[01/01] Something
title. Something
pairing. akame (je)
rating. r
summary. a shitty car, a rainstorm, an empty cabin and running around a lake. kame’s apartment, miso soup, a movie and a couch. kame and jin think they can come to terms with what was and what won’t be again.
author’s note. a while ago i requested that people comment with prompts so that i could write drabbles. one of them turned from one scene into an entire fic. therefore, dedicated to asinful. edited a lot less than it should have been, but i got excited.
word count. 06500
Kame tries to start the car again. "Crap."
He pulls out his cell phone.
And then notices there's no reception. "Crap."
"I told you we wouldn't make it to the next gas station," Jin murmurs from the passenger side seat, wakes just in time to see Kame violently attempt to start the car again. "You didn't believe me. You said your baby could go fifty kilometers once the light turned on and the tank read empty." He yawns and stretches, runs his hands through his hair.
"This is kilometer seventy-four," Kame clarifies. "We just happen to be in the middle of nowhere."
"That's why you were supposed to stop at the last gas station," Jin reasons. "Stupid." He smirks, looks at Kame out of the corner of his eyes.
"Stupid?"
"Young. Inexperienced. Stupid," Jin says haughtily, counts these things off on his fingers. "Shouldn't have let you drive."
"It's my car! You didn't want yours to get ruined in the country," Kame hisses.
"We should have just gone with Ueda! We're going to his lake house. He'd know the way to his house.” Jin pauses. “And when to stop for gas."
Kame looks at Jin. "Let's start hiking."
---
"This sucks." They are a few kilometers from the car when the clouds overhead turn a murky gray and the sky rumbles. "This really sucks," Jin deadpans, feeling the first drops of rain. He pulls the hood of his sweatshirt up. "We're going to drown in the middle of the woods because Kamenashi Kazuya was too fucking stubborn to stop for gas."
"That hood is ruining your hair, Akanishi. And stop walking behind me and kicking the heels of my shoes, because I swear to-" The sky rumbles and it starts to pour.
"What were you saying, Kamenashi?" Jin asks sweetly, and kicks him again.
---
The cabin is supposed to be used by campers. It is one big empty room (because campers have things like sleeping bags). The door doesn't lock and it is very drafty.
But it is dry and there are no leaks. There's a fireplace on one wall and dry wood stacked and kindling piled beside it.
Kame strips himself down to his boxers as Jin drips in front of the fireplace, stacking balled up newspaper and kindling and logs on top of that.
"Why so complicated?" Kame asks, has the door open and is wringing the excess water from his clothing outside.
"Because if you just use wood," Jin says, and lights the paper on fire, "then it won't start." He stands back to admire his handiwork. "It'll be a few minutes."
"Why not?" Kame asks, moves out of the way so that Jin can undress and wring his own clothes out. He begins to spread his shirt in front of the fireplace.
"I don't know. It just doesn't." Jin shrugs.
"Huh?"
"Didn't expect me to know something like that, Kamenashi?"
"Not really," Kame admits, and they're quiet as Jin spreads his clothes besides Kame's.
---
They lie beside the fireplace, ground hard on their backs. They've changed back into their clothes-dry and warm now-and it is still raining.
"You know, the forecast said it was supposed to rain for a couple of days," Kame says, suddenly.
"We can't stay here for that long," Jin says. "There's not that much wood. And we have to eat, and-"
"-for now, it's kind of nice though, right?" Kame asks, turns on his side to look at Jin. "Like, cozy."
Jin raises an eyebrow. "Cozy as in uncomfortable."
Kame laughs. "Sorry."
"Huh?"
"For not stopping at a gas station."
"Sorry," Jin says.
"For kicking me the entire time we were walking?" Kame asks.
"Among other things," Jin says, turns toward Kame and smiles. "Stuff," he says, and doesn't need to say what that stuff is. They both know.
Kame scoots away from Jin, a little bit, away from his warmth and the fireplace. "Ah," he says, and something flickers in his eyes. Worry, maybe. Anxiousness and fear.
"It's not-anymore. We're-" Jin's eyes widen. "I'm not-"
"I know." Kame cuts his stuttering off. He stands, hesitates before moving back to Jin’s side. He sits beside him, legs stretched in front of him. "I know. But like. You know. Sometimes. Sometimes. Like this. It seems comfortable, you know, because-" He struggles with his words too.
