Fic: Personnel Issues - Part 01
Title: Personnel Issues
Authors: sparking_off and pinkfairy727
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Tosh, Owen,
Warnings: Canon character death, swearing
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 36,300
Beta: etmuse
Summary: The Torchwood Three email newsletter: an excuse to gossip, bitch, plan dates, fight, and discuss squirrel rats.
Spoilers: For all of series 2.
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Newsletter no. 39
News
As I’m sure most of us have realised, Captain Harkness has now returned from being AWOL for three months. He will no doubt enjoy getting back to work, and I’m sure we will all help him with any adjustments he needs to make after his unauthorised absence.
John Hart’s arrival and subsequent disappearance means our Rift and temporal monitoring systems are having a quiet meltdown, but our excellent technician Toshiko is doing a remarkable job of getting everything back under control.
Three weevil sightings this week, one blowfish (on drugs), and only two sheep attacks reported - Myfanwy’s training continues.
Personnel issues
Gwen, I still haven’t received your holiday request form for your honeymoon; please can I have that as soon as possible, otherwise it won’t be authorised in time. In relation to that, I would like to point out to certain team members that I am not responsible for providing suits for the wedding, so Owen can go and get his own, thank you very much.
Jack, I’ve been forging your signature for the past three months so we’ve all been paid; you’ve been off-salary. You’ll need to sign forms 42-c and 43-a to be returned to the payroll.
Whoever has been feeding Myfanwy pizza will CEASE immediately or clean up the resulting mess themselves. You have been warned.
Inmates
Three weevils (Janet, Tyler and Marlene).
A Hoix (unnamed, because we’re hoping it’ll starve, quite frankly).
Fish tank (two new arrivals this week, there may have been more but I think they were eaten).
Squirrel rats (nine - one died, I think it was pining).
Four humans (Ianto, Gwen, Tosh & Owen).
One time-traveller, apparently.
Pteranodon (Myfanwy).
Mould (growing in the mugs Owen refuses to let me clean).
Miscellaneous
Tosh has lost a silver necklace with a locket. If found, please return to her.
Jack, you have a new mug, because the old one was broken.
Owen, for the last time, if you don’t put those mugs in the dishwasher I will classify them as a biological hazard and put them into containment boxes.
I shall be taking a day off this Friday. Please try not to destroy the Hub in my absence. Gwen has graciously volunteered to do the food rounds in my place.
* * *
To: Ianto , Tosh , Gwen
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Oi! I’ve told you before it’s not mould it’s flora. I’m trying to grow my own civilisation, with me as their supreme ruler. (And no, before anybody mentions it, I DID NOT get the idea from ‘Horton Hears A Who’!)
Last time I checked, Ianto, your job title was still ‘General Support Officer’. I find weddings traumatic, therefore, it is your job to support me through this dreadful time and one way you can do that is by picking me up a suit.
Also, how come Tosh managed to get the emails working, but I still can’t get onto YouTube or Facebook or anything bloody useful?! You need to get your priorities sorted, Tosh!
...I don’t think that Squirrel Rat died from pining. Just saying.
Gwen’s not on coffee rounds as well on Friday, is she? Because if she is, I’m calling in sick.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Owen, Ianto doesn’t have to support you outside work. I’m sure you’ll look very handsome in an actual suit for once. And the reason the email is working is because it’s necessary for work - Youtube and Facebook aren’t, although I think Ianto’s making a case for Youtube. It’s amazing the things that turn up on there from the general public.
I’m sorry, Ianto, I think it might have been me that let Myfanwy have pizza - not on purpose, only I had some leftovers out the other day and I think she might have stolen a slice. It was her or Owen, anyway.
Update on the computers: mostly fine, with a few hiccups. The Rift prediction software says it should be quiet for a few more days, so I should be able to get it all sorted out soon.
Enjoy your day off, Ianto - doing anything nice?
By the way, we’re out of pink wafer biscuits…
Tosh
Tech wizard. Don’t mess with me.
