Wonder Of My World (1/?)
Title: Wonder Of My World (1/?)
Authors: cammissbloom & woodsbaile_02
Characters/Pairing: Jared/Jensen, Steve Carlson, Christian Kane
Word Count: 3.344
Disclaimers: We don’t own these people, they own themselves. None of this ever happened and, alas, the couple is not real. None of this was meant as an offence to anyone. We’re just pretending, folks.
Notes: (1) Story and chapters titles and quotes all coming from various Steve Carlson’s songs. (2) Huge thanks to wake_up_older29 for the amazing beta.
Summary: Something’s wrong with Jensen, and he makes a point not to tell Jared what is it. But when Jared finds out anyway, his reaction surprises even Jared himself.
banner made by the lovely titheniel
Wonder Of My World
Chapter 1 - Tell You A Tale
“I’ll tell you a tale about a boy in old blue jeans”
(“Ballad of Denim Boy and Grey Girl” - Steve Carlson)
---
It’s not every day that Jensen can be heard squeeing. Actually, Jared’s sure he’s never heard Jensen squeeing that loud. Or at all. Ever.
And so none could really blame the older man for currently being intent in trying to hide his blush after realizing that Jared’s been staring at him incredulously for minutes while standing in the trailer’s doorway.
“Steve’s releasing a new album,” Jensen says as some sort of explanation, and yet trying to sound as nonchalant as he can. “There’s gonna be a show in Texas in two weeks.”
Oh. Now Jared knows what the very undignified sound coming from his friend was about. Jensen loves Steve’s music, and he gets insanely excited every time it’s involved in some way.
“I can’t believe the fucker didn’t tell me…” Jensen is grumbling. “I mean, I gotta read his damn myspace page to find out?!” He stops and clears his throat, looking up at Jared with a bright smile and even brighter eyes. “Hey, hiatus begins in a few days. What do you say we go back home and celebrate? Even though Steve doesn’t really deserve it…”
“Oh c’mon, man, you gonna go all pouty on Steve now?” Jared says, grinning back and barely managing to hold back the amused laugh that’s tickling his throat at this very girlish side of his best friend. He sure is not about to say anything to Jensen though, because as much as the older man can bear a scary resemblance to a giggling fangirl at certain times, he still possesses pretty much the strongest right hook Jared’s ever seen. “You said it yourself, the man is about to release an album. He must have lots of stuff to do, and lots of people to deal with. Or maybe,” he adds, eyes twinkling, “he just really doesn’t like you.”
Jensen promptly proceeds to give him a glare.
“Ha. Haha. Very funny, Padalecki. Seriously, I’m laughing on the inside here.”
Jared shrugs, grinning widely, and grabs a chair to sit next to Jensen.
“Well, about the hiatus…” He pauses briefly, running over the various dates in his head. “I gotta go to L.A. and see Sandy, but it’ll be only for a couple of days. Then I can go back to Texas, see my folks, and go with you to Steve’s show. What do you think?”
Jensen seems to consider this. His eyes take on a distant look for a moment before he snaps out of it and nods somewhat distractedly.
“Sure,” he says, standing to walk up to the counter, where he does nothing in particular but stand there, pretending to be very interested in the wood all of a sudden. Is that a crack next to the far corner on his left?
“Okay. What did I miss? What the heck did you do this time, Padalecki?” Jared thinks puzzlingly, going over everything he’s said and trying to find a reasonable explanation for such a sudden change in his friend’s behavior.
When he can’t, he just looks at Jensen and says, “Dude, is everything alright?”
Jensen clenches his fists and curses himself. Vehemently. Apparently, he can’t help it. Whenever Jared mentions Sandy, he’s reminded of what he can’t have, and as much as he tries, he can’t keep it from getting to him.
Jared doesn’t need to know though, he doesn’t have to know, and so he shrugs and slaps on the most careless smile he can manage.
“Yeah.”
Jared looks warily at his friend for a moment, but he smiles when he speaks next.
“All right then, man. So… you gonna tell me the exact date in which we’re supposed to be in Texas, or do you plan on keeping the secret?” he says with another grin, trying to light up the suddenly weird mood.
“Saturday, March 3rd, Dallas,” Jensen replies almost automatically.
“Fuck, Ackles, get a grip!” he berates himself at the flat tone of his voice.
Jared finds himself taken aback by the lack of enthusiasm in his friend’s voice. It sounds as if the older man regrets telling him about the show altogether.
Still, he gets up and offers Jensen a smile.