"I know." Jin says. And he sits up too, sits beside Kame with his knees to his chest, arms wrapped around them. "I know what you mean," he says.
"But there's nothing there," Kame says, a little confused. He looks at Jin. "I know there's nothing here anymore." One of his hands moves to touch his chest. "But like. It's familiar. And I remember it, so sometimes-"
"But I'd prefer if we didn't," Jin says, and he inhales sharply. "Because then things would just be more confusing. More-"
"It's over," Kame says, says it shortly, to the point. "It's over," he says, and shrugs.
"Yeah," Jin agrees, and looks at the fireplace. Because beside him, Kame looks troubled. Kame bites his lower lip and Kame has his hands fisted in the sleeves of his shirt. "Maybe just-" He stops himself.
"What?" Kame asks, looks at him.
"Maybe a little bit. It doesn't mean anything. So it's okay," Jin says it all very quickly, with one breath, in one rush.
"No," Kame says. "It's not okay." He stands, moves to add more logs to the flame. "How long do you think these will last?" He looks at the pile of wood.
"At least through the night," Jin says, blinks. He takes the change of subject in stride. "Why?"
Kame throws some logs into the flame. The lights of the fire dances on his face. "Just wondering," he says, and lies down on his back. "Good night." It's dark outside, but their phones only read 8PM.
"Sleeping already?" Jin asks, as Kame closes his eyes.
Kame doesn't answer.
He falls asleep pretty quickly, because what he remembers next is feeling something covering his body. He's groggy for a few moments, takes him that long to notice that Jin is sitting beside him, arranging his oversized sweatshirt so that it covers Kame's body. "What're you doing?" He asks.
"You were shivering," Jin explains, and moves away. He only wears a tee shirt now.
"I-no. It's fine." Kame feels light-headed, and he sits up, sweatshirt falling down his body.
"You need it more than me." Jin laughs, and lies down, back to Kame and face to the fire. Kame hears him yawn. "It's all right. I don't need it. I'm closer to the fire anyway."
Kame watches his back for a few moments. "Thanks, then," He says finally, lies back down. This is-
It's-
They-
He mulls it over forever, the idea in his mind, before he finally swallows. It's okay, he thinks, and moves closer to the other's body. Jin's breathing is steady, and Kame can tell he's asleep.
He presses against him, chest to the other's hard back. Kame curls his body so that it follows Jin's line, and he reaches a tentative hand out to feel the other's arm. It is warm. Jin was, maybe, right about not needing his sweatshirt.
"I told you," Kame hears Jin say, and he freezes. "You don't need to worry about me," Jin says, and Kame pulls away.
"Sorry," he says. They aren't supposed to do that. Jin turns toward him, and Kame shifts so that he lies on his back and looks at the ceiling. "Sorry," Kame repeats, and he's a little startled when Jin grasps his arm, tugs Kame back toward himself.
"It's okay," Jin says.
"It's not okay," Kame says, voice soft against the front of Jin's shirt. "You know that," he says, but doesn't move away.
---
They wake up with cricks in their necks. The fire is out, but so is the sun, and they are warm and dry. So they leave the cabin, find their way back to the road just as a pickup truck is coming in the direction that they’d been walking. The gas station, it so happens, is only a kilometer away from where they spent the night. They arrive at Ueda’s lake house a few hours later (because it turns out they'd taken a wrong turn or two or three before the car gave out).
---
"You missed it," Koki says, arms stretched behind his head. T-TUN is watching their missing letters eat breakfast (ravenously). "Yesterday's dinner was so good. What did you cook again, Ueda?"
"-he told us it was you, Jin." Junno laughs. "That's why you weren't here yet."
"Ueda! I could have die-"
"You're fine, aren't you?" Ueda says smoothly. "I knew that if Kame was there, you'd probably survive."
"It was a harrowing experience, right Kamenashi? Absolutely terrifying."
"It wasn't that bad," Kame says, and pushes his plate away. "Excuse me. He moves away from the dining table to the door. Everyone watches him until the door shuts behind him.
"What did you do wrong, Jin?” Maru asks.