* * *
To: Ianto , Captain Jack , Tosh , Gwen
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
We’re also out of chocolate bonbons. And jelly babies. I think Gwen ate the last of the Kit-Kats as well.
You trying to say I don’t look handsome in my white coat, Tosh? I’ll have you know women all over the United Kingdom have swooned over this white coat.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
p.s. We’re also running low on jammy dodgers.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
There’s a shopping list attached to the fridge, you are all perfectly welcome to add to it. I’ll do a shop later, but I’ve got a few things to do first.
Owen, that is not flora, that is a hazard to everyone’s health. As you’ve correctly pointed out, my job is General Support Officer. Generally supporting the team means keeping you healthy, which does NOT include allowing you to keep coffee mould. It’s going.
Thanks, Tosh, just going to visit my sister.
Ianto
Coffee god.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Sorry Ianto, I’ll get that form done asap. I meant to have it done for two days ago, but what with Captain John and the blowfish and everything it must have slipped my mind.
Owen Harper that is a lie, you know I hate kit kats.
Tosh, have you seen my make-up bag? I thought I left it in the toilets but I couldn’t find it.
Gwen
Soon to be Mrs Williams!
* * *
To: Owen , Tosh , Ianto , Gwen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Gwen, I found your make-up bag in the kitchen, I’ve put it on your desk for you. Have you and Rhys set a date? You know, on some planets it’s custom for the groom to kiss all the unmarried men at the wedding. I was at this one wedding where they went even further and all the unmarried men, plus the groom and few bridesmaids, ended up in bed together. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Owen, don’t think I didn’t see that bit about the Squirrel Rat. I want to know EXACTLY what happened to it. My office, NOW.
Tosh, you’re doing a fantastic job as always. Keep it up. :)
Ianto, as fond as I was of the old mug I’m sure I’ll like the new one even more. Fancy staying back tonight and helping me with those forms? ;)
Captain Jack Harkness
Needs a new signature seeing as how Owen stole my original one.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Computers should be working normally again. Owen, you’ll be pleased to hear that access to Youtube has been reinstated, against my better judgement. You won’t be able to access your favourite porn sites, though.
Ianto, since you’re off tomorrow, could you get me some files from the archives before you leave tonight? I don’t need them today, but I don’t want to risk making a mess down there tomorrow looking for them!
Also, my locket has been found, thank you to whoever put it on my desk this morning.
Tosh
Tech wizard. Don’t mess with me.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
I’m suggesting a new rule for these newsletter emails. No emoticons. I hate the bloody things.
Gwen
Soon to be Mrs Williams!
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Sure, Tosh, just let me know which ones.
The biscuit tin is now fully stocked again. If it’s empty when I get in on Saturday, I will Not Be Happy.
And Jack? No.
Ianto
Coffee god, pissed off.
* * *
To: Owen , Tosh , Ianto , Gwen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Saturday then? Or Sunday night, I’m flexible ;)
Thanks again, Tosh. I’m sure I speak for us all when I tell you how grateful we are that we don’t have to listen to any more of Owen’s moaning.
Oh, and Owen? That report looks suspiciously like Solitaire from up here.
Captain Jack Harkness
Still needs a new signature. Any suggestions?
* * *
To: Ianto , Captain Jack , Tosh , Gwen
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Did you get my jelly babies?
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Owen - yes.
Jack - no and no.
I am now leaving the office. I won’t be back until Saturday morning and if you’ve all drowned in your own filth I won’t be sorry for you.
Ianto
Coffee god, very pissed off.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
It’s really quiet when Ianto’s not in, isn’t it? It’s weird, he’s so quiet himself!
Weevil sighting in Roath - Owen, up for it? Jack, we’ll handle it.
Gwen
Soon to be Mrs Williams!
* * *
To: Ianto , Captain Jack , Tosh , Gwen
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Just let me grab my coat. Tosh, you’re coming too. You’ve not moved from your desk in two days. Your...whatever it is you’re doing can wait.
Doctor Owen Harper.
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Owen , Tosh , Ianto , Gwen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Okay, just...be careful.
