Bound for Glory: Chapter 12 Part 1:
Chapter 12: A Cold Shichibukai Encounter! Part 2
SOS: Yeah, guys. We’re back. And this shit isn’t getting any better.
In fact, the villain only got more comically inept and yet simultaneously enraging. Sometimes, I really have to stop in awe of the level of this Stuthor’s suckiness.
Apparently unsatisfied with the generic Action Film villains he had before, the Stuthor decided to upgrade to outright Snidely Whiplash in this chapter, as he has his villain actually CACKLE as he attacks. Seriously.
Anyways, Broly (I keep typing his name as Broccoli. No villain should have a name that close to a food item outside of Dragon Ball) shoots a laser beam at David, because that’s EXACTLY how nukes work - by shooting lasers.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 1
The laser magically cause an explosion, because the ground is made out of explodium in this universe.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 2
and despite watching David survive…what, eleventy zillion nuclear explosions with nary a scratch, he STILL fucking thinks that David is dead, even when the story itself point out that there was ‘no body.’
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 3 (What is this sense of foreboding I feel?)
Seriously, even preschool kids aren’t THIS gullible.
This just makes me think the Stuthor saw the worst Action movie in the history of time, and then decided that EVERYTHING he wrote has to copy that EXACT same formula, over and over again, because it NEVER gets old, right?
So, Broly stupidly gloats about his victory and, just like the last eleventy zillion times, David turns out completely unharmed and also magically behind Broly now. Of course, he doesn’t actually use this chance to ATTACK, as that would just be RIDICULOUS! He has HONOUR to maintain after all!
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 1
However, his desire for honour is certainly lax enough for him to allow his friend to help out, as David reveals that Chase had used his magical super speed to drag him out of the way of the blast and dump him behind the villain.
Meaning, not only had he broken the ONE MAJOR FUCKING RULE in anime-fighting (or in any action movie, for that matter) and made himself the automatic villain by fighting dirty, but he’s also just spit in the face of his friend. The dude was kind enough to give him a fantastic chance to win the fight, and yet he goes ahead and wastes it, drawing the conflict out and causing more death and destruction meanwhile.
And dude, if Chase was that fucking fast, then why didn’t he just zoom over at the speed of lightning or some shit and just stab Broly in the heart? It’d solve EVERYTHING! Look, if a completely untrained and wimpy teenage girl can think up better ways to win a fight than you, then you’re doing something WRONG.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 2
And what’s even more…YOU HAVE SOMEONE WITH THE POWER OF SUPERSPEED THERE. Why couldn’t she help? HER WHOLE ENTIRE GODDAMNED GIMMICK IS HOW FAST SHE IS! Instead of cramming powers into the main duo, why not USE your goddamned cast and give them a REASON to fucking be there? One Piece has its share of action scenes, and you might realise a pattern: EVERYONE GETS A FUCKING CHANCE TO SHINE! Even the characters who are without Devil Fruit powers get to do awesome, AWESOME shit! This not only makes the action scenes more diverse, but also gets rid of the issue of goddamned PREJUDICE.
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 1
But no. We can’t spend time focusing on the minor, inconsequential characters like the CREW FUCKING MEMBERS. We have to wank about how AWESOME the Stu is.
Fuck me.
The villain reaches an all time low and actually starts fretting like a goddamned grandpa. Look at this shit, ‘"What just happened?" Broly asked a little agitated.’
That, dear readers, isn’t a One Piece villain. That is a goddamned senior citizen at the movie theatre.
David explains that Chase ate (Oh, I’m sorry, AT) the ‘Rumble Rumble Fruit’, which gave him the power of lightning…which makes no fucking sense, because lightning doesn’t produce any sound! The rumbling comes from the THUNDER. They’re called different names because they’re different things!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 4
And despite being adorably confuzzled before, Broly snaps right back to being…bored? Apathetic? I guess it’s uninterested. And because none of the characters give a shit about this fight, I don’t really either. Apparently, they’re just having a friendly sparring match because…that’s how they roll.
Tension, Stuthor. I don’t feel it.