“March 3rd. Saturday. Your hometown. Got it. I’ll be there.”
He gives his friend’s shoulder a pat before heading out of the trailer, and he doesn’t notice Jensen hanging his head behind him.
+++
“Alright, something was definitely not right about that,” Jared thinks as he walks to his own trailer.
Jensen’s never this aloof, and the uneasiness is still fresh in Jared’s stomach, gripping it lightly, questions raising in his head.
He doesn’t have time to ponder further over it though, because his phone suddenly rings. He fishes it out of his pocket and is a little surprised at seeing “CHRIS” flashing on the display as the caller I.D.
“Kane?” Jared says, hitting the button with a frown. “’s that you, man?”
“No, ‘s the Tooth Fairy calling to give you a piece of her mind about all that candy eatin’,” Chris drawls easily into his ear.
“Well, I’m sorry, Toothy, but I’ll keep at all that candy eatin’. And my teeth are fine and white as snow, thank you very much,” Jared says good-naturally, immediately going along with the joke. “Hey Chris,” he greets then. “What’s up?”
“Yeah, yeah, Pearl Boy, whatever,” Chris says dismissively. “Wanted to know if you guys can make it to Steve’s show in Dallas. I’d ask Jen, you know, but…” Chris sounds hesitant for maybe the first time since Jared’s known him. “Man’s kinda grumpy these days.”
“You don’t need to tell me,” Jared says with a small sigh. “I just got back from his trailer. He was fine at first, you know, our usual Jen, but then… I don’t know what the hell happened… he got… weird, to say the least.” He pauses, once again going over every possible reason in his mind; and once again failing to find a good one. “Maybe it was because Steve didn’t say anything about the show before? I mean, Jensen found out on the band’s myspace.”
“Nah,” Chris replies almost immediately. “Jen can be touchy at times, but not like that. What do you mean ‘weird’, though? Did you say anything to him?” There’s no accusation in Chris’ voice, only a silent promise that if Jared’s behind all this, he’s going to have to answer to him.
“I swear I didn’t do anything,” Jared defends himself quickly, knowing just how protective Jensen’s friends are. “He asked me if I wanted to come to Steve’s show. I said I have to go to L.A. first, to visit Sandy, but that it’s just gonna take a couple of days, and then I’ll be in Texas to see my parents and I can come to the show with him. I didn’t say anything out of the ordinary, did I?”
Chris is silent for a few uncomfortable moments before he clears his throat and speaks.
“No,” he says curtly, and sounding totally unconvincing.
Jared freezes for a minute.
“Alright, will everyone go all weird on me today? Seriously, what the hell am I missing here?” he thinks in frustration.
“Alright man, what did I say wrong?” he asks aloud, that same frustration creeping into his voice. “Just fucking tell me so I can make it right again.”
Chris heaves a deep sigh that travels all the way through the line.
“It’s not you, Jared,” he says quietly. “It’s his own problem.”
Admittedly, it is a rare event in his life, but Jared finds himself at a loss of words, only managing something completely inarticulate that sounds a lot like, “Oh. Hm…”
“Dammit Padalecki! Your friend has a problem and you have nothing to say?!” he mentally kicks himself.
“It’s nothing serious,” Chris hurries to reassure. “So don’t worry. Jen will work it out on his own.” Chris actually sounds like he’s trying to convince himself rather than Jared.
“Yeah, alright. I’ll try not to worry,” Jared says softly. He knows he won’t get anything from Chris anyway, so he’ll let the man be. For now.
“You do that. Alright, I’ll let ya get back to work now…” There’s a brief pause in which a muffled voice is heard in the background. “Steve says to tell you he’s sorry-” Chris stops. “What the hell are you sorry for?” Jared hears him ask, before he sighs again. “I’m surrounded by emo bitches,” he grumbles. “I’ll see ya, Jay. Make sure to drag Jen along.”
Jared laughs as he says his goodbyes. After all the awkwardness in Jensen’s trailer and then on the phone with Chris, he was definitely in need of a good laugh. It still amazes him, how Chris can go from being the most intimidating son of a bitch to have him crying tears of laughter in the span of a second.
+++
“CUT!” Kim yells, loud enough that even the people at catering have probably heard him. “Take a break, guys.”
Jensen blows out a frustrated puff of air and runs his hand over his face. Saying that he’s not satisfied with his job would be an understatement. His concentration’s all off, and no matter what he does, he can’t get it back. There are very few things that Jensen hates more than not being able to push his personal shit aside for the sake of his work.
