Rebecca and the Sorceror's Stone - Chapter 4 Part 3:
I'm so bored...I've finished reading through the archives of das_sporking, and now I have nothing to do. I'm pathetic, aren't I?
I hissed and brought my hand up to find that a few of my fingers were angled the wrong way.
Mantra: Mmhmm, and she doesn’t even notice broken fingers. In fact, her fingers don’t hurt at all until she thinks about them. Now, you could handwave that as adrenaline...except does her narration sound like someone on an adrenaline high? Does she sound panicked at all? Was her fight or flight instinct engaged?
Nagare: How the hell did she get her fingers broken in the first place? She had a club smack her in the side...and then no further attacks on her. How would that break a few of her fingers? If anything, it’s her arm that should be broken.
"I'd say no," I said casually as I looked down at me hand.
Nagare: WHY DOES THE NARRATION HAVE AN ACCENT? There is so much wrong with that sentence, but that’s the only part I can focus on now. Why the fuck does your narration have a bloody accent?
Mantra: Oh yes, a pampered little princess can handle broken fingers without a single indication of pain. I totally believe that. Dude, I’m a fucking eldritch abomination and I screamed when I first got my fingers broken! They hurt like a bitch!
What I wouldn’t give to demonstrate on our little Sue here what broken fingers truly feel like...
"Awe, freaky," Ron said looking down at my hand.
Nagare: And that’s the perfectly reasonable response to gruesomely broken fingers, from a little boy who’s probably never even seen one before, no less. Suethor, have you even SEEN a broken finger before? This is NOT how people react, trust me.
Mantra: And is he in awe or freaked out? One or the other, Suethor, not both at once.
"We'll take you to Madame Pomfrey as soon as I get my wand," Harry said
Nagare: *Raises eyebrows* Are her legs broken? If it’s only her fingers, then why can’t she walk to the infirmary herself? She’s clearly not in that much pain. She should be able to handle it fine.
Mantra: But what would the canon characters do without the Sue? They were born to shower praise upon her! Of course, they’ll follow her like puppy dogs everywhere! Otherwise, they have no purpose! And honest, what kind of Sue goes to infirmaries alone? Especially when injuries are such WONDERFUL chances for wangst? They simply HAVE to drag the canon characters along so they can be told how brave and sacrificing they are!
Also, the raised eyebrows are MY iconic gesture. Only I get to do them.
scrunching his nose as he looked down at his wand, still up in the trolls nose.
Nagare: *Slumps* Is canon anywhere near this boring? Because I can’t imagine why anyone would like this. The story is moving at the pace of a fucking glacier!
Mantra: Well, I DID offer to liven up the night. You’re the one who refused.
Nagare: *Groans and face palms*
He bent down and
Mantra: -grabbed his ankles.
pulled it out carefully, causing the troll to groan.
Mantra: ...
Nagare: *Raises head* What? You’re not going to say anything?
Mantra: *Points at fic indignantly* Well, what can I possibly say to that? It’s pretty much spelled out for us already! There’s nothing I can add!
Wit the wand came a trail of snot.
Mantra: *Sincerely* I honestly don’t think that’s snot you’re looking at.
Nagare: It was up his NOSE!
Mantra: I don’t know. People have had weirder fetishes.
"Ugh. Troll boogies," Ron murmured, scrunching his nose at the wand.
The Voice: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! IT’S BELLA SWAN! OH MY GOD, GET IT AWAY FROM ME!
Mantra: *Winces and rubs her ears* Woman! Calm down! At least the Suethor isn’t writing three ‘ugh’s in a roll!
Nagare: Seriously, Suethor, everyone who’s reading your fic will have read canon already. We know what happens there. And canon presented everything in a much more interesting and humorous fashion than you. You don’t have to recap every single action for us. MOVE THE FUCK ON. The sooner this story ends, the happier we’ll all be.
I spotted my wand beneath one of the sinks and quickly grabbed it
Nagare: It was beneath one of the sinks? But she was just hiding under the sinks! What, you mean she was sitting right beside her wand all along? Not only that, but it was within reaching distance? AND SHE DIDN’T HELP HARRY BECAUSE HER WAND WAS TOO FAR AWAY? She couldn’t be bothered to reach out and grab it, even when Harry’s life was endangered?
Mantra: And, later, the Suethor tries to set them up as a romantic couple. Letting your lover be potential killed because you can’t be bothered to save them - more and more people are thinking it’s romantic nowadays. Now, why wasn’t this phenomenon around when I was active?
with my good hand
Nagare: WE GET IT that you’re not going to grab something with your broken hand, mostly because it’s fucking BROKEN. You won’t be able to grab anything with it even if you wanted to. You really don’t have to deliberately tell us that. WE CAN FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT.
as I heard hurried footsteps enter the bath room.
Mantra: (Hurried Footsteps) Oh my god, I’m BURSTING!
I looked up to find Professor McGonagall, Snape and Quirrell all standing in the doorway, staring at us and the troll.
Mantra: (Professor Snape): Would anyone like to explain why the troll’s pants are around its ankles?
(Professor McGonagall): And Mr. Potter! What are you doing to that troll’s nostril?
Nagare: This fic is painful enough without your comments. It’s bad enough that I have to read the fucking fic, please TRY to make this experience as non-painful as possible. Please.
The Voice: I’m just saying...I’m totally on Mantra’s side.
Mantra: Hah! The author avatar agrees with me! Pwned!
"Oh my goodness! Explain yourselves both of you!" McGonagall exclaimed, looking at the two boys.
Mantra: ...O_o Ron joined in as well? What is this now, a six-some?
Nagare: You know what? I’m not even going to read the fic anymore. I’ll just sit here and bang my head against the table until the fic ends.
"Well what it is-"
Nagare: *Pulls on hair* WHO IS EVEN TALKING HERE? When all your characters sound the same, you have to SPECIFY!
Mantra: ...I thought you’re not going to read anymore?
Nagare: I wasn’t going to! It just...I couldn’t look away.
Mantra: Ah, the dreaded Trainwreck Syndrome.
"It's my fault Professor McGonagall," Hermione interrupted the boys, grasping the teachers'
Mantra: O_O
Nagare: If you say anything, I swear I will kill you.
attention.
Mantra: *Pats chest in dramatic relief*
Nagare: Well, Hermione is still a much better person than the Sue, isn’t she? She’s actually selfless enough to take up the blame for the people who saved her! What is the Sue doing? Standing there like a stump and watching her ‘friends’ get punished for saving her life. What a lovely girl.
"Miss Granger?" McGonagall asked in shock.
Mantra: (Professor McGonagall) *Horrified look between Hermione and troll* You don’t mean you are responsible for this? Why, I never- And you seemed like such a proper young lady!
Nagare: ...Now you’re just trying to piss me off, aren’t you?