And it is here that I must introduce to you yet another counter:
‘…Well too bad it won't save you!" Broly yelled as he cocked his fist back, "Nuke Fist!"'
That sentence has a number of problems.
Like how, YEAH, IT WOULD FUCKING SAVE HIM. He’s got a fucking friend that can travel at the speed of light, and there’s no law saying that he can’t swoop in and bail David’s ass out of there a second time! Especially considering that you just INFORMED them both that you’re going to attack! With that much notice, even a normal fucking human would have time to duck out of the way, much less someone who has, apparently, SEVERAL people with super-speed on his side!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 5
Or about how THAT MOVE DIDN’T WORK ON HIM THE COUPLE OF THOUSAND TIMES YOU USED IT BEFORE! He’s survived a direct punch to the stomach and just shrugged it off! It’s not a goddamned finishing move! Do you see Mario hyping up every jump he makes? NO. Because that’d be RIDICULOUS. It didn’t work on him before, it’s not gonna start working now, so stop fucking boasting! You’d think a pirate smart enough to ally with the government would be fucking smart enough to figure out that doing the same things won’t render different fucking results!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 6
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 1
But that’s not what I want to talk about. For a long time now, we’ve seen the phrase, ‘X cocked his fist back’ in this fucking Stuthor’s story, because god forbid he get a THESAURUS or something! And frankly, I’ve run out of things to scream at the screen about the 27th time he used it, so it’s time to introduce another count:
COCKFIST: 1 (And formulaic writing shall now be known as The Cockfist Syndrome.)
The Stuthor continues to think that all nukes glow green, and still calls the “radiation” an ‘aura’, because don’t you know, those two are EXACTLY the same. Why the hell do you think there are talking animals walking around in Dragon Ball Z? That universe is filled with mutants, man.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 7
THESAURUS RAPE: 1
And David decides that the best way to dodge a nuclear explosion is by going UP.
Look at this picture and tell me the direction of the explosion:
Yeah, fucking UP.
And even if you tilt the picture 90 degrees, because the punch was horizontal or some shit, it’s still quite clear that nuclear blasts have a GIGANTIC FUCKING RANGE. And David doesn’t exactly have super-jumping as a power.
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 2
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 8
And, somehow, he manages to land on Broly’s back. I have no idea the logistics involves. As far as I’m concerned, David is just a Koala mutant from now. It’d certainly make this story SLIGHTLY more entertaining.
FINALLY, he decides to actually try to put an end to this fight and maybe kill Broly-
SOCIOPATHY: 1 (I don’t fucking care if he’s trying to end the action scene, cold-blooded murder isn’t fucking allowed in One Piece - especially not from the heroes.)
BUT, not only does he do this in a needlessly gratuitous way, putting his blades across Broly’s neck and then trying to draw them back (THERE IS A FUCKING REASON THE JAPANESE INVENTED THE WAKIZASHI SPECIFICALLY FOR THE PURPOSE OF DECAPITATING ENEMIES - BECAUSE THE KATANA IS TOO LONG TO USE AT THAT RANGE), but he also has a name for this move (surprise, surprise), and it is the most insensitive thing I’ve ever read:
‘Decapitating Twins’.
Seriously.
And knowing this Stu, it’s either a reference to twin serial killers or actual twin infants that he decapitated at one point using that attack. And knowing this Stu, I’d say it was the second.
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 3
And then…*Sighs* Broly pulls another move right out of his ass, because god knows this action scene isn’t long enough yet. You know, even though Oda allows a lot of stretching when it comes to what Devil Fruit Powers do, he doesn’t make every character goddamned OMNIPOTENT. Each fruit, despite having rather wide ranges, is still distinct in its use. When you have EVERYONE have genetic superpowers that are only tied to their supposed power through tenuous or outright STUPID links, it just makes an originally fascinating concept…well, SUCKY.
And when you give characters stupidly convenient powers like this, and yet only have them whip it out half way through a fight (oh god, that wording was horrible), all it does is make the readers question why the fuck they didn’t use it before.