And there are even less things that Jared hates more than seeing Jensen growing frustrated over it. Jensen’s a professional, and no matter what, when shooting, his work always comes first, before everything. Always. Except when whatever it is that’s bugging him is really very serious. Which does nothing but increase Jared’s worry.
“What the hell?” he thinks as he watches Jensen scrubbing his tired features.
He has no idea whether he should stay where he is or go and see if the man needs anything. A moment later he makes up his mind with a sigh (although there was never really a choice to begin with), and walks up to where Jensen is currently pacing up and down the set.
“Hey man, is everything all right?” he asks.
Jensen stares at him like it’s the most stupid question he’s ever been asked.
“I’m fucking every shot up, Jay,” he says, his voice managing to alternate between angry and dejected in just one short sentence.
“God, he looks miserable,” Jared thinks, feeling a tug at his belly, looking at Jensen as he dismisses the harsh tone.
“Jen, you look miserable, man,” he says, voicing his thoughts. “What’s going on? Want to go to the trailer and relax a bit?”
Jensen shakes his head and holds up the script to the next scene.
“I gotta go over the lines again. I can’t keep screwing up like this.”
“You can’t keep screwing with my mind like this,” Jensen thinks, but unlike Jared, he doesn’t voice it, keeping his thoughts safely locked inside his head.
“Jensen?” Eric calls from across the set. “A word?”
Jensen actually groans.
“Shit,” he curses under his breath.
Jared watches sadly as he walks away.
“What’s wrong with you, Jen? I wish you would say so I could help you.”
No other thought has the chance to enter his mind after this, because then they’re shooting again.
+++
The day’s one of the longest ever for Jensen, and he’s never been so relieved to hear the “That’s a wrap!” words when they finally come, at one o’clock in the morning.
He doesn’t say a word as he sits down in the trailer and Shannon fusses around him to get the day’s makeup off. He can’t remember the last time he’s forced everybody to do so many re-shots, and he’s pissed as hell at himself. He knows he can’t go on like this, but he has no idea of how to push it all aside again.
Steve had told him about a “top endurance point” once. Apparently, once reached, there’s no going back, and you either explode or implode with whatever it is that’s brought you this far.
It looks like his own top endurance point has been reached and long crossed, sometime when he wasn’t paying enough attention.
He gives a curt departing nod when Shannon’s done with him and quickly exits the makeup trailer, longing for some solitude in which he can try and put his shit together before Eric has to regret his casting choice.
Back in the makeup trailer, Shannon and Jeannie exchange puzzled looks and turn to stare at Jared like a couple of hawks.
“What’s going on here?” Shannon asks.
Jared holds up his hands in the air, in a gesture that clearly says, “I didn’t do anything!”.
“I’m as clueless as the two of you,” he says. “For now,” he adds.
“Because sooner or later I’ll find out what the fuck is going on,” he thinks determinedly.
A few minutes later, he’s free to go, as well, and he waves goodbye to the makeup girls on his wait out.
+++
“I can’t, Chris.”
Jared stops dead in his tracks. He peers cautiously around a trailer to see Jensen leaning against the closed door of his own “home on wheels”, shoulders slumped and head down.
“You don’t understand. I just…” Jensen pauses, pinching his nose with a thumb and an index. “I can’t.” His voice grows rough, sad, almost painful to hear. “Alright. I’ll see ya, Chris.”
He hangs up and leans his head back, closing his eyes, phone still held loosely in his hand.
“Fuck. He’s hurting,” is the only thing that goes through Jared’s mind before he’s right in front of his friend.
He doesn’t even remember crossing the distance between them, he only knows that right now he feels nothing but the need of protecting Jensen and try to take the pain away, somehow. Anyhow.
“Jen… Fuck, man. Talk to me,” he pleads, looking into the older man’s eyes to see if he can catch something of whatever it is that’s so wrong in the green irises.
Jensen knows his pain is almost raw by now, and he does his best to let the walls descend before Jared can catch a glimpse of it.
“I’m fine,” he says, cursing inwardly when his voice comes out hoarse, in total contrast with the words.
“Yeah? And I’m the Queen of England,” Jared replies with a snort. He grabs both Jensen’s shoulders and stares hard at him. “Jen, something’s wrong and there’s no denying it. I just want to help you, man… Please say something. Anything. Please?”
“Jay, I…” “I love you. So fucking much.”
But he can’t say it. Because saying it would drive Jared away, and Jensen’s not sure he can take that. Actually, he’s pretty sure of the opposite.