Mantra: *Startled* You JUST realised?
"I went looking for the troll. I've read about them and I though I could handle it.
Nagare: *Face palm* I don’t see how you can make spelling mistakes when you’re copy-pasting straight from the movie scripts. Or the books. Did you think typing things out will excuse the non-existent effort you put into actually writing this story?
But I was wrong.
Mantra: Well, I’d say that’s pretty obvious. Really, Professor McGonagall here wants an explanation. I think she can figure out for herself that an eleven year old can’t defeat a cave troll on her own. You really don’t need to remind her.
If Harry and Ron hadn't come and found me…
Mantra: (Hermione) *Dramatically weepy* Why, I don’t know what it would have done to me with that ghastly club! It was so big! It’d never fit!
Nagare: ...GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...my eyes.
I'd probably be dead," Hermione explained.
Nagare: Yes, and that would be a far more merciful fate than...the alternative.
Mantra: To be fair, I’d take death over having to stay in this fic. I mean, it’s more than clear that she’s nothing but a Scary Sue (and a horribly written one at that) by this point.
"And you Miss Sherwood?" Snape asked.
Mantra: *Pauses, then bursts out in laughter* Oh, this is GREAT! Hermione takes the blame for Harry and Ron, but completely neglects to mention the Sue! She’s covering for her friends and leaving the Sue to fend for herself! Oh, I LOVE Hermione. Such a magnificent bastard...
See? This is why you don’t copy-paste movie scripts. It makes your self-insert look PATHETIC.
Nagare: Well, you could argue that the Suethor did it deliberately so that the Sue will be singled out and made the centre of attention...but thinking about it that way depresses me, so I’ll agree with you for now.
I shrugged my shoulders, slightly in shock.
Nagare: ...Why? You were perfectly fine a few seconds ago! You didn’t even react that much to broken fucking fingers! Why the shock now?
Mantra: Oh, but SNAPE is looking at her with his lovely obsidian orbs! Of course, she’d be swooning like the delicate flower she is! How else will she attract his attention?
The Voice: *Disturbed* I’m pretty sure HARRY is meant to be her love interest...
Mantra: *Waves hand dismissively* Oh, as if there are any Sues who aren’t interested in Snape.
"I just needed to go to the bathroom,"
Nagare: ...And you couldn’t have gone with the prefects to your common room and used the bathroom there because...?
Mantra: Yes, you absolutely had to run off during an evacuation to the floor the troll was at to use the bathroom. You couldn’t possibly hold it in for another minute. Truly, you are an unsurpassed liar.
Snape didn't look pleased with my answer but I could tell everyone else wanted to laugh.
Nagare: MOSTLY BECAUSE IT’S OBVIOUSLY FAKE!
Mantra: And since when is Snape pleased about anything? What makes you think you going to the toilet is going to please him? He’s sexy enough on his own without you adding random fetishes to him!
"Maybe next time, Miss Sherwood, you should try controlling your blatter
Mantra: Blatter?
Nagare: ...Well, we just had confirmation that she’s not human. Her biology obviously works differently.
and use the bathroom after the troll had been captures,"
Mantra: *Groans* Oh fantastic. And now Snape can’t even use tenses properly. How the might have fallen...
Nagare: I’m pretty damned sure they had toilets in their dormitories and common rooms! It would only make sense! She could have followed the prefects and used those! WHY IS NO ONE POINTING THIS OUT? Are they this stupid?
Mantra: Everyone has to be dumbed down so the Sue can look ~amazing~ and ~intelligent~
"Be that as it may, it was an extremely foolish thing to do.
Mantra: NO FUCKING DUH!
Nagare: What is up with you and pointing out the obvious, Suethor?
Mantra: Trust me, the joke only works when Captain Obvious is doing it. You are FAR too low on the Memetic bitch ladder to even try.
I would have expected more rational behavior on your part
Mantra: Oh, and I love this too. In canon, she was saying this to chastise Hermione. But here? She’s saying it to the Sue. By trying to make herself sound smart and a part of canon, she’s just inadvertently taken the blame for her personal Scary Sue. Oh god, this shit is GOLDEN. Seriously, do you see that? She just made a canon character bitch her out through bad writing!
and am very disappointed in both of you, Miss Sherwood, Miss Granger.
Mantra: *Laughs hysterically*
The Voice: I hope you treasure these moments, because this fic is only getting worse.
Mantra: *Pouts* You insist on raining on my parade, don’t you?
Twenty-five points will be taken from Gryffindor for both of your serious lack of judgment.
Nagare: So...the addition of the Sue actually means that more points are deducted from Gryffindor? Not only did she do anything to help with the main characters, just by existing, she’s making things worse for them? WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF WRITING THIS SELF-INSERT? DO YOU HONESTLY GET OFF ON BEING A GIGANTIC LUGGAGE FOR THE HEROES? If you character isn’t going to contribute anything, THEN WHY WRITE HER IN? WHAT IS HER FUCKING PURPOSE?
Mantra: ...Seeing as, at the end of the year, Gryffindor beats Slytherin in house points by only 10 points...and 25 points have just been taken...Well, not only did the Sue inconvenience the main characters, she just ruined the ending to the first book and the main character’s first victory against their rivals. WORST! SELF-INSERT! EVER!
The Voice: Oh, as if she’s not going to do something totally amazing in the ending and earn more points than the canon characters can dream of!
As for you two gentle
Mantra: *Narrows eyes* Gentle WHAT? What are you implying here, Suethor?
I just hope you realize how fortunate you are.
Mantra: Dude, they’re being bound to a SUE! I’m pretty sure they’d welcome death at this point.
Not many first year students could take on a fully grown mountain troll and live to tell the tale.
Nagare: Yes, and the Sue didn’t help with it at all. All of the glory still belong to the canon characters...somehow, I suspect this is a huge improvement over other fics of this kind.
Mantra: I still wonder if this is intentional at all.
Five points… will be awarded to each of you… for sheer dumb luck,"
Nagare: Even to the Sue? How did she have dumb luck? If she was lucky, nature wouldn’t have called at that moment, and she would never have been endangered at all! If anything, she was UNLUCKY! So, why is she being rewarded here?
Mantra: And...I’ve just realised now, but Hogwarts has a pretty screwed up point system, doesn’t it? If you can get awarded for luck, then what else can you be awarded for? I always thought Harry and Ron were awarded for how quick on their feet they were.
Professor McGonagall turned to leave but before she could Harry called her back. "Professor!"
Nagare: IF YOU TOLD US HARRY CALLED HER BACK, THEN YOU DON’T NEED THE DIALOGUE! IF YOU WANT THE DIALOGUE, THEN DON’T TELL US WHAT HARRY SAID IN INDIRECT DIALOGUE BEFOREHAND! IT’S NOT THAT HARD TO FIGURE OUT!