Here, for example, Broly reveals that he can make himself goddamned invulnerable by surrounding himself with ‘a green aura’, because nuclear explosions totally come in shield form. It’d stop anyone from touching him, and thus blasts David off of his back.
And he hadn’t pull out this move BEFORE because the Stuthor only just thought it up right now and couldn’t be assed to go back and edit.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 9
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 4
David, of course, is a DUMBASS, and actually fucking pauses the fight to enquire how that particular move worked.
Dude, the explanation is fucking stupid, but it’s not that fucking hard to figure out. The Stuthor thinks ‘nuclear explosions’ are just green shiny stuff, so obviously, he turned his whole fucking body into a bomb, like he should have done in the beginning. But, of course, he’s keeping the explosion in convenient shield form (since he can TOTALLY control explosions) instead of just frying you to a crisp, because you’re the Creator’s pet.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 10
Broly explains exactly that, except in a far more convoluted and (in my opinion) less snarky manner, and then tries to get the friendly slap fight going again by punching David in the stomach, because, you know, it worked SO well the last time around!
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 3
Then the Stuthor says THIS, ‘…the impact was literally explosive do to the Explosive Armor.’
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 2
Redundancy aside…yeah, his fucking punches fucking exploded before. You fucking WROTE that. I ranted on and on in the last chapter about how many time David had shrugged off nuclear explosions right in the stomach. IF YOU HAVE TO GIVE A CHARACTER POWERS THAT SPIT IN THE FACE OF SCIENCE, THEN AT LEAST KEEP IT CONSISTENT!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 11
This gives the Stuthor a chance to use his favourite Onomatopoeia again. If only marrying with sounds was possible - then we’d never have to read this barely disguised piece of wank-fiction in the first place.
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 2
Of course, David only flies back and coughs up a bit of blood because he accidentally bit his cheek or something. If not for the fact that it’d be an asshole-ish move, I’m almost tempted to spam this Stuthor with photos of Hiroshima victims.
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 1
For once, Broly DOESN’T just assume that SURELY, David must be dead, and actually goes after him. BUT (seriously, Stuthor, could we just have ONE nice thing not followed by a gigantic ‘but’?) he decides to do so in the most illogical way possible, and actually jumps ABOVE David.
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 6
He’s being tossed away by a fucking explosion. I don’t think you can fucking jump that high by your own power, because, like it or not, nukes are very well-known for not being grasshoppers.
No matter WHAT Google might say.
Then, in another display of disregard for physics, the Stuthor has Broly fall on top of David, driving his knee into David’s BACK. You punched him from the front, he is going to go flying backwards facing UP! His back will be to the freaking GROUND. And even if he went flying back doubled over, his back will still not be at an angle that you can fucking drop onto. And even if it were, then an attack of that force will break his fucking spine, PERIOD, and he’s evidently well enough to express vague distress through onomatopoeia.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 12
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 3
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 2
This draws the attention of his crew, who come rushing to his rescue. So, basically, he was about as effective in this fight as your average Damsel in Distress. Truly, this is a rightful successor to Luffy’s legacy.
Actually, that raises several questions. Such as…what, did Broly’s crew just LET them rush to his aid? They’re five people against what appears to be several hundred! Unless the crew just stood aside, they couldn’t have possibly disengaged themselves that fast! WHAT IS THE FUCKING USE OF GIVING YOUR CHARACTERS A DISADVANTAGE IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING WITH IT?
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 4
Secondly, each and every single fucking one of his crew has seen him in action, if not outright fought him themselves. They witness just how high the Faux Made of Iron count was. Why the FUCK would they assume he was in trouble, especially since he shrugged off an attack that was exactly the fucking SAME barely last chapter! They’ve seen him walk away from several dozen stabs right to the fucking chest! They should know very well that he’s fucking invulnerable to damage or something! Why would they be worried?
