Letters Home From Korea: From Quijonbu to Mill Valley, Letter #8
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Letter #7
TITLE: Letters Home From Korea: From Quijonbu to Mill Valley, Letter #8
AUTHOR: willows_whiten/spell_divine
FANDOM: M*A*S*H
PAIRING: BJ/Peg
GENRE: Het
TABLE: #11: Song Titles A
PROMPT: 06. Sometimes Love is Never Enough @ 12_stories
RATING: PG
WORD COUNT: 1,048
SUMMARY: A bit dark and depressing. Another letter that Peg will never read (this time because Hawk won't let BJ send it).
WARNINGS: Partner betrayal (canon!!) [This is something I'd label as a spoiler if the show didn't go off the air 20 odd years ago].
NOTES: 1) I feel like BJ and Hawk's thoughts jump around a lot in this piece. BJ's makes sense, since I think he's so uncomfortable with the situation that he has a bad case of anxiety. Hawkeye I think was because I had a hard time writing him sane when BJ was anything but. However, my argument is that he's getting anxious that BJ isn't listening to him. 2) The reason for the mid-sentence stop is that this is the point where Hawkeye comes into the Swamp and finds out what BJ is up to (for those who have seen the show). 3) I hated writing this piece. So why did I write it? Because when I read the prompt it was the first scene that came to mind.
DISCLAIMER: If I owned these characters, or had been consulted by the original writers, this scene would never have been canon.
Dear Peggy,
I only call you that when I’m in trouble, don’t I? Well, I am, or at least I will be once
I promised Hawkeye I wouldn’t send this letter. In fact, he’s watching me to make sure I burn it. However, he did agree to allow me to write it to help me work through it. I’m still not sure I shouldn’t be sending this, but maybe the timing is off. But you’ve been so honest with me, and I feel like I’m lying by not saying anything. Hawk thinks I’ll just make things worse if I say anything to you. He also thinks that I just made a mistake, and that I didn’t ruin anything, but that I will if I send this letter.
Peg, I feel like such a louse. I truly feel horrible. First of all, I want to let you know: I truly love you. I really do. And I know that you’d believe that. Except, I think I did something that would make you change your mind and question the whole basis of our relationship. Maybe that’s why Hawkeye won’t let me tell you anything: There would be no way for me to gain your trust back or convince you that I’m the same. But I am.
You see. . .I slept with a nurse last night. I didn’t do it to make you hate me, though I’m sure you would if you knew. I didn’t do it because I figured I wouldn’t get caught. I’m jumpy thinking that you’ll figure it out; and like I said, I was all set to tell you. I didn’t do it because I don’t cherish my marriage. I always prided myself on being faithful to you. I don’t know what happened. All I did was comfort a nurse who was in pain because she received a Dear Jane letter. (I hope this doesn’t sound like one of those - I really do love you Peg). After that. . .I don’t know. I guess it was being so close to a warm body, and not doing anything since I left, that I don’t know. It’s hard to explain, but I felt more like I was watching than participating. I knew it was wrong; the whole time I wanted it to stop. But I couldn’t figure out how to. I wanted so much for it to be you. I would definitely deserve it for you to leave me. What I did was unforgivable. I don’t know why Hawkeye won’t let me tell you. It was a onetime thing that I can promise will never happen again, because I don’t want to go through it again, and I don’t want to put you through it again. Even though you won’t know what “it” is. Maybe Hawk’s right that I shouldn’t tell you. I mean, I feel horrible about it. But I don’t need to make you feel horrible about it either. If I had stopped loving you, then yes, I should tell you. If there was any chance it would happen again, then yes, I should tell you. But I don’t know, a onetime major mistake. . . If I were to tell you, you wouldn’t trust me again. You wouldn’t look at me again. You wouldn’t touch me again. But above all of that, you wouldn’t love me again. And Peg, you really are my whole world. I love you so much. I don’t know how it happened, and why I couldn’t stop it before it got too far. I tried showering and just scrubbing my skin until it felt raw. But that didn’t help. I still feel awful. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I pride myself on being faithful, so how could I do something like this? Why do I have to be here, so far away from you? If I had never left, this never would have happened. I hope that part of you does understand that and believe it.
After something like this, how do you convince your wife that it doesn’t mean that you’re breaking your wedding vows? How do you convince your wife that you’re not a womanizer? I swear, you’re my whole world. That hasn’t changed. In the grand scheme of things, nothing’s changed, unless we want it to. And I don’t. I really just want to forget that any of this ever happened. I love you so much darling, and I want nothing more than to be able to pull you into my arms and inhale the smell of you. I miss you so much Peg. There’s no other woman for me than you.
Hawkeye began reading over my shoulder. Normally this would anger me, but. . .this isn’t really to you, so who cares? He said, “See, you can see how much you love and care for her. But you send her this, she won’t see that. She’ll get to ‘Honey, I cheated on you’ and she won’t be able to see anything else. She loves you. I’m not saying you should lie to your wife. But I do believe it’ll never happen again. And BJ, as your best friend, I want to look out for you. I know you well enough to know that everything is second to Peg and Erin for you. I don’t want to see you ruin that. I understand that you want to be honest with your wife. But BJ, there’s no way you can write a letter like that and not have it sound like a Dear Jane letter. If, when the war is over, it’s still bothering you, and you really think it will help anything to tell her, wait until then. At least then she’ll have your facial expressions and your tone of voice to go off of. But, as much as she loves you, she won’t be able to truly sense just how sorry you are via a letter.” What he says makes sense, even if he is starting to get a bit anxious like me. I’m going to avoid the nurse, drink a little (I promise, I won’t go overboard) and basically just bury myself in work, and maybe then I’ll be able to get over it, and get back to being me.