"Yes, Potter?"
"May we take Rebecca to the Hospital Wing?"
Mantra: ...seriously? You have to ask? What did you think she was going to say? What, you honestly thought she might make Rebecca DEAL with broken fingers? You honestly thought that she wouldn’t provide any medical attention to people who’ve just had a cage fight with a troll? How sadistic do you think she is?
Nagare: I wonder if he was hoping that she’d say no...then he’d have a legitimate excuse to let the Sue die of blood loss or infections...
Mantra: And why is it only Rebecca anyways? Hermione was inside the cubicles when they were smashed! She was under the sinks as well! Why doesn’t anything think she might be potentially injured? Is it that she wasn’t whining as much? *Grits teeth* I was ENJOYING how the canon characters were banding together against the Sue, dammit! Don’t ruin this moment for me!
"No, I'm fine, I can fix it myself, Harry," I said quickly as I brought my hand behind my back.
Mantra: Ah, the Bella Swan school of Injury Treatment: no matter what the circumstances, always refuse medical attention against all reason.
DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING DIE? IT’S A BROKEN FUCKING FINGER! IF YOU’RE ANYWHERE NEAR REALISTIC, YOU’D BE SCREAMING FOR ANAESTHETICS NOW!
Nagare: You can fucking fix it yourself? How many fucking spells do you fucking know? Mending bones in fingers are complicated because of how complex the human hand is! There are dozens of bones in there! There is no way you would be qualified to heal them! YOU ARE FUCKING ELEVEN YEARS OLD!
Mantra: She’s only doing this so that the audience can simper and coo and fawn over her, whilst still appearing selfless and sacrificing. Of course, it fails, because it makes her look like a GIGANTIC IDIOT, but then again, what Sue doesn’t?
"What is it, Miss Sherwood?" Professor McGonagall asked, eyeing me.
Nagare: WHAT DO YOU FUCKING THINK? Harry wants to take her to the infirmary! She is hiding her fucking hands! Obviously, she is fucking injured! She had just been in a fucking cage fight with a troll! WHAT IS UP WITH YOU?
Mantra: This fic is always that much more tolerable when the Suethor is copy-pasting from canon, isn’t it? As soon as she tries to write original material, everything starts falling apart.
I gave Harry one good glare before bringing my hand out from behind my back.
Nagare: Yes, because GOD FORBID anyone be concerned about you. God forbid anyone be compassionate enough to try and ensure others got medical attention! No, anyone kind enough to offer that kind of thing should be CONDEMNED! Dude, he was selfless enough to insist that you get medical attention, despite being flung around extensively himself! After you’ve demonstrated what a useless little turd you are, this is really not the best time to be whining about anything, much less his attempts at helping you!
Mantra: And what was she expecting? That Harry would lie to authority figures even more to cover up her lie, which she said without any motives whatsoever? True, Harry went around the backs of authority figures often, but that was only because he had to! Why would he want to help you in this case, when not helping you would ensure your survival, you fucktard?
"Oh dear,"
Mantra: And what is with these understated reactions to injuries? THIS is what broken fingers look like!
PEOPLE DO NOT REMAIN PERFECTLY CALM WHEN THEY SEE IT FOR THE FIRST FUCKING TIME!
Nagare: *Stares* Where did you get that from?
Mantra: *Grumpy* Beyond the fourth wall.
"Don't worry, Professor," I said quickly, pulling out my wand and point it at the two strangely angled fingers. "Episkey,"
Mantra: Isn’t she so goddamned talented? Eleven fucking years old and she can perfectly heal bones. First year student, and she can do whatever the fuck Madame Pomfrey can. Well, if you were THAT talented, then what were you doing whilst Harry and Ron were battling the troll? Oh, that’s right - cowering and fucking HIDING!
Nagare: And it just makes her pride in her academic achieves even more infuriating. She clearly has an advantage over the other students, and she thinks nothing of exploiting it. Furthermore, she fully expects us to be awed and impressed by her, despite the fact that she could only do what she does because of her father’s meticulous training - which she still does not appreciate, by the way.
Pain shot through my hand and I gave a short yell of pain before the pain in my hand subsided.
Nagare: WE FUCKING GET IT! IT’S FUCKING PAINFUL! IT’S A FUCKING BROKEN HAND! WE CAN FIGURE THAT OUT FOR OURSELVES! THERE IS NO NEED TO REPEAT ANY FUCKING WORD IN THE SAME SENTENCE THREE FUCKING TIMES!
Mantra: Actually, I’m pretty sure she severed a nerve there. First, there was burning pain, and then she went numb. *Claps slowly* All because she wanted to show off...
Nagare: Really, she could have avoided all this if she just took a few fucking steps to the infirmary, where there is someone fucking TRAINED to heal. She could have gotten an anaesthetic in that case. So no, I don’t sympathise at all. This is clearly all her fault.
I looked down at my hand and smiled at me work,
Nagare: Seriously, what is UP with the accent?
Mantra: Dear, just because it looks fine, doesn’t mean it’s actually fine. You know who would be qualified to check that? A FUCKING HEALER! You should have lost your fucking hand! Don’t you see what happens when spells botch? What the FUCK?
Nagare: How did anyone with so little brain cells live to eleven years of age?
Mantra: Plot Armour...wait, this doesn’t have plot. Uh...Author Favouritism?
and then looked up at the surprised teachers staring at me.
Mantra: Hey, that reminds me...how did Quirrel react in this universe? We heard nothing about him collapsing on a toilet, so...what, did he just stay calm? Why? Does he WANT to blow his cover?
Nagare: I imagine the Suethor was too busy wanking about the Sue’s awesome healing skills to bother writing about someone as trivial as Quirrel.
Mantra: *Face palm* That, or she’s determined to remove all traces of humour from the series. And she’s not doing a bad job either.
"I told you I could fix them,"
Nagare: *Incredulous* You arrogant BITCH.
Mantra: Oh yeah, go ahead and fucking FLAUNT your wonderfulness in the teacher’s faces. Surely, that will endear them to you.
Nagare: *Points shaking finger at screen* I have never, in my life, seen someone so BLATANTLY demanding praise and worship.
Mantra: And she honestly thinks she deserves it too.
Nagare: You...You arrogant BITCH.
Professor McGonagall sighed and shook her head
Mantra: (Professor McGonagall) Oh dear, another Sue. Why does our school attract so many of them?
before turning and leaving the bathroom.
Mantra: To contact the PPC.
Nagare: *Snorts* Isn’t this fantastic too? She did all that shit to impress the canon characters...and they don’t react at all. In fact, McGonagall reacts with DISMAY. She just flaunted her healed hand in front of them, and McGonagall here is just like, ‘Oh, for fuck’s sake, not again!’ No one is impressed by her. No one praises her. Hell, that little display didn’t even warrant any more points! It’s more than clear that no one fucking cares about her here. Does the Suethor realise what she’s doing at all?
