eyes glittering with determination. “I’m going to claim him. Right now.”
Steve grins widely, giving his friend’s shoulder a strong slap.
“That’s the Jensen I know! Go get your man!” he laughs.
Before the laughter has even completely left his throat though, he finds himself rewarded with one of those blinding smiles that he supposes Jared must have fallen in love with, Jensen staring hard at him.
“Thanks,” the younger man says sincerely, and Steve’s grin softens.
“Anytime, man.”
He knows just how scary throwing yourself into a relationship can be. He just hopes both Jared and Jensen are strong enough to overcome that fear.
TBC...