One Piece: Bound For Glory - Chapter 12, Part 2
SOS: Unfortunately, despite my hopes, the main cast is STILL. FUCKING. ALIVE. No explanation given, of course.
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 8
To just to make this revelation even better, the Stuthor decides to throw THREE CONSECUTIVE ONOMATOPOEIAS in the very first sentence of this part.
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 14
And then, because he isn’t being disgusting enough yet, he tries his hand at FANSERVICE. With his style of prose, I’m sure you can imagine the outcome.
And great job completely missing the point of the fanservice in One Piece, too! Here, look:
That moment? That was legitimately FANGIRL-WORTHY. But it’s not fangirl-worthy JUST because Zoro got shirtless and bloody. It takes a lot more than that.
That moment was an epic show of camaraderie and friendship, the lengths he’d go to, to save his friend. That moment was a display of the utmost loyalty towards his Captain, and consideration too, towards his crewmates. That moment was a symbol of selflessness, of sacrifice, and quiet, dignified suffering for the sake of others. That moment was emotional, thematically important, and was a great tribute to the values of One Piece…and it was BADASS to boot! Zoro had just finished fighting SEVERAL opponents, was already injured, and was facing someone he knew he had no chance against. He still got up there and stood up for his captain, and subjected himself to god knows what kind of pain willingly because it might make Luffy’s life easier.
There’s absolutely none of that here. Chase isn’t freaking fighting for the sake of David, because what David needs now isn’t for him to defeat Broly, but to get proper medical attention. And even his fight with Broly was just…pathetic. Even with his utter…blankness, we could still tell that Kuma was impressed by Zoro’s courage and fortitude. Here, all Broly displays towards Chase is contempt and distain.
Add to that the fact that Chase is a fucking mass-murderer, this scene only succeeded in pissing me off. I can’t even say I enjoyed watching him beaten to a bloody pulp, because I know that nothing will come of this.
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 9
Apparently, the Stuthor sensed my newfound admiration for Kit in the last chapter, because he has Kit look at Chase in fucking AWE, because it’s OH SO AMAZING that he passed out for half of a fucking chapter. When KIT was the person who came the closest to what appears to be their goal - killing Broly. And when KIT survived a direct hit that was FAR more powerful than anything Chase had been subject to, and came out with much less injuries - hell, even her clothes were intact.
Hell, pretty much EVERY single crew member recovers and gets back up in this chapter, and yet ONLY Chase got the awe, because he’s the fucking Head Stu.
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 15
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 10 (Yeah, yeah, she’s awesome, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t get a point.)
Of course, my prediction comes true, and Chase is PERFECTLY ALRIGHT. So alright that he taunts Broly to ‘do it again’ and grins at him. So, why should I be impressed by his survival if the attack was apparently so weak that he’s not even fazed? Or should I ask how he managed to recover so quickly when ONE SENTENCE AGO, he couldn’t even breathe properly?
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 11
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 15
And I get that you think taunting villains automatically make you badass, even though most of the time it just makes your Stus look fucking STUPID. Like how Chase was so wimpy that he couldn’t even lay a single finger on Broly the first time around, and yet he’s still standing around taunting him. That’s not badass. That’s BEING A DUMBASS. He has no reason to suspect that he could win this time around, when he’s at even more of a disadvantage, what with being injured and having the rest of the crew knocked out. In any real universe, Broly would glance at him once, snort, then just leave, because he’s not worth the effort.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 37
Even worse, when Broly attacks, it won’t just be Chase that will be injured. The entire rest of his crew is lying somewhere nearby, and if Broly listen to him and smote him, then they WILL get dragged into the attack, because nukes tend to have a very large range. He’s not just putting his own life in danger for the sake of showing off; he’s endangering the entirety of his CREWMATES to show off, including his CAPTAIN. Sure, we all know the Stuthor is too wimpy to actually hurt anyone, but HE DOESN’T. For all he knows, he’s just provoked Broly into murdering them all, and he doesn’t give a SINGLE SHIT.