Mantra: Again, this is the problem with copy-pasting canon. Professor McGonagall did leave in disappointment in canon because she expected better from Harry and Ron, and the Suethor just made her do the same here. Except the timing of her reaction is so that it looks like she’s reacting in disgust to the Sue. And I bet she doesn’t even know it, either! *Sighs* On the one hand, I’m disgusted by her stupidity. On the other hand, it’s moments like this that makes the fic tolerable.
I turned back to Harry, Ron and Hermione who were all staring at me.
Mantra: Of course they are! You’re the Sue! That means you have to be the centre of the universe at all times!
I just shrugged and began to walk after McGonagall and Snape
Nagare: *Jaw drops* You...YOU! ARROGANT! BITCH! What gives you the fucking right to ignore them? What gives you the fucking right to DISMISS them? They were the ones sticking up for each other and fighting the goddamned troll! All you did was perform a spell before the teachers afterwards that only aided yourself! YOU WERE BEING A HORRIBLE, SELFISH BITCH! So how the fuck DARE you just wave them aside like this? You’re not better than them! You’re so far below them that a comparison would be STUPID!
Mantra: She’s still coddling to the teachers, isn’t she? The way she’s following them...it’s almost like she’s flaunting the fact that the teachers all love her and rubbing it in Harry and Ron’s faces. Or she’s going, ‘Well, you guys can dislike me, but I have minions in other places!’ She’s...you’re right; she is just being an arrogant bitch here. That’s the only way to describe it.
as Quirrell began to mumble and stutter.
Mantra: Just NOW? What was he doing before? What, he was completely calm until AFTER Professor McGonagall and Snape are gone? DIDN’T YOU GET THAT THE TIMIDNESS WAS AN ACT? HE WAS PUTTING IT ON TO FOOL THE OTHER TEACHERS! HE DELIBERATELY PLAYED UP HIS HELPLESSNESS SO LURE PEOPLE INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY! Why would he put on the act after the people he needed to fool were GONE? HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU MISS THE POINT OF THAT SCENE?
Nagare: Even now, his reactions are being downplayed...and for no reason either! I honestly have no idea why the Suethor changed this aspect of canon.
"Perhaps you ought to go. It might wake up…"
Harry, Ron, Hermione and I all walked down the halls easily
Nagare: I thought you left them! You walked out first, right behind Professors McGonagall and Snape! How could you walk out together then? What, did you make your way back just to walk out again? WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Mantra: And what do you mean ‘walked down the halls easily’? What, is walking down halls usually hard for you? Are you that inept?
before Harry broke the silence between us all.
Mantra: *Dramatic gasp* No! The poor silence! It always gets broken so much in fics! What did it ever do to you?
"Good of you to get us out of trouble like that,"
Mantra: *Bliss* Yes! He’s appreciating and thanking Hermione and utterly ignoring the Sue! He doesn’t even acknowledge that she’s there! YES!
Nagare: Pity that he’ll end up wrapped around her little finger.
Mantra: You know, pessimism is bad for you.
"Mind you, we did save her and Rebecca's life," Ron said quickly.
Mantra: Aw, Ron! Don’t do that! I like you, dammit! Don’t bring the Sue back into the picture! We were all much happier ignoring her!
Nagare: Yes, they did save her life, didn’t they? And she didn’t do a thing for them in exchange. And we are meant to prefer her over Hermione. Suethor, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW PEOPLE WORK? Because we do not take kindly to people whose only actions are selfish!
"Mind you, we might not have needed saving if you hadn't insulted Hermione," I bit out.
Mantra: *Gapes*
Nagare: *Horrified*
Mantra: RON WAS INSULTING HERMIONE? YOU ARE BLAMING RON FOR INSULTING HERMIONE? YOU SPENT FOUR FUCKING CHAPTERS DOING YOUR BEST TO DUMP ON HERMIONE SO THAT WE WILL LIKE YOU BETTER, YOU SPEND FOUR FUCKING CHAPTERS TWISTING ALL OVER HERMIONE’S ACTIONS SO THAT YOU LOOK BETTER BY COMPARISON...AND YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO CALL SOMEONE ELSE OUT FOR INSULTING HER? YOU, WHO’S DETERMINED TO MAKE HERMIONE YOU OWN PERSON SCARY SUE, IS INSULTING RON FUCKING WEASLEY OVER HIS TREATMENT OF HERMIONE?
Nagare: AND AFTER SITTING THERE LIKE A STUMP AND NOT HELPING, AFTER WATCHING TWO CANON CHARACTERS BE ALMOST KILLED, AFTER ACTUALLY GETTING SAVED BY THEM...YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO PROTEST WHEN THEY STATE THE FACT LIKE IT IS? AFTER SHOWING SUCH LEVELS OF INGRATITUDE THAT I HAD NO WORDS FOR IT, YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY THAT YOU DESERVED A ‘THANK YOU’?
Mantra: How does this matter even concern you, anyways? Harry is saying ‘thank you’ to HERMIONE! You might not like it, but that’s who he’s talking to! You were not a part of this conversation! You do not have the fucking right to butt in! Hermione can decide whether to take offense or not! You have no fucking right to do anything, because you didn’t do a thing to help the canon characters! You just sat there and took their heroic actions for fucking granted! YOU STUPID BITCH!
"What are friends for?" Ron said with a smile,
Nagare: To aid you in times of need. And definitely not sit around and shiver prettily while you battle by yourself against uneven odds.
making Hermione smile brightly as well.
Mantra: *Chuckles bitterly* I see the canon characters are still determined to ignore her. Seriously, she must be the worst Sue of all time. Even when she’s going to extreme lengths to insinuate herself into a canon scene, NONE of the characters acknowledge her.
Nagare: And Hermione just get more and more likeable, despite her best efforts at prevent that. FAIL
Author's Note: Not that.
Mantra: Uh...excuse me, WHAT? What are you talking about?
The Voice: Frankly, I have no idea. I honestly don’t know what this Author’s Note means or why it’s even here in the first place.
‘Well, that doesn’t matter right now.’ Nagare crossed her arms over her chest, ‘Put me back into my room. I need to get back to sleep.’
‘I’m sorry, but you are going to be staying here for quite a while. Till the end of this fic, in fact. I can’t find any spares to take up your position.’ The voice said almost apologetically.
‘WHAT?’ Nagare demanded.
‘I’ll do my thing with the timeline, so you won’t miss out on anything...but again, I’m afraid you don’t have a choice.’
‘You know, you’re an even bigger bitch than the fucking Sue.’ Nagare waved a particularly obscene gesture at the megaphone.
Mantra sighed. ‘Ah, the woes of being written by an author with a sporking fascination...’