Jin’s eyes widen. “Nothing!” The room is quiet, and everyone watches him like they don’t believe him. "Hey Ueda, make sure tonight's dinner to be better than the one we missed yesterday, okay?"
"I-" Ueda sighs as Jin pushes his plate away, stands and follows Kame outside. "Whatever," he says, and looks at the other three.
"We should leave them alone," Junno says, sounds suddenly serious, eyes piercing as he glances at the other two men through the glass door.
---
"Kame," Jin says, and stands beside him. Kame is looking at the lake. It's really pretty. A little wild because of the recent weather, though. The waves look more angry than peaceful.
"Here's your sweatshirt," Kame says, and takes it off, holds it out for the other to take. "We should probably get these clothes washed, anyway. Rainwater won't do them any good," he says, and laughs uneasily.
"About-"
"Forget it, Akanishi," Kame says. "We promised. Forget it."
---
They don't talk much for the rest of the day. There's an uneasy tension between them, and the other members give up on attempting to give them space for each other and simply try filling it in. Jin is distracted by Ueda teaching him some chords, and Kame plays video games with Koki, Junno, and Maru.
They go out to dinner that night, a steak house at a small, expensive hotel that shares the lake with Ueda's house. They talk, and the gray cloud that followed them after Jin and Kame’s arrival begins to melt away with each successive drink.
They are not the best of friends, the six of them, but they have a certain camaraderie that is difficult to overcome.
---
They are back by one-thirty in the morning. Jin and Kame share a room because they were the last two to arrive. Jin says that he can take the couch downstairs, but Ueda's disapproving glance kind of scares him.
"I can't forget it, Kame," Jin says as they undress. He watches the wall with the mirror and Kame watches the wall with the window (they stare at each other's reflections).
"It's not totally forgetting, Akanishi," Kame attempts to explain, pulls at his tie and unbuttons his shirt. "It's just never going to be again, you know? We've come to terms with that. So we shouldn't give in to false hopes or little trysts or whatever," he says, removes his shirt and shuts his eyes as Jin does the same.
"What am I? Some forbidden fruit or something?" Jin asks, mutters it mostly to himself, but Kame hears him.
"I've already tasted it," Kame quips with some amusement, but Jin knows that he's being serious. "Never again," he says.
"Does it taste bad?" Jin replies in jest, removes his pants and hangs them over a chair. "Ahh, that's horrible. Fruits are good." He laughs. "Or do you just pretend not to want it?"
Kame doesn't answer.
"Sorry," Jin says, eyes flickering downward. Talking about them, the past, a lot of things, is like playing with fire. "I was just-"
"-kidding. I know. I wasn't taking you seriously," Kame says, softly. He turns toward Jin and Jin looks at him in the mirror. His eyes are like that. Soft and serious at the same time. They're like that when he's confused, when he's trying to figure something out and can't.
"Okay," Jin says. "I can't believe you when your eyes are like that," he says, beneath his breath.
"Like what?" Kame asks, and Jin turns toward him. Kame stands between the two beds, arms folded.
"I don't know. Like when you're lying," Jin says, and shrugs. He makes his way to his bed-toes his way around Kame's stiff form. "I'm not going to argue with you though, you know?"
"Are you pulling passive-aggressive-"
"Shut up, Kame." Jin's voice sounds sour. "We can't discuss this because one of us always gets worked up. We're always okay until this comes up, and then everything goes south. So let's forget it, okay?"
Kame watches Jin lie back in bed, cover himself up to his chin with the comforter.
"I'm going for a jog," Kame says suddenly. He hears Jin pull the comforter down to his chest and sit up.
"Huh?"
"Running. I'm going running."
---
The air outside is damp and the sky is still black. The stars seem foggy and the moon slips in and out of focus behind clouds. Jin feels a breeze that rustles the trees and reminds him that it's supposed to rain. Kame stretches against a rail on the front patio and Jin pulls out his cell phone. It's nearly three in the morning.
"You're insane," he says, and looks in Kame's direction.
"This helps me relax. I would have just stayed up all night otherwise," Kame explains.
"This happens often?"
"When I worked a lot," Kame says as he stretches his quads. "Nobuta wo Produce and them Dreamboys and Sapuri-all of that. Debuting. I ran a lot." He stands up straight. "Ready?" He asks.