SOCIOPATHY: 3
Broly does indeed take him up on his invitation, though he still uses only a pathetically standard attack, because Chase isn’t worth the effort. Though, of course, the Stuthor doesn’t write it that way. No, apparently, we’re meant to be all ooh and aah-ing over the attack, because it’s SOOOOO impressive.
Yeah, no. It’s fucking not. We’ve seen him use ‘nuke fist’ before, and it doesn’t do SHIT. In fact, none of his attacks do shit because you’re too wimpy to let them do anything. Screw you.
COCKFIST: 2
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 16
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 16
Chase…abuses the Stuthor’s lack of knowledge concerning EVERYTHING and makes a phoenix out of lightning. Because, you know, that’s EXACTLY how lightning worked. It’s just blue aura-y stuff that you can shape into whatever you wanted.
That said, how big is ‘phoenix-sized’ anyways? Phoenixes are mythological creatures that have been represented in a variety of ways throughout media, and as such, the readers won’t have any idea how big it is supposed to be in this particular universe unless you TELL us!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 39
‘Broly just cackled as his fist was actually somewhat challenged.’
What the HELL does that even mean? We’ve seen him casually touch lightning and be completely unaffected before! He wasn’t even fazed by it! So why is he challenged here? Is he vulnerable to lightning or NOT? Choose one and stick with it, PLEASE.
And Stuthor, have you noticed something about the really fucking powerful Devil Fruits in One Piece? Oh yeah, THEY ALL HAVE ONE GLARING FLAW! Crocodile was screwed if he came close to water. Eneru’s weakness was non-conductive material. Even Luffy is especially vulnerable to sharp weapons! ALL OF THEM HAVE ONE VERY OBVIOUS FLAW THAT COULD BE EXPLOITED IN BATTLE! You know why? Because it encourages the opponent to try out new tactics to make the fight interesting, AND it prompts them to try out unique tactics to compensate for their weakness. THE FLAWS ARE WHAT MADE THE FIGHTS INTERESTING!
When you removed that, you basically doomed yourself to repetition, because there’s no longer anything distinguishing the fights from each other - all the villains and heroes use one tactic and one tactic only: attack, attack, attack! And that gets old REALLY fast.
You don’t have to make someone utterly invulnerable to make them STRONG. In fact, it’s their ability to overcome their weakness that makes them strong in the first place!
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 12
Somehow, by using an attack that’s already been shown to be ineffective against him, Chase has proven his worth to Broly, who says that Chase has ‘potential’. Potential for what I can’t tell. Is lightning sculpting a popular career choice in One Piece?
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 16
It turns out that, somehow, Chase has actually managed to make lightning into a SOLID, because he’s stopped Broly in his way and is ‘struggling to hold his ground’. Which, admittedly, is impressive, but ALSO MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE! That’s not how lightning fucking WORKS! Devil Fruit powers are interesting because, most of the time, they initially appear completely USELESS, and you have to come up with all kinds of insane tactics to make them even applicable in combat! It’s all about CREATIVITY! Like I said before, making EVERY SINGLE Devil Fruit power all-encompassing is not going to make your fight scene stronger!
…Wait, why is he even struggling to hold his ground here? Even if Broly broke through his lightning wall or something, he still wouldn’t be pushed back! He’s not exactly WRESTLING with Broly here, I don’t think you can use those terms. And even on a psychological level, it’s just one bird-sized lightning blast, what’s so draining about it? We’ve seen Avery maintain strong gales for days on end, and he was mostly okay! …Wow, Chase must be a wimp.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 40
Chase has the balls to be annoyed that Broly is ‘toying with him’. Dude, you haven’t exactly given him a REASON to respect you, you know. Maybe if you did half the damage Kit had done to him, I might be forgiving enough to concede that you’re not a godawful fighter.
