I wore an alligator shirt to work today. You know the kind. Pull-over shirts that come in assorted colors and sizes, with a collar and two to three buttons down the neck, and a little green alligator strategically placed just above where your nipple is to prevent chafing, which would cause permanent damage as the material that is sewn in many ( Read more... )

In my travels, I have found that people are less likely to suspect you have farted if you make obvious flatulent noises with your mouth before, during, and after the offense. The instant you smell your work, you can shoot an accusing look at the first person you make eye contact with. Pointing at them and yelling "Did you fart" rounds off this ( Read more... )

I just finished cleaning the crap off the mushrooms the Gimpy Midget harvested earlier today. He didn't get the job, unfortunately, but there was lots of livestock at the circus, so he relieved some stink bombs of their blossoming shrooms. The circus was looney, not hiring such a resourceful guy like the Gimp. He got rejected from a great paying ( Read more... )

The Gimpy Midget is applying for a job today. He's a fine gymnast, but that doesn't pay the bills unless you win gold at the olympics. Hopefully he's able to get that job at the zoo feeding the lions.

I wet myself about three minutes ago. Its funny, I feel like I should be embarassed, but its actually quite comfortable.

So I was out jogging wearing my brand new hand-sewn tutu. I got this great pink fabric from a Marths Stewart catalog. It was discounted something like 75% last month, so I bought their whole stock. I figure she won't be selling much in the near future, so I might as well grab it all now while she's busy holding onto the state-issued soap ( Read more... )