Jared can almost hear his own heart racing inside his chest.
“He’s gonna tell me. Come on, Jen…” he prompts silently, waiting eagerly for his friend to continue.
A few moments pass, but Jensen says nothing. They just stand there, looking at each other, until Jared can’t wait any longer.
“Jen?”
Jensen is the first to look down.
“I’m sorry, Jay. I can’t tell you,” he murmurs dejectedly. Jared will never know the double meaning of his words, and his heart clenches a little.
“You… you can’t tell me?” Jared asks. “What do you mean you can’t tell me?”
“And why does it hurt so much to hear him say that?” his mind adds.
“I mean I can’t lose you.” “I just… can’t,” Jensen offers lamely.
Jared lets go of him then, his own shoulders slumping in defeat.
“Hey, Jen?” he calls after a while, and he waits patiently for Jensen to look up at him. “I just…” he begins, but quickly stops to clear his throat. “And why is my voice hoarse?” he wonders. “I don’t know what to do, man. I’ve never seen you like this, and I don’t want to see you like this, but… but I won’t force you to say anything, alright? If you need me though… I’ll be right here,” he offers sincerely.
He wishes he could do or say more, but he’s at a loss of how to help with this.
“Don’t say that… Please don’t say that…”
Jensen swallows. Hard. Because Jared’s making things harder, and he doesn’t even know.
His throat goes dry on him, and he couldn’t manage to utter a word if he tried.
Jared’s phone saves him though, ringing again.
“Fucking hell!” Jared whispers. “Such a perfect timing,” he thinks irritably.
He doesn’t even look at the caller I.D., he just presses the button.
“Hey. Oh, hi baby.”
He throws an apologetic look at Jensen and mouths an “I’m sorry” for him, listening to Sandy’s ranting on the other end of the line.
Jensen gives him a reassuring smile, a shrug and a pat on the shoulder before he climbs up the steps to his trailer and closes the door behind him.
Jared stares at the closed door for long moments. Damn. He’s never seen Jensen like that, and it has him on edge for some reason…
“… Jared? Jay, are you listening to me?” Sandy’s questioning voice cuts into his thoughts.
“Oh. Hey…” he stutters, not quite snapping out of it. “Look, can I call you later? I have to do… something. I’ll call you back, okay?” He hangs up before she can reply.
“I need some time to think,” he muses, starting on to an aimless, mind clearing walk. “I need to understand exactly what the hell is going on here.”
+++
“I talked to Jensen. And to Jared,” Chris is saying, sitting on the couch, right foot bouncing over his left knee, looking as restless as ever. “Things aren’t good, man. Things are shitty, to be honest with ya.”
Steve arches an eyebrow as he takes a long swig of his beer.
“They had a fight or something?”
“Nah. If it was somethin’ like that it would be a hell of a lot easier. Jared said the word we’re all startin’ to hate: the guy said ‘Sandy’ when Jensen asked him to go to your show with him,” Chris says with a sigh. Damn kid and his obliviousness.
Steve cringes and curses under his breath, then he proceeds to glare as if it’s not Chris that’s sitting before him, but Jared. He likes the boy, he really does. And he can’t fault him for loving his girl like he does. He just wishes he was less… oblivious.
“So he’s not coming because he’s gotta go to his girl?”
“Heck, I wish,” Chris says, taking a healthy swig himself. “That way we could at least give Jen a shoulder to cry on. Or a good hangover. He’ll spend just a couple of days with her and then he’s coming to Texas to see his folks and come to the show with Jen.” Chris himself can’t help but glare at nothing while he keeps on talking. “I can imagine just how happy Jen will be, man. Fuck. He’s gonna be miserable.”
“If he only got his head outta his ass and actually talked to Jared, maybe he’d feel better,” Steve says with a small angry frown.
“Or maybe worse,” Chris quickly argues. “I mean, who knows what the hell goes through the head of the big guy?” he muses of Jared. “And anyway, Jen’s too deep into this already… I really don’t think he’s gonna give up their friendship if he’s not sure of what the guy feels. Or maybe he’s just scared. Dude, you gotta give it to him, it is a scary fucked up situation.”
Steve seems to ponder for a few minutes, then he heaves a deep sigh.
“Yeah. Yeah, it is,” he concedes, then he sits up straighter and stares hard at Chris, a glint in his eyes. “Well, I guess we’re just gonna have to take matters into our own hands.”
A matching grin slowly spreads over Chris’ lips.
“Tell me what you have in mind. I’m all ears, man.”