Broly agrees with me for once and dispatches Chase…by using a Nuke Grenade, which, might I remind you, these people have survived several times already with no ill effects.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 17
He even takes the care of use his OTHER arm, because apparently, it would just be RUDE to break off engagement. And wait a minute, I thought the lightning-phoenix Chase created somehow magically neutralised Broly’s nuke fist thing, because there was no explosion? Would the bird shield him against nukes or not? How come one attack works and the other doesn’t, when they’re based off the exact same principle?
Instead of filling in the plot holes (like he’s ever bothered with that), the Stuthor chooses instead to describe in intricate detail an attack we’ve already seen in action several times. Nice priorities.
Desperate to save face, Chase tries to make his humiliating defeat look like a Heroic Sacrifice and shields Kit against the grenade with his back. Yeah, dude, she survived a blast that could be seen on the literally other side of the world - and with so little injuries that she wasn’t even out of breath. I don’t think she needs your help.
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 16
Then the Stuthor tries his hand at writing an epic tragedy, with Case going out with a smile and all…which fails even harder because we all fucking know nothing is going to fucking happen.
Even worse, Chase’s supposed “last words” are, ‘"Haha...he's strong."’
That is the sort of acknowledgement you give to a Worthy Opponent, an equal in strength. And dude, you’ve tried to attack Broly twice, and both times, the fight lasted barely a quarter of a page. That’s mook level. You have no right to act as if you’re a wise old mentor testing him on his freaking strength, because he’s pwned you effortlessly every time you even TRIED to go up against him. And spouting nonsense to save your face just before he kicks your ass to oblivion isn’t going to make us think you’re any more badass.
You’re still a snivelling, cowardly weakling no matter what you do.
And isn’t it SO interesting that as soon as a single male is conscious again, the women automatically completely withdraw from the fight? Even though it’s clear that Kit is much less injured that Chase, and more suited to fighting Broly (her attacks may be less effective, but at least they still hurt Broly, whereas he’s completely invulnerable to lightning), she still does nothing but sit on the sidelines and cry out Chase’s name at suitably dramatic moments.
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 17
And no, I’m not thinking too much about this, because in the very next sentence, Avery tells Kit to take care of Chase while he tries to attach Broly. Because it’s not like he’d tried that before already and had his ass handed to him. And it’s not like Kit is the only one there who had the ability to injure Broly at all! Nope, as soon as the MEN are awake, she’s immediately shunted to the side, because girls have COOTIES.
For the cherry on top, Avery refuses to even call her by her name, instead dismissing her as ‘woman’.
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 19
Broly voices my aggravation and dismisses Avery right back with a ‘You again..’ And he has good reason to do so, too, as Avery decides to use the EXACT same attack that failed before - blowing Broly with a strong gust of wind, because messing someone’s hair up is the same as killing them! He tries to offset how pathetic that attack was by accompanying it with an elaborate gesture, but that just makes him look even more idiotic.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 18
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 17
However, Broly immediately loses any awesome points he may have gained, by reacting to such a stupidly inept attack by creating an ‘explosion shield’ (because don’t you know, that’s EXACTLY how explosions work). What, did you honestly think a strong gust of wind would kill you or something?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 41
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 18
The shield explodes (wait, does it ALWAYS explode at something as small as particularly high wind speeds? Because that would be really fucking inconvenient, especially when you’re surrounded by your allies), and then, SOMEHOW, the explosion launches the shield right AT Avery. LOOK, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED, JUST PRETEND IT MADE SENSE, OKAY?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 43
Perhaps having realised just how little sense that last moment made, the Stuthor has Broly explain yet again exactly how that fucking shield works, because that’s what EVERYONE does in the middle of a life and death battle. Unsurprisingly, nothing in the explanation tells us anything about why the shield is made so sensitive (what, are gentle breezes his personal kryptonite?). Or, in fact, why an explosion IN FRONT of the shield would launch it into the air.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 44
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 17 (I’m starting to think the Stuthor is one of those people that spam the word ‘lol’, because every single character of his laugh ALL THE FUCKING TIME, whether it made sense or not.)