---
They run around the lake. In the beginning, Kame rattles off statistics. It's about ten kilometers in circumference. Jin keeps himself from balking, but he regrets eating and drinking so much that night and insisting on chaperoning Kame.
It's a few kilometers in, maybe two or maybe three, when he begins to understand what Kame means by relaxation. Their breathing and the fall of their feet is rhythmic. The cool air is welcome once he warms up. Jin breathes hard and his lungs burn, but he feels fucking alive.
They're almost halfway around when the sky rumbles and violent gusts of wind shake the trees. Jin feels the first drops of rain on his bare arms.
Together, they have the worst luck. The rain pours hard, dramatic sheets of rain that blow more horizontal than vertical. There's loud thunder and brilliant lightning. The lake comes alive, laps at the shore like it's trying to escape. It's not long before they're both soaked to the bone.
They pick up their pace, strides lengthening despite the extra weight they carry because of their saturated clothing and hair.
"I just got my second wind," Kame says loudly, over the wind and water. "How are you doing?" He asks, and looks at Jin.
"I see the house," Jin says, and pulls away from the other's side, hair plastered to his face.
He doesn't expect it-Kame reaching out to grab him by the sleeve. Kame doesn't pass Jin though, laughs too hard and nearly trips over his own feet. He uses Jin to break his fall and Jin is shoved hard against a tree. Jin has the wind knocked out of him as Kame slams against his back.
Jin gasps for air. He feels the bark on his hands, wet and rough. He pushes himself off but Kame is still clinging to his back. He can feel his chest heaving.
"Fuck," Kame says, and is still laughing. "Sorry." He moves back, pulls the other by his shirt so that they face one another. "I didn't expect that." Jin can see his wide grin in the darkness, and he fights the urge to push Kame's hair out of his face.
They stand like that beneath the protective canopy of the tree, breathing deep desperate breaths and shivering a little from the cold. Jin leans his head against the trunk, looks up through the branches to capture a sliver of the moon. He swallows hard.
When he looks back down, Kame is looking up at him. Expectantly, maybe. Afraid, maybe. One of Kame's hands reaches up to cup his neck. It's cold and wet and moves up to his cheek. It's shaking.
"Adrenaline," Kame explains, and his other hand cups Jin's other cheek. "It's adrenaline," he explains, and pulls Jin's face in so that their mouths meet.
Jin's hands fall to Kame's hips. His fingers hook themselves on the waistband of the other's shorts, pull him in so that their bodies meet and share whatever core heat is left. Kame pushes against him, his mouth sucking on Jin's lower lip and his thumbs tracing patterns beneath Jin's eyes.
Kame pulls away first, entire body trembling. "Let's go inside," he says, and grabs one of Jin's wrists. He pulls him toward the house, brings the other’s wrist up to his lips to suck at the skin, to lick the water droplets.
"Kame," Jin says, and Kame doesn’t look back, but he can see Jin’s eyes widening in his head. "Kame, this-" Jin stutters and his teeth chatter a little. It's cold. "This is-you-" He swallows hard.
"Shut up, Jin," Kame says against his wrist, lets it go to fumble for the keys. It takes him a few moments to open the door. His body shakes and his teeth chatter too, and Jin's big hands start to massage his shoulders, loosen the tight muscles there.
---
"Shower," Kame says when they finally make it into the bedroom, and Jin's hands are on his hips, pushing him backwards toward the bathroom. They trip a little over a chair and Kame hands fist in Jin's hair. Jin is laughing against his neck and Kame gasps for air.
"Sorry," Jin breathes.
"Shut up," Kame replies, and presses their lips together. "Shut up or they'll wake up," he says, and lets out a groan as he's shoved against the glass sliding door of the bath. He shuts his eyes and hears Jin close the door behind them, flip on the light switch and work on pulling at Kame's clothes.
The water's hot, scalding almost, and Kame hisses when it touches his freezing skin. Jin's hands are in his hair, one of his thighs pressed between his legs. The glass door rattles when he's pushed back against it.
Jin's lips are on his and his eyes are open. Kame's eyes are open too, and watching Jin watch him, watching Jin pull back and lick his lips, lean in again to nip at his bottom lip and feel the moan low in his throat.