And if they really do believe that Broly was strong enough to really kill him with that, then what do they think they’re going to be able to do about it? The Stuthor made David hand each and every one of them their asses, so I think it’s more than fucking obvious that they’re much weaker than David, so what could they possibly fucking accomplish? That isn’t fucking revenge! That isn’t a fucking rescue! That’s fucking SUICIDE!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 14
And last of all…if they thought David was done for, then why the hell are they still hanging around and trying to avenge him or some shit? Sure, I’d get it if Luffy’s crew wanted to protect him, but this douchebag? WHY? What reason does his crew have for being loyal to him? He didn’t help them with their problems. He never tried to protect them. In fact, he’s been consistently taking what they treasure away from them and taking advantage and basically using them as decoys! Most of them are only in his crew because he’d fucking kill them if they refused! This is time to be singing ‘Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead’! It makes no fucking sense why they’d be so loyal to him, especially since (though, admittedly, the timeline is really screwed up) they only seem to have been with him for a couple of weeks at most!
Then…you know that Action movie cliché where the bad guys vastly outnumber the hero, and yet insist on attacking one at a time, so the hero can show off how awesome he is? Well, our fucking “heroes” do exactly that in this case. I might be able to forgive the stupidity of this plan if they were planning to pile on top of Broly and overwhelm him with sheer number (what with all five of them), but no. They’re actually going to fucking take him on one at a time, as though they didn’t see what happened to David.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 15
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 5
Chase goes up first, and instead of using his fucking ability to travel at the speed of light, he uses the goddamned awkward attack that Kirk used in one of history’s most awkwardly shot actions scenes.
Click to viewYeah, that weird two handed punch thingie that I can’t describe. That, with lightning.
So, basically, he’s throwing away mobility and flexibility for the sake of…shits and giggle, as far as I can tell. Not only is he ensuring that he’d have no way of defending himself if Broly counter-attacks, since both of his hands are occupied, but that the punch itself will be less effective, because the motion won’t be as fluid, so he can’t build up as much momentum.
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 7
And what the FUCK does he think that attack will do, anyways? THAT GUY HAS FUCKING REGENERATION. Punching him will NOT do the trick!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 16
And dude, what is UP with you and using your powers in the LEAST efficient way possible? YOU TRAVEL AT THE SPEED OF FUCKING LIGHT! You can grab him and dump him in a volcano somewhere before he even realises what’s happened, because SPEED OF LIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER. In fact, just grab him and run. The acceleration and air friction will kill him, since he won’t have Required Secondary Powers.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 6
Of course, the Stuthor tries to justify how much of a pussy David was by vastly exaggerating the villain’s strength, so he stops the punch with one hand.
CHASE’S PUNCH WAS COVERED IN FUCKING LIGHTNING. THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO FUCKING TOUCH. The momentum of the punch itself won’t be what hurts you the worst, the fucking LIGHTNING BOLT will be! AND NUKES ARE NOT FUCKING IMMUNE TO LIGHTNING.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 17
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 3
Instead of carrying on with the attacks and try to kick the bastard or something (or even taking advantage of his goddamned ability to travel at the SPEED OF FUCKING LIGHT), Chase instead stands there and stupidly says, ‘Huh!’ With the exclamation mark and all.
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 4
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 18
And because this Stuthor is only capable of writing one type of villain - the cackling blood knight who actually fucking sucks at fighting - Broly laughs as he knees Chase in to stomach. Of course, he’s not going to actually KILL Chase, because that’d just be MEAN. In fact, there isn’t even a description of his attack exploding on impact, because he has to be even more gentle with David’s crew, in case he accidentally caused the Creator’s Pet mild annoyance by rendering his crew non-functioning.
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 5
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 7
And I get a feeling that this particular sequence is going to suck almighty ass, as it gives the Stuthor chance to make EVERY main character repeat his favourite onomatopoeia.
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 7
After patiently waiting for Chase to be done, it’s now Avery’s turn, and he actually puts his power to fucking USE and turns himself to wind. BUT, he actually decides to ANNOUNCE his attack beforehand, instead of just sneaking up on Broly and quietly kill him whilst disguised as a gentle breeze. Or, you know, just remove the air from around Broly’s head and watch him suffocate.
You can tell he’s been trained from birth to assassinate people.