And then…I’m afraid I have to spork the next bit, just because of the sheer amount of sexist crammed into these short passages.
"Ha!" Riru came from behind,
SOS: (Riru) SURPRISE BUTTSEX!!!
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 18
but she wasn't fast enough to catch Broly off guard.
SOS: She wasn’t fast enough.
She wasn’t fucking FAST ENOUGH.
SHE HAS SUPERSPEED AS A FUCKING POWER, AND SHE WASN’T FUCKING FAST ENOUGH!
HER ONLY DEFINING TRAIT IS HER FUCKING SUPERSPEED AND SHE WASN’T FUCKING FAST ENOUGH!
EVERY SINGLE FUCKING CHARACTER SO FAR HAS BEEN FAST ENOUGH TO ATTEMPT MUSTER AN ATTACK AGAINST BROLY, BUT THE ONE PERSON WITH SUPER FUCKING SPEED AS HER SUPERPOWER ISN’T FUCKING FAST ENOUGH
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 24
"Nuke Kick!" Broly jumped and caught Riru with a hook kick sending her flying.
SOS: Dude, I know I’ve been spamming you with the JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT counter, but…this is the universe where overuse of your powers can KILL you. Don’t you have ANY attack in your arsenal that doesn’t involve nukes? I mean, sure, you want to go all out with this crew because they all have plot armour, but do you use your powers against EVERY single person you fight? Because that sounds incredibly dangerous to me.
Even canon characters, who DON’T have this problem, have SOME attacks that are completely independent of their powers. Crocodile had the poisoned hook, Eneru managed to severely wound Luffy despite him being immune to Eneru’s powers, and Blackbeard even commented on how Ace was still a formidable fighter even without his powers.
I mean, that kick wasn’t even described to explode, so why depend on your powers so much when you can just, you know, kick her and be done with it? You’ve already established that she can’t possibly hurt you, so why expend so much energy?
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 19
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 45
"Riru..." Avery saw her and quickly caught, since he is as fast as the wind, "Gotcha..."
SOS: …Emphasising speed when you just said that the PERSON WITH FUCKING SUPERSPEED ISN’T FAST ENOUGH?
I think there’s really only one response to that.
"Thanks Avery.." Riru looked at Avery
SOS: (Riru) For doing absolutely nothing and letting me go up against that guy alone. What, could you have done SOMETHING to distract him while I sneaked up on him?
and slowly her vision faded.
SOS: I didn’t know sexism caused blindness in its victims.
"Riru..Riru? Riru!"
SOS: Yeah, Stuthor, you’ve tried it before and it didn’t work. So it’s not gonna work here. Just writing someone’s name three times does not an emotional scene make. Not when you didn’t even bother to spend ANY effort making sure we sympathised, related to, or even freaking liked that character. Not when I KNOW you’re too wimpy to kill anyone, even the pathetic women.
Hell, I don’t even understand why Avery is so distraught. Have we even seen those two directly interact before? They’re casual acquaintances at BEST, so I really don’t buy his OMG GRIEF. Come to think of it…his philosophy is that he works for the strongest, right? And Broly just annihilated his entire crew, including his captain. So…why is he fighting him? Shouldn’t he be asking to join his crew at this point? What, does that philosophy only concern people who are self-inserts?
"Shut up boy! Nuke Fist!" Broly punched the ground in front of Avery and he was sent back once more.
SOS: Okay, I guess I have to thank you for putting an end to that disgusting scene…but couldn’t you have done it in a much more PERMANENT manner? What is it UP with you and the ground? Did it eat your father? He’s RIGHT FREAKING THERE! PUNCH HIM! That is BOUND to have more of an effect than punching the fucking GROUND! Not to mention, the ground is just about the only innocent character in this fic!
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 19
"Now, time to kill you there girly."