TBC...
Authors: cammissbloom & woodsbaile_02
Characters/Pairing: Jared/Jensen, Steve Carlson, Christian Kane
Word Count: 3.344
Disclaimers: We don’t own these people, they own themselves. None of this ever happened and, alas, the couple is not real. None of this was meant as an offence to anyone. We’re just pretending, folks.
Notes: (1) Story and chapters titles and quotes all coming from various Steve Carlson’s songs. (2) Huge thanks to wake_up_older29 for the amazing beta.
Summary: Something’s wrong with Jensen, and he makes a point not to tell Jared what is it. But when Jared finds out anyway, his reaction surprises even Jared himself.
banner made by the lovely titheniel
Wonder Of My World
Chapter 1 - Tell You A Tale
“I’ll tell you a tale about a boy in old blue jeans”
(“Ballad of Denim Boy and Grey Girl” - Steve Carlson)
---
It’s not every day that Jensen can be heard squeeing. Actually, Jared’s sure he’s never heard Jensen squeeing that loud. Or at all. Ever.
And so none could really blame the older man for currently being intent in trying to hide his blush after realizing that Jared’s been staring at him incredulously for minutes while standing in the trailer’s doorway.
“Steve’s releasing a new album,” Jensen says as some sort of explanation, and yet trying to sound as nonchalant as he can. “There’s gonna be a show in Texas in two weeks.”
Oh. Now Jared knows what the very undignified sound coming from his friend was about. Jensen loves Steve’s music, and he gets insanely excited every time it’s involved in some way.
“I can’t believe the fucker didn’t tell me…” Jensen is grumbling. “I mean, I gotta read his damn myspace page to find out?!” He stops and clears his throat, looking up at Jared with a bright smile and even brighter eyes. “Hey, hiatus begins in a few days. What do you say we go back home and celebrate? Even though Steve doesn’t really deserve it…”
“Oh c’mon, man, you gonna go all pouty on Steve now?” Jared says, grinning back and barely managing to hold back the amused laugh that’s tickling his throat at this very girlish side of his best friend. He sure is not about to say anything to Jensen though, because as much as the older man can bear a scary resemblance to a giggling fangirl at certain times, he still possesses pretty much the strongest right hook Jared’s ever seen. “You said it yourself, the man is about to release an album. He must have lots of stuff to do, and lots of people to deal with. Or maybe,” he adds, eyes twinkling, “he just really doesn’t like you.”
Jensen promptly proceeds to give him a glare.
“Ha. Haha. Very funny, Padalecki. Seriously, I’m laughing on the inside here.”
Jared shrugs, grinning widely, and grabs a chair to sit next to Jensen.
“Well, about the hiatus…” He pauses briefly, running over the various dates in his head. “I gotta go to L.A. and see Sandy, but it’ll be only for a couple of days. Then I can go back to Texas, see my folks, and go with you to Steve’s show. What do you think?”
Jensen seems to consider this. His eyes take on a distant look for a moment before he snaps out of it and nods somewhat distractedly.
“Sure,” he says, standing to walk up to the counter, where he does nothing in particular but stand there, pretending to be very interested in the wood all of a sudden. Is that a crack next to the far corner on his left?
“Okay. What did I miss? What the heck did you do this time, Padalecki?” Jared thinks puzzlingly, going over everything he’s said and trying to find a reasonable explanation for such a sudden change in his friend’s behavior.
When he can’t, he just looks at Jensen and says, “Dude, is everything alright?”
Jensen clenches his fists and curses himself. Vehemently. Apparently, he can’t help it. Whenever Jared mentions Sandy, he’s reminded of what he can’t have, and as much as he tries, he can’t keep it from getting to him.
Jared doesn’t need to know though, he doesn’t have to know, and so he shrugs and slaps on the most careless smile he can manage.
“Yeah.”
Jared looks warily at his friend for a moment, but he smiles when he speaks next.
“All right then, man. So… you gonna tell me the exact date in which we’re supposed to be in Texas, or do you plan on keeping the secret?” he says with another grin, trying to light up the suddenly weird mood.
“Saturday, March 3rd, Dallas,” Jensen replies almost automatically.
“Fuck, Ackles, get a grip!” he berates himself at the flat tone of his voice.
Jared finds himself taken aback by the lack of enthusiasm in his friend’s voice. It sounds as if the older man regrets telling him about the show altogether.
Still, he gets up and offers Jensen a smile.
“March 3rd. Saturday. Your hometown. Got it. I’ll be there.”
