Immature (Child!Azula, Iroh)

[crystaldrake]

Title:  Immature

Word Count:  238

Characters: Child!Azula, Iroh

Rating: G

Warning: none

Summary: Iroh notices Azula’s mischievous behavior.

Notes: Written for fanfic_bakeoff

Comments

[pico_the_great]

Grammatically very clean, but - this isn't a story, it's an explanation. All we get is exposition: Iroh noticing, the text explaining the background, and Iroh noting "I'll tell her what's wrong with her." There's no plot, nor building of character - it simply explains what's already going on in canon.

What I would suggest, if you'd like to make it into a story - or even into a moment - is to take something the characters are doing, and expand on it. The lack of action is what I notice most. Instead of expositing that Azula is up to no good, have a scene of her - I don't know, pokeing Zuko's eye or something. Doing something mean, and Iroh noticing. then your exposition fits right in, but don't stop there: show what Iroh does about it. have him take her aside and give her advice. Put some dialogue in. Compare Zuko and Azula, or Lu Ten and Azula, or even Iroh and Azula.

In short: Certainly this piece is clean, but I'd recommend going further with it and adding some stuff happening.

[crystaldrake]

Thank you for the advice. I'll work on expanding on it.