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 8
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 9
And he’s evidentially not even taking advantage of the speed being the very air itself gives him, because Broly has the time to sigh and make some patronising statements. See, if you’d attacked him all at once, he wouldn’t be able to do that, would he? Dumbass.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 10
Broly blows up the ground or something, and this magically causes Avery to be hit and go flying back which…makes no fucking sense. He’s the fucking AIR! How are explosions meant to affect him? Even if the blast blows him away from Broly for a while, it’s not like he’s going to be fucking hurt! And he’ll be able to blow right back in a few seconds!
AIR DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY, YOU IDIOT!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 19
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 8
And then…*Sighs* Riru takes over. Do notice that all the women attack after the men, because it’s just ASSUMED that they’re weaker and will only be resorted to when all the people who CAN fight are down for the count.
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 2
And, of course, despite having a superpower just as easily-exploited as Chase’s, Riru decides to also attack in the most illogical way possible - because this isn’t about winning. This is about getting your ass handed to you, so David can feel better about his own humiliating defeat.
SOCIOPATHY: 2
Yeah, she fucking RUNS CIRCLES around Broly, all the while not making a single attack on him. AND she felt the need to warn Broly before hand for even THAT!
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 9
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 11
I guess that’s what you get for recruiting people who have absolutely no experience pirating and were just normal fucking girls living in a small town.
And because it’s his apparently mission in life to screw EVERY law of reality up the ass, the Stuthor says THIS, ‘…thing was that with the snow he saw her footsteps.’
If she was going that fast, then no, he wouldn’t fucking see her footsteps! If she was fucking fast enough to be invisible to the naked eye, then her new footsteps will replace her old ones at an equally fast rate, so you still can’t track where she fucking IS. And if the snow was that loose, then going fast on it will cause it to fly in the air and form a mini snowstorm around Broly, OBSCURING his vision! You raped reality so badly that the EXACT OPPOSITE outcome happened!
It’s fucking SNOW. It’s not that hard a concept to grasp, really! (Though given that he thought snow only felt cold to women…)
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 21
And it turns out that Broly’s plan wouldn’t even require him to know where Riru was. Because Riru was a DUMBASS and going around in a predictable pattern, he just steps into her way and wait for her to run into him, where she’ll be blown up by his nuclear aura armour or something. And, no, Stuthor, he doesn’t need to fucking know where she is to do that.
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 3 (Do notice that all the MEN at least made an attempt to attack and were honestly bested and thwarted by a supposedly amazing move on the apart of the villain. Point being, he had to WORK at least somewhat to dispatch them. But with the women, they get defeated by sheer, utter stupidity, at their own hands, in a completely humiliating way, with the villain not even bothering to use any flashy moves. And I’d bet anything this isn’t a coincidence.)
Riru is blasted away (you know, she should really join Team Rocket. At least they have a better boss), and it’s interesting to note that Riru doesn’t actually get to scream in annoying onomatopoeias as she blasts off. That’s a good thing, BUT it also means she’s the only one so far whose survival we hadn’t been reassured of. The Stuthor is very diligent in making sure we know the guys are alright, just a bit hurt, but when it comes to the females, he doesn’t even bother, because who cares if they die? They’re replaceable, after all. One pair of titties is just like another, and only people with penises are worthy of his regard.
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 4
Finally, the last two girls standing put their communal brain cell to work and figure out that, hey, it might be a good idea to attack him at once! BUT I can’t even enjoy this, as all I see is the Stuthor implying that while the men could have had a chance handling Broly all by themselves, Karma and Kit are SO weak that they NEED to go up separately, or it’d barely be a fight. And seeing as, despite agreeing to go up TOGETHER, they still coordinate their attacks so that Broly only has to handle them one at a time? Yeah, I am NOT amused.
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 5
Even worse, the Stuthor has one of them react to Riru’s defeat:
‘"Riru!" Karma looked back.’
First of all…look back WHERE? You never said she looked away in the first place! Are you telling me that Riru matters so little that her own teammate can’t be bothered to keep an eye on her while she’s engaged in a life-or-death match?