"We should slow down," Jin mumbles against the corner of Kame’s lips. "We should slow down," he says, "but you drive me fucking insane." He presses against Kame's body, reaches between them and wraps his hand around the other's cock.
"That means you're not slowing down, right?" Kame asks, arches against Jin.
There's no answer, or Kame doesn't hear it, because Jin kneels down in front of him, dark wet hair framing his face as his lips hover near Kame's length. Kame can feel the steady pour of hot water, the other's breath on his cock.
And when Jin finally presses his lips against the tip, when Jin finally takes him in his mouth, Kame leans back against the glass door, tries not to push into Jin's mouth.
---
Afterwards, they sit at the bottom of the bath beneath a lukewarm spray. Kame leans against the glass, knees pulled to his chest, and Jin kneels in front of him, hands on either of Kame's cheeks and pressing their lips softly like that.
It's slow now, soft. Jin's tongue laps at his bottom lip, moves lazily against the corners of his mouth. And Kame's hands are in Jin's hair, pulling him closer so that all they can breathe is each other.
"What is this, Kazuya?" Jin asks once after he pulls away, sits back on the heels of his feet.
"Fuck, I don't know," Kame replies, even though he's pretty sure that Jin only asks him because he's supposed to have all the answers.
---
When Jin wakes up, he hears the shower running. He sits up in bed, stretches his limbs and lets the blankets fall from his naked body. He can see steam coming from beneath the door. The night before comes rushing back to him-coming back from dinner, running in the storm, coming back to the room and the shower.
They’d talked a little after that, collapsing in bed together. Their voices were soft and slurred from exhaustion, the adrenaline wearing off. Jin’s head was pressed against Kame’s chest and Kame was playing with his damp hair. They’d babbled about what had happened, what they expected to happen next.
Neither of them really knew.
“I don’t know what I feel right now,” Kame had said, fingers sliding through the tangles of Jin’s hair. “I want to believe it’s nothing,” he’d admitted bluntly. “Because all this does is end up hurting, because-” and his voice had cracked on that last word. And Jin could hear his shaky breath-“Because we resolved it was nothing, and to take that all back, to allow any of this-is fucking scary.”
“Do you believe it’s nothing?” Jin asked. He didn’t know what he though either. He was barely able to keep his eyes focused at that particular moment.
“It’s nothing and everything,” Kame replied. “We’re a fucking paradox.”
Jin is snapped out of his flashback by Kame opening the bathroom door. He steps out of the gray steam and Jin can smell his shampoo and soap from the bed. The other rubs at his head vigorously with a towel. He watches Jin watch him. “Good morning.”
Jin looks at the alarm clock. It’s nearly four in the afternoon.
“How are you doing?” Kame asks, and his voice sounds different, a little coarser and a little rougher. He moves to the other side of the room, toward his duffel bag and the clothing that remains half-packed.
“Still tired,” Jin replies, and flops down on his back. “Where is everyone?” He asks.
“Fishing downriver. If you want to go out with them, they said to text. They’ll come pick you up.”
“What about you?” Jin asks
“Not going,” Kame says, and lets out a cough that makes Jin wince.
“What are you doing? Sitting around?”
“I have to go,” Kame says, and Jin hears the zipper on the bag. “I have to meet with the director for that new drama. Tomorrow morning, so I’ll be going back to Tokyo.”
“Now?” Jin asks. He sits up and looks in Kame’s direction. Kame is still getting dressed, and Jin’s eyes follow the line of the other’s back down to the waistband of his boxers. “Why didn’t you say anything before?”
“On the way here, I did. I don’t think you were listening.”
Jin doesn’t hesitate. “I’ll go back to Tokyo with you,” he says, stands and moves toward his own bag. “I’ll be ready to go in like two minutes. I just have to get dressed and get all of my things.” He fumbles with a pair of boxes, knocks his hip against a corner of the bureau as he tugs them on.
“Stay here,” Kame says. His tone is softly commanding. “Have fun, stupid. I don’t need you to chaperone me back home.” He lets out another wretched cough, tries to hide it behind a look of bemusement as he watches Jin get dressed.