Go Foward to: Chapter 5, Part 1
Go Back to: Chapter 4, Part 2
I hissed and brought my hand up to find that a few of my fingers were angled the wrong way.
Mantra: Mmhmm, and she doesn’t even notice broken fingers. In fact, her fingers don’t hurt at all until she thinks about them. Now, you could handwave that as adrenaline...except does her narration sound like someone on an adrenaline high? Does she sound panicked at all? Was her fight or flight instinct engaged?
Nagare: How the hell did she get her fingers broken in the first place? She had a club smack her in the side...and then no further attacks on her. How would that break a few of her fingers? If anything, it’s her arm that should be broken.
"I'd say no," I said casually as I looked down at me hand.
Nagare: WHY DOES THE NARRATION HAVE AN ACCENT? There is so much wrong with that sentence, but that’s the only part I can focus on now. Why the fuck does your narration have a bloody accent?
Mantra: Oh yes, a pampered little princess can handle broken fingers without a single indication of pain. I totally believe that. Dude, I’m a fucking eldritch abomination and I screamed when I first got my fingers broken! They hurt like a bitch!
What I wouldn’t give to demonstrate on our little Sue here what broken fingers truly feel like...
"Awe, freaky," Ron said looking down at my hand.
Nagare: And that’s the perfectly reasonable response to gruesomely broken fingers, from a little boy who’s probably never even seen one before, no less. Suethor, have you even SEEN a broken finger before? This is NOT how people react, trust me.
Mantra: And is he in awe or freaked out? One or the other, Suethor, not both at once.
"We'll take you to Madame Pomfrey as soon as I get my wand," Harry said
Nagare: *Raises eyebrows* Are her legs broken? If it’s only her fingers, then why can’t she walk to the infirmary herself? She’s clearly not in that much pain. She should be able to handle it fine.
Mantra: But what would the canon characters do without the Sue? They were born to shower praise upon her! Of course, they’ll follow her like puppy dogs everywhere! Otherwise, they have no purpose! And honest, what kind of Sue goes to infirmaries alone? Especially when injuries are such WONDERFUL chances for wangst? They simply HAVE to drag the canon characters along so they can be told how brave and sacrificing they are!
Also, the raised eyebrows are MY iconic gesture. Only I get to do them.
scrunching his nose as he looked down at his wand, still up in the trolls nose.
Nagare: *Slumps* Is canon anywhere near this boring? Because I can’t imagine why anyone would like this. The story is moving at the pace of a fucking glacier!
Mantra: Well, I DID offer to liven up the night. You’re the one who refused.
Nagare: *Groans and face palms*
He bent down and
Mantra: -grabbed his ankles.
pulled it out carefully, causing the troll to groan.
Mantra: ...
Nagare: *Raises head* What? You’re not going to say anything?
Mantra: *Points at fic indignantly* Well, what can I possibly say to that? It’s pretty much spelled out for us already! There’s nothing I can add!
Wit the wand came a trail of snot.
Mantra: *Sincerely* I honestly don’t think that’s snot you’re looking at.
Nagare: It was up his NOSE!
Mantra: I don’t know. People have had weirder fetishes.
"Ugh. Troll boogies," Ron murmured, scrunching his nose at the wand.
The Voice: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! IT’S BELLA SWAN! OH MY GOD, GET IT AWAY FROM ME!
Mantra: *Winces and rubs her ears* Woman! Calm down! At least the Suethor isn’t writing three ‘ugh’s in a roll!
Nagare: Seriously, Suethor, everyone who’s reading your fic will have read canon already. We know what happens there. And canon presented everything in a much more interesting and humorous fashion than you. You don’t have to recap every single action for us. MOVE THE FUCK ON. The sooner this story ends, the happier we’ll all be.
I spotted my wand beneath one of the sinks and quickly grabbed it
Nagare: It was beneath one of the sinks? But she was just hiding under the sinks! What, you mean she was sitting right beside her wand all along? Not only that, but it was within reaching distance? AND SHE DIDN’T HELP HARRY BECAUSE HER WAND WAS TOO FAR AWAY? She couldn’t be bothered to reach out and grab it, even when Harry’s life was endangered?
Mantra: And, later, the Suethor tries to set them up as a romantic couple. Letting your lover be potential killed because you can’t be bothered to save them - more and more people are thinking it’s romantic nowadays. Now, why wasn’t this phenomenon around when I was active?
with my good hand
Nagare: WE GET IT that you’re not going to grab something with your broken hand, mostly because it’s fucking BROKEN. You won’t be able to grab anything with it even if you wanted to. You really don’t have to deliberately tell us that. WE CAN FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT.
as I heard hurried footsteps enter the bath room.
Mantra: (Hurried Footsteps) Oh my god, I’m BURSTING!
I looked up to find Professor McGonagall, Snape and Quirrell all standing in the doorway, staring at us and the troll.
Mantra: (Professor Snape): Would anyone like to explain why the troll’s pants are around its ankles?
(Professor McGonagall): And Mr. Potter! What are you doing to that troll’s nostril?
Nagare: This fic is painful enough without your comments. It’s bad enough that I have to read the fucking fic, please TRY to make this experience as non-painful as possible. Please.
The Voice: I’m just saying...I’m totally on Mantra’s side.
Mantra: Hah! The author avatar agrees with me! Pwned!
"Oh my goodness! Explain yourselves both of you!" McGonagall exclaimed, looking at the two boys.
Mantra: ...O_o Ron joined in as well? What is this now, a six-some?
Nagare: You know what? I’m not even going to read the fic anymore. I’ll just sit here and bang my head against the table until the fic ends.
"Well what it is-"
Nagare: *Pulls on hair* WHO IS EVEN TALKING HERE? When all your characters sound the same, you have to SPECIFY!
Mantra: ...I thought you’re not going to read anymore?
Nagare: I wasn’t going to! It just...I couldn’t look away.
Mantra: Ah, the dreaded Trainwreck Syndrome.
"It's my fault Professor McGonagall," Hermione interrupted the boys, grasping the teachers'
Mantra: O_O
Nagare: If you say anything, I swear I will kill you.
attention.
Mantra: *Pats chest in dramatic relief*
Nagare: Well, Hermione is still a much better person than the Sue, isn’t she? She’s actually selfless enough to take up the blame for the people who saved her! What is the Sue doing? Standing there like a stump and watching her ‘friends’ get punished for saving her life. What a lovely girl.
"Miss Granger?" McGonagall asked in shock.
Mantra: (Professor McGonagall) *Horrified look between Hermione and troll* You don’t mean you are responsible for this? Why, I never- And you seemed like such a proper young lady!
Nagare: ...Now you’re just trying to piss me off, aren’t you?
Mantra: *Startled* You JUST realised?
"I went looking for the troll. I've read about them and I though I could handle it.