And secondly, whilst I’m grateful for any sign of camaraderie amongst this group of psychopaths, it again reinforces the idea that only WOMEN can possibly hurt by a nuclear explosion! There’s no need to worry about the men, because they have anti-radiation testicles or something. Not to mention, it paints women as only concerned about their own kind, and that pisses me off.
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 8
I’m momentarily amused as the Stuthor has Kit actually INFORM (yes, he used that exact word) Karma that they have to take Broly on, because apparently, Karma had been zoning out and had no idea they were in the middle of a goddamned battle. But then I stop and realise this might be what he thinks people who have Manic-Depressive Disorder act, and then I get depressed.
YOU PREJUDICED BASTARD: 1
FOR ONCE, someone actually sticks to their weapons in a fight, as Kit pulls out her guns. But that just implies that she doesn’t have them out before, when she was fighting Broly’s crew members. I think I’m going to assume she had returned the guns to the holsters momentarily just so she can draw them out and look totally badass. It’s stupid, but at least it’d be charmingly so.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 12 (Doesn’t mean she’s not getting a count, though.)
And because the You Sexist Bastard count isn’t high enough yet, the Stuthor has Karma honest to god look at the guns and then goddamned SWOON at the sight of them, because she’s such a fragile little flower, she can’t stand the sight of weapons.
DO I EVEN NEED TO FUCKING EXPLAIN WHY THIS MAKES ME ANGRY?
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 10 (Well, the Stuthor made a typo and instead describe her, ‘[shiver] a little at the site of the guns’, so I guess I’ll imagine that she’s just disturbed by the sight of Kit’s hands or something. It’ll make me feel better.)
So, Kit begins her ballet routine and leaps into the air gracefully (probably doing a few back flips too) and shoots at Broly, because she’s allergic to the ground or something.
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 11
And a seasoned and experienced pirate who just handed EVERYONE their asses chooses to react to this attack by…doing nothing. Because, you know, it’s a WOMAN, so why should he be concerned? It’s not like she’s going to HURT him - she doesn’t even have a penis!
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 11
For once, the sexism actually blows up in his face and he, ‘flinched from the pain.’ In any realistic universe, he’d be doing a lot more than flinching from goddamned bullets, but when people routinely survive nuclear explosions, you have to take what you’ve got.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 22
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 4 (Though he should be doing a lot more than just flinching from bullet wounds, because being made out of radiation or some shit does not make your automatically bullet-proof.)
He decides to explain that stunning act of idiocy by saying that his armour reduces the damage of bullets by half.
ONE. This isn’t a fucking Tabletop RPG. Stop using those terms or I shall have to crucify you.
TWO. How do you know that? We’re shown that Devil Fruit users don’t automatically gain knowledge of their abilities, so what, did you actually stand there and let someone shoot you, just to be able to produce accurate data on how effective the armour is?
THREE. NO, RADIATION DOES NOT FUCKING WORK THAT WAY. NUKES DO NOT FUCKING WORK THAT WAY. SURROUNDING YOURSELF WITH A CONSTANT EXPLOSION DOES NOT MAKE YOU GODDAMNED IMMUNE TO BULLETS. FUCK YOU.
FOUR. Even with reduced damage, BULLETS CAN STILL FUCKING KILL YOU. Especially if she got in a headshot or a direct hit to the heart, which shouldn’t be that hard, seeing as she’s firing from pretty much point blank range. Why take the fucking chance, you DUMBASS? Soldiers wearing bullet-proof vests still at least TRY to take cover!
FIVE. STOP WITH THE FUCKING ONOMATOPOEIAS OR I WILL PERSONALLY ENTER THIS UNIVERSE AND SHOVE A FUCKING DICTIONARY DOWN YOUR THROAT.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 25
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 5
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 9
Broly actually actives mocks Kit and encourages her to take more shot at him, because reduced damage TOTALLY equals no damage at all, right?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 26
Unfortunately, Kit can’t oblige and blow his fucking brains out, because she’s got ovaries and because it’s now Karma’s turn to attack, and they must never gang up on an opponent.