“What if you get lost on the way back?” Jin asks, pauses. “And what the hell is up with that cough?”
“First,” Kame says, and picks up his bag. “You got us lost.” He attempts to squeeze past Jin, between his body and the bed. “Second, it’s nothing. Now get out of the way.” He wrestles against one of Jin’s outstretched arms.
“Wait a second!” Jin squawks, moves so that his entire body blocks the space. “Two seconds. I just need a shirt.” He pushes Kame back with one arm, searches his bag with his free hand.
---
Kame’s in such a hurry to leave that they forget about their rumbling stomachs until they reach a rural town with a name that neither of them recognizes. They stop off at a little noodle place. The food is cheap and Jin is surprised that it tastes as good as it does.
“Why aren’t you eating?” Jin asks, looks over at Kame’s full bowl. “It’s good, you know.”
“Not hungry,” Kame replies. He looks outside. The mountaintops are hidden by a pink and orange mist. The sun is setting.
“Did you eat before we left Ueda’s?” Jin signals for the check.
“No.”
“Is it because you’re thinking of us?” Jin is surprised at his own bluntness.
“It’s nothing,” Kame says, grabs the check before Jin ahs the chance. “Let’s go.” He pulls some bills from his wallet and throws them on the table.
“Maybe,” Jin murmurs, as they walk out of that shop together. “Maybe it’s everything. Or at least something.” Kame hears him, but his eyes look at those mountains.
“Let’s go,” he repeats.
---
“You’re burning up,” Jin says, pulls his hand away from Kame’s forehead. They’re at a gas station halfway to Tokyo. “Let me drive. I don’t trust you.” He laughs.
“Do you want to drive the rest of the way?” Kame asks, unbuckles his seatbelt without waiting for an answer. “You hate driving long distances.”
“When I’m the one who looks like shit,” Jin says as they switch seats, “then you can worry about me.”
“Can’t help it, Akanishi.” Kame laughs. “Your existence makes me worry.”
“Sorry.”
“I sound like your mother, probably,” Kame says, leans his seat back and turns his back to Jin.
Kame closes his eyes and is about to drift off to sleep before Jin answers, “It’s okay.”
---
It’s very dark outside by the time they are back in Tokyo, by the time Jin parks Kame’s car and gently shakes him awake.
“I’ll bring your bags up,” Jin says when Kame looks up at him groggily. His hair sticks out in all directions. “We’re at your complex,” he says. “Do you feel better now?”
Kame blinks blearily, and he yawns as he stretches his arms. “I’ll be okay once I get upstairs, I think,” he says, but his wretched cough says otherwise. “Maybe medicine and some rest. I can get my bags so don’t worry about that. And I’ll call a cab so you can get home-”
“Worry about me when I’m the sick one,” Jin says, and Kame laughs at that.
“Remember?” He asks. “I always worry about you.”
---
Kame’s apartment is lived-in clean. Some clothing is strewn here and there, but the kitchen is pretty spotless and everything looks organized.
“You can put my bag in the hallway,” Jin says, shuffles toward the refrigerator. “Want something? Water? Beer?”
“No,” Jin says, and follows Kame into the kitchen. He sits at the table a little awkwardly, watches Kame chug a bottle of water. He spots the kettle and teapot. “I’ll make tea,” he says, and stands.
Kame jerks the water away from his mouth and some of it sprays across the tile flooring. “It’s fine,” he says quickly. HE coughs a little violently and his voice is hoarse. “I mean, if you want some, I’ll make it. But I’m okay.” He pauses and looks at Jin, eyebrows furrowed. “Want me to call a cab?”
“Are you all right alone?”
“I told you, Akanishi.” Kame moves toward the other. His eyes lose focus and he reaches out to steady himself on the table. “I’m all right,” he says, but everything lurches and tilts and turns black.
---
He opens his eyes to see a head of dark hair. He’s in bed and he’s dressed in a t-shirt and boxers. The person beside him stirs a little, coughs before looking up at Kame drowsily.
“Is it morning?” Jin asks, and Kame looks at his nightstand. It’s nearly nine, and he panics-his meeting was supposed to be at eight.