I love you,
BJ
Letter #9
Letter #7
TITLE: Letters Home From Korea: From Quijonbu to Mill Valley, Letter #8
AUTHOR: willows_whiten/spell_divine
FANDOM: M*A*S*H
PAIRING: BJ/Peg
GENRE: Het
TABLE: #11: Song Titles A
PROMPT: 06. Sometimes Love is Never Enough @ 12_stories
RATING: PG
WORD COUNT: 1,048
SUMMARY: A bit dark and depressing. Another letter that Peg will never read (this time because Hawk won't let BJ send it).
WARNINGS: Partner betrayal (canon!!) [This is something I'd label as a spoiler if the show didn't go off the air 20 odd years ago].
NOTES: 1) I feel like BJ and Hawk's thoughts jump around a lot in this piece. BJ's makes sense, since I think he's so uncomfortable with the situation that he has a bad case of anxiety. Hawkeye I think was because I had a hard time writing him sane when BJ was anything but. However, my argument is that he's getting anxious that BJ isn't listening to him. 2) The reason for the mid-sentence stop is that this is the point where Hawkeye comes into the Swamp and finds out what BJ is up to (for those who have seen the show). 3) I hated writing this piece. So why did I write it? Because when I read the prompt it was the first scene that came to mind.
DISCLAIMER: If I owned these characters, or had been consulted by the original writers, this scene would never have been canon.
Dear Peggy,
I only call you that when I’m in trouble, don’t I? Well, I am, or at least I will be once
I promised Hawkeye I wouldn’t send this letter. In fact, he’s watching me to make sure I burn it. However, he did agree to allow me to write it to help me work through it. I’m still not sure I shouldn’t be sending this, but maybe the timing is off. But you’ve been so honest with me, and I feel like I’m lying by not saying anything. Hawk thinks I’ll just make things worse if I say anything to you. He also thinks that I just made a mistake, and that I didn’t ruin anything, but that I will if I send this letter.
Peg, I feel like such a louse. I truly feel horrible. First of all, I want to let you know: I truly love you. I really do. And I know that you’d believe that. Except, I think I did something that would make you change your mind and question the whole basis of our relationship. Maybe that’s why Hawkeye won’t let me tell you anything: There would be no way for me to gain your trust back or convince you that I’m the same. But I am.
You see. . .I slept with a nurse last night. I didn’t do it to make you hate me, though I’m sure you would if you knew. I didn’t do it because I figured I wouldn’t get caught. I’m jumpy thinking that you’ll figure it out; and like I said, I was all set to tell you. I didn’t do it because I don’t cherish my marriage. I always prided myself on being faithful to you. I don’t know what happened. All I did was comfort a nurse who was in pain because she received a Dear Jane letter. (I hope this doesn’t sound like one of those - I really do love you Peg). After that. . .I don’t know. I guess it was being so close to a warm body, and not doing anything since I left, that I don’t know. It’s hard to explain, but I felt more like I was watching than participating. I knew it was wrong; the whole time I wanted it to stop. But I couldn’t figure out how to. I wanted so much for it to be you. I would definitely deserve it for you to leave me. What I did was unforgivable. I don’t know why Hawkeye won’t let me tell you. It was a onetime thing that I can promise will never happen again, because I don’t want to go through it again, and I don’t want to put you through it again. Even though you won’t know what “it” is. Maybe Hawk’s right that I shouldn’t tell you. I mean, I feel horrible about it. But I don’t need to make you feel horrible about it either. If I had stopped loving you, then yes, I should tell you. If there was any chance it would happen again, then yes, I should tell you. But I don’t know, a onetime major mistake. . . If I were to tell you, you wouldn’t trust me again. You wouldn’t look at me again. You wouldn’t touch me again. But above all of that, you wouldn’t love me again. And Peg, you really are my whole world. I love you so much. I don’t know how it happened, and why I couldn’t stop it before it got too far. I tried showering and just scrubbing my skin until it felt raw. But that didn’t help. I still feel awful. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I pride myself on being faithful, so how could I do something like this? Why do I have to be here, so far away from you? If I had never left, this never would have happened. I hope that part of you does understand that and believe it.
After something like this, how do you convince your wife that it doesn’t mean that you’re breaking your wedding vows? How do you convince your wife that you’re not a womanizer? I swear, you’re my whole world. That hasn’t changed. In the grand scheme of things, nothing’s changed, unless we want it to. And I don’t. I really just want to forget that any of this ever happened. I love you so much darling, and I want nothing more than to be able to pull you into my arms and inhale the smell of you. I miss you so much Peg. There’s no other woman for me than you.
Hawkeye began reading over my shoulder. Normally this would anger me, but. . .this isn’t really to you, so who cares? He said, “See, you can see how much you love and care for her. But you send her this, she won’t see that. She’ll get to ‘Honey, I cheated on you’ and she won’t be able to see anything else. She loves you. I’m not saying you should lie to your wife. But I do believe it’ll never happen again. And BJ, as your best friend, I want to look out for you. I know you well enough to know that everything is second to Peg and Erin for you. I don’t want to see you ruin that. I understand that you want to be honest with your wife. But BJ, there’s no way you can write a letter like that and not have it sound like a Dear Jane letter. If, when the war is over, it’s still bothering you, and you really think it will help anything to tell her, wait until then. At least then she’ll have your facial expressions and your tone of voice to go off of. But, as much as she loves you, she won’t be able to truly sense just how sorry you are via a letter.” What he says makes sense, even if he is starting to get a bit anxious like me. I’m going to avoid the nurse, drink a little (I promise, I won’t go overboard) and basically just bury myself in work, and maybe then I’ll be able to get over it, and get back to being me.
I love you,
BJ
Letter #9