'"Good thing that I'm here then!" Karma stated as he came from behind…’
…He?
What, did she have a sex-change operation mid-battle?
And how very nice of her to announce her presence. What the use of sneaking up on someone if you’re not going to take advantage of the element of surprise? You may as well attack him head-on then!
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 13
And then she tries to spin kick him, I am not even kidding. Because after seeing how everyone who touches him are blown the fuck up, she’s decided that hand-to-hand combat is the right answer. And that she must use the most ridiculously impractical and elaborate move possible, because this is more of a mating dance than a fight, really.
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 12
Needless to say, this fails. BUT, it failed in an equally stupid and illogical manner, because the Stuthor would HATE to deprive me of things I can bitch about. You see, Broly evades the attack not by taking a single step back and watching in amusement, but by fucking JUMPING OVER HER. From a stationary start. When she stands at a respectable height.
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 14
And instead of just punching her and being done with it, he simply explodes the ground and thus send her flying back into the soft snow, because actually HURTING your opponents during a life-and-death battle is just unsporting.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 14
Finally, it’s Kit’s turn to attack again. And yep, just as you guessed it, she makes sure to announce her attack, because she’d hate to take advantage of someone trying to murder her (or gently move her a few feet backwards, considering the ineptitude of this villain).
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 15
And she…shoots at him in the back.
STOP FUCKING AIMING AT HIS FUCKING TORSO! HE WAS KIND ENOUGH TO INFORM YOU THE BULLETS HAVE LIMITED DAMAGE, SO GO FOR WHERE IT FUCKING HURTS! SHOOT HIM IN THE FUCKING NUTS AND BE DONE WITH IT!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 27
Broly is similarly annoyed, and yet I can’t appreciate it not only because the Stuthor uses YET ANOTHER onomatopoeia, but also because he described Broly as ‘agitated’. Look, I know some people can be really distressed by stupidity, but why would Broly even freaking CARE in this case? I mean, the whole situation is in his advantage, and he barely knows these people. So why is he so goddamned emotionally invested in the logic of these characters?
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 10
THESAURUS RAPE: 2
And then…and then, something amazing happens.
Something GENUINELY awesome happens.
‘"Hmph, those were poison bullets. Sorry." Kit smiled.’
MIND.
BLOWN.
I don’t even care the Stuthor used another onomatopoeia (the very same one he used for Broly, no less.)
I don’t even care Kit was never shown to carry poisoned bullets, so this is basically an asspull.
I don’t even care that the crew mates of Broly haven’t done a single thing to help their captain so far.
I don’t even care this is probably going to amount to nothing.
That moment is so awesome compared to the rest of this shit that it erases 5 Too Dumb To Live points AND five You Sexist Bastards points just by itself.
Seriously.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 22
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 6
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 11 (Doesn’t mean he’s not getting a count, though.)
But then…*Sighs* the Stuthor promptly negates any of the awesome of the previous line.
‘"Stupid girl..." Broly sighed, "Your poison has no effect on me do to the fact that my Explosive Armor eradicates poison like substances or any type of harmful liquid that would need to be injected into my body."’
1. She’s not fucking stupid. You never told her about this mythical anti-poison nuclear explosion you’ve invented, and no sane person would ever think that radiation somehow PREVENTED poisoning. She’s a whole fucking lot more logical than YOU! The only reason she tried that admittedly brilliant move was because you didn’t inform her of this bullshit ability the Stuthor pulled out of his ass just so you wouldn’t be defeated by someone who had ovaries. FUCK YOU. She had incomplete data to work off of and devised the best plan she could possibly have according to that incomplete data: just with that action, she’s smarter than the entire main cast COMBINED.
2. RADIATION DOES NOT FUCKING WORK THAT WAY, YOU FUCKTARD.
3. HOW THE FUCK WOULD IT DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN HARMFUL AND NOT HARMFUL? RADIATION ISN’T FUCKING SENTIENT. IT DOESN’T FUCKING WORK LIKE THAT, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!