Captain Jack Harkness
Part 02
Authors: sparking_off and pinkfairy727
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Tosh, Owen,
Warnings: Canon character death, swearing
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 36,300
Beta: etmuse
Summary: The Torchwood Three email newsletter: an excuse to gossip, bitch, plan dates, fight, and discuss squirrel rats.
Spoilers: For all of series 2.
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Newsletter no. 39
News
As I’m sure most of us have realised, Captain Harkness has now returned from being AWOL for three months. He will no doubt enjoy getting back to work, and I’m sure we will all help him with any adjustments he needs to make after his unauthorised absence.
John Hart’s arrival and subsequent disappearance means our Rift and temporal monitoring systems are having a quiet meltdown, but our excellent technician Toshiko is doing a remarkable job of getting everything back under control.
Three weevil sightings this week, one blowfish (on drugs), and only two sheep attacks reported - Myfanwy’s training continues.
Personnel issues
Gwen, I still haven’t received your holiday request form for your honeymoon; please can I have that as soon as possible, otherwise it won’t be authorised in time. In relation to that, I would like to point out to certain team members that I am not responsible for providing suits for the wedding, so Owen can go and get his own, thank you very much.
Jack, I’ve been forging your signature for the past three months so we’ve all been paid; you’ve been off-salary. You’ll need to sign forms 42-c and 43-a to be returned to the payroll.
Whoever has been feeding Myfanwy pizza will CEASE immediately or clean up the resulting mess themselves. You have been warned.
Inmates
Three weevils (Janet, Tyler and Marlene).
A Hoix (unnamed, because we’re hoping it’ll starve, quite frankly).
Fish tank (two new arrivals this week, there may have been more but I think they were eaten).
Squirrel rats (nine - one died, I think it was pining).
Four humans (Ianto, Gwen, Tosh & Owen).
One time-traveller, apparently.
Pteranodon (Myfanwy).
Mould (growing in the mugs Owen refuses to let me clean).
Miscellaneous
Tosh has lost a silver necklace with a locket. If found, please return to her.
Jack, you have a new mug, because the old one was broken.
Owen, for the last time, if you don’t put those mugs in the dishwasher I will classify them as a biological hazard and put them into containment boxes.
I shall be taking a day off this Friday. Please try not to destroy the Hub in my absence. Gwen has graciously volunteered to do the food rounds in my place.
* * *
To: Ianto , Tosh , Gwen
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Oi! I’ve told you before it’s not mould it’s flora. I’m trying to grow my own civilisation, with me as their supreme ruler. (And no, before anybody mentions it, I DID NOT get the idea from ‘Horton Hears A Who’!)
Last time I checked, Ianto, your job title was still ‘General Support Officer’. I find weddings traumatic, therefore, it is your job to support me through this dreadful time and one way you can do that is by picking me up a suit.
Also, how come Tosh managed to get the emails working, but I still can’t get onto YouTube or Facebook or anything bloody useful?! You need to get your priorities sorted, Tosh!
...I don’t think that Squirrel Rat died from pining. Just saying.
Gwen’s not on coffee rounds as well on Friday, is she? Because if she is, I’m calling in sick.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Owen, Ianto doesn’t have to support you outside work. I’m sure you’ll look very handsome in an actual suit for once. And the reason the email is working is because it’s necessary for work - Youtube and Facebook aren’t, although I think Ianto’s making a case for Youtube. It’s amazing the things that turn up on there from the general public.
I’m sorry, Ianto, I think it might have been me that let Myfanwy have pizza - not on purpose, only I had some leftovers out the other day and I think she might have stolen a slice. It was her or Owen, anyway.
Update on the computers: mostly fine, with a few hiccups. The Rift prediction software says it should be quiet for a few more days, so I should be able to get it all sorted out soon.
Enjoy your day off, Ianto - doing anything nice?
By the way, we’re out of pink wafer biscuits…
Tosh
Tech wizard. Don’t mess with me.