SOS: Um…why? You haven’t shown an interesting in killing any of the other characters. All you’ve been doing is waving off their attacks, then throwing them back a few feet. And they were people who could actually HURT you. Hell, you didn’t even do anything to KIT, who DID hurt you. And yet Riru, the single most useless character thus far, gets the full brunt of your rage? Dude, you didn’t even follow up and make sure DAVID was dead - why the fury for Riru? Is it just because killing the weak is much more satisfying than fighting those that could actually fight back?
SOCIOPATHY: 4
Broly turned to see Karma as she was ready to attack again.
"Bring it!"
SOS: Okay, Stuthor, taunting and mouthing off to the villain can be incredibly awesome IF DONE WELL. The thing is, for it to be awesome, the person doing the taunting has to be PRETTY DAMN CONFIDENT that they can actually, you know, carry through with their fucking taunt. Saying ‘Bring it’ is just fucking PATHETIC when the very next thing that happens is that you get your ass handed to you.
And this isn’t even an “I know I’m going to die, but dammit, I’ll go out saying something awesome” case. As far as I can tell, she really believes that she can actually take on Broly, which really makes her more arrogantly stupid than BADASS.
And wait…SHE’s the one who’s amounting an attack, and yet she tells BROLY do ‘Bring it’? Does she want to act or react here?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 47
"Hahahaha! I like your courage,
SOS: No, that’s not courage. That’s fucking stupidity. No, that’s fucking SUICIDE.
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 19
too bad courage isn't enough to survive! More or less it gets you killed!"
SOS: Seriously, Stuthor, even disregarding the utter stupidity of these comments…did you honestly think they sounded COOL? The needlessly repetitive nature of the taunts just make them sound AWKWARD. Like Broly was hoping to get out a snappy comeback, only to realise half way that he wanted to say something else. Or he was helpfully clarifying himself, in case he didn’t manage to convey his coolness.
And dude, it does NOT get you killed. NOTHING gets you killed in this universe except pissing off the Stu. Have you managed to kill a SINGLE person since coming on stage?
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 3
Broly cocked his fist back and smiled evily, "Now die.."
SOS: (Broly) *Twirls moustache with gusto*
COCKFIST: 3
Also, please notice how he only wants to kill the women, and yet lets the men live. Because, after all, women are EXPENDABLE. They can be easily replaced. The men value SO MUCH MORE, we can’t POSSIBLY imply they might be permanently put out of commission!
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 25
"Why...why...why can't I move?" Karma thought, "Move...move...MOVE!"
SOS: Because the Stuthor is a sexist bastard and thus no woman written by him will POSSIBLY be able to stand up for themselves. Obviously.
Again, if your intention here was to make me anxious for Karma, then you failed spectacularly, Stuthor. Again, just writing a few stock lines isn’t enough to invoke emotional responses in readers. You have to actually put some effort into making a character well-developed and human, and have her be around for long enough that we form an emotional connection to her. As it is, she’s just another face in the crowd, one of the many brain dead idiots David enslaved.
She’s not sympathetic. She’s not likeable. She’s not HUMAN. It’s really fucking hard to feel anxious for a character that I barely know and that’s flatter than my chest. Seriously, readers, try and describe Karma’s character and see what you come up with. I’ve tried, and I got precisely NOTHING.
Not to mention, this is blatantly inconsistency, too. She’s attacked Broly before, and he’s retaliated against her before, and she certainly didn’t freeze up back then. So what caused the terror THIS time around? In fact, she knows for certain now that Broly’s attacks can’t damage her enough to put her out of commission, so by all accounts, she should be more confident. It’s not even like he’s using a special attack. He’s just pulling the same old routine on her. It makes no sense for her to be this incompetent and terrified except as a way to get the male characters to pull a Knight in Shining Armour, because they have PENISES, and thus are immune to fear.
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 30
"Nuke Fist!" The explosion pillar reached into the sky.