4. THAT POISON WASN’T FUCKING INJECTED INTO YOU. INJECTION HAS A VERY SPECIFIC MEANING. YOU HAD A WOUND CUT OPEN IN YOU AND POISON SMEARED ALL OVER IT. THAT DOESN’T COUNT AS FUCKING INJECTION.
5. YOU CAN’T FUCKING SPELL!
6. I HATE YOU.
7. Stuthor, you FINALLY managed to write ONE awesome scene, WHY must you go and ruin it? Do you just THAT insecure?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 31
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 13
THESAURUS RAPE: 3
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 6
Kit actually consistently displays intelligence in this scene, as she is just as incredulous as me at this revelation. Despite her absolutely stupid sense of fashion and introduction, she’s rapidly becoming my favourite character by far.
Probably because I just said that and any character that is more popular than the Creator’s Pet must be eradicated, Kit is dispatched in the most gruesome way yet. Because, YOU KNOW, he’d totally expend more energy trying to kill some girl he’s already established can’t hurt him than the man he actually wanted to fight (and the man who went out like a wimp).
And because I’ve just declared my love for Kit, I think I’m contractually obligated to spork this tiny little snippet.
"You have no idea." Broly grinned
SOS: What Kit said to him was, ‘Are you serious?’ Meaning that this retort doesn’t make an ounce of sense. Dude, what more can there be? Sure, your power is fucking illogical, but it’s pretty fucking straightforward too - bullets and poison don’t work. Full stop. I think she has a pretty damned good idea, actually, considering that she’s the only one around with a fucking BRAIN CELL.
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 14
and raised one fist as it gave off a faint green electrical current,
SOS: RADIATION, EXPLOSIONS, AND ELECTRICITY ARE NOT THE FUCKING SAME. YOU CAN’T MAKE SOMETHING HIS POWER JUST BECAUSE IT’S COLOURED FUCKING GREEN. UNLESS HE ATE THE GREEN GREEN FRUIT OR SOME SHIT. IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ALREADY HAVE A FUCKING CHARACTER WHO CONTROLS FUCKING LIGHTNING IN THE FUCKING CAST.
DIVERSITY, BITCH.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 32
"Nuke Stream!" The small cackles of green electricity were launched at Kit,
SOS: NUKES. ARE. NOT. ELECTRICITY. THEY ARE FUCKING NOT. JUST BECAUSE NUCLEAR PLANTS GENERATE ELECTRICITY, DOESN’T MEAN THEY ARE ONE AND THE FUCKING SAME. FUCK YOU.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 33
and the explosion could be seen from over Reverse Mountain.
SOS: Well, then you’d better be planning to kill Kit, because no one is fucking surviving that. In fact, you’d better be planning to kill the entire fucking CAST, because no one in the immediate area is surviving that.
THERE IS A REASON PEOPLE DON’T USE NUKES IN WAR ANYMORE - BECAUSE THEY’RE TOO FUCKING DESTRUCTIVE, YOU MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH!
In fact, Broly was going up against ONE FUCKING GIRL WHO COULDN’T EVEN HARM HIM! Why would he even go over-kill like that? THIS IS THE UNIVERSE WHERE USING TOO MUCH OF YOUR POWER FUCKING KILLS YOU! Conserving energy is pretty important, I think! Most of all, HE’S SURROUNDED BY HIS OWN MEN! If he uses an attack like that, he’s going to end up losing more than his fucking opponents! You can’t even say he’s evil so he doesn’t care about his crew, because he’d need someone to operate his ship! And to be ready for the next fight, because this is GRAND FUCKIGN LINE.
NONE OF THIS MAKES THE LEAST BIT OF SENSE AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO KILL EVERYONE.
FUCK YOU, STUTHOR, FOR RUINING THE ONLY GOOD MOMENT IN THE FIC SO FAR.
FUCK YOU.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 36
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 15
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 7 (Because we all know no one is going to be hurt by that.)
I’m afraid that’s it for me, guys. See you next time where…well, let’s just say it gets worse. A whole lot worse.
Go Forward to: Chapter 12, Part 2
Go Back to: Chapter 11, Part 4