Nagare: *Face palm* I don’t see how you can make spelling mistakes when you’re copy-pasting straight from the movie scripts. Or the books. Did you think typing things out will excuse the non-existent effort you put into actually writing this story?
But I was wrong.
Mantra: Well, I’d say that’s pretty obvious. Really, Professor McGonagall here wants an explanation. I think she can figure out for herself that an eleven year old can’t defeat a cave troll on her own. You really don’t need to remind her.
If Harry and Ron hadn't come and found me…
Mantra: (Hermione) *Dramatically weepy* Why, I don’t know what it would have done to me with that ghastly club! It was so big! It’d never fit!
Nagare: ...GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...my eyes.
I'd probably be dead," Hermione explained.
Nagare: Yes, and that would be a far more merciful fate than...the alternative.
Mantra: To be fair, I’d take death over having to stay in this fic. I mean, it’s more than clear that she’s nothing but a Scary Sue (and a horribly written one at that) by this point.
"And you Miss Sherwood?" Snape asked.
Mantra: *Pauses, then bursts out in laughter* Oh, this is GREAT! Hermione takes the blame for Harry and Ron, but completely neglects to mention the Sue! She’s covering for her friends and leaving the Sue to fend for herself! Oh, I LOVE Hermione. Such a magnificent bastard...
See? This is why you don’t copy-paste movie scripts. It makes your self-insert look PATHETIC.
Nagare: Well, you could argue that the Suethor did it deliberately so that the Sue will be singled out and made the centre of attention...but thinking about it that way depresses me, so I’ll agree with you for now.
I shrugged my shoulders, slightly in shock.
Nagare: ...Why? You were perfectly fine a few seconds ago! You didn’t even react that much to broken fucking fingers! Why the shock now?
Mantra: Oh, but SNAPE is looking at her with his lovely obsidian orbs! Of course, she’d be swooning like the delicate flower she is! How else will she attract his attention?
The Voice: *Disturbed* I’m pretty sure HARRY is meant to be her love interest...
Mantra: *Waves hand dismissively* Oh, as if there are any Sues who aren’t interested in Snape.
"I just needed to go to the bathroom,"
Nagare: ...And you couldn’t have gone with the prefects to your common room and used the bathroom there because...?
Mantra: Yes, you absolutely had to run off during an evacuation to the floor the troll was at to use the bathroom. You couldn’t possibly hold it in for another minute. Truly, you are an unsurpassed liar.
Snape didn't look pleased with my answer but I could tell everyone else wanted to laugh.
Nagare: MOSTLY BECAUSE IT’S OBVIOUSLY FAKE!
Mantra: And since when is Snape pleased about anything? What makes you think you going to the toilet is going to please him? He’s sexy enough on his own without you adding random fetishes to him!
"Maybe next time, Miss Sherwood, you should try controlling your blatter
Mantra: Blatter?
Nagare: ...Well, we just had confirmation that she’s not human. Her biology obviously works differently.
and use the bathroom after the troll had been captures,"
Mantra: *Groans* Oh fantastic. And now Snape can’t even use tenses properly. How the might have fallen...
Nagare: I’m pretty damned sure they had toilets in their dormitories and common rooms! It would only make sense! She could have followed the prefects and used those! WHY IS NO ONE POINTING THIS OUT? Are they this stupid?
Mantra: Everyone has to be dumbed down so the Sue can look ~amazing~ and ~intelligent~
"Be that as it may, it was an extremely foolish thing to do.
Mantra: NO FUCKING DUH!
Nagare: What is up with you and pointing out the obvious, Suethor?
Mantra: Trust me, the joke only works when Captain Obvious is doing it. You are FAR too low on the Memetic bitch ladder to even try.
I would have expected more rational behavior on your part
Mantra: Oh, and I love this too. In canon, she was saying this to chastise Hermione. But here? She’s saying it to the Sue. By trying to make herself sound smart and a part of canon, she’s just inadvertently taken the blame for her personal Scary Sue. Oh god, this shit is GOLDEN. Seriously, do you see that? She just made a canon character bitch her out through bad writing!
and am very disappointed in both of you, Miss Sherwood, Miss Granger.
Mantra: *Laughs hysterically*
The Voice: I hope you treasure these moments, because this fic is only getting worse.
Mantra: *Pouts* You insist on raining on my parade, don’t you?
Twenty-five points will be taken from Gryffindor for both of your serious lack of judgment.
Nagare: So...the addition of the Sue actually means that more points are deducted from Gryffindor? Not only did she do anything to help with the main characters, just by existing, she’s making things worse for them? WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF WRITING THIS SELF-INSERT? DO YOU HONESTLY GET OFF ON BEING A GIGANTIC LUGGAGE FOR THE HEROES? If you character isn’t going to contribute anything, THEN WHY WRITE HER IN? WHAT IS HER FUCKING PURPOSE?
Mantra: ...Seeing as, at the end of the year, Gryffindor beats Slytherin in house points by only 10 points...and 25 points have just been taken...Well, not only did the Sue inconvenience the main characters, she just ruined the ending to the first book and the main character’s first victory against their rivals. WORST! SELF-INSERT! EVER!
The Voice: Oh, as if she’s not going to do something totally amazing in the ending and earn more points than the canon characters can dream of!
As for you two gentle
Mantra: *Narrows eyes* Gentle WHAT? What are you implying here, Suethor?
I just hope you realize how fortunate you are.
Mantra: Dude, they’re being bound to a SUE! I’m pretty sure they’d welcome death at this point.
Not many first year students could take on a fully grown mountain troll and live to tell the tale.
Nagare: Yes, and the Sue didn’t help with it at all. All of the glory still belong to the canon characters...somehow, I suspect this is a huge improvement over other fics of this kind.
Mantra: I still wonder if this is intentional at all.
Five points… will be awarded to each of you… for sheer dumb luck,"
Nagare: Even to the Sue? How did she have dumb luck? If she was lucky, nature wouldn’t have called at that moment, and she would never have been endangered at all! If anything, she was UNLUCKY! So, why is she being rewarded here?
Mantra: And...I’ve just realised now, but Hogwarts has a pretty screwed up point system, doesn’t it? If you can get awarded for luck, then what else can you be awarded for? I always thought Harry and Ron were awarded for how quick on their feet they were.
Professor McGonagall turned to leave but before she could Harry called her back. "Professor!"
Nagare: IF YOU TOLD US HARRY CALLED HER BACK, THEN YOU DON’T NEED THE DIALOGUE! IF YOU WANT THE DIALOGUE, THEN DON’T TELL US WHAT HARRY SAID IN INDIRECT DIALOGUE BEFOREHAND! IT’S NOT THAT HARD TO FIGURE OUT!
"Yes, Potter?"
"May we take Rebecca to the Hospital Wing?"