* * *
To: Ianto , Captain Jack , Tosh , Gwen
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
We’re also out of chocolate bonbons. And jelly babies. I think Gwen ate the last of the Kit-Kats as well.
You trying to say I don’t look handsome in my white coat, Tosh? I’ll have you know women all over the United Kingdom have swooned over this white coat.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
p.s. We’re also running low on jammy dodgers.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
There’s a shopping list attached to the fridge, you are all perfectly welcome to add to it. I’ll do a shop later, but I’ve got a few things to do first.
Owen, that is not flora, that is a hazard to everyone’s health. As you’ve correctly pointed out, my job is General Support Officer. Generally supporting the team means keeping you healthy, which does NOT include allowing you to keep coffee mould. It’s going.
Thanks, Tosh, just going to visit my sister.
Ianto
Coffee god.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Sorry Ianto, I’ll get that form done asap. I meant to have it done for two days ago, but what with Captain John and the blowfish and everything it must have slipped my mind.
Owen Harper that is a lie, you know I hate kit kats.
Tosh, have you seen my make-up bag? I thought I left it in the toilets but I couldn’t find it.
Gwen
Soon to be Mrs Williams!
* * *
To: Owen , Tosh , Ianto , Gwen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Gwen, I found your make-up bag in the kitchen, I’ve put it on your desk for you. Have you and Rhys set a date? You know, on some planets it’s custom for the groom to kiss all the unmarried men at the wedding. I was at this one wedding where they went even further and all the unmarried men, plus the groom and few bridesmaids, ended up in bed together. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Owen, don’t think I didn’t see that bit about the Squirrel Rat. I want to know EXACTLY what happened to it. My office, NOW.
Tosh, you’re doing a fantastic job as always. Keep it up. :)
Ianto, as fond as I was of the old mug I’m sure I’ll like the new one even more. Fancy staying back tonight and helping me with those forms? ;)
Captain Jack Harkness
Needs a new signature seeing as how Owen stole my original one.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Computers should be working normally again. Owen, you’ll be pleased to hear that access to Youtube has been reinstated, against my better judgement. You won’t be able to access your favourite porn sites, though.
Ianto, since you’re off tomorrow, could you get me some files from the archives before you leave tonight? I don’t need them today, but I don’t want to risk making a mess down there tomorrow looking for them!
Also, my locket has been found, thank you to whoever put it on my desk this morning.
Tosh
Tech wizard. Don’t mess with me.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
I’m suggesting a new rule for these newsletter emails. No emoticons. I hate the bloody things.
Gwen
Soon to be Mrs Williams!
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Sure, Tosh, just let me know which ones.
The biscuit tin is now fully stocked again. If it’s empty when I get in on Saturday, I will Not Be Happy.
And Jack? No.
Ianto
Coffee god, pissed off.
* * *
To: Owen , Tosh , Ianto , Gwen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Saturday then? Or Sunday night, I’m flexible ;)
Thanks again, Tosh. I’m sure I speak for us all when I tell you how grateful we are that we don’t have to listen to any more of Owen’s moaning.
Oh, and Owen? That report looks suspiciously like Solitaire from up here.
Captain Jack Harkness
Still needs a new signature. Any suggestions?
* * *
To: Ianto , Captain Jack , Tosh , Gwen
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Did you get my jelly babies?
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Owen - yes.
Jack - no and no.
I am now leaving the office. I won’t be back until Saturday morning and if you’ve all drowned in your own filth I won’t be sorry for you.
Ianto
Coffee god, very pissed off.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
It’s really quiet when Ianto’s not in, isn’t it? It’s weird, he’s so quiet himself!
Weevil sighting in Roath - Owen, up for it? Jack, we’ll handle it.
Gwen
Soon to be Mrs Williams!
* * *
To: Ianto , Captain Jack , Tosh , Gwen
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Just let me grab my coat. Tosh, you’re coming too. You’ve not moved from your desk in two days. Your...whatever it is you’re doing can wait.
Doctor Owen Harper.
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Owen , Tosh , Ianto , Gwen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39
Okay, just...be careful.
Captain Jack Harkness
Part 02