He throws the covers from his body, tries to think of where he put his phone. He stands, but everything goes out of focus again and he has to grab the bed for support. “Fuck, Akanishi,” he says, looks at other. “I know you’re trying to help me out, but I’m about an hour late for my meeting, and-”
“I took care of it. Get back in bed before you fall over.”
“Really?”
“They’re not happy, but you can’t go anywhere, right? It’s rescheduled. Get back in bed.”
“What are you doing there?”
“Sharing body heat,” Jin replies cheekily, grin appearing on his face. It disappears when he sees Kame’s eyes narrow, and he sits up looking serious and grabs Kame’s wrist, pulls him so his legs bump against the mattress and he falls to sit on the edge.
“What’re you doing?”
“Get back in bed, Kazuya,” Jin says.
“What are you doing here?” Kame pulls his wrist away. “What do you want?” His head throbs. They’re going in circles.
“I’m here because I’m not going to leave my friend alone when he’s sick,” Jin says. “And I don’t know what I want.”
“Why not?” Kame asks. “You’re working toward something, aren’t you? It’s stupid to crawl into bed with a sick person-with a healthy person while he’s asleep-”
“I’m trying to figure it out,” Jin hisses, and Kame is taken by surprise. “I’m trying to figure out if I want to fuck you because I need to get laid or if I want to hold you because there’s something here.” And he holds one hand over his heart.
Kame has a soft spot for emotional words and romantic fantasies. For a moment, he believes that this is almost right-that there might be something left over from then, something that is manifesting itself now. For a moment, he believes that this could work, that maybe what they thought was nothing is actually something.
For a moment.
“If you don’t know then you have to go with the negative, right?” Kame asks, and his lips form a grim line.
“Is the negative nothing or something?” Jin asks, and his eyes are hard. “Is it nothing?”
“It’s nothing,” Kame confirms.
“So I just want to fuck you?” Jin asks, and reaches out to grip Kame’s wrist again.
“How would I know?” Kame asks, and pulls back. Jin moves forward on his knees, close enough that Kame can feel his breath on his ear.
“This is nothing,” Jin says, and Kame wants to stand and leave. “We can play around if it’s like that, Kamenashi.” His voice is laced with sex and promises. Kame feels suddenly heady, and when he opens his mouth to speak, Jin leans farther forward and presses their lips together.
It’s not desperate. It’s languid and slow like on the floor of the bath, Jin’s tongue running smoothly against Kame’s lower lip. Jin’s hand is on his cheek and then Jin’s and is up his shirt. Jin’s hands set Kame’s skin on fire and Kame moves so that he can lie on his back and Jin straddles his hips.
“So this is okay now?” Jin asks.
Kame opens his mouth to answer again, but Jin’s lips are on his neck and his hands grip his sides. And Kame feels friction, teasing and deliberate, and only a low moan comes from deep in his throat.
“I fucking hate you, Kamenashi,” Jin whispers against his neck, and Kame closes his eyes and his hands find the hem of Jin’s shirt. He grips the other’s back, digs his nails in and revels in the hissing.
“This is nothing,” Kame says. He believes it.
“If this weren’t nothing,” Jin says, and he lifts his head. “I’d be more concerned with taking care of you than fucking you.”
And Kame feels cold when Jin stands up and leaves the room.
---
Jin never knows what to do when Kame is concerned. Any logic he has flies out the window replaced with something primitively argumentative. He becomes someone who has trouble with control, with keeping himself and his words in check.
But, he thinks, he’s becoming better at it, not throwing away adult-like responsibilities in favor of child-like capriciousness. Maybe now he can handle himself, maybe now he isn’t someone who is awkward and frustrated and flustered. And he thinks he can see with some clarity-what he wants and what he can have. Jin feels lucid, free and clear. He sings to himself as he follows directions for making packaged miso he found in one of Kame’s cabinets.
This is something. They have something. But a part of Jin is rational. Even if this isn’t nothing, how plausible is it? How successful could it be? And how sure is Jin that it is something, anyway? After all they’ve been through recently, of course it seems as though there is something.
The heart is fickle and can be easily tricked. Its ideals can change with one quick beat.
Yet this is different (This is different).
“This is different,” Jin says aloud, and Kame watches him from the doorway, a hand resting against the frame.
“What is?”