He gives his friend’s shoulder a pat before heading out of the trailer, and he doesn’t notice Jensen hanging his head behind him.
+++
“Alright, something was definitely not right about that,” Jared thinks as he walks to his own trailer.
Jensen’s never this aloof, and the uneasiness is still fresh in Jared’s stomach, gripping it lightly, questions raising in his head.
He doesn’t have time to ponder further over it though, because his phone suddenly rings. He fishes it out of his pocket and is a little surprised at seeing “CHRIS” flashing on the display as the caller I.D.
“Kane?” Jared says, hitting the button with a frown. “’s that you, man?”
“No, ‘s the Tooth Fairy calling to give you a piece of her mind about all that candy eatin’,” Chris drawls easily into his ear.
“Well, I’m sorry, Toothy, but I’ll keep at all that candy eatin’. And my teeth are fine and white as snow, thank you very much,” Jared says good-naturally, immediately going along with the joke. “Hey Chris,” he greets then. “What’s up?”
“Yeah, yeah, Pearl Boy, whatever,” Chris says dismissively. “Wanted to know if you guys can make it to Steve’s show in Dallas. I’d ask Jen, you know, but…” Chris sounds hesitant for maybe the first time since Jared’s known him. “Man’s kinda grumpy these days.”
“You don’t need to tell me,” Jared says with a small sigh. “I just got back from his trailer. He was fine at first, you know, our usual Jen, but then… I don’t know what the hell happened… he got… weird, to say the least.” He pauses, once again going over every possible reason in his mind; and once again failing to find a good one. “Maybe it was because Steve didn’t say anything about the show before? I mean, Jensen found out on the band’s myspace.”
“Nah,” Chris replies almost immediately. “Jen can be touchy at times, but not like that. What do you mean ‘weird’, though? Did you say anything to him?” There’s no accusation in Chris’ voice, only a silent promise that if Jared’s behind all this, he’s going to have to answer to him.
“I swear I didn’t do anything,” Jared defends himself quickly, knowing just how protective Jensen’s friends are. “He asked me if I wanted to come to Steve’s show. I said I have to go to L.A. first, to visit Sandy, but that it’s just gonna take a couple of days, and then I’ll be in Texas to see my parents and I can come to the show with him. I didn’t say anything out of the ordinary, did I?”
Chris is silent for a few uncomfortable moments before he clears his throat and speaks.
“No,” he says curtly, and sounding totally unconvincing.
Jared freezes for a minute.
“Alright, will everyone go all weird on me today? Seriously, what the hell am I missing here?” he thinks in frustration.
“Alright man, what did I say wrong?” he asks aloud, that same frustration creeping into his voice. “Just fucking tell me so I can make it right again.”
Chris heaves a deep sigh that travels all the way through the line.
“It’s not you, Jared,” he says quietly. “It’s his own problem.”
Admittedly, it is a rare event in his life, but Jared finds himself at a loss of words, only managing something completely inarticulate that sounds a lot like, “Oh. Hm…”
“Dammit Padalecki! Your friend has a problem and you have nothing to say?!” he mentally kicks himself.
“It’s nothing serious,” Chris hurries to reassure. “So don’t worry. Jen will work it out on his own.” Chris actually sounds like he’s trying to convince himself rather than Jared.
“Yeah, alright. I’ll try not to worry,” Jared says softly. He knows he won’t get anything from Chris anyway, so he’ll let the man be. For now.
“You do that. Alright, I’ll let ya get back to work now…” There’s a brief pause in which a muffled voice is heard in the background. “Steve says to tell you he’s sorry-” Chris stops. “What the hell are you sorry for?” Jared hears him ask, before he sighs again. “I’m surrounded by emo bitches,” he grumbles. “I’ll see ya, Jay. Make sure to drag Jen along.”
Jared laughs as he says his goodbyes. After all the awkwardness in Jensen’s trailer and then on the phone with Chris, he was definitely in need of a good laugh. It still amazes him, how Chris can go from being the most intimidating son of a bitch to have him crying tears of laughter in the span of a second.
+++
“CUT!” Kim yells, loud enough that even the people at catering have probably heard him. “Take a break, guys.”
Jensen blows out a frustrated puff of air and runs his hand over his face. Saying that he’s not satisfied with his job would be an understatement. His concentration’s all off, and no matter what he does, he can’t get it back. There are very few things that Jensen hates more than not being able to push his personal shit aside for the sake of his work.