SOS: Dude, we’ve seen him use that attack before, so many times that I have a fucking COUNTER for it. And it’s NEVER been that intense. What, was he just holding back before? WHY? He’s whole purpose is to show David how strong the actual Shichibukai are, so he doesn’t get cocky, so shouldn’t he be going all out? And if he was holding back for some reason, then why is he letting go now? Again, it’s not like Karma can actually hurt him, so why expend all that energy on her?
Again, I can’t help but think this is because he never really goes all out unless he’s certain that his opponent can’t fight back. He’s not fighting to preserve his honour or pursue his dream, but simply to go on power-trips and stroke his own ego. And while this is perfectly acceptable for a villain, the Stuthor here clearly doesn’t see anything particularly evil with this act. To him, the only bad thing Broly has done is attack the Stu. Indeed, judging by David and Chase’s interaction with Broly, they seem to consider him a worthy opponent.
SOCIOPATHY: 5
"Huh...huh...huh..." Karma panted heavily,
SOS: Because don’t you know, getting bombed takes a lot out of you!
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 13
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 22
but then looked to see David in front of her.
SOS: What did I tell you? It’s all a fucking chance for the Stu to pull a Knight in Shining Armour, because women can’t POSSIBLY be good fighters. Their ovaries get in the way.
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 31
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 14
"You good?" David asked
SOS: (Karma) No, I’m not. An explosion that big can’t possibly be completely shielded by one person. Realistically, I would have been vaporised by the intense heat alone. Even discounting that, the blast wave would have killed both of us. If a single human body was adequate shielding against nuclear weapons, they wouldn’t have been on the Geneva Convention. Hell, a single human being isn’t enough to stop high-calibre bullets in some case. And even discounting THAT, the sound and light would have rendered me deaf and blind, and the debris caused by the blast would have killed me. But hey, since our creator is an idiot, I’m PERFECTLY FINE. Because screw the people in Hiroshima and Nagasaki, they were just wimps.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 48
as Broly's fist pierced his stomach.
SOS: …Is that imagery Freudian or what?
And again, OBVIOUSLY, it’s not the nuclear fucking explosion that hurt him, but the physical attack itself. Because CLEARLY, a human fist is FAR MORE powerful than a nuke. At this rate, I don’t understand why Broly even bothers to use his powers. Being a human nuke is as useful in this universe as being able to summon an endless supply of plastic foam. Hell, probably less useful, as I can actually think of every day uses for insane amounts of foam.
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 15
"Ye...yeah.." Karma replied shakily.
SOS: *Sighs* Stuthor, think about your own reaction if you were randomly drafted into the army and, within a week of getting there and having not yet received any training, they threw you into a field and started firing nukes at you. Don’t even THINK about bluffing because I fucking KNOW you’re going to shit your pants.
Luffy’s crew gets away with being able to handle insane moments with relative calm because all of them have had a rough past and had plenty of experience with pirating. Zoro was a pirate hunter and thus frequently dealt with them. Nami was in an actual pirate crew from about 8-years-old. Sanji works in a restaurant that had a reputation for having chefs that acted like pirates and was mentored by a notorious pirate. Franky, though not a pirate, was still something of a thug and saw plenty of the underworld of society. Chopper is the only character that didn’t have direct experience with an actual pirate crew, and it became a PLOT POINT for him to learn to stop panicking and suck it up later.
Karma grew up in a quiet little town. There’s no indication that she’s ever even SEEN a pirate, much less been trained in combat. She is, by all accounts, a COMPLETELY AVERAGE TEENAGER. There is NO FUCKING WAY she would have been alright with Broly like this. She should be freaking the FUCK out. Sure, she’s seen a few fights before, but every single time, there was no question that David would win, because they always outnumbered their victim. But this time, everyone around her is literally dying and she’s literally powerless. HUMAN BEINGS DO NOT REACT THIS WAY.
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 20
"Good, because I think I'm hurt." David smiled.
SOS: Oh FINALLY, only after you’ve been hit with a nuke about, what, seventy billion times?