Jin swallows and his entire theory falls to pieces. He no longer believes that he can control himself and his sensations, no longer believes that he can articulate what he wants to say and what he believes. His heart and mind abandon him, and he is a fit of confusion, his emotions vague. “Your miso brand is different from the one I buy,” he says lamely.
“Ah,” Kame says, and sits at the kitchen table. His head is in his hands and his elbows rest on the table. “Sorry for this, being sick,” he says. “But you should go home, really.”
Jin’s heart warms, peeks from the shadows at Kame. “You know I’m not going to leave,” he says.
“You’re so stubborn,” Kame murmurs, just as the miso begins to boil over.
---
After the miso soup, Kame tells Jin that he has an American DVD that a friend leant to him. Jin is welcome to watch it with him, and Jin feels some satisfaction in Kame’s acceptance of his presence.
Their shoulders and elbows and thighs press together as they watch the DVD. Jin insists that they watch it without the subtitles, and Kame obeys without protest. He attempts to pronounce the words, to repeat the fast syllables, and his Rs turn into Ls and everything just sounds muddled and strange. Jin laughs at Kame’s failure and tries to translate, but it’s too hard to keep up and together, they make up their own script.
They huddle under a blanket that Jin retrieves when he remembers that Kame is supposed to be in bed and resting, when he remembers that Kame’s health is definitely not one hundred percent. And Kame falls asleep on Jin’s shoulder, blanket pulled up to his neck.
---
Jin wakes up sprawled awkwardly, with a crick in his neck and sore, cramped muscles. He watches Kame, moves hair out of the others face and presses a hand against his forehead. It’s not as hot as before.
Kame wakes up a little bit after that, sees Jin watching him and feels strange-not in the way that sickness makes his stomach churn, but in a way that makes his heart skip a beat.
It might be something, he thinks again, and the moment lasts a little longer than the last time.
“Good morning,” Kame says, though he has no idea what time it is or even what day. Time’s been indistinct since the return to his apartment.
“Good morning,” Jin says, rests a hand against Kame’s cheek. They are pressed tightly together, Kame threatening to fall over the edge of the couch, one arm looped around Jin’s side and the other folded beneath his own head. Their legs are tangled together and in the blankets. Kame yawns and presses closer.
“You’re warm,” he says, and makes a noise of discomfort when Jin begins to shift onto his back. Kame has to move to accommodate, and half of his body is draped over Jin’s. “It’s harder to fit this way, you know,” he says, and Jin’s eyes are dark and his mouth curves strangely. His face looks like that when he’s about to do something reckless, a little bit bold.
“You could lie on top of me,” Jin suggests, and Kame moves, lies on his stomach on Jin lying on his back and rests his head against the other’s chest, loops his arms around his neck.
“This is nice,” Kame says, and Jin feels breath on his neck.
And then Kame feels Jin’s hands on his lower back, shifts up so that they are at eyelevel.
“I want this to be something,” Jin says. His words come out in a rush, tangled and fast.
Kame leans in and kisses him, presses his lips against Jin’s and nibbles at the other’s lower lip. “It can’t be,” he says. “Even if we want it to be something, it won’t work.”
Jin’s turns his head away, rubs his hands over Kame’s back. “I can’t do this,” he says. “I can’t do this if this is like that.”
“It’s the same as then, right?” Kame asks, swallows thickly. “And the answer is still the same.”
“Can’t do this,” Jin repeats, and looks up at the ceiling. “It’s like that.”
“We have to pretend this is nothing,” Kame says. “Don’t let it become something. Or don’t remember that it’s-”
“I hate this game,” Jin says, loudly, angry, and Kame sits up, straddles his hips.
“Sorry,” Kame says. “Sorry, you know. Sorry,” he repeats. It’s not really his fault, but he’s sorry anyway. It hurts him too. He’s just better at not remembering that.
“I’m leaving,” Jin says, and Kame stands. Jin stands and they stand and they don’t say anything. Kame helps Jin find his things throughout the apartment-his toothbrush beside the sink and some of his clothing on the floor beside the bed.
They stand at the door.
“It’s nothing,” Kame says.
“Absolutely,” Jin replies.
2007.11.13 → 2007.12.08 // tl;dr notes.