And there are even less things that Jared hates more than seeing Jensen growing frustrated over it. Jensen’s a professional, and no matter what, when shooting, his work always comes first, before everything. Always. Except when whatever it is that’s bugging him is really very serious. Which does nothing but increase Jared’s worry.
“What the hell?” he thinks as he watches Jensen scrubbing his tired features.
He has no idea whether he should stay where he is or go and see if the man needs anything. A moment later he makes up his mind with a sigh (although there was never really a choice to begin with), and walks up to where Jensen is currently pacing up and down the set.
“Hey man, is everything all right?” he asks.
Jensen stares at him like it’s the most stupid question he’s ever been asked.
“I’m fucking every shot up, Jay,” he says, his voice managing to alternate between angry and dejected in just one short sentence.
“God, he looks miserable,” Jared thinks, feeling a tug at his belly, looking at Jensen as he dismisses the harsh tone.
“Jen, you look miserable, man,” he says, voicing his thoughts. “What’s going on? Want to go to the trailer and relax a bit?”
Jensen shakes his head and holds up the script to the next scene.
“I gotta go over the lines again. I can’t keep screwing up like this.”
“You can’t keep screwing with my mind like this,” Jensen thinks, but unlike Jared, he doesn’t voice it, keeping his thoughts safely locked inside his head.
“Jensen?” Eric calls from across the set. “A word?”
Jensen actually groans.
“Shit,” he curses under his breath.
Jared watches sadly as he walks away.
“What’s wrong with you, Jen? I wish you would say so I could help you.”
No other thought has the chance to enter his mind after this, because then they’re shooting again.
+++
The day’s one of the longest ever for Jensen, and he’s never been so relieved to hear the “That’s a wrap!” words when they finally come, at one o’clock in the morning.
He doesn’t say a word as he sits down in the trailer and Shannon fusses around him to get the day’s makeup off. He can’t remember the last time he’s forced everybody to do so many re-shots, and he’s pissed as hell at himself. He knows he can’t go on like this, but he has no idea of how to push it all aside again.
Steve had told him about a “top endurance point” once. Apparently, once reached, there’s no going back, and you either explode or implode with whatever it is that’s brought you this far.
It looks like his own top endurance point has been reached and long crossed, sometime when he wasn’t paying enough attention.
He gives a curt departing nod when Shannon’s done with him and quickly exits the makeup trailer, longing for some solitude in which he can try and put his shit together before Eric has to regret his casting choice.
Back in the makeup trailer, Shannon and Jeannie exchange puzzled looks and turn to stare at Jared like a couple of hawks.
“What’s going on here?” Shannon asks.
Jared holds up his hands in the air, in a gesture that clearly says, “I didn’t do anything!”.
“I’m as clueless as the two of you,” he says. “For now,” he adds.
“Because sooner or later I’ll find out what the fuck is going on,” he thinks determinedly.
A few minutes later, he’s free to go, as well, and he waves goodbye to the makeup girls on his wait out.
+++
“I can’t, Chris.”
Jared stops dead in his tracks. He peers cautiously around a trailer to see Jensen leaning against the closed door of his own “home on wheels”, shoulders slumped and head down.
“You don’t understand. I just…” Jensen pauses, pinching his nose with a thumb and an index. “I can’t.” His voice grows rough, sad, almost painful to hear. “Alright. I’ll see ya, Chris.”
He hangs up and leans his head back, closing his eyes, phone still held loosely in his hand.
“Fuck. He’s hurting,” is the only thing that goes through Jared’s mind before he’s right in front of his friend.
He doesn’t even remember crossing the distance between them, he only knows that right now he feels nothing but the need of protecting Jensen and try to take the pain away, somehow. Anyhow.
“Jen… Fuck, man. Talk to me,” he pleads, looking into the older man’s eyes to see if he can catch something of whatever it is that’s so wrong in the green irises.
Jensen knows his pain is almost raw by now, and he does his best to let the walls descend before Jared can catch a glimpse of it.
“I’m fine,” he says, cursing inwardly when his voice comes out hoarse, in total contrast with the words.
“Yeah? And I’m the Queen of England,” Jared replies with a snort. He grabs both Jensen’s shoulders and stares hard at him. “Jen, something’s wrong and there’s no denying it. I just want to help you, man… Please say something. Anything. Please?”
“Jay, I…” “I love you. So fucking much.”
But he can’t say it. Because saying it would drive Jared away, and Jensen’s not sure he can take that. Actually, he’s pretty sure of the opposite.