Mantra: ...seriously? You have to ask? What did you think she was going to say? What, you honestly thought she might make Rebecca DEAL with broken fingers? You honestly thought that she wouldn’t provide any medical attention to people who’ve just had a cage fight with a troll? How sadistic do you think she is?
Nagare: I wonder if he was hoping that she’d say no...then he’d have a legitimate excuse to let the Sue die of blood loss or infections...
Mantra: And why is it only Rebecca anyways? Hermione was inside the cubicles when they were smashed! She was under the sinks as well! Why doesn’t anything think she might be potentially injured? Is it that she wasn’t whining as much? *Grits teeth* I was ENJOYING how the canon characters were banding together against the Sue, dammit! Don’t ruin this moment for me!
"No, I'm fine, I can fix it myself, Harry," I said quickly as I brought my hand behind my back.
Mantra: Ah, the Bella Swan school of Injury Treatment: no matter what the circumstances, always refuse medical attention against all reason.
DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING DIE? IT’S A BROKEN FUCKING FINGER! IF YOU’RE ANYWHERE NEAR REALISTIC, YOU’D BE SCREAMING FOR ANAESTHETICS NOW!
Nagare: You can fucking fix it yourself? How many fucking spells do you fucking know? Mending bones in fingers are complicated because of how complex the human hand is! There are dozens of bones in there! There is no way you would be qualified to heal them! YOU ARE FUCKING ELEVEN YEARS OLD!
Mantra: She’s only doing this so that the audience can simper and coo and fawn over her, whilst still appearing selfless and sacrificing. Of course, it fails, because it makes her look like a GIGANTIC IDIOT, but then again, what Sue doesn’t?
"What is it, Miss Sherwood?" Professor McGonagall asked, eyeing me.
Nagare: WHAT DO YOU FUCKING THINK? Harry wants to take her to the infirmary! She is hiding her fucking hands! Obviously, she is fucking injured! She had just been in a fucking cage fight with a troll! WHAT IS UP WITH YOU?
Mantra: This fic is always that much more tolerable when the Suethor is copy-pasting from canon, isn’t it? As soon as she tries to write original material, everything starts falling apart.
I gave Harry one good glare before bringing my hand out from behind my back.
Nagare: Yes, because GOD FORBID anyone be concerned about you. God forbid anyone be compassionate enough to try and ensure others got medical attention! No, anyone kind enough to offer that kind of thing should be CONDEMNED! Dude, he was selfless enough to insist that you get medical attention, despite being flung around extensively himself! After you’ve demonstrated what a useless little turd you are, this is really not the best time to be whining about anything, much less his attempts at helping you!
Mantra: And what was she expecting? That Harry would lie to authority figures even more to cover up her lie, which she said without any motives whatsoever? True, Harry went around the backs of authority figures often, but that was only because he had to! Why would he want to help you in this case, when not helping you would ensure your survival, you fucktard?
"Oh dear,"
Mantra: And what is with these understated reactions to injuries? THIS is what broken fingers look like!
PEOPLE DO NOT REMAIN PERFECTLY CALM WHEN THEY SEE IT FOR THE FIRST FUCKING TIME!
Nagare: *Stares* Where did you get that from?
Mantra: *Grumpy* Beyond the fourth wall.
"Don't worry, Professor," I said quickly, pulling out my wand and point it at the two strangely angled fingers. "Episkey,"
Mantra: Isn’t she so goddamned talented? Eleven fucking years old and she can perfectly heal bones. First year student, and she can do whatever the fuck Madame Pomfrey can. Well, if you were THAT talented, then what were you doing whilst Harry and Ron were battling the troll? Oh, that’s right - cowering and fucking HIDING!
Nagare: And it just makes her pride in her academic achieves even more infuriating. She clearly has an advantage over the other students, and she thinks nothing of exploiting it. Furthermore, she fully expects us to be awed and impressed by her, despite the fact that she could only do what she does because of her father’s meticulous training - which she still does not appreciate, by the way.
Pain shot through my hand and I gave a short yell of pain before the pain in my hand subsided.
Nagare: WE FUCKING GET IT! IT’S FUCKING PAINFUL! IT’S A FUCKING BROKEN HAND! WE CAN FIGURE THAT OUT FOR OURSELVES! THERE IS NO NEED TO REPEAT ANY FUCKING WORD IN THE SAME SENTENCE THREE FUCKING TIMES!
Mantra: Actually, I’m pretty sure she severed a nerve there. First, there was burning pain, and then she went numb. *Claps slowly* All because she wanted to show off...
Nagare: Really, she could have avoided all this if she just took a few fucking steps to the infirmary, where there is someone fucking TRAINED to heal. She could have gotten an anaesthetic in that case. So no, I don’t sympathise at all. This is clearly all her fault.
I looked down at my hand and smiled at me work,
Nagare: Seriously, what is UP with the accent?
Mantra: Dear, just because it looks fine, doesn’t mean it’s actually fine. You know who would be qualified to check that? A FUCKING HEALER! You should have lost your fucking hand! Don’t you see what happens when spells botch? What the FUCK?
Nagare: How did anyone with so little brain cells live to eleven years of age?
Mantra: Plot Armour...wait, this doesn’t have plot. Uh...Author Favouritism?
and then looked up at the surprised teachers staring at me.
Mantra: Hey, that reminds me...how did Quirrel react in this universe? We heard nothing about him collapsing on a toilet, so...what, did he just stay calm? Why? Does he WANT to blow his cover?
Nagare: I imagine the Suethor was too busy wanking about the Sue’s awesome healing skills to bother writing about someone as trivial as Quirrel.
Mantra: *Face palm* That, or she’s determined to remove all traces of humour from the series. And she’s not doing a bad job either.
"I told you I could fix them,"
Nagare: *Incredulous* You arrogant BITCH.
Mantra: Oh yeah, go ahead and fucking FLAUNT your wonderfulness in the teacher’s faces. Surely, that will endear them to you.
Nagare: *Points shaking finger at screen* I have never, in my life, seen someone so BLATANTLY demanding praise and worship.
Mantra: And she honestly thinks she deserves it too.
Nagare: You...You arrogant BITCH.
Professor McGonagall sighed and shook her head
Mantra: (Professor McGonagall) Oh dear, another Sue. Why does our school attract so many of them?
before turning and leaving the bathroom.
Mantra: To contact the PPC.
Nagare: *Snorts* Isn’t this fantastic too? She did all that shit to impress the canon characters...and they don’t react at all. In fact, McGonagall reacts with DISMAY. She just flaunted her healed hand in front of them, and McGonagall here is just like, ‘Oh, for fuck’s sake, not again!’ No one is impressed by her. No one praises her. Hell, that little display didn’t even warrant any more points! It’s more than clear that no one fucking cares about her here. Does the Suethor realise what she’s doing at all?