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 25
*Sighs* And Stuthor, how many times do I have to say this? This isn’t how you write an emotional scene. Frankly, I don’t feel a thing for David except annoyance. I’m not impressed by his nobleness or resilience, because I’ve fucking seen him commit cold-blooded murder and I know it’s nothing more than plot armour. If this moment had happened with Luffy, I would be bawling my eyes out, but not here. You know why? Because I spent over 600 chapters getting to know Luffy, sharing in his dreams and witnessing just how much he cares about his friends and to what length he’d go for them. What the hell do I know about David? Not a single person in this story has any CHARACTER, so it’s really freaking hard to muster up any enthusiasm for them.
"Hahaha! Like I said courage get's you killed!"
SOS: Like I said, no, it doesn’t. He’s not dead.
JUST RIP HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF AND BE DONE WITH IT, GODDAMMIT!
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 20
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 23
Broly retracted his fist from David's stomach and cracked his wrist quickly,
SOS: What FOR? Cracking one’s wrists is usually a way to threaten someone, by implying that you’ll use force if they continue to resist you. It’s pretty pointless to do that once you’ve already started the fight and grievously injured them, isn’t it? SO JUST FINISH THIS ALREADY, GODDAMMIT, KILL THEM ALL AND PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 21
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 20
"Well I think I'm done here. You'll all die now, so I have no need to stay." Broly shrugged.
SOS: ALS;KJDF;KAHSDGAWEJFL;DSKAGHSGKLDGHALSDK
NO!
NO, YOU CAN’T FUCKING DO THAT!
YOU CAN’T JUST ORDER SOMEONE TO DIE AND THEN FORGET THEM!
YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING KILL THEM!
YOU’RE NOT DONE UNTIL ALL OF THEIR HEARTS STOP FUCKING BEATING!
YES, YOU NEED TO FUCKING STAY!
IF YOU FUCKING LEAVE NOW, THEY’RE GOING TO GETTING GET STRONGER AND WILL EVENTUALLY BE A PAIN IN THE ASS FOR YOU!
FUCK YOU!
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 30
Broly walked over to his boat,
SOS: Boat? I think he’d need something significantly bigger than a fucking BOAT to contain all of his crew!
even with all of his fallen crew mates on the ground, and set sail.
SOS: Wait, so he DID kill his crewmates? Well, don’t you think that’s a detail worth mentioning - the death of HUNDREDS, if not THOUSANDS, of people? What, are they just not worth mentioning, because they’re not your pets?
And if he causes so much damage in every single battle, then how has he managed to recruit such a gigantic crew? And how has he managed to get to the position of Shichibukai with such shitty human resources management? Not only is he killing off mooks (who can be useful human shields) by the hundreds, he’s also killing those truly competent members of his crew who will be IMMENSELY useful when he inevitably has to fight someone of equal or superior strength to him. Not only that, but some personnel are absolutely ESSENTIAL in Grand Line, like cooks, doctors, navigators, ship wrights…they might not be great fighters, but you still need them.
I know you’re desperately trying to paint him as the bad guy even compared to unrepentant mass-murderers like the main cast…but it really doesn’t work, because that’s not evil. That’s just STUPID. And it doesn’t exactly make him any worse than David, since David has shown the exact same disregard for his crew. He’s just lucky enough that the Stuthor’s been keeping them alive for him thus far.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 50
SOCIOPATHY: 6
He soon faded away.
SOS: -as the animators ran out of ink.
"David...David!" Karma held David as he bleed intensley.
SOS: *Groans* Fantastic. I can’t even enjoy watching the Stu SUFFER, since a) I fucking know nothing is going to happen and b) the Stuthor’s attempt at writing emotion is even worse than his attempts at writing action. All it does it make me cringe.