Jared can almost hear his own heart racing inside his chest.
“He’s gonna tell me. Come on, Jen…” he prompts silently, waiting eagerly for his friend to continue.
A few moments pass, but Jensen says nothing. They just stand there, looking at each other, until Jared can’t wait any longer.
“Jen?”
Jensen is the first to look down.
“I’m sorry, Jay. I can’t tell you,” he murmurs dejectedly. Jared will never know the double meaning of his words, and his heart clenches a little.
“You… you can’t tell me?” Jared asks. “What do you mean you can’t tell me?”
“And why does it hurt so much to hear him say that?” his mind adds.
“I mean I can’t lose you.” “I just… can’t,” Jensen offers lamely.
Jared lets go of him then, his own shoulders slumping in defeat.
“Hey, Jen?” he calls after a while, and he waits patiently for Jensen to look up at him. “I just…” he begins, but quickly stops to clear his throat. “And why is my voice hoarse?” he wonders. “I don’t know what to do, man. I’ve never seen you like this, and I don’t want to see you like this, but… but I won’t force you to say anything, alright? If you need me though… I’ll be right here,” he offers sincerely.
He wishes he could do or say more, but he’s at a loss of how to help with this.
“Don’t say that… Please don’t say that…”
Jensen swallows. Hard. Because Jared’s making things harder, and he doesn’t even know.
His throat goes dry on him, and he couldn’t manage to utter a word if he tried.
Jared’s phone saves him though, ringing again.
“Fucking hell!” Jared whispers. “Such a perfect timing,” he thinks irritably.
He doesn’t even look at the caller I.D., he just presses the button.
“Hey. Oh, hi baby.”
He throws an apologetic look at Jensen and mouths an “I’m sorry” for him, listening to Sandy’s ranting on the other end of the line.
Jensen gives him a reassuring smile, a shrug and a pat on the shoulder before he climbs up the steps to his trailer and closes the door behind him.
Jared stares at the closed door for long moments. Damn. He’s never seen Jensen like that, and it has him on edge for some reason…
“… Jared? Jay, are you listening to me?” Sandy’s questioning voice cuts into his thoughts.
“Oh. Hey…” he stutters, not quite snapping out of it. “Look, can I call you later? I have to do… something. I’ll call you back, okay?” He hangs up before she can reply.
“I need some time to think,” he muses, starting on to an aimless, mind clearing walk. “I need to understand exactly what the hell is going on here.”
+++
“I talked to Jensen. And to Jared,” Chris is saying, sitting on the couch, right foot bouncing over his left knee, looking as restless as ever. “Things aren’t good, man. Things are shitty, to be honest with ya.”
Steve arches an eyebrow as he takes a long swig of his beer.
“They had a fight or something?”
“Nah. If it was somethin’ like that it would be a hell of a lot easier. Jared said the word we’re all startin’ to hate: the guy said ‘Sandy’ when Jensen asked him to go to your show with him,” Chris says with a sigh. Damn kid and his obliviousness.
Steve cringes and curses under his breath, then he proceeds to glare as if it’s not Chris that’s sitting before him, but Jared. He likes the boy, he really does. And he can’t fault him for loving his girl like he does. He just wishes he was less… oblivious.
“So he’s not coming because he’s gotta go to his girl?”
“Heck, I wish,” Chris says, taking a healthy swig himself. “That way we could at least give Jen a shoulder to cry on. Or a good hangover. He’ll spend just a couple of days with her and then he’s coming to Texas to see his folks and come to the show with Jen.” Chris himself can’t help but glare at nothing while he keeps on talking. “I can imagine just how happy Jen will be, man. Fuck. He’s gonna be miserable.”
“If he only got his head outta his ass and actually talked to Jared, maybe he’d feel better,” Steve says with a small angry frown.
“Or maybe worse,” Chris quickly argues. “I mean, who knows what the hell goes through the head of the big guy?” he muses of Jared. “And anyway, Jen’s too deep into this already… I really don’t think he’s gonna give up their friendship if he’s not sure of what the guy feels. Or maybe he’s just scared. Dude, you gotta give it to him, it is a scary fucked up situation.”
Steve seems to ponder for a few minutes, then he heaves a deep sigh.
“Yeah. Yeah, it is,” he concedes, then he sits up straighter and stares hard at Chris, a glint in his eyes. “Well, I guess we’re just gonna have to take matters into our own hands.”
A matching grin slowly spreads over Chris’ lips.
“Tell me what you have in mind. I’m all ears, man.”
TBC...