Mantra: Again, this is the problem with copy-pasting canon. Professor McGonagall did leave in disappointment in canon because she expected better from Harry and Ron, and the Suethor just made her do the same here. Except the timing of her reaction is so that it looks like she’s reacting in disgust to the Sue. And I bet she doesn’t even know it, either! *Sighs* On the one hand, I’m disgusted by her stupidity. On the other hand, it’s moments like this that makes the fic tolerable.
I turned back to Harry, Ron and Hermione who were all staring at me.
Mantra: Of course they are! You’re the Sue! That means you have to be the centre of the universe at all times!
I just shrugged and began to walk after McGonagall and Snape
Nagare: *Jaw drops* You...YOU! ARROGANT! BITCH! What gives you the fucking right to ignore them? What gives you the fucking right to DISMISS them? They were the ones sticking up for each other and fighting the goddamned troll! All you did was perform a spell before the teachers afterwards that only aided yourself! YOU WERE BEING A HORRIBLE, SELFISH BITCH! So how the fuck DARE you just wave them aside like this? You’re not better than them! You’re so far below them that a comparison would be STUPID!
Mantra: She’s still coddling to the teachers, isn’t she? The way she’s following them...it’s almost like she’s flaunting the fact that the teachers all love her and rubbing it in Harry and Ron’s faces. Or she’s going, ‘Well, you guys can dislike me, but I have minions in other places!’ She’s...you’re right; she is just being an arrogant bitch here. That’s the only way to describe it.
as Quirrell began to mumble and stutter.
Mantra: Just NOW? What was he doing before? What, he was completely calm until AFTER Professor McGonagall and Snape are gone? DIDN’T YOU GET THAT THE TIMIDNESS WAS AN ACT? HE WAS PUTTING IT ON TO FOOL THE OTHER TEACHERS! HE DELIBERATELY PLAYED UP HIS HELPLESSNESS SO LURE PEOPLE INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY! Why would he put on the act after the people he needed to fool were GONE? HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU MISS THE POINT OF THAT SCENE?
Nagare: Even now, his reactions are being downplayed...and for no reason either! I honestly have no idea why the Suethor changed this aspect of canon.
"Perhaps you ought to go. It might wake up…"
Harry, Ron, Hermione and I all walked down the halls easily
Nagare: I thought you left them! You walked out first, right behind Professors McGonagall and Snape! How could you walk out together then? What, did you make your way back just to walk out again? WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Mantra: And what do you mean ‘walked down the halls easily’? What, is walking down halls usually hard for you? Are you that inept?
before Harry broke the silence between us all.
Mantra: *Dramatic gasp* No! The poor silence! It always gets broken so much in fics! What did it ever do to you?
"Good of you to get us out of trouble like that,"
Mantra: *Bliss* Yes! He’s appreciating and thanking Hermione and utterly ignoring the Sue! He doesn’t even acknowledge that she’s there! YES!
Nagare: Pity that he’ll end up wrapped around her little finger.
Mantra: You know, pessimism is bad for you.
"Mind you, we did save her and Rebecca's life," Ron said quickly.
Mantra: Aw, Ron! Don’t do that! I like you, dammit! Don’t bring the Sue back into the picture! We were all much happier ignoring her!
Nagare: Yes, they did save her life, didn’t they? And she didn’t do a thing for them in exchange. And we are meant to prefer her over Hermione. Suethor, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW PEOPLE WORK? Because we do not take kindly to people whose only actions are selfish!
"Mind you, we might not have needed saving if you hadn't insulted Hermione," I bit out.
Mantra: *Gapes*
Nagare: *Horrified*
Mantra: RON WAS INSULTING HERMIONE? YOU ARE BLAMING RON FOR INSULTING HERMIONE? YOU SPENT FOUR FUCKING CHAPTERS DOING YOUR BEST TO DUMP ON HERMIONE SO THAT WE WILL LIKE YOU BETTER, YOU SPEND FOUR FUCKING CHAPTERS TWISTING ALL OVER HERMIONE’S ACTIONS SO THAT YOU LOOK BETTER BY COMPARISON...AND YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO CALL SOMEONE ELSE OUT FOR INSULTING HER? YOU, WHO’S DETERMINED TO MAKE HERMIONE YOU OWN PERSON SCARY SUE, IS INSULTING RON FUCKING WEASLEY OVER HIS TREATMENT OF HERMIONE?
Nagare: AND AFTER SITTING THERE LIKE A STUMP AND NOT HELPING, AFTER WATCHING TWO CANON CHARACTERS BE ALMOST KILLED, AFTER ACTUALLY GETTING SAVED BY THEM...YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO PROTEST WHEN THEY STATE THE FACT LIKE IT IS? AFTER SHOWING SUCH LEVELS OF INGRATITUDE THAT I HAD NO WORDS FOR IT, YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY THAT YOU DESERVED A ‘THANK YOU’?
Mantra: How does this matter even concern you, anyways? Harry is saying ‘thank you’ to HERMIONE! You might not like it, but that’s who he’s talking to! You were not a part of this conversation! You do not have the fucking right to butt in! Hermione can decide whether to take offense or not! You have no fucking right to do anything, because you didn’t do a thing to help the canon characters! You just sat there and took their heroic actions for fucking granted! YOU STUPID BITCH!
"What are friends for?" Ron said with a smile,
Nagare: To aid you in times of need. And definitely not sit around and shiver prettily while you battle by yourself against uneven odds.
making Hermione smile brightly as well.
Mantra: *Chuckles bitterly* I see the canon characters are still determined to ignore her. Seriously, she must be the worst Sue of all time. Even when she’s going to extreme lengths to insinuate herself into a canon scene, NONE of the characters acknowledge her.
Nagare: And Hermione just get more and more likeable, despite her best efforts at prevent that. FAIL
Author's Note: Not that.
Mantra: Uh...excuse me, WHAT? What are you talking about?
The Voice: Frankly, I have no idea. I honestly don’t know what this Author’s Note means or why it’s even here in the first place.
‘Well, that doesn’t matter right now.’ Nagare crossed her arms over her chest, ‘Put me back into my room. I need to get back to sleep.’
‘I’m sorry, but you are going to be staying here for quite a while. Till the end of this fic, in fact. I can’t find any spares to take up your position.’ The voice said almost apologetically.
‘WHAT?’ Nagare demanded.
‘I’ll do my thing with the timeline, so you won’t miss out on anything...but again, I’m afraid you don’t have a choice.’
‘You know, you’re an even bigger bitch than the fucking Sue.’ Nagare waved a particularly obscene gesture at the megaphone.
Mantra sighed. ‘Ah, the woes of being written by an author with a sporking fascination...’
Go Foward to: Chapter 5, Part 1
Go Back to: Chapter 4, Part 2