Again, these people have no reason to be so distraught about each other. What has David done for Karma, exactly? He randomly showed up, sexually harassed her a little, treated her like the scum of the earth because she has a supposed mental illness, beat her up, stole her ship, conscripted her into his HIGHLY ILLEGAL PIRATE CREW, and just now dragged her into a life and death battle and expected her to DIE for him. Why is she so sad to see him go?
"Is Davey okay?" Kit asked
SOS: Since when has she called him DAVEY? You don’t just fucking SPRING a nickname on us! Either give the name an origin and introduce it properly, or use it from the start! And dude, a supposedly tragic death scene is the LAST place you want to introduce a crappy, “comical” nickname like that! And this had BETTER not be a reference to Davy Jones or I shall rain the wrath of St. Claire upon you, I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING.
And dude, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK? He’s got a gigantic hole in his stomach and has just been blown up by a nuke! OF COURSE he’s okay! He’s the Creator’s Pet, and he’s not gonna die EVER.
as she carried Chase with her.
SOS: ...Yeah, Kit is still unambiguously the most awesome character thus far in this book. The men are lying around, half dead, and she’s sauntering around, carrying one of them like a ragdoll…and she’s survived a bigger blast than any of them! Look at the way she’s rubbing it in David’s face.
…Why do I get a feeling she’s not going to be allowed to shine for long?
Behind her Avery was crawling over to the crew with Riru on his back.
SOS: Yeah, and what happened to you? You got lightly punched a few times? WIMP. Kit over there was hit head-on with an explosion that could be seen on the other side of the fucking WORLD. And she’s perfectly okay and walking around and carrying the little wuss Chase like he’s nothing. PWNED.
Okay, I know it’s unrealistic and bad timing and breaks your suspension of disbelief and just bad writing in general…but look at the YOU SEXIST BASTARD count. I think I’m allowed to give some leeway to female characters that are FINALLY allowed SOME chance to shine.
"How's Captain?" Avery asked.
SOS: PLEASE tell me I don’t have to sit through EVERY single crew member of his asking the same freaking question?
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 4
"Davey..." Kit looked at David's motionless body.
SOS: Yeah, yeah, please get on with it. We all know he’s gonna be fucking okay. We’re not STUPID.
"Don't call me Davey please?" David replied.
SOS: See? What is the POINT of writing scenes like this, Stuthor, if you’re too wimpy to actually do ANYTHING to anyone? The whole point of tragic scenes like this is that, you know, the person in question is going to actually freaking DIE.
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 30
"David you're okay!" Karma hugged.
SOS: -herself. “Why won’t he just DIE already? If he did, then I might be able to run away…my mom and brother are still home, and they have no idea where I am!” she thought desperately.
"I think so...I mean...oh I see a bright light...
SOS: No, deary, that’s the SUN.
I think I'll go for it."
SOS: (David) I’ve always wanted to be America’s Next Top Model.
And with that David's eyes closed.
SOS: Hold off your rejoicing, readers, because the Stuthor is FAR from ballsy enough to kill his self-insert. I’m sure he thinks this is a brilliant cliff hanger, but really, the only word that can describe this is PATHETIC. I don’t freaking care if he died or not, because no matter what, I still have another 40 chapters of this shit to spork, and one protagonist is just as infuriating as another.
I’ll see you next time, guys where, of course, there’s an action scene. But even worse, the Stuthor tries to draw out this tragic line and continues in his pathetic attempt at getting the readers to care about the abominations he has created. Yeah, it’s not gonna be fun.
FINAL COUNTS:
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 45+30 = 75
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 84+23 = 107
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARMTENT: 72+4 = 76
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 180+50 = 230 (Wow. Already broken the 200 mark, too. Impressive.)
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 65+30 = 95
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 74+20 = 94
SOCIOPATHY: 104+6 = 110
THESAURUS RAPE: 31+3 = 34
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 57+31 = 88
SWEATDROP: 7
YOU PREJUDICED BASTARD: 21+1 = 22
Go Forward to: Chapter 13, Part 1
Go Back to: Chapter 12, Part 1